Story 630: The Awards Show Took a Turn

            (At a late point in a major film awards show)

M.C.: (Standing center stage and addressing the theater and television audiences as applause trickles away) Well that commercial break went on too long for this time of night – (Glances at a wristwatch) morning – BUT, since we’ve gone this far, let me continue presenting presenters with your next one: last year’s winner of the Best Female Actor in a Drama, ------ -------.

(Applause as Presenter enters from stage right and M.C. walks past to lean against the wall there and lightly doze while waiting for the last few categories)

Presenter: Hi everyone, I’m skipping the script in the interest of time – I think the nominees will thank me along with the rest of the audience.  (Audience members cheer) And the nominees for Best Male Actor in a Drama are: -------- ----- in ------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 1, who nods solemnly in the direction of the stage)

Presenter: ------ ---------- in ----- -----: -------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 2, who smiles and waves wildly at the camera)

Nominee 2: (Muted by the lack of a microphone) I love you, Mom!

Presenter: -------------- ---- in ----------------------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 3, who gives a thumbs-up and a wink at the camera)

Presenter: ---- ------ -------- in --- ------ ------ --------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 4, who holds up a sign that reads “I’M OWED THIS”)

Presenter: And finally, ---- ------- in ---- ----.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 5, who is scowling and slowly shaking his head in disgust)

Presenter: (Opening the envelope) And the award, for Best Male Actor in a Drama, goes to….

(Television split-screens show the Presenter opening the envelope at the top with the five Nominees at the bottom; Nominees 1-4 show different degrees of restrained eagerness, while Nominee 5 has his eyes closed and is holding up crossed fingers while shaking his head back-and-forth and mouthing “No-no-no-no-” with each shake)

Presenter: (Pulls out the card and gets a paper cut) Oh come on – excuse me – (Reads the card) ---- ------ in ---- ----!

(As most of the audience members applaud, the television camera now only shows Nominee 5 who is surrounded by cheering seatmates and mutedly shouting “No!  Son of a -----!   ---- it!   ---- it to -----!  Un----ing-believable!”; the cheering seatmates lift him out of the seat and hug him, shake his hands, and slap him on the back toward the stage.  When Nominee 5 stops at the bottom of the stairs and raises a fist at the giant award replica at the back of the stage, Nominee 1 in the front row stands to push him up the stairs and then returns to his seat to resume graciously applauding with the rest.  Presenter hands the award to Nominee 5, who stares at it at first and then reluctantly takes it, leaning in toward Presenter to shout over his movie’s theme music)

Nominee 5: I’ve always admired your work!

Presenter: (Clapping) Thank you!  Congratulations!  (Gestures to the microphone) Go at it!

Nominee 5: (Looks at the microphone in loathing) Ughhhh….. (Walks to stand in front of it as the audience members’ applause and the music simultaneously fade out and everyone who was giving a standing ovation sits back down again) OK, this is extremely embarrassing.  (The audience members provide polite laughter) No, this is not a joke – (Gestures toward the audience) not only did any of the other four nominees deserve this award so much more than I did, but as many of you know, the only reason I was nominated in the first place was out of spite, so I can only guess that I “won” – (Does the air quotes) for that same reason, as the veritable icing on this travesty of a filmmaking cake.  (Polite laughter shifts to awkward laughter) I’m being absolutely serious here: anyone with half a brain cell who saw ---- ---- knows that its point was to highlight the unfairness of inequality, and yet the only award nomination, out of all the people who worked on that film – (Holds an arm out toward the area of the theater where others who worked on that film are sitting) many of whom came here tonight to support me because they are such awesome and wonderful human beings, let’s give them a round of applause – (Leads a round of applause, briefly tucking the statue under one arm in order to clap) so the only award nomination being for the dude who played a character representing the oppressive regime this film was critiquing, is the ultimate slap in the face to everything we worked so hard to convey with on this project.  And when I say “we”, I’m barely including myself in that since all I did was recite the lines in the script, which was nothing compared to all the work everyone else did and who should have been nominated for this film.  (Exit music slowly starts to build up) DO NOT PLAY ME OFF!!!  (Exit music abruptly stops; Nominee 5 looks up slightly to address the film industry ether) You created this fiasco – you will sit through the consequences!  Now, I have a list, not of those I want to thank for – ahem – “earning” – (Does the air quotes again) this award, but of all those who should have been nominated – and should have won! – instead of me tonight: ----- ------, Director; ----- ------ and ----- -------, Screenwriters; ----- -------, Lead Female Actor; --- ---------, Cinematographer – (Exit music starts to build up faster) I swear to Hades, if you don’t stop playing that exit music until I’ve finished, I will smash this thing in front of all of you!  (Shakes the statue in emphasis; exit music abruptly stops again) Right: ------ ---------, Composer…. (Goes on for another five minutes) And now, Second Unit –

M.C.: (Peels away from the wall to dash to Nominee 5’s side) Well, I think at this very, very, very late point in the festivities, our audience here and at home would rather the rest of your acknowledgements be an e-mail instead of a meeting, am-I-right?

(Audience members laugh in relief)

Nominee 5: (Glaring at M.C.) Do not do a bit right now.

M.C.: …OK.

Nominee 5: I will stop when I have righted this wrong and not a second earlier, understand?!

M.C.: (Backing away) OK, jeez –

Nominee 5: Justice will be served!  (Back to the microphone) Now, Second Unit!  (Someone approaches from stage right, holds onto Nominee 5’s arm, and leans in to whisper in his ear for a few seconds; the latter nods, then turns back to face the audience again) I’ve just been told by my Director on this project – ----- ------, everyone, please give her a hand for her amazing work!  (Applauds along with the exhausted audience members)  She said that I would be helping my slighted fellow filmmakers more if I posted this list on social media and allow the remainder of tonight’s awards to continue, so I will go do that as soon as I leave this stage.

M.C.: (Mutters while leaning against the side wall again) That’s what I said.

Presenter: (Whispers back soothingly) I know.

Nominee 5: In closing – (Audience members collectively sigh) my winning this award is proof that the whole system is a sham, and I normally would melt down this statue and donate the profits to charity, but I suspect it’s pretty much plastic so in that case I’ll just recycle it.  So: know who the real winners are in life, elections are always a popularity contest, stay in school, and value the art itself because awards mean NOTHING!  And I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that I’m permanently retiring from acting – good night, world!  (Runs off the stage, followed uncertainly by Director and Presenter, as the exit music blasts at full volume, the audience erupts in an uproar, and M.C. returns to the microphone, clapping over-enthusiastically)

M.C.: Well, folks, I think we witnessed several history-making events at this show – we’re unfortunately going to have to speed-run though the Best Director and Best Drama categories in order for the late-night news to air sometime this week, so if there are any complaints, I think you all know exactly who to direct them to.

