tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86732489636664450182024-03-28T19:45:47.731-04:00The Skewed Life: Not A True Story, But Inspired By OneA parody blog, based on actual events.Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.comBlogger545125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-56024643719700545902024-03-28T19:41:00.001-04:002024-03-28T19:41:23.828-04:00Story 534: Easter Washout<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>Friend 1:
(Answers phone) Hi, what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: (On
phone) Not much – just wanted to wish you and your family a Happy Easter!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: Aw,
thanks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally I’d wish you and your
family a Happy Passover at the same time, but apparently the lunar cycles went
rogue and we’re not holiday buddies this year.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: Oh
well, it happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, you still heading
out to your cousins’ house for dinner today?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: But of
course: as long as I never have to host any of these things, I’m happy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: It’s
just that all the rain we’ve had this week’s overflowed the creeks and rivers
and swamps and there’s flooding everywhere.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1:
Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How I loathe it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: Yeah,
it’s been a bit of a drag lately – I know we’re coming up on “April showers
bring May flowers,” but this is ridiculous.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend1: <u>What</u>
May flowers?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been raining nonstop
since September so all the flowers who eventually appear will drown!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: It
hasn’t been <u>that</u> bad –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: It has
too been that bad!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t realize this
part of the country had transformed into Seattle sometime in the last 10 years,
yet here we are!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was shocked that one
day in February we actually had snow when it was zip in that department for a
straight 23 months!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: Great,
no frost; the flowers should be fine, then.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: No,
no!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This half of the Earth didn’t
properly hibernate and reset, so when it’s time for flowers to bloom there’ll
be bupkis instead!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The constant deluge
will wash all the seeds away, and whatever managed to hang on will wait until
July when it’s finally dry enough to emerge, then poke their heads out of the
ground for two seconds just in time to shrivel up and die because it now over
100°F in the shade!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: It’s
not that terrible – I still see plenty of flowers out in the spring.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: What
spring?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We get cold rain and warm rain,
and that’s it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And today’s Easter, the
holiday of renewal and rebirth, and all I see are no flowers, and sheets and
sheets of polluted water!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: Well,
maybe next week’ll be better since it’ll be the start of April.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: The
Earth doesn’t know that it’s April next week!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All it knows is it’s got a fever that it’s trying and failing to sweat
out!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: OK,
anyway, you have a Happy Easter regardless of having to row to your family
dinner – I’m hanging up now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1:
Thanks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If my cousins’ house is now
surrounded by a moat though, I am turning around and rowing back home, I don’t
care how much chocolate the Easter Bunny has waiting for me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2:
Wow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Situation must be worse than I
thought.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: You
have no idea.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-24741852980895862852024-03-21T19:25:00.002-04:002024-03-21T19:31:41.465-04:00Story 533: House-and-Pet Sitter for Hire<p style="text-align: center;"> WEDNESDAY MORNING</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"> <span> </span><span> <span> </span></span>(Employee lies
on the couch playing a video game on a tablet, pausing it when the phone rings)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Hey,
what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Manager: (Voice)
You do realize that the third no-call/no-show means you’re fired, don’t you?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Oh
yeah, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that: I really can’t take the toxic
work environment there anymore, so I decide not to expose myself to it ever
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I probably won’t get unemployment
either, but I figured the trade-off was worth it in the long run.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Manager: (Voice)
…Please take me with you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Sure,
it’s amazingly easy to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Requires
literally no effort on your part.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Manager: (Voice)
…No, what am I saying?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t
cold-bloodedly commit – (Whispers) “Job Abandonment”!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Normal volume) How would I sleep at night?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Same
as you do every night, only with less stress I’d bet.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Manager: (Voice;
sighs) It’s all those other things too, you know: steady paycheck, health
benefits, the forever-unrealized hope of an actual vacation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You gonna be OK with all that gone now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Yeah,
I’ll be fine – I’ll figure out something.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Manager: All
right: best of luck to you then, and send some of it my way while you’re at it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: I
would, but I don’t share – bye!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Ends
the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and opens an Internet browser on the
tablet) Let’s see: easy money, easy money…. (Reviews several search results) “Rideshare
Driver” – ugh, driving…. “Bike Messenger” – ugh, bicycling…. “Dog Walker” –
ugh, walking…. Oh hello, what’s this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“House-and-Pet
Sitter Needed ASAP”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pulls up a
description of the position which includes a photo of a ginormous mansion) Yeah,
dogs are walking right to the ol’ backyard – I’m in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Accepts the posting and leaps off the couch
to pack an overnight bag and take a bus to the mansion)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"> ONE HOUR LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(Employee
struggles up a steep hill to the mansion, gasping and sweating under the hot Sun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the end of the driveway, Employee grabs
onto the gate for support which causes it to swing open)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Aw,
how thoughtful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Struggles up the long,
long driveway; on reaching the house and lumbering up many steps to the front
entrance, the door suddenly flings opens to reveal Employer wearing a nice
suit, light gloves, and a long coat with a dog excitedly barking nearby)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer:
(Hurriedly) Hi, you’re the one who answered the ad right away?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Hunched over at the knees to catch breath; gives a slight wave) Yep – [GASP] –
that’s me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: Great,
come on in!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Turns around and trots
through a hallway into the kitchen, followed by the eager dog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Employee, recovered, strolls in afterward,
eyes widening while slowly taking in the massive luxury all around) In here!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Right!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Lightly jogs in to the kitchen)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Ripping
open a large bag of high quality dog food) Yeah, I’m kind of in a hurry – I
have to get going soon, but first I had to go out and get some more dog food
since the bowls were ABSOLUTELY EMPTY!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Nearly spills out the food with a massive tear)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: …OK.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Pours
a lot of food into a bowl) Sorry, it’s just – seeing this – argh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the water bowls were empty, too!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: …OK.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Looks
back at Employee) Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>You</u>
understand!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Brings the overflowing bowl
down to the floor to the patiently waiting dog, who devours the contents; rubs
the dogs ears soothingly) Yes my love, you were literally <u>starving</u>
weren’t you, yes you were!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Gives a pat
on the head, stands to grab another bowl, opens the refrigerator, takes out a
fancy water bottle, and pours its contents into the bowl) Unbelievable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And to top it off, there were no treats in
sight either so I had to pick up those, too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Gestures to another bag on the counter)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: …OK.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: So,
what you see here? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Twice a day, 9 a.m.
and 5 p.m.; treat around 1; pretty simple, right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Right.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: And
the backyard’s immense, so let sweetums here do business wherever there.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: …If
you insist.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Sets
down the full water bowl next to the food; the dog then begins lapping that up
furiously as Employer rubs the ears again) So thirsty, my love!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s just terrible…. (Clenches other hand)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: (Has
been looking around the kitchen unobtrusively) So, that go for all the dogs,
then?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Looks
up at Employee) Hm?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Gestures to the other bowls laid out near the still-drinking dog) Looks like
there are about five dogs here.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer:
(Focuses on rubbing the dog’s back) Oh, the other four ran off earlier this
morning.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Oh! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Cringes slightly) Do you… want me to go look
for them?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer:
(Sharply) They’re better off!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: …OK.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Gives
one last pat and stands again) So!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let
me give you the five-minute tour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Opens
wide the combination freezer-fridge for Employee to see) Eat all the food you
want here and in the pantry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Mmm….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer:
(Gestures Employee to follow into multiple living/game rooms) Watch and play <u>anything</u>
you want, even if it says credit card payment’s required.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Ooh….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(They both walk
upstairs, followed by the dog)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer:
(Opening bedroom and bathroom doors) Sleep <u>anywhere</u> and <u>everywhere</u>
you like, and use all the soaps and towels you want.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
Ooohhhh….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Opens
the door to a massive closet in the master bedroom) Wear anything that takes
your fancy in here, including the shoes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
Oooohhhh – although I don’t think I’m quite the right size.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: I’m
sure there’s something that’ll do; keep whatever you want from here.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Ha-ha-ha
– seriously?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: You
have no idea.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Umm….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(They go back
downstairs and out the back door, sans dog, to survey the adventure park that
is the backyard)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Points
to each area) Inground heated pool – tennis court – go-kart track – bouncy
castle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any supplies not already out
here are in the shed; lock’s busted so you can go right in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: Cool.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(They walk over
to the open garage)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Opens
one of the five cars parked inside and grabs a set of keys from under the
driver’s side Sun visor) You drive?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: When
the situation calls for it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer:
(Tosses the keys to Employee, who almost fumbles catching them) It’s yours –
consider it your payment since I don’t have cash handy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Title’ll be transferred to your name later.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Stares at the keys and Employer in disbelief) No way!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Eyes narrow in suspicion) What’s the catch?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: No
catch; just do exactly what you were hired for. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Both walk back into the house; Employer picks
up the waiting dog and pets the latter affectionately) Especially take care of
this precious little lovey-wovey dumpling!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Pockets the car keys) Oh, I <u>definitely</u> will.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer:
Good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Sets down the dog with one last
pat) Well, I’m off – call 911 if you need anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Heads to the front door)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Follows in slight confusion, with the dog not far behind) Wait a minute, is
there a security system I should set or something?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or house keys in case I need to go out, even
though I really don’t want to, ever?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer:
(Chuckles) Don’t worry about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Employee double-takes; Employer reaches the front door, scoops up a
large sack that was sitting on the floor next to it, and turns to the former)
It’s posted all over social media that the trip’s done by Monday night around
7:00 so please leave before then, and wipe down everything you touched before
you go.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Slightly crestfallen) Right, of course.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer: (Opens
the front door, then turns to Employee again) Oh, one more thing: feel free to
trash the place.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Laughs, then stops at Employer’s somber face) What?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employer:
Seriously: trash it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’ll bring me
joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Smiles down at the dog, standing
next to Employee with tail wagging in glee) Bye-bye, baby!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Blows kisses to the dog and leaves with a slamming
door, followed soon after by the sounds of a revving engine and screeching
tires)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Stares down at the dog, who merrily stares back) If this is a dream, I don’t
wanna wake up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Proceeds to spend the
next six days living in luxury, using everything inside and outside the mansion
and having a blast with the dog as they play all day, every day to Employee’s
mental soundtrack of party songs) <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">MONDAY – 7:00 P.M. <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Employee is
napping curled up with the dog on a couch while a paid move plays on the giant
TV in the main living room when the front door opens)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Stirring awake as the dog sits up and begins to bark, then checks watch) Oh,
shoot, honeymoon’s over – gonna get kicked out of paradise now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Rubs face while slowly getting up; the dog
bounces off the couch and trots over to the stranger who enters the living room
with a wheeled suitcase and a garment bag; both humans freeze on seeing each
other)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: Who
the blazes are you?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: I
could ask you the very same question.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: I live
here!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Uses a leg to shoo away the dog
trying to cuddle)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, your spouse or butler or
whoever hired me to watch the place and the dog, so….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: (Still
shooing away the dog while setting down the suitcase and the bag) What in the
world are you talking about?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: (Rubs
eyes some more) Yeah, sorry I’m still here when you got back; I was told I
should leave before now, but you know when you get <u>really</u> comfortable – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: Hold
on, hold on – told by who?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m the only
one who lives here!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: (Blinks
a few times) Umm… I am <u>extremely</u> confused right now….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: (Walks
to a panel on a wall) Yep: security system’s busted – gate was left <u>wide</u>
open – (Sees that the other rooms are very lived in) – place is a mess, and I
bet half my stuff is gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Takes out a
cell phone and starts dialing) You’re the most inept thief ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t even think about running – I’m calling
the cops.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Finally wakes up fully and also takes out a cell phone) Whoa-whoa-whoa, don’t
call the cops – yet; I just answered a job ad!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Brings up the ad and holds out the phone to Stranger)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: What?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: An
ad!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a house-and-pet sitter!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Hands over the phone to Stranger, then looks
down at the expectant dog) Speaking of which – time for your extra treat!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Employee and the dog skip into the kitchen
as Stranger slowly follows while reading the posting; Employee feeds the dog a
biscuit) I probably started a bad habit with this, but when those big eyes look
at you so sweetly, how can we mere humans resist?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Rubs the dog’s ears fondly)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: (Hands
the phone back to Employee, who stands to take it) I didn’t place this ad.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Pockets the phone with a shrug) Oh, well, like I said, that cousin or personal
assistant or whoever hired me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: And
like <u>I</u> said, I’m the only one who lives here!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Suddenly looks around the kitchen) And where
are all the other beasts?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Raises eyebrows) I was told that the other <u>dogs</u> ran off before I got
here.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger:
What?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were worth thousands more
than that little runt who stayed behind!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Employee protectively picks up the dog as Stranger darts over to the
door that leads to the garage and turns on a light in there, voice echoing from
below) Ah!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My favorite car’s gone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Employee surreptitiously takes keys out of a
pants pocket and sticks them in a random drawer as Stranger runs back into the
kitchen and points to the former) You!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Follow
me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Petting the oblivious dog) Must I?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: Yes!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(They go
upstairs to see the very lived-in bedrooms and bathrooms)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Sheepishly, still cuddling the dog) I’ll clean all this up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger:
(Seething) Don’t bother – it might mess up the evidence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Strides into the master bedroom, flings open
the closet door, pauses momentarily at the sight of disheveled clothes and
shoes, and crouches down to the floor safe)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: (As
face is being licked by the dog) Should I step outside for a minute?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger:
(Gritting teeth while entering a code) No point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Opens the safe, which only contains a folded
piece of paper)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee: (Peers
over Stranger’s shoulder as the latter takes out the paper with a hand shaking
in anger) I’m assuming it wasn’t that empty when you last left it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: No it
was not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Opens up the note)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Shifts the dog slightly to read over Stranger’s shoulder) “Consider yourself
lucky – next time I’ll call the ASPCA for suspected animal cruelty.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Stranger stands
suddenly and faces Employee)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stranger: How
much money you want to keep the dog and never breathe a word about any of this
to a single soul?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Employee:
(Nuzzling the contentedly napping dog) No worries – I’ve been paid enough.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-80158240651574651152024-03-14T17:51:00.001-04:002024-03-19T21:44:24.427-04:00Story 532: The Spaceship Captain Who Can’t Even Anymore<p style="text-align: center;"> [Not based on a true
story; I’m just on a <u>Star Trek</u> kick lately and this is a sort-of parody
of those series]</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(On the
minimally staffed bridge of a slightly run-down spaceship, Destination:
Unknown)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain:
(Slouching in The Big Chair and staring broodingly at the various crew members
at their various stations doing their various tasks, then at the main
viewscreen showing the same images of stars, galaxies, and deceptive
nothingness streaking by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With a
full-bodied sigh, hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log:
Space Date 4… 3… 2… 1...?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s March 14,
2724 – I barely learned the metric system on Earth, you think I’m gonna learn <u>another</u>
standardized set of measurements more random than the English system?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever: just doing the obligatory check-in
where I note that it’s business as usual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We continue on our unending mission to who-knows-where in order to do
who-knows-what, getting into all sorts of shenanigans along the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whoever’s bright idea it was to stick
hundreds of terrestrial-based beings into an oversized tin can, continuously
pump fake atmosphere into it, use controlled explosions to shoot it off into a
vacuum and hope for the best, oughta be smacked upside the head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, what <u>is</u> the point of all this
anyway?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discovery?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re not <u>discovering</u> anything – every
planet and celestial phenomenon we encounter as we stumble along the stars
either is already known by the beings who live there, or is so incompatible
with our own flora and fauna that the best we can do is point and say “Ooh
that’s nice!” and move on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anything else
messes up the civilizations that were doing perfectly fine before we got there,
starts yet another war, or at best perpetuates the cycle of codependency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And don’t get me started on what goes on
board here during the downtime between stops on our improvised itinerary: we’ve
got more experiments going awry than ones that have any practical application;
equipment malfunctioning more often than it works that it’s a bona fide miracle
we haven’t all been blown out into space or sprouted extra body parts; and half
the crew hooking up with the other half that I’m frankly amazed that any work
gets done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if I have to sign one
more inane report on ship’s systems that should be running themselves at this
point, I am literally going to tear my own head off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant: (Has
been standing next to The Big Chair the entire time) Captain?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Turns to
Lieutenant) Yeah?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant: I
have a report for you to sign.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Stares
balefully at Lieutenant for several seconds) Computer: delete that log entry.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Computer: Log
entry deleted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Takes
the tablet that Lieutenant is holding out, uses a stylus to scribble at the
bottom of the screen, and hands it back) All done – I feel so fulfilled.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant:
(Stares a moment at the screen) Thank you, Captain, but this doesn’t appear to
be your name at the bottom.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: That’s
because it isn’t.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant: May
I ask – ?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: I’d
rather you didn’t, but go ahead.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant: What
does “TL;DR” stand for?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain:
(Chuckles) It’s an ancient Earth phrase that comes in very handy in situations
like these, Ensign.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant: …It’s
Lieutenant, actually, Captain.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain (Brow
furrows in confusion) Since when?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant:
Since you promoted me last year.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: I
did?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What for?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant: I
believe the reason you gave was “Unexpected Competence.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Thinks
for a moment, then laughs) Oh right, now I remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pointedly addresses the rest of the bridge
crew) It was so rare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(They duck their
heads in shame as Captain turns to Lieutenant again) OK, we’re done; what’re
you still hanging around for?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant: I’m
waiting to be dismissed, Captain.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: You’re
a full-grown adult, <u>Lieutenant</u>; you don’t need my permission to live.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant:
True, but we’re military so I do need your permission to leave.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: Ugh,
enough of that nonsense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Taps another
few buttons on the arm of The Big Chair) Attention, ship inhabitants: this is
obviously your Captain speaking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New
rule: when a conversion is clearly over, feel free to buzz off instead of
waiting for me or any other so-called “superiors” to tell you when to go, and
if turns out we’re not finished <u>then</u> we’ll order you back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Captain – OUT!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Taps another button to turn off the
intercom, then stares pointedly at Lieutenant)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant: Oh,
right – bye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Trots to the bridge lift
to exit)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain:
(Smiling at the retreating figure) I knew I made you Lieutenant for a
reason!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Leans back in The Big Chair and
starts spinning it from side-to-side, sighing again) I’m bored – somebody put
on a movie!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Pilot: (Turns
around in chair to face Captain) Um, Captain, we need the main viewscreen to
navigate.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: No you
don’t – the computer and sensors are doing all the work and you’re only telling
them where we want to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the
viewscreen just uses psychology to trick our minds into thinking we’re
actually getting somewhere in a universe that has no beginning and no end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pilot turns back to the controls,
flabbergasted; Captain opens a panel next to The Big Chair, rummages around a
bit, and pulls out a can of soda) Computer: tap into the kitten cam feed of the
Humane Society in New Jersey and patch it through to the bridge’s viewscreen.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Computer:
Accessing kitten cam feed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(The starscape
on the viewscreen is replaced by kittens playing with toys, napping, and
overall being cute)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain:
Heh-heh; sweet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pops open the can’s tab
with one hand and slurps the drink)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(An alert
sounds)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Communications
Officer: Captain, a ship from the star system we designated as Kepler-186 has
suddenly appeared off our port bow!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Nearly
spits out the drink) “Suddenly appeared”?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Who fell asleep at the lookout station?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Communications
Officer: Their ships have technology to hide themselves before making a
dramatic entrance, Captain!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: Oh
right, I forgot they had that – wish we did.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Communications
Officer: They’re asking us to pick up on the party line, Captain!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Drops
the soda can into the open panel and slouches again, head lolling back on The
Big Chair) Arggghhh, what do those douchebags want noooow??!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Communications
Officer: We’ll probably find out in a few seconds once we pick up, Captain.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Cracks
jaw) Computer: replace the kitten cam feed with the incoming call.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Computer:
Replacing kitten cam feed with incoming call.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Kittens are
replaced by the face of an angry-looking soldier)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: Earth
vessel –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Head
snaps from side to center) WHAT?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General:
(Momentarily taken aback) This is the warship –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: We know
what your ship’s name is, weirdo; it’s written in huge letters all over the
hull.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(General is stunned into silence)
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General:
(Regains composure) You have trespassed in our space and have 30 seconds to
move along or we will bombard you with artillery!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And possibly destroy you, but that outcome’s
never a guarantee.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Rolls
eyes) We’re nowhere <u>near</u> your space – and besides, no one <u>owns</u> space,
it just is; none of it can be yours and you can’t tell anyone what to do or
where to be!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Pilot: (Turns
around again) Actually, Captain, according to a memo sent from headquarters
yesterday, this sector <u>is</u> now considered their space.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General:
Aha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were told!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we do so own it!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain:
(Finally sits up and speaks to Pilot through clenched teeth) Then why are we in
it right now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Pilot: I may
have been a little distracted in my duties lately, Captain; my apologies.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: …If you
