Story 421: The Joy of Wrapping Presents

 DECEMBER 23

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while baking cookies) Hi – what’s up?

Friend 1: (On the phone while walking through a beyond-crowded mall) Oh, not much: just doing my annual last-minute holiday shopping, same as the rest of the world here with me right now.  (Waves to the crowds)

Crowds: (Waving to Friend 1) Hiiiiiii!!!! (Resume frenzy)

Friend 1: You done with your shopping yet?

Friend 2: Hanukkah was over three weeks ago this year, so, yeah.

Friend 1: Right.  Lucky.

Friend 2: Also lucky you and I don’t exchange gifts – one less person to shop for.

Friend 1: Best present ever.  I should be done here in another three hours, but the mall closes in two so everyone’ll just have to take whatever I wind up with by then.

Friend 2: That’s the spirit.

Friend 1: (Passing by a card store) Shoot, I just remembered I also have to get more wrapping paper and bows and all that garbage – maybe four hours.

Friend 2: Why not just get gift bags for everybody?  Then you can throw whatever gift in there and fluff some tissue paper around it and that’s that: minimal effort involved.

Friend 1: Ugh, who wants all gift bags?!  That’s the lazy way out – Christmas unequivocally requires tearing apart massive amounts of paper and high-tensile ribbon to reveal the glory within.

Friend 2: If you say so.  Might be easier on you, though – I’ve seen your wrapping in action, and it’s not pretty.

Friend 1: What?!  I know how to wrap!  (Teenagers passing by start to lay down a beat; to Teenagers) Not “rap” – (Holds up all the shopping bags) “wrap!”

Teenagers: (In realization) Ohhhhhh.... (Move along)

Friend 2: You may know in theory, but the reality has a bit lost in translation.

Friend 1: I’ll show you!  I’ll show ALL OF YOU!

Friend 2: Who else are you talking to?

Friend 1: You know – The World.

Friend 2: `K, I’ll let you get to it then – bye.  (Disconnects the call and leisurely starts a new batch of cookies while humming) I love this time of year.

Friend 1: (Scrambles to put away the phone, dropping every other bag) I hate this time of year!

Mall Loudspeaker: Attention, shoppers: the mall will be closing in 30 minutes – we ask at this time that you please begin to get out –

Friend 1: WHAT?!  (Drops the remaining bags while scrambling to look at a watch) HOW DID I LOSE TWO HOURS?!

Parent: (Passing by, surrounded by small children) Very easily.

 DECEMBER 24

(In apartment, Friend 1 is sitting on the living room floor surrounded by gifts, wrapping paper, bows, ribbons, gift bags, tissue paper, tags, and a pen)

Friend 1: Right.  Start with the biggest one first.  (Grabs an asymmetrical package) Well, no one’d actually expect this this to be wrapped.  (Dumps it into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result)  Right.  Next!  (Grabs a rectangular department store box, measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) Grrrrrr – no, no, mustn’t flip out, I can use the paper for something else, we’ll just try again.  (Measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) GRRRR – OK, skip the box, this’ll be a great gift bag, too.  (Dumps the lump of cloth that was in the box into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result) Right.  Next!  (Grabs a smaller box) OK, can’t mess this one up, right?  (Measures the paper, cuts, and fits it perfectly around the box) Heh-heh-heh-heh – (Reaches for the tape and realizes there is none) Son of a – !

 ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 returns from the local office supply store, slams the front door shut, rips off coat, hat, and gloves, plops back onto the living room floor, rips open the tape box, and inserts the roll into the dispenser, grumbling the whole time)

Friend 1: (Taping the perfectly wrapped box) If one more person gets in my way – I did not cut you in line, you tried to cut me – whoever designed that parking lot hates people – maybe if you put your shopping cat in the conveniently located corral like a decent human being, it wouldn’t have hit both our cars later – (Finishes the tag and views the box) Ah?  Ahahahahaha!  I did it!  Take that!  (Takes a picture of the wrapped gift and sends it to Friend 2; typing) “In… your… face….” (Sends the message and tosses the phone to the floor) Saying I can’t wrap – maybe you can’t wrap.  (Starts on the next gift and receives a message notification)

Friend 2’s Message: Fluke.

Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Who… asked… you?!”

Friend 2’s Message. (Several seconds later) You did.

Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Leave me alone, I need to wrap presents for my loving family!”  (Tosses away the phone)

Friend 2’s Unread Message: You’re ridonkulous.

(Friend 1 wraps the remaining gifts in a whirlwind of activity – most of the packages have crooked seams, barely meeting edges, bulging sides, multiple layers of paper to cover bare sections, and bows, ribbons, and tags anywhere and everywhere)

Friend 1: (Stands up on cramped legs, surveying the disaster) Well, they’ll just have to like it or lump it.

 DECEMBER 25

(At Friend 1’s parents’ house, the family tears apart the hours of wrapping to reveal the glory within)

Friend 1: (Wearing a new fuzzy sweater over pajamas) Well Fam, another good haul this year – I thank ye.

Mother: Yes, thank you both, now let’s clean up this mess.

Father: I’ll get the trash bags.  (Trots out of the living room, brushing wrapping debris off of clothes on the way)

Friend 1: (To Mother) I have to ask: honestly, does my wrapping make you ashamed to call me your child?

Mother: Oh honey, why does it even matter?

Friend 1: It’s been brought to my attention, and by asking why it matters you’re revealing that it does.

Mother: (Laughs and hugs Friend 1) Sweetie.  (Pulls back) You’re being ridonkulous.  (Grabs several gifts to start putting things away)

Friend 1: (Stares at the brightly lit and overly decorated Christmas tree, then looks over at the nativity scene on the nearby table; addresses the newly added Baby Jesus) I guess we should all be thankful I don’t have to wrap you.

Story 417: Thanksgiving and Giving and Giving and….

