Story 417: Thanksgiving and Giving and Giving and….

 (In a family dining room on Thanksgiving, a long table and several extensions are surrounded by seated relatives in order of descending age.  The main poultry and bajillion sides cover the tables, and everyone waits to begin)

Relative 1: (Raises a glass) All right all, before we start the gluttony let’s have a few words of thanks – not from everyone, that would take forever – (The others relax with a sigh) but how about one of the quote-unquote “Senior Members” of our family, eh?  (Elbows Relative 2 in the next seat) That’d be you.

Relative 2: Heh?  Oh yeah, I guess that would be me.  Suppose I can whip up a few words to start us off.  (Stands and raises a glass) Firstly, I’m thankful we’re all here together for yet another year of these shenanigans.

Other Relatives: Awwwww.

Relative 2: Yes, it does my heart good to see two, three, four… five?  Five generations at this table – (Baby cries on cue and is whisked away, not to be seen again for the rest of the meal) and how lucky we are that we’re still able to meet like this, year after year after year after year after… anyway, we’re lucky this one here – (Gestures to Relative 3) still volunteers to host this thing, what, 17 years running now?

Relative 3: Twenty, actually – please don’t let that discourage you all from wanting to take over next year though, it’s a lot of fun, really!  (Looks expectantly around the table as everyone else stares at their plate)

Relative 2: Ah yes, the delicious food, the same every time but we all love it: the day-long-cooked turkey, the lumpy mashed potatoes – (Relative 4 looks up sharply) the cranberries that never come out quite right – (Relative 5 slowly tears a roll into pieces) the salad that’s supposed to be good for digestion but comes too late for all of us at that point – (Relative 6 sharply breaks the wishbone) and this other thing in a casserole dish that I never eat and never remember what exactly it is –

Relative 7: Succotash!  Every year, it’s succotash!

Relative 2: Yeah, gonna forget that in five seconds – all this, down our gullets in a good 10 minutes after literal days of prep, and everyone really is just biding their time for the apple pie and brownies later anyway – (Relative 3 softly grinds teeth) reminds me of the time back in 198…7?  Or was it `86?  I think my second kid was born by then….

(At one of the junior tables, Relative 8 is unobtrusively reading on a cell phone and brings up the headline: “Did You Know: The UK Title of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Was Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone?”  Relative 8’s eyes slowly widen in horror)

Relative 2: You know, I think it was actually 1993, right before we had that freak ice blizzard, you know, the one with the five-foot-deep frozen snow?  Anyway, back in `93 – or was it `94?  I think we had another ice blizzard then, too – when whoever it was hosting was so focused on all the sides that they forgot the actual turkey!  Clean-up certainly was a lot faster that year.  It’s funny, all my life I don’t think I’ve once done the dishes after a family get-together, although I have put away all the chairs and tables each and every time, which is a pain in the neck and a pain in the back, let me tell you…. Speaking of chairs –

Relative 9: OH MY GOSH, can we eat already, please?!

Relative 2: I’d say that was rude, if I wasn’t secretly hoping someone would stop me – the panic was starting to set in.

Story 416: What’s So Grand About That Canyon?

 (The tour bus parks in Grand Canyon National Park’s South Rim Visitor Center lot and deposits its human contents onto the nearest sidewalk)

Tour Leader: (Assembling the group off to the side) All right everyone, you can either come with me on the planned stops on the itinerary, or you can go do your own thing and meet us back here at 5 p.m. ON THE DOT for our return trip to Vegas.  It’s another four-plus hour drive back, so if you’re a second late, we are not waiting for you.  (Sees a raised hand in the group) Yes?

Friend 1: We getting dinner on the ride back?

Tour Leader: You get breakfast on the ride here?

Friend 1: Disappointingly, no.

Tour Leader: Same answer – anyone else?  (No one else) OK all: disperse!  (Most of the group members disperse; four remain with Tour Leader) Right, the rest you get to ride the shuttle buses with me to all the lookout points and attend a surprisingly fascinating lecture on geology.