even <u>hint</u> that high-school-couples’ drama has nearly led to an
intergalactic incident, I will personally court-martial the both of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pilot turns back around and focuses intently
on keeping the spaceship hovering in place)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: Well,
Captain?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will you shove off or not?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Leans
back again) So, what, you want us to move four inches to the left or something?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: “Inches”?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: How far
do we have to move ourselves in order for you to be content?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: Oh, not
far – 1,000 light years should be sufficient.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Eyes
widen) Are you kidding me?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even at top
speed that’ll take us – (Counts on fingers) over a year!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And you only gave us 30 seconds!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: Which
have now passed, so it seems you leave us no choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To off-screen crew) Blast `em to
smithereens, good people!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Call abruptly
ends and General’s face is replaced by the kittens as the spaceship rocks from
laser beams hitting it)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Falls
out of The Big Chair, then scrambles back onto it) Are our defenses even
working?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Tactical Officer:
The outer energy fields should hold for at least another minute, Captain, so
that’s something.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain:
Unbelievable.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Lieutenant re-enters
the bridge from the lift)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant:
Captain!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(The latter whips around in The
Big Chair to face the former) “Too Long; Didn’t Read”?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Nearly
falls onto the floor again as the spaceship rocks violently) Are you for real
right now?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get outta here, and go wherever
it is you nerds hide during fights like this!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant:
(Gasps while holding onto a railing as the spaceship rocks again) You don’t
even know what I do here?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: No, and
I don’t care and never will, nerd!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lieutenant:
(Runs back to the bridge lift and turns around to face Captain defiantly)
That’s the last time I make sure the life support system works at maximum!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Lift doors close on anguished triumph)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain:
Cripes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Spaceship rocks the hardest it
has yet; Captain spins around to Tactical Officer) What’s keeping you?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fire back!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Tactical
Officer: How so, Captain?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lasers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bombs? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sledgehammers?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain:
(Holding onto The Big Chair’s arms for dear life) I don’t know; use your best
judgement!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Tactical
Officer shrugs and hits a button; a burst of light hits the other vessel, which
immediately shuts down)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: What’d
you do?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Tactical
Officer: Hit `em with an EMP – seemed best.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (To
self) I didn’t even know we had one of those.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Hits a few buttons on The Big Chair’s arm; General materializes on the
bridge) So!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were saying?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: This is
outrageous!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You not only trespass in our
newly-declared property, but you’ve now doomed my entire crew to a slow death
by suffocation or hypothermia, whichever decides to act faster!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once our homeworld hears about this
abomination, they’re gonna go nuts!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: Too
bad: picking a fight and then losing it spectacularly comes with the literal
territory.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: We were
defending ours!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: From
what, our nonexistent exhaust?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: From
your presence!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t like you, and we
don’t want anyone tromping through our interstellar backyard!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain:
Feeling’s mutual, but you don’t see me blowing up your ship about it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: But you
were told!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Pilot: (Turns
around in chair) We <u>were</u> told, Captain.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (To
Pilot) I don’t want to hear another word out of you ever again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To General as Pilot sheepishly turns back
around) All right, since you and your homeworld are clearly going to be eternal
pains about all this, I’ll make it real simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Computer: target the other vessel and relocate it – (Smiles demonically
at General) INTO EARTH’S SUN.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: WHAT?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Computer:
Incapable of executing command: not enough power exists on this vessel to
transport that amount of mass over that amount of distance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Sighs
and leans back to address the ceiling) I am surrounded by insubordination!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pushes off from The Big Chair and approaches
General) Fine!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ll bring your crew
over here, help you fix your ship, you go on your merry little way, we go on
to… wherever out of here, and none of us ever speak of this again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">General: No, but
it’ll do.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: Good,
`cause I’m hungry so I’m going on break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Trots off to the bridge lift, leaving no one in charge so everyone
looks confusedly at each other)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Hours later,
the two repaired ships part ways)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Back
on the bridge, eating a candy bar; hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big
Chair) Captain’s Log: The past few hours have been extremely annoying and I
don’t want to talk about what happened and wind up reliving it, so I won’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>[Crunch-Crunch] Oh yeah, one more thing: I’m
writing up the entire crew for sass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Even if they don’t to my face, I know they do behind my back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>[Crunch-Crunch] Blazes, these things are
tedious – having me “Dear Diary” every five minutes when there’s an objective
recorder in the background at all times is the definition of redundancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, if the ship crash lands tomorrow, who
cares what <u>I</u> thought about the whole thing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No amount of self-reflection’s gonna
unscramble <u>that</u> egg, know-what-I-mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>[Crunch-Crunch] That’s about it – end log.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Tosses the candy wrapper like a basketball
into a nearby garbage bin) Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing
but net.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Pilot: (Turns
around in the chair) Captain, I know you never wanted to hear me speak again,
but can I ask a question off the record?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Opens
another panel, grabs a pillow and blanket, reclines The Big Chair, and settles
in for a nap) Like I just said if you were eavesdropping properly, the computer
records everything like a spy so nothing’s <u>ever</u> off the record.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Pilot: Oh.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Closes
eyes) OK, what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Pilot: Well, you
clearly don’t want to be out in space – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: No
kidding.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Pilot: – so… why
did you join a space-exploring organization?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And bonus question: how did you ever get promoted to <u>Captain</u>?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Captain: (Puts
on a sleep mask and curls onto side) I had nothing better to do, and there was
a shortage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now: continue flying us on
our course to nowhere, and no one talk to me for the next six hours – I’ll be
deep in multiple dream cycles, which are far more entertaining than this
nonsense.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-90251627404349433002024-03-07T19:31:00.000-05:002024-03-07T19:34:25.187-05:00Story 531: In-Class Demonstration<p style="text-align: center;"> [Thanks to my nephew
for suggesting the story idea]</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(In a middle
school classroom)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher:
(Addressing students at the beginning of class) All right, everyone, today
we’re going to do something a little different – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Students:
Yaaaaaay!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher:
HUSH!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(They all hush) Now: since your
term project involves a deep dive into exploring gravity as an all-consuming
force in this world, I decided that a “hands-on” approach would be the most
effective method to drive the lesson home into your still-developing
cerebra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Scans the room and points to a
student in the middle of the third row) You!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: (Looks
around at surrounding students as they surreptitiously scooch their desks away
and then points to self) Me?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: Yes;
you’re still going to martial arts classes, right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: Uh,
yeah?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: Is that
a question?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: More of
an unspoken one of “Where is this going?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: I’ll
show you in a moment – get up here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Gestures to the front of the classroom)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: Umm… do
I have to?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher:
Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This’ll be fun for everyone, I
assure you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: OK….
(Slowly stands up and does the long march to the front of the classroom, turns,
and faces a roomful of pitying looks)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: Thanks
for volunteering – (Student double-takes) now, to demonstrate how gravity
controls us all no matter what we do, I want you, a still-sprouting youth who’s
barely hit 100 lbs, to utilize gravity in order to throw me, a full-grown adult
who could stand to shed a few, soundly onto the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Crouches in a defensive posture) And… go!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: Umm… is
this legal?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: I
didn’t bother to check, now toss me!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: I
really don’t think –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: No time
for thinking, aaaaahhhh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Rushes Student
who instinctively grabs Teacher around the middle and bring the latter to the
ground)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Students: (Stand
as one and raise arms to cheer) Yaaaaaay!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: (Holding
hands to mouth in horror) Oh no, are you OK?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher:
(Creakily gets up from the floor while holding lower back; Students sit down
again) That was very good, but we’re not finished.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: We’re
not?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher:
Nope!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took it easy on you with that
one by allowing you to use <u>momentum</u> to overcome my superior strength and
then <u>gravity</u> to take care of the rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now, I want you to try using gravity to take me down from a standing,
immobile position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Stands straight with
arms at sides)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: Uh, the
moves don’t quite work like that in this position – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: I said
“Take me down!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Student
crouches low while moving in, uses a leg behind Teacher’s knee to make the
latter’s leg buckle, and sweeps Teacher to the ground)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Students: (Stand
as one and raise arms to cheer) YAAAAAAY!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: (Helps
Teacher stand up again) I’m so sorry – did you hit your head?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: (Leans
far back and swings from side-to-side to crack out everything) Nope – all
good!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To Students as they sit down
again) See?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, gravity did most of
the work in pulling my massively muscled body all the way down to the Earth
that is continuously striving to merge with us!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: Umm….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: (To
Student) Now!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to climb on top
of my desk, and you’re going to have to demonstrate how gravity will shove me
off my perch and drive me into Earth’s unforgiving embrace.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: Do I
have to?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: (Climbs
onto the desk and stands on it) Yes!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Students: (Start
banging their hands on their desks and stomping their feet on the floor) YAAAAAAY!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YAAAAAAY!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>YAAAAAAY!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student: (To
Teacher, over the increasing noise) I don’t know – one or both of us could
really get hurt this way!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher:
(Crouching on top of the desk) C’mon, you coward!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Show me gravity!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(The classroom
door suddenly flies open and Principal strides in; everyone else in the room
freezes)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Principal: What
on <u>Earth</u> is going on in here?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The entire school can hear this racket!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: (Stands
up straight again) It’s OK; I’m demonstrating the force of gravity.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Principal: You’re
what?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You teach English Language Arts!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Teacher: Well,
how else am I supposed to get a bunch of pre-teens to appreciate the use of
metaphor in Victorian literature?!</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-6566898112649202372024-02-28T19:58:00.000-05:002024-02-28T20:04:54.722-05:00Story 530: What Is This Detector Detecting?<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>Customer Service
Representative: (Wearing a headset and sitting at a desk in a company’s call
center) Thank you for calling -----, this is -------, how may I assist you
today?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
(Perched at the top of a ladder in a hallway) Yeah hi, my smoke detector’s been
beeping for over an hour and I can’t get it to stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<BEEP!>)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: I have to ask: did you hit the big round button in the middle
yet?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: Your
qualifying phrase at the beginning staved off me screaming “Yes!” in utter
rage; well done.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Chuckles) Not my first rodeo.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
Huh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<BEEP!>)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: So!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It sounds like the
battery’s getting low and will need to be replaced.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
(Juggling a box with instructions while trying to keep the phone propped
against one ear) But it says here that The Voice is supposed to tell me there’s
a low battery, and it’s been suspiciously mum the entire time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: So it’s just beeping?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: Yeah
– about every 30 seconds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Driving me
bonkers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<BEEP-BEEP!>)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: OK – it’s also hardwired in, correct?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: I
think so; it was here when I moved in, and I found the box tucked away in a
cabinet.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: OK, if you haven’t already done so, turn off the circuit breaker
for that area and then take the detector off the mounting bracket that’s
holding it – you’ll also have to pop it off the wires that are connected to it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: Got
it – hold on a minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Sets down the
phone, scrambles down the ladder, and stats switching circuit breakers on and
off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Five minutes later) You still
there? (<BEEP-BEEP!>) </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Finishes posting status update “#questioninglifechoices” on
social media) Yes, I’m still here.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
Sorry, none of the circuit breakers are labelled so it took forever to figure
out which one’s actually connected to this thing – the hallway light’s out and
I’m now in darkness, but the detector’s <u>still</u> beeping!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: That’s probably the battery back-up, then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you take the detector off the bracket yet?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: Nope
– hang on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Grabs the detector, turns it
slightly, and pulls) Hang on – (Pulls hard with both hands while holding the
phone against a shoulder) Hang on – (Has let go of the ladder and dangles
freely while holding onto the detector still attached to the ceiling) Hang on –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: Did you turn it counter-clockwise before pulling down?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
(Straining while kicking in the air): Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now gravity is failing me in its one role in life!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: The device might be stuck – how many years have you been living
there, since you said it was installed before you moved in?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: (Face
turning red from the strain) I don’t know, forever it feels like!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: I’m sure it’s been less than 10 years – that’s how long these
things are guaranteed for.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
(Sweat pouring everywhere) It’s none of your business anyway!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ooh, wait a minute, did you say “<u>counter</u>-clockwise”?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: …Yes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Swings body to turn the detector in
the other direction; both the detector and Homeowner immediately fall to the
floor)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: Are you OK?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
(Faintly from the floor) No, but I got it off the ceiling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Sighs quietly in relief) All right, you’re going to have to
get a new detector at this point since it sounds like this one is a bust, so
I’m going to talk you through demolishing the battery so you can dispose the
unit afterward, all right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: (Has
wobbly stood up again, picked up the phone, and stares at the detector) All
right….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: Now, there should be a label on the back that says something
like “Remove this label and move the tab to destroy the battery”; do you see
it?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
(Squints while reading the back text) …No.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: OK, is there a label pointing out where the battery <u>is</u>?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
(Squints while reading the back text) …No.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Starts grinding teeth) What <u>does</u> the back of the unit
say, then?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: Not
much – it’s got some weird black triangle-thing with a yellow background at the
top, and says “DO NOT REMOVE” in really big letters in the middle, and then
slightly smaller “Stay Where You Are” at the bottom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Looks up in confusion) Does that mean the
battery’s somewhere else, then?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Flabbergasted) Let’s back up a bit here: what’s the model
number on the detector?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
Ummm.... (Turns the detector over, several times) Doesn’t have one.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Pulls the headset’s microphone closer) This may sound like a
stupid question, but what is the <u>brand</u> <u>name</u> on the detector?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
Ummm.... (Turns the detector over, several times) Doesn’t have one.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: So… how did you know to call <u>here</u>?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: I
told you, I found a box in the cabinet – it already had a detector in there
though, which I thought was kind of weird but figured it was a spare or this
was the spare, you know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Picks up the
extra detector where it was lying on the kitchen table) Hey, look at that –
this one has your company’s name all over it; wonder why the other one
doesn’t?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: Is it me, or are there more beeps at a time now than before?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: (Sets
down the previous detector and looks back at the beeping one) Oh yeah, I didn’t
even notice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s flashing different
colors now, too; I thought it only had green and red, but clearly it’s been
holding out on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wonder if it’s
sending out a signal, heh-heh-heh?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Gulping in panic) …Not to alarm you –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: Pun
intended!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ahahaha!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: - but I think you may want to call the police.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And leave your house immediately.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: What
for?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just some broken smoke
detector; doubt the place’ll burn down in the 20 minutes it’ll take to get a
new one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: The thing is, I don’t think it’s <u>actually</u> a smoke
detector; it sounds like – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: (On
hearing banging at the front door) Hold on, there’s someone at the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never ends, am-I-right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Walks to the front of the house)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Starts typing frantically) No-no-no, do <u>not</u> answer the
door, I’m sending the police to you – !</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Customer
Service Representative hears a door being unbolted and opened)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner:
(Voice is muffled by distance from the phone that was left on the kitchen
table) Oh hey there – what can I do for you folks?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Voice: (Muffled
by distance) GIVE US THE TALISMAN.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Homeowner: Hm,
nope, don’t think anything like that’s here, but next door might – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(An increasingly
loud whine resounds through Customer Service Representative’s headset)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Stops typing to pull one earpiece away and pull the microphone
closer) Hello?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you still
there?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hang on, buddy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(The call disconnects)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh no.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Manager
speedwalks to Customer Service Representative’s desk)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: I heard
the commotion – did they get another one?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Customer Service
Representative: (Takes off the headset and stands) I am <u>so</u> sorry this
happened – I should’ve realized sooner what was going on, and I think I sent
the police too late for that poor soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I failed in my sole duty of serving the customer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Hangs head in shame)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: (Pats Customer
Service Representative’s shoulder in sympathy) There, there, you’re not to
blame – you did your best, considering the circumstances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the bright side, this is a perfect example
for me to present at the next board meeting on why we need a product redesign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-68906167432432982272024-02-15T19:39:00.003-05:002024-02-15T19:39:57.087-05:00Story 529: I Forgot to Treat Myself on Valentine’s Day<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(At a café
table)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: – so now
we all have to work overtime <u>again</u> hoping we at least break even, and
I’m getting so tired of the whole thing I might finally quit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1:
Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you’ve been there for years.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: I
know, and I won’t quit; it just feels better saying I might.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: Know
the feeling.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(They both sip
their drinks in companionable silence)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2:
So!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday must’ve been rough for
you, huh.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: In
what way?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: Wasn’t
it Ash Wednesday?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1:
Oh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>That</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have to admit, I’m one of those Roman
Catholics who got their ashes and a brief prayer from a chaplain at work, and
skipped the rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although, I restrained
myself and did <u>not</u> have my usual Wednesday pizza for dinner so, go me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: Yeah,
but this year it fell on Valentine’s Day.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: (Eyes
widen slowly in horror) …Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????!!!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: Yeah,
somebody else I know was feeling down because they had to celebrate Valentine’s
Day a few days early this time because day-of they had to fast and abstain and
all that, so they got stuck doing their date night on Super Bowl Sunday which
turned out to be another inconveniently scheduled event this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I know you give up chocolate for Lent, so
that must’ve been a real drag yesterday when you normally would’ve been
celebrating the “holiday of love” with, you know, yourself.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: (Still
staring in shock) Valentine’s Day was <u>yesterday</u>?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: Yeah,
how could you miss it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the stuff for
it was on sale the day after Christmas.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: But –
but – I completely forgot to buy myself candy hearts and bouquets of chocolate
roses and sea salt caramels and gourmet dinner!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What kind of soul mate am I to myself if I forget the biggest self-love
holiday of the year?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2: You
can still do all that stuff now; just eliminate one ingredient and you’ll be
fine.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: No,
don’t you see it’s too late and now I’m entrenched in the season of
deprivation?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mardi Gras was right there
too and I blew it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Sinks head onto the
table and groans in annoyance)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2:
(Finishes the drink) That’s too bad – gonna make yourself sleep on the couch
tonight, then?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: (Looks
up again) Yes!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 2:
Ohhh-kaaaay….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(At Friend 1’s
apartment)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1:
(Staring morosely at various bags of chocolate candy on the kitchen counter)
And we didn’t even get a proper good-bye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Scoops up the bags, throws them into a cabinet, and welds the door
shut) See you in a month-and-a-half.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Goes to the living room, lies down on the couch, and takes a nap)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">[Dream]</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: (Entering the apartment)
Whoo!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was an obnoxious day.</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: (Cooking dinner on the stove)
I’ll bet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, you got something for me?</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: Umm… love and respect?</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: No, idiot: Valentine’s Day candy!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: That’s today?!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: No, idiot: it falls on Ash
Wednesday this year so you were supposed to do the last hurrah the day before!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: How could I have missed this?!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: Since you can’t even seem to
remember the explicit date of February 14 that’s so embedded with the holiday
they’re practically twins, I shouldn’t be surprised that this liturgical
calendar complication slipped your notice as well.</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: All right, all right, I’ll go get
some chocolate candy now!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: It’s too late: all the stores are
closed, it’s midnight so it’s already Ash Wednesday and the sacrifice begins!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: How can it be midnight; I just
got home from work!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: Who cares about all that?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You never think about <u>my</u> needs; it’s
always you-you-you, and your chronic obliviousness!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: (Collapses onto a kitchen chair)
What am I gonna do?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the few
times of the year where it’s socially acceptable to overindulge in sweets, and now
that I missed it by <u>one</u> day I’ve gotta wait another <u>46</u> before
happiness is mine again!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: (Now has a suitcase and is
wearing a coat) This is just typical: not only are you missing the whole point
of the season, but your one job is to keep me supplied in chocolate bliss for
9/10ths of the year and you failed on the holiday where it counts the most.</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: What about Halloween?</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: Halloween isn’t about love!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is, and you clearly don’t love me!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: Well, you can be a bit of a pain
sometimes.</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: Aha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There it is: the inevitable resentment buried
within the essence of supposed “true love.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m leaving, and you’ll have to sleep on the couch from now on!</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1a: …But why, if you’re leaving?</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend 1b: (On the way out the door) Maybe
I’ll see you in 46 days, but you’d better have <u>all</u> the chocolate heart
boxes that go on sale later this week, and <u>all</u> the chocolate bunnies and
