(In Hour 4 of a dinner with friends, Hosts 1 and 2’s eyes glaze over as their guest continues to sit across from them at the dining room table and shows no indication of leaving)
Friend: (Pouring another glass of soda) I don’t know about you two, but I personally think this year is gonna be just as bad as the last one, if not worse.
Host 1: (Stirs slightly out of a partial doze) Hm, what?
Friend: (Gulps down half a glass) Uh-huh. And if you really think about it, every year on this planet since its very creation has been the worst: volcanoes, ice ages, earthquakes, disease, the great dinosaur wipe-out, the very chemical make-up of the atmosphere changing over and over again, and then we show up, in all our misery, and decide it’s not enough to make each other miserable, let’s bring all Earth’s species and the planet itself in on the fun while we’re at it!
Host 2: Oh, I don’t know about that –
Friend: (Finishes off the glass and slams it onto the table in emphasis; Hosts 1 and 2 jump slightly in their seats) I do know! And the generations and generations of people trapped in poverty, abuse, despair, bigotry, war, crime, etc. ad infinitum, nine times out of 10 because of the mere fact they were born into this horror show called Life and their surroundings messed them over right out of the starting gate, makes me wish more and more every day that the whole set of shenanigans never even started in the first place. (Begins nibbling on fennel)
Host 1: (Reluctant to continue the conversation) Is… there someone you want to talk to about all this?
Friend: (In mid-bite) I’m talking to you, aren’t I? Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…. (Trails off giggling into the fennel)
Host 2: (Stretches around the back of the chair in order to see the clock in the living room) Oh my, didn’t realize it got so late, maybe it’s time you – (Is cut off by noises of a crowd outside running down the street)
Host 1: (Stands) What’s all that?
Friend: (Still holding the fennel) Humanity standing up for justice, possibly sprinkled with a few who ruin the whole thing for everybody?
(Host 1 goes to open the front door while Host 2 hangs back at the table)
Host 2: Sure that’s wise?
Host 1: Rather see what’s up instead of waiting to find out as something crashes through the window.
Friend: (Points the fennel at Host 1) My thoughts exactly.
(Host 1 opens the door to see a screaming crowd running away from a dragon shooting flames at them all the way down the block. Host 1 swiftly closes and locks the door and turns around to block it as the house slightly shakes with impact tremors)
Host 1: We didn’t serve alcohol tonight, right? (Host 2 and Friend shake their heads)
Friend: Well, guess this means we should hole up here for the night and keep constant vigil – I volunteer for third shift.
Host 2: No, this means we need to get out of here now before that thing gets us!
Host 1: (Looks out the front window) It seems to have passed us by.
Friend: Good, we hole up here, then. (Grabs a nutcracker and goes to work on a bowl of walnuts)
Host 2: (Stares agitatedly at Friend, then joins Host 1 at the door) But my show’s coming on soon!
Host 1: (Stares incredulously at Host 2) There’s a little bit more going on at the moment!
Friend: You two don’t mind me; I’ll can keep busy while you go fight the dragon. (CRACK)
Host 2: I am not fighting a dragon!
Friend: (Chewing) Good point: dragon’s just doing as dragons do, not its fault we’re its natural prey. Let `em eat us all; I say good riddance to the lot.
Host 2: Arggggghhhhhhh!!!!
Host 1: You two – (A resounding crash is heard from down the street) Now what?! (Grabs a baseball bat, unlocks the door, and heads out; Host 2 grabs a butter knife from the dining room table and heads out; Friend grabs another piece of fennel and heads out. The three run into the street and see a screaming crowd from a different direction running away from a spaceship that had crashed onto the middle of the boulevard. Two figures emerge from the top hatch)
Alien 1: (To Alien 2, broadcasting telepathically) You see?! I told you we wanted the fourth planet from the star, not the third!
Alien 2: You said land on the blue and green one.
Alien 1: I said not to land on the blue and green one! (Gestures to the haphazard screaming runners) Now look where you dropped us! Right in the middle of these planet-ruiners! You’d better get us out of here soon before we get sucked into their chaos! (A passerby runs a hand lovingly over the ship; Alien 1 bats the hand away; to Alien 2) LAUNCH!
Alien 2: Don’t have to tell me twice – at least the red one’s nice and quiet. (They close the hatch, power up the ship, and take off just before a solar flare streams through the night sky, sending a shock wave that knocks out electricity everywhere. The screaming crowd now runs in all directions; Host 2 sinks down to the ground and rocks slowly while holding their head; and Host 1 defensively holds up the bat while scanning the area)
Friend: (Starts nibbling on the fennel) So – mind if I put on the coffee for dessert?
