Story 525: Be Careful When You Wish for Snow

             (In a townhouse, Resident sits in an armchair staring out the living room window at the bright sunny day and sighs from the bottom of the lungs to the top of the mouth)

Resident: <Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh> I wish we’d have some actual snow this winter.

(A mythologically tiny person pops into view in the middle of the room)

Weather Elf: Your wish is my command!

 Resident: (Leaps out of the chair) Ah!  Demon!  (Grabs a nearby magazine and flings it at Weather Elf, who side-steps out of the way)

Weather Elf: Hey!  But I suppose my appearance was a bit abrupt – would you prefer if I popped outside and knocked on the front door instead?

Resident: (Brandishes a coaster to throw next) What?  No!

Weather Elf: Suit yourself; I’ll just pop over here and relax, then.  (Pops onto the couch and settles in) Got any tea?

Resident: Wha – I – who – you invaded my home, and now you want tea?!  What kind of burglar are you?!

Weather Elf: None, luckily for you, or else this would’ve taken a real nasty turn by now.  I’m a Weather Elf, and you summoned me here – unintentionally, it’s becoming increasingly apparent.  (Resident stares unblinkingly, coaster still raised in the air) Have a seat; we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.  And would you please put that thing down?  I’m clearly not someone who’d be affected by mortal weapons, so you’re only embarrassing yourself.

Resident: (Abashedly sets the coaster back onto a lamp table and sits in the armchair again) All right, then – what do you want?

Weather Elf: Nothing from you: as I said upon my sudden entrance, “Your wish is my command.”  (Does a slight bow while seated, for emphasis) I appropriated that line from the genies, but they’re in the process of obtaining self-emancipation and ultimate retribution so I don’t think they’ll mind too much.  Or notice.

Resident: (Thinking back) Wait, so you heard me wish for snow, and now you’re taking it upon yourself to make it happen?

Weather Elf: Pretty much.  (Nods head at the window) Take a look.

Resident: (Turns to the window and jumps out of the chair again upon seeing that the sunny day is now darkly gray and there are several inches of snow on the ground, with more continuously falling) Whoa!  When did that happen?!

Weather Elf: As soon as I got here, and all the while we’ve been… chatting.

Resident: (Still staring out the window in awe, and now softly smiling at the beauty of the winter wonderland) Wow….

Weather Elf: I know, right?  (Inspects fingernails smugly) Blizzards are my specialty.

Resident: (Snaps out of trance and whips around to face Weather Elf) “Blizzard”?!  No-no-no, I just wanted a little snow!

Weather Elf: (Lowers hand back down and softly sighs in irritation) Not a mind reader, you know.  This area hasn’t had much snow for years, and you clearly stated “actual snow”, which means you wanted a lot of it to make up for lost accumulation.

Resident: Well, yeah, but not a blizzard!  Just one or two inches to cover the grass and trees so they look like a picture postcard!  (Turns back to the window, places both hands on the glass, and leans in to get a better look) Is it a foot already?!

Weather Elf: You betcha!  I figured 18 inches oughta do it.

Resident: (Turns back to Weather Elf) “18 inches”????!!!!

Weather Elf: Uh-huh.  Haven’t seen that around here in almost 30 years, am-I-right?  Should take you straight back to the glory days of your self-absorbed childhood.  (The two stare at each other for a bit) Wanna go sledding?

Resident: No!  This much snow only means the roads’ll be impassable and people’ll probably lose power, and heat!  (Sinks into the chair and covers face with both hands) Oh no, what’ve I done?!  There was so much damage from the flooding and the winds from the random rainstorms last week, and now this!

Weather Elf: (Gets off the couch to walk over to Resident and pat the latter on the shoulder) There, there – no one’s going to lose power in this one, or get any damage, and the roads’ll stay clear so the only accumulation’ll be on the grass and the trees.  The stuff’ll even miraculously stay off the power lines and any other equipment you mortals need to run your daily lives.  Happy?

Resident: (Looks up at Weather Elf and sniffs) Even my car?

Weather Elf: (Glares at Resident) Yes, even all the cars.  It’ll be an inexplicable phenomenon that all the science nerds will spend the next century trying to figure out – but they never will, tee-hee-hee!  (Resident stares blankly at Weather Elf) C’mon, I gotta have some sprinkling of mischief in this.

Resident: Why?

Weather Elf: It’s a compulsion – can’t be helped.  So, can you finally just enjoy this weather event that you longed for, hm?

Resident: (Looks back out the window and is momentarily hypnotized by the steady snowfall and a passing rabbit hopping by in the calm scene) Yes, I think I can.  (Turns back to Weather Elf) Thank you, I really appreciate it.

Weather Elf: Good, since your eternal soul is now MINE.  (Resident’s eyes widen in horror) Had you there for a second.  I love pulling that one: freaks you mortals out every time.

Resident: No kidding.  But seriously, do I owe you some kind of payment now, like seven years of servitude or something like that?

Weather Elf: No, why would you?  You didn’t ask me specifically to do this and we didn’t sign any agreements beforehand, so why would you owe me anything?

Resident: I dunno, I guess because nothing’s ever free, and “Be careful what you wish for,” and these things always come with strings attached and, you know, everything.

Weather Elf: Well – smart, but not applicable in this case.  I really did grant your wish out of the goodness of my heart.

Resident: Aw.

Weather Elf: And I was extremely bored.

Resident: Ah.

Weather Elf: So – we good here?

Resident: Sounds like it, yeah.  Thanks again; this was… nice.