Story 620: Awkward Film Premiere

             (On a living room couch, Fan is stretched out petting a tiny sleeping cat curled up next a leg while talking on the phone)

Fan: Sure, I think he was a great child actor, and he’s gotten even better as he’s gotten older, but I also just can’t bring myself to see his new movie.

Friend: (Also on a living room couch, stretched out petting a giant sleeping dog lying across the entire body while talking on the phone) Why not?  You’ve see practically all his other stuff, and I hear this one’s getting rave reviews so far and it hasn’t even officially been released yet.

Fan: Oh, yeah, I bet it’s great, it’ll probably sweep all the awards and go down in film history as one of the all-time classics, but there’s one sticking point that I just can’t get past.

Friend: And that is?

Fan: It was gleefully blasted online about a year ago that he’s got at least three, shall we say, adult scenes in this, and from what I’ve heard, they’re very adult.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, we’ve gone beyond an R rating and are now in NC-17 territory.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, full frontal and everything that goes with it.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: You’re not realizing the problem with this?

Friend: Well, we’re all supposedly mature grown-ups here, and I know you’ve seen movies with that kind of material before, so what’s the issue?

Fan: The issue is, I’ve seen him on-screen since he was 7 years old!

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: I was 21 when his first film came out!  Even saying that out loud feels like a crime!

Friend: Oh relax, he’s a grown man now; if he wants to expose himself to the entire world, I say, more power to him.

Fan: And that’s fine, it just doesn’t feel right for me to be in the audience when he does it!

Friend: Whatever: I’ve seen him in the same movies you have and have no problem with it, so I’m going opening weekend and will let you know all about the fantastic cinematic experience you’re missing.

Fan: Great: have a wonderful time, pervert.

Friend: Weirdo.

(They both end the call simultaneously)

Fan: (Is tapped on the face by the now-awake cat) Oh, sorry there, bud – got distracted by a decency dilemma.  (Rubs the cats’ ears and checks e-mails on the phone as the latter falls asleep again; leans forward when reading one particular message)

E-mail Message: “CONGRATULATIONS!  You have been selected in the recent drawing to see ------ ---------’s new film, Torrid Torments!  Prize includes an all-expenses-paid trip to the New York premiere; front row seat to the film; and a pre-premiere meet-and-greet with ------ --------- himself!”

Fan: (In quiet horror) Ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. Wait a minute, I shouldn’t stress over what’s clearly a scam.  (Takes an hour to verify the message’s authenticity) Nope: I entered this drawing, all right.  Why on Earth would I do that?!  (Calls Friend and relays the message)

Friend: (Petting the giant dog now draped across the chest) What do you mean, you’re not going?!  All expenses paid, you fool!

Fan: I know, that’s probably why I entered in the first place without paying attention to the movie title, but were you not listening to what we were just talking about earlier?!

Friend: I was, and if it were me I still wouldn’t care!  Airfare – hotel – meals – front-row seat – MEET-AND-GREET!  I wouldn’t care if this was for the worst film of all time – if you turn this down, I will never forgive you for depriving me of the opportunity to live it vicariously!

Fan: (Sighs while absentmindedly rubbing the swooning cat’s belly) Well, I guess when you put it that way –

Friend: Yes!  When you get there, can you ask ------ what it was like being naked in front of 50 crew members?

Fan: Ewwwwwww!!!!

Friend: Kidding, I’m kidding!  Seriously, though: could you promise not to tell anyone else and then ask if he gets a secret thrill from this kind of attention?... Hello? 

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER 

(In the film premiere venue, Fan is dressed up in business casual and seated at a table waiting in a small meeting room with a studio representative)

Studio Representative: (After checking a phone) OK, just got the word that ------’ll be here in about a minute – nervous?

Fan: (Slowly tearing a napkin to shreds) Not quite the word for it, but yeah.

(Celebrity and entourage suddenly enter the room; Fan and Studio Representative stand)

Celebrity: (Approaches Fan, smiling broadly and hand outstretched) Hello, Contest Winner!  Congratulations on your well-deserved prize!

Fan: (Averting eyes as they shake hands) Thanks – nice to meet you.

Celebrity: Nice to meet you as well!  (Rubs hands together briskly) So!  Are they treating you all right?  Flight, hotel, this place – everything good so far?

Fan: (Still not looking Celebrity in the eye) Oh yes, everything has been lovely, thank you.

Celebrity: Perfect!  (Checks a watch) Well, we’ve got almost an hour before we need to get to our seats for the main event, so until then, I’m all yours!

Fan: (In a small voice) Yay….

Celebrity: (To one member of the entourage) Could you bring us some waters and snacks, please?  (The entourage member nods and leaves; Celebrity turns back to Fan and gestures to a couch) Let’s have a seat, shall we?

Fan: Sure….

(They sit on opposite ends of the small couch; Celebrity leans against the back as Fan sits stiffly straight; the rest of the entourage mills about on phones or chat with each other in chairs while security personnel station themselves by the couch and door)

Celebrity: So!  This your first time in New York City?

Fan: (Staring at the floor) No.

Celebrity: Ah.

Fan: (Looks at a wall near Celebrity’s head) I’ve been here a few times, to see shows and… the Library and… all that.

Celebrity: Oh, how nice!  I’ve been here before too, but always for film premieres so I never get to do much else.

Fan: Oh, that… stinks.

Celebrity: A little, but one of these days I’m sure I’ll get to be an actual tourist and see a show or… the Library.

Fan: Yeah.

Celebrity: …So!  What are your feelings about the film?

Fan: Um…..

Celebrity: I know: words can’t begin to describe the anticipation we all feel about it!  I really think this is the best work I’ve ever done, to be honest – (Leans toward Fan confidentially) I’ve been told that I may need to start the ol’ campaign once the film’s officially released, which is, you know, pretty flattering.  (Leans back, smiling excitedly)

Fan: (Brow furrowed in confusion, finally looks at Celebrity) Campaign… for office?

Celebrity: Awards.

Fan: Oh!  Right… yeah, I’m sure you’ll be nominated for all of them after this.

Celebrity: (Laughs self-deprecatingly) Well, who knows, right?  Either way, I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little nervous for today, especially how all the… well, you know… mature scenes will be received.