 (In a family dining room on Thanksgiving, a long table and several extensions are surrounded by seated relatives in order of descending age.  The main poultry and bajillion sides cover the tables, and everyone waits to begin)

Relative 1: (Raises a glass) All right all, before we start the gluttony let’s have a few words of thanks – not from everyone, that would take forever – (The others relax with a sigh) but how about one of the quote-unquote “Senior Members” of our family, eh?  (Elbows Relative 2 in the next seat) That’d be you.

Relative 2: Heh?  Oh yeah, I guess that would be me.  Suppose I can whip up a few words to start us off.  (Stands and raises a glass) Firstly, I’m thankful we’re all here together for yet another year of these shenanigans.

Other Relatives: Awwwww.

Relative 2: Yes, it does my heart good to see two, three, four… five?  Five generations at this table – (Baby cries on cue and is whisked away, not to be seen again for the rest of the meal) and how lucky we are that we’re still able to meet like this, year after year after year after year after… anyway, we’re lucky this one here – (Gestures to Relative 3) still volunteers to host this thing, what, 17 years running now?

Relative 3: Twenty, actually – please don’t let that discourage you all from wanting to take over next year though, it’s a lot of fun, really!  (Looks expectantly around the table as everyone else stares at their plate)

Relative 2: Ah yes, the delicious food, the same every time but we all love it: the day-long-cooked turkey, the lumpy mashed potatoes – (Relative 4 looks up sharply) the cranberries that never come out quite right – (Relative 5 slowly tears a roll into pieces) the salad that’s supposed to be good for digestion but comes too late for all of us at that point – (Relative 6 sharply breaks the wishbone) and this other thing in a casserole dish that I never eat and never remember what exactly it is –

Relative 7: Succotash!  Every year, it’s succotash!

Relative 2: Yeah, gonna forget that in five seconds – all this, down our gullets in a good 10 minutes after literal days of prep, and everyone really is just biding their time for the apple pie and brownies later anyway – (Relative 3 softly grinds teeth) reminds me of the time back in 198…7?  Or was it `86?  I think my second kid was born by then….

(At one of the junior tables, Relative 8 is unobtrusively reading on a cell phone and brings up the headline: “Did You Know: The UK Title of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Was Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone?”  Relative 8’s eyes slowly widen in horror)

Relative 2: You know, I think it was actually 1993, right before we had that freak ice blizzard, you know, the one with the five-foot-deep frozen snow?  Anyway, back in `93 – or was it `94?  I think we had another ice blizzard then, too – when whoever it was hosting was so focused on all the sides that they forgot the actual turkey!  Clean-up certainly was a lot faster that year.  It’s funny, all my life I don’t think I’ve once done the dishes after a family get-together, although I have put away all the chairs and tables each and every time, which is a pain in the neck and a pain in the back, let me tell you…. Speaking of chairs –

Relative 9: OH MY GOSH, can we eat already, please?!

Relative 2: I’d say that was rude, if I wasn’t secretly hoping someone would stop me – the panic was starting to set in.

Story 392: Pre-Celebrity I.T. Webinar

 (Coworkers stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an empty place)

Coworker 1: (Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half! – to learn about a system we already use.  And I never use it!

Coworker 2: I heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Please.  Any update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent to us in two slides.

Coworker 2: (Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?

Coworker 1: Obviously not.

Coworker 2: They got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.

Coworker 1: …So this is pre-recorded?!  Another waste of my time!

Coworker 2: So?  Isn’t it cool we get one last class from Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?  He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I love him in his new movie!

Coworker 1: (Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.

Coworker 2: Huh?

Coworker 1: He still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.

Coworker 2: That was three years ago.

Coworker 1: (Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t!  (Back to the screen) I never forget.

Coworker 2: Whatever – I still think this is so cool!

(The course proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)

Proctor: Hello everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get started.  (While setting up the video to display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan -------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a movie career….

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 3: Yeah Ry-an!

Coworker 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

Proctor: So, without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”  (Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are selected and data are entered)

Ryan’s Voice: Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 1: [Gags]

Ryan’s Voice: So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in) too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?

Attendees: [Loudly laugh]

Coworker 1: For amateurs, maybe!

Ryan’s Voice: (Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.

Coworker 4: You’re doing your best, Ryan!

Coworker 1: (Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?

Coworker 2: You just did the same thing a minute ago.

Coworker 1: I – (Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)

Ryan’s Voice: OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?

Attendees: [Cheer, clap, and whistle]

Coworker 5: East Quaaad!

Coworker 1: Weirdos.

Ryan’s Voice: So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello?  Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?!  Holy –

Proctor: (Starts advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we just assumed….

Coworker 1: Hey, if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he owes me!

Proctor: – and here should be good.  (Resumes the video)

Ryan’s Voice: – dude, I said, “No nudity” –

Attendees: Whoooooo!!!

Proctor: (Advancing again) Sorry!  Sorry!  (Softly while watching the screen) I am so going to be fired.

Ryan’s Voice: – gotta go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say “Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –

Coworker 3: Heh, he’s got that right.

Ryan’s Voice: `K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.

Ryan’s Voice: Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering a pool, sweet.  So, you’d select the budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?  Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?

Coworker 4: Livin’ the dream, Ryan!

Attendees: [Cheer]

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?

Coworker 2: I think you would just do it.

Coworker 1: Well that’s just limited range.

Coworker 5: Ssh, please?  I can’t hear Ryan!

(Coworker 2 prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)

Ryan’s Voice: – and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!  Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….

Proctor: I’m so sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)

Coworker 6: Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool if it is!

Proctor: You all have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!

Coworker 1: We won’t tell if you won’t!

Ryan’s Voice: – is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like the Orkish stuff?  Whatever, I’m game –

Proctor: Skip!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – were we?... Approvals, right.  So you enter your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the flight to 5 a.m.?  Ooh, first class, not too shabby –

Proctor: Argh!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – worked with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be perfect, I can really help out even more now –

Proctor: Ergh! (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs now –

Attendees: Oooooooh!