<u>all</u> the chocolate eggs for Easter, or we’re through!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Slams the door, which makes Friend 1 wake
up)</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">[/Dream]</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1:
Wow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good thing I’m not in a
relationship for real – I’d never make it past any holiday.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-936040854443669112024-02-08T18:49:00.001-05:002024-02-08T19:06:10.513-05:00Story 528: Maladaptive Daydreaming Can Be a Real Drag<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Hey,
where are you?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Umm,
right here?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“No,
I mean where’s your head gone off to?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You’ve got that faraway look in your eyes that means while your physical
body is present, your consciousness has taken a trip to the moon or an island
resort or somewhere else the rest of us want to go, too.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Oh,
right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry – it was getting hot with
the air conditioning broken here again so I was thinking about playing in the
snow like when I was a kid, and now I’m freezing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You got an extra sweater handy?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“We’re
all wearing short sleeves because of the broken air conditioning.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Right,
right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never mind: I should be melting
again in a few minutes, then.” <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span> <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Hey there, you
finish that report yet?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Hm?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, right, that needs to be sent in today,
doesn’t it.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“…Yes, we’ve
talked about it several times this week and once this morning…. Oh, I see you’re
working on it now, that’s great!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How’s
it coming along?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“It’s… coming
along….”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“So, what, you
think another page or two left, another hour or two to go?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or it might need, you know, another day.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Another <u>day</u>?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where’s your mind at?!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“I’ve been wondering
that myself lately – it seems to be taking a lot trips to the beach recently,
and we wind up staying there for hours.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Ah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, can’t say I blame it.” <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span> <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Did you set the
security alarm before we left the house today?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Hm?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think so, why?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Because it’s
not beeping as we’re invading our own home.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I must have drifted off on our way out and
thought I’d done it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Drifted off to
what?!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“To what’s going
to happen next on <u>Sword Slash</u> when the season premier airs tonight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They left last season on a cliffhanger and we’ve
had to wait more than a year before it finally came back.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“….”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Not a fan?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“We could’ve
been burglarized!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Eh, no harm
done.” <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span> <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“So, it’s
looking like they might have to pull <u>all</u> the teeth out…. Are you
listening to me?!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Hm?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, yeah, teeth – disgusting.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“I don’t think
you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your mind keeps going off
places and you’re missing everything that’s going on around you!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Sorry; it’s
just that I’ve been replaying this scene in my head where my characters finally
triumph over the evil they’ve been battling for decades, and I’m trying to iron
out the details.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Oh, I didn’t
know you were a writer.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“…I’m not.” <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span> <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Excuse me.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Hm?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, sorry, I’m being a bit rude, I know – it’s
just that my mind tends to wander very, very, <u>very</u> often, and I find
myself immersed in all sorts of daydreams that it’s hard to snap myself out of
them.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Oh really?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Yeah, it can be
a bit disruptive sometimes – I don’t always get my work done ‘in a timely
manner’ or I miss important information that I’ll need later or I completely
breeze through a chore that I’ll have to redo because I didn’t do it thoroughly
enough or I find out that an event I went to was a blast but I’ll never know
because I’d completely tuned out during the whole thing – but honestly, life
can be so tedious and painful and pointless at times that escaping from the
futility of it all into a comforting world of our own making truly can be a
matter of survival in a sense, don’t you think?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“I suppose when
you put it that way, it can be occasionally, yeah.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“<u>Thank</u>
you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s such a relief to finally meet
someone who actually understands!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Sure.... You
can hand over your wallet now.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Oh right, we’re
in the middle of a robbery – checked out for a few minutes there.”</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-12111798020922589672024-02-01T19:45:00.011-05:002024-02-05T22:07:07.954-05:00Story 527: I Got a Bit Carried Away When Writing Season 4<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(In
a conference room, seated around a long table are a television series’
showrunner, producers, and lead actors; various assistants are seated throughout
the room behind them, ready to provide technical and moral support)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
(Beaming widely at the attendees) Hiiiiiii, everyone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope you all had a great hiatus!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(There is a chorus of mildly enthusiastic
“Yeah”s, “It was OK”s, and one noncommittal grunt) So!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By now you’ve all heard the <u>amazing</u>
feedback on the success that Season 3 was this year; the audience couldn’t get
enough of us and kept demanding more – (To one of the producers) genius idea to
go the traditional route and release only one episode a week, by the way –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Producer:
(Smugly) That’s why they pay me the big bucks.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Finally paid off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Producer
double-takes) We’re the critics’ <u>darlings</u>, reviews and ratings are
through the roof, <u>and</u> all the awards are pouring in, including –
(Gestures to Lead 1) our very own Best Actor in a Popular Series nominee,
yaaaaaay!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Starts clapping for Lead 1;
everyone else slowly joins in)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (Mildly embarrassed) Thanks, everybody; that really belongs to all of us,
truly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: (Seated next to Lead 1 and staring straight ahead) Then where’s <u>my</u>
nomination?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: You know very well I have no control over that stuff.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: Of course – it’s not like there’s any campaigning involved in these things.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: You were plenty welcome to submit your name as a nominee.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: That’s not how I roll.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Turns to Lead
1) Last I checked, this was an <u>ensemble</u> show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We <u>all</u> support each other.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: Oh yeah?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tell that to the upstagers
over there; I think they missed the memo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Nods across the table at Lead 3 and Lead 4, whose mouths drop open in
shock)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: Ex – <u>cuse</u> me?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Yeah, why’re you suddenly dragging us into this?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: Oh, I don’t know, maybe because every time we do scenes together, one or
both of you are mugging for the camera in every shot!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: It’s called “staying in character”, as you should know at this point in your
career!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And not being boring about it,
by the way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Maybe, if you had a little more fun with the role, you’d’ve also been
nominated for “Most Dynamic Performer in a Series” like we were. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: And won!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Twice!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Lead 3 and Lead 4 high-five each other)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (Seething) That’s a baloney award from a baloney organization and you know
it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Award’s an award.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: (Back to staring into the middle distance) You’re telling me….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Children, my children!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve gone
completely off-track and are now barreling through the forest of inanity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let us return to why we are all gathered here
today: our table read for the much-anticipated Season 4 of our show,
yaaaaay!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Claps again but only a few
assistants and producers join in this time) Now, you all were given each
episode’s script on your way in, so no peeking ahead to the finale!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
5: (Raises hand as the other leads take the top script from the pile) Question:
how come these weren’t sent to us over hiatus like usual?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like to prep before these things.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Well, this season I wanted to do something a little different: I wanted you all
to experience the wonder, the thrills, the chills, and the emotional
destruction of each episode together, communally, just as almost the entire
audience will when they watch these on the release dates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(The leads stare blankly at Showrunner) It’ll
be fun!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Sure, why not; I’m always up for something new.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (Narrows eyes at Lead 4) You would be. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Lead 4 gives a baffled “What?!” look)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: (To Lead 1) Not exactly the insult I’m sure you were going for.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (Flipping through the script) Realized that after the fact.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
OK!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, like usual, I’ll be reading the
stage directions and such; and you all of course know where to come in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please save any minor questions for the end
so we can keep this going; but if there’s something major you notice, feel free
to speak up immediately!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are
pretty much the final drafts since the multiple plots building up over the past
few years are so heavily intertwined that any revisions at this point will
cause the whole series to collapse in on itself, but, you know, as the
showrunner and sole writer on this show, I’m technically open to suggestions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
6: Why are you bothering with a table read then if you have no intention of
making any revisions?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
I wanna hear out loud how awesome it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without further ado, let us
begin with <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">SEASON
4, EPISODE 1</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;"></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
“Scene 56.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exterior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fortress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nighttime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Snow is falling gently
as a stumbling figure shambles toward the woods, then falls onto the ground in
utter defeat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Staring up at the
star-filled sky, we see that the fallen figure is none other than -------, who
smiles sadly as both Fate, and the camera, close in.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
6: (Looking concerned) “Whelp, it seems my journey ends here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a wild ride.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To Showrunner) Hold on a second – did my
character just <u>die</u>?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
(Grinning) Sure did!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was very
emotional writing it; the tears flowed freely the entire time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think you’ll enjoy filming it, too.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
6: So I get killed off in Episode 1?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Yep!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Definitely motivation for all the
other characters to, you know, keep fighting the good fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
6: So I’m done here for good?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Yes indeedy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been fun,
byeeeee!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Waves at Lead 6)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
6: But you told me back in January that I’d be in Season 4!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
And you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In Episode 1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Byeeeee!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Waves again)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
6: (Tosses the script onto the pile and mumbles) Wish I’d known that before I relocated
last year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Everyone else makes sympathetic
noises)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
5: Yeah, are there budget cuts or something we should be worried about?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Not at all!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To Lead 6) It basically
came down to the fact that you weren’t, how shall I put this, a “fan favorite.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
6: (Glares at Showrunner) You forgot my character was in the show again, didn’t
you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
(Becomes focused on the script) Yes I did – shall we continue? <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">SEASON
4, EPISODE 3 <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
“Scene 2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>------’s room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>------ is seated at a table, piling wooden
blocks in a symbolic gesture reflecting two of this season’s main themes when
there is a smart rapping at the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>------ accidentally knocks over the blocks, again symbolically, walks
over to the door to open it, and sees -------- on the other side.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Showrunner sets down the script,
unobtrusively takes out a small box of popcorn, and begins snacking on it while
watching Lead 3 and Lead 4 with intense glee)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: “Oh, hi!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: “Hey there!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You busy?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: “Not at all – come on in!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
“-------- enters and jokingly slams the door shut; the two then flop casually
onto two armchairs facing each other.” [CRUNCH-CRUNCH]</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: “So, that last assignment sure was a <u>lot</u> of fun!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: “I’ll say!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I love that it gave us
so many opportunities to bust our self-appointed leader’s chops.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Looks significantly at Lead 1, who fumes
quietly)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: “Well, busting chops is my specialty!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Plus we got to, you know, save the universe again and everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pretty cool of us, I think.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: “Yeah; who knew saving the universe at least once a week would be both
spiritually fulfilling <u>and</u> hilarious?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: “Right on!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Everyone with a script
simultaneously turns to the next page) “You know, while we’re on the subject, I
think it’s about time we moved on from goofing off non-stop and you – ” (As
Lead 3 and Lead 4 lean forward to their respective scripts with extremely
furrowed brows) “finally let me worship that hot, hot body of yours”?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Looks up confusedly at Showrunner, who nods
vigorously with manic glee)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: (Still staring at the script) “Oh baby, you don’t know how long I’ve been wanting
to say the exact same thing – take me now”?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Also looks up confusedly at Showrunner) Are these the right lines?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Of course they are – got your characters’ names attached to them, don’t they?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: Yeah, but this isn’t <u>us</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Gestures to self and Lead 4) We’re the comic relief!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: There has to be a mistake; these are the type of lines you usually write for
those two!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Point to Lead 1 and Lead 2)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (Smiling evilly at Lead 3 and Lead 4) I find this extremely hysterical.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: Guess you two better start hitting the gym, huh.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (To Lead 2) Ooh, maybe with the heat on them now this’ll mean we get a break
this season – doing love scenes are ten times more exhausting then pretending I
can do hand-to-hand combat, any day.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: No argument from me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: Hey, at least you two knew what you were getting into when you got cast as
the attractive leads of a show with such unsubtle romantic undertones – <u>I</u>,
however, did <u>not</u> sign up for naughty business when I auditioned for what
I thought was just going to be a quirky clown character with several intriguing
mini-arcs!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: (To Showrunner) And <u>I</u> was supposed to be a one-off and then
killed-off, but <u>you</u> called me back because you said the fans loved me so
much!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
6: Hm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Must be nice.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: (Winces) Sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Back to Showrunner)
So when did “punching up the script” turn into “borderline softcore porn”?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner: Relax: you know the love scenes I write are always extremely
tasteful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Returns to the script)
“-------- grabs ------, throws the latter onto the king size bed, and grabs a
bottle of hot oil handily waiting on a lamp table as they passionately tear
each other’s clothes off – ”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: OH, BLAZES, NO!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: My wife’s gonna kill me!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Don’t worry: there’ll be an intimacy coordinator there the whole time so
everything’s on the up-and-up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: Not the point!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Neither of us agreed
to these types of scenes in our contracts!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Well, you didn’t <u>not</u> agree to them, either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Both glare at Showrunner, who sighs) Fine,
fine: I’ll cut the scene short and you won’t have to do any of that stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will that stave off the lawsuits your eyes
are threatening?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: Maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also makes zero sense for
these characters, but I’ll be satisfied with no on-screen shenanigans.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: And no kissing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To Lead 4) No
offense; it’d just be too awkward.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: None taken – I agree, and I don’t want your wife killing me, either.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Aw come on, watching people make out on-screen is so cathartic!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3 and Lead 4: NO!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
(Sighs again and starts crossing out lines in the script) You win; it’ll just
be heavily implied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lot of fans are going
to be very disappointed, though.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: Well, tell them that’s what fan fiction’s for!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Where do you think this idea came from?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Seriously?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our characters got paired
up in fan fiction?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To Lead 3) I never
played it that way; I thought we were just buddies, almost like siblings.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: (Laughs ruefully) Pal, that’s where some of the most <u>intense</u> sagas
there get started – not that I’ve actually read any of them…. (Sips water while
looking everywhere else but at Lead 4)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: As riveting as all these negotiations are, can we back to the actual reading
before it’s time to start <u>filming</u> the season, please?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Why, are we upstaging you again?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: Yes!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Fair enough. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">SEASON
4, EPISODE 10: SEASON FINALE</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;"></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Three
quarters of the attendees have dozed off)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
“Scene 257.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A cozy living room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A figure sits contemplatively in a chair facing
a fireplace.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Looks up from the script
and throws a piece of popcorn at Lead 7, who has been sleeping while leaning on
folded arms on the table for almost the entire session) Oi!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s your cue!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
7: (Startles awake and sits up) Huh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You killed off my character
last season; I don’t even know what I’m doing here.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
This is a flashback!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
7: Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you really need me, then?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just use stock footage; not to sound disrespectful
to everyone here, but I’m in the middle of a film shoot and don’t even care
about this show anymore.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
It’s a new flashback so we have to film it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Read the line and collect your paycheck!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
7: (Rubs tired eyes) Sure; something to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Starts shifting through the pile of scripts to reach the bottom one;
Lead 5 hands over a script open to the correct page) Thanks.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
5: Don’t mention it – I got killed off two episodes ago and I’m just following
along out of courtesy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
7: (Clears throat and reads flatly) “And so, as the black hole slowly devours
our solar system, leaving Earth as the last sacrifice to its eternal greed, we
come to that ultimate question that has defied the logic of ages: What truly is
the meaning of life?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To Showrunner) If
this is a flashback, when would my character ever have said this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And to whom? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And where is this even supposed to be?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
And <u>that</u> is the question!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead 7: What?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
And now you’re done – you can go back to sleep.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead 7:
(Hands the script back to Lead 5) Sounds like a plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Lowers head and arms onto the table again
and immediately falls back asleep) <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">SEVERAL
HOURS LATER</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;"></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
“Scene 3,072.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interior/Exterior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>---- and ------ are on opposite sides of an
open doorway in yet another symbolic expression of this season’s themes as a
reality-ending storm rends the fabric of spacetime around them.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To Lead 1 and Lead 2) This means you have to
scream at each other to be heard, by the way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (Braces self) “This is it!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Most of
the attendees suddenly wake up) “The end of all things!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: (Braces self) “That’s what you said at the last seven reality-ending
storms!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: “And I meant it, every time!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: “Guess this is good-bye forever, then!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: “I just have to tell you one last thing before we part for eternity!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: “I know!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t have to say a
word!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will always love you too, my
love!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: “Well… I actually wanted to say that I finally realized that I <u>like</u>
you more than <u>love</u> you, if you know what I mean!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: “…What?!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: “I’ve grown to respect and admire you as a <u>person</u>, so that transcends
the whole romantic, physical part of our relationship and makes it feel a bit mutually
exploitative, to be honest!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: “…What?!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: “I do still love you, though!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just in
the Platonic ideal sense, which shows that I have truly evolved as a human
being!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: “We’ve been intimate for almost five years and you’re just figuring this out
<u>now</u>?!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: “Because now is the end of all things!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(To Showrunner) I’m sorry, I gotta stop you right there –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
(Working on a bag of candy) Nope!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
almost over, so we’re finishing this uninterrupted!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (Grinds teeth while looking back at the script) “My only regret is that we
failed to save the universe this time, and soon all space and time will be
flushed down the galactic toilet that is a supermassive black hole!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: “I know!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And more importantly, all
our friends’ll be gone, too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re
losing everyone <u>we</u> care about!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
“At that exact moment, -------- and ------ ride up in a superhyperspeed-powered
motorcycle.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: Unbelievable – upstaged again!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Wait your turn!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Ride up in a
superhyperspeed-powered motorcycle.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: “Speak for yourselves, losers!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
created our own supermassive <u>wormhole</u> that’ll take us to an alternate
Earth where we’ll be safe and never have to deal with these cosmological
hijinks ever again!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: “Sorry – not sorry – there’s no room for the two of you to come with
us!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So… it’s been real!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: “You and me against the multiverse, babe!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: “I am <u>so</u> turned on right now!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
“They sloppily make out with undying passion – ”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3 and Lead 4: NO!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Crosses out more lines and
writes new ones)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It’s heavily implied
that they will sloppily make out with undying passion after they arrive on the alternate
Earth, and they rev off at faster-than-light speed to their new destiny.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3 and Lead 4: “Whoooo.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
A little more enthusiasm would be nice.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: (Turns a page ahead) Wait, that’s our last line?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
This season, yeah.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: (Mutters to Lead 3) This series, I’ll bet.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
What?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: What?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (Holding head in pain) Can we <u>please</u> wrap this up?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: I second that: we were supposed to end hours ago, and the daycare meter’s been
running well into overtime.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Do not rush art!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And your own
interruptions are not helping the cause, either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Returns to the script) “---- and ------
stare at each other with profound meaning as reality collapses around them.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: “The end!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: “Or is it?!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Everyone
still reading the script turns the page)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
“Cut to title card: TO BE CONTINUED.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Sets down the script and looks around the room triumphantly) The
End!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For this season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, what do you all think?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Mostly
silence, and soft snores from those who had fallen back into a doze)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: It… may need to be workshopped a bit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: A lot.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Children, we start filming in a few weeks; I told you there’s no room in my
tightly plotted scripts for major revisions!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: Then I’ve only got one thing left to say: brace yourself for the backlash.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">ONE
YEAR LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(In
the same conference room with almost all the same people as last time; nearly
everyone looks dour)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Hiiiiiii, everyone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope you all had a
great hiatus!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(There is a chorus of
