Story 377: You Make a Terrible Relative

 (At a toddler’s birthday party)

Parent: (Greeting Relative in the crowded living room) Thank you so much for coming!

Relative: Sure – listen, I don’t know what the kids are into nowadays so I got the little tyke one of those credit card gift cards they sell at the supermarket.  (Hands over a gift card that has a tiny bow stuck on it) Tell `em “Go to town.”

Parent: (Gingerly takes the card) Oh, thank you – he is only turning 3, and if you weren’t sure what to get you could always call or e-mail me, that’d’ve been fine.

Relative: Yeah, I didn’t think of that.  Guess there’s always next year, right?  (Looks around at family and friends scattered about or romping about the room and furniture) So what’s next; I never know what to do at these things.  Any entertainment stopping by later?

Parent: Please just eat something.

(At a holiday get-together in a house)

Cousin: Oh hi, it’s so nice to see you; how’ve you been?

Relative: Could be worse – you?

Cousin: I’m good.  Remember last time we were all together like this, what was it, somebody’s 90^th birthday party?

Relative: I’m gonna be honest with you: these get-togethers and the people in them are all a blur, so I never remember your name or how exactly we’re related.

Cousin: Oh.  Our parents are cousins so we have the same great-grandparents – I think that makes us first cousins once removed?  Or second cousins?  I never know the difference.

Relative: Sounds too distant for me to care; as long as you make me laugh and aren’t too judgy, we’re good.

Cousin: …OK, I’m going to help set the table for dinner – nice talking to you.  (Heads to the kitchen)

Relative: Same here.  (Spreads across a couch and snacks on crackers and cheese) I’m gonna stay out of the way of setting up or clearing up or cleaning up or any of that – wouldn’t want to presume in someone else’s house.  (Grabs the last napkin) Aaaaand I forgot how we’re related again already.

(At a wedding reception)

Relative: (Sitting with other haphazard family members) Hi.  (Nods in greeting at each person)  How many hours’re left in this thing?

Distant Cousin 1: Well, they just served the pasta and salad so we’ve got quite a bit to go yet.

Distant Cousin 2: You know, technically you can leave whenever you want, heh-heh-heh.

Relative: That is true.  (Fiddles with the flowers on the centerpiece) I already sat through the disappointingly long ceremony; you don’t think anyone’d notice me leaving if I got up and walked out right now?

Distant Cousin 3: I’d notice!

Relative: And what’s it to you?  You’re 5 years old and this is your first wedding – you haven’t experienced enough of the inane horrors of these things to have an opinion yet.  But you will.

Distant Cousin 1: At least stay for the main course, and the happy couple also’ll stop by later to thank us for coming so you should experience that.

Distant Cousin 2: Oh yeah, I see they’re bringing the fancy box with them so I’ll give our gift then.

Relative: What’re you talking about?

Distant Cousin 2: (Holds up an envelope) When they come over, I’ll just drop this in the box.

Relative: What, you got them another “Happy Wedding” card?

(The Distant Cousins stare at Relative)

Distant Cousin 1: It’s the wedding gift.

Relative: I sent them a bunch of wooden spoons ages ago, what more do they want?

Distant Cousin 2: You seriously didn’t bring anything tonight?

Relative: Unless you’ve got a washing machine in there I’m assuming you mean money, and in that case why should I?  I didn’t tell them to take on all this expense or start a blessed life together in unified debt!

Distant Cousin 3: You’re supposed to cover your plate.

Relative: That’s rubbish – they invited me!

Distant Cousin 1: They are family.

Relative: Yeah, family just means you think you can impose; tell them to write me out of the will and we’ll be even – ooh, prime rib’s here!  (Devours entrée and ignores the couple when they arrive)

(At home, Relative’s phone rings)

Relative: (Answers while reading a magazine) What’s up?

Mother: It’s your mother – what is this I hear you’re not going to your niece’s graduation?!

Relative: Oh, should I be?

Mother: Yes!  She’s your niece!

Relative: Just because one of my siblings decided to have a kid doesn’t make their goings-on any more meaningful to my life.

Mother: You –

Relative: Anyway, I thought it was optional, like “Hey, if you have nothing to do on a weekday and want to sit on uncomfortable bleachers in the baking sun for four hours,” that sort of thing.  I planned on cutting work and watching movies that day; it’s marked on my calendar.

Mother: You’d better be there and you’d better bring a gift this time!

Relative: Ugh, what is it with everyone and gifts?!  Besides, she just finished school, we’ve all done it, no big deal.

Mother: She’s getting her doctoral degree!

Relative: Oh.  Really?  Must’ve missed when she started that; good for her.

Mother: You really are clueless – and while we’re at it, would it kill you to visit your grandparents every once in a while?

Relative: …Do you mean literally?

Mother: I can’t believe you come from the same gene pool as the rest of us!  (Hangs up)

Relative: (Tosses away the phone while flipping through the magazine some more; mutters to self) Families sure are exhausting.

Story 376: Necessary Accessories

 At 6:30 in the morning, Actor returns home from the gym and immediately prepares an energy drink before embarking upon morning meditation; breathing cycles are harshly interrupted by the cell phone ringing.  Actor open an eye to peek at who is calling, then turns off the sounds of chanting monks to answer.

“This better be good – you’re interrupting one of my many daily routines.”

“I can’t keep track of what you do from minute-to-minute; are you up to your 5-mile run yet?” Agent asked.

“No, that’s after breakfast at 7:30, not before!”

“You sure are regimental in, you know, living.”

“I told you, if I’m ever gonna get anywhere in my career I need to live the superstar lifestyle now, so I’ll already have perfection when I ultimately achieve my rightful success and glory!  So why’re you calling me this early, we don’t have our daily update until 4:00?”

“`Cause I wanted to let you know ASAP that your success and glory may finally be here: you got the part in the new --------- film.”

Actor almost dropped the phone: “Eh?”

“Congratulations: table read’s in London on Monday, rehearsals start there the following week, then it’s off to Tunisia for six months’ filming.  I’d appreciate if you brought me along for at least some of this as your valet or something – I never get to go anywhere fun.”