Remaining Group Members: Yippee!  (They cheer all the way over to a nearby shuttle bus stop and line up for the short wait)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk to the Visitor Center building)

Friend 2: Isn’t this so exciting?!  We finally made it to the Grand Canyon, one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World!

Friend 1: Eh.

Friend 2: I’m going to ignore that dismissal.

Friend 1: A giant, asymmetrical chasm with a barely visible river at the way bottom, and everyone loses their minds and thousands of dollars a year to stare at it; I just don’t get it.

Friend 2: Oh come on, once you really see it I’m sure you’ll be awe-inspired and breath-taken the same as everyone else.

Friend 1: You know I’m only here to say I hiked down into it.  I’m just glad this is a day trip – we’re losing valuable Vegas time here.

Friend 2: You don’t even gamble: you just wanted to see the dancing waters and living statues on The Strip!

Friend 1: Yeah, but it’s Vegas, baby.  I have to live the Vegas life; whatever happens there stays there; Sin City is calling me –

Friend 2: Remind me of all that when you fall asleep in the hotel room after dinner again.

(A park ranger greets them at a table in front of the Visitor Center)

Ranger: Hello there!  First time at the Grand Canyon?

Friend 1: Is it that obvious?

Ranger: We say that to everyone: makes them feel special either way.  So, need help with anything?

Friend 2: Yes, we actually would like to hike down into the Canyon a bit and need some guidance on the types of trails here.

Friend 1: Preferably ones that are paved flat.

Ranger: Well, you definitely aren’t prepared for this.

Friend 1: Hey!

Ranger: You need lots of water, lots of snacks, be in excellent physical shape, and know your limits.

Friend 1: What’s your point?

Ranger: (Hands a map to Friend 2, the only one of the pair carrying a well-stocked knapsack) I recommend these two trails – (Points to those areas on the map) and keep in mind that it takes twice as long to get back up as it does to go down.  However, the South Rim Trail is paved flat for a long portion and offers fantastic views.

Friend 1: (Peers over at the map) A perimeter trail?  Pah!  We want to walk into the Canyon, have lunch at the Colorado River once we reach the bottom, walk up the other side to the North Rim, walk around that to get to the East Rim, and go along that to end back here, paying our respects along the way to each of the First Nations who still live here – maybe cutting over to the West Rim and back if, you know, we have a bit of time toward the end.

(Friend 2 has been slowly shaking their head during this; Ranger stares at Friend 1, then laughs hysterically)

Friend 2: We’ll probably stick to the South Rim Trail and maybe one of these – thanks!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm to lead both of them to a shuttle bus stop)

Friend 1: (Looking back at Ranger, who is still laughing and now banging the table in glee) A bit rude, don’t you think?

Friend 2: Did you even read up on this place before we planned the trip here?!

Friend 1: What’s to read up?  We’re gonna be walking around staring at a giant hole filled with a bunch of rocks!

Friend 2: I think I may leave you here.

(They ride the shuttle to the South Kaibab Trail stop and walk from there to the trailhead – several signs on the way warn of the dangers of dehydration and hyperthermia)

Friend 1: All this fuss over a walk in the park – (Finally sees the Grand Canyon in full view) oh.

Friend 2: (Spreads arms wide) Here it is!  (Takes out a camera and walks slightly closer to the edge for pictures) Ahhhhhhh, so majestic.  (To Friend 1, who still is staring at the view) You need to sit down?

Friend 1: (Gulps) N-no, just feeling a bit existentially insignificant right now; I’ll be fine in a second.  (Suddenly realizes a large elk has approached) Oh, hello there.  Want a granola bar?  (Starts to reach into pants pocket)

Friend 2: (Rushes over) Don’t give the pure animal our chemical rot!  (Drags away Friend 1)

Friend 1: But it’s granola!

Friend 2: Haven’t they suffered enough?!