“Hmmmmm”s) So!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The reviews are in and by
now you’ve all heard the, how shall I put this, not-so-great –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Abysmal.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
– could-have-been-better response, which of course is no reflection on the hard
work of every single person in this room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You should all be proud of yourselves, yaaaay!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Claps alone)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
6: Can I just say that this was the easiest paycheck I ever earned?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the best time, and the fans even wanted
me back!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
5: I envy you so much, you have no idea.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (To Showrunner) Regarding the elephant in the room: I noticed this time we
neither got scripts during hiatus <u>or</u> on our way in here.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: (Holds a hand up to one side as if whispering a secret that everyone can
hear) Spoiler alert: there aren’t any.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
There are too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wrote a beautiful and
moving Season 5 that will make the world weep!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(They all stare at Showrunner) But, I got word from the studio this
morning that the show’s been cancelled so, yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No Season 5, unfortunately, children.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: Yeah, we pretty much all figured that was the only logical outcome for this
situation.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Good thing <u>I</u> recently was cast as the lead in an exciting new
adventure series that critics already are comparing to this show, “when it was <u>good</u>,”
so I guess you would’ve had to kill off my character this season anyway.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: (To Lead 4) Aw, you got the role?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Congratulations!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: Thanks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re still looking to cast
a few more regulars if you’re interested, and can take time during the other five
shows you’re on now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: Send me the info – I grab <u>all</u> the shows I can get!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (To Lead 2) They never stop, do they?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s like a compulsion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: I physically cannot care any less than I do at this very moment.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Some good news, though: we got nominated again for lots of awards, including –
you guessed it – Best Actor, yay!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: I’m frankly amazed myself.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
2: So am I. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Lead 1 glares at the other)
What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Admit it: this year we both
checked out before principal photography even began.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
1: (Looks away shiftily) I thought that was an unspoken understanding for all
of us….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
3: Um, not those of us who actually take our craft <u>seriously</u>!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unworthy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Lead
4: (To Showrunner) So: any reason this is a meeting and not an e-mail?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Showrunner:
Glad you asked!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may not be able to
film Season 5 per se, <u>but</u> there’s no reason why the storylines and most
of the dialogue can’t be salvaged and plugged into an amazing <u>new</u> series
that I want everyone here to be a part of – (Everyone else in the room stands
up and leaves) Rude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eh, who needs
them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can always post it in fan
fiction.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-69233103345626552932024-01-25T19:30:00.000-05:002024-01-25T19:30:05.101-05:00Story 526: Laziness Life Goal<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(In
a high school administration office, Guidance Counselor and Student sit on
opposite sides of a desk)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: So, it’s that time of life where we basically go over what you want
to be when you grow up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see in your
transcripts that you excel academically and have been taking every college prep
course available; you’ve been doing well in sports, mainly track and field; you
belong to several clubs that work with the community; you play several
instruments in all the bands here and step in with chorus if needed; you’ve
been Class Treasurer, Secretary, and Vice President these past three years with
election to President extremely likely next year; you work <u>two</u> part-time
jobs most nights and weekends and three during the summer; <u>and</u> you
volunteer with both the local humane society and the county paramedics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My only question for you is this: where
exactly would you like to focus all this energy into, as a career?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student:
(Leaning back in the chair) Career?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: Yes – your interests seem to be a bit all over the place, so tell
me: what is your ultimate goal in life?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student:
(Leans back farther in the chair to stretch) Whelp, my true ambition can be
boiled down to one word: laziness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: I beg your pardon?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student:
No need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Sits up straight) Listen, I do
all this – (Waves hand in the general direction of Guidance Counselor’s papers
and computer) stuff on a surface-level basis; my heart’s not really in any of
these things, you know.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: Clearly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student:
So, I’m doing all these activities 24/7 <u>now</u>, while I’m mentally and
physically able, to get to the point where I’m super-successful and then don’t
have to do anything ever again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: Well, that’s called “retirement,” which should’ve been about 50
years from now for you but more likely will be 60-to-70 at the rate things are
going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mine got pushed back at least
another 15 years, so I completely empathize with subsequent generations.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student:
…Yeah, I’m not waiting that long.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: Understandable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, what
field do you plan to be super-successful in, hm?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student:
All of them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: Ambitious, but let’s narrow it down to one or two.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student:
I’m serious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I plan to succeed in math,
science, literature, history, civics, religion, technology, sports, art, music,
espionage, agriculture, dubiously-ethical archaeology, monarchy, and space
exploration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Guidance Counselor stares
at Student) That list isn’t comprehensive, though – it grows every few months.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: Barring the… physical impossibility of one person being able to do
all of that, you’re telling me that you plan to not only accomplish but succeed
in all these things solely to reach your end goal of… doing nothing?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student:
Exactly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: Why not save yourself the trouble and just do nothing now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student:
(Sighs tragically) Societal expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I reach the moment in my life where I can do nothing with no
repercussions, I want everyone in the world to feel that it is well-deserved
and not that I’m a leech on society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh,
the pressures of communal judgement on such a young, extraordinary mind as
mine!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Grabs head in despair)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guidance
Counselor: (Writes notes) I’m going to recommend that you apply to universities
with programs in political science and legal studies - they’ll appreciate your strong
work ethic and sense of drama.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Student
(Look back up at Guidance Counselor) OK, sounds good. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">TWENTY
YEARS LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Student-Now-Success
stands on a balcony overlooking luscious gardens and many buildings, pools, and
sports fields on a private estate, and smiles in contentment)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Success:
I did it: today’s the day, at long last.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Turns back inside to a sumptuous parlor, sits down on a massive couch
facing a gargantuan table, opens a tiny laptop, and navigates to a site to
address The World) Good people of Earth: today I am announcing my official
retirement from all public activities, that have been and always will be in
service of this glorious planet.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">People
of Earth: (Through the computer’s speakers) Awwwwwwww….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Success:
(Briefly holds up a placating hand) I know, I know; this may seem sudden and
quite early in my presumably long life, but please, don’t cry for your loss of
me – the work will always continue, and there will always be hardworking
volunteers to succeed me in our glorious opportunities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not weep, do not mourn – I only ask that
you remember me fondly, and don’t try to initiate contact: after I end this
transmission, I’m never answering another message again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Ends the transmission to the sounds of
worldwide wailing, shuts down the laptop, leans back on the couch, and closes
eyes in bliss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Several seconds later,
eyes reopen suddenly) Now what?</p><p></p>Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-61012344765795090372024-01-17T19:19:00.002-05:002024-01-17T19:19:40.874-05:00Story 525: Be Careful When You Wish for Snow<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(In
a townhouse, Resident sits in an armchair staring out the living room window at
the bright sunny day and sighs from the bottom of the lungs to the top of the
mouth)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
<Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh> I wish we’d have some actual snow this winter.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(A
mythologically tiny person pops into view in the middle of the room)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: Your wish is my command!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Resident: (Leaps out of the chair) Ah!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Demon! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Grabs a nearby magazine and flings it at
Weather Elf, who side-steps out of the way)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: Hey!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I suppose my appearance
was a bit abrupt – would you prefer if I popped outside and knocked on the
front door instead?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Brandishes a coaster to throw next) What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: Suit yourself; I’ll just pop over here and relax, then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pops onto the couch and settles in) Got any
tea?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
Wha – I – who – you invaded my home, and now you want tea?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of burglar are you?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: None, luckily for you, or else this would’ve taken a real nasty turn by
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m a Weather Elf, and you summoned
me here – unintentionally, it’s becoming increasingly apparent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Resident stares unblinkingly, coaster still
raised in the air) Have a seat; we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And would you please put that thing
down?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m clearly not someone who’d be
affected by mortal weapons, so you’re only embarrassing yourself.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Abashedly sets the coaster back onto a lamp table and sits in the armchair
again) All right, then – what do you want?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: Nothing from you: as I said upon my sudden entrance, “Your wish is my
command.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Does a slight bow while
seated, for emphasis) I appropriated that line from the genies, but they’re in
the process of obtaining self-emancipation and ultimate retribution so I don’t
think they’ll mind too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or notice.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Thinking back) Wait, so you heard me wish for snow, and now you’re taking it
upon yourself to make it happen?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: Pretty much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Nods head at the
window) Take a look.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Turns to the window and jumps out of the chair again upon seeing that the
sunny day is now darkly gray and there are several inches of snow on the
ground, with more continuously falling) Whoa!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When did that happen?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: As soon as I got here, and all the while we’ve been… chatting.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Still staring out the window in awe, and now softly smiling at the beauty of
the winter wonderland) Wow….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: I know, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Inspects
fingernails smugly) Blizzards are my specialty.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Snaps out of trance and whips around to face Weather Elf) “Blizzard”?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No-no-no, I just wanted a little snow!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: (Lowers hand back down and softly sighs in irritation) Not a mind reader,
you know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This area hasn’t had much snow
for years, and you clearly stated “actual snow”, which means you wanted a <u>lot</u>
of it to make up for lost accumulation.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
Well, yeah, but not a blizzard!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just one
or two inches to cover the grass and trees so they look like a picture
postcard!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Turns back to the window,
places both hands on the glass, and leans in to get a better look) Is it a foot
already?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: You betcha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I figured 18 inches
oughta do it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Turns back to Weather Elf) “18 <u>inches</u>”????!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: Uh-huh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Haven’t seen that around
here in almost 30 years, am-I-right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Should take you straight back to the glory days of your self-absorbed
childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(The two stare at each other
for a bit) Wanna go sledding?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This much snow only means the
roads’ll be impassable and people’ll probably lose power, and heat!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Sinks into the chair and covers face with
both hands) Oh no, what’ve I done?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There was so much damage from the flooding and the winds from the random
rainstorms last week, and now this!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: (Gets off the couch to walk over to Resident and pat the latter on the
shoulder) There, there – no one’s going to lose power in this one, or get any
damage, and the roads’ll stay clear so the only accumulation’ll be on the grass
and the trees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The stuff’ll even
miraculously stay off the power lines and any other equipment you mortals need
to run your daily lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Looks up at Weather Elf and sniffs) Even my car?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: (Glares at Resident) Yes, even <u>all</u> the cars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’ll be an inexplicable phenomenon that all
the science nerds will spend the next century trying to figure out – but they
never will, tee-hee-hee!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Resident
stares blankly at Weather Elf) C’mon, I gotta have some sprinkling of mischief
in this.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
Why?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: It’s a compulsion – can’t be helped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, can you finally just enjoy this weather event that you longed for,
hm?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Looks back out the window and is momentarily hypnotized by the steady snowfall
and a passing rabbit hopping by in the calm scene) Yes, I think I can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Turns back to Weather Elf) Thank you, I
really appreciate it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: Good, since your eternal soul is now MINE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Resident’s eyes widen in horror) Had you there for a second.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love pulling that one: freaks you mortals
out every time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
No kidding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But seriously, do I owe you
some kind of payment now, like seven years of servitude or something like that?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: No, why would you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You didn’t ask
me specifically to do this and we didn’t sign any agreements beforehand, so why
would you owe me anything?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
I dunno, I guess because nothing’s ever free, and “Be careful what you wish for,”
and these things always come with strings attached and, you know, everything.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: Well – smart, but not applicable in this case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really did grant your wish out of the
goodness of my heart.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
Aw.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: And I was extremely bored.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
Ah.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: So – we good here?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
Sounds like it, yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thanks again; this
was… nice.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: You’re welcome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enjoy the magic of
the season you so desperately crave, while it lasts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pops out of view)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Resident:
(Turns back to the window, smiling broadly while watching the snow accumulate
another six inches on the grass while avoiding the roads and electrical
equipment, then furrows brows in thought) Hmmmmm… I wonder if I can call out
for a snow day even though I work from home…?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Weather
Elf: (Voice) Don’t push it.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-57425491080929047682024-01-11T19:12:00.000-05:002024-01-11T19:12:48.750-05:00Story 524: Puzzle Revenge<span> <span> </span></span><span> </span>(In
an office conference room, Employee 1 concludes a slide presentation)
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: And so, if we follow this plan exactly as-is with absolutely no margin for
error, by next quarter we will have transformed seamlessly from a
trillion-dollar company into a quadrillion-dollar company!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then, it’s only a matter of time until we
hit the quintillion-dollar category, but why dream small?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Closes down the presenting screen and bows
slightly) I thank you for your time and attention.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Manager
and five of the attendees stare in shock for several moments, then
simultaneously stand and burst into applause with a few approving whistles
thrown in for good measure)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager:
(Still clapping, with tears streaming) That was the most beautiful thing I’ve
ever witnessed in my entire life!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: (Ducks head bashfully) Aw shucks; thank you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager:
(Approaches Employee 1 to pat the latter on the shoulder) I can see now that
you’re really going places, kid – keep up the good work!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: Thanks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sure will!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Starts cleaning up notes as Manager and the
five attendees leave the conference room)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Attendee
1: (Voice in the hall) We’re gonna be rich!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Attendee
2: (Voice in the hall) – er!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Attendee
1: (Cackles) Rich – er!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(The
multiple cackling fades away as Employee 1 smiles to self, then suddenly looks
up as a slow clap begins at the far end of the conference table)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: (To the sound of each clap) Well – well – well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Stops the clap to sit up straighter) Look
who’s made it to –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: (Had started speaking at the same time) Oh, you’re still here?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: What?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: Sorry; go ahead.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2. Well, now my timing’s all thrown off and I forgot what I was going to lead
with.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: You started at “Well – well – well”; does that help?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: Ah!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, thank you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Leans back in the chair, steeples fingers,
smirks smugly, and clears throat) Well – well – well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look who’s made it to the big time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: Oh, yes indeed – I thought the presentation went well, don’t you?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: (Drops the hands and the smirk) That entire presentation was MINE!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Oh right, it was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Great job; it really conveyed the information clearly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: Why, thank you – thief!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: Huh?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: <u>I</u> created that presentation, not you!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: We established that, yes?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: So you copied the files from the shared drive and just now passed off all my
hard work as your own!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: Yes?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: …So that’s stealing and wrong!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: (Thinks for a few more seconds, shrugs, finishes collecting the papers and
the laptop, and begins to leave) If you say so.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: (Leaps out of the chair to dart into Employee 1’s path) <u>Anyone</u> would
say so!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I can’t prove it to your
new fan club out there, but don’t worry – (Voice drops to a deadly whisper) I
will have my revenge.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: Sounds great; see you at the team-building event this afternoon, yeah?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Walks around Employee 2 and exits the
conference room, whistling)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: (Turns to stare with narrowed eyes at the retreating figure) What a diabolical
ditz…. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">THE
NEXT MORNING <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Employee
1 is at home eating breakfast and hears a thud at the front door; opening it, a
courier is seen running down the driveway to the parked truck and then driving
off)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee1:
(Shakes head) Just like “The Elves and the Shoemaker”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Looks down and sees a package that had been
tossed against the front door, then brings it inside, opens it at the kitchen
table, takes out a card that reads “To My Mortal Frenemy – May This Bring Many
Hours of Non-Enjoyment, BWAHAHAHAHA <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(imagine a supervillain’s evil laughter with
that last bit)</i></b>!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Signed,
You-Better-Know-Who”, and lays down the card to think) I wonder who that could
be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Shrugs, then takes out another box
from inside the package and sees that it is a small puzzle with 13 pieces; reads
the photo-less cover) “Millions of possibilities – can you wrestle out the
right one?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, yes, this clearly is
meant to be completed by an infant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Opens the box and quickly flips over the pieces) Aw, it’s a bunch of frolicking
butterflies – easy-peasy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Within five
minutes, assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11
pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait – <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">ONE
WEEK LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Employee
2 cheerfully raps on Employee 1’s front door; after several minutes of repeated
rapping, Employee 1 opens the door appearing extremely haggard and wearing the
same outfit as in the previous week)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: (Voice creaky from disuse) Hello?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: (Barely containing glee) Since you clearly haven’t checked your messages, I
volunteered to come and tell you that you’ve been fired for violating the
company’s job abandonment policy – <u>however</u>, upper management loved “your”
presentation so much they’re willing to take you back if you agree to make that
project your sole priority in life for the next five years, minimum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also graciously volunteered to assist you
with all that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Employee 1 stares
blankly at Employee 2, who chokes down a laugh) On a related note, I assume you
got my… present?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: (Finally stirs) Oh, that was from you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yes, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to get these blasted butterflies
to fit together – every time I think I’ve got the thing solved, a head suddenly
doesn’t match a thorax, or a wing’s slightly off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: Dear me, that does sound like a pickle.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: Would you like to check it out?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don’t mine someone else taking all the glory at this point.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: (Mutters) That’d be a first.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: What was that?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: I would be delighted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(They both
enter the kitchen and sit at opposite sides of the table; Employee 1 takes
apart the puzzle and within five minutes Employee 2 assembles 11 pieces) Oh,
wait, these two don’t match.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Takes
apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait – <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">TWELVE
HOURS LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: Oh, wait – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: (Awakens from a doze) You know, I just now understand the message you sent,
that this – (Gestures at the puzzle) is meant to drive me bonkers as a sort of revenge
for stealing your work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Nods
thoughtfully) Most effective, I must say.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: (Blearily looks up at Employee 1) Yes: it seems in my quest for vengeance, I
have become a monster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t see that
coming.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
1: Hm.... Have another go?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee
2: (Takes apart the puzzle) Of course.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-928559318233024642024-01-04T19:30:00.000-05:002024-01-04T19:30:28.267-05:00Story 523: Moving Shortcut<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(In
a ground floor apartment)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
(Stretched out on the living room couch with a laptop and speaking on a cell
phone) I know you would like the project done by this afternoon, but I’m about
to disillusion you of your unfeasible dream…. Not possible – earliest will be
next Tuesday, and that’s being unreasonably optimistic…. (Picks up a drink that
was sitting on the floor next to the couch, slurps through the straw, shakes
head, and sets the drink back down) This isn’t me being difficult; this is
reality asserting its dominance over your fantasy of an automated human
workforce…. And I’m sure you can be replaced by A.I. as well, but – (A
resounding CRASH! is heard outside the living room window; Tenant jumps in the
seat and nearly drops the phone and the laptop) Holy all-the-curse-words-I
can-think-of!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Sets aside the laptop to
get off the couch) ….I have no idea!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll
have to call you back…. When I have time!... `K boss; bye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Ends the call and tosses the phone onto the
couch, then peers through the window to see a giant, broken wardrobe sitting on
the common lawn in front of that section of apartments) What in the world –
?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(A dining room table CRASH!es next to
the wardrobe and splinters apart) A crime!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m actually witnessing a crime in progress!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Several movers approach from the parking lot
and start breaking apart the furniture and hauling away the pieces; Tenant
opens the window and sticks head out) Hey!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Did a moving truck get sucked up into a tornado and explode overhead?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
1: (Pauses the disassembly) Sorry?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
What on Earth is going on here?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
1: Oh, your upstairs neighbor moved away so we’re just cleaning out the place.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
By cannon?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
1: Huh?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
You can’t just fling furniture out the window to get rid of it!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
1: Why not?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
(Sputters) Be-be-because it’s dangerous!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
1: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
2: (Above them on the upstairs neighbor’s balcony) Heads-up!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
1: (Looks up briefly, then back down to Tenant) Excuse me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Steps aside along with the other movers as a
refrigerator crashes nearby) See?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
Argh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Slams the window shut, runs
outside to where the movers are, and looks up to Mover 2 on the balcony above,
who is about to toss a piano overboard) HEY!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
2: Oh hey, what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
You can’t be <u>throwing</u> furniture off the balcony, you could hurt
somebody!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
2: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To
the movers below) Heads-up!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(They step
aside as Mover 2 hauls up the piano)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
(Holds up arms) Whoa-whoa-wait-stop!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
2: (Rests the piano on the balcony railing)Yeah, sure, what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
No more throwing enormous objects to the ground!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Use the stairs to bring down stuff like a
decent human being!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
2: Yeah, we thought of that, but this way’s faster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Tips the piano over the railing and it
CRASH!es to the ground to the tune of all the notes)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
(Cringes with arms flung overhead during the crash) What is wrong with you?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
2: (Stretches arms and back) I think I’m all good, but thanks for asking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Goes back inside the apartment)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