“But – this is a joke – I blew that audition!”

“Guess that’s what they were looking for, then; just keep doing that and you’ll be fine.  Oh, and sign yourself up for some survivalist training or military boot camp or one of those things before you fly out on location, you’re gonna need it.”

Actor bristled slightly: “I thought we’ve already established I am in excellent shape.”

“Oh you are, it’s just that filming will be in a desert and you’re gonna be, you know, wearing all that stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“You know: makeup, prosthetics, couple of wigs, several layers of capes, a few extra limbs – ”

“Hold it, hold it: who told you this?”

“Casting director.  Did you even read the character description?  You’re playing a full-out creature, 50 lbs of accessories and all.”

“But I thought – everything’s motion-capture now so I assumed – ”’

Agent burst out laughing.  “‘Motion capture?!’  Have you ever even seen a

--------- film?!”

“Don’t be snarky: of course I’ve seen his movies, and he has used updated tech!”

“Rarely, and only if something’s not working out in post-production and he can’t get the actors back in time to reshoot.  That’s why everyone loves his movies, they look so real!  Which means you’re going to be spending 12 hours a day getting buried in material before spending another 12 hours running around in 110°F weather pretending you’re reclaiming your home planet.  Have fun!”  There was a click as Agent ended the call.

Actor stared at the phone, all sense of serenity gone.  “Wait, when do I get to sleep during all that?”

In Tunisia on the first day of filming, Actor enters the makeup trailer at 3:00 in the morning.  The makeup artists are wired, having been there for over an hour already.

“Welcome!  Have a set!”  Lead Makeup Artist gestures to what appears to be a dentist’s chair.

“Uh…” Actor hesitates before being tossed onto the chair by the other makeup artists; then, the work begins.

Four hours later, Actor wakes up from a doze to see in a large mirror that a new face, maroon eyes, towering ears, a mouthful of fangs, three extra arms, and multiple heavy wigs had been added during the interval.  Other co-stars also had arrived in the trailer in the meantime and are partially through their less-involved transformations.

Co-Star in the next chair over, almost done with just a wig, minimal makeup, and an extra nose, gives Actor a thumbs-up: “Lookin’ good!”

Actor stares back, frozen in place: “I can’t feel my skin.”

“No worries: they usually streamline the process by the end of filming – you’ll be here an hour or two less by then, I bet.”  Co-Star hops out of the chair and leaves the trailer, whistling.

“I hate you now,” Actor whispers to the departing figure’s reflection in the mirror.

Lead Makeup Artist leans toward Actor’s actual ear: “Don’t struggle, please.”

“Huh?”

Three makeup artists flip Actor over and start adding four sets of wings and a prehensile tail.

“Can I take a short break to eat and use the bathroom, please?” Actor manages to choke out while smushed through a hole in the chair.

“Should’ve thought of that before the sun rose, dearie,” Lead Makeup Artist replies while painting a layer of glue all over Actor’s back.

Two hours later, Actor is lifted out of the chair by film crew members, set on a trolley, and wheeled to the costume trailer.  Set Costumer looks up and down at Actor, who would be naked if not covered in latex, human hair, horse hair, various species of bird feathers, and sequins, then declares: “This will need some adjustment.”

Actor stands with arms and legs sticking out, from necessity: “Can’t I just go out like this?”

“And waste all this material?!”  Proceeds with a mini-army to spend two hours draping and pinning layers of cloth over, around, under, and through Actor, finishing by using a suture kit to lace up thigh-high boots that have mini-rockets attached to the heels.

Set Costumer stands back to take in the view: “Magnificent!  My best work yet!”

Actor gingerly starts to move, then freezes: “Do you know if all the stuff the other group put on me’ll stay on when I sweat?  All the moisture inside is starting to migrate out.”

“Not my department.”  Set Costumer shoves Actor onto the trolley for the waiting film crew members to wheel that outside where Director, co-stars, and remaining film crew members are set up for the movie’s first scene, located in an open area amongst the sand dunes with the noon sun beaming happily upon them all.

Director stares at Actor being tipped off the trolley to baby step onto the ground, then mutters to Assistant: “Find a way to speed up that one’s prep without omitting any of the feathers.”  Assistant nods while taking notes; Director then addresses the entire assembly for the first time since rehearsal: “All right, this is Day 1 of filming and we’re already three weeks behind schedule, let’s move!”

Actor blinks rapidly as the surroundings swim slightly, then finds the mark and faces the other co-stars in their positions.  The Second Assistant Camera with a slate runs towards the main camera.

“Why Are We Doing This?: Episode -3, Scene 207, Take 1!”  Claps the slate and runs off as Director yells “Action!”

Actor takes a deep breath, clenches a primary fist, grits fangs, glares in character at co-stars who also glare back in character, and proclaims:

“…Line?”

Story 375: How to Pass the Time Before Your Head Is (Figuratively) Taken Off

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is typing agitatedly away as Coworker 2 approaches carrying a large soft drink)

Coworker 2: Haaaaaaappy Friiiidaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!

Coworker 1: (Without looking up) You know that sentiment unreasonably irritates me – we clearly are not happy and want nothing more than for Friday to end.

Coworker 2: Well, just the business-day part of it for us in the office contingent – I felt the same way you do when I worked weekends in retail; Friday nights were just the worst.

Coworker 1: I believe it: I probably was one of your customers.  (An e-mail pops up – Coworker 1 freezes while reading it) Oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: Uh-oh, sounds like that sinking feeling.  What happened?

Coworker 1: The thing – I sent – I forgot – it needs – I missed – on Monday –

Coworker 2: Let me guess: you submitted something that’s due on Monday and just now were reminded that something else is needed for it but since it’s – (Looks at watch) 4:49 on a Friday afternoon it’s too late to add anything and now you’re doomed?

Coworker 1: (Nods a lot with a panicked face) And the worst part is, I’m not the one who’s going to be presenting it; my manager is.