Fan: (Back to staring at the floor) Oh, I bet.

Celebrity: It’s funny, I’ve been in this business for decades, I’ve done all sorts of roles in all sorts of films, but the moment word gets out that I’m doing nudity for the first time, everyone loses their minds and reverts back to me being a kid again!  “Oh, little ------, is he trying to convince us he’s a big boy now?”  I’m in my 30s, for crying out loud!

Fan: (Wipes a sweaty temple) Mm-hm.

Celebrity: If I want to expose myself to the entire world, then by golly, I think I’ve earned the right to do so at this point in my career!  In fact, I think I’m long overdue!

Fan: (Examining a nonexistent hangnail) Yep.

Celebrity: (Stares at Fan for a moment, then suddenly scootches a little closer on the couch) Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize – does all that actually make you uncomfortable?

Fan: (Nods rapidly while looking back at the floor) A tad.  I was an adult when I saw your very first film, so this is all a bit… awkward for me.

Celebrity: Oh my.  I never thought about it that way; I thought everyone was just being stuck-up prudes.

Fan: There’s some of that in this, too.

Celebrity: Wow.  (Entourage member returns with water bottles and granola bars and hands them to Celebrity and Fan) Thanks.

Fan: Thank you.  (Immediately gulps down the water)

Celebrity: (To Fan) But you understand why I did those scenes in the film, right?  They’re not gratuitous, or for some cheap thrill – they are absolutely vital for the character I’m playing.

Fan: (After another gulp) I’m sure they are.

Celebrity: (Starts gesturing emphatically) It’ll all become clear when you see the entire work: the character’s arc, the progression from degradation into further and further depravity, the cinematography, the musical score, the sound effects – they all lead to these scenes of extreme joy, or extreme melancholy, depending on your interpretation.

Fan: I know, it’s just… (Looks at Celebrity again) Did you have to be completely naked to convey all that?!

Celebrity: (Blinks) Yes.  It’s all in the service of the art we’re creating here.  That’s the character’s ultimate transformation: (Leans in intensely) he bares his soul when he bares it all.

Fan: (Tries to smile, and nods) Got it.  (Finishes off the water)

Celebrity: (Leans back against the couch and smiles again) I’m glad.  Can’t wait until we see it all together!  But not “in the altogether,” am-I-right?  (Laughs nervously)

Fan: (Rips into the granola bar and bites off half of it) Yep, can’t wait. 

ONE HOUR LATER

(In the auditorium, Fan and Celebrity sit together in the front row, enraptured by the film)

Celebrity: (Leans over to whisper in Fan’s ear) What do you think so far?

Fan: (Not looking away from the screen, whispers back) It’s… really good.  You did a great job, and so did everyone else involved with this.  It’s absolutely mesmerizing.

Celebrity: (Blushes) Aw, thank you!  There’s no “I” in “Team”!  (They watch the film for a few more moments) Just wanted to let you know the first of those scenes is coming up now.

Fan: (Still watching the screen) Hm?  (The soundtrack changes the mood, along with the scene) Oh – oh my –

Celebrity: (Almost giddy while watching the screen) So nervous!

Fan: (As the scene progresses, tilts head down slightly and holds one hand perpendicular to the forehead) Um-hm.

Celebrity: (Looks over to Fan and whispers sharply) What are you doing?!  You can’t miss this now – I did six months of squats to get those glutes!

Fan: (Nods while still not looking up) And I can imagine that they were worth it.  (Actors on screen start getting more vocal) Hmmmmm…..

Audience Members: (Sitting behind Fan) Sssshhhh!!

Fan: (Whispers back without looking up) Sorry.  (Sinks lower in the seat)

Celebrity: (Disappointedly whispers to Fan) Well, you can bring yourself to watch the screen again, the scene’s over now – I’ll warn you when the other ones come up.

Fan: (Resumes previous upright position) Thanks – you’re a pal. 

TWO HOURS LATER 

(The lights in the auditorium come back on as the film ends and the audience members give a standing ovation; Celebrity, cast members, and other filmmakers in the first few rows stand to smile and wave at everyone, then sit back down as the director and producers approach the stage to give a speech)

Fan: (To Celebrity as the audience members also sit back down, most still applauding) I have to say, that was incredible!

Celebrity: (Smiles in relief) You really think so?

Fan: Yes!  You were right, I think this is the best work you’ve ever done!  And the other actors and the crew all were great – if the movie doesn’t get at least one award next season, then the whole thing’s a sham.

Celebrity: Wow, thank you so much!  It is extremely reassuring to hear such complimentary feedback; I appreciate it greatly, and I’ll let the others know, too!

Fan: (Smiling) Cool, thanks!

Celebrity: (Facing the stage again while the remaining applause fades out in anticipation of the speeches) And by the way, I have to say, you also were right.

Fan: (Also facing the stage again) Hm?  How so?

Celebrity: …Could’ve done without the nudity.

Story 591: The Downsides of Dating a Celebrity

 [Disclaimer: This is definitely not inspired by a true story; just a “What If?”]

(At a happening club in a major city, Fan and Friend stand on the fringes of a packed dance floor, taking in the frenetically swaying crowd, the dim swirling lights, and the pulse-pounding music)

Fan: (Looking like a typical nerd with glasses, ponytail, and non-club clothing; yells in Friend’s ear to be heard) I can’t believe I’m really here!  Thank you so much for inviting me to come along – this is gonna be the best night of my life!

Friend: (Dressed for the nightlife; sips from a drink before yelling back) No sweat!  Who knew working hundreds of hours as an unpaid intern in a dead-end career would mildly pay off, so I figured, share the joy when I can, know-what-I-mean?

Fan: Yes, this is awesome!  I never get to go anywhere exciting like this – it’s so much fun!

Friend: Yeah, and on top of that you may get to finally meet your #1 celebrity crush any minute now!  (Checks watch) Yep, he’s late as usual – he thinks it adds to his allure, but then he winds up getting stuck in traffic and it just makes him even later!

Fan: Oh yeah, that!  It’ll be nice just to see him sort-of in-person across the room, late or not!  Who knows, maybe he’ll even see me wave!

Friend: Oh yes, please do restrain yourself!  (They both laugh) Seriously though, I can try to get you close enough for an autograph, and you might even get to say “Hi” if you’re lucky!

Fan: Oh, thanks, but I don’t think I’m brave enough for that!  I’d probably stutter even on the one word!

