Story 650: Fall Equinox, Fall Equilux

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on a park bench, watching the ducks swim in a pond, when a leaf falls onto the ground from a nearby tree)

Friend 1: (Looks down at the leaf and sighs) Whelp, it’s official.

Friend 2: What is?

Friend 1: Fall.  Just as that leaf did.

Friend 2: Oh, well – that time of year.

Friend 1: I know, it’s only that I wish summer would last all year long – it feels shorter and shorter every time.

Friend 2: You were complaining when it was 90° less than a month ago.

Friend 1: Well, I don’t want that much summer.  Just a mellow 70-80° spread and 16 hours of sunlight each day is all I’m asking.

Friend 2: All year long?

Friend 1: All year long.

Friend 2: You know, today we get around 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night with the Fall Equinox.

Friend 1: I prefer the Fall Equilux.

Friend 2: What’s that?

Friend 1: Exactly 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night.  Happens about a day earlier.

Friend 2: For real?

Friend 1: It’s a science nerd thing – we mere mortals wouldn’t understand.

Friend 2: You’re the one who brought it up.

Friend 1: I liked the sound of it.

Friend 2: Whatever: what I was driving at was that you should at least be happy that we get equal parts day and night this week.

Friend 1: Yes, I’m sure we Northern Hemisphere-ers are just thrilled to be reminded that we’re now going to have more night than day for the next six months.

Friend 2: Southern Hemisphere-ers should be happy getting more day than night for the next six months, though.

Friend 1: True.  How I loathe them.

(They stare at the swimming ducks and the falling leaves while the setting Sun shines through the trees)

Friend 1: Doesn’t all this withering plant life remind you that, with every autumn, you’re that much closer to The End?

Friend 2: I actively try not to let it.

Friend 1: Oh.  Just me, then.

Friend 2: Right, OK, here are some stuff to look forward to: fall festivals.

Friend 1: Mm.

Friend 2: Apple picking.

Friend 1: Mm.

Friend 2: Halloween?

Friend 1: I’ve barely reached the point in the year where I can emotionally accept it.

Friend 2: Looking at the colors of the beautiful leaves –

Friend 1: Dead leaves.

Friend 2: – beautiful dead leaves that you don’t have to rake up?

Friend 1: Mmmm.

Friend 2: Pumpkin spice everything?

Friend 1: I can get that any time of the year.

Friend 2: Not really.

Friend 1: Oh.

Friend 2: Cooler walks in the park without sweating up a storm?

Friend 1: Eh.

Friend 2: Back to sweaters and jeans instead of T-shirts and shorts?

Friend 1: Hm.  I do love a good sweater.

Friend 2: OK then.

(They sit in silence for a few moments again)

Friend 1: All right, I think I’ve quietly mourned summer enough –

Friend 2: “Quietly”?

Friend 1: – and I’m ready to accept fall and all its trappings.  I only ask for one favor.

Friend 2: Sure, I’ll try – what is it?

Friend 1: Keep winter and all its trappings away from me until at least November.

Friend 2: Now that’s asking for a miracle.

Story 642: Midsummer or Mid-Summer?

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit in beach chairs facing a lake in a park and read beach-read books)

Friend 1: (Lowers the book to watch a duck land in the water and start taking a bath; to Friend 2) When is Midsummer anyway?

Friend 2: (Without looking up from reading) Northern Hemisphere or Southern?

Friend 1: Ha-ha.  (After a few moments of silence) Northern.

Friend 2: (Sets aside the book and takes out a cell phone) Well, let’s consult the Oracle, shall we?  If I can get a signal out here.  (Searches online for a minute) OK, got it: summer solstice.

Friend 1: What?!  That can’t be right.

Friend 2: (Holds out the phone to Friend 1) Oracle says so right here.

Friend 1: (Takes the phone, skims the online encyclopedia article, and hands the phone back to Friend 2) That makes no sense – why would people celebrate Midsummer at the beginning of summer?!