 Coworker 2: Ooh, double whammy.  Now excuses’ll have to be made for your incompetence, but it’ll just look like your manager can’t supervise employees properly.  You’re gonna get yelled at both for messing up and for making the boss look bad – I don’t envy you one bit.

Coworker 1: (Sinks down onto the desk) What-am-I-gonna-do?!  My head’s gonna get taken off!  Again!

Coworker 2: This has happened before?

Coworker 1: A similarly horrific mistake, yes.

Coworker 2: Well, there’re only two things for it: send your manager an e-mail confessing all, and spend the weekend having the time of your life before facing the end on Monday.

Coworker 1: (Sits up again) How can I even think about enjoying myself when I have this hanging over me?!

Coworker 2: Easy: it’s not going anywhere and there’s nothing to be done about it until three days from now, so why spend your remaining moments of non-punishment miserable?  Go wild, I say.  (Looks at watch again) Speaking of, that very nicely ends my shift – bye.  (Leaves, slurping the drink)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the computer monitor for a few moments, then types a reply e-mail) Metaphorical falling-on-my-sword, commence.  (Selects “Send,” sighs dramatically, logs out of the computer, cleans up the desk, and leaves)

 FRIDAY NIGHT

 (Coworker 1 slowly walks to the train station for the commute home, then stops in the middle of the sidewalk to the annoyance of pedestrians everywhere)

Coworker 1: Wait a minute – this is the self-appointed Greatest City in the World!  Why am I heading home to mentally gnaw on work issues when I’m literally in the middle of all this stuff?!  (Runs to the nearest club)

Pedestrian: You go, office drone!  Take the world and give nothing back!

(Coworker 1 spends the evening club-hopping, dancing to loud music, eating delicious junk, and riding home on the late train humming that one song that never leaves)

 SATURDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 sleeps late, then makes a gourmet breakfast before heading to the nearest mountain to ski)

Ski Instructor: And how many lessons have you had prior to this?

Coworker 1: None!  (Crouches into a ball before pushing off to head down the entire mountain)

Ski Instructor: Wait, I didn’t teach you how to fall yet!

(Coworker 1 screams all the way, reaches the bottom, stops safely, and tips over onto a small snowbank)

Coworker 1: (Lying on back and staring at the gray sky) Wheeeee….

 SATURDAY EVENING

 (At a movie theater box office)

Cashier: May I help you?

Coworker 1: Yes, I’d like a ticket to the double-double-feature please, along with five tubs of popcorn and seven gallons of soda.  Oh, and all the candy.

Cashier: (Rings up the ticket) Just a reminder the final show doesn’t let out until 3 a.m., and you have to get all that other stuff at the concession stand.

Coworker 1: (Swipes credit card) Right – it’s been so long since I’ve done this, I thought it was all consolidated to one purchase by now.

Cashier: (Hands over the ticket and receipt) Thankfully not.

(Coworker 1 runs to the concession stand, the unconsumed sugar already kicking in, then sits in a theater getting lost in other worlds for the next six hours)

 SUNDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 joins a group doing yoga on a beach)

Coworker 1: (To Yoga Instructor) I saw some dolphins out there on my way over – will they be joining us like the goats do on those farms?

Yoga Instructor: No, they need to stay in the water.

Coworker 1: Cool – maybe I’ll join them later.

(The group members invert their bodies for the next half hour)

 SUNDAY AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 prepares to tandem skydive out of an airplane)

Skydiving Instructor: (Shouting over the rushing wind and the plane’s engine) Just remember: I’ll be doing all the work, so you literally don’t have to do a single thing except not get sick, if you don’t mind!

Coworker 1: No worries!  I figure if something tragic happens we’ll both go out together, isn’t that comforting?!

Skydiving Instructor: Not really!  (They jump, with Coworker 1 laughing and Skydiving Instructor guiding them and praying all the way down; they arrive back on Earth, intact)

Coworker 1: Yippee, let’s do that again!

Skydiving Instructor: Sure, if you’ve got another $300.00.

Coworker 1: Let’s do that again some other time!  (Separates their harness and rolls around on the ground in glee) I feel so alive, hooray!

Skydiving Instructor: That’s great – listen, I’ve got to get back for the next customer’s once-in-a-lifetime experience, so could you speed this up a bit?

 SUNDAY EVENING

(Coworker 1 curls up on the living room couch with a book and blanket; gentle music is playing in the background and lit candles are everywhere)

Coworker 1: (Engrossed in the novel) Aw, those two finally got together, that feels so fulfilling.  (Suddenly looks up and around) Wait a minute, I’m forgetting something aren’t I?... Of course!  Chocolate!  (Springs off the couch to whip up a hot chocolate bomb that’s all the rage this season, then sinks back onto the couch while smacking lips after the first sip) Ahhhhhhh, I have never felt so satisfied in my entire life since the time before I was kicked out of the womb.

 MONDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 wakes in dread, eats breakfast in dread, rides the train in dread, walks to the office in dread, and approaches Manager’s desk in dread)

Coworker 1: Hi.

Manager: Oh hi, did you have a good weekend?

Coworker 1: The best.  How about you?

Manager: Eh, it was all right – had to spend some of it finishing up the presentation for today.

Coworker 1: About that....

Manager: Yeah?

Coworker 1: Did you get my e-mail on Friday?

Manager: Oh yeah, I wrote back but you’d probably already left for the day – it’s OK you forgot that one section, turns out we don’t really need it for this so it’s no big deal.

Coworker 1: …Oh.  Really?

Manager: Yeah, the rest of it can do without it so it doesn’t matter.  You OK?

Coworker 1: I’m fine, why do you ask?

Manager: Well, you looked like you’ve been thinking all weekend I’d take your head off or something like that.

Coworker 1: The thought never crossed my mind.

Story 374: The Friend Who Came to Dinner….

 (In Hour 4 of a dinner with friends, Hosts 1 and 2’s eyes glaze over as their guest continues to sit across from them at the dining room table and shows no indication of leaving)

Friend: (Pouring another glass of soda) I don’t know about you two, but I personally think this year is gonna be just as bad as the last one, if not worse.

Host 1: (Stirs slightly out of a partial doze) Hm, what?