Friend: Yeah, he has that effect on pretty much everyone these days!  I still can’t see it myself: he’s always been polite the few times we’ve interacted, but other than good looks and charm and that certain something, I really don’t get the appeal!  (Takes another sip)

Fan: I can’t explain it either – (Eyes suddenly widening in glee, she starts moderately hopping up-and-down and pointing at the club entrance while grasping Friend’s shoulder with the other hand; the clubgoers all go bonkers in that direction) Ooh!  Ooh!  There he is, he’s here!

(The clubgoers swam toward the entrance as Celebrity arrives with an entourage; security staff members manage the crowd as the group makes its way through the club)

Celebrity: (Wearing sunglasses and smiling broadly at everyone, shaking random hands and scribbling autographs on held-out photos, T-shirts, and cocktail napkins) Hello everyone!  Hi!  Yes!  Thank you!  Great to see you all!  I failed penmanship in school but no one cares!  This is the best party ever!

Clubgoer: (Toward the back of the crowd) I LOVE YOU!

Celebrity: Yes, I love you all, too!  (The crowd roars in happiness) Now: let’s boogie all!  Night!  Long!  (Dances surrounded by cheering clubgoers as security staff members run interference)

Friend: (To Fan) You sure you don’t want to try getting a little closer?  You just might be able to see the perspiration, and maybe even hear the hyperventilation!

Fan: (With hands clasped in front of her chest, watching Celebrity in muted awe) No, thank you!  This is enough.

Friend: Whelp, at least we got in for free, if nothing else!  (Finishes the drink and gestures at a passing server to request another one) I’ll be right back – need a refill!

Fan: (Nods without looking away from Celebrity) Uh-huh; have fun!

Friend: …Yeah, OK!  (Follows server to get a new drink)

(During the ongoing dance, Fan continues to watch Celebrity with a soft smile on her face.  In mid-move, Celebrity spins around and suddenly freezes on seeing Fan.  He whips off his sunglasses as he and Fan lock eyes for several long moments while time briefly stops for both.  They stare at each other in a perfect moment as the club disappears around them, until Celebrity pockets the sunglasses and urgently makes his way through the crowd to Fan, with security staff members flanking him)

Fan: (In a small voice as Celebrity quickly approaches) Is he actually coming this way…?  (Lowers hands)

Celebrity: (Stops breathlessly in front of Fan) Hi!

Fan: (Squeaks out) Hi!

Celebrity: I’m ------!

Fan: (Beaming brightly as security staff members unobtrusively run a metal detector wand around her and scan her face and fingerprints to run a background check) Yes, I know!  I’m --------!

Celebrity: (Appearing amazed) It’s really you, then!

Fan: (Looks uncertainly from side-to-side, still smiling at Celebrity) It sure is!

Celebrity: (Shakes head quickly to clear it) I mean, it’s you: The One I’ve Been Waiting For All My Life!

Fan: Oh, right!  (Laughs nervously, then stops smiling) For real?

Celebrity: (Smiling ecstatically) Yes!  I knew I would know the moment I saw you that you were The One, and here you are at last, after all my years of loneliness and searching!

Fan: (Starts smiling again) Oh!  Yes, well, here I am!  It’s so nice to meet you!  In person, that is – of course I’ve seen all your movies and that one TV show you did when you were a teenager!  Not that I’m obsessed or anything!  (Holds her arms straight out as a security staff member gives her a brief pat down)  Anyway, nice to meet you, in real life!

Celebrity: Oh, --------!  (Laughs, then leans in intensely) This is more than nice.

Fan: (Almost hypnotized by the stare) Wow.

(Security staff members give thumbs-up to Celebrity, who barely notices)

Celebrity: (Holds out a hand to Fan) Shall we waltz?

Fan: (Taking his hand) Oh, well actually, this music seems to be more of the mosh-pit variety –

Celebrity: (Chuckles, sweeping Fan out onto the dance floor and then pulling her in close) I’m sure there’s an orchestra playing somewhere.

Fan: Oh my.

(Oblivious to the high-decibel instrumentation and the confused and jealous clubgoers all around them, Celebrity and Fan stare deeply into each other’s eyes as the sway and somewhat dance to the music in their heads; both mentally latch onto “The Blue Danube” since that is the only waltz they know.  The clubgoers eventually go back to dancing or filming the two as security staff members follow them around the dance floor to maintain a perimeter of semi-privacy.  Celebrity and Fan dance for a few minutes of imaginary paradise, smiling wider and wider with each passing moment.  Eventually, they gradually slow down to a stop, and then there is that hesitation which just may lead to a kiss….)

Celebrity: So, I’m flying out to Paris in the morning.

Fan: (Shakes herself out of the reverie) Oh.  Really?

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s this new movie I’m working on; you probably heard about it by now – one of those blockbusters that takes place in about 20 different counties, so we all have to actually go out and film in 20 different countries; that whole thing.

Fan: Oh, my.

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s a real drag.  (Shakes hair in emphasis on the last two words) I mean, in this day and age, we’ve got CGI, we’ve got stock footage, we’ve got sets – no one would ever really know we’re not really saying our lines in Rome or Fiji or Tokyo or wherever, you know?

Fan: Tokyo?

Celebrity: Yeah, but it’s all part of the gig, I get it – we all gotta do our part and make the sacrifice for our job – art! – or whatever, right?

Fan: Oh yes, make the sacrifice….

Celebrity: (Takes Fan’s hand again and gazes intensely into her eyes once more) Anyway, what I wanted to ask, my darling –

Fan: (Leans in, almost swooning) Yes?

Celebrity: Would you like to… tag along?

Fan: …What?

Celebrity: I’m sure I could smuggle you onto the payroll as another “assistant” – (Does the air quotes) the world would know the truth, but there’s nothing they could do about it and we wouldn’t care about them, would we, my angel?

Fan: Um… well….

Celebrity: (Briefly sweeps away dramatically) Oh yes, I’m sure you have… family, or… a job, or… something, BUT – (Leans in closer for emphasis) when the Universe finally has the chips falling our way, do you really want to walk away without opening that door, hm?

Fan: (Confused by the mixed metaphors) Um….

Celebrity: (Suddenly concerned) Your passport’s in order and everything, right?  (Fan nods her head) No criminal record that I should know about, right?  (Fan shakes her head) Great!  (Now holding Fan’s hand with both of his own) Say you’ll come with, my dearest, my love, my soul’s other half!  I don’t think I could bear being parted from you for even a day – I don’t care what everyone says, video conferencing isn’t the same, it just isn’t!

