Story 575: Sleeping Like a Cat

            (At a kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 1 enters)

Guest 1: (Bursting into the room carrying a wrapped gift) HAPPY BIR – oh.  (Freezes upon seeing the chaos and starts to turn back; Guest 2 jumps up from an armchair, grabs Guest 1’s arm with one hand and the gift with the other, and steers the latter into the room)

Guest 2: Great, we need another pair of grown-up eyes here – you can say “Hi” to everyone on the way out – want a plate?

Guest 1: (Gently pushed to sitting on a folding chair, dazed) Uh, yeah, thanks.  (Guest 2 leaves to drop off the gift and fill up a plate of appetizers; Guest 1 looks around trying to figure out what game the kids are playing, then gives up; sees Guest 3 sitting on the nearby couch) Oh, hi there – (Guest 3 looks over) certainly no dozing off while we’re in here, am-I-right?

Guest 3: (Forlornly) If only I could.  (Nods toward a bean bag chair on the edge of the action) See that?

Guest 1: (Double-takes on seeing a cat curled up in the sinking middle of the chair, fast asleep) Aw, I didn’t even notice, how cute!  I always wonder how cats can sleep in the middle of all this racket, you know?

Guest 3: A mystery for the ages.  I only wish I had that power.

Guest 1: What, falling asleep in the center of a virtual hurricane?

Guest 3: Yes.  (A ball whizzes by the both of them) I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over 30 years.

Guest 1: Wow.  (Thinks for a few moments) Funny, I haven’t really, either.  Too many parties and studying late and working later, now I can’t even fall asleep until way after midnight and by then it’s already tomorrow.

(Both yawn simultaneously)

Guest 3: Ah yes: “To sleep: perchance to”… (Guest 1 waits expectantly) it’s gone.  And I was an English major, too.

Guest 1: Alas.  (The screams increase in volume) That cat has not moved a single muscle since I came in here – should we be worried?

Guest 3: One way to find out.  (Stands and expertly skirts around the hullabaloo to leave the room; the sound of tapping on the cat’s food dish soon follows, and the cat zooms off the chair into the other room) Sorry, no more food yet – just wanted to be sure.  (Guest 3 re-enters the room and sits on the couch again; the cat soon re-enters as well, gracefully weaves through the running bodies, hops back onto the bean bag chair, curls up again, and immediately falls back asleep) Probably could’ve just given a slight tap, but this was more definitive.

Guest 1: I never thought I’d be so jealous of a cat before.

Guest 3: I’m thinking we probably can do the same thing: you should only have to block out all stimuli, and you can sleep through anything.

Guest 1: Huh, is that all?  (Ball bounces off head)

Guest 3: Should be.  I’d try it right now, but my kid’s the guest of honor, so…. (A timer goes off in the kitchen) Aaaaaand that’s the main course, finally.  (Stands) EVERYONE IN THE DINING ROOM NOW!

(Everyone except for Guest 1 and the cat runs out of the room in varying levels of volume)

Guest 1: But I never got my appetizers....

THAT NIGHT

(At Guest 1’s apartment bedroom)

Guest 1: (Wearing pajamas) OK, this is it.  (Flops down on the bed) You can do this – just block out everything.  (Turns out the light and glances at the clock on the bedside table) Yes!  11:53 p.m.  You can do this, champ!  (Curls up into a ball, closes eyes, and starts breathing slowly and regularly until a SLAM! is heard overhead; eyes fly open) Oh no.

Neighbor: (Voice from the upstairs apartment, slightly muffled but voluminous) I told you, and I told you, but you never listen to me!

Guest 1: (Squishes a pillow over face) Oh-no-oh-no-oh-no-

Neighbor: (Accompanied by heavy footsteps and objects being slammed around) Yeah, well, I’d love to go off on sabbatical too, but I have RESPONSIBILITIES!... Don’t you yell at me while I’m yelling at you!