Friend: (Gulps down half a glass) Uh-huh.  And if you really think about it, every year on this planet since its very creation has been the worst: volcanoes, ice ages, earthquakes, disease, the great dinosaur wipe-out, the very chemical make-up of the atmosphere changing over and over again, and then we show up, in all our misery, and decide it’s not enough to make each other miserable, let’s bring all Earth’s species and the planet itself in on the fun while we’re at it!

Host 2: Oh, I don’t know about that –

Friend: (Finishes off the glass and slams it onto the table in emphasis; Hosts 1 and 2 jump slightly in their seats) I do know!  And the generations and generations of people trapped in poverty, abuse, despair, bigotry, war, crime, etc. ad infinitum, nine times out of 10 because of the mere fact they were born into this horror show called Life and their surroundings messed them over right out of the starting gate, makes me wish more and more every day that the whole set of shenanigans never even started in the first place.  (Begins nibbling on fennel)

Host 1: (Reluctant to continue the conversation) Is… there someone you want to talk to about all this?

Friend: (In mid-bite) I’m talking to you, aren’t I?  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…. (Trails off giggling into the fennel)

Host 2: (Stretches around the back of the chair in order to see the clock in the living room) Oh my, didn’t realize it got so late, maybe it’s time you – (Is cut off by noises of a crowd outside running down the street)

Host 1: (Stands) What’s all that?

Friend: (Still holding the fennel) Humanity standing up for justice, possibly sprinkled with a few who ruin the whole thing for everybody?

(Host 1 goes to open the front door while Host 2 hangs back at the table)

Host 2: Sure that’s wise?

Host 1: Rather see what’s up instead of waiting to find out as something crashes through the window.

Friend: (Points the fennel at Host 1) My thoughts exactly.

(Host 1 opens the door to see a screaming crowd running away from a dragon shooting flames at them all the way down the block.  Host 1 swiftly closes and locks the door and turns around to block it as the house slightly shakes with impact tremors)

Host 1: We didn’t serve alcohol tonight, right?  (Host 2 and Friend shake their heads)

Friend: Well, guess this means we should hole up here for the night and keep constant vigil – I volunteer for third shift.

Host 2: No, this means we need to get out of here now before that thing gets us!

Host 1: (Looks out the front window) It seems to have passed us by.

Friend: Good, we hole up here, then.  (Grabs a nutcracker and goes to work on a bowl of walnuts)

Host 2: (Stares agitatedly at Friend, then joins Host 1 at the door) But my show’s coming on soon!

Host 1: (Stares incredulously at Host 2) There’s a little bit more going on at the moment!

Friend: You two don’t mind me; I’ll can keep busy while you go fight the dragon.  (CRACK)

Host 2: I am not fighting a dragon!

Friend: (Chewing) Good point: dragon’s just doing as dragons do, not its fault we’re its natural prey.  Let `em eat us all; I say good riddance to the lot.

Host 2: Arggggghhhhhhh!!!!

Host 1: You two – (A resounding crash is heard from down the street) Now what?!  (Grabs a baseball bat, unlocks the door, and heads out; Host 2 grabs a butter knife from the dining room table and heads out; Friend grabs another piece of fennel and heads out.  The three run into the street and see a screaming crowd from a different direction running away from a spaceship that had crashed onto the middle of the boulevard.  Two figures emerge from the top hatch)

Alien 1: (To Alien 2, broadcasting telepathically) You see?!  I told you we wanted the fourth planet from the star, not the third!

Alien 2: You said land on the blue and green one.

Alien 1: I said not to land on the blue and green one!  (Gestures to the haphazard screaming runners) Now look where you dropped us!  Right in the middle of these planet-ruiners!  You’d better get us out of here soon before we get sucked into their chaos!  (A passerby runs a hand lovingly over the ship; Alien 1 bats the hand away; to Alien 2) LAUNCH!

Alien 2: Don’t have to tell me twice – at least the red one’s nice and quiet.  (They close the hatch, power up the ship, and take off just before a solar flare streams through the night sky, sending a shock wave that knocks out electricity everywhere.  The screaming crowd now runs in all directions; Host 2 sinks down to the ground and rocks slowly while holding their head; and Host 1 defensively holds up the bat while scanning the area)

Friend: (Starts nibbling on the fennel) So – mind if I put on the coffee for dessert?

Story 373: Don’t Let the Pain Catch You!

 (Friend 2 steers the car into the driveway, crunching over ice all the way)

Friend 1: (Exiting from the passenger seat as Friend 2 exits from the driver’s seat) – they tried assigning us numbered spots a while back but some rando would be in mine EVERY SINGLE TIME, and I was getting tired of the daily parking garage rumbles with the crowds and the spotlights and the –

Friend 2: (Slips on the ice and falls on the left side) Whoop!

Friend 1: (Spins around and looks over the top of the car) Where’d you go?

Friend 2: Down here – ugghh….

Friend 1: (Trots pigeon-toed around the car and sees Friend 2 on the ground) Uh-oh – break anything?

Friend 2: No….

Friend 1: Sprain anything?

Friend 2: I don’t think so….

Friend 1: Good: quick, get up.  (Grabs Friend 2’s right arm and begins to haul up)

Friend 2: Hey, give me a second, what’s your hurry?

Friend 1: (Pulls Friend 2 to a standing position) C’mon, you gotta get moving before they find you.

Friend 2: Who?

Friend 1: (Briefly points to two approaching figures) Them.  (They wave back)

Friend 2: Wha – who are they?  (Is led by Friend 1 to the front door of the house) What is going on?

Friend 1: Quick, gimme your key and keep moving your left arm and leg.

Friend 2: (Hands over the house key) What?  No, I need to rest them.

Friend 1: NO!  (Unlocks the door, shoves Friend 2 inside, and slams and locks the door behind them) That’ll play right into their metaphorical hands, now move!  (Starts windmilling Friend 2’s left arm and pushing the left leg forward) March, I say!

Friend 2: (Shakes off Friend 1) I’m going to go lie down.  (Enters the living room and sees the two figures from outside now are sitting on the couch) Umm… are you here to steal something?

