Story 587: Who Knew Hiking Up a Mountain Would Be So Difficult?

            (On the phone)

Friend 2: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 1: Oh, no much – I’m actually off from work on Monday instead of my usual Wednesday, so I figured now’d be a good time to try hiking that mountain you lorded over me about climbing a few years back, what’s-it’s-name, Mount Tabbouleh?  Pammy Peak?

Friend 2: Wait, do you mean Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: Yeah, that one.  Figured I should give it a shot since, you know, I’ve hiked everywhere else around here, and since you could do it, well, it mustn’t be that hard, then.

Friend 2: First of all: I didn’t lord it over you that I hiked up it; I just let you know when I did it, and your insecurity did the rest.

Friend 1: Fair enough.

Friend 2: And secondly: are you sure about this?

Friend 1: I beg your pardon?

Friend 2: This isn’t exactly a stroll around the park, you know – it is an actual mountain.  Elevation over 1500 feet and all.

Friend 1: Well, I have done my share of the difficult trails on elevated terrains; I think I can handle this glorified hill.  Especially since no ropes or crampons or oxygen’s involved: any serious hiker should be able to do it, no sweat.

Friend 2: Yes, any serious hiker.  That’s not you.  And it certainly is a sweat, lots of it.

Friend 1: Rude.  You know how many hours I’ve logged walking through this county, and the next one over?  And some of those trails go up super high, and have big rocks and tree roots sticking out and everything.

Friend 2: You never learn, do you?  Hiking up – and down! – a mountain is completely different from what the local county parks dish up: don’t you remember your Grand Canyon debacle?!

Friend 1: I’ll ask you not to violate the friend code and fling my failures in my face, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: I’m only mentioning it because you had the same cavalier attitude then about how difficult it was going to be, and it’s like you learned nothing from almost being helicoptered out of it!

Friend 1: Don’t exaggerate: I was able to crawl back up the trail long before helicopter rescue was even entertained as a possibility.

Friend 2: Only with my help, you were!  That’s it: I’m going with you.

Friend 1: I don’t need a babysitter, Mom.

Friend 2: You do need supervision, though.  I’m not gonna wait around to hear on the evening news that you got from the summit back to Route 80 the direct way, if you know I mean.

Friend 1: Re-lax: the Delaware River’s right there, I’d be fine.

Friend 2: That’s not funny!

Friend 1: I didn’t mean it to be.  I am a grown adult who is mostly fit, and I do not need someone holding my hand as I ascend Mount Everest!

Friend 2: Tammany!

Friend 1: See, your smothering is making me loopy!

Friend 2: And I wouldn’t be able to hold your hand anyway since you’d need it when climbing up the sections with huge, steep boulders!

Friend 1: …Sorry, the what in the where now?

Friend 2: Exactly!  This is just like the Grand Canyon: you don’t know what you’re dealing with, you’re not prepared, and you expect everything to work out fine and then are shocked when you get stuck and need help, EVERY TIME!

Friend 1: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were accusing me of being immature.

Friend 2: Hey, you said it!

Friend 1: If you’re through with the insults, I’ll call you after I’ve successfully ascended the peak, with a triumphant photo to prove it.

Friend 2: After the other hikers carried you up there, you mean?

Friend 1: Rude again.

Friend 2: All right, I’m sorry, but your obliviousness to everything in life drives me bonkers sometimes.  Please wait until next Saturday, and I’ll climb up there with you.  You can think of me as a tour guide who even brings along snacks.

Friend 1: …Snacks, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!  And I can show you all the good spots where there are great views.

Friend 1: Well….

Friend 2: Pleeeease?  I can’t believe I’m begging you to let me save you from yourself.

Friend 1: All right, fine, if you want the company that badly –

Friend 2: Great!  Come over to my house and I’ll drive us; bring a backpack with water and lunch for later, dress in layers, and get to me by 7 because those parking lots fill up fast, bye!  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: …Wait, 7 A.M.?!

SATURDAY

(At the beginning of Mount Tammany’s Red Dot Trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 arrive on foot with their gear after crossing under Route 80)

Friend 1: I am baffled that we have to walk to start our walk.  You weren’t kidding about those parking lots – do that many tourists want to spend their weekend doing extreme walking?!

Friend 2: A lot do, but there’s also kayaking, and fishing, and camping, and other stuff around here – but I think those full lots were for the mountain, and a bunch of people are from out-of-state too since we’re right by the border and an interstate road.

Friend 1: Well, I’m not out-of-breath yet, so let’s get this show on the road.  (Sees steep steps up the side of the mountain) Wait, this is the start?!

Friend 2: Yep!  Let the ascent begin!  (Starts climbing the steps)

Friend 1: (Visually follows the steps up, very high very fast) OK… OK… this is the warm-up, you can do this.  (Stars climbing the steps; after a minute, looks off to the right and down) Hm, who left their toy cars down there…?  Oh.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 have tied their long-sleeve shirts around their waists so that their short-sleeve shirts can take over)

Friend 2: (Pointing to a wall of boulders) Here we go!  The steep boulders I mentioned where you have to use your hands to climb up!