Fan: (Looks up to think) Well….

Celebrity: (Falls to his knees) Yes?

Fan: (Looks back down at Celebrity) Well… if this is Fate, then I’m all in!

Celebrity: Yes!  (Stands back up and hugs Fan, lifting her up to spin her around then sets her back down) I’ll call my agent to book everything for you now!  (Slightly turns away to pull out a cellphone and makes the call)

Fan: (Smiling in bliss, turns around and sees Friend) Oh.  Hi there!

Friend: (Holding a new drink and staring at Fan in disbelief) Yeah… hi... what was that all about?

Fan: (Comes a few steps closer) So, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m going to Paris tomorrow, hee-hee-hee!

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: With ------ -----!  (Almost squeals in delight)

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: Ooh, are you gonna be there, too?!  That would be great if we could all go together, it’d be so much fun!

Friend: No, the nonexistent budget for my position doesn’t cover international film shoots; I just work in the local office.

Fan: Aw, too bad.  I’ll make sure to write you, though!

Friend: Yeah, about that: do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?!

Fan: …A plane?

Friend: No, doofus: you’re going to another country with a stranger!  And not just any stranger – a stranger whose every move is followed by the entire world!

Fan: Pff, he’s not a stranger, he’s ------ -----; everyone knows him, and no real dirt’s been turned up on him – yet.

Friend: Yeah, but you don’t know him, not really!  You literally just met him tonight, and this is all his – (Sweeps arms in the general direction of Celebrity) Public Persona, carefully cultivated and maintained for years to the point where he can’t turn it off anymore!  Even I’ve never seen him just be himself, and I’ve worked with him for months!

Fan: Well, it turns out that he’s my The One, and I’m his The One, and neither you nor any of our inevitable naysayers can do anything to thwart our love!

Friend: Love?!  Does he even know your name?!

Fan: Of course he – !  (Thinks for a few moments) Yes!  Yes, I told him!  (Quietly to self) Whew.

Friend: Oh, well, that’s a relief; for a moment there I was worried, but now I know everything will go swimmingly!

Fan: You’re just jealous!

Friend: Of what, the disaster you’re setting yourselves up for, or the paparazzi who’ll be your new best friends?!

Fan: Of OUR LOVE!

Friend: You know, I think you both actually believe that’s what this is.

Fan: (Raises head in injured dignity) One day, you’ll regret everything you’ve said here after we’ve shown how wrong you are, you –

Celebrity: (Holding the phone against his shoulder) `Scuse me, hon – (Fan turns to Celebrity) sorry to interrupt, but my agent’s ordering the plane ticket now and is asking: how do you spell your name?

Fan: (Icily turns back to Friend) I’ll be back in a minute.  If you’re gone by the time we’re done, I’ll make sure to find a spare moment to call you from France.  (Turns back to Celebrity and they walk away from Friend, arms around each other’s shoulders and heads touching)

Friend: (Sarcastically shouting after them) Yeah, yeah – say “Hi” to the Eiffel Tower for me!

THREE MONTHS LATER

(A large crowd has gathered at the front entrance of a hospital, with police and security officers maintaining control.  Their volume and activity increase when a car parks in the employee lot and Fan emerges, hurrying through with officers’ assistance as photos are taken, signs are shaken, and questions are shouted at her)

Crowd Member 1: --------!  Is it true you and ------ ----- secretly got married while he was filming in Reykjavík this year?!

Crowd Member 2: -------!  Is it true that you’re secretly pregnant with ------ -----‘s decuplets?!

Fan: (Turns slightly at that one while still walking) What?!  Is that even physically possible?

Crowd Member 3: --------!  Is it true you were abducted by extraterrestrials 10 years ago and now are trying to get ------ ----- abducted as well?!

Fan: (Not turning back) I can’t believe that one’s still going around.

Crowd Member 4: Will you be his quote-unquote assistant forever?!

Crowd Member 5: What about the fraud charges he’s currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 6: What about the fraud charges you also may be currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 7: Does your “D” in high school Chemistry affect his estimation of you as a suitable life partner?!

Crowd Member 8: Does he know about that shoplifting incident when you were 7?!

Crowd Member 9: Do you know about his shoplifting incident when he was 27?!

Crowd Member 10: Do you know he has a step-father?!

Crowd Member 11: Does he know you have a half-sister?!

Crowd Member 12: Do you know that he may have a love child or children?!

Crowd Member 13: Do you have a love child?!

Crowd Member 14: Are you his love child?!

Fan: (Stops at the hospital’s front doors, then slowly turns around to face the crowd) Listen: I’ve put up with being followed all around the world, and then at the grocery store and while getting a haircut when I got back home, but today is my first day back at work after being on leave, so if you’ll excuse me, I have to go in there and save some lives today!

Crowd Member 15: Ha!  We all know you’re just an administrative assistant!

Fan: Rude.

Crowd Member 16: (To Crowd Member 15) Yeah, she’s on the front lines with everyone else there – she’s a healthcare hero!

Fan: (Smooths hair back a bit) Well, I wouldn’t say “hero” exactly –

Crowd Member 15: (To Crowd Member 16) She’s at the back of the front lines and supports the actual heroes!  She’s got borrowed glory!

Crowd Member 16: She provides vital support, which is more than you’ve ever done with your life!

(They start whacking each other with their signs; the rest of the crowd joins in the fray as Fan rushes into the hospital and up to her department’s office)

Manager: (Seated at a desk, looks up from a computer as Fan hurries in through the door) Hey, look who’s back!  I thought you said you were coming in next week?

Fan: (Dumping personal bags onto a dusty desk) Yeah, well, I was hoping to head off the crowds, but I forgot they know everything about everyone so that failed spectacularly.

Manager: (Goes over to a window and peers down at the front entrance of the building) Ooh, yeah, see what you mean.

Fan: (Sits at the desk and starts up the computer as Manager returns to the other desk) So, thanks again for letting me take all this time off with… no real notice.

Manager: Not at all!  You had a lot of vacation time backed up, and we managed; this also has been the most exciting thing to happen here in years, so I do expect to hear all about it at some point.

Fan: (Smiles) I’ll type up a report just for you.

Manager: (Starts typing) Awesome.  Also, I’d already sent a memo out to the team that they’d better leave you alone when you came back, so I’ll just send a notice that it’s effective immediately instead of next Monday.

Fan: (Looks over at a door with a window, sees team members standing on the other side smiling and waving, and smiles and waves back) Thanks – appreciate it.