Friend 2: (Skims through the rest of the article) Says here the festival’s in the middle of the growing season.

Friend 1: Exactly: so why isn’t it called Midgrowing, then?

Friend 2: (Types a bit) I guess “Midsommar” has a nicer ring to it than “Mellanväxt”.

Friend 1: That’s not a real reason.

Friend 2: (Returns to the original article) Says here that it also celebrates the longest day of the year at the beginning of summer.

Friend 1: Yes, again, the beginning of summer, so why isn’t it – hang on – (Takes out a cell phone and types a bit) “Bӧrjan Av Sommaren”?

Friend 2: I dunno; go ask Scandinavian countries centuries ago when it all started.

Friend 1: (Nods and begins typing)

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1’s phone) I was being facetious – that wasn’t an invitation for you to cause an international incident.

Friend 1: Oh fine.  (Grabs the phone back and pockets it) So, going back to my original question: when is the midpoint of summer?

Friend 2: The exact middle of the season itself?

Friend 1: Exactly.

Friend 2: August 7.

Friend 1: (Blinks in shock) Wow – how did you know that precise date off the top of your head?

Friend 2: I read about it during summer vacation when I was 13, and I remembered it ever since.

Friend 1: Rought summer?

Friend 2: You have no idea.

Friend 1: Yeesh.  Well, good to know, thanks.

Friend 2: Why do you want to know, anyway?

Friend 1: (Stares out at the lake as more ducks arrive to bathe) Oh, just curious how much more of this glorious, magical season I have to enjoy, that’s all.

Friend 2: We’re in the middle of July.

Friend 1: (Wistfully) I know.

Friend 2: August 7 is weeks away, and even then you’d still have another month before the start of school that you no longer go to but still use as a benchmark for your year.

Friend 1: (Sighingly) I know.

Friend 2: Then why aren’t you enjoying this – (Waves an arm up at the blazing Sun and the cloudless sky and the chirping birds and the gentle breeze and the swaying trees and the green grass all around them) now?

Friend 1: I would, it’s just… fall will be here soon enough –

Friend 2: Oh, jeez.

Friend 1: And it’s supposed to thunderstorm the rest of the week, and possibly even flood because of all the drought we’ve had lately.

Friend 2: Well… we do… need the rain….

Friend 1: Yes, but must we need it right now?

Friend 2: …Yes….

Friend 1: Doesn’t it know I’m on staycation this week?

Friend 2: I… don’t think “it” cares….

Friend 1: Well then.  The entire summer, gone in a downpour flash.

Friend 2: Not the entire summer.  And not today.

Friend 1: (Grudgingly) No, not today.

Friend 2: (Staring at the ducks with Friend 1 for a few moments) Even though it’s not Midsommar or Mid-Summer, you wanna celebrate regular summer today and go to the promenade by the bay and have some ice cream?

Friend 1: I think that’s the only appropriate response to this situation, yes.

Story 548: A Midsummer Night’s Wish

 JULY

 (In a department store)

Coworker 1: (Smiling at a customer while completing a transaction at the front cash register) Thank you for shopping with us; have a nice day!

Customer 1: (Takes purchase) Thanks, you too – oh, I forgot to bring a bag.

Coworker 1: That’s OK: we sell them for $5 a pop.  (Holds up an assortment)

Customer 1: No thanks – I’ll suffer the consequences of my inaction.  (Scoops up the unwieldy purchase and staggers out the door)

Coworker 1: (Settles the for-sale bags back onto the counter) Sure thing!  Enjoy your day!  (Stares after where the customer had left the store) Siiiiiiiigh.

Coworker 2: (At the register next to Coworker 1, after completing a transaction with another customer) I missed what happened; was that another “unpleasant interaction”?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2) Hm?  Oh, no, that one was fine – (Gestures at the large front window near the entrance/exit) I was just staring at the glorious summer evening out there, with the sherbert-colored sky and the single fireflies signaling their need for a date and the hazy red moon heralding another scorcher tomorrow, and pining to be a part of it all.

