Story 644: Yoga on the Beach Can Be More Stressful Than You’d Think

             (On a beach at sunrise, Student 1 carries a beach towel and trots quickly over to a small group by the shoreline, where Teacher is facing away from the water and the other Students are facing toward the water; all are seated crossed-legged on beach towels, eyes closed and hands facing up on top of knees)

Student 1: (Waving to Teacher while tripping over the shifting sands) Hi!  Sorry – hi!  Sorry I’m late – the walk from the street to here was a lot longer than I thought.

Teacher: (Eyes still closed) No worries – (Gestures to an open binder on the sand nearby) you only missed a minute of meditation but your credit card will be charged the full amount regardless – please sign in and set up your towel anywhere you’d like, then join us in a few moments of stillness before class begins.

Student 1: (Bends down to sign the binder, then backs up while half-bowing several times and trying to avoid the other Students) Sorry – thank you – sorry – Namaste –

Teacher: That’s at the end.

Student 1: Right.  (Quickly opens up the towel and sets it down at the back of the group and rushes into lotus pose to match the others)

Teacher: (After another minute, opens eyes and stands; the rest follow) Now: let’s begin with a Sun Salutation.

(As the Students follow along with the sequences, a large beach cleaning machine noisily travels back-and-forth behind them in two-minute intervals)

Teacher: (Flows into Warrior 1 pose) Ignore that, and focus on the soothing sounds of the gentle ocean waves. 

(As the Students face the ocean during Warrior 1 pose, a jet boat plows across their view as it releases someone parasailing while screaming into the sky)

Teacher: (Flowing to Warrior 2 pose then to triangle pose) Maybe focus on the gulls instead.

(Laughing gulls sweep by close overhead; one neatly swoops down and snatches up a bagel that Student 2 had set on the edge of a towel)

Student 2: (Windmills arms to reach out while still half-upside-down in triangle pose and falls over) Hey!  That’s my breakfast!

Teacher: (Leading the rest of the Students to chair pose) One must secure one’s food at all times when one is one with Nature.

Student 2: (Grumbling while following the others from chair pose to Warrior 3 pose) One’s bagel being stolen sure means I’m out five ones.

(Beach cleaning machine gradually gets closer to the group on each pass as lifeguards run nearby before their shift starts)

Teacher: Now: this is a little tricky on sand, but try for tree pose wherever you can plant your right foot on your left leg; bring hands to prayer.

(Students try to place their right foot on their left ankle, knee, or thigh while standing; several fall over)

Teacher: (Standing straight and still with right foot on left thigh and hands together at heart level) Alas.

Head Lifeguard: (Blows a whistle to stop the jogging group right next to the yoga class) Here’s good: now drop and give me 50!

(Lifeguards drop and give 50 push-ups with loud effort)

Teacher: (Briefly gives Head Lifeguard a withering look, then addresses Students) Same flow, second side. 

(They repeat the previous flow on the opposite side and end at tree pose with the left foot on the right leg; several fall over again)

Teacher: (Standing straight and still with left foot on right thigh and hands together at heart level) Don’t punish yourselves.

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of six!  -----, party of six!>

Teacher: OK!  (Strains to be heard over the rumbling beach cleaning machine, laughing gulls, exercising lifeguards, and crackling loudspeaker) Time for some backbends.

Students: WHAT?!

Teacher: BACK!  BENDS!  Please.

(Teacher and Students lie on their backs on the towels and then go into bridge pose – a laughing gull suddenly flies through the small gaps that five students in a row have made with their bodies, cackling loudly)

Students 3 – 7: (Simultaneously drop back to the ground): AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Teacher: (Staring at the laughing gull now in the distance) I don’t believe it.  (To Students) PAY NO HEED TO ANY DISTRACTIONS –

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -------, party of 10!  -------, party of 10!>

Teacher: – AND TAKE THREE FIGURATIVE OCEAN BREATHS WHILE LISTENING TO THE ACTUAL OCEAN AS WE HOLD THIS POSE!

(Fallen Students resume the pose and everyone starts taking deep and regular breaths in, then out)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of 22!  -----, party of 22!>

(Beach cleaning machine rumbles to a stop right behind the class)

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Leaning out the driver’s side window) You folks gonna be much longer here?  I gotta finish this section in the next five minutes.

Teacher: (Springs up to stand) YOU KNOW THIS CLASS ENDS AT 9 A.M. EVERY DAY, DUDE!

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: Yeeesh, I’ll come back later, then.  (Noisily continues down the beach past the group)

Teacher: (Gently lies back down on the towel as a noisy propeller plane with an ad banner flies low overhead) AND NOW, CORPSE POSE.

Students: (Simultaneously raise their heads) WHAT???!!!

Teacher: SHAVASANA!