Guest 1: (Flings off the pillow and covers ears tightly) I am the center of the hurricane, I am the center of the –

Neighbor: You bet I’m gonna rehash everything, starting from 15 years ago when you forgot my last name!

Guest 1: Purring!  That must be the secret!  (Tries and fails to purr) Guess I don’t have the right equipment for that.  (Picks up a cell phone, finds a video with pink noise, turns the volume to maximum, plugs in headphones, and settles back with a sigh after one last glance at the phone’s clock) 11:59  That oughta do it.

Neighbor: (Extremely muffled through the pink noise) LA-LA-LA-LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Guest 1: (Curls up into a ball again, smiling) It’s almost soothing now.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In an office cubicle)

Guest 1: (Typing at a computer and nodding off, then snapping back awake) Whoa, afternoon slump.  (Quirks an eyebrow) Which is a normal part of our circadian rhythm, so who am I to fight it? (Leans back to peer out the cubicle opening, sees no one is approaching, then stretches arms out onto the desk while arching back a bit and crosses them one over the other to rest on them, closing eyes and smacking lips while settling)

Coworker: (Nearby) Auditors coming, everybody!  Finish up your reports and clean your workstations ASAP!

(Sounds of frantic typing, garbage dumping, phone calling, papers flying, coworkers crashing into each other, and emergency meetings being held in the middle of the office fill the entire floor)

Guest 1: (Eyes still closed; mutters softly) I am the center of the hurricane – I am the center of the hurricane – I am ZZZZZZ….

ONE HOUR LATER

Coworker: (Sticks head into the cubicle) What are you doing?!

Guest 1: (Jolts awake, looking around) Huh?  What?

Coworker: We’re all five seconds from getting a thousand citations for noncompliance in everything, and you’re napping?!

Guest 1: I was?...  I was!  It worked, yessss!!!!  (Jumps up and fist pumps for joy)

Coworker: Wow, not even attempting to deny it.

Guest 1: (Stops mid-jump and fist-pump) Ummmm…..

Coworker: I envy you.  (Leaves)

Guest 1: (Whispers to self) It worked, hee-hee!

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a church)

Preacher: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join….

Guest 1: (Sitting alone at the end of the back pew, mutters) That’s my cue.  (Looks around quickly to make sure everyone else is facing the front, then gently slides down to full-body stretch along the pew before half-twisting back and closing eyes) Center of the hurricane….

………………………………………………………………………………………

Preacher: Excuse me?

Guest 1: (Snaps open eyes to see Preacher standing next to the pew, then swiftly returns to a seated position) Oh – hi – great sermon – happy couple –

Preacher: Yes, perhaps you would like to join them?

Guest 1: (Looks around the now-empty church) Ah.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(A wedding videographer weaves through the reception hall’s dance floor, filming as everyone dances the night away)

Spouse 1: (Sees the camera and waves) Hi!  Thank you everyone who could be here today!

Spouse 2: Yeah, you all rock!  We’re all having a great time, wooo!!!!

Dancing Guests: (Raising their arms in agreement) WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(The camera pans around the room and zooms in on Guest 1, stretched out face-down across three chairs at an empty table, one arm dangling off the edge and the other stretched back)

Videographer: (Heard mumbling) How on Earth, in the middle of all this racket…?  Oops – remember to edit out time stamp 19:33:07 to 19:33:21.

(The DJ suddenly changes the music from 2020s pop to 1980s hair metal)

Guest 1: (Suddenly rolls off the chairs and lands on hands and feet) Hurricane!  (Stands and looks around quickly, sees everyone in the area still dancing, and casually sits down) That was close – hope I didn’t make it into the video.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At another kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 3 enters)

Guest 3: (Quietly sighs on seeing the chaos) Here we go.  (Sits on a chair to passively supervise, then notices Guest 1 curled up in a ball on the nearby couch, back to the world) Interesting.  (Lightly pokes Guest 1’s shoulder)

Guest 1: (Immediately rolls over, stretching fully) Oh, hi there.