Proctor: Grrrrrr…. (Advances 20 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK!  Soooooo, Approvals.  Right.  Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom.  Pool.  Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it for “Orders 2.0,” Class!  Usually this’d be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained hardware ever again!  Good luck, it’s been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay!  (The video ends abruptly)

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 2: Aw, he said it was nice working with us!

Coworker 1: He has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.

Proctor: (Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.

Attendees: [Massive groan]

Coworker 3: Can you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us?  We wanna hear the rest that we missed.

Proctor: Absolutely not!  (Storms out in a panic to destroy all files of the presentation)

Coworker 2: (As the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.

Coworker 1: I guess.  I still hate him, but I have to admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a company.

Coworker 2: Mighty big of you to say so.

Coworker 1: Yeah… you think he’d give me an autograph?

Story 388: The Perils of Acting With a Friend

 (Actor 2 answers the phone while on set)

Actor 2: Howdy there, talking to you from the sunny beach of an amazingly life-filled desert; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Funny you should be filming in a desert, since my love life’s a giant one right now.

Actor 2: Awwww.  Sounds boring – bye.

Actor 1: Don’t hang up; I’m actually calling to see if you have any advice on, you know, using my aura of mystery as an actor to snare safe one-night stands.  You used to be quite the pro at that, back when you were a stud.

Actor 2: I’m still a stud!  (Looks around and sees passing crew members are staring, then moves to a more private corner and lowers voice) Just because I’m happily married for several decades doesn’t mean I’m any less of a catch.

Actor 1: I’m sure your wife thinks so.  Anyway, back in the day when you were reeling them in –

Actor 2: Ugh, don’t remind me: I really was a bit much then.

Actor 1: What was your secret?  Body spray?  Piercing contact lenses?  Listening?

Actor 2: All right, fine: back in my less-mature years, when I wanted a little more action in my so-called love life with none of the responsibilities of an actual relationship, I just auditioned a lot for love-interest roles. 

Actor 1: What?

Actor 2: Some parts were decent, but most were rom-coms where half the scenes required make-out sessions with my hot costar.  Although very few of them turned into actual one-night stands, and only after filming wrapped. (Gazes off in recollection) Those were some trashy times.

Actor 1: Seriously?  That’s all it took?

Actor 2: (Shakes out of reverie) Well, you have to actually get chosen for the part, but yeah.  With rehearsals and filming, I fake-scored more times than I did in high school and college combined; it was like a dream.  And I made sure all of my costars felt the same way about those scenes so it was win-win, and everyone went home happy.

Actor 1: And what does your wife think about that dream of yours?

Actor 2: Well, I’m not like that now; she knows it’s just a job, and I keep it all separate in my head so the scenes look good but don’t mean anything to me.  Now that I think about it, I’ve only kissed one costar since I got married, wow.  Go me.

Actor 1: Good for you.  Well, thanks for the tip: I’m off to tell my agent to sign me up for any and all love-interest roles out there, lines or no lines, wish me luck, bye!  (Disconnects the call)

Actor 2: (Pockets the phone) Don’t take just any role, you know: have some professional pride.

 ONE YEAR LATER

 Actor 2: (Answers the phone while at home) Howdy there, talking to you from the comfy couch of my comfy home; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Got some great news – your advice worked wonderfully, by the way.

Actor 2: Oh goodie; I’m glad you’re feeling satisfied with your love life no one cares about.  I’ve got some great news too, but you go first.

Actor 1: Thanks.  So, I’ve been getting a lot more work lately: that one film we did earlier this year, good parts in a few others, some plays – I’ve noticed the stuff updated to modern times has a lot of R-rated material crammed in there, it’s always kind of weird to do Shakespeare like that –

Actor 2: Yeah, a bit for me too, but I got used to it.

Actor 1: So, very happy with all those special scenes with my special costars, and they’re very happy too, and whaddya know, my agent lands me an audition for one of the main leads in the film version of ---------- everyone wants to be in that’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, and I found out today I got the part!

Actor 2: ….

Actor 1: I don’t hear you congratulating me.

Actor 2: …I found out today I got the part as the other lead.

Actor 1: How’s that?

Actor 2: I’m your costar.

Actor 1: Oh.  I see.  Well, this is awkward.  Guess you’re gonna have to drop out, then.

Actor 2: What?!  Why do I have to drop out?!

Actor 1: I’m not going to simulate funny business with someone I actually know and actually like, and since this is my big break whereas you’re already established in your career, then clearly you should be the gracious one and step aside to make room for someone I would want to chew on a breath mint for.

Actor 2: No way!  I worked out for six months to get in shape for this role, and I am two films away from being cast as “Well-Meaning Parent” forever, so if you feel all weird about it then you’re the one who needs to drop out!

Actor 1: Unacceptable!  And think about this: in about a month you, your wife, and I are meeting up at that children’s charity event – how can I look her in the eye after I’ve stuck my tongue down her spouse’s throat?!

Actor 2: Ew, don’t make me think about it.

Actor 1: And another thing: how I can ever look you in the eye again after that?!

Actor 2: Ewwwwww!   Never mind, we’ll figure something out – it seems this disturbingly X-rated science-fiction dramedy is pivotal to both our careers, so just be professional and do not mess this up for us!

Actor 1: Speak for yourself; I’m doing this for the craft.

Actor 2: You only auditioned because it had love scenes!

Actor 1: Which you’ve now tainted.  You’re a real pal – see you at the table read next week where we get to hear all the bedroom bits dissected in gory detail!

Actor 2: Ewwwwwwwww!!!!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(On the spaceship bedroom set of the film)

Director: OK you two, ready to run through your first love scene?

Actor 1: No.

Actor 2: (Simultaneously) We are extremely prepared for this.

Director: The Intimacy Coordinator’s gonna work with you now – (To Actor 1) I’ve heard you usually like to “wing it,” but I prefer that everything be choreographed before filming, especially while you’re both still fully clothed.