(Friend 2 drags Friend 1 to the trailhead and they begin their descent)

Friend 1: (Pauses to stare down at the multiple switchbacks along the path into the Canyon, filled with tourists) Huh – lot of people with ski poles here, yet not a drop of snow in sight.

Friend 2: Those help with hiking; for you, just keep a steady pace and don’t rush.  (Continues down the path)

Friend 1: Ha!  You’re talking to the local park trail hiker expert here: I can walk a mile in less than the average 20 minutes!  (Starts walking after Friend 2, muttering) I know what I’m doing.

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

Friend 1: Slow down!

Friend 2: I have slowed down!  Any slower and I’d be moving backwards!

Friend 1: (Panting while stopping for a drink of water, holding one hand against the Canyon wall for support) I think – the altitude – is getting to me – is this the bends?

Friend 2: The bends would be the ocean, but you’re right about the altitude; if you’re having trouble with that then you should go back.

Friend 1: NEVER!  We are making it to the bottom at all costs!

Friend 2: I’d like to make it at least to Ooh Aah Point, so I can stand there and go “Ooh, aah.”

Friend 1: Haven’t we been doing that this entire time?

(Hikers with ski poles pass them on the way down)

Hiker 1: (To Friend 1) You all right?

Friend 1: Just because we’re all on this deceptively dangerous incline together does not mean you are welcome to be familiar with strangers.

Hiker 2: (To Hiker 1 as they continue on the trail) That one’s a helicopter ride back up.

Friend 1: I heard that!

Friend 2: Want to rest some more or keep on going?

Friend 1: (Recaps the water bottle) No: I am ready.  I can face anything now, even this mockingly vertical trail.

 TWO MINUTES LATER

 (Friend 1 is hugging the ground and shimmying backwards down the trail; Friend 2 impatiently waits at a turn up ahead)

Friend 2: I repeat: I can go back up with you if you want.

Friend 1: (Coughing up dust and pebbles) Nope!  You go on ahead – I’ll catch up in a second.  (Slides down a bit on some smooth rocks)

(A mule train with tourists steadily passes them on its way back up the Canyon)

Mule Tour Guide: (To Friend 1) You need to go back up, now.

Friend 1: I take no orders from animal exploiters!  (To the tourists as they pass) That’s right!  I highly doubt the mules actually enjoy lugging your sorry selves up and down this treacherous pit!  (Raises a fist in the air) Free the mules!  (Slides down the trail some more)

Friend 2: (Carefully hurries over and helps Friend 1 stand) Here – we’re going back to the top.

Friend 1: (Mildly delirious) But – Ooh Aah?

Friend 2: This is close enough for me.

 ONE HOUR LATER

(They stagger to the beginning of the trailhead and pass a few hikers having a picnic)

Hiker 1: (Clapping) Woo-hoo!  You made it!

Friend 1: (Being supported by Friend 2) We are not friends.

(Friend 2 leads Friend 1 to an open area looking out over the Grand Canyon where they sit with food and water)

Friend 1: (Slightly recovered) Well, that certainly wasn’t like the park trails at home.

Friend 2: That’s pretty much what everyone has been telling you since before we got here.

(They stare at the view for a while in silence; a squirrel approaches them, looking for food)

Friend 1: Heh – I read that you shouldn’t feed the squirrels around here and make sure they don’t bite you, `cause they carry the bubonic plague.  Can you believe it, the bubonic plague?  Feels so medieval.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1) Out of all the history and culture and science surrounding this place, that’s what you retained?!

Friend 1: It struck my sick fancy.

Story 415: Reverse Porch Pirates on the Residential Seas

 (While walking from the car to the condo unit, Resident checks a message on the phone that shows a package had been delivered; on arrival at the front door, it is seen that no package awaits.  Squinting closer at the photo of the delivery on the phone, realization dawns upon Resident)

Resident: Wait a minute – that is not my front door!  (Looks at own front door and back at the photo again to confirm) They delivered it to the wrong address!  Great, how am I ever gonna figure out which – (Recognizes the “Keep Out!” and similar signs posted on the door in the photo) oh it’s the next hallway over.