(Nearly hopping with rage) Ooooooohhhhh!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
1: (As the others cart away the broken furniture) That was it for us today –
we’ll toss the bed and entertainment system tomorrow.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
No-no-no!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more tossing!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You could’ve hurt one of my neighbors!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or me!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
1: Nobody’s been around here for the last half hour, and you were indoors until
now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
Not the point!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone could’ve walked
by and been hit by furniture debris – you can’t account for everything!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Sees the others getting into a truck parked
next to the dumpster) And you can’t just leave all that garbage piled next to
the dumpster!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
1: Why not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s garbage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Leaves as Mover 2 walks by carrying a
laundry rack)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Mover
2: (To hyperventilating Tenant) See you tomorrow, yeah?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Tosses the rack onto the furniture pile and
climbs into the truck)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
(Quivering in helpless fury as the truck drives away) …I’M TELLING! <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">THE
NEXT DAY <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Tenant
is working on the laptop again, but instead of being spread out on the couch is
seated in a chair keeping watch with binoculars at the living room window when
the cell phone rings)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
(Turns away from the window to answer the call) WHAT?!... No, I haven’t started
working on that yet, it’s been raining furniture around here lately and I’m on
guard for when the next storm shows up!... Well, not much seems to make sense
to you, does it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(There is a knock at
the door) …Great, they probably came back and you made me miss them in action,
thanks a lot!... (Stands and walks to the door) …Yes, I know my annual employee
evaluation is due this week; I fail to understand its relevance to this
conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Speaking of which – (Ends
the call, throws the phone onto the couch, and flings opens the door) YES?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Owner:
Hi – I own the unit above yours and got a call from the association that you
submitted a complaint about furniture being dropped outside your window?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
YES?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Owner:
Well, I’d like to apologize on their behalf – I’m taking care of the mess and
it won’t happen again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard you were
very, very, <u>very</u> upset, and I wanted to smooth everything over so we
stay on good terms.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Tenant:
(Blinks several times) No worries – lucky for you, I’m a very easygoing person.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-23561185671279712502023-12-28T19:33:00.000-05:002023-12-28T19:39:05.906-05:00Story 522: Confess All for the New Year<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(In
a church’s closed confessional booth, Priest and Parishioner 1 are kneeling on
opposite sides of a screen)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
– say five Our Fathers and two Hail Marys, and do one charitable work.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Parishioner
1: (Crosses self) Oh good; thank you, Father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Starts to stand)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Holds up a finger) Ah: one charitable work you haven’t already done this past
Advent, or were planning in advance for Lent.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Parishioner
1: Shucks – I mean, understood.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Lowers hand and nods) Off you go, then.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Parishioner
1: (Stands again) Thanks again, Father – see you at Mass in a bit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
See you in a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Parishioner 1 leaves
the booth, closing the door on the way out; Priest takes out a cell phone,
checks a display, and shakes head) <Tsk> 50-to-0; bless their
hearts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Puts the phone away, then
frowns slightly on hearing the sound of raised voices outside the booth; the
door suddenly flies open and Priest sees Penitent standing there with several
angry parishioners standing some distance behind)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Excuse me, Father, but can I give confession and get absolution and everything
even though I’m not a parishioner here?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
…Are you Catholic?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Thinks for half a second) Yeah.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Gestures for Penitent to come into the booth) Then I’ll hear your confession
and grant absolution.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Great!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Closes the door on the grumbling
crowd and kneels) Figured “New Year, New Me” and all that, right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Hm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Makes the sign of the cross for
Penitent) In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Crosses self) Oh yeah, I remember this part: bless me, Father, for I have
sinned; it’s been more than 30 years since my first confession – (Pulls out a
sheaf of paper from an inner jacket pocket) so I’ve got quite a list – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Hold on: you don’t need to confess <u>every</u> sin you’ve committed in the
past 30 years.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
I don’t?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
There’s a line of people waiting after you and about – (Briefly checks a
wristwatch) 20 minutes before I have to prepare for Mass, so just… consolidate
by topic.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Nods) Got it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Starts skimming through
the papers) OK, here’s a recurring theme: (Looks back up at Priest) I lie, a
lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I mean, a <u>lot</u>: I almost
wanted to lie to you just now and say I only do it occasionally, it’s that bad.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Nods) Mm-hm.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Grabs onto the holes in the screen) It’s a real compulsion, and it’s ruining
my life – you gotta help me, Father, how do I stop myself?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
This is only confession, my child; if you need spiritual guidance, please call
the main office to make an appointment and I’ll be happy to speak with you all
about it another time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Lets go of the screen) Never mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Flips through the papers) OK… (Looks back up at Priest) I cheated on my
taxes and other stuff I owed for decades and told people I was making a stand
against big government, but deep down I was just being cheap.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Nods) Uh-huh – not to judge, but I have to warn you that that may catch up
with you one day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Legally speaking.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Whaddya mean?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
I mean, you may get audited and have to pay fines and back taxes, and maybe
even serve time in prison.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Oh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That reminds me – (Flips through a
few more sheets, runs a finger down the page, stops at a paragraph and looks
back up at Priest) burglary.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
You’ve committed it?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Yeah.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Have you made restitution?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Huh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, well, not directly; I served
seven years in the state pen for it, does that count?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Sighs quietly) It will have to in this case.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
That brings me to another thing: while I was inside the priest there kept
wanting to hear my confession for it, but my whole defense was based on me
saying I <u>didn’t</u> do it, which clearly didn’t work, but if I then
confessed saying I <u>did</u> do it then it’d’ve felt like the whole thing was
pointless, but now I’m wondering if <u>not</u> confessing was really just
doubling down on the sin?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Thinks for a few moments) Well, you’re confessing it now, so we’ll leave it at
that, then.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Awesome!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>`Cause I might have to do it
again, so if I get caught again I wanted to make sure I should just confess all
from the get-go.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
My child, instead please resolve <u>not</u> to break the law for your own gain
going forward.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Oh, it’s not for me: a buddy of mine <u>really</u> wants to get back at this
other dude for –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Holds up both hands) <u>Please</u> don’t tell me any more details of your life
of crime!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Nods knowingly) Plausible deniability – I get it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Lowers hands and shakes head) No: everything you say here is confidential
under the seal of confession, but I don’t want – I don’t <u>need</u> to be told
every single detail to grant you absolution, understood?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And please stop committing felonies and
misdemeanors.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
I dunno, Father, how’m I supposed to do that?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
It’s amazingly easy <u>not</u> to do something – it requires literally <u>no</u>
effort on your part.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Nods while thinking) You know, you might have something there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Flips through more pages as Priest wearily
shakes head) Here’s a recent one that’s a real pickle: some frenemy asked me to
adopt a cat from the local shelter, but I don’t have supplies and I didn’t
really want to take all that on, so I didn’t.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
That’s… not a sin.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why not?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
You admittedly wouldn’t have been able to take care of the cat, so instead the creature
will go to a loving home with people who actually “want to take all that on”.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Scoffs) I doubt it – I was told this cat’s pretty much unadoptable and I was
asked as a last resort, so I don’t think that fur baby’s going anywhere good,
if you know what I mean.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Rubs temples and quietly recites) “Jesus loves me, this I know – ”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Leans closer to the screen) What’s that, Father?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Drops hands and looks back at Penitent) Listen, I think you’ve confessed
enough for one day – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Holds up the sheaf) But Father, I’m just getting started!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
We’re running out of time, and as I’ve mentioned there are others waiting after
you, so let’s wrap this up with the basics: have you committed acts of
gluttony?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Tilts head to think) Sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really
just on Thanksgiving, but don’t we all?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Grinds teeth) Envy?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Eh.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Wrath?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Eyes flare) Yeah!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Lust?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Eyes leer) Oh, yeah!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Pride?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Smiles smugly) I can say, with all humility, no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Priest stares at Penitent, who looks down
and mumbles) Maybe a little.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Sloth?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Looks back up) Hey, so what if I like to sleep in every now and then?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Science backs me up: it’s medically
necessary!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Greed?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Is it greedy to take more than my share because other people in my opinion have
too much?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Yes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Then yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I really think I should
get more time to cover the decades I skipped –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re done here taking up <u>everyone’s</u>
time, including mine!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Quickly makes the
sign of the cross for Penitent, who automatically crosses self in response) I
absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of
the Holy Spirit – great, now I’m doing this all backwards, I forgot to give you
your penance first!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Oh that’s all right, Father, I won’t tell anyone if you skip that part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Winks broadly)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
Nothing doing!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your penance is to say 50
Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys, and do 30 charitable works, including finding
that poor cat a forever home if it’s not too late!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Stands suddenly) Whoa, Father, that’s all a bit harsh, don’t you think?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
On the contrary, I don’t think it’s harsh enough!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just be thankful I didn’t thrown in reciting
50 rosaries on top of it!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
(Shoves papers back into the jacket pocket and sighs heavily) Fine, I’ll do
what you say, long as it means I’m now all clear to go and sin some more.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
It’s “go and sin <u>no</u> more”!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well that’s just an unreasonable
expectation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Opens the door, sees the
angry crowd, and turns back around) Ooh, I forgot to add: I cut the line so I
could go next; is that a sin, too?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Glares at Penitent) Yes, but since you finished confessing and I already
granted absolution, you’ll have to save that one for next time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Penitent:
“Next time”?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You mean I have to keep
coming back?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of racket is
this??!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Meanwhile, Parishioner 2 has
gone around Penitent to enter the booth and slams the door shut; Penitent’s
voice is now muffled) I’m suing the Vatican!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Parishioner
2: (Smiles at Priest, kneels, and crosses self as Priest makes the sign of the
cross) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned – it’s been one week since my last
confession, and my first sin is the many, many uncharitable thoughts I’ve had
towards that fellow penitent who left just now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priest:
(Sighs) That will be my sin to confess as well, my child.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-85183640554989433972023-12-21T19:45:00.000-05:002023-12-21T19:45:04.014-05:00Story 521: Freeloading Christmas Party Guest<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(In
a house full of Christmas trees, blinking lights, Nativity scenes, and
snowpeople of all shapes and sizes, party guests eat, drink, and merrily finish
preparing the main meal and all its side dishes)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guest
1: (To Host) I know I’m stuffing my mouth with five different types of cheese
right now, but I do mean it when I ask “Do you need any help?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Host:
(Pulling three trays out of the oven while stirring a pot of sauce with an
elbow) Nah, I got it – but if you could light the burners under the racks for
these pans, that’d be a big help!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guest
1: (Stares at Host tossing the trays onto the racks and then whip up a salad
out of thin air) …Sure, I think I can manage that.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(In
the living room, guests stand, sit, and play according to age level when the
front door suddenly bursts open)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Freeloader:
Hey-hey, everybody, I made it!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guests:
Heyyyyy….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guest
2: (Takes Freeloader’s coat and pointedly stares at the latter’s empty hands)
Soooooo, anything that needs to be put in the fridge or out on the table?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Freeloader:
Nope, just me, eh-heh-heh-heh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need a
drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Grabs an iced tea from a cooler,
piles up a plate of appetizers, and sprawls across the couch, bumping a few
guests aside) Coming in for a landing, folks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Guests move to the other side of the couch; Freeloader finishes the
plate, tosses it and the iced tea onto the coffee table, and takes a nap)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Host:
(Enters the living room with arms full of cups and cutlery) Dinner’s ready!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Freeloader:
(Immediately wakes up and zooms to the dining room) Dibs on everything!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Host:
(Sways in Freeloader’s wake) I didn’t even know you were here yet….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(After
dinner, as many guests as possible pile into the kitchen and shuttle back and
forth from there to the dining room to pack up whichever food is left, wash
dishes, pots, and pans, and make room for dessert)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Host:
(Carrying a tower of leftover containers; to guests) Oh really, this is such a
big help – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guests
1-20: Not at all!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(In
the living room, Freeloader dozes in preparation for the after-dinner nap as
several children rambunctiously play)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Freeloader:
(Chuckles) I love how rowdy children are always someone else’s problem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Child
1: (To Freeloader) I was told that when I reach double-digits, I have to take
my place in the dish-drying line.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Freeloader:
(Eyes close) Good for you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Children
2-8: As must we all.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Freeloader:
(Eyes open wide; Children 1-8 are standing in a row facing Freeloader, who then
jumps while seated and looks up at the ceiling) Whoa, was that Santa’s sleigh
landing on the roof just now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Children
1-8: SANTA, YIPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(They
all run to their respective parents and beg to go outside)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Freeloader:
(Leans back on the couch) Almost too easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Turns head against the cushion to gaze fondly at the gently lit tree,
then notices a tabletop Nativity scene nearby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Squinting, Freeloader sees Baby Jesus in the manger, staring soulfully
and gently accusingly back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The two stare
at each other as sweat beads on Freeloader’s forehead, until the latter can
take the silent judgement no longer, jumps off the couch, and runs to the
kitchen) Wait!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Save me a pot to scrub –
a potato to wrap up – anything!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Guest
2 and Guest 3 emerge from the corner they were watching from the whole time and
follow)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guest
3: That was a good idea, but I thought Baby Jesus isn’t supposed to be in there
until Christmas Day?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Guest
2: What can I tell you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He works in
mysterious ways.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-39622119367456961292023-12-14T19:26:00.000-05:002023-12-14T19:26:12.812-05:00Story 520: Obligatory Card Season<p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(Friend
1 and Friend 2 are seated at the kitchen table in Friend 1’s apartment; Friend
2 sips tea while Friend 1 works through a huge pile of mail)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Ripping open envelopes, glancing briefly at the contents, and tossing them
onto the table) – so then <u>I</u> said, “I get that you’re a manager with no actual
break times and the expectation that you’re on-call 24/7, but I refuse to
accept your being salaried as my problem when you want to stop for a snack at
the exact same time <u>I’m</u> scheduled for dinner break, I don’t care if you
only need five minutes.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Chokes on the tea) You didn’t actually <u>say</u> that, did you?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: No, but I was sorely tempted to – I was hangry and it was getting to
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Opens a square red envelope, takes
out and opens a greeting card, and widens eyes in horror) Uh-oh.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: What, an eviction notice?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why would you even think that?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Slightly picks up one of the tossed-aside letters) Not to be an overly nosy
friend, but half of these are bills.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: And will be dealt with, all in good time!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Past due.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: <u>My</u> time, not theirs!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Holds up
the card) It’s a Christmas card from one of my cousins!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Aw, how nice.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: No it isn’t, because I completely forgot to send out mine!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Rustles through the remainder of the mail
pile and pulls out a bunch of red, green, and white decorative square
envelopes) Look at all these!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re all
coming in now, and I have yet to send out a single one!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the month already almost half over!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Tosses the cards back onto the table)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Yeah.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: …I missed Hanukkah, didn’t I.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: I wasn’t going to bring it up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Son of a – !<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy Hanukkah, by the
way; I hope you had a nice one.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Thank you; the family says they hope you have a Merry Christmas.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Grabs an envelope and holds it up) Your folks sent me a card, too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Also tosses it back onto the table, then
grabs another one and holds it up) And here’s yours!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Tosses that back onto the table as well, and
rubs face) Is it too late to send out Hanukkah cards for this year, or would
that only double-underline my faux pas?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Don’t worry, if you send them out now I promise we won’t return them to
sender.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Thanks, you’re a very understanding pal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Runs hands through the multicolored pile of joyful wishes) Maybe I
should just skip this year completely and they’ll all thank me for having to
send out one less card going forward, since I’ll be crossed off the ever-growing
list.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Maybe they would secretly, but at family functions your name would forever
be mud.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: You got that right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Sinks head onto
the table)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Finishes the tea and brings the cup to the sink to wash it) Whelp, I would
offer to help in the spirit of the season, but I really don’t feel like
spending the rest of my Sunday being your correspondence secretary so I’m going
to play the guilt card you handed me earlier and leave you to tackle this on
your own.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Sits up again) Fair enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As your
revel in your freedom this afternoon, think of me and my self-imposed toil.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: I’d rather not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Leaves)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Stares at the pile of cards, which seems to have grown when no one was
looking) Why do we inflict this chore on ourselves? <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">ONE
HOUR LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Friend
1 is back at the table having gathered boxed cards, stamps, pens, an address
book, and run out to the store for more boxed cards when seeing that the
current boxes were almost empty)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Braces self) Right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let us begin
with the letter “A”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Opens the address
book to “A”, brings the book closer to stare at the page, then roughly turns
pages to skim through the names) What – why have I never noticed that a bunch
of these relatives have been dead for years?!... And why has the post office
never told me either?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Grabs a pen and
starts crossing out names) And great, the rest of these moved so now I need to
call around for new addresses – this is going to take forever! <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">TWO
HOURS LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Friend
1 is on a roll writing out cards and envelopes)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Freezes in mid-sealing of an envelope) Wait a minute – is this one still at
the same address as the parents?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Flips
back through the address book to an earlier letter in the alphabet) Yep, and I
gave them all the same card!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Unseals
the envelope and opens the card) Think anyone’ll notice correction tape? <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">TWO
HOURS LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Friend
1 sits back in the chair and shakes out writer’s-cramped hand)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s done at last.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can all be satisfied with our mutual obligation
for at least one more year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now to the
easy part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Grabs a sheet of stamps as
the cell phone rings; answers the call after looking at the ID) Hey, what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Voice) Just checking on the status of your homework.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend 1: (Stamping envelopes absent-mindedly) You’re hilarious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I have finally reached the end of the
address book for all 732 of my relatives, along with a few friends – you and
your family and several others are getting generic “Season’s Greetings” cards
at this point, by the way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Voice) Fine by me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t you love
this time of year?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: You know, it’s often hard to tell if you’re being sincere or sarcastic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Suddenly gasps)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Voice) Oh no, what holiday horror is it now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: I RAN OUT OF STAMPS!</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-58038235083837415552023-12-07T19:46:00.001-05:002023-12-07T19:46:02.763-05:00Story 519: I Thought We Were Starring in a Love Story? <p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 meet cute on a battlefield and mutually disarm each
other)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (Lifts up helmet’s visor to reveal a subjectively attractive face)
AHA!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So it comes to this: one last,
final combat, ending with me defeating a worthy opponent with my bare hands!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Also lifts up helmet’s visor to reveal a subjectively attractive face)
Not if I defeat you with my bare hands first, oh representative of my people’s
mortal enemies!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Ideals are rubbish!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spit on
them!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Dry spits onto the ground)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Gasps) You clearly have no soul!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What do you fight for, then?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never let emotions get
in the way of doing a good job – I’m only in this battle `cause being a
soldier’s the one thing I’m fit for in life, and I’m just following
orders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Immediately winces)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Also winces, and shakes head) Ooooh, no-no-no-no – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Yeah, the moment the words came out of my mouth, I realized – (A nearby
explosion makes them both flinch) Enough of this palaver: on to the death
match!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: YES!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(They race toward each
other and grapple in an extremely well-choreographed melee until Romantic Lead
2 lands astride Romantic Lead 1, poised to deliver a fatal blow) Yield!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Never!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Dry spits again, off to
the side)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Stop that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re ruining an
otherwise suggestive moment.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Why would you want me to yield anyway?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Shouldn’t you just be killing me outright, like any regular ol’
soldier’s supposed to do?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: I – don’t know…?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Or are you suddenly authorized to take prisoners now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Not that I’ve been told.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Soldier
1: But we are.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 abruptly notice that they are surrounded by other
soldiers wearing uniforms not matching either of theirs and all pointing
weapons at them)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2: Who the blazes are you?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Soldier
1: Opportunists needed for the plot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Take `em, fellas!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are dragged to their feet)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Soldier
2: Should we chain them together or individually?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Soldier
1: Together – it’ll ratchet up the tension.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Soldier
2: What?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Soldier
1: What?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are thrown into a dank cell, chained together at the
wrist)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (As they sit on the dirty floor, companionably back-to-back) Well, this
is an unfortunate turn of events.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Yeah – can’t hate you as much if we’ve now both got someone else to
hate even more.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (Sighs heavily) I suppose we’ll have to work together in order to get
out of here, exchanging personal histories and common interests in the process,
thereby earning each other’s trust, respect, and, dare I say it,
admiration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Turns to Romantic Lead 2
and attempts to stare soulfully at the latter)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: I guess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Raises eyebrows with
an idea) OR, we can actually get some sleep until the inevitable prisoner
exchange goes through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Shifts chain to
lie down and falls asleep immediately)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (Stares blankly at Romantic Lead 2 for several seconds) …Yeah, sounds
like a good idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Also lies down and
falls asleep immediately)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Soldier
1: (Casually passes by the cell, peeks in, and stomps off, muttering) Dang it,