Friend 1: (Panting, stops to stare at the wall) This has to be a mistake – I think we lost the regular foot trail somewhere in the woods back there.

Friend 2: Nope!  This is the trail!  (Points to three red dots painted on the rocks showing that this is, indeed, the trail)

Friend 1: Ummm….

Friend 2: Want to rest a bit first?

Friend 1: No….

Friend 2: Want to turn back?

Friend 1: No!  Just give me a second…. (A family passes them and scrambles up the rocks without hesitation, adults and young kids alike; Friend 2 raises eyebrows meaningfully at Friend 1) Not a word.  (Begins gingerly scrambling up the rocks, joined by Friend 2)

Friend 2: (As they are part-way up) Not so bad, huh?

Friend 1: (Almost horizontal on hands and feet) I feel like a goat!

(A runner approaching from the opposite direction scrambles down the rocks, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: Morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop)

Friend 2: (Pausing on the climb to wave) Morning!

Friend 1: (Not pausing) Eugh.

(Both reach the top of the boulder section of the trail and pull over to take a water break)

Friend 2: Congratulations!  You cleared the first real hurdle.

Friend 1: (Almost spit-takes) “First”?!

Friend 2: Oh yeah, there’s a bigger set coming up, and the summit itself, and then the way down has –

Friend 1: Never mind: I’ll find out as we get there.

Friend 2: You’re doing great so far, you know: haven’t fallen off the mountain once.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I’m shamed by our compatriots on the trail.

Friend 2: Don’t be: they’ve probably all done this or something like it before, or are kids who aren’t afraid of anything, but they’ll learn.  (Stares into the distance before taking another gulp of water) Oh, they’ll learn….

Friend 1: I guess, but did you see that one who’s doing all this climbing and lugging around a camera the entire way?  And I don’t mean a dinky amateur camera, I mean a huge video camera with a giant microphone attached, the works.

Friend 2: Yeah – probably somebody filming for their channel.  Normally I’d be annoyed at the intrusiveness, but instead I’m just impressed at the physical coordination needed to pull it off.

Friend 1: (Nods and drinks more water) Same.

FORTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the summit of Mount Tammany in New Jersey, which has a view of Mount Minsi across the Delaware River in Pennsylvania, and a ledge of rocks leading down slightly where hikers are scattered throughout, resting and admiring the scenery)

Friend 1: (Pauses in collapsing to stare at the breathtaking view) Wow….

Friend 2: (Enthusiastically rubs Friend 1’s shoulder) Yay, you made it!  How does it feel?

Friend 1: (Swaying) Intimidating… exhausting….

Friend 2: Here, sit down.  (Guides Friend 1 to a nearby boulder to sit) I’m gonna go down there to get some pictures – wanna come by in a few minutes?

Friend 1: (Shakes head breathlessly) No thanks: I’ve never had vertigo before, but I do now.

Friend 2: All right; I’ll be back in a bit!  (Hops from boulder to boulder down the ledge)

Friend 1: Have at it.  (Drinks more water, then looks to the left and sees an equally exhausted hiker lying across a boulder) First time too?  (Hiker rolls eyes and nods, gasping) Right there with you.  (After a few minutes, Friend 1 stands and starts taking in a more panoramic view of the other mountain, the river, and forests on both sides of the Delaware Water Gap) So I guess this is what all the fuss is about, huh.

(The hiker with the camera suddenly bursts onto the summit, walking backwards while filming self)

Content Creator: Hey folks!  We finally made it to the top of Mount Tammany, and whoo-whee, what a ride it’s been, am-I-right?!  (Swings the camera around to capture the stunning scenery) But I tell ya, this view is all worth it!  Who cares about all the cuts, bruises, getting lost, and falling on the way when this is what awaits you, am-I-right?!  (Spots Friend 1 and hops across boulders to focus the camera on both of them) Hey there!  This your first time climbing Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: (Staring frozen into the camera) Uhhhhh....

Content Creator: Don’t be shy – tell my viewers how absolutely amazing this entire experience has been for your soul!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Content Creator: I mean, don’t you feel completely transformed and revitalized by the very act of climbing an actual mountain and getting to the tip-top just to fully understand how totally and utterly insignificant you are on this planet, let alone the universe?!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Friend 2: (Hopping up boulders back to Friend 1, waving arms at Content Creator) Hey, buzz off!

Content Creator: (Hops to another boulder at Friend 2’s rapid approach, but winds up slipping off the edge and sliding on the ground down, down, down; turns the camera back to self on the way) Well folks, we’re heading back down the mountain now a little ahead of schedule, so we’ll meet up again at the bottom – ooh, make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe”…. (Fades away)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You OK?

Friend 1: (Finally unfrozen) No, actually I’m very upset!

Friend 2: I know, that one was way out of line –

Friend 1: No, I mean, my one chance for Internet fame and I blew it!

Friend 2: You’re something else, you know that?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Right – want to head back down now?

Friend 1: Sure: we already did the worst part, should be smooth sailing going downhill, right?

Friend 2: (As they start on the Blue Dot Trail going down the mountain) Well….

Friend 1: What?

Friend 2: (Holds out a granola bar) Here, have a snack.

