Story 567: How Many People Does It Take to Put Up a Christmas Tree?!

            (In the living room of a house, a large crowd has gathered)

Father: (Standing at one end of the room to address the multitude) All right, folks, it’s time to get serious: we are putting up the Christmas tree today, and this year, we’re doing it right.  (Slices open a large cardboard box filled with tree parts) Now: (Points to the box) tree – (Points to several more boxes on the couch) extra lights – (Points to many, many other boxes piled throughout the room and spilling out into the hallway) ornaments and winter wonderland paraphernalia.  I want everything up and twinkling, sparkling, or otherwise holly-jollying within the afternoon before even the thought of dinner crosses anyone’s frontal lobes.  I will not have a repeat of last year’s debacle, where the so-called “Easy Peasy Twee Tree” that was guaranteed to be up and running in 10 minutes, instead took seven-and-a-half hours, thanks to multiple unauthorized breaks and other shenanigans that will no longer be tolerated.

Child 1: But Dad, the game was on!

Father: (Faces Child 1 with unleashed wrath) I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GAME.

Child 1: (In breathless horror) Heresy….

Father: (Back to the rest of the crowd) This beauty is pre-lit and the extra lights are back-up only, so no excuses that all the strings were tangled or one bulb was burned out, understand?  (The others nod) OK, I think that covers everything: let’s get to it!

(Everyone scatters to assemble the tree and decorate the living room and any other area that can fit a knickknack)

Child 1: (Digging through mounds of tissue-paper-wrapped ornaments in a large container) Can I put the star on top?

Child 2: (Holding the bottom section of the tree as Father attaches the upper layers) Is it a star this year or Santa?

Father: (Finishes attaching the tree parts and moves on to plug the lights into multiple outlets on a cord) Neither: this year we’re putting the light-up angel on top if I can find where to plug it into the other end of this thing.

Cousin: (Holding up a nutcracker soldier) Where does this fella go?

Father: (Stringing garlands around the tree) Anywhere you find an open space!  (Cousin shrugs and plops it onto the dining room table)

Aunt: (Hanging a handmade ornament on a tree branch) Aw, I remember when one of you kids made this in art class; you were so little and cute then, how long ago was that?

Child 2: (Taking ornaments from a box at the top of a ladder) Thirty-six years.

Aunt: ...Well I sure feel old now.

Uncle: (Taps Father on the back and holds up a train engine when the latter turns around) You want me to set up the tracks around the tree; next to the tree; nowhere near the tree; what?

Father: (Adding a string of very old bubble lights around the tree’s center) Those can be set up in the corner where you got the boxes.

Uncle: Got it.  (Goes back to the corner to secretly play with the trains)

Father: (Steps back to observe the others work for a bit) Good-good, but we need to step up the pace if we’re going to get through all these boxes at a decent hour.  (Flips the lid off another one and flings ornaments wrapped in tissue paper onto a nearby armchair)

Neighbor: (Holds up a small box) Want me to start hanging up the candy canes?

Father: (Looks up suddenly) Not now!  They go on at the very end, no matter what!

Neighbor: (Gently sets the box onto a small table) OK.

Father: (Hands over a box from within the larger box) Here: you can hang up the ornaments from in there, but make sure you keep them close together on the tree because it’s a theme.

Neighbor: (Whispers to the box while going to the tree) No pressure….

Mail Carrier: (Holding a smaller box while methodically hanging ornaments on the tree) You know, this takes me back to when I was a wee one –

Father: (Hooks legs halfway up the ladder and dangles upside down to reach a tricky open spot on the tree) LESS YAPPING, MORE DECORATING!

Mail Carrier: Rude.

Priest: (Arranging a tableau of snow families and elves on the coffee table) I feel obligated to ask if there is a nativity scene tucked away in all this… Christmas?

Father: (Still hanging upside down; holds a branch in mid-swing to reach an inner alcove in the tree) Uh, yeah, that.... Sorry, no room at the inn!

Priest: That’s certainly the ultimate irony.

Father: (Manages to slither into the tree and surveys the room from there, moving aside overburdened branches to look; spots a few loafers sitting on the couch) I want every single person in this house putting up decorations at all times until I say we’re finished, do you hear me?!

Mother: (Passing through the living room with a cup of tea and a book; stops in front of the tree and glares at Father’s eyes through the branches) I beg your pardon?

Father: Not you – the outdoor decorations count as time served.

