Story 567: How Many People Does It Take to Put Up a Christmas Tree?!

            (In the living room of a house, a large crowd has gathered)

Father: (Standing at one end of the room to address the multitude) All right, folks, it’s time to get serious: we are putting up the Christmas tree today, and this year, we’re doing it right.  (Slices open a large cardboard box filled with tree parts) Now: (Points to the box) tree – (Points to several more boxes on the couch) extra lights – (Points to many, many other boxes piled throughout the room and spilling out into the hallway) ornaments and winter wonderland paraphernalia.  I want everything up and twinkling, sparkling, or otherwise holly-jollying within the afternoon before even the thought of dinner crosses anyone’s frontal lobes.  I will not have a repeat of last year’s debacle, where the so-called “Easy Peasy Twee Tree” that was guaranteed to be up and running in 10 minutes, instead took seven-and-a-half hours, thanks to multiple unauthorized breaks and other shenanigans that will no longer be tolerated.

Child 1: But Dad, the game was on!

Father: (Faces Child 1 with unleashed wrath) I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GAME.

Child 1: (In breathless horror) Heresy….

Father: (Back to the rest of the crowd) This beauty is pre-lit and the extra lights are back-up only, so no excuses that all the strings were tangled or one bulb was burned out, understand?  (The others nod) OK, I think that covers everything: let’s get to it!

(Everyone scatters to assemble the tree and decorate the living room and any other area that can fit a knickknack)

Child 1: (Digging through mounds of tissue-paper-wrapped ornaments in a large container) Can I put the star on top?

Child 2: (Holding the bottom section of the tree as Father attaches the upper layers) Is it a star this year or Santa?

Father: (Finishes attaching the tree parts and moves on to plug the lights into multiple outlets on a cord) Neither: this year we’re putting the light-up angel on top if I can find where to plug it into the other end of this thing.

Cousin: (Holding up a nutcracker soldier) Where does this fella go?

Father: (Stringing garlands around the tree) Anywhere you find an open space!  (Cousin shrugs and plops it onto the dining room table)

Aunt: (Hanging a handmade ornament on a tree branch) Aw, I remember when one of you kids made this in art class; you were so little and cute then, how long ago was that?

Child 2: (Taking ornaments from a box at the top of a ladder) Thirty-six years.

Aunt: ...Well I sure feel old now.

Uncle: (Taps Father on the back and holds up a train engine when the latter turns around) You want me to set up the tracks around the tree; next to the tree; nowhere near the tree; what?

Father: (Adding a string of very old bubble lights around the tree’s center) Those can be set up in the corner where you got the boxes.

Uncle: Got it.  (Goes back to the corner to secretly play with the trains)

Father: (Steps back to observe the others work for a bit) Good-good, but we need to step up the pace if we’re going to get through all these boxes at a decent hour.  (Flips the lid off another one and flings ornaments wrapped in tissue paper onto a nearby armchair)

Neighbor: (Holds up a small box) Want me to start hanging up the candy canes?

Father: (Looks up suddenly) Not now!  They go on at the very end, no matter what!

Neighbor: (Gently sets the box onto a small table) OK.

Father: (Hands over a box from within the larger box) Here: you can hang up the ornaments from in there, but make sure you keep them close together on the tree because it’s a theme.

Neighbor: (Whispers to the box while going to the tree) No pressure….

Mail Carrier: (Holding a smaller box while methodically hanging ornaments on the tree) You know, this takes me back to when I was a wee one –

Father: (Hooks legs halfway up the ladder and dangles upside down to reach a tricky open spot on the tree) LESS YAPPING, MORE DECORATING!

Mail Carrier: Rude.

Priest: (Arranging a tableau of snow families and elves on the coffee table) I feel obligated to ask if there is a nativity scene tucked away in all this… Christmas?

Father: (Still hanging upside down; holds a branch in mid-swing to reach an inner alcove in the tree) Uh, yeah, that.... Sorry, no room at the inn!

Priest: That’s certainly the ultimate irony.

Father: (Manages to slither into the tree and surveys the room from there, moving aside overburdened branches to look; spots a few loafers sitting on the couch) I want every single person in this house putting up decorations at all times until I say we’re finished, do you hear me?!

Mother: (Passing through the living room with a cup of tea and a book; stops in front of the tree and glares at Father’s eyes through the branches) I beg your pardon?

Father: Not you – the outdoor decorations count as time served.

Mother: How generous of you.  (Continues onward to the bedroom to hibernate)

Father: (Sees an empty space inside the tree, reaches an arm out to pluck an ornament from a nearby box, and whispers while hanging it onto the tiny spot on a branch) I have you now.... (Scrambles out of the tree once that is done and checks everyone’s progress) Hold it!  (Everyone freezes while Father walks around the tree and checks the entire surface area, muttering all the while) Over forty years of ornaments; candy canes; extra-extra lights…. (Stops to face the tree from the front) I think the tree… is done.

Fellow Bus Commuter: (Holding up an angel) Wait a minute, what about the angel?

Father: (Gasps in horror) The angel!  (Grabs it out of Fellow Bus Commuter’s hand, frantically climbs the ladder, finds a free plug, attaches it to the angel, and shoves it onto the top of the tree) All right, light it up!  (As Father climbs down the ladder, Child 1 plugs in the main power cord and the tree glows in welcoming warmth; Father stands back and stares at the tree, moved to tears) We did it, we actually did it, it’s done and it’s not even night yet –

Child 2: (Holds up an ornament) Hang on, I just found one more that must’ve fallen out earlier –

Father: I SAID IT’S DONE!

Story 370: All the Ornaments Must Go on the Tree!