Friend 1: Ooh, crunchy.  (Consumes the bar in two bites as they both continue their hike)

ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate around rocks and tree roots as they continue to hike down the mountain)

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree while stepping down rocks) I thought we were done with the boulders!

Friend 2: (Up ahead) We are – I think this used to be a riverbed.  You know, a lot of this was left over when a glacier passed through.

Friend 1: (Now dangling from a low tree branch) Almost the entire Earth has had glaciers passing through!  That’s no excuse!

(Runner approaches from the opposite direction, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: (While passing Friend 1) Afternoon.

Friend 1: (Still dangling from the branch) Oh, shut up!  (Runner stops and frowns) Sorry – clearly, I’m not at my best at the moment.

Runner: (Nods) Got it.  (Continues jogging lightly up the rocks)

Friend 2: (Walking back toward Friend 1) Need some help?

Friend 1: (Starts swinging) Nope – (Lets go of the branch and lands heavily on the ground, barely missing the rocks)

Friend 2: (Runs over) You OK?!  Did you break anything?!

Friend 1: (Stands quickly) Surprisingly, no.  Bet that would’ve been a real disaster, huh?

Friend 2: For you, maybe: I’d be calling park rangers or paramedics to get you out of here, `cause I certainly wouldn’t be carrying you the rest of the way.

Friend 1: (As they both start walking again) I know.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the end of the final trail, which is at the same parking lot where they started)

Friend 1: (Raises arms in triumph) At last!  Route 80!

Friend 2: You seem more excited about that than the lovely waterfall and rapids we passed not too long ago.

Friend 1: Oh, well, those were beautiful and all, but this!  (Gestures to the interstate traffic) This means that I made it!  To the end, without any accidents, and I can finally say that I climbed –

Friend 2: Hiked.

Friend 1: Hiked a mountain!  (Briefly rests a hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Thank you for your help and guidance, and for believing in me.

Friend 2: Honestly, I didn’t think you’d make it past the first set of boulders and we’d turn around then, so everything after that’s been a pleasant surprise.

Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2’s shoulder and nods) You’re welcome.  (Turns back to face Route 80 and sighs in relief and contentment)

Friend 2: So, we’ll head back to the car, get our lunches, and eat at one of the picnic tables before starting the hour-and-a-half drive back home, yeah?

Friend 1: Sounds like a great way to bask in our victory over the mountain.  (Turns back to Mount Tammany and salutes) You were a worthy foe, but once again our puny species has defeated you!

Friend 2: The mountain’ll be here long after we’re dead.

Friend 1: True, but my point’s been made nonetheless.  (Takes a step then gasps, eyes wide and fists clenched)

Friend 2: (Taking out the water bottle to finish it off) What’s up?

Friend 1: (Through gritted teeth) I don’t believe it – after all those boulders, I don’t believe it –

Friend 2: (Sighs) What is it this time you don’t believe?

Friend 1: That I hiked an entire mountain, and just now stepped on a pebble and sprained my ankle!

Story 586: Etiquette Responses: Multiple Choice Edition

           “So, I got laid off from work this week.”

Select From The Responses Below:

A.    “Well, that stinks.”

B.     “Their loss – you can do so much better.”

C.    “Didn’t you hate that job anyway?”

D.    “Oh.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, things were getting really bad, what with the hostile takeover and the vanishing clients and the vanishing money and everyone turning on everyone else and – ” [Five minutes later] “and you agree I’m right, right?”

A.    Nod

B.     “Mm-hm.”

C.    “Yeah.”

D.    All of the above

[Nodding] “Mm-hm, yeah.”

“Right!  I knew you’d understand.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Here, let me introduce you to my new better half!”

A.    “Oh, you actually exist?”

B.     “Wow, you look a lot like the last better half.”

C.    “Run now, before it’s too late!”

D.    “Hello.”

“Hello.”

“Amazing!  I bet you two are going to get along famously!”

“I’m never quite sure what that means.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “All right, bestie, wanna come with me to my aunt-in-law’s cousin’s toddler’s dance recital?  It’ll be over two hours long, and no one’s allowed to leave before the end.”

A.    “Not really.”

B.     “Do I have to?”

C.    “Must you inflict your family on me?”

D.    “Pass.”

E.     “Let me get back to you on that.”

F.     “I’m allergic to dance.”

G.    “Oh.”

“Do I have to?”

“What?”

“I mean: Oh.”

“What?”

“I mean: Let me get back to you on that.”

“So that means ‘No’, right?”

“…Pass.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “I’ve never been this upset in my entire life!  Look at my hands: I am literally trembling with rage!  I don’t know – what would you do in my situation?”

A.    “Get revenge.”

B.     “Don’t care.”

C.    “It could always be worse.”

D.    Say nothing and nod

[Nods]

“It’s all right, you can be honest with me: there are no wrong answers here.”

JEOPARDY!!!!  JEOPARDY!!!!

A.    SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

B.     SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

C.    SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

D.    SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

[Nods]

“I know, I’m probably being overdramatic, but the whole thing really grinds my gears, know-what-I-mean?”