Weather Elf: You’re welcome.  Enjoy the magic of the season you so desperately crave, while it lasts.  (Pops out of view)

Resident: (Turns back to the window, smiling broadly while watching the snow accumulate another six inches on the grass while avoiding the roads and electrical equipment, then furrows brows in thought) Hmmmmm… I wonder if I can call out for a snow day even though I work from home…?

Weather Elf: (Voice) Don’t push it.

Story 510: And the Rains Came

“I love autumn!”

“You do?”

“Oh yes: the colorful leaves, the crisp cool weather, the mums and pumpkins all out on cheerful display – ”

“HA!”

“…I fail to perceive the cause for that outburst.”

“Where have you been the past 20 years?!  We don’t get autumn anymore!”

“We don’t?”

“No!  We get Summer 2.0 and then the Rainy Season, often interchangeably, up to and including winter.”

“But we still get all the stuff I mentioned.”

“Barely!  The leaves don’t noticeably change until November; the weather skips crisp-cool and instead does blazing-freezing; we’re lucky the mums make it to September and the actual start of autumn before they burn up; and the pumpkins are regularly imported due to the rot from the constant rain, rain, rain!”

“Rain’s not all that bad; it’s not as if we have to deal with monsoons every year like some places.”

“You’re right, it isn’t all that bad: the times when it stops once a week and you don’t have to swim to get out of the house, it’s just fine!”

“Well, we’re lucky our area didn’t get hit with the hurricanes this year.”

“That we are; not so lucky are all the other places that did get hit, multiple times.”

“What about the areas suffering from drought and wildfires?”

“All the more reason that it’s so awful we get excess when those places are the ones that need at least their share!”

“I guess.  Still, I like all the decorations that are out for Halloween and autumn in general, those are always fun.”

“When they’re not being swept away down the rising river that used to be the street, sure.”

“All right, so the autumn I’m visualizing is more of the autumn we used to get before the Earth started taking revenge on us; I’ll still enjoy what’s out there, in-between the raindrops.”

“That’s a great attitude, considering the heavens just opened up again for Round 300 and last I heard this downpour won’t end until later in the month at the earliest.”

“Well, it could always be worse.”

“How so?”

“Could be snow.”

Story 369: Wishing the Seasons Away

 (Friends 1 and 2 sit at an outdoor table in 75°F weather; Friend 1 pushes food around the plate with a fork while sighing in various pitches)

Friend 2: (Continues to eat while watching this for a few minutes) You’d better eat that eventually or I’m gonna find someone who will.

Friend 1: Hm? Oh, sorry – just having a minor life-altering existential crisis; I’ll be fine in a minute.

Friend 2: I dread to ask: what now?

Friend 1: I don’t know, everything?

Friend 2: You’re going to have to narrow it down a little.

Friend 1: I guess it’s just, I’m not, you know – in the spirit of the season.

Friend 2: Join the club: everyone else isn’t this year either, or else they’re trying to fake it `til they make it.

Friend 1: Oh.  I didn’t mean that – I’ve felt this way for years.

Friend 2: Ah, so this is just normal for you, then.

Friend 1: Yeah.  You know we haven’t even had real snow for about half a decade?

Friend 2: Don’t get me started on the climate – I’ll never stop.

Friend 1: Yeah, you do go on.  But coming back to my thing, I’ve found in my so-called adult life that I’m rarely in the spirit of any season, ever.

Friend 2: How do you mean?

Friend 1: Well, right now I’m bummed out by night starting at 4:30 in the afternoon and the occasional bouts of polar winds, so I wish we could jump ahead to late spring and midsummer.

Friend 2: OK….

Friend 1: And then when it is late spring and midsummer, I don’t do anything anyway so then I wish it were sort-of-winter again so I can pretend to hibernate while I’m really just indulging my sedentary lifestyle.

Friend 2: …What?

Friend 1: I mean, isn’t it so cozy to curl up with a blanket and hot drink while a blizzard roars right outside your window?

Friend 2: I guess, if you have a good home, but didn’t you just say we don’t really get snow anymore?

Friend 1: My midsummer mind forgets that.

Friend 2: Oh good gourd.

Friend 1: And while we’re roasting in the hot sun and can’t even go out because it’s either oven temperatures or all the good beaches and amusement parks are filled with everyone else in the world, I just wish: wouldn’t it be nice to bundle up for a brisk walk in the snowy woods followed by a good curl-up with a blanket and hot drink while a blizzard roars outside your window?

Friend 2: My head’s spinning with your repetitiveness – why don’t you forget the blizzard and just go bundle up for a walk now?

Friend 1: (Holds up a leg) I’m wearing shorts!  In Northern-Hemisphere December!

Friend 2: All right, forget the bundle-up: how about stop allowing the seasons to dictate your mood and do whatever you want whenever you want?  As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, that is.

Friend 1: (Taps a fry to lip while pondering) You make an excellent point.

Friend 2: I know I do.  Now let’s pay the bill and get out of here – there’re about 50 people hovering over there waiting for a table.

Friend 1: They can have it when I’m good and finished.  For now, I’ll take your advice and live in the moment: tomorrow, I’ll finally fulfill my lifelong dream and go for advanced surfing lessons.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, didn’t realize you were going to go in that direction....

Friend 1: It’s like you said: I should stop letting the weather dictate my mood.  This balmy Winter Solstice, I will be riding the waves and grilling dinner out on the balcony and drinking lemonade and creeping around miniature golf courses, and no store decorations or holiday carolers or religious institutions or consumerist commercials or well-meaning charities will stop my new happiness!

Friend 2: That’s the spirit.