Mother: How generous of you.  (Continues onward to the bedroom to hibernate)

Father: (Sees an empty space inside the tree, reaches an arm out to pluck an ornament from a nearby box, and whispers while hanging it onto the tiny spot on a branch) I have you now.... (Scrambles out of the tree once that is done and checks everyone’s progress) Hold it!  (Everyone freezes while Father walks around the tree and checks the entire surface area, muttering all the while) Over forty years of ornaments; candy canes; extra-extra lights…. (Stops to face the tree from the front) I think the tree… is done.

Fellow Bus Commuter: (Holding up an angel) Wait a minute, what about the angel?

Father: (Gasps in horror) The angel!  (Grabs it out of Fellow Bus Commuter’s hand, frantically climbs the ladder, finds a free plug, attaches it to the angel, and shoves it onto the top of the tree) All right, light it up!  (As Father climbs down the ladder, Child 1 plugs in the main power cord and the tree glows in welcoming warmth; Father stands back and stares at the tree, moved to tears) We did it, we actually did it, it’s done and it’s not even night yet –

Child 2: (Holds up an ornament) Hang on, I just found one more that must’ve fallen out earlier –

Father: I SAID IT’S DONE!

Story 566: “That” Relative at Thanksgiving

 [Disclaimer: This is not based on personal experience J]

(At the front door of a house, Relative 1 and Friend arrive carrying casserole dishes)

Friend: You sure they’re gonna like my mashed potatoes?

Relative 1: (Ringing the doorbell) Probably – and if they don’t, they’re decent enough to say so behind your back instead of to your face.

Friend: Oh good.

(Door is opened by Relative 2)

Relative 2: (As everyone hugs) Hiiiiii!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Glad you could make it!

Relative 1 and Friend: (As the group clusters into the vestibule) Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 2: (Taking their coats and both dishes with practiced ease while also closing the front door) Come in, come in, make yourselves at home!  (Leans in with a low voice) Listen: just a heads-up that – ahem – Elder Cousin is also here today.

Relative 1: (Also in a low voice) What?  I haven’t seen her in years – I thought she died.

Relative 2: (Somehow smacks Relative 1 on the arm while still holding the coats and dishes) You hush your mouth!  No, she’s still with us, bless her heart, so I invited her today, and she came.  (Glares at Relative 1) So behave.

Relative 1: (Rubbing arm and mumbling) I always behave.

Relative 2: (Smiles at Friend) Would you like something to drink?

Friend: I’m good right now, thanks.

Relative 2: All righty – nibbles are out, so help yourselves!  I’ll be in the kitchen for the next five hours.  (Hustles off to toss the coats into a spare room and resume Mission: Thanksgiving Dinner)

Friend: (Whispers to Relative 1 as they make their way to the living room) Remind me: who’s “Elder Cousin”?

Relative 1: Oh, she’s technically the head of the extended family now by default, but we don’t see her so much on this side.  When she does make an appearance though, well….

Friend: What?

Relative 1: (They both stop walking) You ever been around someone who literally sucks the energy out of an entire room?

Friend: Once or twice.

Relative 1: Then you know.

Friend: So, the usual “don’t discuss religion and politics”, but in this case to the extreme?

Relative 1: Actually, those topics would probably be a welcome distraction today.

Friend: (As they start walking again) Oh, my.

(In the living room)

Relative 1: (Opens arms wide and smiles extremely broadly) Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Relatives 3-8: (Enthusiastically jump up from their seats) Happy Thanksgiving!

(Hugs and kisses all around take a few minutes)

Relative 1: (Still smiling broadly, turns to Elder Cousin seated on the couch) Happy Thanksgiving!  (Gives a kiss, then gestures to Friend who waves at Elder Cousin) Not sure if you met before, but this is my friend –

Elder Cousin: (To Friend) I remember you.

Friend: (Frozen smile) Oh?

Elder Cousin: We met briefly at Great-Granddad’s funeral.  You were very polite.

Friend: (Thinks back quickly) Oh… yes!  Thank you – that was…?

Elder Cousin: Seven years and two months ago.  I never forget a burial.

Friend: Ah.

Elder Cousin: (As Relatives 3-8 slowly sit down again on chairs and focus on the nibbles) It was like a dream that day: still summer, and yet there was a sudden frost so it almost looked like there was snow on the ground.  And Great-Granddad – so peaceful, yet I could still feel his judgement upon us all.

Friend: …I do remember the frost.

Elder Cousin: I should hope so, because it’s the last we’ll ever see this side of New Year’s, let me tell you.  Not that it’s ever done me any good.