A.    NOD!

B.     NOD!

C.    NOD!

D.    NOD!

[Nods]

“Exactly!  You’re such a great listener.”

Story 585: We Are Not Cancelling on Account of Rain

             (At a Little League baseball game, torrents of rain fall on the players, coaches, and umpire on the field, and the family members on the bleachers; players also slip and slide every time they run, throw, swing, hit, and miss)

Coach: (Sloshing over to Umpire standing behind the sinking catcher) Listen, I think we should call the game.

Umpire: (Chewing gum while never taking eyes off the field) What for?

Coach: …The monsoon we’re in the middle of!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, I’ve seen monsoons; this is nothing.  (To one of the players in the outfield) Number 7: stop fooling around and maintain your position!

Player #7: (Unsteadily getting up from the ground) I’m trying!  (Slips and falls again)

Coach: You see!  We’re gonna start getting sprained ankles and knees and who-knows-what-else any second now, I just know it!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, these kids are all wimps – a mini- ordeal like this is just the thing to toughen `em up.  (A player slides to first base and knocks over the player stationed there, another coach, and a hovering parent like bowling pins) Safe!  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!  (Claps hands twice in approval)

Coach: (Slip-running to first base while yelling at the rest of the field) That’s it!  We’re done!  Everybody pack up and go home!

(Everyone slip-runs to pack up their gear and swim to the cars in the parking lot)

Umpire: (To Coach) Hey!  You don’t have the authority to make that decision!

Coach (Yelling back from the driver’s seat of a departing car) It’s a unanimous decision!  (Hauls away through a newly formed river that has taken over the exit)

Umpire: (Still standing in position in the now-empty field) Weaklings, the whole lot of them.  If they can’t handle a little precipitation during a meaningless event, what’re they gonna do when a real challenge faces them, huh?  (Is drenched by a sudden deluge sloughing off a nearby overhang) Hm….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(On Easter Sunday, a family of four dressed in their best emerges from their house and into the pouring rain)

Parent 1: (Shielding a camera while running to the front lawn) OK, everybody go stand in front of the tree!  (Parent 2, Child 1, and Child 2 slosh through the muddy lawn and stand in front of a tree) Now, smile!  (Parent 1 holds up the camera as the other three grimace)  I said “Smile”!

Parent 2: (Shouting though the downpour) Maybe we should do this inside!

Parent 1: No way; our Easter photos are always outside to show off the wonders of spring and the rebirth of Nature!

Parent 2: You can’t see any of that right now!  The animals are all hiding in their nests, and my flowers have all drowned!

Parent 1: Hey, outdoors is outdoors!  Now quit yapping and show me those pearly whites!  (The other family members grimace wider as Parent 1 takes the picture) Well, I suppose that’ll have to do.  Now, off to Church to celebrate the day, dangit!

Parent 2: (To Child 1 and Child 2) Kids, go inside and change into your playclothes and raingear.

Child 1 and Child 2: Yay!  (They splash back into the house)

Parent 2: (To Parent 1) I, too, will be changing into waterproof and casual clothing.

Parent 1: (Wringing out sleeves) But – but – spring!  Easter!  Rebirth!  April showers to bring out May flowers!

Parent 2: I DON’T CARE!

Parent 1: Well that certainly isn’t in the spirit of the season.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(On a street, two townsfolk sit on a curb, wearing raincoats and getting drenched)

Townsfolk 1: You know what bums me out?

Townsfolk 2: What?

Townsfolk 1: That here we are, stuck in a perpetual shower for the past month, inundated with more water than we could ever use, rivers rising, and towns flooding, and only a few thousand miles away, fires are destroying everything everywhere and could be stopped by this very never-ending rain that seems to like it here and we didn’t really need that much of.

Townsfolk 2: I think that’s what’s called “irony”.

Townsfolk 1: Or just “unfair”.

Townsfolk 2: (Looks down the street) Whelp, here they come.

(Both stand and step back onto the sidewalk to join the rest of the crowd as a parade, including a marching band and motorized floats, blusters around the corner and on the street past them; the participants attempt to march and play against the steady downpour of water and wind up splashing all the spectators)

Townsfolk 1: (Sputtering out water after a float drives by) You think anything’ll grow after the rain finally stops?

Townsfolk 2: (Gives up trying to brush off the new water and allows it to mingle with the old water) “Grow”?

Townsfolk 1: You know: flowers, plants, trees, crops – you think any of it’ll grow after all this?

Townsfolk 2: I think the mold will.

Story 584: Waiting for the Epic Office Romance to Begin

            (In an office hallway, Manager and Employee 1 walk toward a cubicle)

Manager: (As both stop in front of the cubicle entrance) So, I think that covers everything for orientation – any questions for me before you officially start your first day here?

Employee 1: No, I’m all set and ready to begin the next big chapter in my life where I finally find meaning and purpose through serving others and living up to my fullest potential.

Manager: Well, we just sell office supplies here, so don’t get your hopes up too much, heh-heh-heh, [Sigh].  (Appears momentarily deflated)

Employee 1: Oh, the type of work doesn’t matter: as long as I excel in all things and am surrounded by colleagues who are interesting, funny, and/or emotionally deep, I’m sure to find my soulmate in no time.