Students: OH, OK.  (They abruptly lie flat, arms and legs relaxed on the ground and eyes closed)

Head Lifeguard: (Blows whistle again; to lifeguards) Burpees!  I want at least 75 burpees from all of you, in the high-tide surf!  (Lifeguards splash into the surf and starting jumping up and dropping down over and over in the water, churning up the waves)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of 42!  -----, party of 42!>

(Jogger with a blaring radio runs through the gaps between the Students’ towels)

Jogger: (Singing along) <PARTY ONNNNN – ALL NIGHT LOOOOOONG!!!>

(A laughing gull lands on Student 1’s bare foot)

Student 1: (Head shoots up to stare at the sedate gull) Ummmm…. (Frantically tries to shake the gull off)

Teacher: (Lifts up head and sees the gull holding onto Student 1’s foot) For the love of – (Reaches into a bag, rips off a piece of bread, and throws it toward the water near the lifeguards; gull flies off Student 1’s foot and is joined by 10 other gulls that suddenly appear as they all noisily fight over the food scraps while avoiding the jumping lifeguards; to Student 1) YOU OK?

Student 1: (Shakily lies back down) I AM NOW, THANKS!

Teacher: GOOD.  (Also lies back down)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < ------, party of 65!  ------, party of 65!>

Head Lifeguard: (Blows whistle again; to lifeguards) Run in place, in the water, five minutes, go!

(Lifeguards go splash-splash-splash-splash-)

(Beach cleaning machine pulls up behind the group from the opposite direction)

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Leans across the passenger seat to yell out the window) Got an ETA now?!

Teacher: (Quickly sits up to lotus pose with hands together at heart level; Students follow) BREATHE IN – BREATHE OUT – NAMASTE – DONE!  (Quickly stands; to Beach Cleaning Machine Driver) HAPPY??!!

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Sadly) Never.  (Resignedly continues the eternal circuit up-and-down the beach)

(Beachgoers in nearby areas start playing different types of music very loudly)

Teacher: (Hands gripped together tightly) THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME FOR SOME SERENITY THIS MORNING; I HOPE IT BROUGHT YOU SOME SEMBLANCE OF PEACE FOR THE DAY!

Student 8: You know –

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < ----, party of one!  ----, party of one!>

Student 8: – I’m actually feeling even more stressed out than when we started –

Teacher: NO REFUNDS!

Story 375: How to Pass the Time Before Your Head Is (Figuratively) Taken Off

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is typing agitatedly away as Coworker 2 approaches carrying a large soft drink)

Coworker 2: Haaaaaaappy Friiiidaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!

Coworker 1: (Without looking up) You know that sentiment unreasonably irritates me – we clearly are not happy and want nothing more than for Friday to end.

Coworker 2: Well, just the business-day part of it for us in the office contingent – I felt the same way you do when I worked weekends in retail; Friday nights were just the worst.

Coworker 1: I believe it: I probably was one of your customers.  (An e-mail pops up – Coworker 1 freezes while reading it) Oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: Uh-oh, sounds like that sinking feeling.  What happened?

Coworker 1: The thing – I sent – I forgot – it needs – I missed – on Monday –

Coworker 2: Let me guess: you submitted something that’s due on Monday and just now were reminded that something else is needed for it but since it’s – (Looks at watch) 4:49 on a Friday afternoon it’s too late to add anything and now you’re doomed?

Coworker 1: (Nods a lot with a panicked face) And the worst part is, I’m not the one who’s going to be presenting it; my manager is.

 Coworker 2: Ooh, double whammy.  Now excuses’ll have to be made for your incompetence, but it’ll just look like your manager can’t supervise employees properly.  You’re gonna get yelled at both for messing up and for making the boss look bad – I don’t envy you one bit.

Coworker 1: (Sinks down onto the desk) What-am-I-gonna-do?!  My head’s gonna get taken off!  Again!

Coworker 2: This has happened before?

Coworker 1: A similarly horrific mistake, yes.

Coworker 2: Well, there’re only two things for it: send your manager an e-mail confessing all, and spend the weekend having the time of your life before facing the end on Monday.

Coworker 1: (Sits up again) How can I even think about enjoying myself when I have this hanging over me?!

Coworker 2: Easy: it’s not going anywhere and there’s nothing to be done about it until three days from now, so why spend your remaining moments of non-punishment miserable?  Go wild, I say.  (Looks at watch again) Speaking of, that very nicely ends my shift – bye.  (Leaves, slurping the drink)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the computer monitor for a few moments, then types a reply e-mail) Metaphorical falling-on-my-sword, commence.  (Selects “Send,” sighs dramatically, logs out of the computer, cleans up the desk, and leaves)

 FRIDAY NIGHT

 (Coworker 1 slowly walks to the train station for the commute home, then stops in the middle of the sidewalk to the annoyance of pedestrians everywhere)

Coworker 1: Wait a minute – this is the self-appointed Greatest City in the World!  Why am I heading home to mentally gnaw on work issues when I’m literally in the middle of all this stuff?!  (Runs to the nearest club)

Pedestrian: You go, office drone!  Take the world and give nothing back!

