Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!

Story 448: The Great 4th of July Party Platter Hunt

 The great hunt begins.

After the ordeal of commuting from The City after the ordeal of The Workday, The Hunter mounts the trusty metallic steed and frantically charges toward the stationary herds where the prey is anticipated to await.

The date: July 3.

The target: a fruit platter large enough for a gathering of both family and friends.

The back-up plan: buying individual strawberries, cantaloupes, honeydews, pineapples, and watermelons, and chopping up the whole mess.  This is not an ideal alternative: it will be slipshod, it will be haphazard, it will be slovenly, and it will reek of procrastination.

The Hunter arrives at Herd #1, Supermarket Down-the-Street; rapidly dismounts the cooling metallic steed; and charges directly into the Herd.

Target Acquired: the display of pre-packed fruit and vegetables sits brazenly in the open, daring those strong enough to come seize the spoils.

The Hunter hesitates not and plunges ahead.

The shelves in the display are practically bare: the only ones left are a tiny platter fit for a mere family dinner, and a large platter exactly at its sell-by date.

Blast.  The hunt continues.

The Hunter remounts the metallic steed and charges across the street to Herd #2, The Rival Supermarket Down-the-Street.

After several minutes wading through the terrain, it is determined that no fruit platters were ever actually to be had here.  This Herd is left intact, and the hunt continues once more.

The Hunter remounts the metallic steed yet again, temperature of both rider and vehicle steadily increasing, and embarks for Herd #3, The Supermarket Next-Town-Over.

Upon charging into the midst of the herd, it is glaringly apparent that all prey have been claimed by other hunters long ago; The Hunter about-faces and leaves immediately.

At The Rival Supermarket Next-Town-Over, the shelves empty of prey in Herd # 4 stare back at The Hunter for quite some time before the former runs out the door.  Less than a minute later, an employee wheels over a cart of platters to restock the shelves, unobserved.

At last, The Hunter has success with Herd #5: a fruit platter that is not too big or too small, but just right.  The Hunter uses a net with a grappling hook to snare the perfect platter, inspect the sell-by date, and whisk the prize off to the self-check-out lane.  The Hunt has come to a successful conclusion after much toil and heartache.

The date: July 4.

The great migratory herds of hunters and their metallic steeds slowly crawl through roads packed with massive numbers of their kind, as all head to watering holes of various sizes to eat, drink, and watch colored flames exploding in the sky to celebrate their status as an independent nation, and all the sacrifices and hard work that these festivities represent.

Hunter’s Companion, in the driver’s seat of the metallic steed, turns to Hunter as they wait to advance another inch and says, “You know, it’ll take us forever to get there, but at least it’ll be fun once we do.  Good thing you got the fruit platter yesterday instead of waiting till today, huh.”

Hunter: “…I left it on the kitchen counter!”

Story 377: You Make a Terrible Relative

 (At a toddler’s birthday party)

Parent: (Greeting Relative in the crowded living room) Thank you so much for coming!

Relative: Sure – listen, I don’t know what the kids are into nowadays so I got the little tyke one of those credit card gift cards they sell at the supermarket.  (Hands over a gift card that has a tiny bow stuck on it) Tell `em “Go to town.”

Parent: (Gingerly takes the card) Oh, thank you – he is only turning 3, and if you weren’t sure what to get you could always call or e-mail me, that’d’ve been fine.

Relative: Yeah, I didn’t think of that.  Guess there’s always next year, right?  (Looks around at family and friends scattered about or romping about the room and furniture) So what’s next; I never know what to do at these things.  Any entertainment stopping by later?

Parent: Please just eat something.

(At a holiday get-together in a house)

Cousin: Oh hi, it’s so nice to see you; how’ve you been?

Relative: Could be worse – you?

Cousin: I’m good.  Remember last time we were all together like this, what was it, somebody’s 90^th birthday party?