Relative 1: (Claps hands briskly) Awesome!  So where’s the food?

Relative 3: (Leaps up from an armchair) I’ll get you a plate!  (Zooms toward the dining room where all the appetizers are laid out)

Relative 1: (Panics as escape has been foiled) No-no, I’ll get it –

Relative 3: I INSIST!  (Vanishes like the wind)

Elder Cousin: (Pats the couch on both sides of her; to Relative 1 and Friend) Have a seat.  (They sit slowly in the spots indicated)

Relative 1: Soooo… did you watch the parade today?

Elder Cousin: No.  Those things are displays of excess that crush the spirit.

Relative 1: Mm-hm, mm-hm…. Read any good books lately?

Elder Cousin: I haven’t read a good book in 50 years.

Relative 1: [Sighs in literal deflation]

(A few moments of silence, broken up by chewing)

Relative 4: (Perks up) We had the school play a few weeks ago – I was the lead.

Relatives 1, 5-8, and Friend: (All at once) Wonderful! That’s great!  Congratulations!

Elder Cousin: Enjoy the feeling while it lasts: you’ll never be on top of the world like that again.

Relative 4: Really?

Relative 5: (In a low voice to Relative 4) Don’t.

Elder Cousin: Experiences like that are fleeting, ephemeral – it feels amazing at the time, but passes all too soon and ultimately means nothing.  Makes you wonder why we even bother in the first place.

Relative 4: Oh.  Why do we bother?

Relative 5: (Pats Relative 4 comfortingly on the shoulder) It’s OK, dear – eat your cheese and crackers.

(Relative 2 rushes into the living room)

Relative 2: It’s done!  It’s finally done, ahahahahaha!  (Everyone else stares blankly back) Anybody want to help me bring all the stuff to the table or what?

(Relatives 4-8 leap up and run to the kitchen, grabbing Relative 3 holding an overflowing plate on the way)

Elder Cousin: (To Relative 1) You never got your plate of appetizers.  Want me to go tell that cousin of yours to bring it over with your dinner?

Relative 1: No, that’s OK – it’s a moot point now.

(Relative 1 and Friend walk with Elder Cousin to the dining room; plates and bowls continue to be brought in and glasses filled until there is no more room on the table, and everyone sits down)

Relative 2: (Smiling at the guests) I want to thank you all for coming today and sharing in our family tradition!  How about we all go around the table and say what we’re thankful for?  (Nods to Relative 6 nearby) You first.

Relative 6: (Raises a glass) That’s easy: I’m thankful for good health, good family, and good gravy, heh-heh-heh.

(Scattered chuckles across the table)

Relative 2: That’s great!  (To Elder Cousin) And what are you thankful for?

Elder Cousin: Not much: existence is a burden that we’re unjustly saddled with, and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.  (After a few moments) Could somebody pass me the cranberry sauce?

Relative 2: (Hands over the bowl) Well, that was fun!  Dig in, everyone!

Relative 7: (As everyone starts dishing food onto their plates) Well, I’m thankful for –

Relative 8: Save it: the moment’s over.

Relative 7: Right.

(After a few minutes of contended eating)

Friend: (To Relative 2) Thank you so much for all this; everything tastes great!  (Murmurs of assent from full mouths around the table)

Relative 2: Aw, thank you!  You know the old joke: it takes weeks to prepare, days to make, and minutes for it all to be eaten up and gone, with hours of clean-up afterward…. (Looks off into the distance and sighs)

Elder Cousin: Exactly: no point to any of it.  Might as well pay someone to cater – save yourself the stress and also the time that we all have less and less of.  (Takes another helping of mashed potatoes) I mean, don’t get me wrong: everything here is delicious, you’re an excellent chef, but are we even going to remember what this tasted like a day from now, much less decades later when our memories slowly fade into oblivion?

Relative 4: (Raises hand) I will – (Relative 5 gently lowers the other’s hand)

Elder Cousin: You’re young yet: enjoy the company here today, child, for nothing is certain.

(Eating around the table gradually tapers off)

Relative 1: (Frantically) So!  How about those wacky politicians, eh?!

Relative 3: (Sitting on the other side of Relative 1, dazedly holding a turkey leg) You’re too late: I don’t even have the will to fight with you about that stuff anymore.

Relative 1: (Tears apart a roll) …Rats.

(During the massive clean-up, as many people as possible have crammed themselves into the kitchen so Relative 1 and Friend escort Elder Cousin back to their original positions on the living room couch)

Friend: Well, that was delicious.