(Coworker 1 spends the evening club-hopping, dancing to loud music, eating delicious junk, and riding home on the late train humming that one song that never leaves)

 SATURDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 sleeps late, then makes a gourmet breakfast before heading to the nearest mountain to ski)

Ski Instructor: And how many lessons have you had prior to this?

Coworker 1: None!  (Crouches into a ball before pushing off to head down the entire mountain)

Ski Instructor: Wait, I didn’t teach you how to fall yet!

(Coworker 1 screams all the way, reaches the bottom, stops safely, and tips over onto a small snowbank)

Coworker 1: (Lying on back and staring at the gray sky) Wheeeee….

 SATURDAY EVENING

 (At a movie theater box office)

Cashier: May I help you?

Coworker 1: Yes, I’d like a ticket to the double-double-feature please, along with five tubs of popcorn and seven gallons of soda.  Oh, and all the candy.

Cashier: (Rings up the ticket) Just a reminder the final show doesn’t let out until 3 a.m., and you have to get all that other stuff at the concession stand.

Coworker 1: (Swipes credit card) Right – it’s been so long since I’ve done this, I thought it was all consolidated to one purchase by now.

Cashier: (Hands over the ticket and receipt) Thankfully not.

(Coworker 1 runs to the concession stand, the unconsumed sugar already kicking in, then sits in a theater getting lost in other worlds for the next six hours)

 SUNDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 joins a group doing yoga on a beach)

Coworker 1: (To Yoga Instructor) I saw some dolphins out there on my way over – will they be joining us like the goats do on those farms?

Yoga Instructor: No, they need to stay in the water.

Coworker 1: Cool – maybe I’ll join them later.

(The group members invert their bodies for the next half hour)

 SUNDAY AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 prepares to tandem skydive out of an airplane)

Skydiving Instructor: (Shouting over the rushing wind and the plane’s engine) Just remember: I’ll be doing all the work, so you literally don’t have to do a single thing except not get sick, if you don’t mind!

Coworker 1: No worries!  I figure if something tragic happens we’ll both go out together, isn’t that comforting?!

Skydiving Instructor: Not really!  (They jump, with Coworker 1 laughing and Skydiving Instructor guiding them and praying all the way down; they arrive back on Earth, intact)

Coworker 1: Yippee, let’s do that again!

Skydiving Instructor: Sure, if you’ve got another $300.00.

Coworker 1: Let’s do that again some other time!  (Separates their harness and rolls around on the ground in glee) I feel so alive, hooray!

Skydiving Instructor: That’s great – listen, I’ve got to get back for the next customer’s once-in-a-lifetime experience, so could you speed this up a bit?

 SUNDAY EVENING

(Coworker 1 curls up on the living room couch with a book and blanket; gentle music is playing in the background and lit candles are everywhere)

Coworker 1: (Engrossed in the novel) Aw, those two finally got together, that feels so fulfilling.  (Suddenly looks up and around) Wait a minute, I’m forgetting something aren’t I?... Of course!  Chocolate!  (Springs off the couch to whip up a hot chocolate bomb that’s all the rage this season, then sinks back onto the couch while smacking lips after the first sip) Ahhhhhhh, I have never felt so satisfied in my entire life since the time before I was kicked out of the womb.

 MONDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 wakes in dread, eats breakfast in dread, rides the train in dread, walks to the office in dread, and approaches Manager’s desk in dread)

Coworker 1: Hi.

Manager: Oh hi, did you have a good weekend?

Coworker 1: The best.  How about you?

Manager: Eh, it was all right – had to spend some of it finishing up the presentation for today.

Coworker 1: About that....

Manager: Yeah?

Coworker 1: Did you get my e-mail on Friday?

Manager: Oh yeah, I wrote back but you’d probably already left for the day – it’s OK you forgot that one section, turns out we don’t really need it for this so it’s no big deal.

Coworker 1: …Oh.  Really?

Manager: Yeah, the rest of it can do without it so it doesn’t matter.  You OK?

Coworker 1: I’m fine, why do you ask?

Manager: Well, you looked like you’ve been thinking all weekend I’d take your head off or something like that.

Coworker 1: The thought never crossed my mind.

Story 304: Best Summer Ever/Worst Summer Ever

Friend 1: (On phone) Guess what?

Friend 2: I would never be able to in a million years.