Manager: …I’m sorry, what?

Employee 1: You know: throw yourself into the job so you can be the best that you can be, all so that when the time is right you are ready and worthy of passionate love from one of your compatible coworkers, and vice versa.  They’re the only people in your life who ever really understand you.

Manager: Um, OK; it’s not exactly against H.R. policy as long as the individuals are in the same pay grade, but interoffice romances aren’t exactly encouraged around here.

Employee 1: Intra.

Manager: What?

Employee 1: Never mind – why not?

Manager: Because they’re been found to be very… disruptive.  And obnoxious.

Employee 1: Well, no need to fear on that account: I’m very discreet.

Manager: That’s not the – look, just do your job, and socialize with your colleagues only at work-sanctioned events, and everything should be fine, m’kay?

Employee 1: Is that an order?

Manager: It’s a strong recommendation.

Employee 1: I’ll take it under advisement, then.

Manager: Please do.  (Gestures to the workspace inside the cubicle) Your desk.  Decorate the space however you wish, as long as it’s rated G.

Employee 1: (Walks into the cubicle and looks around the blank walls, nodding satisfactorily) An empty canvas for my inner self to shine through.

Manager: Swell; I’ve got a meeting – (Checks watch) two minutes ago, but message me if you need anything otherwise.  (Dashes away)

Employee 1: (Sits on a rolling chair and spins slowly, taking in the ambience) Let the great adventure begin….

SIX MONTHS LATER

(In a conference room)

Employee 2: (Standing in front of a screen that shows a presentation and advancing to the last slide) And that’s the end – any questions?  (Employee 3 raises a hand) Yes?

Employee 3: (As Employee 4 yanks the other’s hand down) No.

Employee 2: No?

Employee 4: (Glaring at Employee 3) No!

Employee 2: Ohhh-kaay… anyone else?  (No one moves) All right: if you think of anything later, you know where to find me.  (No one moves) Bye.  (Most of the other attendees quickly leave as Employee 2 starts cleaning up; while shutting down the computer, looks up briefly and sees Employee 1 is now standing in front of the station) Oh, hey; I thought everybody had left.

Employee 1: They did.

Employee 2: (Still working on the computer) Heh, yeah.  (Finishes there, then looks again at Employee 1) So, you have any questions about the presentation you didn’t want to ask in front of the others?

Employee 1: No.

Employee 2: (Awkward silence) OK, then what can I help you with?

Employee 1: That was a very good presentation you did today.

Employee 2: Aw, thanks.

Employee 1: I think you’re a very smart person who will go far in life.

Employee 2: Well, that’s a nice thing to say.

Employee 1: You’re also witty, charming, and fun to be with.

Employee 2: …Thanks?

Employee 1: You also are one of the few people on this planet who truly gets me.  I can tell you anything, and you understand completely.  We are like two pieces who finally realize that they fit together perfectly in the jigsaw puzzle of life.

Employee 2: OK, I gotta stop you right there: are you asking me out on a date or something?

Employee 1: …I was building up to that, yes.

Employee 2: You know I’m married!

Employee 1: But you’ve never really felt true love until you finally met me, right?

Employee 2: No!  I am very much in love with my spouse, both then and now!

Employee 1: So the vows of fidelity weren’t sworn in haste because you’d given up on finding your predestined mate, and you don’t regret having sacrificed your one chance of happiness once I entered your life at last?

Employee 2: (Considers the wording for a few moments) Yessss?  Yes.  I don’t regret anything.  Except this conversation.

Employee 1: (Nods) I understand.  (Walks to the conference room door, then turns back) I suppose this now means you’d rather I wasn’t your partner in the office tennis match this Saturday?

Employee 2: Most definitely so; I’ll take care of switching our teams around.

Employee 1: Very well.  Good-bye forever – you have no idea of the grand romance you’re depriving yourself.

Employee 2: I’ll manage my disappointment somehow.  (Employee 1 leaves) Now where on Earth did that all come from?!  I think we’ve spoken twice in all the time I’ve been here!

SIX MONTHS LATER

(Employee 5 is working in a cubicle)

Employee 5: (Clicking around multiple areas on the computer screen) Copy… and… paste… and… send.  Another report down; 639 to go.

Employee 1: (Sticks in head at the cubicle entrance) Hi, can I talk to you for a minute?

Employee 5: (Turns around in chair) Um, sure, yeah.  (Employee 1 enters) What’s up?

Employee 1: Well, I’ve been in this office for a year now, and not gotten very far.

Employee 5: Oh, that’s too bad: it seems like you’ve been doing OK with all the projects they give you and everything.

Employee 1: (Pacing dramatically within the confined space) Yes-yes, all that’s been fine, and my career development has been phenomenal, but the picture’s incomplete without the love of my life who’s supposed to be here, but so far isn’t.

Employee 5: …Sorry?

Employee 1: (Stops pacing and faces Employee 5) Basically, I stopped by today because I’ve gone through the entire department and still no takers, so that leaves you as a last resort.

Employee 5: …Huh?