Coworker 2: You have a day off tomorrow.

Coworker 1: I know, but too few of them, too few!  Before you know it, it’s Back-to-School and Halloween and falling leaves and long pants and long sleeves and short days and longer nights.  It’s depressing.

Coworker 2: Hate to break it to you, but we’re already at the point of the first two items on your list.  (Points to prominent Back-to-School and Halloween displays)

Coworker 1: Don’t remind me – I’m the one who had to put those up! 

Coworker 2: As for those other things, if it makes you feel any better, the Southern Hemisphere is in the middle of winter as we speak.

Coworker 1: Which means they have summer to look forward to just around the orbital corner!  I’m jealous.

Coworker 2: Well, there’s no bypassing the ennui march of the seasons, so what do you want?

Coworker 1: I don’t know; I want – no, I wish that summer could last forever, that’s all!

Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments, then shrugs) OK, you got it.

Coworker 1: Ha-ha, I wish.

Coworker 2: I know – you got it.

Coworker 1: …What?

Coworker 2: You made a wish, and I grant those, so – there you go.

Coworker 1: You’re kidding, right?

Coworker 2: I wish – ugh – I was: you took forever to actually make a wish so I’ve been extremely bored for a long time.  Probably should’ve told you who I was when I first came on staff here though, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: You’ve gotta be pulling my leg.

Coworker 2: Nope: your wish, my command, all that.  Better enjoy it, `cause you only get the one.

Coworker 1: (Takes a vibrating cell phone out of a pants pocket and reads aloud a news alert, eyes widening in shock) “Breaking News: Scientists discover that the Earth is permanently tilted on its axis and will remain so for its entire orbit around the Sun from this moment onward, leaving the Northern Hemisphere in permanent summer and the Southern Hemisphere in permanent winter.  The scientific community’s general response is muted panic.”  (Slowly lowers the phone and stares out into the middle distance) Wow.

Coworker 2: Told you – no one ever believes me the first time.

Coworker 1: (Still staring) Permanent summer….

Coworker 2: By the way, you get one undo in case you change your mind in the first five minutes – considering the global ramifications of this wish, are you sure you still want it?

Coworker 1: (Finally turns back to Coworker 2) I want permanent summer!

Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

OCTOBER

(On the phone)

Manager: Let me guess: you’re calling out sick again.

Coworker 1: (Stuck in beach traffic) Yes – [cough] – I’ve got – [cough] – this horrible – [cough] – cough –

Manager: I can hear seagulls and blaring car horns in the background.

Coworker 1: All right, fine: I’m allergic to work and it’s a glorious beach day that I’d be a fool to pass up.

Manager: Even though the fees have been extended to all year long now?

Coworker 1: Hey, lifeguards’ve gotta get paid, too!  And you wouldn’t believe how crowded it still is here – I think all the school kids called out sick, too.

Manager: Probably, since today’s Halloween – I’m sure they couldn’t resist cramming in beach and candy.

Coworker 1: Halloween, huh?  Can’t say I miss the previously accompanying chill in the air – byeeee!  (Ends the call, skids into a parking lot 30 minutes later, hauls gear to the beach, sets up an umbrella, chair, and cooler, and watches the waves while reclining back) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh… this is the life.

(A small ghost and goblin carrying large bags approach Coworker 1)

Ghost and Goblin: Trick or treat!

Coworker 1: (Without moving) Scram, multitaskers.

NOVEMBER

(At a Thanksgiving dinner)

Relative 1: (Wiping sweat from brow while carving a turkey at the dining room table) Anyone else is free to take over at any time.

Coworker 1: (Snacking on cranberry sauce) No thanks – want me to turn up the fan?