Manager: (After sending the e-mail, goes to Fan’s desk as the latter wipes down the computer) Sooo….

Fan: (Looks up at Manager) Yep?

Manager: (Trying to contain excitement) What was it like?!

Fan: What, the professional and amateur stalking or the permanent jet lag?

Manager: Well, those, and, you know – (Sits on the edge of the desk) finding out your celebrity crush was also your soulmate?

Fan: Oh.  That.  Not all it’s cracked up to be.  (Picks up the ringing desk phone)

Manager: (Goes back to desk) Oh.  No hope for the rest of us, then.

Fan: Laboratory, this is --------, how may I help you?

Crowd Member 17: (On the phone) Is it true you work there just to get ------ ----- a regular blood supply so that he can remain forever young?!  (Fan hangs up the phone)

Manager: Did you at least have fun visiting all those different countries?

Fan: (Scrolls through thousands of unread e-mails) Yes, those were all great, everyone who wasn’t harassing us was lovely.  (Turns to Manager) You know when you want something so badly for so long, and then one day you improbably get it, but then it turns out to be not as fulfilling as you’d dreamed it would be?

Manager: (Nods) Every day.

Fan: (Hears her cell phone ringing, then checks the caller ID and slumps) Oh no.

Manager: Ooh, is it him?

Fan: (Reaches toward the screen) I’ll call back later –

Manager: No-no-no, answer it now – use the break room, it’s empty and I won’t let anyone in!  Or listen.  (Puts on a pair of headphones)

Fan: (Stands and goes to the break room) Thanks a lot, really.  (Enters and closes the door)

Manager: (Returns to working on the computer) Sometimes, I wish I was nosy.

Fan: (Answers the call, tiredly) Hi!

Celebrity: (On a sound stage; film crew members and actors bustle all around him) Hi!  How’s your first day back at the old salt mines, heh-heh-heh?

Fan: Well, I just realized that I forgot to put on an away message, but I think everyone figured it out after the first few weeks.

Celebrity Ugh, work e-mail, what a drag, am-I-right?

Fan: …Yeah.

Celebrity: So, sorry to bother you with this while you’re doing work things, but I didn’t want to forget later: I know I said I was going to take you out for your birthday this week, and finally meet your parents and all that home stuff –

Fan: (Gritted teeth) Yes?

Celebrity: BUT, turns out my P.R. people added another stop on the obligatory press junket, so now I have to be a guest on yet another late-night show that same day, and since it’s a three-hour flight both ways –

Fan: I got it.  Maybe next week, then.

Celebrity: Yeah, that’s the thing: we’re starting rehearsals on my next film on Monday, and it’s also tech week for my Broadway debut, and both productions so kindly rearranged their schedules so I could do each, and my current film’s wrapping up production today but the studio’s threatening reshoots and you know how that goes –

Fan: (Briefly closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose) Fine, forget the birthday.

Celebrity: You sure?  I always forget mine, so I’m never certain how other people feel about theirs.

Fan: …So when do you think we can meet up again?

Celebrity: Hold on, let me check – (Scrolls through his phone for a few moments, then gets back on the call) Great: I have a few hours open on February 25!

Fan: (Stares out blankly) February 25.

Celebrity: Uh-huh!

Fan: Of next year.

Celebrity: …Uh-huh!  Want me to put it on the calendar so I don’t accidentally book something else in the meantime?

Fan: …No, I think I’ll pass.

Celebrity: Oh.  Maybe March, then?

Fan: You know, after the first day of our… relationship, I barely saw you for more than five minutes at a time, and we were always rushing off somewhere to do something that we never really got to know each other, you know?

Celebrity: What’s there to know?  We’re each other’s The One!

Fan: Yeah, that’s fine for a hot minute, but I need something more substantial for the rest of my life.  Plus it’s a bit hard to connect with you when everyone else is trying to connect with you, too – I should know, since I was one of those “everyone else.”

Celebrity: Bah, I hardly notice them anymore now that you’re here!  (Fan double-takes) And I know, I’m sorry I’m all work-work-work lately – my life didn’t used to be like that until I made it big, and now I’ve got all these projects going on that I can’t pass up opportunities or else they’ll stop coming and then I’ll never be able to find work in the business again, but everything’ll slow down in a few decades, I promise!

Fan: OK.

Celebrity: OK?

Fan: Yes – call me when everything’s slowed down in a few decades, OK?

Celebrity: (Crestfallen) Oh.

Fan: But don’t worry: I’m sure you’ll find someone right away who’ll have your love children or just go out on dates or whatever in your extremely limited spare time.

Celebrity: You were the first person I ever dated!

Fan: No way, really?

Celebrity: Yes!  I’m sure you remember I used to say in all my interviews that I was waiting for The One, and I was, and The One was you!

Fan: Oh.  I thought you exaggerating to look adorable.

Celebrity: I would never!

Fan: Oh.  Well, that’s flattering.  I guess, then… think of this as a learning experience.

Celebrity: Wait, is that it, then?  We’re going to scorn the Will of Fate, and never see each other ever again for the rest of our lives?!

Fan: Well, I’ll certainly see you on the big screen, buddy!

Celebrity: (Sadly) And I’ll see you in my dreams.  (Ends the call and slowly sits on the floor, staring out into the distance)

Fan: (Looks at the phone’s screen and sees the disconnected call) Aw, why’d he have to go and say a thing like that?  (Goes back into the office and sits at her desk)

Manager: (Removes the headphones) So?  Everything good?

Fan: No, actually: we just broke up.

Manager: What?!  Really?!  Maybe it’s not so final – maybe you two just need a little break from all the whirlwind you’ve been through, that’s all.

Fan: Our entire time together was pretty much a break: I basically followed him around and we occasionally got to eat at the same table in a restaurant or have our picture taken next to each other for five seconds.

Manager: Oh.  So pretty much most of the cons and few of the pros of being a celebrity, huh?

Fan: Pretty much.

Manager: Who knows: maybe he’ll try to win you back or something.

Fan: (Hears noises outside and goes to the window to see that the crowd in front of the hospital is leaving) Nope – the public has decreed that it’s over, so it must be over then.

Manager: They’re gone?  Good – for you, and, on a selfish note, some corporate VPs are coming for our quarterly meeting today, so them seeing that mess out front would’ve been really embarrassing.

Fan: That meeting’s today?  Oops.  (Her cell phone rings again)

Manager: (Puts the headphones back on) Take it – hardly any work is getting done here right now, so I’m just rolling with it.