 (Sibling 2 walks from the car to the house while carrying a heavy cardboard box and kicks the front door several times)

Sibling 1: (Lazily opens the door) Heeeeeeeey, look who’s breaking and entering!

Sibling 2: Cute – mind if I drop your garbage in there now?  (Holds out the box)

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, sure.  (Opens the door wider to let in Sibling 2, then locks seven different bolts after closing it)

Sibling 2: (Drops the box with a crash onto the living room floor) Crime here that bad?

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh, no – habit.  (Dives toward the box to rip it open and noisily rummage through the contents)  You got everything?

Sibling 2: (Strolls over to the almost-fully decorated tree) Pretty much; I had to leave the one with your huge baby photo plastered on Santa’s sleigh behind, `cause Mom wanted “at least one reminder of our darling child on our family tree.”  You still go over there to see her and Dad once a week, right?

Sibling 1: Sure do.  No worries, I’ll just snatch it right off that sucker next time I’m there, heh-heh-heh.

Sibling 2: Don’t you dare – she’ll think she’s losing her mind when she can’t find it later.

Sibling 1: Not a problem, I’ll do it right in front of her; I’m an honest thief.  (Starts taking ornaments from the box to hang on the tree)

Sibling 2: (Watches for a few moments) I dunno, this thing looks pretty full already, are you gonna be able to fit all this new-old stuff on it now, too?

Sibling 1: Yes.  (Continues to hang ornaments without hesitation)

Sibling 2: You knew I was bringing over about a hundred of your kiddie ornaments today –

Sibling 1: They’re not “kiddie,” they’re “classic.”

Sibling 2: Whatever – you filled up the tree before you even got to these!

Sibling 1: Nonsense: there’s still plenty of room.

Sibling 2: (Holds one of the branches out a bit) I count three on this branch alone.

Sibling 1: Is there a rule somewhere that there can only be one ornament per branch?  (Props an ice pop stick reindeer on a lower branch surrounded by a skating dog and an entire snow family)

Sibling 2: I guess not, but it looks better to space them out more, and you don’t want the whole thing to fall over and break everything.

Sibling 1: All taken care of on that front.  (Lifts up several branches to reveal the tree trunk has been reinforced with steel poles, then points to the top to show guy wires leading from there to the four corners of the room)

Sibling 2: All right then.

Sibling 1: So you gonna help me out or what?

Sibling 2: Thought nearly throwing my back out hauling this stuff over here would be enough, but OK.  (Takes an knitted nutcracker from the box and squeezes through the laden branches to an emptier spot near the trunk; spits out needles) Where’d you even get all this new stuff anyway?

Sibling 1: (Adds a third star as a tree topper) Oh, here and there.

Sibling 2: (Tries to leave but an arm is now stuck; panics) Um, oh no, help – I think the tree is taking me!

Sibling 1: (Walks over and pulls Sibling 2 out of the tree branches) Whatever happens, never show fear.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: (Starts hanging a string of embroidered train cars across the tree’s middle) Have a firm hand, show it who’s boss, take no sap!

Sibling 2: Sass?

Sibling 1: I said sap!  (Pushes face into the branches) I see you trying to trap us forever in there!  Your evil plans are foiled once again!

Sibling 2: You know you’re yelling at something that’s technically dead, don’t you?

Sibling 1: Its sacrifice for our enjoyment is not in vain, so I fail to see why it insists on fighting its fate.

Sibling 2: (Watches as more ornaments are shoved in there) I don’t know, I think you’re smothering whatever’s left.  Where’re you even gonna hang the lights?

Sibling 1: (Stares at the tree with eyes widening in horror) Son of a – !

Sibling 2: Maybe it’s a good thing: there’s so much stuff on here the lights’d probably overheat and burn the whole place down.

Sibling 1: But lights are 90% of the effect!

Sibling 2: What about one of your 10 toppers up there, can you light those?

Sibling 1: And how would the rest of the tree look then, hm?  I’ll tell you how – like a fool!

Sibling 2: (Holds up an ornament from the box) Well I doubt you could event fit one more macaroni… doll… whatever this thing is you made in kindergarten –

Sibling 1: IT IS THE VIRGIN MOTHER AND CHILD!

Sibling 2: Wow.  Then maybe stick them on a table or something.

Sibling 1: And then where would I fit all my Nativity scenes?!  (Sweeps an arm toward a side table featuring five Nativity scenes of various size and scope) And Baby Jesus can’t be anywhere near there because He hasn’t been born yet!

Sibling 2: But He can be on the tree?

Sibling 1: Yes, because that’s an ornament!  (Grabs the macaroni, climbs a stepladder, and places the piece between two angel tree toppers) There.  Now hand me a string of lights while you finish up the rest of the box.

Sibling 2: I think this whole thing’s a fire hazard by now.

Sibling 1: I have seven fire extinguishers sprinkled throughout the place – HAND ME THE LIGHTS!

(Sibling 2 hands over a string of lights and continues jamming ornaments onto the packed tree as Sibling 1 works down, adding lights until both finish their decorating around the same time.  Sibling 1 plugs the last string into the wall outlet, and they stand back to view the colorful, bursting tree)

Sibling 2: Well, surprisingly enough, you did it.  I wasn’t sure about your hardened dough snowflake from Scouts at the end there, but you managed to fit every ornament from childhood until now onto this tree.  Except the one you’re planning to steal later.

Sibling 1: (Sighs contentedly) Indeed.  This is the most perfect Christmas tree in the whole wide world.

Sibling 2: I’m sure the one at Rockefeller Center pales in comparison.

Sibling 1: (Tilts head while squinting eyes) Still….

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: Needs tinsel.