Employee 1: Perhaps it was always meant to be this way: casual acquaintances who are barely aware of each other’s existence, suddenly thrown together by happenstance and realize they complement each perfectly, and now will have the lifetime of bliss they so richly deserve and others will envy, `till death do they part.

Employee 5: …What?

Employee 1: I personally prefer the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers route, but hey, I’ll take whatever the universe decides to graciously bestow upon me at this point.

Employee 5: …Eh?

Employee 1: I know, this is all so sudden for both of us, but when true love finally shows up and slaps you in the face, you really should start paying attention, am-I-right?

Employee 5: …Who?

(Manager appears in the cubicle entrance)

Manager: (To Employee 5) Are you OK?

Employee 5: …Yes?

Manager: Good.  (Points to Employee 1) You.  In my office.  Now.  (Leaves)

Employee 1: (To Employee 5) Perhaps Fate will allow us to continue this conversation later, but I doubt it.  Farewell, The One Who Got Away.  (Strides out purposefully)

Employee 5: …Where?

(In Manager’s office several minutes later, Employee 1 enters)

Manager: Close the door.

Employee 1: (On closing the door, sees Manager seated at the desk with H.R. Representative seated nearby) Ah.

Manager: Yes, “Ah”: sit.  (Points to the chair in front of the desk; Employee 1 sits calmly) You know what this is about?

Employee 1: My eternal quest for true love that is the right of all human beings?

H.R. Representative: Yes, we’ve received a number of harassment complaints about you regarding that “quest”.

Employee 1: Well, that’s a little harsh: I only approached each person once.

Manager: Yes, the only good parts about this debacle is that you backed off right away every time, and you kept your hands to yourself – otherwise, you’ve created a very disruptive working environment over the past few months, which is exactly what I said would wind up happening if you started this nonsense!

Employee 1: But Your Honor, how else am I going to find my life companion except in an environment of shared loathing such as work?

Manager: I’m not a judge!

Employee 1: Oh.  Gotta say, certainly acting like one right now.

Manager: Bottom line is: go find your soulmate at a bar or an online dating site or in the supermarket like everybody else; apologize to everyone in this office who you’ve bothered with this garbage; and keep everything you say and do here strictly work-related going forward; or else you’re through with this company, understand?!

H.R. Representative: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you.

Manager: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you!

Employee 1: Very well.  I will begin my apology tour at once.  (To H.R. Representative) Please send me the courses and I will complete them promptly.

H.R. Representative: Excellent.  (Starts typing on a tablet)

Employee 1: (To Manager) May I go now?

Manager: Please do.

Employee 1: (Stands, walks to the door, and opens it, but then turns back to Manager) You know, I don’t think we’ve ever clashed like this before; perhaps this is our friends-to-enemies-to-friends again-to-lovers one true romance that has been waiting for us this entire –

Manager: (Points to the door) OUT!

Employee 1: Never mind.  (Leaves)

H.R. Representative: (Pauses in typing) Does that count as violating the remediation terms already?

Manager: (Props elbows on the desk and slumps head into hands) Give one more chance – in a horrible ironic twist, that’s the only employee right now who can fix the copier when it jams.

Story 583: Drama On-Screen, Drama Off-Screen

 [Not inspired by a true story; just a parody of a sci-fi show’s on- and off-screen shenanigans]

(On the bridge of a starship in the distant future, when all of Earth’s major problems have been solved but the universe still has most of them; most of the crew members are human and from the U.S.A.; and all ship’s systems work perfectly – until they don’t)

Captain: (Sitting relaxed in The Big Chair) Well, now that the crisis with the Betelgeusian Empire has been averted once again, let’s get back to our real jobs of exploring every last bit of space dust out there.

First Officer: (Sitting in a nearby Not-As-Big-Chair) I couldn’t agree more, Cap’n.

Captain: (Swivels chair to face a side bank of computers where several crew members continuously tap lots of buttons, and addresses a mechanical being seated there) Commander A.I.: What’s the nearest star system we haven’t poked our heads in on yet?

Commander A.I.: (Swivels chair to face Captain) The closest to this vessel would be the binary system designated HD 93308, Captain.

Captain: Eh?

Commander A.I.: The name more commonly used by your species would be Eta Carinae.

Captain: Great, splendid, thanks – go back to your space experiments or robot supremacy manifesto or whatever it is you do all day.

Commander A.I.: Acknowledged.  (Swivels back to continue manifesto titled Someday I Will Be Captain)

Captain: (Swivels chair to face the front of the bridge) Helm: set a course for Eta Carinae, maximum close-but-not-quite-light speed, and get us there ASAP!

Helm: (Stationed in front of the main viewscreen) Aye, Captain: setting course.  (Taps a bunch of buttons)

Tactical Officer: (Sitting at a station in the back of the bridge) Captain, I must protest this decision – we have no idea what is in that system; the inhabitants could vaporize us the moment we arrive!

Captain: (Without turning around) Noted and ignored.  (To Helm) Proceed ASAP!

Helm: Aye-aye, Captain: off we go!

(The ship powers up for close-but-not-quite-light speed, then suddenly powers down)

First Officer: (To Captain) Did we forget to fill up the tank at the last port?