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t think I can fit another bite, so I’ll probably only be able to sample about half the desserts this year, if I’m lucky.  (Both chuckle)

Elder Cousin: Gluttony.

Friend: (To Elder Cousin) So what was your favorite dish?  (Relative 1 shakes head and widens eyes in warning at Friend)

Elder Cousin: (Shrugs) Eh, they all blur together into one giant carbohydrate.  Keep the insides ticking for another day, so that’s all that really matters, bottom line.

Friend: Uh-huh.

Elder Cousin: I do have a soft spot for that cranberry sauce, though.

Friend: It sure was tasty.

Elder Cousin: And your mashed potatoes were all right.

Friend: Thank you!

Elder Cousin: But the rest I could take or leave.

Relative 1: Aw, that’s too bad – maybe skip the whole thing next year, hm?!

Elder Cousin: I would, but I keep getting invited to these things no matter what comes out of my mouth; I guess the pull of family is too strong.

Relative 1: (Leans back on the couch and closes eyes contentedly while listening to the happy voices in the other room) The strongest force there is.

Story 557: I Wish The Voice In My Head Would Shut Up Sometimes

             (On a job interview in an office, Interviewer and Everyperson are seated across the desk from each other)

Interviewer: (Holding resume with both hands and tapping the edge on the desk) So!  What would you say are your greatest strengths?

Everyperson: Well, I work hard, and I’m a quick learner –

<Voice In My Head:  HA!>

<Everyperson: Huh?>

<Voice In My Head: You haven’t been a “quick learner” in decades – the memory loss is getting worse and your confusion in new situations has become legendary.>

Everyperson: (Nods in finality at Interviewer) Uh-huh, yes.

Interviewer: OK… then, what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Everyperson: Oh, um….

<Voice In My Head: “UMMMMM”?!  We’ve talked about this.>

Everyperson: I sometimes focus on a task so much that I overlook other priorities, you know, because I care so much about getting the job done right….

Interviewer: Uh-huh….

Everyperson: But I’m working on that.

<Voice In My Head: Eh, could be better.  Seriously though, why are you practically begging to have your time monopolized and your so-called talents exploited by a company that’ll barely compensate you for the agita it’s going to inflict and that’ll replace you with a robot the first chance it gets?  And do you actually want to work for this clown?  I can see all the future arguments you two are going to have, stretching across the decades – want me to play them out for you?>

Interviewer: (Stands and holds out hand; Everyperson also stands and they shake hands) Whelp, thank you for your time, but we’re going to go in a different direction.

<Voice In My Head: Heh, knew that was coming.>

Everyperson: Oh.  Thank you – bye.  (Leaves the office)

<Voice In My Head: You really are no good at promoting yourself, you know that?  Now was the perfect time to have a memorable wrap-up in case they change their minds later, but nope: “bye” was all you could do.  (As Everyperson quickly walks through the main lobby to exit the building) And if you start crying, you’ll only be advertising your failure to all these passing strangers.>

Everyperson: (Through gritted teeth) Knock it off.

<Voice In My Head: You wish.>

(At a party)

(Everyperson stands with Guest next to a snack table, both holding full plates)

Guest: Nice to see you!  How’s everything been lately?

<Voice In My Head: Don’t say “A little of this, a little of that,” everyone knows that means “Nothing.”>

Everyperson: Well…

<Voice In My Head: Say “Not much, but hoping thing’s’ll change soon; how about you?”>

Everyperson: A little of this, a little of that; how about you?

<Voice In My Head: …I’m out.>

Guest: Well, you know all that’s been going on with the family lately – (Everyperson nods and takes a bite out of some bruschetta) I really don’t know how we’re going to get by with all the medical bills and the car payments and the school payments and the house payments and the other payments I’m forgetting right now.  I probably shouldn’t even be here tonight, but my partner and I haven’t been on an actual date in almost seven years, so, you know, it’s something.  Gotta take some time for yourself, I guess, right?

Everyperson: (Nods) Sure, everyone’s gotta be selfish one in a while.

Guest: …What?

Everyperson: (Blinks slowly) I’m… sorry, that was rude – could you excuse me for a minute, please?