Relative: I’m gonna be honest with you: these get-togethers and the people in them are all a blur, so I never remember your name or how exactly we’re related.

Cousin: Oh.  Our parents are cousins so we have the same great-grandparents – I think that makes us first cousins once removed?  Or second cousins?  I never know the difference.

Relative: Sounds too distant for me to care; as long as you make me laugh and aren’t too judgy, we’re good.

Cousin: …OK, I’m going to help set the table for dinner – nice talking to you.  (Heads to the kitchen)

Relative: Same here.  (Spreads across a couch and snacks on crackers and cheese) I’m gonna stay out of the way of setting up or clearing up or cleaning up or any of that – wouldn’t want to presume in someone else’s house.  (Grabs the last napkin) Aaaaand I forgot how we’re related again already.

(At a wedding reception)

Relative: (Sitting with other haphazard family members) Hi.  (Nods in greeting at each person)  How many hours’re left in this thing?

Distant Cousin 1: Well, they just served the pasta and salad so we’ve got quite a bit to go yet.

Distant Cousin 2: You know, technically you can leave whenever you want, heh-heh-heh.

Relative: That is true.  (Fiddles with the flowers on the centerpiece) I already sat through the disappointingly long ceremony; you don’t think anyone’d notice me leaving if I got up and walked out right now?

Distant Cousin 3: I’d notice!

Relative: And what’s it to you?  You’re 5 years old and this is your first wedding – you haven’t experienced enough of the inane horrors of these things to have an opinion yet.  But you will.

Distant Cousin 1: At least stay for the main course, and the happy couple also’ll stop by later to thank us for coming so you should experience that.

Distant Cousin 2: Oh yeah, I see they’re bringing the fancy box with them so I’ll give our gift then.

Relative: What’re you talking about?

Distant Cousin 2: (Holds up an envelope) When they come over, I’ll just drop this in the box.

Relative: What, you got them another “Happy Wedding” card?

(The Distant Cousins stare at Relative)

Distant Cousin 1: It’s the wedding gift.

Relative: I sent them a bunch of wooden spoons ages ago, what more do they want?

Distant Cousin 2: You seriously didn’t bring anything tonight?

Relative: Unless you’ve got a washing machine in there I’m assuming you mean money, and in that case why should I?  I didn’t tell them to take on all this expense or start a blessed life together in unified debt!

Distant Cousin 3: You’re supposed to cover your plate.

Relative: That’s rubbish – they invited me!

Distant Cousin 1: They are family.

Relative: Yeah, family just means you think you can impose; tell them to write me out of the will and we’ll be even – ooh, prime rib’s here!  (Devours entrée and ignores the couple when they arrive)

(At home, Relative’s phone rings)

Relative: (Answers while reading a magazine) What’s up?

Mother: It’s your mother – what is this I hear you’re not going to your niece’s graduation?!

Relative: Oh, should I be?

Mother: Yes!  She’s your niece!

Relative: Just because one of my siblings decided to have a kid doesn’t make their goings-on any more meaningful to my life.

Mother: You –

Relative: Anyway, I thought it was optional, like “Hey, if you have nothing to do on a weekday and want to sit on uncomfortable bleachers in the baking sun for four hours,” that sort of thing.  I planned on cutting work and watching movies that day; it’s marked on my calendar.

Mother: You’d better be there and you’d better bring a gift this time!

Relative: Ugh, what is it with everyone and gifts?!  Besides, she just finished school, we’ve all done it, no big deal.

Mother: She’s getting her doctoral degree!

Relative: Oh.  Really?  Must’ve missed when she started that; good for her.

Mother: You really are clueless – and while we’re at it, would it kill you to visit your grandparents every once in a while?

Relative: …Do you mean literally?

Mother: I can’t believe you come from the same gene pool as the rest of us!  (Hangs up)

Relative: (Tosses away the phone while flipping through the magazine some more; mutters to self) Families sure are exhausting.