they’re not even hate-flirting with each other.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(After
a botched prisoner exchange, Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are on the run
still chained to each other – they traverse fields and forests with no real
destination in mind, until the chains finally fall off after months of rust)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (As each rub their raw and possibly infected wrists) Wow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re finally free of each other.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Yes, finally free….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Glad
there’ll be no more of those awkward bathroom breaks, am-I-right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Yeah, could have done without having to figure out those logistics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, the offer I mentioned some time ago is
still open: you want to join me in my quest to overthrow <u>both</u> of our
corrupt governments and that random third-party that imprisoned us out of
nowhere?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (Thinks for a few moments, then shakes head) Nah, sounds like too much
work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d rather just go to a tavern,
get some decently cooked food for the first time in almost a year, then go home
and hope I don’t get executed for desertion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: You know, I think I like that option better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mind if I join you?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Not in the slightest – after all we’ve been through together, it’d feel
kind of weird us not being by each other’s sides anymore, day in, day out….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn’t that funny?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(They
laugh gently, then turn to face the gorgeous sunset as non-diegetic music
swells in the background)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Leans toward Romantic Lead 1 while both still stare at the inspirational
view) Not to spoil the moment, but I have to ask: has anyone ever mentioned
that you tend to be a mouth breather?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: …Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Has anyone ever mentioned
that your breath has a strange odor, and not just after certain foods, but <u>all</u>
the time?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: …Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Might be a medical
condition – I never bothered to find out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (Nods) Likewise.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Both
clamp their mouths shut while watching the Earth rotate away from its star)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(In
a tavern, Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are served dinner)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (As both dig in) On an expository note, that was darned clever of you
to have extra coins sewn under your skin before the battle on the off-chance
you were ever taken prisoner and then escaped with no income to be had for
months on end.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Why, thank you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that was
clever of you to convince our superiors that we spent this entire time spying
for our respective sides so they’d agree not to end us on our return.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Why, thank you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems we make
a good team, after all.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Definitely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(They clank their
steins in a toast and drink, then eat in awkward silence for a few moments)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (Brow furrowed in thought) You know, I’ve been thinking –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Gulps down a pepper nervously) Yes?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: We’ve been through a lot together – and I mean, a <u>lot</u> – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Nods frantically while drinking, then wipes upper lip) Uh-huh, darn
tootin’ we have, what with the battle, and the imprisonment, and being on the
run, and all the adventures we’ve had that are too many to go over now, and the
forced closeness for months, and all the things we’ve learned about each other’s
lives…. (Drinks some more)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (Distractedly spins a fork on the table) Yeah… all that tends to lead
inevitably to one thing….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Devours a celery stalk in three bites) Does it?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Mm-hmm…. (Looks up at Romantic Lead 2) That’s why, it’s so hard for me
say that, I’m… <u>not</u> in love with you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Blinks for a beat) Oh thank goodness!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: What?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: You said “not”, right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Yeah?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Well that’s perfect, because I feel exactly the same way!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Wait, so it’s not just me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You’re <u>not</u> in love with me, too?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Laughs while shaking head) No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s the strangest thing!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: I know!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, for one thing,
you <u>are</u> hot.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: As are you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: And yet, here we are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It boggles
the mind.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: I tried my best, I really did!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All the signs were pointing that way, with us going the
“enemies-to-friends” route and everything.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Exactly!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next logical step clearly
was “-to-lovers”, and I kept waiting and waiting for it to happen, but no
matter how much I forced myself, I just couldn’t get past feelings of…
camaraderie.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Clasps hands in glee) It’s like we’re on the same wavelength in
everything!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, this is wonderful!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(They
smile broadly at each other and return to eating comfortably now)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: I must say, this is certainly a relief – now we can go back home to our
families and friends emotionally unimpeded.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Ugh, yes, thankfully; I hate pining.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Something like that would’ve been extra difficult seeing as our two
peoples still are, you know, at never-ending war with each other.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: Yes, that would have been the exact definition of “star-crossed lovers”:
years of us longing for each other, possibly marrying someone else for societal
convenience, and then maybe crossing paths at some point in the distant future
for one passionate hook-up that’ll have to last us for the rest of our lives,
blech.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Shudders in disgust)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: (Grimaces in sympathy) Yeah, this way’s much less stressful and
angst-ridden.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(They
eat some more in companionable silence)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (Looks up at Romantic Lead 2 in sudden thought) We’ll still write each
other when we part ways though, right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 2: Of course!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who else out there
would put up with us?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Romantic
Lead 1: (As they clasp arms across the table and grin) Buddy!</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-78380292334947572672023-11-30T19:26:00.008-05:002023-11-30T19:27:31.455-05:00Story 518: Post-Thanksgiving Lethargy <p style="text-align: center;"> EARLY
THANKSGIVING WEEK</p><p style="text-align: left;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>Friend
2: (Answers a cell phone while working at an office desk) Hi, what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: (On a cell phone in a department store break room) So, you’ll never guess
what happened to me today!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: You’re right, I won’t, so just tell me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: Well, it turns out for once in this… lovely store, too many people got
scheduled to work on Black Friday so my manager asked me first if I wanted the
day off since I’ve worked it for decades, so I jumped on that and now I don’t
have to work that day!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: Wow, that’s great, good for you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: I know, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can scarcely believe
it – the entire day after Thanksgiving, all to myself!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even know where to begin!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: If you like, you can join my group this year as we go shopping for all the
sales.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: Heck no: you all get up at 3:00 in the morning <u>after</u> a holiday, and
I’d also rather <u>not</u> spend my free time in the same type of place I
already spend 40+ hours a week in, only now it would be 100 times worse with
the holiday rush.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d actually rather
still be working that day; at least then I’d be paid for the aggravation.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: Figured I’d offer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, any idea what
you’d like to do that day instead?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: I don’t know; relax, for starters.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: Definitely.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: Maybe clean up the place a bit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: You?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: Cute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe go for a walk if it’s not
too cold out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe go to the mountains,
maybe the beach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The possibilities are
endless!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: Well, whatever you wind up doing that day, have fun, and have a Happy
Thanksgiving – I have to go back to work now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Ends the call and clutches the cell phone in glee) This is gonna be
great!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"> DAY
AFTER THANKSGIVING</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"> 9:00
A.M. <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Friend
1 wakes up smiling, turns to an alarm clock that is not alarmed, and rolls back
with eyes closed)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: Just a few more minutes… not like I’m going anywhere…. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">10:00
A.M. <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats breakfast in pajamas, then goes back
to bed) Just a little after-breakfast nap to aid the digestion…. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">12:00
NOON <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: …Maybe another five minutes…. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">2:00
P.M. <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats lunch in pajamas, then goes back to
bed) Just a little after-lunch nap to aid the digestion... then I’ll start the
day for sure…. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">5:00
P.M. <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Friend
1’s phone rings)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: (Gropes around the bedside table in the darkening room to answer the phone)
Mmmm-what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: (On the phone while standing on a never-ending line in a department store)
Did you get out of bed at all today?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: (Sits up straighter) Of course I did.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: Besides eating.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: …Definite “out”.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: Unbelievable – I swam upstream through several seas of humanity to finish my
gift shopping for the next two years, and you’re lounging about doing
absolutely nothing but sleep!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: I’ll have you know, sleep is <u>very</u> important to one’s health and
should not be neglected, and I needed extra of it to recover from yesterday.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: Recover from what?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eating too much?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: <u>And</u> drying several dishes, along with one or two utensils, I might
add.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: Lazy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are a lazy, lazy lump!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: I resent that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the first
Black Friday I’ve had off in over 20 years, and I’ll spend it however I darn
well please!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if it’s spent in minimal-to-nil
activity.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: You’re right, I’m sorry – I shouldn’t be so judgmental, you work hard and
you deserve to enjoy your day off however you like.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: Thank you, I appreciate that.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
2: You’re welcome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, the group’s
almost finished with our last store and then heading out to dinner, so maybe we’ll
do lunch or something next weekend, OK?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Friend
1: (Leans forward) Ooh, since you’re still out shopping could you pick me up
some wrapping paper and bows and gift bags and tags and ribbons and tape?...
Hello?... (Holds out the phone and sees on the display that the call had ended;
sets the phone onto the table and lies back on the bed) Maybe another five
minutes….</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-3149450367532628752023-11-22T19:30:00.000-05:002023-11-22T19:30:01.634-05:00Story 517: You Had One Dish to Bring on Thanksgiving <p style="text-align: center;"> WEDNESDAY
BEFORE THANKSGIVING</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;"> (Relative
1 sits at a kitchen table paying bills on a laptop)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Squints while leaning closer to the screen) They’re charging me a credit
card fee <u>after</u> I’m saving them money by going paperless?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Cell phone rings; Relative 1 picks up the phone, smiles on seeing the
name on the caller ID, and answers) Hi there, Happy Early Thanksgiving, how – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (Has a cell phone propped against an ear and shoulder while pushing an
overflowing shopping cart down a supermarket aisle surrounded by frenzied
shoppers and constant panicked overhead announcements) I’ll cut right to the
chase: seven family members cancelled on me last-minute due to various viruses
and now I’m short on side dishes, so instead of salad I’m gonna need you to
bring mashed potatoes instead.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: Ohhhhh…. (Looks over at bags of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and an empty
bowl all lined up on the counter) I was just about the make that up right after
I finished depleting my bank account for the month.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: Perfect timing, then – return what you didn’t use and get me mashed
potatoes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: Um, I’m not sure you actually <u>want</u> me to make mashed potatoes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (Tossing boxes of baking soda, flour, and sugar into the cart) What’s to
make?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You go to the aisle with the refrigerated
cases, get about five or so of the premade packages, and we empty `em into a
large bowl and heat it up right before dinner!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’d get them myself but now I have to make the corn casserole, cranberry
sauce, apple pie, <u>and</u> pumpkin pie, and frankly neither I nor my budget
can face one more bit of foodstuff on top of all that no matter how trivial it
may seem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: But what about the salad?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: No one cares about the salad!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I only
asked you to bring it because it’s impossible to mess up and pretty much
everyone skips it anyway!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: Well I never – !</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (Dashing the cart up another aisle aiming for the last two pie crusts in a
refrigerated display case) Well you have now; no more time to chat; hours
behind schedule; see you tomorrow; hugs and kisses; byeeeee!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Drops the phone into the cart and dives into
the crowd surrounding the case) MINE!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Stares at the silent phone, then over at the now-useless salad stuff) So
this means I have to go to a supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Eye starts twitching)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"> STILL
WEDNESDAY – 9:00 P.M.</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;"> (Relative
1 rummages through the nearly-empty vegetable section of a refrigerated display
case in a different, slightly less-crowded supermarket)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: Ergghhh… all mashed cauliflower, no mashed potatoes.... (Grabs a box) Maybe
I can get away with roasted potatoes?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: [Voice in Relative 1’s head] I said “mashed”!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Shudders and replaces the box on the shelf, still holding the door open to
stare at the remaining products) So no mashed potatoes – do I need to buy <u>actual</u>
potatoes and mash them <u>myself</u>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Shudders harder)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Shopper
1: (Zips a shopping cart to a stop next to the door) `Scuse me, can I get in
there, please?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: Huh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Widens the door and steps aside)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Shopper
1: (Scoops boxes into the cart) You know, I couldn’t help overhearing your
external monologue – there are boxes of potato flakes in Aisle 7 that you
basically just mix and heat up to make mashed potatoes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Gasps) Really?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just like that?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Shopper
1: (Still scooping) Yep: no muss, no fuss.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Runs down the aisle) Thank you – thank you – thank you!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Shopper
1: (Moves on to another case, opens the door, and begins scooping more boxes
into the cart) Sure thing – just need milk and butter.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Skids to a stop and turns back) Eh?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Shopper
1: Oh, and salt, but you probably can get away with seasoning it later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Closes the door and speeds off in the
opposite direction) Good luck!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Starts shaking) …Ingredients?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(In
Aisle 7, Relative 1 holds up a box of potato flakes and scrutinizes the minimal
instructions)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: But what <u>type</u> of milk?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What <u>type</u>
of butter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why are there no
specifics?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Looks up to the ceiling)
Thanksgiving’s gonna be ruined because of MEEEEEE!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Shopper
2: (In mid-rush with an overflowing shopping cart; briefly pauses next to
Relative 1) Used to feel the same way: just tell everybody it’s that or
nothing, they shut up real fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Resumes sprint as Relative 1 stares after, then back at the box in a
panic) <br /></p>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
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</p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">THANKSGIVING
– BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;"> (At
Relative 2’s house, chaos reigns as multiple dishes are being prepared
simultaneously in the kitchen, adults yell at each other in order to be heard,
and children yell at each other just because)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (To Relative 3) Could you start carving the turkey while I finish up the
mushrooms?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
3: Of course!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Starts sharpening knives
with glee) I live for this.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: You worry me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Counts the full pots,
pans, and platters on or in tables, counters, stoves, ovens, broilers,
toasters, and microwaves) Hold it – we’re missing one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Thinks for a few moments, then slams a hand
down on a cutting board in realization) Mashed potatoes!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
4: (Entering the kitchen with an empty appetizer tray to clean) Yeah, is anyone
else concerned that cousin’s not here yet?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (Grabs an upright phone sitting on a charger and pounds the keys while grinding
teeth) Not – enough – sides!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
4: Just me then?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Starts on the towering pile of dishes in the
sink)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (Listens to the phone ring, then immediately speaks once the call is
answered) WHERE ARE MY MASHED POTATOES?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: Uhhhh…. (Covered in potato flakes and watching a pot on the stove slowly but
surely bubble up to overflowing) I think I might’ve misread the instructions….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: What instructions?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You bring them
here and we reheat them, HOW CAN YOU MESS UP DOING NOTHING?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Stirring the pot faster and faster) Well, the store didn’t have that kind,
so I had to get a box of dried-out potatoes instead, <u>and</u> milk, <u>and</u>
butter, and they don’t even tell you what type, by the way: 1%?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2%?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Salted?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unsalted?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And what type of salt, but I skipped that – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: YOU COULD’VE BROUGHT THE BOX HERE AND I WOULD’VE MADE THEM!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Stops stirring; the pot boils over) …You seemed busy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (Bites on a wooden spoon, then speaks deathly low) Stop whatever you’re
doing, get over here now, and bring the box with you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Tries using a lid to smother the overflowing pot) OK, I guess I can wrap it
up so it doesn’t spill all over the car – traffic’s a nightmare right now
though, so it’s probably gonna take me at least an hour – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: I SAID GET OVER HERE NOW!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Slams the
phone down onto the charger, takes a breath, and sees Relative 3 hovering in
mid-carve while staring at Relative 2) Who told you to stop?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
3: (Starts slicing again) On it!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (Enters the living room where most of the relatives are gathered, about half
of them watching the football game) All right folks, I’ve got good news and bad
news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good news is: dinner is almost
ready.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relatives:
YAY!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: Bad news is: there’ll be no mashed potatoes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relatives:
ARGGGGHHHHH…. (Relative 5 stands up to leave)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (Points to Relative 5) Sit!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
5: (Sits back on the couch, grumbling) But I only wanted to eat the mashed
potatoes….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: I know, everyone;, it’s a great loss, but we will strive to enjoy the turkey
and the 23 other sides without it, I suppose.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
4: (Leans into the living room from the growing pile in the kitchen sink) Wait
a second, is the cousin who was supposed to bring it all right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did something happen?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: Irrelevant to the meal!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Spins on
heel and returns to the kitchen, stopping short in front of the main stove) And
now the gravy’s all lumpy, gaaaaaahhhhh!!!! <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">THANKSGIVING
– DESSERT HOUR</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;"> (Relative
1 enters Relative 2’s house carefully carrying a large package while everyone
else sits at several tables of varying sizes eating pies, cakes, cookies, and
candies)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (As everyone turns to the sound of the front door closing) Hi everybody,
Happy Thanksgiving!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relatives:
(Waving) Hiiiiiiii!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy
Thanksgiving!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
4: You made it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you OK?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (As Relative 2 zooms over from the main table) Yeah, just a little mishap
with the mashed potatoes, sorry you had to miss out on those this year.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relatives:
Nah – that’s OK – it’s fine –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
5: It was <u>not</u> fine for me!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
1: (Turns to Relative 2’s glare and holds out the package) So, I ran out to the
store again today and managed to snag the last batch of freshly-baked cinnamon
buns –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Relative
2: (Snatches the package out of Relative 1’s hands) All is forgiven.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-70700508240787351002023-11-16T19:31:00.001-05:002023-11-16T19:31:04.926-05:00Story 516: Interdepartmental Brainstorming <p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(In
an office, Coworker 1 sits at a desk and taps the same computer key over and
over with no change in the result)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (To Coworker 2 sitting at the next desk over) Hey, boss?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: (Without looking away from editing a novel) Sssshhhh... trying to keep that tidbit
of knowledge on a minimum distribution basis.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I figured everyone else knew
you were CEO <u>but</u> me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: No, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible – what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Briefly glances at the computer screen and then back at Coworker 2) Would
you be able to help me with a spreadsheet?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: No.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: …“No” because you can’t or “No” because you won’t?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: Both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Turns to Coworker 1) No matter
where you are on the corporate ladder, you can only climb up it by delegating
as much of your work as possible.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: This was delegated <u>to</u> me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stinks to be you, then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Returns to copy editing)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Coworker
1’s desk phone rings)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Picks up the receiver and cradles it on one shoulder in order to continue
typing) Accounts Payable.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
3: (Voice) Thank goodness you’re at your desk – we have an escalating crisis
here, and I’m not handling it very well!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: Huh?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
4: (Voice) Yeah, we’ve got a situation going on and we’ve exhausted all our
mental resources so we figured why not ask you next.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: Thanks, I think – am I on speaker phone?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
4: (Voice) Yeah, there are about 10 of us here representing 17 departments.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworkers
5-12: (Voices) Hi.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
9: (Voice) Make that 20 departments – I just got assigned two more this
morning, ahahahahaha – !<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Dissolves into
sobs)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: Whoa, wait a minute, this sounds like a bit much, I think I should get my
manager – (Sees Coworker 2 shaking head and mouthing “No”) hold on – (Covers up
the phone’s mouthpiece and whispers to Coworker 2) Why not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You said I should delegate.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: Yeah, delegate <u>down</u> or <u>lateral</u> – never delegate <u>up</u> if
you can help it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn’t there someone
else in your department you can dump this on – I mean, assign this to?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: I think they’re all on lunch right now and I’m the only chump working.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Uncovers the phone) So, how can I help you?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
3: (Voice) Well, check requests were submitted and approved for purchase
orders, and the checks were sent out but now nobody knows where they went!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: Did you check – heh-heh, sorry – with the courier?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
4: (Voice) First thing we did: documented as delivered, but no checks in sight.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: Maybe they got mailed for deposit right after?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
5: (Voice) Already looked – no record!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: Still: might’ve gone out and someone forgot to record it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
5: (Voice) I’m the one who tracks those!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: OK… and….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
5: (Voice) I didn’t forget!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are no
checks to be had here!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Starts rubbing forehead to ward off a headache) OK, then maybe they were delivered
to the wrong department?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
12: (In the distant background) We asked everywhere!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: No one asked <u>this</u> department.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
12: (In the distant background) …Did you get any checks lately you
shouldn’t’ve?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Sighs) No.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
12: (In the distant background) <u>Now</u> we asked everywhere!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: OK, OK, <u>if</u>, by chance, they went somewhere else… outside the
building… dropped onto the sidewalk… do you want me to look up whether they
were deposited by someone else?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworkers
3-12: (Voices) YES!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Holds phone away from ear for a few seconds) All right, send me the invoice
numbers and I’ll contact the bank.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: (Voice echoes through Coworker 1’s phone earpiece and Coworker 2’s phone’s
speaker) Can you CC me on the e-mails, please?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Looks distractedly at Coworker 2) Yeah…. (Covers up the mouthpiece and
whispers again) How’d you get on this call, too?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: (Hits “Mute” on the phone) They conferenced me in – guess it’s important.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: Great, that’s just perfect – (Uncovers the mouthpiece) Once I get the
invoice numbers, I’ll get right on it and let you know when I hear back.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
6: (Voice zooms in) Could you expedite that so we know what happened ASAP?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a lot of money.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: Sure, just…. (Keeps refreshing the e-mail inbox) I need the e-mail first
before I can do anything.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
3: (Voice with sounds of rapid keystrokes underneath) I’m typing as fast as I
can!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s about 50 invoices!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: WHAT?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the checks all just
disappeared?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
3: (Voice) Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You understand now why
we’re all freaking out?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Holding head with one hand and the receiver with the other) Wait, so that
many checks would’ve been delivered in a bigger package, then – did you get any