Pain 1: (Over the sounds of drawers banging open and slamming shut in the kitchen) Nope: we’re here because of what you did to yourself.

Pain 2: We’re natural and expected and meant to be endured for a long, long, long time.  (They creepily approach Friend 2, who shrinks back)

Friend 1: (Soars into the living room with an armful of supplies and points a pair of scissors at the figures) Back off, scoundrels!  (Rapidly duct tapes ice packs to Friend 2’s arm and leg)

Pain 1: No worries – we’ll just wait over here.  (Retreats to a corner with Pain 2, where they both stare patiently at Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Flings the tape and scissors onto the kitchen table; to Friend 2) Right – now, go hop on the stationary bike you never use and pedal 15 miles while lifting the free weights you also never use.  (Begins pushing Friend 2 to the basement door)

Friend 2: (Holds onto the wall) Wait, no, I am not working out now, I need to rest my banged-up limbs!

Friend 1: (Hisses) Don’t you see, that’s just what they want!  If you stop moving, they’ll catch you!

Friend 2: That’s not how pain works.

Friend 1: Not all the time, I’ll give you that, but this is one of those instances where yes, it does!  (Pushes Friend 2 around the living room and windmills the left arm again) Admit it – you haven’t really felt any pain yet after you fell, am-I-right?

Friend 2: (Looks down at left side) Well, I mean, I was winded at first, and then you kept flinging me around everywhere so I haven’t had time to think –

Friend 1: Exactly!  They can’t catch you if you’re on the move!

Friend 2: But I can’t move forever; I’ll have to sleep at some point!

Friend 1: That’s what the ice is for!

Friend 2: (Slows down) I don’t know; what if I’m causing more damage by not resting –

(Pain 1 and 2 stealthily approach; Friend 1 grabs a bottle from the kitchen counter and sprays water at them)

Friend 1: Begone!  (Pain 1 and 2 scurry back to their corner; to Friend 2) MOVE!

(They march in circles for quite some time)

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(Friend 2 is lying on the couch while Friend 1 dozes in a chair)

Friend 2: (Checks the ice packs) Oh shoot, the frost is melting all over me.  If it wasn’t just water, I’d be really ticked.

Friend 1: (Startles awake) Huh, monsters, what?

Friend 2: No, I was saying the ice packs are melting.  I think we’ve done all we can on that end anyway.

Friend 1: (Looks around) Hm, our buddies do seem to be gone; let’s check the damage.

(Friend 2 takes off the duct-taped ice packs to reveal tiny versions of Pain 1 and 2 are latched onto each limb)

Pain 1 and 2: (Tiny voices) Howdy!

Friend 1: (Sighs) Drat.  I failed!

Friend 2: Well, they’re much more manageable like this, at least.

Friend 1: (Whips out an ibuprofen bottle and shakes it at them) Not for long!

Pain 1 and 2: (Tiny screams) Aaaaahhhh!!!

Friend 2: Hey, why didn’t you just give me some of those earlier?

Friend 1: I prefer a holistic approach when it comes to pain obliteration.

Story 372: Oblivia’s New Year 2021

 (At home, Oblivia wears a comfy robe and pajamas and hums while making a cup of coffee and waffles.  She then gleefully carries a tray with her breakfast and sets it on her bed, then snuggles under the covers before turning on a laptop and logging into a video conference)

Manager: (Addressing the four other screens in attendance) So let’s get started – first off, you’ve probably all guessed by now no one’s getting a bonus this year.  (The others mumble in the affirmative) And we’ve lucked out the company doesn’t have lay off anyone – yet – but I was told we have to slash the department’s hours again –

Coworker 1: But my health insurance can’t take any slashing!

Manager: Don’t worry, I’m told that’ll be unaffected – (Mutters underneath biting nails) – for now.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Then yay, shorter work week!

Manager: The workload’s increased and you have even less time to do it in.

Coworker 1: Aw, nuts.

Manager: Now, let’s go over the budget – how’re the numbers for this quarter?

Coworker 2: Abysmal.

Manager: Drat.  How’s Marketing looking?

Oblivia: (Mouth full of toast, gives two thumbs-up) Great!  Practically the best it’s ever been!

Manager: …Are you… wearing your PJs and eating breakfast in bed?

Oblivia: Oh yeah, this is the best set-up I’ve had in years!  I love working from home, don’t you?

Manager: (Slow blink as a screaming toddler runs past in the background) Not particularly.

Coworker 3: Speaking of, year-ago-me can’t believe I’m asking this but any word on when we might be able to come back into the office?

Manager: (Tosses away a cat walking across the desk) What do you think?!

Coworker 3: Just checking – I’m starting to lose feeling in my legs for hours at a time now that I’m working from the couch all day long.

Manager: Oh, boo-hoo!  Remind everyone out there to feel bad for your inconvenience!

Coworker 3: I withdraw my statement.

Manager: Seriously though – get up and take a walk once in a while, you might be working on deep vein thrombosis.

Coworker 3: What?

Oblivia: (Slurps coffee) By the way, anybody got plans for New Year’s Eve?

Manager: Are you kidding?!

Oblivia: I usually wind up staying home, but I like to live vicariously by hearing about what everyone else is doing.

Coworker 1: Staying home.

Coworker 2: Staying home.

Coworker 3: Staying home.

Manager: Staying home, like we’ve been doing all year long!

Coworker 2: I thought it was only since March?

Manager: “Only”?!

Oblivia: I also wanted to see if you all made resolutions yet.  Mine’re the same every year: eat healthier and read at least one educational book.  I fail every year, though.

Coworker 2: Heh, my resolutions usually are the book thing and lose 20 pounds.  I also fail.

Coworker 1: I resolve in 2021 to be more appreciative for the good things in my life.  Oh, and also wash my hands better, `cause apparently I’m still pretty bad at it.

Coworker 3: I’m resolving to walk every day, and call my family and friends more, and volunteer somewhere at least once a month, and – I’m already exhausted, forget it.

Oblivia: Ooh, I’m gonna add the walking bit, maybe I’ll be able to squeeze that into errands, hm?

