(In a movie
theater lobby, Oblivia and Friend make their way to the exit)
Friend: Well,
all I can say is I’m glad I only spent $6 on what we just saw because, wow.
Oblivia:
(Scraping the bottom of a popcorn bucket to get the remnants) How do you mean?
Friend: For one
thing, at least an hour could’ve been trimmed off the runtime since that middle
section led absolutely nowhere, and for another, the storyline was predictable
and boring!
Oblivia: (Tosses
the empty bucket into a garbage can before the two exit the building to hover
near the curb) I thought it was all right – I like it when I know how
something’s going to end, it gives me a sense of security and lessens my
anxiety about fictional characters’ fates.
Friend: Fine –
what about the “acting”, emphasis on the air quotes?
Oblivia: Oh,
you’re right about that: everyone was pretty much terrible in this one,
unfortunately.
Friend: Thank
you.
Oblivia: Except
for the swing band members who kept randomly popping up – they were hilarious.
Friend: Agree to
disagree. So, need a lift to your car?
Oblivia: Nah; thanks,
though: it’s just at the end of that aisle over there. Gotta get home to the kiddies now?
Friend: Oh no,
they’ll be there next week or else I wouldn’t have gone out tonight. Kind of lonely the weeks they’re not at my
house, know-what-I-mean?
Oblivia: Kind
of: I’ve lived alone for more than 10 years and it’s mostly fine, but one in a
while it gets a little lonely, too.
Maybe I should borrow some kids when I start feeling that way?
Friend: I don’t
recommend doing that, ever. Anyway, this
was fun; have a good night; safe getting home!
Oblivia: (Waving
as the two part ways) You, too! (Walks
all the way down the nearly empty aisle to reach her car, not noticing a figure
leaning against a lamppost almost next to it)
Vampire: (Wearing
jeans and a T-shirt clothes; to Oblivia’s back as she is about to open the
driver’s side door) Sooooooo….
Oblivia: (Turns
around abruptly) Huh?
Vampire: Lonely,
are we? (Makes a show of slowly running
tongue over upper fangs)
Oblivia: Heh?
Vampire:
(Pauses, then stands up straight) What you were saying to your friend just now.
Oblivia:
(Looks up briefly to remember the conversation) Oh, that. Wait a minute, you eavesdropped on me saying
that from almost 1,000 feet away? That’s
a bit rude.
Vampire:
…Yeah, it’s kind of hard to turn it off.
Anywho, I possibly could help with you feeling, you know, less
lonely. (Starts moving in closer to
Oblivia) Make you feel wanted, instead.
Needed. Loved.
Oblivia:
(Laughs) Thank you very much, but I’m happy with my current religion.
Vampire:
What?
Oblivia:
Aren’t you a Jehovah’s Witness?
Vampire:
(Cackles evilly) Quite the opposite, my dear.
Oblivia:
Satanist?
Vampire:
No! That one doesn’t do it for me,
either. Look, what I’m offering is an eternity
of never feeling lonely again.
Oblivia:
Well, that’s not as much of a problem as you seem to think it is, but how so,
then?
Vampire:
Because you’ll be MINE FOREVER.
(Eyes blazing red and fangs lengthening, begins reaching for Oblivia)
Oblivia:
(Grimaces) Ew. Textbook possessive
behavior with a hearty dollop of narcissism to boot. No thanks!
(Gets into the car, gestures at Vampire to back up a smidgen, and drives
off)
Vampire:
(Staring at the receding car with arms still outstretched) …WHAT?!
(At
home, Oblivia has changed into pajamas and is putting away some clothes lying
around her bedroom when she sees something fluttering at the closed window)
Oblivia:
Is that a confused bird? (Peers closer
through the glare of the bedroom light on the window at the figure now perched
on the outside ledge) Aw, it’s a bat!
You go get all those bloodsucking mosquitos, buddy! (Bat morphs into Vampire, then falls off the
ledge) Oh, you again. How’d you find out
here I live?
Vampire:
(Stands while brushing off leaves and dirt) I followed you here, obviously.
Oblivia:
And a stalker too; you’re just one big mess, aren’t you?
Vampire:
Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot – please allow me to make it up to
you.
Oblivia:
Sure thing: you can start by leaving since it’s beddy-bye time.
Vampire:
(Tries to lean alluringly on the narrow ledge) I was thinking more along the
lines of me showing you the wonders of the night.
Oblivia:
Is that a new pick-up line?
Vampire:
(Stands up) No, it’s – here, I can explain everything if you just invite
me in.
Oblivia:
Why would I do that? You’re a stranger.
Vampire:
For what I just said! The wonders of the
night!