Guest: Sure.  (Slightly turns away and scarfs down a pile of crackers and cheese)

<Everyperson digs into the basement of the mind and finds Voice In My Head sitting on a couch and playing a video game that had been finished ages ago>

<Voice In My Head: (Holding a laser rifle, engrossed in the space targets) Pew-pew-pew-pew!>

<Everyperson: Excuse me!>

<Voice In My Head: (Turns around to see Everyperson glaring) Oh, hi there.>

<Everyperson: Of all the times to shut your trap, you pick now?!>

<Voice In My Head: What, stuck your foot in your mouth again?>

<Everyperson: Yes!  The one time I actually need you to chime in and tell me not to say something hurtful or embarrassing, and you’re down here tucked away in Memory Lane!>

<Voice In My Head: Well, I got tired of you either ignoring me or sassing me back, so I figured might as well have some fun instead.  (Suddenly picks up the laser rifle and turns to the face the game again) I’ve got you now!  Pew!  Pew!  Pew!  Pew! –  (Everyperson grabs Voice In My Head and drags the latter out of the basement) Ow!  This wasn’t part of our arrangement!>

(At a family dinner, numerous relatives are seated around a long dining room table)

Relative 1: And I have to say – I won’t be silenced anymore – I have to say, those people – (Rants for five minutes straight)

Everyperson: (Takes a breath to counter when the rant finally ends)

<Voice In My Head: Not a word – you’re a guest here, and you never make a coherent argument anyway so you’ll just make things worse.>

<Everyperson: But – >

<Voice In My Head: Nope.>

<Everyperson: I – >

<Voice In My Head: Zip it.>

<Everyperson: Can’t – >

<Voice In My Head: Clam up.>

<Everyperson: Grrr.>

<Voice In My Head: Don’t even grind your teeth – that’s louder than you think it would be.>

Relative 2: (To Relative 1) And I have to say, that is pure hogwash, and you are a pedantic twit!

(A shocked hush falls across the table until Relative 1 and 2 simultaneously have at it with furious invectives flung at each other while everyone else ducks for cover)

<Voice In My Head:  (Gestures at Relative 2) See?  That could have been you.>

<Everyperson: (Finding a good spot to hide with everyone else under the table) Not helping!>

<Voice In My Head: (Casually leaning back in chair as food begins to fly) You can thank me later.>

Story 550: I Didn’t Ask for Your Life Story

            “Oh my goodness, hi!”

“Oh!  Hey there.”

“It’s been so long since I last saw you!  How’ve you been?”

“Heh-heh; want the short version?”

“Ha-ha-ha, it’s all good!”

“OK then: my partner and I split up after 47 years and all I got was a lousy case of lice; had to move outta the house into a one-room apartment, and I mean one-room; got demoted at work two years ago for mouthing off at the customers and my salary got demoted right along with me, with both of us yet to recover; broke my collarbone in a freak roller skating accident a few months ago but that’s all better except now it can forecast the weather if you know what I mean; also the warts all came back at once so my dermatologist is furiously working on how to annihilate those – ”

“Ohhhhh….”

“ – the kids don’t talk to me anymore, but I’d stopped talking to my parents around the same age so I had it coming – ”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *

“Hi there!  How’s life treatin’ ya?”

“Ah, not too bad: the usual aches, pains, and debt, same old story.  How about you?”

“Oh, you know, same old story: demanding family, annoying neighbors, chronic joint issues, going back to prison for violating parole – the usual.”

“…What?”

“You know how it is: you kite a few checks, you embezzle a few charitable organizations, you grand theft a few autos, and all of a sudden you’re Public Enemy #39.”

“Ummm….”

“I suppose I should turn myself in, again, but really, if you’re not living on the edge a little, can you even say you’re living at all?”

“I… think that cop car over there is slowing down to speak with you.”

“Huh?  Shoot.  Well, it’s been great catching up, but I gotta run – we really should talk more some time soon…!”

“…Yeah.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *

“Oh, hello!  It’s been a while since I saw you last, let me think....”

“Twenty-three years.”

“Twenty-three years, my-my-my, how time flies!  So… how’ve you been?”

“All right.”

“Really?”

“Yeah: not much going on; can’t complain.  You?”

“Oh, I’m fine.”

“That’s good.”

“So….”

“So… see you again in 23 years, then?”

“Sounds great, see you then!”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *

“ – occasionally I can’t see out of one eye, but it’s not constant so I’m not gonna bother doing anything about it; ooh, and my car got repossessed last year, but by gum, I got it back.  I think that’s about it for the major stuff; how’ve you been?”

“Hm?  Oh, good, thanks.”

“Just ‘good?’”

“How on Earth could anyone follow that?!”

“Heh-heh, yeah; I do tend to go on.”