Actor 1: Awesome.

Intimacy Coordinator: (Enters, nodding at Director who exits) Hello, my lovely lovers!  Get on the bed.

(Actor 2 hops on while Actor 1 gingerly slides on)

Actor 1: Can I just take a nap while you two do your thing?

Intimacy Coordinator: Odd; you loved this part on the last movie we worked on together.

Actor 1: I’ve evolved as an artist since then.

Intimacy Coordinator: Well, have you two talked over what you’d like to do with this scene yet?

Actor 1 and Actors 2: (Not looking at each other) No.

Intimacy Coordinator: Oh dear, that makes this a bit more difficult.  Maybe start with the few lines of dialogue in the beginning and then we’ll start working on where to go from there.

Actor 2: Sure.  (Clears throat and stares at Actor 1) “I have never wanted anyone as badly as I want you.  My love.”

Actor 1: (Staring at Actor 2’s forehead) “Then come and take me… bay-by.”

(They start to lean in for a kiss with lips curled back, then reposition themselves a few times on the bed)

Actor 2: Ow!  That was my shin!

Actor 1: Sorry!  Maybe if I go over here….

Actor 2: Ow!  My other shin!

Intimacy Coordinator: Why don’t you try the kiss first and then move around afterward?

Actor 2: I would if this one’d quit shovin’!

Actor 1: I am not shoving; you need to move over!

Intimacy Coordinator: Would you like to take quick break?

Actor 2: No!

Actor 1: (Simultaneously) Yes!

Actor 2: (Whispers at Actor 1) You are ruining this for both of us!  Just close your eyes and pretend I’m the last costar you fake loved or something!

Actor 1: (Shakes head and whispers back) Nah-uh: your wife invited me over for dinner tonight; I can’t sit across from you two and eat lasagna like it’s nothing!

Actor 2: (Kisses Actor 1 quickly) There – was that so bad?

Actor 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Ugh, fine, let me try.  (They stiff-arm hug and miss each other’s mouth a few times)

Director: (Re-enters) Hi, sorry to burst in, but I’m gonna have to let you two go from the project – with pay, of course.

Actor 1 and Actor 2: WHAT?!

Actor 1: After all that?!

Actor 2: Yeah – have you even seen my abs?!

Director: Listen, you’re both really talented and I thought we wouldn’t need a chemistry test since you’re worked together before, but I should’ve listened to myself and done one before finalizing casting: we need passionate lovers on this piece, and instead you’re giving me squabbling siblings.

Actor 2: Would it help if we cast my wife instead?

Actor 1: (Stands up to leave) It’s fine: I turned down Naked Macbeth to do this, but they’re still looking so I’m sure they’ll welcome me back with open arms!  (To Actor 2) I consider this a near-miss for our friendship.

Actor 2: (Also stands, and shudders) Yeah, I’ll say.  (Everyone stands awkwardly in silence for a few moments) So, see you at 7?

Actor 1: Yeah – tell your wife I’m bringing lots of champagne.

Story 386: A New Account

(Background: I had written this for a short story contest and then realized I had misread one of the prompts and had to scramble to revise it before the deadline (which is probably why I didn’t advance to the next round) – I prefer this version over the one I submitted)

Cheryl would barely glance up every time a customer walked through the bank’s main entrance, but the one who just now came in gave her an unreasonable dread in the pit of her stomach.  There was nothing that stood out about this individual – face, hair, clothes, and shoes at first glance were all “normal” – but as he purposefully strode to sit in the waiting area there was an undefinable something that seemed a bit… off.

She thought back to the last time the bank had been robbed and all the training videos the employees had to sit through, but this customer did not quite line up with those scenarios so she felt unjustified in slamming the panic button – yet.

The customer was the only one seated in the waiting area and Cheryl was the only bank officer available, so she added her doubts to her all-day blistering headache as things to ignore, walked over to him, and smiled: “Hello!  My name is Cheryl – I can help you right over here.”  She held an arm out toward her desk.

The customer looked up at her and she immediately catalogued his sickly pale face, stringy hair, and a whiff of something that her unconscious brain screamed “SULFUR!”  But I wouldn’t know what sulfur smelled like unless it was pointed out to me, her conscious brain countered.  Her unconscious brain persisted in its decision as she led the customer to sit in the chair next to her desk as she sat in hers.

Wanting to speed this along, she immediately began working on the bank database instead of taking her usual 90 seconds to actually look the customer in the eye while she obtained some basic info: “So, what can we do for you today?”  Type-type-type-type-

“Well,” the customer said while dropping a heavy bag onto the desk, making Cheryl jump slightly in her seat.  “I’d like to make a deposit.”

“Oh?”  I’d bet all the coins I just heard jingling around in there that that bag didn’t exist until this moment.

“Yeah.  Actually, I guess what I really want is to open a savings account.  For all of this.”  The customer patted the bag, making the coins jingle some more.

“Oh.  OK.”  Cheryl settled into the familiar routine of creating a new account.  “If I may ask, is this from an inheritance?”

The customer chuckled in a way that Cheryl did not like at all: “You probably could call it that.”

Oh no, I’m smelling – SULFUR! – felony.  She stopped typing.  “Before we go any further, could I see some form of ID, please?  Driver’s license, passport photo, permanent resident card?”

“Oh, sure, um….” The customer patted a few pockets, then pulled out a paper driver’s license that had been taped up multiple times.

Cheryl stared at it for a few moments, then waited for her heart to start beating again before saying: “This expired….”

“Really?  Oh, shoot.”

“Almost 80 years ago.”

The customer looked thoughtful for a moment, then reached over to take back the license and stare at it.  “Has it been that long already?  Huh.  Time sure does fly no matter where you are in life, am-I-right?”

Mentally holding onto the evidence of fraud, Cheryl unobtrusively pressed the panic button while tamping down the internal panic as she realized no other employees or customers were within her line of sight.  “So – ” she had to clear her throat, “um, do you have any other forms of ID on you?”