Relative 1: Please.  (Struggles to carve as Coworker 1 turns up a nearby oscillating fan; others at the table continue to fan themselves with their plates)

Relative 2: Maybe we should’ve sprung for cold cuts this year instead.

Relative 1: (Slams the carving knife, handle-end down, onto the table) NEVER!

Coworker 1: (Drinks iced tea) Well, at least it’s not snowing like that one time 30 years ago.

(Relatives all stop and gaze wistfully at nothing)

Relatives: Snow….

Coworker 1: (Gulps iced tea) A possible downside.

Relative 1: What?

Coworker 1: What?

DECEMBER

(In the department store)

Coworker 2: (At the cash register next to Coworker 1; both are wearing Santa hats, T-shirts, and shorts while ringing up lines of uncomfortably overheated customers) So, I heard that Australia and New Zealand offered to provide tips on how to celebrate the winter holidays when it’s 90°F out and our air conditioning’s broken again.

Coworker 1: (Briefly takes off the hat to wipe off sweat) Ho, ho, ho.

Coworker 2: Of course, they’re a bit busy with the alternating blizzards, rainstorms, cyclones, frosts, and brief heat waves that show no end in sight.

Coworker 1: Your point?

Coworker 2: Just saying, all that and our slowly melting infrastructure and increasing numbers of hurricanes, tornados, floods, skin cancer rates, burnt-out crops, and evaporating water sources up here all could’ve been easily avoided – well, at least lessened a bit since they were happening anyway – if it weren’t for one person’s selfish, juvenile, thoughtless little wish.

Coworker 1: First of all, you’re the one who granted it.

Coworker 2: Under duress – you think I like my job?  Either of them?  (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Here you go; have a nice day!

Customer 2: (Almost starts crying) It’ll never be nice again!  (Leaves)

Coworker 2: (To Coworker 1) See?

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Second of all, summer’s amazing and awesome, and you’re the one who ruined it!

Coworker 2: Summer, in this part of the world, is supposed to end at some point – you wanted it to last unnaturally forever, so now the only part of the globe that is mildly unaffected by all this is the Equator, and even they’re getting a little antsy there with everything that’s been going on.

Coworker 1: Whatever – I regret nothing, and on New Year’s Eve I’m going to celebrate with a hot dog and a giant ice cream sundae!

Coworker 2: Yes, that’ll definitely make all of this worthwhile.

Coworker 1: (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Have a nice day – aw, who’m I kidding? – stay cool!

Customer 3: What’s cool?  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Hisses to Coworker 2) What do you want me to do?!  You said I only get the one wish and I could only undo it in the first five minutes!

Coworker 2: (Stares at Coworker 1) You really want to undo it?

Coworker 1: Of course I do!  I’m stuck in beach traffic jams every day of the year now!

Coworker 2: Really.

Coworker 1: But you said I couldn’t undo it!

Coworker 2: Well….

Coworker 1: “Well” what?!

Coworker 2: I didn’t think you’d actually get to this point, to be honest.

JULY

Coworker 1: I want – no, I wish that summer could last forev-ohhhhhh…. (Looks around in realization, then back at Coworker 2) You did it?!  I mean, you undid it?!

Coworker 2: Undid what?

Coworker 1: The wish!

Coworker 2: What wish?

Coworker 1: (Taps nose and winks knowingly at Coworker 2) Got it.  You won’t hear another word out of me.

Coworker 2: Good – you can be real exhausting sometimes.

Story 506: The Fall From Summer

 (At an outdoor public pool, Friend 1 and Friend 2 lie stretched out on lounge chairs, reading waterproof books and watching families splash around in glee)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) So, are you going to spend more than five minutes in the pool we paid $15 to spend all day in?

Friend 1: Are you?

Friend 2: …Maybe.

Friend 1: Same.  Besides, it’s more of the social experience than the actual getting-wet part.

Friend 2: You haven’t said one word to anyone here besides me; we could have done the same thing at a park for free.