Fan: Thanks.  (Checks the caller ID, raises an eyebrow, and goes back into the break room but does not bother closing the door) Hey!

Friend: (Seated at a desk in an office) Hey: I heard you and ------ ----- just broke up.

Fan: Of course; the whole world has heard by now, I suppose.

Friend: You suppose correctly.  Sorry to hear it.

Fan: Really?  I thought you saw the whole thing as stupid and fake.

Friend: I did, but I’m still sorry you had to go through all that and still not get the guy in the end or whatever.

Fan: Thank you.  It really is all for the best, though.

Friend: So he wasn’t The One after all that, huh.

Fan: It seems not, but at the time I could have sworn he was.  It’s strange: I had liked him from afar for so long, but your opinion of someone really does change once you see their personal hygiene habits.  Also, when you hardly see them at all, it makes you wonder: what’s the point?

Friend: And that’s why I willingly remain single to this day.

Fan: Yeah.  And on top of everything else, I don’t think I can ever watch him on-screen in the same way again after this.  Lesson learned, I guess.

Friend: So I take it that if you had to do it all over again, you would’ve turned him down and avoided the drama and heartache?

Fan: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Story 581: Covering Up Your Celebrity Crush

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit at a café table with their hot drinks and sugary snacks)

Friend 1: (After a gulp of still-too-hot tea) I can’t believe I missed St. Patrick’s Day this year.

Friend 2: (Takes the time to bite into a muffin and enjoy it before answering) Why?  It’s not like you ever go to any of the parades or excessively drink liquor or eat all the corned beef.

Friend 1: I know, but I forgot to get Irish soda bread and now none’ll be in stores for another 360 days, and I miss it.

Friend 2: You could always make it yourself.

(They stare at each other for a moment before bursting out into hysterical laughter)

Friend 1: (Wipes away tears) Ho-ho, that was a good one.

Friend 2: Yeah, sometimes I even crack myself up.  (Briefly checks a cell phone alert) Oh, I see I almost forgot, but my daily movie rewards membership notice made sure to remind me: that film you really want to see is coming out next week, so if you like I’ll get us tickets over the weekend and we can go Tuesday night around 7 or something.

Friend 1: (In mid-bite, confused) What movie I really want to see?

Friend 2: When Stars and Spaceships Collide.  It’s finally coming out this weekend, after getting delayed for a year with the strikes and the director holding the final cut for ransom and all that.

Friend 1: (Finishes the bite) Oh, that movie.  (Shrugs overly casually) Yeah, it sounded interesting but what makes you think I really want to see it?

Friend 2: Well, maybe not so much want to see it as want to see lead actor Chad Burlyman.  (Friend 1 stares back) Your celebrity crush.

Friend 1: (Starts gobbling more of the snack and talks through a full mouth) Yeah, OK: I do not have a celebrity crush.

Friend 2: Right – you have several, and he’s one of them.

Friend 1: (Gulps down the snack and almost chokes) Listen: I had celebrity crushes in grade school, but I have since matured, and now I respect people strictly for their talent and hard work.

Friend 2: And you think he’s cute.

Friend 1: Ugh, “cute” is such a juvenile term.  Babies are cute; this is a full-grown man.

Friend 2: OK, so you think he’s hot.

Friend 1: What, is he on fire?

Friend 2: Fine, you think he’s a stud muffin.

Friend 1: Ew, way to dehumanize a fellow human based on their appearance!  (Friend 2 raises a skeptical eyebrow) Yes, I think he’s handsome, and I admire all the work he clearly puts into those strong-yet-not-intimidating muscles, but that’s all.  (Downs the rest of the tea, burning both mouth and esophagus) Ouch.

Friend 2: So you like him.

Friend 1: Again, that’s extremely grade school, and undervalues his worth as a member of the human race.  Besides, how can I like him; I don’t even know him!  From what little I’ve read in interviews, he seems like a basically decent guy who’s close with his family and works with animal rescue organizations and had wanted to be a doctor but didn’t have the grades for it so fell into acting instead and likes parasailing and snowboarding, that’s it.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: I mean, the whole idea of liking someone you’ve never met is ridiculous anyway: you know all about them, they don’t even know you’re alive; a bit one-sided, don’t you think?

Friend 2: (Finishes cooler drink and nods) Yep: it’s called a parasocial relationship.

Friend 1: Exactly!  Psychosocial non-relationship.

Friend 2: Parasocial.

Friend 1: Same difference.

Friend 2: Whatever.  I know you’re not a creepy stalker so it’s all right if you have a harmless crush on the guy.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if he knew; he’s probably used it and maybe even secretly craves the adoration.

Friend 1: I do not have a crush!  (Customers at other tables momentarily turn to stare at the two; Friend 1 winces and ducks partially under the table, then hisses at Friend 2) I-just-think-he’s-a-good-actor-and-happen-to-like-every-movie-I’ve-seen-him-in-OK?!

Friend 2: Hey, it’s fine to go to a movie just to see one person – we’ve all done it.  Remember that year I had to rent the entire back catalog of ----- --------s movies because I was so in luuuuuuv with him?

Friend 1: (Sitting back up straight) Oh yeah – I think the video store almost banned you for that stunt.

Friend 2: That they almost did.  Totally worth it, though.

Friend 1: Well, you were still a teenager back then, and I’m not “in luuuuuuv” with Chad Burlyman – I haven’t even seen all his movies and TV shows and voiceover roles, so there!

Friend 2: You dragged me to see him do Hamlet when it was playing around here, and you hate Shakespeare.

Friend 1: And like I told you then, it was a once-in-a-lifetime cultural experience we would have regretted forever if we’d missed it!

Friend 2: Sure.  I didn’t bring it up at the time, but I just had to now since it’s fun watching you double down on your denial.

Friend 1: (Daintily wipes mouth with a napkin, crumbles it up, and throws it onto the table) This has become tiresome.  I will not continue defending myself against erroneous charges that I feel affection for a famous stranger more than is proper and/or healthy.            

Friend 2: Fine – guess we’re skipping the movie then, if you don’t really care.

Friend 1: …Now, hold on: when did I ever say that?

Friend 2: Well, if you don’t like this guy as much as you claim you don’t, then it won’t bother you to skip the movie.

Friend 1: But – but – maybe I want to see the movie regardless who’s in it, hm?

Friend 2: You told me all the reviews said it was unimaginably awful and should never have been made in the first place!