“Nah, that was the last one I had.  Here, let me give you some of the backstory so you can help me figure out what’s the best type of account I can get for these beauties.”  The customer hugged the bag lovingly.

Cheryl tapped the button a few more times: “OK.”

“Sweet.  So, I came back from The War all messed up with what I saw over there – let me back up a bit: when I was over there, I was an ambulance driver and had to ferry soldiers and civilians who were shot up or blown up or ripped up or whatever up to the field hospital, and if I managed to get one in 50 of them there in time to be saved it was a miracle, know what I mean?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Yeah.  Rest of `em went to Charon the Ferryman, and I got sick of it.  I mean, here I am, busting my behind driving people through literal hell trying to save them, and in the end that guy gets `em anyway AND the coin payment to boot.  For doing what, exactly?”

“…Ferrying them across the River Styx to the Underworld?”

The driver scoffed: “Big deal: a river with no currents, or even any other boats; easiest job ever.  Ferrying them across a river filled with mines, bullets whizzing past your head, bombs exploding all around you, and your passengers screaming in agony and begging you to help them, THEN he’d have a case.  So I came back from The War and figured, why not get a little of my own back?  I deserved it.”

Cheryl’s throat could not get any drier: “How so?”

“Well, when you’re in the middle of all that death – you never served in the military, right?  I’m not preaching to choir, as the saying goes?”

“No.”

“`K.  So when you’re in the middle of all that death and pain and terror, it changes you, and usually not for the better.  And I figured, if people’re gonna die no matter what anyone does, why shouldn’t I get a little something for, you know, helping them along?”

Cheryl gulped: “‘Helping them along?’”

“Right.  So, instead of letting Charon get all the reward, I figured I’d cut him off at the pass, so to speak.”  The driver started to open the bag.  “Get `em while they’re fresh, and instead of them having to wait around for whenever his nibs and ferry decide to show up, I give `em an express ride to the afterlife and keep the coins myself.  It’s worked out beautifully, and somehow adds zero mileage to my car – I only get a few out of the thousands who die every day, but it’s enough that guy’s sooooo miffed at the drop in business.  Too bad you got competition after millennia of monopoly, pal!”  The driver laughed hysterically while burying his hands in the bag of coins, too many to count.

All Cheryl could do was stare at the bursting bag while her head pounded; the driver suddenly yanked his hands out of the bag and checked his wristwatch.

“Ooh, look at me rambling on here – sorry, it’s been so long since I could really talk to anybody about all this, you know?”  Cheryl looked back up at his waxen face.  “Anyway, we’ve only got a little time left so I was hoping I could get your advice before we go.”

“‘Go?’”

“Well yeah, that brain aneurysm’s gonna get you in about five minutes, and I gotta get you first or else you’ll go straight to Charon and then where’ll my cut be?”

The bank’s walls constricted around Cheryl’s unbearably painful head and she could no longer feel her extremities.  The driver leaned closer to her.

“So I gotta ask you – ”

The scent of sulfur nearly overwhelmed all of Cheryl’s senses; from a distance through her tunnel vision, she heard:

“You recommend money market or high-yield?”

Story 384: Putting Off a Chore

 (At the dinner table)

Parent: So, how was school today?

Child: (Shrugs) It was all right – the teachers still’re burdening us with unnecessary work, but I’m viewing it as training for the inevitable “Real World” that we all must grapple with, unceasingly, until the day we die.

Parent: OK; how was band practice?

Child: A lot of fun, but tainted by the knowledge that no matter how much I practice, I will never achieve membership in a repertory orchestra.

Parent: Right – when dinner’s over could you do that thing I asked you to do the other day, please?

Child: Oh.  You need that done now?

Parent: I needed it done the other day, but after dinner’ll do.

Child: You mind if I do some of my homework first?  I don’t think I’ll be as mentally equipped to face it if I wait `til afterward.

Parent: You must really dread doing this if you’d rather do homework first.

 LATER THAT NIGHT

 (Stretched across the bed, Child is scribbling in a notebook)

Parent: (At the bedroom doorway) So, did you do that thing I asked you?

Child: (Freezes) Oh.  I was so caught up in solving these quadratic equations I completely lost track of the time.

Parent: Uh-huh.  Make sure you do it after school tomorrow, OK?

Child: (Salutes) Righty-ho!

 AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW

 Parent: (Answering the phone) Hello?

Child: Hi!  So, I found out today that Band’s playing at the senior center this afternoon, and we’ll be there for hours and hours making those lonely people all happy, so I won’t be home until it’s real late, so, yeah.

Parent: Isn’t that something you’d have to specifically volunteer for because the center can’t fit the whole band, and when you found out about it last week you’d told me you, quote, “didn’t really feel like it”?

Child: Yes, well, today I realized, those lonely people need me!

Parent: Uh-huh.  Call me when you need a ride home; you’re gonna do that chore for me tomorrow, then.

Child: Righty-ho!

 TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately, striding over to the windows to burst open the curtains)

Parent: Rise and shine – today’s the day!

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: You’re going to do that thing I asked you to do, today!

Child: Oh – actually, I forgot, today I’d said I’d tutor the elementary school kids in English in the morning, and then help out at the track meet in the afternoon.  Plus tonight I told your parents I’d make them dinner, so, yeah.

Parent: …Seriously?!

 THE NEXT TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately)

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: This is it!  Time for your chore!

Child: Oh – actually, you mind if I do it after conducting the children’s choir at Mass this morning and then running that blood drive for the county this afternoon? I’ll probably be exhausted by then, but I’ll find the time, somehow.

Parent: (Grabs Child by the feet and drags those to the floor) Up!  At `em!  Go, go, go!

Child: (Stumbles out of the room) Aw, shucks, this is cutting into my daily 5-mile run!

Parent: The daily run you’ve never done before today?  Now beat it!

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

 (Parent drinks coffee and reads the newspaper at the kitchen table; Child slumps into the room)

Child: Well – it’s done.