Friend 1: But this way feels as if we’re at least making an effort.

Swimmer: (Climbs out of the pool and nods at Friend 1 and Friend 2 while passing their chairs) Good morning!

Friend 2: Good –

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me.

Friend 2: MORNING, hope you’re having a great day!

Swimmer: (Continues on uncertainly) Uh, thanks, you too.

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You know, at this rate I’m shocked no one’s smacked you for your rudeness yet.

Friend 1: So am I.  (They both return to reading.  After several moments, a gentle breeze wafts by; Friend 1 suddenly sits up, ripping off sunglasses and hissing through clenched teeth) Did you feel that?!

Friend 2: (Tiredly, without looking up from the book) What, did you get splashed by a stray drop of water from an inconsiderate child in the giant pool we’re sitting in front of?

Friend 1: No!  Well yes, but I’ve risen above it – no, I was referring to that, that… (Points up to the sky) ill-omened wind.

Friend 2: I… felt a slight breeze for less than a second, if that’s what you meant.

Friend 1: Oh, that was no breeze: that was The Herald.  The Harbinger.  The Portent of Things to Come.

Friend 2 I didn’t hear there’s supposed to be rain today.

Friend 1: I’m talking about fall!  It’s here already, can’t you feel it?!  (The breeze wafts once more) There it is again!

Friend 2: It’ll be over 90° Fahrenheit for the next week.

Friend 1: Doesn’t matter!  We’re in September: the planet tilting away from the Sun in this hemisphere has reached the tipping point, the coolness of dread has begun, there’s no going back, the magic is over!

Friend 2: Calm down.

Friend 1: How can I when summer has come to a crashing end and all joy has ceased to be?!  (Notices that everyone in the pool had stopped splashing and now are staring at both of them)  I’m rehearsing lines for a play.  (They shrug and return to splashing)

Friend 2: I would be embarrassed but you manage to draw all attention to yourself, so thanks for that at least.  (Returns to reading)

Friend 1: (Lies back on the lounge chair and shoves sunglasses back on) That’s right, continue on in your ignorant bliss; I’ll mourn the passing of fun times and the illusion of permanent youth in silence.

Friend 2: Please do.

(The next day, Friend 1 approaches the main counter in a café)

Barista: Hi!  How can I help you toady?

Friend 1: I would like a giant refresher, please.

Barista: (Winces slightly) Sorry, those aren’t on the menu anymore until next summer.

Friend 1: It still is summer for another three weeks; I have a cactus on my windowsill that melted just this morning.

Barista: Yeah, but you know how it is in the World of Retail: end of August means Back-to-School sales, Halloween decorations, and fake Christmas trees.  Would you like me to whip you up a pumpkin-spice something?

Friend 1: I will pass on that abomination and take a regular brownie instead.

Barista: I hear ya – between you and me, gingerbread is where it’s at.

Friend 1: Making it worse.

Barista: Gotcha.

(The next day, Friend 2 answers the phone while cooking in the kitchen) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Lying on the living room couch, wrapped up in blankets) I had to put on a sweater today.

Friend 2: What?  Oh, yeah, that cold front came in all of a sudden; I think it’s from that hurricane that hit south of us, those poor people –

Friend 1: It’s still summer!

Friend 2: Well, it was hot before when we technically were still in spring, so….

Friend 1: It’s hot all year long now, that’s not the point!  It’s not supposed to be cool breezes with falling leaves and homework yet; it’s supposed to still be super-hot all the time with 16 hours of daylight and beaches and boardwalks and roller coasters and ice creams and sleepovers and vacations and happiness forever and – and – and –

Friend 2: Are you crying?

Friend 1: Not yet.

Friend 2: (Resumes slicing an onion) Good.  Now, listen carefully because I’m only going to say this once: in about two months there’ll be peppermint hot chocolate.

Friend 1: I suppose I’ll have to settle for that as a trade-off.