Friend 1: Yes, well, I prefer to make up my own mind instead of following the sheeple, I-thank-you!  And actually, it sounds like you’re the one who doesn’t want to see the movie, so maybe you should skip it, ha!

Friend 2: No way – I never miss a Chad Burlyman film, he’s the absolute cutest.

Story 515: Fame Without Celebrity

             (In a lecture hall at a convention center, a session begins that will feature the stars of an upcoming blockbuster film)

Director: (Standing on a stage next to a long table with microphones and nameplates at intervals for each chair and addressing the audience) Hello, nerds!

Audience: (Applauding wildly) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: Thank you for spending your hard-earned or nonexistent money to come here today and listen to us tease a movie that’ll premier at least a year from now, if we’re lucky.

Audience: (Applauding wildly again) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: And now, without further ado, here are the stars you’ve all come to see!  (Flings out the arm not holding the microphone toward stage left, where several actors enter smiling and waving at the audience and then sit at table with their matching nameplate)

Audience: (Now standing while applauding wildly) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

(One actor, whose chair is at the exact center of the table, enters last wearing a cap with his head tucked down and not smiling or waving as he zooms straight to the seat and sits in a slouch, hands folded in his lap and not looking up)

Director: (Smiling fondly at the group) My shining film family: what a journey we’ve taken, what adventures we’ve shared, what stories we have to tell.  Forever friendships made through our shared journey… (Almost all the actors at the table nod in agreement) that’ll end with us probably never seeing each other again after we finish the publicity tour.  Now – (To the audience) where’s our first question for our lil’ gang here?  (Sees a crew member bring a microphone to an audience member) Yes, you first – hi!

Audience Member 1: Hi!  (Points to the actor seated at the center of the table) My question is for Chad right there, who seems to be hiding from us; hiiiiiii Chaaaaad!

Chad: (Lifts head up slightly) Hi.  (Heads goes back down)

Audience Member 1: So, my question is, how does it feel to be suddenly thrust into superstardom when you landed the lead role in this humongous film that millions of fans of the franchise have been begging to see for literally decades?!

Audience: Squeeeeeee!!!!!

Chad: (Looks up slightly) How… does it feel?

Audience Member 1: Yes, especially since you’ve been in the industry for a while in only supporting roles, and now, all at once, you are IT!

Director: (Applauding with the audience and co-stars) Yeah, Chad!  I had final say on casting him, by the way.

Chad: (Thinks for a few moments) Well… it feels....

Director: (As the moments stretch into uncomfortable silence) Pretty cool, I bet, right?

Audience: Ahahahahahaha!

Chad: Actually, the whole thing kind of stinks.

Audience: Ahahaha – ha?

Chad: (Leans forward to speak more into the table microphone) I mean, I liked my career – my life – the way it was: it was steady work and I could go out and do pretty much whatever I wanted.  When I got this role, I figured, “Sure, whatever, bump in pay, right?”  Little did I know, I was signing an invisible contract that meant life as I knew it was now over!

Director: Heh-heh; oh Chad, we all know the perils of fame –

Chad: (To Director) Do we?!  I only auditioned for the part because my now-former agent swore to me that the film’s budget was so big it would never see the light of day, and this just would keep me employed until the next Broadway audition season started!

Director: Uh, Chad, maybe don’t mention the budget –

Chad: (Back to Audience Member 1) You know, no one tells you that when you’re the so-called “star” that everyone else in the world now thinks they own you!  People somehow found out where I live and now camp on my front lawn regularly, stealing my mail even when I locked the box, following me when I go food shopping, coming up to me while I’m running on park trails demanding a copy of my chicken-scratch signature which I can’t even read, and asking while I’m at the dentist’s office about how I live and feel as if I was this character when – hate to burst your bubble – I never read any of the source material this dude’s based on!

Audience: (Collectively) <GASP!>

Director: Maybe we should hear from some of your co-stars now –

Chad: (Grabs the table microphone and stands) And another thing: I don’t appreciate having my entire life scrutinized from birth, or my family and friends harassed for details on everything I’ve ever done, or my dating life now ruined because I can’t trust that anyone I may be interested in isn’t actually an undercover stalker!

Audience Member 2: (Stands up at the back of the hall) I LOVE YOU, CHAD!

Chad: (Gestures vaguely in that unseen direction) See?!  See?!  How can you say that?!  I don’t know you!  You don’t know me!  I could be a jerk and you could be a psychopath!

Audience Member 2: YOU ARE SO WISE!  I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE NOW!

Chad: (Back to the general audience, holding the microphone in both hands) I just want to walk down the street in peace again!  Can’t you all just let me walk down the street in peace again?!

Director: (Yanks the microphone out of Chad’s hands and turns back to the audience) Let’s hear it for Chad’s wholehearted dedication to the craft!  (Audience applauds politely)

Audience Member 1: (Hands the microphone back to the crew member and sits) I guess I’m done, then.

Chad: (Sits back on the chair and lowers his head onto his arms on the table; muffled) I don’t even get the rest of my pay until after the film’s released!

Director: So!  Let’s have another question from the audience!

Audience Member 3: (Stands and is handed the microphone from the same crew member) Hello, my question is for Priya –

Priya: (Had been staring at Chad who is sitting next to her, quietly sobbing; she now sits forward to speak into the table microphone) Yes, hi!

Audience Member 3: You’ve been a superstar yourself for a number of years – have you had all this like Chad, only worse?

Priya: Unfortunately, yes.  (Pats Chad on the shoulder) Hate to say it, kid: even though they’ll take it easier on you than they do me, it only goes downhill from here.  (Chad groans loudly into his arms)

Director: (Mops sweat off brow with an event flyer) Any questions out there related to the actual film?!  Please?!

Audience Member 4: (Stands while looking at a phone display and is given the microphone by the crew member, who had taken it from Audience Member 3) Yeah, I’m reading here that the movie’s release just got cancelled `cause it went way over budget.  Is that true?

Director: (As Chad sits up suddenly) Well, to my knowledge, we are right on track to – (Hears phone buzzing and reads a message) Huh.  (To the actors at the table) Well kiddos, word from above says there’s not going to be a movie now since apparently my vision didn’t match their budget.  I call that them being cheapskates rather than me being unable to deal with finances properly, but the bottom line is disappointment to say the least.

Audience and Most of the Cast: Argghhhh…..

Chad: (Stands with arms raised in triumph and runs out stage left) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (In the ensuing silence) Whelp, at least somebody here got a happy ending out of all this.