Oblivia:
Yeah, but I’m more of a morning person.
Vampire:
You don’t understand – I’m offering you immortality! You will never grow old, you will never
become ill, you will never die! (In a
low voice) Again.
Oblivia:
What was that last part?
Vampire:
Power over your enemies!
Oblivia:
I don’t have any.
Vampire:
All the money in the world!
Oblivia:
Eh – not worth it after the first two million.
Vampire:
Never having to go to work again!
Oblivia:
(Slides up the window and leans on the sill) I’m listening.
Vampire:
(Also leans on the outside ledge) Freedom to travel anywhere and everywhere
you’ve ever wanted to go! The world will
be your oyster that you literally suck dry!
Oblivia:
Gross.
Vampire:
Well, that is the catch.
Oblivia:
What, I gotta eat only oysters now?
Vampire:
(Sighs, then adopts an ominous tone) In exchange for all these glorious
rewards, you merely need to feast on your former fellow creatures.
Oblivia:
(Gasps in horror) You’re a cannibal?!
Vampire:
For the love of – I’m a vampire!
Oblivia:
You’re a what?
Vampire:
Yes, we exist, we’re here to stay, and I have selected you for the honor
of joining our loving family. Clearly
out of convenience rather than merit, since no one else was nearby at the time.
Oblivia:
No, I mean, what’s a vampire?
Vampire:
(Laughs, then stops on seeing the blank look on Oblivia’s face) You’re not
serious?
Oblivia:
Yeah, are you trying to say you’re a special kind of umpire or something like
that?
Vampire:
Let me get this straight: you’re telling me, in this day and age, in this part
of the world, inundated by pop culture whether you like it or not, you have never
heard of the word “vampire”?!
Oblivia:
Nope, but I also don’t pick up on much in general, so don’t take it
personally. Did you get special training
for this career?
Vampire:
(Stares inwardly and shakes head) Unbelievable….
Oblivia:
(Stands) Whelp, this was a nice break from the routine, but I gotta go into
work early tomorrow, so, bye! (Slams the
window shut, closes the blinds, turns out the light, gets into bed, and falls
asleep immediately)
Vampire:
(Sits down on a nearby bush, still staring inwardly) Unbelievable….
(In
a supermarket parking lot late the next afternoon, Oblivia whistles while
wheeling a shopping cart of groceries to her car as the sun sets)
Vampire:
(Lands while transforming from bat form immediately after the sun is gone)
Heyyyy....
Oblivia:
(After tossing the last bag into the trunk) Oh, hey, still not staying as a bat
again?
Vampire:
No, the bat’s only for transportation!
Oblivia:
(Tsks) That’s too bad, I liked that version of you better; such a cute, furry
little thing. (Slams the trunk door shut
and wheels the shopping cart to a nearby corral)
Vampire:
(Mutedly grinds fangs while trotting along to keep up) Have you considered my
proposal at all today?
Oblivia:
(Shoves the cart a few times into a growing stack until it fits) Hm? I don’t remember you asking me to marry you
last night; we haven’t even gotten to the fooling-around stage yet.
Vampire:
(Eyes begin blazing red and fangs lengthen again) This is your last chance,
Mortal!
Oblivia:
(Walking back to the car as Vampire again trots along to keep up) Great, you
think you’re a god now; there’s really nowhere else to go from there.
Vampire:
(Runs in front of Oblivia to hypnotize her) <Give your soul to me!>
Oblivia:
(Stops) Wow. I think you need to work on
that self-esteem issue that’s clearly the root of all your problems. (Digs into her handbag and hands Vampire a
business card) I always find volunteering is a great way to put things in
perspective while helping others in need – this organization distributes food
and clothing and provides people with job training; I seriously recommend you
contact them to help out where you can.
They’re mostly only open during the day, but I’m sure they can find
something for you to do that fits your apparently nocturnal schedule. (Pats Vampire on the shoulder) Best wishes on
your life! (Gets into the car and drives
off)
(Vampire
stares at the car, then back down at the card as a bat flies over and
transforms into Head Vampire)
Head
Vampire: Well? That one was practically
a “gimme”, and yet you managed to utterly fail in either converting her to one
of us or even making a meal for yourself!
By all rights, I should demote you back to “Trainee” status since
remedial education is clearly in order!
Vampire:
(Hangs head in shame) I understand.
Head
Vampire: And what is that she gave you!
Vampire:
(Hands over the card) Here.
Head
Vampire: (Starts reading in disgust, then nods thoughtfully) Hm, maybe it is
about time we start giving back to the community.
Vampire:
Might help with our image.