Manager: Who cares?!  I’m trying to run a meeting here and no one’s paying attention!  This department barely functioned on a good day and it’s even worse now that everyone’s telecommuting!

Oblivia: I don’t know, I think this has been a successful experiment with all of us not having to deal with each other in-person 40+ hours a week; I’d like to continue it forever if that’s all right.

Manager: It’s not an experiment!  Do you even know what’s going on around you?!

Oblivia: Year-round hibernation?

(Manager clunks head down on the desk)

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(In the same robe and pajamas, Oblivia samples from champagne and desserts while watching television shows leading up to 2021)

News Anchor: – we’ll all certainly be glad to say “Good Riddance” to 2020, and look forward to a hopefully better 2021.

Oblivia: Don’t people say that every year?  (Watches the ball drop)

Crowds: Happy New Year, dagnabbit!  Save us, 2021!

Oblivia: Hm.  It would be ironic if this is the year an asteroid finally does wipe us all out.

Story 371: Do Your Last-Minute Gift Shopping in Bad Weather

(Snow is gently falling from the twilight sky – don’t be fooled, the flakes on the ground are hard as a rock and nearly a foot deep on grass and pavement alike.  Dad stands at the living room window, watching the accumulation outside with a maniacal smile)

Dad: (Softly) At last, the world is mine.  (Throws on a heavy coat, gloves, and boots and heads to the front door)  I’m goin’ out to do my Christmas shopping, bye!

Mom: (Curled up in an armchair, not looking up from the book she is reading) Gotta clean off the car and driveway first.

Dad: AREADY DID IT!  (The front door blows shut behind him)

Mom: (Looks up with a confused frown as squealing tires screech along the driveway and down the street) When?

(On the highway, Dad drives between 10 and 15 mph with both the defroster and the radio blasting)

Dad: “Jingle bells”…. (Swerve) “Silver bells”…. (Skid) “Just hear those sleigh bells”…. (Stutter-stop)…. “The bells of Christmas”.... (Swerve-skid) “The bells of St. Mary’s”…. (Slams to a stop in a parking spot at a mall) Sure are a lot of bells this time of year.  (Purposefully strides toward the mall entrance and stops just inside a main door, whipping out a list.  Looking around, there are some crowds but not as many as are usually there on December 23) Perfect.  The storm filtered out the weak.  (He goes from store to store, accumulating bags bursting with items as he whistles carols all the while, handing a candy cane to a Santa Claus as he passes by the pop-up North Pole near the elevators.  Leaning on the checkout at one store while Cashier 1 rings up the purchase) If anyone asked me what I’d like for Christmas, it’d be for someone to pay off my credit card, know-what-I-mean?  (Dad and Cashier 1 simultaneously glance down at the huge pile of stuff he is buying; in a small voice) Don’t judge.

Cashier 1: Not in my job description.

(At a soaps-and-scents store, Dad strolls in, spreads his arms wide, and inhales deeply)

Dad: Aaaaaaaaaaaah – never knew how good this place smelled without the mass of shoppers blocking all my senses.

Associate: Do you need any help?

Dad: For once, no!  I can actually see where everything is in here!  (Skips from display to display, filling up a basket and zooming to the register)

Cashier 2: Bag?  Coupon?  Free gift?  Free gift wrap?

Dad: Wow, never got asked all that here before.

Cashier 2: Never had enough time to go through the list when we have to ring up 500 customers an hour.

Dad: I’ll take it all then.

(At the nearly empty food court, Dad heads toward a burger place)

Dad: (To Cashier 3) Yes, I’d like a triple-decker well done, all the fries, and two milkshakes – one to go.  (Winks)

Cashier 3: (Shutting off the lights) Sorry sir, we’re actually closing early due to the storm, and we never close early this time of year.  You’re the first person who’s come by in over two hours.  (Lights in the other food kiosks also turn off)

Dad: Point taken.  (Walks back to the main mall) Would’ve been nice to have the whole seating area to pick from, though.

(At another store, Dad is reading all the greeting cards)

Mall Loudspeakers: Attention, last-minute shoppers!  Due to the horrific conditions outside, we’ve decided to value human lives over any piddling dollars these struggling stores may make and are closing NOW!  Go home, you weirdos!

Dad: (Piling up an armful of cards and yelling up at the ceiling) Hey!  I haven’t gotten so much shopping done so fast in… ever!

Cashier 4: (Flashing the store’s lights) Bring what you have, please, so I can ring you up and finally get the blazes out of here!

Dad: (Dumps all the cards onto the counter) Oh fine, I was done anyway.  (In the parking lot, mountains of ice-snow outnumber the cars as Dad carefully balances his many bags and walks pigeon-toed to one of the closest spots to the mall, where his car is parked.  He dumps everything into the trunk, slams the door shut, then looks toward the mall as snow sticks to his eyelashes, the last remaining shoppers and employees stream out, and the interior lights turn off) Best Christmas shopping trip of my life.

Story 370: All the Ornaments Must Go on the Tree!

 (Sibling 2 walks from the car to the house while carrying a heavy cardboard box and kicks the front door several times)

Sibling 1: (Lazily opens the door) Heeeeeeeey, look who’s breaking and entering!

Sibling 2: Cute – mind if I drop your garbage in there now?  (Holds out the box)

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, sure.  (Opens the door wider to let in Sibling 2, then locks seven different bolts after closing it)

Sibling 2: (Drops the box with a crash onto the living room floor) Crime here that bad?

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh, no – habit.  (Dives toward the box to rip it open and noisily rummage through the contents)  You got everything?

Sibling 2: (Strolls over to the almost-fully decorated tree) Pretty much; I had to leave the one with your huge baby photo plastered on Santa’s sleigh behind, `cause Mom wanted “at least one reminder of our darling child on our family tree.”  You still go over there to see her and Dad once a week, right?

Sibling 1: Sure do.  No worries, I’ll just snatch it right off that sucker next time I’m there, heh-heh-heh.

Sibling 2: Don’t you dare – she’ll think she’s losing her mind when she can’t find it later.