Captain: (Taps an intercom button) Engineering!  What is going on down there?!

Chief Engineer: (Voice) I have no idea, Captain!  One minute everything was working; next minute everything is kaput!  I’ll have to rebuild the entire engine from scratch, and I have no idea why!  (Sounds of weeping and wailing from the entire Engineering department is heard)

Captain: All right, tell your team to pull themselves together and rebuild the engine – shouldn’t take more than a few hours, right?

Chief Engineer: It’s completely fried, Captain!  This’ll take weeks, if not years!

Captain: Hm.  In that case, call me back when you have better news.  (Taps the intercom button off and turns to First Officer) Wonder how something like this could’ve happened?

First Officer: (Shrugs) I dunno – everything always works perfectly here, so the only possible explanation is outside saboteur.

(A crew member with cranial appendages not found on humans stands up at a station on the opposite side bank of computers)

Science Officer: Not quite!  The cause is an inside saboteur!

Captain: Oh, that’s good to know – who is it?

Science Officer: …Me.

Captain: Oh, thanks for telling us, then – wait, what?!  Why?!

Science Officer: Isn’t it obvious?  I loathe you all with every ounce of my being!

Captain: Since when?!  We just celebrated your birthday last week and you said you had a blast!

Science Officer: Only to conceal my inner rage!

(By now the entire bridge crew has stopped tapping buttons and swiveled their chairs around to watch this conversation)

First Officer: Hang on: you and I bonded only days ago when we crash-landed on that desert moon, and you even said that you admired my bravery and resourcefulness and all that stuff!

Science Officer: Yes, well… I meant that, but I still loathe you all!

Captain: But why, I ask again?!

Science Officer: Because your humans-only clique never really let me in as a true member!

Captain: Well, we tried our darndest, but in some areas your species is just too weird for us to handle, OK!  Get over it!

Science Officer: Never!  (Taps the ship-wide intercom button) Attention, crew members, civilian contractors, passengers, and children who really shouldn’t be out in space while still maturing and with all the dangers we encounter regularly: I despise every last one of you, and soon I will have my revenge!

Captain: (Stands) Unacceptable!

Science Officer: And furthermore, I am taking full command of this vessel, and will soon commence with punishing you all in horrible ways, and – (Clears throat) and – (Sighs heavily)

Captain: Yes?

“Science Officer”: (Slowly sits) I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Captain: Whaddya mean, Lieutenant?

“Science Officer”: I mean, I can’t convincingly play a character who’s suddenly an undercover malcontent since the beginning of the series and decided long ago to turn traitor, when I’ve been best buds with everyone up until this episode and you never gave me any notes before now saying otherwise!

“Captain”: (To the ceiling) Cut!  (Sits down; back to “Science Officer”) Well, as I explained at the table read, we’ve been on for five seasons and need to shake things up a bit – “secret traitor” is storyline gold, so sorry that you drew the short straw on that but this is the only way to keep our show relevant, the fans’ll talk about it for years if not forever, and it really does make sense for your character if you think about it.

“Science Officer”: No it doesn’t!  It makes zero sense with the way the character’s arc has developed so far, and now the audience is gonna hate both the character and me because most can’t separate the two!

“Captain”: That’s not true!  Most will just hate the character and feel sorry for you; take the win.

“Science Officer”: You just want to write me off the show, is that it?!

“Captain”: Don’t be absurd – I’d’ve killed off your character between seasons so I’d never have to see you again if I’d wanted to write you off the show!

“Commander A.I.”: Excuse me!  (Everyone else swivels in their chairs to face the opposite side of the bridge) Does this count as a break, because I would really like to take this thing off!  (Points with both hands to helmet head)

“Captain”: Sure, fine, take the thing off.  (“Commander A.I.” yanks off the slightly stuck helmet head, sweating and gasping for air) I don’t get why you’re complaining – we finally got you that expensive cooling system like the astronauts have and everything.

“Commander A.I.”: Oh yes.  And it’s doing JACK POOP!

“Science Officer”: Heh, just be thankful you don’t have to get up at 3:00 every morning for prosthetics smothering your whole face and sometimes – (Shudders) your whole body.

“Commander A.I.”: True, but you also don’t have to breathe through a bucket!

“Captain”: We’re getting off-track here.  (Swivels back to “Science Officer” as “Commander A.I.” takes out a cellphone from a costume compartment and starts typing) No, I am not writing you off the show –

“Science Officer”: HA!

“Captain”: After this storyline ends, your character’ll still be in the same role on the ship, unchanged.

“Science Officer”: How is that even possible?!  I literally declared revenge on everyone onboard!  They’re all just going to forget that?!

“First Officer”: (To “Captain”) Yeah, the whole thing really seems out of character for… everybody.

“Helm”: (Briefly raises a hand) I agree – anyone else would’ve been court-martialed, and maybe even executed.

“Captain”: Nobody’s executed in space utopia!

“Helm”: OK, how about “socially shunned”?

“Captain”: C’mon, folks, you were all at the table read, you knew this was happening for months, if you had any concerns why didn’t you say anything back then?!

“Science Officer”: I did say something back then.