boxes dropped off there recently?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
3: (Typing stops; sounds of rustling papers and heavier objects being dropped;
voice) No – just the stationery delivery – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworkers
4-12: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” what?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
7: (Voice) We never actually read the label on this thing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
11: (Voice in the distance) Checks always arrive in large envelopes, you know?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
4: (Voice) We ordered stationery recently and this looks just like that box
those arrive in, so uncanny – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Head is now lying on the desk; muffled into the phone) Does the label say
“Accounts Payable” on it?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
3: (Sounds of ripping packaging; voice) Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The checks are all in here,
yay!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworkers
4-12: (Voices) YAY!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Still on the desk) Yay.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: (Turns off “Mute”; voice echoes again) Great job, team, glad that’s all
resolved now, keep up the good work!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have a meeting in five so I’m signing off now, bye!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworkers
3-12: (Voices) BYE!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: (Sits up as Coworker 2 lifts the receiver to end the call on that phone; to
the others) So, do you need anything else from me?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
4: (Voice) Nope, we’re all good now, thanks!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bye.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworkers
3-12: (Voices) BYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Coworker
1 gently hangs up the phone and stares into the middle distance)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: (Smirks at Coworker 1) I’m proud of you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
1: I feel like I just ran a mini-marathon without physically moving from this
spot.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker
2: And that, is why, you delegate.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-67007274943072661432023-11-08T19:06:00.002-05:002023-11-08T19:08:48.035-05:00Story 515: Fame Without Celebrity <p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(In
a lecture hall at a convention center, a session begins that will feature the
stars of an upcoming blockbuster film)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
(Standing on a stage next to a long table with microphones and nameplates at
intervals for each chair and addressing the audience) Hello, nerds!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience:
(Applauding wildly) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
Thank you for spending your hard-earned or nonexistent money to come here today
and listen to us tease a movie that’ll premier at least a year from now, if
we’re lucky.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience:
(Applauding wildly again) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
And now, without further ado, here are the stars you’ve all come to see!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Flings out the arm not holding the
microphone toward stage left, where several actors enter smiling and waving at
the audience and then sit at table with their matching nameplate)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience:
(Now standing while applauding wildly) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(One
actor, whose chair is at the exact center of the table, enters last wearing a
cap with his head tucked down and not smiling or waving as he zooms straight to
the seat and sits in a slouch, hands folded in his lap and not looking up)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
(Smiling fondly at the group) My shining film family: what a journey we’ve
taken, what adventures we’ve shared, what stories we have to tell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forever friendships made through our shared
journey… (Almost all the actors at the table nod in agreement) that’ll end with
us probably never seeing each other again after we finish the publicity
tour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now – (To the audience) where’s our
first question for our lil’ gang here?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Sees a crew member bring a microphone to an audience member) Yes, you
first – hi!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
Member 1: Hi!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Points to the actor
seated at the center of the table) My question is for Chad right there, who
seems to be hiding from us; hiiiiiii Chaaaaad!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Lifts head up slightly) Hi.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Heads goes
back down)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
Member 1: So, my question is, how does it feel to be suddenly thrust into
superstardom when you landed the lead role in this <u>humongous</u> film that
millions of fans of the franchise have been <u>beggin</u>g to see for literally
decades?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience:
Squeeeeeee!!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Looks up slightly) How… does it feel?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
Member 1: Yes, especially since you’ve been in the industry for a while in only
supporting roles, and now, all at once, you are IT!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
(Applauding with the audience and co-stars) Yeah, Chad!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had final say on casting him, by the way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Thinks for a few moments) Well… it feels....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
(As the moments stretch into uncomfortable silence) Pretty cool, I bet, right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience:
Ahahahahahaha!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
Actually, the whole thing kind of stinks.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience:
Ahahaha – ha?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Leans forward to speak more into the table microphone) I mean, I liked my
career – my <u>life</u> – the way it was: it was steady work and I could go out
and do pretty much whatever I wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I got this role, I figured, “Sure, whatever, bump in pay,
right?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Little did I know, I was signing
an invisible contract that meant life as I knew it was now over!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
Heh-heh; oh Chad, we all know the perils of fame – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(To Director) Do we?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I only auditioned
for the part because my now-<u>former</u> agent swore to me that the film’s
budget was so big it would never see the light of day, and this just would keep
me employed until the next Broadway audition season started!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
Uh, Chad, maybe don’t mention the budget –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Back to Audience Member 1) You know, no one tells you that when you’re the
so-called “star” that everyone else in the world now thinks they own you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People somehow found out where I live and now
camp on my front lawn regularly, stealing my mail even when I locked the box,
following me when I go food shopping, coming up to me while I’m running on park
trails demanding a copy of my chicken-scratch signature which <u>I</u> can’t
even read, and asking while I’m at the dentist’s office about how I live and
feel as if I <u>was</u> this character when – hate to burst your bubble – I
never read any of the source material this dude’s based on!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience:
(Collectively) <GASP!></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
Maybe we should hear from some of your co-stars now – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Grabs the table microphone and stands) And another thing: I don’t appreciate
having my entire life scrutinized from birth, or my family and friends harassed
for details on everything I’ve ever done, or my dating life now ruined because
I can’t trust that anyone I may be interested in isn’t actually an undercover
stalker!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
Member 2: (Stands up at the back of the hall) I LOVE YOU, CHAD!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Gestures vaguely in that unseen direction) See?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How can you say that?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
know you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t know me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could be a jerk and you could be a
psychopath!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
Member 2: YOU ARE SO WISE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I LOVE YOU
EVEN MORE NOW!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Back to the general audience, holding the microphone in both hands) I just
want to walk down the street in peace again!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Can’t you all just let me walk down the street in peace again?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
(Yanks the microphone out of Chad’s hands and turns back to the audience) Let’s
hear it for Chad’s wholehearted dedication to the craft!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Audience applauds politely)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
Member 1: (Hands the microphone back to the crew member and sits) I guess I’m
done, then.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Sits back on the chair and lowers his head onto his arms on the table;
muffled) I don’t even get the rest of my pay until <u>after</u> the film’s
released!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
So!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s have another question from the
audience!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
Member 3: (Stands and is handed the microphone from the same crew member)
Hello, my question is for Priya –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priya:
(Had been staring at Chad who is sitting next to her, quietly sobbing; she now
sits forward to speak into the table microphone) Yes, hi!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
Member 3: You’ve been a superstar yourself for a number of years – have you had
all this like Chad, only worse?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Priya:
Unfortunately, yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pats Chad on the
shoulder) Hate to say it, kid: even though they’ll take it easier on you than
they do me, it only goes downhill from here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Chad groans loudly into his arms)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
(Mops sweat off brow with an event flyer) Any questions out there related to
the actual film?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
Member 4: (Stands while looking at a phone display and is given the microphone
by the crew member, who had taken it from Audience Member 3) Yeah, I’m reading
here that the movie’s release just got cancelled `cause it went way over
budget.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that true?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
(As Chad sits up suddenly) Well, to my knowledge, we are right on track to –
(Hears phone buzzing and reads a message) Huh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(To the actors at the table) Well kiddos, word from above says there’s
not going to be a movie now since apparently my vision didn’t match their
budget.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I call that them being
cheapskates rather than me being unable to deal with finances properly, but the
bottom line is disappointment to say the least.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience
and Most of the Cast: Argghhhh…..</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Chad:
(Stands with arms raised in triumph and runs out stage left)
YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Director:
(In the ensuing silence) Whelp, at least somebody here got a happy ending out
of all this.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-6954109682472050912023-11-02T19:17:00.001-04:002023-11-02T19:17:10.007-04:00Story 514: Lost in the Corn Maze… in Broad Daylight <p> (At
a local farm temporarily converted into a Halloween/Autumn Extravaganza, Friend
1 and Friend 2 follow several groups of families and friends to a corn maze
entrance in the late afternoon)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (To Friend 2 as they wait on the steadily moving line) You sure you don’t
want to do this one with me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I doubt
it’s much trickier than the haunted barn we just went through.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how we managed to get turned around in
there when it’s only one way – that demonic sorceress and rabid wolf-man were
helpful in guiding us to the emergency exit, though.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Hey, it’s not my fault there’s barely any light in those things and the
glow-in-the-dark paint only makes it worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The screaming teenagers didn’t help my concentration, either.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Yeah, all that stuff’s kind of the point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, you go have fun not learning your lesson and getting lost in an even
bigger space that’s an actual maze this time – I’m exiting through the gift
shop and stocking up on the pumpkins and lawn ornaments I forgot to get this
year until literally days before Halloween.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Sucker: these places always get you with their unnecessary tchotchkes that no
one can live without.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Checks watch)
Whelp, this place closes in about half an hour so if I don’t come out in 20
minutes, send in the search party, heh-heh.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: You’re hilarious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Squints at the
setting Sun that is deceptively high in the sky) At least it’s still sunny now this
time of year, so it shouldn’t be too “scary” in there.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Briefly removes cap to wipe
sweat off brow) Although the 80° F weather right before November is probably
the scariest part of this whole outing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Dressed as a killer accountant and taking tickets from customers as they enter
the corn maze) Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare….
Thank you, enter if you dare….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Hands over ticket) Of course I dare, I forked over $5 for the pleasure of
getting temporarily lost, didn’t I?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
Well, if you’d like to do the speed run, take the first right and after a few
turns in either direction keep the highway on your right to make your way back;
if you want total immersion, take the aisle ahead allllllllll the way to the
end and then try to make your way back… IF YOU DARE!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: I already said – !</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
Sorry; I got a limited script to work with here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maze is only one square mile so I suggest
doing the longer version to get your money’s worth.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Thanks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To Friend 2 while walking
backward down the long aisle, surrounded by high cornstalks) And you never saw
me again…. (Disappears behind leaves and ears)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Cups mouth to shout) And don’t eat any of the corn, please!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Seriously, people do that?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
Trust me, people do anything. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">TWENTY
MINUTES LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Friend
2 wheels a cart filled with pumpkins and decorations to the corn maze entrance)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (To Employee who is packing up gear) Excuse me, did you happen to see if my
friend left a little while ago or is still in there?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
Nope, and everybody’s out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: That can’t be right; this place isn’t that big and no one was at the car for
me to dump all this stuff off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Checks counter) Hmmmmm… must have miscounted…. (Looks down at accountant
costume) Now that’s ironic.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Sighs, sets down the cart, takes out a phone, and selects a contact)
Unbelievable – would get lost trying to get out of a paper bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Listens to phone ringing on the other end)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: You’re lost in there, aren’t you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Voice) …Noooooo….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: You went into that thing in broad daylight, and giggling children made it
out of there faster.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Standing in the center of the corn maze with five different openings
radiating outward) I seem to have been sucked into The Labyrinth – which path
should I choose…?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Oh for crying out loud – (To Employee) Is there a shortcut in this thing?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
Uhhhh.... (Looks warily and the lower Sun) They don’t want us in there after
dark.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: I’m sure your bosses also don’t want the bad publicity of a lost customer
making a scene in the super-easy maze!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
I’m not talking about my bosses; I’m talking about – (Points to the darkening
cornfield) <u>Them</u>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend2:
You can drop the act, it’s almost closing time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
Oh no, I am <u>deadly</u> serious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>`Twas
the bargain made, for us mortals to use the cornfield for the amusement of the
kiddies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rule #1: DO NOT EAT THE CORN.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Oh, jeez.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
And Rule #2: DO NOT REMAIN AMONGST THE CORN AFTER SUNSET.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Well, we’re in luck, `cause sunset’s not for another hour thanks to the
perennial nuisance Daylight Savings Time being scheduled later than it used to
in years past.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Thinks on this) Oh, right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Guess that’s
still around, huh.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Whips out a flashlight) Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So: I’m
going in there to get my idiot designated driver out, and it would be most
helpful if <u>you</u> led the way so that we all get out of each others’ lives
all the faster!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Voice) I can still hear you, you know.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Places phone on speaker and straps it to an armband) Sorry for the
name-calling, but this really does take the boneheaded cake.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Voice) Hey!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (As Employee takes out a flashlight, places a barrier across the maze
entrance, and they both enter the maze) Not sorry on that one.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(They
navigate through the maze, having to turn on the flashlights several minutes in
as their surroundings darken)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(To Friend 2’s phone) Can you hear the highway to your right or your left?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Voice) Um, right – no, left – wait, I think it’s behind me – now it’s in
front – !</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Stop moving!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Voice) Got it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Nervously checks watch) Ooh, only 53 minutes left….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Through gritted teeth) Would-you-get-a-grip – ?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(A deer suddenly leaps out of nearby
cornstalks and dashes across the path in front of them) OH MY GOSH!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Voice) What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s happening?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is the maze taking you?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: No, it was just a sudden deer!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watch
out for them now, OK?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s their
dinnertime.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
I guess <u>they’re</u> allowed to eat the corn – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Oh shut it!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Friend
1 activates the cell phone’s flashlight, then uses it to peer closer at one of
the cornstalks) </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Wait a minute… I’ve passed this ear before!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Friend
2 and Employee round a corner and stop on seeing Friend 1)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Ah, <u>finally</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Ends the phone
call and Friend 1 does the same) Only you – <u>only</u> <u>you</u> – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Looking around frantically) Ssh: we’ve got bigger problems.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Yes: your lack of direction, for starters.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: No, I mean, I’ve been hearing things in here, rustling things, <u>gnawing</u>
things – </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Yeah, it’s the deer, eating the corn, let’s go!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Still looking around) No, not deer; something bigger, <u>hungrier</u>….
(Faces the other two ominously and whispers) We’re not alone in here!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(In a shrieking whisper) I knew it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
THEM!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they’re – (Checks watch) 48
minutes early!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (Moves to a different spot in order to shine the flashlight at the other
two) I never thought I would need to use Parent Mode on full-grown adults, but
here it is: I am going to count to three, and you are going to start walking as
fast as you can back to the entrance before I <u>get</u> to three, got
it?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(The other two stare) One!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(They run down the path that Friend 2 and
Employee originally took) Wow, that really does work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Follows them at a slower pace, then after
several turns stops when seeing their non-moving backs; in an annoyed tone) Why
are we stopped?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
I… think I took a wrong turn – or five.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Un – freaking – believable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Listens
for several seconds) All right: the highway’s that way – (Gestures with the
flashlight in that direction) I’m going through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Starts pushing through the cornstalks toward
the outer edge of the maze)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Gasps in horror) You can’t!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The corn!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Bill me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Peeks head back into the
maze; to Friend 1) You coming or what?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Oh, right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Follows Friend 2 through
the stalks)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Hops indecisively from foot-to-foot, then turns toward the sound of loudly
rustling cornstalks getting closer, and closer, and closer, and – ) I’m outta
here!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Runs through the cornstalks after
the other two and falls out of the maze and onto the surrounding grassy field) Forgive
meeeee – !<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Thunk)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: Oh good, you made it out alive; let’s go before somebody steals my pumpkins
if they haven’t already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Walks toward
the abandoned cart and the brightly lit parking lot)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Helps Employee up from the ground) Well, thanks for coming in after me – I
no doubt would’ve made it out eventually, so sorry for the trouble.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Keeps looking back at the maze) No trouble – part of the job to find wayward
souls…. (Once they are past the maze entrance, Employee grabs Friend 1’s arm
and hisses) Now: run for your life and never come back! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Runs to a car and takes off without even
clocking out for the day)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Shrugs, then returns to the car where Friend 2 is waiting with the cart of
supplies) Well, that certainly was exciting, wasn’t it?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: (As they load up the trunk and then wheel the cart back to where others are
parked) Yeah, I’m never going with you to another Halloween event ever again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: Oh, it wasn’t that bad – that employee sure was getting into though, right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: I almost got run over by a deer!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>That</u>
would have been a very real nightmare: I just know my health insurance would
never have covered it!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Winces as they both get into the car and drive to the exit) Sorry about
that – I really didn’t think I’d get <u>that</u> lost in such a family-friendly
setting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I’m pretty certain there
was something other than deer in there with us.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
2: I admit, you might be right about that: there could’ve been monsters of the
human kind in there, which is even worse.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend
1: (Begins the long wait to make a left-hand turn onto the busy highway) Yeah:
that’s the kind of Halloween scare <u>no</u> <u>one</u> wants.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Ten
minutes later, the car screeches onto the highway between unending waves of two-way
traffic as several figures watch from the darkness of the corn maze)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Figure
1: Huh: we almost got some this time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Figure
2: Well, good thing for them they managed to escape before The Night – staying
past operating hours is just plain rude.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-41860372391924104792023-10-26T19:30:00.005-04:002023-10-27T22:44:13.483-04:00Story 513: Haunted House for Sale <p> (In
a centuries-old Victorian-style house surrounded by an empty field, Ghost 2
hovers in an armchair in the parlor reading a book with semi-materialized hands
when Ghost 1 floats in through the closed door)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: You won’t believe what just happened!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: (Looks up from the book) Hm?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, I
probably will – what is it?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: That real estate agent we keep having to chase away once a month came back
and slapped an “Under Contract” sticker on the sign outside!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t even get out of the car to do it; just
leaned out the window and then drove away right after, the coward!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: Huh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there hasn’t been anyone
actually <u>inside</u> the place for decades – who would’ve bought it sight
unseen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sounds like a bad investment to
me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: I know!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We slipped up big-time, I
tell you: the buyer must’ve seen old photos posted online and now wants to turn
this into a –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: Don’t say it!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: – bed-and-breakfast!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: NOOOOOO!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ll be surrounded by weekending
tourists, all week long!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: We should never have let this happen – I <u>told</u> you we needed to branch
out and start haunting the Internet!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: I know, but it seemed such a hassle.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Well, it’s too late now!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
relaxation-seekers will be streaming in any minute, demanding rustic atmosphere
and French toast and quilted tea cozies and guided hikes until I’ll wish I
could throw up but I literally don’t have the stomach for it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is <u>our</u> house, <u>our</u> land,
forever has been, and forever will be!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
3: (Sticks head in through the door) Actually, the land this house was built on
originally was part of the homeland of the Nanticoke Lenni-Lenape Tribal
Nation, so I think they’d have a few words to say about that.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: (Points to Ghost 3) I… retract my prior statement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
3: Gotcha.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Ducks back out)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: (To Ghost 2) So what’re we going to do?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: I think we should wait and see who actually bought the place and plan the
hauntings accordingly – who knows, they could just be a stereotypical family
who only need a few slamming doors and tipped-over chairs to make them run away
screaming for their lives.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: (Tries to throw self onto the couch and instead hovers slightly above it)
Ugh, I thought we were done with all this; full-out hauntings are sooooo exhausting!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: I know, but unfortunately they’re a necessary evil if we want any peace during
our indefinite stay here. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">SEVERAL
WEEKS LATER</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;"></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(The
new owner of the house arrives at night, during a full moon with a werewolf
howling in the distance)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Owner:
(Unlocks the front door and turns on the main light) Helloooooo, ghosties,
anyone home, heh-heh-heh?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Ghost
1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 watch from behind the railing along the second floor
hallway facing the entrance)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Great, we’ve got a comedian.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
3: At least it’s not ghost hunters again – the last group made such a
mess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although, it was a lot of fun <u>messing</u>
with them, so, yeah.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Owner
sets down an overnight bag, closes and locks the front door, and begins slowly
exploring the rooms)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Owner:
(Shouting up at the ceiling and the second floor) DON’T MIND ME, I’M ONLY
MAKING SURE NOTHING NEEDS MAJOR REPAIRS, NO DESECRATION IS INTENDED, I’M CERTAIN
WE CAN ALL LIVE – oops – I MEAN, EXIST TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Wow, this one’s noisy – want me to release the chandelier now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’ll probably be too expensive
to replace this time and they’ll just chuck it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Good point.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Owner
turns on the light for the staircase and hallway and slowly walks upstairs,
unknowingly toward the ghosts)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Owner:
I’M CHECKING THE BEDROOMS NOW, SO HIDE ANY UNSEEMLY LITEREATURE YOU HAVE BEFORE
I GET THERE, HEH-HEH-HEH!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: (As the three watch Owner pass behind them) I am two seconds away from a
spirit possession to make this one fall right back down the stairs.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: Easy there.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
3: Um, you two keep an eye on all this; I just gotta check in my room for…
something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Quickly floats down the hall
and through a bedroom door)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: (Stares disgustedly after Ghost 3) Unbelievable.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(After
an uneventful search of the rooms, Owner stops at the attic door)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Owner:
(Half-turns around) I’M GOING TO THE ATTIC NOW!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Yippee.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Owner:
(Unlocks the attic door, turns on the light, and slowly ascends the stairs)
PLEASE DON’T HAVE A HANGING BODY OR YOUR IMAGES REFLECTED IN A MIRROR BEHIND ME
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, OK?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Don’t worry; I never repeat myself.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Ghost
3 floats out of the bedroom back to the other two)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
3: So, what’d I miss?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: (Points to the open door at the end of the hallway) Attic.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