Story 545: Compartmentalization During an Eye Exam

             (In an ophthalmologist’s office, Tech brings Patient to one of the exam rooms)

Tech: (Holding the Patient’s chart, gestures to the big recliner for the Patient to sit) Any changes with your health since your last visit… (Checks the chart) almost 10 years ago?

Patient: (Settles back in the recliner) Yeah, I’m really bad with stuff like that.

Tech: We don’t judge – out loud.  So, any changes?

Patient: (Thinks) Well, I was at this outdoor event last week where it must’ve been over 100° in the shade, and somebody must’ve let their pet horse loose or something because at one point my eyes got so red and itchy and watery like you wouldn’t believe; might’ve been hay or something got in the air during the joust – I mean, during the intense, intense horse race that I had a lot of money riding on.

Tech: (Staring at Patient) …So, no changes.

Patient: (Looks down in shame) No.

Tech: (Writes a note on the chart and sets it on a nearby counter) The Doctor’ll be in shortly, then.  (Leaves immediately, with the exam room door left ajar)

Patient: (Leans over to the chart) I shouldn’t… but I do have a legal right to my own medical records…. (Shakes head) Nah – I’ll play with the space alien contraption instead.  (Swings over the phoropter, mushes face up against it, and starts fiddling with the lenses) Woooooo….

Doctor: (Voice heard down the hall on exiting a nearby exam room) …awful this weekend; I swear, if I have to put up with their garbage another second, I’m gonna lose it for real this time.

Tech: (Voice heard down the hall) When’s the next time you have to see them?

Doctor: About a year, but they keep calling in the meantime and I can’t ignore that.

Tech: Why not?

Doctor: Because the phone’ll keep ringing and I can’t stand it.  I can only hang up on that so many times.

Tech: So block them.

Doctor: You can’t block family!  By the way, bring in the next appointment to Room 4, please – it’s barely 8:00 in the morning and we’re already two hours behind.

Tech: Yes, Doctor.

(A ringtone is heard)

Doctor: Argh, speaking of, here they are again!  I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t take it!... Hi, yes, GO AWAY!  (Breezes into the exam room while shoving a cell phone into a scrubs pocket; Patient is sitting demurely in the recliner, hands folded in lap) Hello there!  Any changes since your last visit in…. (Walks over to the counter and starts reading through the chart)

Patient: Nope; no changes!

Doctor: Great!  (Sits on a stool at the counter and starts entering volumes of notes onto the chart; after a few minutes of standard questions) Let’s check the ol’ vision, shall we?  (Scoots over to the recliner, swings over the phoropter, and wipes it with a disinfectant cloth) Press your face up against this, please.  (Patient does so as Doctor fiddles with the lenses) Hmmm, someone’s been messing around with the lenses again….

Patient: (With upper face mushed up against the metal mask and mouth exposed at the bottom) Heh-heh, can’t trust anybody nowadays, can you.

Doctor: Hm.  (Finishes fiddling, then lowers a mini-eye chart that is attached to the device) All right, which is worse, one – (Flips lenses) or two?

Patient: Ummmm… one?  No, two!

Doctor: Trick question: they’re exactly the same.

Patient: Oh.  Oops.

            (A ringtone is heard from Doctor’s scrubs)

Doctor: (Sighs quietly in disgust) Excuse me one second, would you?

Patient: Uhhhh, sure.

Doctor: Thanks.  (Takes out the phone and forcefully swipes while hissing) Take that, demon!  (Returns the phone to the scrubs pocket) Sorry about that – now, the real test begins, I promise.  (Does a few more checks, then swings back the phoropter and places drops in Patient’s eyes) OK, your eyes are now numb so hold still while I poke them to check the pressure.

Patient: Huh?

Doctor: Relax, it’s testing for glaucoma – you won’t feel a thing, just ignore every natural instinct to protect your eyes from danger and you’ll be fine.  (Swings over a tonometer, wipes it down, and gestures for Patient to lean forward while a device with a blue light shines in Patient’s eyes and Doctor also leans forward from the other side) Now – DON’T MOVE.

Patient: (Head is immobilized by forehead and chin rests on the device) <Gulp>

Tech: (Raps once on the door) Sorry to interrupt, Doctor, but multiple phone calls have come in on the office line for you and we can’t get a thing done out there.

Doctor: (Still leaning forward and staring into Patient’s eyes) And you told them that patients’ very important vision is at stake here, yes?

Tech: Yes – they didn’t care.