Parent: There, was that so hard?

Child: I guess not.  It took a lot less time than I thought, and now it’s finally over.

Parent: Good.  Now go make yourself presentable for the children’s choir.

Child: Oh yeah, that.  (Slumps out of the room)

Parent: (Resumes drinking coffee and reading the newspaper) It’s like pulling teeth – too bad it took so long to get done that I’ve forgotten what it was.

Story 379: There’s No Time to Rest in the Land of Adventureland!

 (Written after rewatching and rereading The Chronicles of Narnia series)

 (Two random children suddenly appear in a magical world that looks exactly like Fantasy Medieval Europe)

Child 1: (Looks around in wonder at being deposited in the middle of a field that could be in the middle of anywhere with temperate climate during spring, except the grass is blue and the insects are huge) Oh me oh my, where on Earth are we and how on Earth did we get here?

Child 2: I dunno; I was on my way to math class when POOF!  Transported.

Child 1: Well, I distinctly remember just seconds ago wishing that I was far, far away from boring old school, and that something would take me to a MAGICAL LAND full of WONDERFUL ADVENTURES and not-too-dangerous dangers, and here I am!  At last, my life can truly begin!

Child 2: That’s great – so what am I doing here?

Child 1: Clearly, I’ll need someone to talk to during my coming-of-age quest, now shan’t I?  And I think you were walking right next to me when this happened.

Child 2: Oh bother.

(A flying Unicorn suddenly lands in front of them)

Child 1 and 2: Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

Unicorn: Be not afraid, dear children, for I am here to take you to the beginning of your transformative journey!

Child 1: How wonderful!

Child 2: Half a second: skipping past the flying talking animal bit that I normally would be freaking out about, how do you know who we are, that we’d be here at this exact moment, and what specific journey you’re supposed to take us on?

Unicorn: Why, The Prophecy, of course.

Child 2: Oh, a thousand pardons, of course – I always forget about those super-specific prophecies.

Child 1: Never mind all that; let’s roll!  (Hops onto the Unicorn’s back) Away!

Child 2: I already have a headache.  (Also hops onto the Unicorn’s back and they all fly into a mass of psychedelic colors)

Background Chorus: <Your journey’s just begun

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Fighting’s all for fun

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

There’s no time to eat

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

There’s no time to sleep

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!>

Child 2: Huh?

(The Unicorn slams back down to the ground in front of a giant castle; Child 1 and Child 2 fall off as the drawbridge lowers and an entire Army marches out)

King: (The only one on a horse; stops next to Child 1 and Child 2 as they struggle to stand) Ah, children!  Just in time: we’re off to The War now.

Child 1: Yay!

Child 2: Excuse me, “War”?

King: Why yes, that’s why you’ve both been summoned here from whatever backwards realm you crawled out of.  (Draws his sword and points it toward a distant mountain range, most of which is covered in snow and flames) There lies our enemy.  We’ve been glaring evilly at each other for over 200 generations, but now that you two have finally arrived as The Prophecy had foretold, victory at last will be ours.  That is why we saved our first and final assault for today.

Army: (Shaking swords in the air) Hurrah!

Child 2: Well, both sets of your people’ve lasted for 200 generations without any real damage; why not just leave them there and you stay here?

King: (Blinks at Child 2, then points his sword farther toward the mountain range) To War!

Army: To War!

Child 1: Yessssss!!!

Child 2: Ugh.

(The marching resumes)

Child 2: Maybe the two of us can just meet you all there – (Turns to see the Unicorn had left ages ago) drat.

Child 1: The adventure continues!

Child 2: Whoopee.

(Child 1 and Child 2 join the march; there is little obvious progress as the hours tick by)

Background Chorus: <All roads lead to war

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Fight or find gold, nothing more

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

No need to take a bath

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Your clothes will stay intact

In the Land of ADVNT-URE-LAND!>

 HOURS (DAYS?) LATER

 (The march continues; the mountain range appears slightly closer; Child 1 and Child 2 are filthy)

Child 2: (Drooping) You know, by the time we actually get to wherever we’re going, we’ll be too weak to do much of anything and the other side’ll wipe us out or watch us collapse from the safety of their warm, cozy homes.

Child 1: What’re you talking about?  Don’t you finally feel so wonderfully alive?!

Army: Yaaaahhhh!!!!

Child 2: Never mind.

(An enchanted bird strolls nearby)

Bird: (Raises a wing in greeting) `Sup.

King: (Points his sword at the bird) Aha!  The Wise Bird of Wisdom!  All who eat of its brain shall possess the entire knowledge of the solar system!

Child 2: Could aim a little higher than that.

Child 1: Oh Mighty King, let us pursue this wondrous creature and split its brain 3,003 ways so that we all may possess its wisdom!

King: (Nods) Agreed.  (To the Army) Side Quest!  (Takes out an airhorn and lets out three blasts)

Army: Raahhhh!!!! (About-faces to pursue the bird)

Child 2: Can we at least camp here for the night, then?

King: “Camp”?  You speak so strangely, Other-Worlder.

Child 2: OK, how about what that crew over there’s doing?  (Points to a nearby campfire surrounded by four children, a prince around their age, fauns, dryads, minotaurs, centaurs, a variety of enlarged woodland creatures, and tables of food; all turn to the King, Child 1, Child 2, and the Army, and raise a tankard to them)

Other Fantasy Crew: Well met, good neighbors!  Join us in our feast and sing merry songs of glories lost!

King: Hm, tempting – but I have no idea why they’re all just sitting around when there’s marching to be done, so onward we go!

Child 2: But we haven’t eaten for so long!  Aren’t you hungry?!

King: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

(The bird takes flight)

Bird: Peace!

King: (Gazing in deep despair at the receding figure) Eternal knowledge, lost forever.  Ah well: back to the invasion.  (To the Army) Forward, harch!