3: Ah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s up there this time?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Oh, maybe the diary I left open to the page detailing how I slaughtered my
entire family, or maybe the newspaper article detailing how the demon we
summoned took forever to drive us all mad, or maybe the blood writing on the
wall detailing how the house slowly came alive and consumed us out of spite, or
maybe something else entirely, I forget.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: You know, I haven’t checked up there in a while, I hope we didn’t leave all
that stuff lying out together – I think that wouldn’t be so much terrifying as
confusing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: (Thinks on this) Drat. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, there’s
always Plan B.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Owner
comes back down the attic stairs, turns off the light, closes and locks the
door, and starts walking back to the main stairs, looking very confused; Ghost
1 floats over and materializes immediately in Owner’s path)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Boo.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Owner:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Runs all the
way downstairs, grabs the overnight bag, unlocks the front door, stops halfway
to the car, runs back inside the house, turns off the main light, locks the
door, runs back to the car, and speeds away with tire marks on the driveway all
the way to the main road)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: (To Ghost 1) Well done!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another one
out of our afterlives forever!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Thank you – I’ve still got it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
3: You don’t think anyone else’ll come along after this one, do you?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Oh, I highly doubt it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Looks
determinedly at the closed front door) But if they do, we’ll be ready for them,
forever have been, and forever will be! <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: center;">SEVERAL
WEEKS LATER <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">(Ghost
1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 are in front of the house staring at the new sign:
“COMING SOON: LUXURY TOWNHOUSES!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: 8pt;">WARNING: TOWNSHOUSES WILL BE UNAFFORDABLE FOR MOST
PEOPLE AND SUBJECT TO GROUNDWATER FLOODING”</span>)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
3: So, how does it work if we no longer have an actual house to haunt?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
2: I suppose we finally, at long last, move on?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Eternal rest for our mildly tormented souls?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">Ghost
1: Nah: this just means there’re more houses for us to haunt.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-30281074581524635372023-10-19T19:37:00.001-04:002023-10-19T19:37:39.680-04:00Story 512: Oblivia and the Vampire <p> <span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>(In a movie
theater lobby, Oblivia and Friend make their way to the exit)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend: Well,
all I can say is I’m glad I only spent $6 on what we just saw because, wow.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Scraping the bottom of a popcorn bucket to get the remnants) How do you mean?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend: For one
thing, at least an hour could’ve been trimmed off the runtime since that middle
section led absolutely nowhere, and for another, the storyline was predictable
and boring!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia: (Tosses
the empty bucket into a garbage can before the two exit the building to hover
near the curb) I thought it was all right – I like it when I know how
something’s going to end, it gives me a sense of security and lessens my
anxiety about fictional characters’ fates.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend: Fine –
what about the “acting”, emphasis on the air quotes?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia: Oh,
you’re right about that: everyone was pretty much terrible in this one,
unfortunately.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend: Thank
you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia: Except
for the swing band members who kept randomly popping up – they were hilarious.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend: Agree to
disagree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, need a lift to your car?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia: Nah; thanks,
though: it’s just at the end of that aisle over there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gotta get home to the kiddies now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend: Oh no,
they’ll be there next week or else I wouldn’t have gone out tonight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kind of lonely the weeks they’re not at my
house, know-what-I-mean?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia: Kind
of: I’ve lived alone for more than 10 years and it’s mostly fine, but one in a
while it gets a little lonely, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe I should borrow some kids when I start feeling that way?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Friend: I don’t
recommend doing that, ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, this
was fun; have a good night; safe getting home!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia: (Waving
as the two part ways) You, too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Walks
all the way down the nearly empty aisle to reach her car, not noticing a figure
leaning against a lamppost almost next to it)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire: (Wearing
jeans and a T-shirt clothes; to Oblivia’s back as she is about to open the
driver’s side door) Sooooooo….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia: (Turns
around abruptly) Huh?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire: Lonely,
are we?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Makes a show of slowly running
tongue over upper fangs)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia: Heh?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Pauses, then stands up straight) What you were saying to your friend just now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Looks up briefly to remember the conversation) Oh, <u>that</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait a minute, you eavesdropped on me saying
that from almost 1,000 feet away?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
a bit rude.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
…Yeah, it’s kind of hard to turn it off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Anywho, <u>I</u> possibly could help with you feeling, you know, less
lonely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Starts moving in closer to
Oblivia) Make you feel wanted, instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Loved</u>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Laughs) Thank you very much, but I’m happy with my current religion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
What?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Aren’t you a Jehovah’s Witness?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Cackles evilly) Quite the opposite, my dear.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Satanist?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That one doesn’t do it for me,
either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look, what I’m offering is an <u>eternity</u>
of never feeling lonely again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Well, that’s not as much of a problem as you seem to think it is, but how so,
then?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
Because you’ll be <u>MINE</u> <u>FOREVER</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Eyes blazing red and fangs lengthening, begins reaching for Oblivia)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Grimaces) Ew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Textbook possessive
behavior with a hearty dollop of narcissism to boot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No thanks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Gets into the car, gestures at Vampire to back up a smidgen, and drives
off)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Staring at the receding car with arms still outstretched) …WHAT?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(At
home, Oblivia has changed into pajamas and is putting away some clothes lying
around her bedroom when she sees something fluttering at the closed window)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Is that a confused bird?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Peers closer
through the glare of the bedroom light on the window at the figure now perched
on the outside ledge) Aw, it’s a bat!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You go get all those bloodsucking mosquitos, buddy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Bat morphs into Vampire, then falls off the
ledge) Oh, you again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How’d you find out
here I live?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Stands while brushing off leaves and dirt) I followed you here, obviously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
<u>And</u> a stalker too; you’re just one big mess, aren’t you?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot – please allow me to make it up to
you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Sure thing: you can start by leaving since it’s beddy-bye time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Tries to lean alluringly on the narrow ledge) I was thinking more along the
lines of me showing you the wonders of the night.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Is that a new pick-up line?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Stands up) No, it’s – here, I can explain everything if you just <u>invite</u>
<u>me</u> <u>in</u>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Why would I do that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re a stranger.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
For what I just said!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The wonders of the
night!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Yeah, but I’m more of a morning person.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
You don’t understand – I’m offering you <u>immortality</u>!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will never grow old, you will never
become ill, you will never die!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(In a
low voice) Again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
What was that last part?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
Power over your enemies!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
I don’t have any.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
All the money in the world!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Eh – not worth it after the first two million.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
Never having to go to work again!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Slides up the window and leans on the sill) I’m listening.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Also leans on the outside ledge) Freedom to travel anywhere and everywhere
you’ve ever wanted to go!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The world will
be your oyster that you literally suck dry!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Gross.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
Well, that is the catch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
What, I gotta eat only oysters now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Sighs, then adopts an ominous tone) In exchange for all these glorious
rewards, you merely need to feast on your former fellow creatures.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Gasps in horror) You’re a <u>cannibal</u>?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
For the love of – I’m a vampire!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
You’re a what?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
Yes, we exist, we’re here to stay, and I have selected <u>you</u> for the honor
of joining our loving family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clearly
out of convenience rather than merit, since no one else was nearby at the time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
No, I mean, what’s a vampire?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Laughs, then stops on seeing the blank look on Oblivia’s face) You’re not
serious?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Yeah, are you trying to say you’re a special kind of umpire or something like
that?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
Let me get this straight: you’re telling me, in this day and age, in this part
of the world, inundated by pop culture whether you like it or not, you have <u>never</u>
<u>heard</u> of the word “vampire”?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
Nope, but I also don’t pick up on much in general, so don’t take it
personally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you get special training
for this career?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Stares inwardly and shakes head) Unbelievable….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Stands) Whelp, this was a nice break from the routine, but I gotta go into
work early tomorrow, so, bye!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Slams the
window shut, closes the blinds, turns out the light, gets into bed, and falls
asleep immediately)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Sits down on a nearby bush, still staring inwardly) Unbelievable….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(In
a supermarket parking lot late the next afternoon, Oblivia whistles while
wheeling a shopping cart of groceries to her car as the sun sets)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Lands while transforming from bat form immediately after the sun is gone)
Heyyyy....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(After tossing the last bag into the trunk) Oh, hey, still not staying as a bat
again?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
No, the bat’s only for transportation!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Tsks) That’s too bad, I liked that version of you better; such a cute, furry
little thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Slams the trunk door shut
and wheels the shopping cart to a nearby corral)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Mutedly grinds fangs while trotting along to keep up) Have you considered my
proposal at all today?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Shoves the cart a few times into a growing stack until it fits) Hm?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t remember you asking me to marry you
last night; we haven’t even gotten to the fooling-around stage yet.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Eyes begin blazing red and fangs lengthen again) This is your last chance,
Mortal!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Walking back to the car as Vampire again trots along to keep up) Great, you
think you’re a god now; there’s really nowhere else to go from there.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Runs in front of Oblivia to hypnotize her) <Give your soul to me!></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Oblivia:
(Stops) Wow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think you need to work on
that self-esteem issue that’s clearly the root of all your problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Digs into her handbag and hands Vampire a
business card) I always find volunteering is a great way to put things in
perspective while helping others in need – this organization distributes food
and clothing and provides people with job training; I seriously recommend you
contact them to help out where you can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They’re mostly only open during the day, but I’m sure they can find
something for you to do that fits your apparently nocturnal schedule.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Pats Vampire on the shoulder) Best wishes on
your life!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Gets into the car and drives
off)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(Vampire
stares at the car, then back down at the card as a bat flies over and
transforms into Head Vampire)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Head
Vampire: Well?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That one was practically
a “gimme”, and yet you managed to utterly fail in either converting her to one
of us or even making a meal for yourself!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>By all rights, I should demote you back to “Trainee” status since
remedial education is clearly in order!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Hangs head in shame) I understand.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Head
Vampire: And what is that she gave you!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
(Hands over the card) Here.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Head
Vampire: (Starts reading in disgust, then nods thoughtfully) Hm, maybe it <u>is</u>
about time we start giving back to the community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Vampire:
Might help with our image.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-48806197015475303782023-10-12T18:08:00.006-04:002023-10-12T18:08:57.376-04:00Story 511: Cursed With No Good Parking Spots <p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(In a
supermarket self-checkout area, Little Old Lady slowly steps forward each time
the shoppers ahead advance gradually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
a kiosk’s light flashes when she is next in line, she gently picks up her
basket that was set down on the floor and starts to head over there; she only
makes it two steps before the shopper who was behind her zips around and zooms
to the open kiosk)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
Excuse me, but I was next.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cutter:
(Pauses momentarily in high-speed scanning to address her) You snooze, you
lose, GRAAAAAANDMAAAAAA!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Resumes
scanning)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Hurriedly approaches Little Old Lady) I am so sorry I couldn’t stop this in
time – would you like me to ring up your purchases for you when another kiosk
opens?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Gestures to The Cutter and lowers
voice) I’ll also give that one the stink eye, if you like.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
You are too kind, Overworked Employee, but no need – I have this under
control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Flings away the basket and
suddenly grows to a height of 10 feet as lightning flashes, thunder booms,
winds blast throughout the store, overhead lights flicker on and off, and
everyone else ducks for cover)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cutter:
(Dives partially under a shelf holding a can of beans) HOLY – !</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Giant Old Lady:
(In a booming voice) HEAR ME, WRETCH: DUE TO THY HEARTLESS IMPATIENCE AND JUST
PLAIN RUDENESS, I HEREBY CURSE YE FOR ALL ETERNITY!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cutter:
(Trying to huddle farther back into a corner; mutters) Cripes; that’s the
second time this month.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Giant Old Lady:
MY CURSE UNTO YE BE THIS: TO THE END OF THY DAYS, YE WILL <u>NEVER</u> FIND A
PARKING SPOT AGAIN!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
(Eyes widen in horror) What?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Noooooooo!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Scurries out from
under the shelf to fall on knees before Giant Old Lady and clasp hands in
supplication) Wait, please, I beg you, mercy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There’s no mass transit in this area; I have to drive to get anywhere;
where am I gonna put the car???!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Is
hit in the face with a wind-blown circular; flings it away)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Giant Old Lady:
NOT MY PROBLEM!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd: And
this won’t just affect me, you know – I drive other people, too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Occasionally!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Giant Old Lady:
THEY CAN BE DROPPED OFF!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
Drat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some leniency then, please!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could have tripped you on my way past, but
I didn’t!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Giant Old Lady:
VERY WELL.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>MY CURSE IS EDITED TO BE
THUS: THAT YE WILL NEVER FIND A <u>GOOD</u> PARKING SPOT AGAIN, AHAHAHAHA!!!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
(Lowers head into hands and sobs) Better, but not much.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Giant Old Lady:
`TIS DONE, AND CANNOT BE UNDONE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Waves
arms in a flourish that whips up the winds even more, then shrinks back to
previous size as the indoor weather abruptly stops and the overhead lights
remain on)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
(To Employee, who slowly emerges from behind a discount DVD bin) Apologies, but
would you mind finding my basket, please?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I seem to have misplaced it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Employee:
(Quickly shoves the items that had spilled out back into the basket and hands
it at arm’s length to Little Old Lady) Here – on the house, basket and all.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
(Gently takes it) Such a dear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(To The
Cursèd) See where a little kindness can get you in life?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
Huuuuuuhhhhhh????</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
(On the way out of the store) Have a nice walk to your car; it’s the last time
it’ll ever be this short, hee-hee-hee!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(The entire
store stares at The Cursèd, who slowly stands and stares back at all the faces
glaring in reproach)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd: ….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Store: ….</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd: …Old
people, am-I-right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Is pelted by packages
of napkins and paper towels from all directions) <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">THE NEXT DAY <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(In an office
conference room)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager:
(Addressing several employees seated at a long table, basically speaking to a packet
of papers being reviewed) Budget got underestimated again this year, so guess
who are not getting raises, again –</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(A groan ripples
across the table)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker 1:
Could the company tell that to all our bills?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker 2:
Yeah, if no one anywhere across the nation is getting raises lately, then how
are prices still going up?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: (Slowly
looks up from the packet) I… don’t know…?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(The Cursèd slips in through the door and slides into a seat at the end
of the table; everyone else turns to stare) You realize this isn’t a huge
lecture hall and we all saw you slither in here, yes?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
(Bites nails) I was hoping not to interrupt.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: Mind
explaining why you’re – (Checks watch and raises eyebrows) over two <u>hours</u>
late to work today?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
(Stops biting) Right now?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: Yes!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
(Mumbles at the table) I couldn’t find a parking spot.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: What
was that?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd: I
couldn’t find a spot to park my car!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: That’s
ridiculous; there are always tons of spots here!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
Well, today a bunch of school buses decided to take up half of them, and what
was clearly non-emergency construction took over the rest by the time I got
here!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: So
where’d you wind up, then? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t tell me
the strip mall down the street?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd: No,
I’m not walking 10 blocks in highway traffic, are you kidding?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just parked out front and put on my hazard
lights.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: For all
day?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
Yeah, why not?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: For one
thing, that’ll drain the battery right up, and for another, you’re probably
going to get towed `cause that’s a fire lane.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd: But
they can’t tow me, I have my hazards on!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Coworker 3:
(Leaning toward the window and peering down at the street) Hate to break it to
you, but they’re towing you right now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
(Runs out of the room) The curse, the curse!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(The rest stare
at the empty doorway, then back at each other)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Manager: Is that
some new way of cursing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(The others
shrug) <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">THE NEXT WEEK <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(At a theater during
intermission)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience Member
1: (To Audience Member 2 as both stand and stretch) I tell you, this show keeps
getting better as the night goes on!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience Member
2: I know, I’m so glad we got to see it today, I’ve been looking forward to it
for ages!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been so much fun, I don’t
even mind that we missed the first 10 minutes while looking for…. (Glances at
phone)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience Member
1: Yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wanna try calling again?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience Member
2: (Sighs) I guess, although it’s pretty much a moot point by now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Selects a contact and waits for the call to
pick up) Hey!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, any luck with the
hunt?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd: (On
speaker phone, gripping the steering wheel while stopped mid-uphill in a
parking garage) After my 57<sup>th</sup> circuit of this skyscraper, I spotted
a pedestrian who is actually walking <u>uphill</u> instead of <u>down</u> – I
believe my patience has at last been rewarded, since after stalking this
individual for 13 levels they at last entered a vehicle, and all I have to do
is wait with my blinker on to show that <u>this spot is mine</u>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience Member
2: That’s great!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How long you think
it’ll take to get here from there, then?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
Well, I’ve been waiting for this car to depart for nearly half an hour, so any
minute now it should take me another 10 to get there.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience Member
2: …I don’t think that person’s leaving anytime soon.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
(Grips the wheel tighter, bloodshot eyes blazing) MY PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience Member
2: (As house lights dim and both sit) All righty, keep me posted by text then,
bye!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Ends call; whispers to Audience
Member 1) Make sure to pick up an extra program on our way out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Audience Member
1: (Whispers back as the curtain opens) Too bad they don’t let you do the old
“Turn on your hazards and leave the car out front” here. <br /></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">THE NEXT MONTH <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">(At a church
parking lot, The Cursèd wearily circles around again as a wedding party processes
inside)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
(Exits the lot to start touring the full side streets) Whelp, guess I’m out of
the will again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Suddenly sees Little
Old Lady waiting to cross the street, slams on the brakes and leans out the
window) Oh come on!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
(Points to the wedding party) Are those your relatives?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My parents, for the third
time!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Little Old Lady raises an
eyebrow) Don’t ask.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
It seems drama runs in the family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you drop me off at the main door, you may find a spot right in front will have
“miraculously” opened up, pun intended.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd:
(Flings open the passenger side door) Yes – please – anything – I’ve been
driving non-stop for weeks and had to refill the gas tank 20 times this
month!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Little Old Lady crosses the
street and gets into the passenger seat; The Cursèd circles back to the parking
lot) Wait a minute, you’re going to this wedding too?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Gasps in panic) Are we <u>related</u>?!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
(Chuckles) Of course, everyone everywhere is related if you go back far
enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(The Cursèd’s eyes widen in
realization) But in this case, I just volunteer to clean up after ceremonial
messes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd: Oh
good – I was afraid you were going to tell me I’ll turn into you one day or
something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Stops at the curb and
gestures at the church’s main door) There it is – have at you, and never curse
me again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
(While exiting the car) Oh dear, you do realize this is just a one-time
reprieve: you’re still cursed for eternity, no getting out of it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">The Cursèd: Son
of a – (Sees a car leaving a spot right in front) MINE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Speeds away with the passenger side door
still hanging open)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">Little Old Lady:
(Shakes head and tuts at the exhaust and burning rubber) Typical: no one ever
learns their lesson after being eternally cursed.</p>
Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8673248963666445018.post-80389119448910796532023-10-05T20:25:00.003-04:002023-10-05T20:25:28.806-04:00Story 510: And the Rains Came<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“I love autumn!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“You do?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Oh yes: the
colorful leaves, the crisp cool weather, the mums and pumpkins all out on
cheerful display – ”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“HA!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“…I fail to
perceive the cause for that outburst.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Where have you
been the past 20 years?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t get
autumn anymore!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“We don’t?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We get Summer 2.0 and then the Rainy Season,
often interchangeably, up to and including winter.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“But we still
get all the stuff I mentioned.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Barely!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The leaves don’t noticeably change until November;
the weather skips crisp-cool and instead does blazing-freezing; we’re lucky the
mums make it to September and the actual start of autumn before they burn up;
and the pumpkins are regularly imported due to the rot from the constant rain,
rain, rain!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Rain’s not all
that bad; it’s not as if we have to deal with monsoons every year like some
places.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“You’re right,
it isn’t all that bad: the times when it stops once a week and you don’t have
to swim to get out of the house, it’s just fine!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Well, we’re
lucky our area didn’t get hit with the hurricanes this year.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“That we are;
not so lucky are all the other places that <u>did</u> get hit, multiple times.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“What about the
areas suffering from drought and wildfires?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“All the more
reason that it’s so awful we get excess when those places are the ones that
need at least their share!”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“I guess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, I like all the decorations that are
out for Halloween and autumn in general, those are always fun.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“When they’re
not being swept away down the rising river that used to be the street, sure.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“All right, so
the autumn I’m visualizing is more of the autumn we used to get before the
Earth started taking revenge on us; I’ll still enjoy what’s out there,
in-between the raindrops.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“That’s a great
attitude, considering the heavens just opened up again for Round 300 and last I
heard this downpour won’t end until later in the month at the earliest.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Well, it could
always be worse.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“How so?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">“Could be snow.”</p>
<p></p>Jennifer E. Pergolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14041294171633024082noreply@blogger.com2