Doctor: …I’ll take it in here.  (Tech leaves; to Patient) Bear with me, please.  (Leans toward the counter to pick up a desk phone’s receiver and immediately returns to the tonometer, continuing the glaucoma test) WHAT?!  (To Patient) Keep your eyes open, please.  (Moves the blue light device to the other eye as a loud, unintelligible voice is heard over the phone; to the phone) Any time you call is inconvenient!

Patient: Um, I can wait a few minutes while you –

Doctor: (To Patient) Absolutely not: the patient is always the top priority.  (Swings away the tonometer) And we’re done with this part; follow me, please.  (With the phone cord stretching down the hallway, leads Patient to a room that has a retinal imager on a table; the two sit on opposite sides; to the phone while wiping down the chin rest on Patient’s side) Listen, I don’t care what you think you heard, we are not going through this again – (To Patient) Lean forward, please – (To the phone) You tell them that their behavior is completely unacceptable and I don’t care if they never speak to me again; in fact, I’d rather they didn’t!  (To Patient) Stare at the giant dot on the screen and whatever you do, DO NOT BLINK.  (To the phone) Yes, I’m listening, unfortunately!  (To Patient) Hold still, please – you’ll see a blinding light in a few seconds.  (To the phone) No, I wasn’t talking to you just then; not everything’s all about you, you know!

Patient: (Blinks as light flashes into one eye) Oh sorry; I blinked.

Doctor: It happens; we’ll take another one.  (To the phone) What, I can’t be civil and decent to a patient?!... No, this isn’t a HIPAA violation; I haven’t disclosed any patient identifiers that you’d be able to figure out!  You’ve got some nerve, you know that?!  (To Patient) Try not to blink now, here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great!  (To the phone) I’m taking retinal images, nosy!  You literally just said – !  (To Patient as the machine slides slightly along the table) Same thing; stare at the big dot; try not to blink – (To the phone) It checks for wear and tear in the eye, if you must know; want me to use it on you?!  (To Patient) Here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great!  You can lean back now.  (Types on a keyboard to display the images on a large screen; to the phone) Yeah, well maybe if you’d had me examine your eyes years ago, you wouldn’t be complaining how fuzzy the world keeps getting, ever think of that?!  (To Patient) Everything looks great – I’ll send over someone to give you a field test but other than that, see you next year.  (To the phone while standing) You’re so rude – I can’t believe we’re related by blood!  (Leaves)

(Patient remains seated for a few moments in uncertainty, then stands when Tech enters)

Tech: All done?  I was told you just need a field test?

Patient: Yeah, that should wrap it up – I get to keep my vision for another year I guess, heh-heh-heh.

Tech: Oh yeah, heh-heh – this way, please.

(They both walk down the hall to another room with another machine, passing an exam room with the phone cord trailing out and Doctor’s voice alternating in intensity)

Patient: (Gestures to the room) Family drama, eh?

Tech: Huh?  Oh, yeah – happens every birthday; we barely even notice anymore.

Story 542: “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?” Dating Game Show

(On a game show set in front of a live studio audience, Host stands at a podium with four contestants seated on one side and one contestant seated on the other)

Host: (As the Audience applause trickles off) Good evening folks, and welcome to another episode of “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?”, the only dating game show – or the only type of dating, period – where instead of everyone trying to put their best food forward and make a good first impression, leaving their horrendous flaws to rear their ugly heads months-to-years later when it’s too late for anyone to back out with dignity, here the object is for everyone to put their worst food forward, and whoever accepts each other with that caveat, we know it’ll be true love.  Now!  On to tonight’s group of lonely hearts.  (Turns to Contestant 1) You certainly have the pick the litter, but fair is fair: you’re first to fess up your sordid crimes, and the other four here can “Yay” or “Nay” before taking their own turns in airing out their dirty laundry.  (Contestant 4 covertly slinks out of the seat and exits stage right while Host watches) That’s certainly a time-saver.  (Back to Contestant 1) So!  As the name of the show asks: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 1: (Giggles) Well, that’s certainly a loaded question, and I’m really nervous right now, never been on TV before –

Host: Understandable: you’re not on a timer, but we don’t have all night here either.

Contestant 1: Right – right – ummmmm…..

Host: You said backstage you had a few stories ready.

Contestant 1: (Wiping sweat off forehead) I know, and my mind is just a big ol’ blank right now….

Host: (Tapping note cards absentmindedly on the podium) Was it lying, maybe?  Cheating on your taxes?  Never using your turn signal when driving?  Chronic emotional infidelity?  Procrastination?

Contestant 1: Ooh-ooh, now I remember!