(The marching resumes)

Child 1: Wasn’t that thrilling?!  I feel I gained some wisdom after all.

Child 2: I gained an appreciation for a hot meal and eight hours of sleep a night.

(They reach the base of the mountain range)

King: And now, good people: we climb!

Child 2: There’s no path?!

King: Of course not!  This obstacle in our noble mission of destruction is not meant to be easy!

Child 2: It’s not meant to be anything; it’s a mountain that’s always been here!  But you brought a whole army when there’s no footpath?!  How’re you supposed to get all your supplies and weapons up there?!  And what if half of you fall off before you reach the top?!

King: These trifles matter not – the goal is the journey!

Army: Hurrah!  (Weighed down by their armor and weapons, they begin to free solo climb)

Child 1: To the journey!  (Jumps up to a handhold and dangles from it)

Child 2: (Pulls Child 1 back down to the ground) Oh no you don’t – you can’t even climb up to the top of the rope in gym class.

Child 1: (Pouts) But the adventure!

Child 2: And this is the part where we have our obligatory falling out.  While you ponder your growth as a human being, I’m going to finally get some sleep.  (Lies down on some nearby rocks and closes eyes)

Unicorn: (Suddenly lands in front of them) Arise, my children, and I will aid you in your endeavor!

Child 1: (Claps hands) Hooray!

Child 2: (Opens eyes wide) Now you show up?!

Unicorn: We must not tarry: adventure awaits!  (Child 1 is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back)

Child 2: No, no, no, I just got to sleep – (Is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and wails all the way up the mountain)

Background Chorus: <Tears are a nice touch

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

Just don’t cry too much

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

There’s still no time to sleep

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

You’ll forget that thing called sleep

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>

(The Unicorn lands at the top of the mountain, dumps Child 1 and Child 2 onto the ground, and flies away)

Unicorn: Farewell, children!  If you see me again, it’ll either be to transport you home or tragically sacrifice myself for your character development!

Child 1: (Running a bit after the flying figure) Wait!  What if we need you to fly us to another spot we don’t want to walk tooooooo?!

Child 2: (Still on the ground; to Child 1) I wish I never met you.

(Villagers run over to them and help Child 2 up off the ground)

Villager 1: Here now, children, are you all right?

Child 2: No, but thanks for your concern.

Child 1: Hey, aren’t you lot the ones the King’s Army’s making war on?

Villager 2: Ohhh, so that’s why all those people were marching this way and are now climbing up the mountain – we were wondering what was up.  (The other Villagers nod in agreement)

Child 2: Well, this is just great!  His Royal Nutjob down there is all set to gloriously slaughter everyone up here, and he didn’t even send you a memo about it!

Villager 3: His people are a rather touchy folk; that’s pretty much why we’ve kept to ourselves for over 200 generations.  (The other Villagers nod in agreement)

Child 1: (Having no sword to draw, instead raises a twig taken from the ground) Aha!  Here is our chance to prove our worth on this adventure!  Prepare to meet your end!  (Lunges towards the Villagers)

Child 2: (Trips Child 1, who lands in mud) Knock it off.  (To the Villagers) So, we have a little time before that bunch gets here: anyone have an unoccupied bed they wouldn’t mind lending out for my use from now until sometime tomorrow?

Villager 1: (Points to the edge of the cliff) Here they come!

Child 2: Blast.

(Everyone runs to the edge of the cliff to see King and several members of the Army reach the top)

King: (Without breaking stride, takes his sword from between his teeth and points it at the Villagers) We’re here!  Let The War begin!

Army: Yaaaayyyy!!!

Child 2: Just a second, Majesty: before you start shoving that blade into everyone in sight, I’d like to point out that you have the wrong mountain.  (The cheers stop)

King: Eh?

Child 2: The mountain: you climbed up the wrong one.  You should’ve climbed the one over there.  (Points to a peak several miles away)

King: The one with all the flames on it?

Child 2: The very same.

King: (Taps his sword against his teeth while staring at that part of the range, then shrugs) So be it: to the next mountain!

Army: Hurrah!

(King and the Army all climb or fall down the mountain as the Villagers cheer)

Child 1: (Stands, very muddy) Aw, what about our great battle against underwhelming odds?!  (Child 2 pushes Child 1 back into the mud as the Unicorn appears)

Unicorn: That’s my cue, children!  Time for me to take you back to where you started so you can return to your other-dimensional world!

Child 2: Great – wait, you mean we could’ve just stood there for a day and then gone back home anyway?!

Unicorn: Not without personal growth, you couldn’t!  (Child 1 and 2 are scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and they fly away as the Villagers cheer and wave)

Child 2: (Starts to lean forward and close eyes) Soooo, I’m just going to close my eyes for a few seconds here, and you can give me a nudge when we’ve gotten back –

Unicorn: Hold on, children!  There appears to be a fearsomely misunderstood dragon laying waste to an entire country right over there!

Child 1: Woo-hoo!  Let’s go slay the misunderstood dragon and take all its gold!

Unicorn: Not sure if there is any gold –

Child 1: It’d better have gold or else I’m slaying it again!

Child 2: (Sobbing as they flying off into the sunset) I wanna sleeeeep!!!!

Background Chorus: <There’s no time to rest

In THE LAND OF ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>

Villager 1: (To Villager 2) Who were those kids anyway?

Villager 2: Well, my first thought was they’re travelers from another world brought here for the trifold reason of saving our village, learning valuable life lessons along the way, and imparting that knowledge upon an unseen audience, but I’m an idiot so it’s really anyone’s guess.

Story 378: Just a Little Snow

 (Friend 1 rings Friend 2’s doorbell)

Friend 2: (Opens the front door in surprise) Heyyyy… what’re you doing here?

Friend 1: (Holds up bags filled with junk food) It’s our Super Bowl Party!

Friend 2: We don’t do that.

Friend 1: It’s our Valentine’s Day Junk Food Fest!

Friend 2: We don’t do that, either.