Friend 1: Well anyway, my manager just told me to take a whole bunch of days off this summer `cause I have too many vacation hours built up and I’d better use `em or lose `em so, yeah.  This’ll be great: now I can finally shop on non-crowded days, and go to amusement parks with a bit shorter lines and slightly cheaper prices, and hang out at beaches where I’ll almost have room to lay out all my stuff, and I can’t wait, this summer’ll be AWESOME!

Friend 2: Wow, that is… great.

Friend 1: See if you can take a few days off too, so we can hang out on a few non-weekend days like we’re playing hooky!

Friend 2: I… can’t really: three people in my department simultaneously quit this week and now I have to work overtime every day for the foreseeable future.  Possibly forever, because I doubt they’ll hire anybody to replace them.  You actually may not see me for a while.

Friend 1: …Oh.  Well, let me know whenever you’re free, bye!  (Disconnects call)

Friend 2: [Slightly disgusted sigh]

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 1: (On phone) Mm-yell-oh?

            Friend 2: Just checking in on the real world – you still have off a few more days this summer?

            Friend 1: Oh yes: actually right now I’m lounging poolside on a cruise to… somewhere; I lost track of where we’re at today.

            Friend 2: Oh.  When did you leave?

            Friend 1: Umm, let’s see, was it Monday?  No, that’s not right – Saturday?  I don’t even know what day it is anymore, isn’t that funny, heh-heh-heh?

            Friend 2: It’s Tuesday.

           Friend 1: Tuesday!  Yes, exactly!  Now I remember; I think there’s a midnight buffet coming up later.

            Friend 2: (Through grinding teeth) So when did you leave?

            Friend 1: Oh right – I think it was Friday.  Does it really matter?

            Friend 2: Apparently not.

          Friend 1: Ooh, they just announced the limbo contest’s up here soon, gotta wrap this up – how’s everything with you?

            Friend 2: I have to go to a wake tonight and funeral tomorrow.

            Friend 1: Oh no!  Anyone I know?

            Friend 2: My great-aunt; you never met her.

           Friend 1: Oh good.  I mean, sorry, I feel bad, I meant good I didn’t know her, I mean, you know I’m terrible with tragedy, I mean, sorry to you all, I mean –

            Crowd in the Background: Limbo!

            Friend 2: I’ll let you go – bye.

            Friend 1: Thanks, bye, have a good week!  Oops, sorry, I mean –

            Friend 2: (Disconnects call)

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 2: (On phone, in a hushed voice) Hello?

            Friend 1: Hey, you wanna meet me in Paris this week?

          Friend 2: What?  No, I – I’m working two-and-a-half people’s jobs, I’m in the middle of a neverending meeting right now, I can’t take any time off, what are you thinking?!

          Friend 1: Well, I’m in Paris at the moment, so if anything changes I’ll meet you at Charles de Gaulle Airport – just send me your arrival time and gate number before you land, m’kay?

            Friend 2: What – how – who –

           Friend 1: Oh, and make sure your passport’s not expiring in less than six months or else you might get stuck here – don’t know why six months, I’d almost understand if it was one month –

            Friend 2: What – when –

          Friend 1: Oh, and we should make time to tour the châteaux in the Loire Valley – but definitely the bulk of the stay’ll be in Paris.  You’re six hours behind us, so you should get here in time for dinner then, right?

            Friend 2: [Makes choking sounds]

            Friend 1: Don’t worry, they eat later here.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 2: (Waking up exhausted to answer the phone) Hello?

           Friend 1: So I’m in śavāsana at the end of my sunrise yoga session right now, which reminds me that I’m also doing absolutely nothing for the rest of today – want to come over and just lie on the floor with your arms and legs splayed out for hours?  We can have the ceiling fan going on overhead to have something to focus on.  (Hears dial tone) You still there?

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

           Friend 2: (Trapped in traffic, sees Friend 1’s number appear on phone) For the love of – (Bangs hands-free phone button in the car to answer) Yes – what?

            Friend 1: So my application to join the human expedition to Mars just got approved – wanna meet me in the space center this week and watch my microgravity training?

            Friend 2: What?!  Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: No – they accelerated the program so training got bumped up to this week.

          Friend 2: Well, good for you!  I’m on my way to another 16-hour workday before heading back in bumper-to-bumper traffic so I can move my stuff out of the apartment because the whole building got evicted!

            Friend 1: Really?  When did that happen?

           Friend 2: When you were in France, or the beach, or the Moon, I don’t know!  And now I have to live with my cousin who is a disgusting mess and another hour away from my job, so that’s even less sleep for me and more time driving, and I should have just said I’ll live in my car `cause I’ll pretty much be doing that now, and arrrggghhhh!!!!

         Friend 1: …So wanna meet me in the diner for ice cream when you get out of work at midnight?

            Friend 2: Yeah, all right.