“First Officer”: So did I.

“Tactical Officer”: So did I.

“Helm”: So did –

“Captain”: All-right-all-right; and if you also remember, I told you at the time that it’ll all work out, and you just have to trust the process!

(A Production Assistant enters from a back corner of the bridge with a large frozen drink and brings it to “Commander A.I.”)

Production Assistant: Here ya go.

“Commander A.I.”: (Takes the drink) Ah, bless you.  (Presses the plastic cup against forehead and cheeks and then drinks from the straw desperately as Production Assistant exits through the viewscreen)

“Captain”: (To “Commander A.I.”) For real?!  You can’t be having that now – we’re gonna start again in another five minutes!  (“Commander A.I.” blankly stares at “Captain” over the straw, then slowly swivels away while holding one arm up and back to give the finger) That’s just great.  (Back to “Science Officer”) Listen, I understand this situation is a bit… frustrating –

“Science Officer”: Understatement of the year.

“Captain”: But it’ll all work out for great drama, I promise.  And if for some reason it doesn’t, the blame’ll fall on me as showrunner, and you’ll still get a primetime television award at the end of the day.

“Science Officer”: Really?

“Captain”: Oh yeah, you’ll be a shoo-in!

“First Officer”: (To “Science Officer”) Heads-up: you’ll more likely win the sci-fi genre award rather than the primetime one.

“Science Officer”: (Downcast) Oh.

“First Officer”: But still, award’s an award though, am-I-right?

“Science Officer”: I guess.

“Tactical Officer”: I have a question.  (Everyone else turns to face the back of the bridge) If that character’s getting written off, does that mean that mine can get more lines?

“Science Officer”: Hey!

“Tactical Officer”: Sorry, but all I seem to say lately are “We can’t trust them, Captain!” and “Lifeforms detected, Captain!” and “Freeze!”

“Captain”: I just said that character is not getting written off!  Does no one listen to me?!

(“Doctor” enters from the back corner of the bridge)

“Doctor”: Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been waiting for my cue for about 10 minutes – is it all right if I take lunch now instead?

“Captain”: (Sighs) Yes, go ahead, take lunch.

“Commander A.I.”: (Waves frantically at “Doctor”) Ooh-ooh-ooh, can I come with you?!

“Doctor”: Sure, if it’s all right with – (Gestures at “Captain”)

“Commander A.I.”: It is!  (Leaps up from the seat and runs to join “Doctor”)

“Captain”: Hey!  (“Commander A.I.” and “Doctor” freeze, then slowly turn back around; “Captain” points at the helmet head left on the floor) If you’re leaving, you gotta take your head with you – you know we’re all responsible for our own costumes and props!

“Commander A.I.”: (After a few moments, holds out the drink to “Doctor”) Would you mind holding this for a minute, please?

“Doctor”: You bet.  (Takes the drink, surreptitiously takes off the lid, and takes a sip)

(“Commander A.I.” and “Captain” glare at each other as the former slowly walks back to the side bank of computers, breaks the look to pick up the helmet head, then after a pause savagely drop-kicks it across the set to an unoccupied corner.  Everyone else except “Captain” has shocked grimaces on their faces as the two glare at each other again while “Commander A.I.” slowly walks back to “Doctor”)

“Commander A.I.”: (Primly takes back the drink) Thank you.

“Doctor”: (As they leave) Maybe we should get some hot green tea for stress relief –

“Commander A.I.”: No hot tea!

“Captain”: (To self) Surrounded by unprofessionalism.  (Back to “Science Officer”) So: are we good now?

“Science Officer”: I suppose I can make some award-worthy lemonade out of this character-destroying lemon, yes.

“Captain”: That’s all I ask.  (To everyone on the bridge) All right, folks: guess we’re on lunch now.

(Everyone else cheers, leaps out of their seats, and runs off the set)

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) Did I just hear “lunch”?!

“Captain”: Yes, you can leave the sound booth now; we’ll do a scene with you in-person this afternoon.

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) You mean I have to get in costume and make-up?  I thought I was getting to skip all that today.

“Captain”: You had five lines in the booth; how long did you think it was going to take?!

“Chief Engineer”: All day.

“Captain”: Fair enough; go enjoy your break.

“Chief Engineer”: Oh, I will.  (Sounds of “Chief Engineer” throwing off headphones and running out of the booth)

(“Captain” leans back in the chair and closes eyes; “First Officer” re-enters the set)

“First Officer”: You coming along?

“Captain”: (Opens eyes) I have no appetite at the moment.

“First Officer”: We have at least another 10 hours to go after this.

“Captain”: Yep, well, I’ll do my usual and sneak snacks when I’m not on-screen.  I can’t face all of them in the cafeteria right now.

“First Officer”: Got it.

“Captain”: Thanks for helping me out earlier – you’d make a good real-life first officer.

“First Officer”: No problem, but now you owe me one.

“Captain”: Oh, right…. (“First Officer” stares significantly at “Captain”) Fine: I’ll put back in that scene where you perform your one-person Macbeth, even though I still think it really, really, really doesn’t fit… anywhere.

“First Officer”: Hey, it’s space – anything is possible.