Story 460: Extending Summer Forever

(On a park trail)

Friend 1: I’m mad.

Friend 2: Oh dear, what now?

Friend 1: Whaddya mean, “What now?”  I don’t complain a lot.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: OK, you got me – I complain all the time.

Friend 2: That you do.  So: what now?

Friend 1: (Sighs and gestures at the beauty of nature around them) This.  (Gestures at the two of them) I mean, look at us!

Friend 2: (Looks down without breaking stride) Has something happened that I’m not aware of?

Friend 1: Apparently – we’re wearing long sleeves and long pants, and I can’t stand it!

Friend 2: …Whyyyyy???

Friend 1: Because only two weeks ago we were wearing short sleeves and short pants!  And complaining how hot it was and that we were out here melting!

Friend 2: You certainly were.

Friend 1: That’s beside the point: just because our made-up calendar no longer states “August,” Nature gets it into her head to flip a switch and shut down production!

Friend 2: Other way around, you know: the calendar was made up to reflect the flipping switches of Nature.

Friend 1: Still – two weeks!  And we suddenly have to bundle up in our woolies and watch in helpless horror as all these glorious leaves wither up in beautiful colors and collectively leap to their demise!

Friend 2: (Looks around) Been taking longer and longer to do that each year lately, you notice that?

Friend 1: That’s an unrelated catastrophe; my rant involves the fact that it took forever for us to get to summer, and now, oh well, inexorable march of time marches on, here’s fall all y’all, like it or lump it, and I’m sick of lumping it!

Friend 2: You could always just like it.

Friend 1: Bah!

Friend 2: OK.

Friend 1: I still want to go to the beach!  I still want to have ice cream!  I still want the thrill of the boardwalk!

Friend 2: You still can, you know – those things are around all year long.

Friend 1: Yeah, but not with lifeguards!  Or college-kid-staffed parlors!  Or fireworks!  Or super-long-lines everywhere!

Friend 2: You’re right: some of those’re better this time of year.

Friend 1: You’re no help at all.  It’s also getting too night out too early now.

Friend 2: That, I agree with: I miss sunset being around 9:00 in the evening; now it’s just getting gloomy.

Friend 1: Exactly!  And soon enough, sunset’ll be at 4:30!

Friend 2: Well, by then it’ll be winter so we’ll be hibernating anyway.

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about winter!  I’m not done slandering autumn yet!

Friend 2: Then by all means, continue.

Friend 1: I’ll switch gears instead: summer means the smell of chlorine, and swimming in tidal waves under teenage supervision, and outdoor concerts, and outdoor dining, and staying up all night long without thought of any consequences, and parties with your friends, and vacation all day long even if you’re not going anywhere, and carefree biking through the neighborhood streets, and living just for the endless day, and, and….

Friend 2: And feeling like a kid again?

Friend 1: (Slows to a stop; Friend 2 does likewise) Is that what this is?

Friend 2: A bit, at least for you – sounds like it’s the one season you can time travel back to when you were happier.

Friend 1: I’m happy now!

Friend 2: I said “happier.”

Friend 1: Oh.  I guess.  Point is, I want it to be summer forever.

Friend 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Well, it can’t: the planet has to continue tilting on its axis back and forth as it orbits the Sun; flora and fauna have evolved to match the seasonal changes throughout the world; and you’ll feel better about everything if you just accept that instead of mentally fighting it all the time.

Friend 1: I guess.  Unless….

Friend 2: What could possibly follow that?

Friend 1: Unless I figure out a way to stop the Earth tilting on its axis and straighten out its elliptical orbit so it’s optimal summer for our part of the world all year, every year, forever and ever, and –

Friend 2: And that’s a supervillain origin story if I ever heard one, you realize that?

Friend 1: Only if I fail!

Friend 2: You can be really bonkers sometimes, I have to say.

Friend 1: (Hastily brushes off several fallen leaves) Maybe, but it’s all in good fun.