(Resident goes to the next hallway over, stares at the now-empty space where the package was delivered, and knocks on the door.  On the other side, a figure wearing a stereotypical pirate outfit opens it with one hand while holding an umbrella drink in the other; a large group of similarly-dressed colleagues are assembled in the living room, partying with DJ’d music)

Captain: (To Resident) Ahoy, matey – who be ye?

Resident: Hi, I’m your neighbor from the next hallway over –

Captain: Aye?

Resident: – and I had a package delivered today –

Captain: Aye?

Resident: – and I think it was delivered here by mistake.

Captain: Aye.

Resident: …Well?

Captain: Aye?

Resident: Was it delivered here?

Captain: Aye.  `Twas.  (Reaches over to a nearby table and holds up a pair of novelty socks) These be it?

Resident: Ah, yes, great!  (The two stare at each other for a few moments) Soooo….

Captain: Aye?

Resident: Could I have them back then?!

Captain: Nay.  (Tosses away the socks; they land on a dancing crew member)

Resident: What?!

First Mate: (Shouts from serving drinks at the bar stationed next to a lamp table) N – A – Y; means “No.”

Resident: I know what “Nay” means!  (Back to Captain) Why not?!

Captain: You see, young me-hearty, me and me crew here have recently retired from plunderin’ the high seas, so now rather than us goin’ to get the booty, we take the booty that be comin’ to us, you savvy?

Dancing Crew: Savvyyyyyy!!!!

Resident: Well, no, that’s not right – it was clearly addressed to me!

Captain: Ah, but in cases such as these, possession be 10/10ths of the law.

Dancing Crew: Yarrrrr!!!

Resident: (Holds up the phone with the screen facing Captain) But the courier who messed this up sent me a picture of it, so you’ve gotta give it back `cause the courts’ll side with me anyway!

Captain: (Downs the rest of the umbrella drink, smashes the glass onto a nearby wall, and draws a cutlass to point at Resident) What need we of courts when this can be settled as true buccaneers of the seven seas, eh, matey?

Dancing Crew: Arrrrr!!!

Captain: Aye.

Dancing Crew: Ayyyyye!!!

Resident: I’m not fighting you!

Captain: Aha!  Ye be a coward, then!

Resident: I be – I mean, I’m not getting into a knife fight over a pair of socks!

Captain: How dare ye!  This be a cutlass!  (Shakes said cutlass in Resident’s face)  It can slice a grapefruit in perfect twain and yet leave the pulp entirely intact with nary a drop spilt – let us see a piddlin’ knife do that, I ask ye!

Resident: Whatever: I’ll just call the cops on you for theft of property and threat of dismemberment.  (Starts dialing)

Captain: What about yer sense of honor?!

First Mate: (Shouts from the bar) But Captain, we have none.

Captain: Stow yer blowhole!

Resident: (On the phone) Yes, I’ll hold.  (To Captain) Everywhere you call lately, they put you on hold immediately.

Captain: We’ll be havin’ none of yer first world problems around here, matey!  (Uses the cutlass to pick up the socks from where they had been dumped onto the couch at some point and flings them at Resident, who fumblingly catches them) That booty was acquired fair and square, but in the spirit of high adventure, we gift them back to ye.  (Bows graciously)

Resident: (Disconnects the call and shakes the socks at Captain) That’s all you had to do from the beginning.  (Starts to leave when Captain holds out the cutlass to block the path)

Captain: (Leans in toward Resident) Next time, matey, we be keepin’ the spoils.  Permanently.

Dancing Crew: Huzzah!

Captain: (Turns back to Crew) Another round!  Me throat’s extremely parched with all this negotiatin`!

Dancing Crew: Ayyyye!!!!

(Captain slams the door and the dance music is raised to even higher decibels)

Resident: (Walks back to the other hallway while shaking head in disbelief, looks down at the socks, holds them out, and stops) I don’t believe it – they shipped me the wrong size!