(In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a tuna fish sandwich)
Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Hey, everything OK?
Friend 1: Do you know what date it is?!
Friend 2: Uhhh, yeah, it’s November 30.
Friend 1: (Shoving a supermarket cart down the greeting card aisle; the phone is wedged between a shoulder and an ear) Exactly! Thanksgiving was so late this year that I have not bought, let alone mailed, one season’s greetings card yet! Not! One!
Friend 2: (Resumes sandwich) Relax, there’s plenty of time.
Friend 1: I have no time!
Friend 2: But there’s still almost a whole month until Christmas and Kwanzaa, and it’s even almost two weeks until Hanukkah starts –
Friend 1: I HAVE NO TIME!
Friend 2: Whatever. Then what are you calling me for?
Friend 1: I need someone who’d understand what I’m going through right now!
Friend 2: Let me know when you find one. (Disconnects the call and closes eyes while enjoying the rest of the sandwich)
Friend 1: (“Gaaah”s while tossing the phone into the shopping cart, then faces the rows of cards with all the December and early January holidays. Frantically scans the tab headings while muttering) No time – no time – no time – no time – (Finally sweeps a whole swath of cards and plastic holders into the cart and races to the cash registers at the front of the store) Why must I be burdened with so many loving family and friends?!
ONE WEEK LATER
(Friend 1 is relaxing on the living room couch watching a movie)
Friend 1: Heh-heh, silly audience-insert character – don’t you know the protagonist is really explaining the whole situation to us? (Pauses the movie to answer the ringing phone) Yo – `sup?
Friend 2: Glad to hear you suddenly have all the time in the world.
Friend 1: What’re you talking about?
Friend 2: Never mind; listen, were you paying attention when you were hysterically mailing all those cards you just had to get at the end of last month?
Friend 1: Last mon – oh, you mean last week.
Friend 2: Still was last month – you had that much time.
Friend 1: Fine, yeah, I kept track of what I sent out; why, you got yours already?
Friend 2: Oh, I sure did.
Friend 1: Great!
Friend 2: And I ain’t your grandkid.
Friend 1: …What’s that?
Friend 2: You sent me a card that said “Happy Hanukkah to My Beloved Grandchild.”
Friend 1: Odd….
Friend 2: What’s even odder is that you handwrote my name inside and called me “Bestie.”
Friend 1: Interesting….
Friend 2: Thanks anyway for the thought, but you might get a few more phone calls like this. (Disconnects)
Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto the couch and resumes the movie) Probably a fluke.
(Several states away, Friend 1’s Grandparent opens a card from Friend 1)
Grandparent: (Reads) “Merry Christmas to the Best Teacher I Ever Had. A+!” Oh dear, I think that child has lost it. Bound to happen with this family.
(Several towns away, Friend 1’s parents open their card)
Dad: (Reads) “Season’s Greetings to the World’s Best Boss, From All of Us in the Office!” Wow.
Mom: What disturbs me most is that “Mom and Dad” are handwritten inside.
(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Aunt opens a card)
Aunt: (Reads) “Mazel Tov on Your Bar Mitzvah!” I don’t even know where to start.
(Several towns away, Friend 3 opens a card)
Friend 3: (Reads) “Happy Kwanzaa to You and Yours!” Aw, that’s nice.
(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Cousin opens a card)
Cousin: (Reads) “Every Christmas Married to You Reminds Me Miracles Really Do Come True”…. Did I miss something?
ONE WEEK LATER
(In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich)
Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Yes, how can I help you today?
Friend 1: (Soaking feet in a home pedicure tub) So yeah, a whole bunch of people called, but I am not doing this again.
Friend 2: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Friend 1: The thing with the cards!
Friend 2: Oh, that. Well, that’s what you get when you rush, especially when it seems you didn’t even have to.
Friend 1: I must say, there was one recipient who did get a holiday- and relationship-appropriate card from me.
Friend 2: Congratulations: a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Friend 1: Scorn away – I will triumph.
Friend 2: In what? It’s over!
Friend 1: In next year. I’ll send all my cards in August, and we’ll see who’s confused then!
Friend 2: Pretty much everyone, I’d imagine.
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