Sibling 1: Not a problem, I’ll do it right in front of her; I’m an honest thief.  (Starts taking ornaments from the box to hang on the tree)

Sibling 2: (Watches for a few moments) I dunno, this thing looks pretty full already, are you gonna be able to fit all this new-old stuff on it now, too?

Sibling 1: Yes.  (Continues to hang ornaments without hesitation)

Sibling 2: You knew I was bringing over about a hundred of your kiddie ornaments today –

Sibling 1: They’re not “kiddie,” they’re “classic.”

Sibling 2: Whatever – you filled up the tree before you even got to these!

Sibling 1: Nonsense: there’s still plenty of room.

Sibling 2: (Holds one of the branches out a bit) I count three on this branch alone.

Sibling 1: Is there a rule somewhere that there can only be one ornament per branch?  (Props an ice pop stick reindeer on a lower branch surrounded by a skating dog and an entire snow family)

Sibling 2: I guess not, but it looks better to space them out more, and you don’t want the whole thing to fall over and break everything.

Sibling 1: All taken care of on that front.  (Lifts up several branches to reveal the tree trunk has been reinforced with steel poles, then points to the top to show guy wires leading from there to the four corners of the room)

Sibling 2: All right then.

Sibling 1: So you gonna help me out or what?

Sibling 2: Thought nearly throwing my back out hauling this stuff over here would be enough, but OK.  (Takes an knitted nutcracker from the box and squeezes through the laden branches to an emptier spot near the trunk; spits out needles) Where’d you even get all this new stuff anyway?

Sibling 1: (Adds a third star as a tree topper) Oh, here and there.

Sibling 2: (Tries to leave but an arm is now stuck; panics) Um, oh no, help – I think the tree is taking me!

Sibling 1: (Walks over and pulls Sibling 2 out of the tree branches) Whatever happens, never show fear.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: (Starts hanging a string of embroidered train cars across the tree’s middle) Have a firm hand, show it who’s boss, take no sap!

Sibling 2: Sass?

Sibling 1: I said sap!  (Pushes face into the branches) I see you trying to trap us forever in there!  Your evil plans are foiled once again!

Sibling 2: You know you’re yelling at something that’s technically dead, don’t you?

Sibling 1: Its sacrifice for our enjoyment is not in vain, so I fail to see why it insists on fighting its fate.

Sibling 2: (Watches as more ornaments are shoved in there) I don’t know, I think you’re smothering whatever’s left.  Where’re you even gonna hang the lights?

Sibling 1: (Stares at the tree with eyes widening in horror) Son of a – !

Sibling 2: Maybe it’s a good thing: there’s so much stuff on here the lights’d probably overheat and burn the whole place down.

Sibling 1: But lights are 90% of the effect!

Sibling 2: What about one of your 10 toppers up there, can you light those?

Sibling 1: And how would the rest of the tree look then, hm?  I’ll tell you how – like a fool!

Sibling 2: (Holds up an ornament from the box) Well I doubt you could event fit one more macaroni… doll… whatever this thing is you made in kindergarten –

Sibling 1: IT IS THE VIRGIN MOTHER AND CHILD!

Sibling 2: Wow.  Then maybe stick them on a table or something.

Sibling 1: And then where would I fit all my Nativity scenes?!  (Sweeps an arm toward a side table featuring five Nativity scenes of various size and scope) And Baby Jesus can’t be anywhere near there because He hasn’t been born yet!

Sibling 2: But He can be on the tree?

Sibling 1: Yes, because that’s an ornament!  (Grabs the macaroni, climbs a stepladder, and places the piece between two angel tree toppers) There.  Now hand me a string of lights while you finish up the rest of the box.

Sibling 2: I think this whole thing’s a fire hazard by now.

Sibling 1: I have seven fire extinguishers sprinkled throughout the place – HAND ME THE LIGHTS!

(Sibling 2 hands over a string of lights and continues jamming ornaments onto the packed tree as Sibling 1 works down, adding lights until both finish their decorating around the same time.  Sibling 1 plugs the last string into the wall outlet, and they stand back to view the colorful, bursting tree)

Sibling 2: Well, surprisingly enough, you did it.  I wasn’t sure about your hardened dough snowflake from Scouts at the end there, but you managed to fit every ornament from childhood until now onto this tree.  Except the one you’re planning to steal later.

Sibling 1: (Sighs contentedly) Indeed.  This is the most perfect Christmas tree in the whole wide world.

Sibling 2: I’m sure the one at Rockefeller Center pales in comparison.

Sibling 1: (Tilts head while squinting eyes) Still….

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: Needs tinsel.

Story 369: Wishing the Seasons Away

 (Friends 1 and 2 sit at an outdoor table in 75°F weather; Friend 1 pushes food around the plate with a fork while sighing in various pitches)

Friend 2: (Continues to eat while watching this for a few minutes) You’d better eat that eventually or I’m gonna find someone who will.

Friend 1: Hm? Oh, sorry – just having a minor life-altering existential crisis; I’ll be fine in a minute.

Friend 2: I dread to ask: what now?

Friend 1: I don’t know, everything?

Friend 2: You’re going to have to narrow it down a little.

Friend 1: I guess it’s just, I’m not, you know – in the spirit of the season.

Friend 2: Join the club: everyone else isn’t this year either, or else they’re trying to fake it `til they make it.

Friend 1: Oh.  I didn’t mean that – I’ve felt this way for years.

Friend 2: Ah, so this is just normal for you, then.

Friend 1: Yeah.  You know we haven’t even had real snow for about half a decade?

Friend 2: Don’t get me started on the climate – I’ll never stop.

Friend 1: Yeah, you do go on.  But coming back to my thing, I’ve found in my so-called adult life that I’m rarely in the spirit of any season, ever.

Friend 2: How do you mean?

Friend 1: Well, right now I’m bummed out by night starting at 4:30 in the afternoon and the occasional bouts of polar winds, so I wish we could jump ahead to late spring and midsummer.

Friend 2: OK….