Host: Yes?

Contestant 1: OK, I’ve felt guilty about this for years and years, and I don’t think I can ever make amends at this point….

Host: (Leans forward eagerly) Yes?

Contestant 1: Right, here it is: when I was 5 or 6 years old, I saw a pack of gum in a store that I really wanted but I knew my mom would never let me get it, soooo... I stole it.

Audience: (Starts out scandalized, ends up confused) Oooooooooo – ooooh?

Host: That’s it?

Contestant 1: (Smiles guiltily) Yes!  I’m a thief, and now you all know!

Audience: (Half-heartedly) Ooooooh.

Host: It was a pack of gum when you were 5!

Contestant 1: Yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Host: (Sighs in mild disgust) All right, let’s check with the panel – I mean, your potential mates.  (Turns to Contestants 2, 3, and 5) So: your opinion on this… crime?

Contestant 2: (Shakes head slightly) I dunno if I could be with someone who steals – once a thief always a thief, know what I mean?

Host: What?!

Contestant 1: (Nods solemnly) Fair enough.

Host: (Tries not to roll eyes when turning to Contestant 3) How about you?

Contestant 3: I say it’s no big deal: as long as you’ve basically been a decent person since then, I’m cool with it.  If you’re still feeling bad about it all these years later, maybe go back to the store and give them the money for it or something.

Contestant 1: Store’s out of business.

Contestant 3: Oh.  OK – maybe buy me a pack of gum then and call it even.  (Winks at Contestant 1)

Contestant 1: Hee-heeh-hee!

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhh!!!

Host: Lovely.  (To Contestant 5) You?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 1) I think that’s so hot.

Host: There’s always one in the bunch.  Now!  That fun’s over: it’s time for our other contestants to reveal all, and we’ll see whether any of them are accepted.  (To Contestant 2) You didn’t sound too forgiving earlier, so now you get the question: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 2: (Looks up to think) Wellll, it depends on what you mean by “ever done”.

Host: (Stares blankly at Contestant 2) Exactly what it says.

Contestant 2: Wellll, if you mean done in the past, then that’d be having 23 kids in 10 secret families and never being emotionally, financially, or physically present for any of them.

Audience: Ooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!

Contestant 1: (Winces; quietly) Ooh, baggage.

Contestant 2: BUT, if you mean “ever” as in ever, then I guess the fire I’m gonna set in the abandoned warehouse at the edge of town tonight just for kicks’ll be the worst thing, yeah.

Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 2) That’s literally so hot.

Host: (To Contestant 2) You’re admitting to arson on live television?!

Contestant 2: Well, no – I haven’t done it yet.

Host: You remember signing the notice that we have police officers on stand-by for when crimes are confessed, don’t you?!  (Gestures to the police officers standing offstage, who stiffly wave at Contestant 2)

Contestant 2: (Waves back) Oh, that was real?  Dang.

Host: (Shakes head in disbelief; to Contestant 1) Your opinion on all this?

Contestant 1: Hard pass.

Host: Good move.  (To Contestant 3) All right, next up: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 3: (To Contestant 1) Well, I’d have to say the worst thing I’ve ever done is not being there for my family when they really needed me.  It’s happened a few times, and it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my life.  I love my family, honest I do – I think you’d like them, too – I know I’ve hurt them in the past, so I’m hoping I can do better by them in the future.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

Host: That’s sweet.  (To Contestant 1) Whaddya think?

Contestant 1: (Clasping hands together while making heart eyes at Contestant 3) I think I’m in love!

Audience: AWWWWWWWW!!!

Host: And I would love to end it here, but we still have one more contestant: (Turns to Contestant 5) I’m almost afraid to ask: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) You want it alphabetically or chronologically?

Host: (Immediately turns back to Contestant 1) I think we’re done here; have you made your decision?

Contestant 1: (Leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 3, who also leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 1) Oh, yes-yes-yes!  (Contestant 1 and Contestant 3 crash into an embrace and twirl off backstage)

Contestant 1 and Contestant 3: I love you flaws and all!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Host: (To Audience) Well folks, another successful match made, another few criminals arrested; all-in-all another productive night of: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Host: Good night, and please, for the love of humanity, just do right by everyone!  (As the end credits roll and the Audience cheers, Host motions for the police officers to take in Contestant 2, who shrugs and goes with them willingly; Host swerves around Contestant 5, who is still sitting in the seat; the live mic picks up as Host points at Contestant 5) You scare me.

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) That’s so hot.