Friend 1: All right, I’m just bored.

Friend 2: I’d say “Come on in then” but we’re supposed to get about two feet of snow tonight – didn’t you hear the weather?

Friend 1: I did, and fail to see your point.

Friend 2: You might get stuck here if you stay too late.  Or at all, for that matter.

Friend 1: HA!  I was born of the North-Northeast America – I laugh in the face of feet of snow!  (Walks past Friend 2 and dives onto the couch)

 FOUR HOURS LATER

(While watching a movie and eating all the junk)

Friend 1: I’ve seen this thing a hundred times and I still always think that guy’ll live at the end.

Friend 2: That guy’s a serial killer!

Friend 1: There’s that one moment of possible redemption – the movie should end there, while I still have hope for happiness.

Friend 2: Where’s the fictional justice in that?  (Glances toward a window) Oh whoa, it’s really comin’ down.

Friend 1: Hm?  (Eats some more popcorn while looking at the window) Eh – no biggie.

Friend 2: You probably should get going; it’ll take forever to clean off your car even now and the roads’ll be terrible.

Friend 1: And miss the end of the movie?!

Friend 2: You already know how it ends!

Friend 1: And I want to see it again!  As for the rest of that – (Waves dismissively at the lint storm outside) I’ll take care of it tomorrow.

Friend 2: Oh, so you’re just inviting yourself to stay the night, is that it?

Friend 1: (Taps foot on what turns out to be an overnight bag) You won’t even know I’m here.

Friend 2: Says you.

 THE NEXT MORNING

 Friend 2: (Steps over Friend 1 in a sleeping bag on the living room floor in order to look out the window) Ooh, they barely plowed the street, and when I shovel the driveway that’s when they’ll come by and plow me in again, I just know it!

Friend 1: (Stirs noisily) Huh?  Shovel?

Friend 2: Yes, the things those of us who don’t have the luxury of a parking garage on a city street have to use.

Friend 1: (Stands and looks out the window) Pfft.  You don’t need to shovel that.

Friend 2: How else am I gonna get to work?

Friend 1: Call out?

Friend 2: Not at my job.

Friend 1: (Stares challengingly at the frozen field staring back) I’ll take care of it.

(Outside and so bundled they can barely move, Friend 1 burrows through the snow in the driveway to climb through the driver’s side door of the car parked behind Friend 2’s car)

Friend 1: (Shouting through the open window over the wind and snow resettling around the car) You see, you don’t even have to clean off your car – just turn it on and everything melts!  (Turns on the car to demonstrate)

Friend 2: Not fast enough!  There’s about three feet of snow all over!

Friend 1: It’s not a matter of degree, it’s a matter of technique.  You must WILL the car through the snow!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Observe.  (Revs the engine a bit, floors the gas pedal, changes from Reverse to Drive several times to rock the car, then suddenly bursts backward through the snow in the driveway and out onto the street) See?  Piece of cake.  Want a ride to work?

Friend 2: (Staring with feet slowly freezing) Sure, why not.

(On the highway, Friend 1 tailgates a plow/sander truck)

Friend 2: You may want to back up a bit – and slow down a bit –

Friend 1: And let the snow immediately cover the roads again?!  Never!  (Turns a corner at high speed, fishtailing slightly)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the passenger side window) Easy there, partner!

Friend 1: If we slow down or – heavens forbid – stop, we’ll never be able to start again!  The wintry mix’ll have us!

Friend 2: I don’t want to wind up hugging a telephone pole or another car, either!

Friend 1: We won’t!  Not as long as we show no hesitation, show no fear!  (Shakes a fist while driving through a yellow traffic light as it turns red)

Friend 2: And what if that was red before we got there?

Friend 1: Then I’d’ve just kept coasting till it turned green again.  (Swerves into Friend 2’s parking lot at work)

Friend 2: You can drop me off over there, and please don’t hit any of my coworkers on your way out.                                              

Friend 1: Nonsense!  I’m skipping work today, so I’ll park here and explore the Magical Winter Wonderland all around us until your shift’s over.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, but there seem to be a lot of spots not really plowed out yet –

Friend 1: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  (Slams the car onto a snowbank, managing to stay between the parking spot lines; shuts off the engine and unlocks the doors) Have a nice day at work, sweetie!

Friend 2: (Gingerly emerges from the car) Gee, thanks – hope your car’s still in one piece by the time I get back.

Friend 1: No faith whatsoever.

 EIGHT-AND-A-HALF HOURS LATER

 (Friend 2 returns to Friend 1’s car; the snow never stopped and the car has been buried again)

Friend 2: (Gingerly lands on the passenger seat) So, enjoy your romp?

Friend 1: Yeah, for a few minutes; the snow in my face got tiresome, so I came back here and napped for the rest of the day.  (Turns on the engine)

Friend 2: Well it looks like you got plowed in a bit so you might have to dig out your back tires.

Friend 1: Please.  (With squealing tires, reverses out of the spot by slamming through the snow)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the car ceiling) You sure this isn’t a tank?!

Friend 1: (Cackles wildly) You wish!  (Flies out of the parking lot and onto the snowy streets, with giant waves of dirty slush cascading on either side of the car all the way)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, what about the snow on the roof of this thing?

Friend 1: I told you, it all melts off!  My car is magic, I say!

Friend 2: Whatever – as long as it doesn’t fly off onto someone’s windshield.

(They plow, skid, swerve, and bounce the entire way back to Friend 2’s house and bump up onto the packed driveway)

Friend 2: (Falls out of the car onto a snow mattress; holds onto the car door to stand up again) Well, thanks for the lift, and be safe getting home, OK?

Friend 1: Do you know who you’re talking to?!  (After Friend 2 flings the door shut and backs away, Friend 1 throws the car into reverse, stalls, and then stares at the dashboard in horror) Ah!  This can’t be happening!

Friend 2: What, you finally got stuck in the snow?

Friend 1: No – I ran out of gas!