Friend 1: And then when it is late spring and midsummer, I don’t do anything anyway so then I wish it were sort-of-winter again so I can pretend to hibernate while I’m really just indulging my sedentary lifestyle.

Friend 2: …What?

Friend 1: I mean, isn’t it so cozy to curl up with a blanket and hot drink while a blizzard roars right outside your window?

Friend 2: I guess, if you have a good home, but didn’t you just say we don’t really get snow anymore?

Friend 1: My midsummer mind forgets that.

Friend 2: Oh good gourd.

Friend 1: And while we’re roasting in the hot sun and can’t even go out because it’s either oven temperatures or all the good beaches and amusement parks are filled with everyone else in the world, I just wish: wouldn’t it be nice to bundle up for a brisk walk in the snowy woods followed by a good curl-up with a blanket and hot drink while a blizzard roars outside your window?

Friend 2: My head’s spinning with your repetitiveness – why don’t you forget the blizzard and just go bundle up for a walk now?

Friend 1: (Holds up a leg) I’m wearing shorts!  In Northern-Hemisphere December!

Friend 2: All right, forget the bundle-up: how about stop allowing the seasons to dictate your mood and do whatever you want whenever you want?  As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, that is.

Friend 1: (Taps a fry to lip while pondering) You make an excellent point.

Friend 2: I know I do.  Now let’s pay the bill and get out of here – there’re about 50 people hovering over there waiting for a table.

Friend 1: They can have it when I’m good and finished.  For now, I’ll take your advice and live in the moment: tomorrow, I’ll finally fulfill my lifelong dream and go for advanced surfing lessons.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, didn’t realize you were going to go in that direction....

Friend 1: It’s like you said: I should stop letting the weather dictate my mood.  This balmy Winter Solstice, I will be riding the waves and grilling dinner out on the balcony and drinking lemonade and creeping around miniature golf courses, and no store decorations or holiday carolers or religious institutions or consumerist commercials or well-meaning charities will stop my new happiness!

Friend 2: That’s the spirit.

Story 368: (Accidentally) Sending Inappropriate Holiday Cards

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a tuna fish sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Hey, everything OK?

Friend 1: Do you know what date it is?!

Friend 2: Uhhh, yeah, it’s November 30.

Friend 1: (Shoving a supermarket cart down the greeting card aisle; the phone is wedged between a shoulder and an ear) Exactly!  Thanksgiving was so late this year that I have not bought, let alone mailed, one season’s greetings card yet!  Not!  One!

Friend 2: (Resumes sandwich) Relax, there’s plenty of time.

Friend 1: I have no time!

Friend 2: But there’s still almost a whole month until Christmas and Kwanzaa, and it’s even almost two weeks until Hanukkah starts –

Friend 1: I HAVE NO TIME!

Friend 2: Whatever.  Then what are you calling me for?

Friend 1: I need someone who’d understand what I’m going through right now!

Friend 2: Let me know when you find one.  (Disconnects the call and closes eyes while enjoying the rest of the sandwich)

Friend 1: (“Gaaah”s while tossing the phone into the shopping cart, then faces the rows of cards with all the December and early January holidays.  Frantically scans the tab headings while muttering) No time – no time – no time – no time – (Finally sweeps a whole swath of cards and plastic holders into the cart and races to the cash registers at the front of the store) Why must I be burdened with so many loving family and friends?!

 ONE WEEK LATER

            (Friend 1 is relaxing on the living room couch watching a movie)

         Friend 1: Heh-heh, silly audience-insert character – don’t you know the protagonist is really explaining the whole situation to us?  (Pauses the movie to answer the ringing phone) Yo – `sup?

Friend 2: Glad to hear you suddenly have all the time in the world.

Friend 1: What’re you talking about?

Friend 2: Never mind; listen, were you paying attention when you were hysterically mailing all those cards you just had to get at the end of last month?

Friend 1: Last mon – oh, you mean last week.

Friend 2: Still was last month – you had that much time.

Friend 1: Fine, yeah, I kept track of what I sent out; why, you got yours already?

Friend 2: Oh, I sure did.

Friend 1: Great!

Friend 2: And I ain’t your grandkid.

Friend 1: …What’s that?

Friend 2: You sent me a card that said “Happy Hanukkah to My Beloved Grandchild.”

Friend 1: Odd….

Friend 2: What’s even odder is that you handwrote my name inside and called me “Bestie.”

Friend 1: Interesting….

Friend 2: Thanks anyway for the thought, but you might get a few more phone calls like this.  (Disconnects)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto the couch and resumes the movie) Probably a fluke.

(Several states away, Friend 1’s Grandparent opens a card from Friend 1)

Grandparent: (Reads) “Merry Christmas to the Best Teacher I Ever Had.  A+!”  Oh dear, I think that child has lost it.  Bound to happen with this family.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s parents open their card)

Dad: (Reads) “Season’s Greetings to the World’s Best Boss, From All of Us in the Office!”  Wow.

Mom: What disturbs me most is that “Mom and Dad” are handwritten inside.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Aunt opens a card)

Aunt: (Reads) “Mazel Tov on Your Bar Mitzvah!”  I don’t even know where to start.

(Several towns away, Friend 3 opens a card)

Friend 3: (Reads) “Happy Kwanzaa to You and Yours!”  Aw, that’s nice.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Cousin opens a card)

Cousin: (Reads) “Every Christmas Married to You Reminds Me Miracles Really Do Come True”….  Did I miss something?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Yes, how can I help you today?

Friend 1: (Soaking feet in a home pedicure tub) So yeah, a whole bunch of people called, but I am not doing this again.

Friend 2: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 1: The thing with the cards!

Friend 2: Oh, that.  Well, that’s what you get when you rush, especially when it seems you didn’t even have to.

Friend 1: I must say, there was one recipient who did get a holiday- and relationship-appropriate card from me.

Friend 2: Congratulations: a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Friend 1: Scorn away – I will triumph.

Friend 2: In what?  It’s over!

Friend 1: In next year.  I’ll send all my cards in August, and we’ll see who’s confused then!

Friend 2: Pretty much everyone, I’d imagine.