Guest 3: Sorry to wake you; I just had to see for myself if it was true.

Guest 1: If what was true?

Guest 3: That at least one of us achieved the power of literal catnapping.

Guest 1: Oh yeah – thanks for the advice, worked like a charm.  (Several previously-hidden cats climb over Guest 1, turn semi-circles, and plop down to be spooned; Guest 1 obliges) Changed my life.

Guest 3: So I see.

Guest 1: Anyway, since this wound up turning out so well, I’m going to go back to…. (Points to the cats and the couch)

Guest 3: By all means.

Guest 1: Sweet.  (Gently rolls with the cats so they all are facing the couch cushions again; none move when a beach ball bounces off Guest 1’s back)

Guest 3: (Staring at the sleepers, brow furrowed in thought) Why do I feel like I’ve been missing out on something important this whole time?

Story 547: So Many Parties, So Little Time

            (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, what’s up?  Shouldn’t you be working right now, like I’m supposed to be?

Sibling 2: I am, but I needed to walk away for a few minutes before I threw my computer over a cubicle wall or something.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, know the feeling.  It’s quite liberating, actually; you should go through with it sometime, like when I –

Sibling 2: Yeah, I don’t think I want to hear the rest of that story: right now I’m sitting at the outdoor koi pond somebody here had the foresight to install a few years ago, and I’m slowly being hypnotized by the lazily swimming fish, wishing I were one of them….

Sibling 1: Groovy.

Sibling 2: (Shakes self out of trance) Anyway, I’m calling to check what time you want me to pick you up for the barbecue on Saturday.

Sibling 1: Which barbecue on Saturday?

Sibling 2: (Mini-sighs) Our cousins’ barbecue that you got the invitation for last month?  You said you’d bring the shrimp ring, and you know how much Grandpa looks forward to that.

Sibling 1: Oh, you mean our first cousins’ barbecue – I wasn’t sure if you were talking about that one or our second-cousins-once-removed’s barbecue.

Sibling 2: Second cousins – ?  Oh, well, no, we’re not going to that one: we got invited to this one first, and they’re closer in the family tree and distance.

Sibling 1: Well, maybe you’re not going….

Sibling 2: But you’re already going to this one.

Sibling 1: One can go to multiple events in one day, can’t one?

Sibling 2: I guess, but why?

Sibling 1: Party’s a party – I never turn down an invitation for free food, drinks, and/or pool.

Sibling 2: Of course you don’t.

Sibling 1: So, while we’re on the subject, I’m gonna need you to save me a parking spot for when I come back later.

Sibling 2: Oh, so you’ll only be leaving for a little bit?

Sibling 1: Wellllll, definite “a little bit.”

Sibling 2: An hour?

Sibling 1: That barely covers chips and dip!

Sibling 2: OK, how long do you need the spot for, then?

Sibling1: Hm, I’d say a good six hours.

Sibling 2: What?!  The second cousins’ second party isn’t that far away!

Sibling 1: Oh, I forgot to mention – after going to their barbecue, I have nine other parties to make cameo appearances in.

Sibling 2: (Nearly falls off the bench into the koi pond) Nine other parties?!

Sibling 1: Yeah – or is it 10?  No, nine; I’m losing track.  So, 11 total on Saturday – one that’s overnight – I’ve got another 10 on Sunday – another that’s overnight – and then back to work on Monday, yippee!  I’m exhausted already, but whatcha gonna do?

Sibling 2: (Flat tone) You have 21 parties to attend in two days.

Sibling 1: Yep!  Normally I’d just visit each one once, but I heard the first cousins’ one on Saturday’s gonna have s`mores at the end, so I’ll be coming back for those, yum-yum.

Sibling 2: OK, there’re the two barbecues, so what could all those other parties possibly be?!

Sibling 1: Oh, you know, the usual: birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, baby showers, baby sprinkles, wedding showers, wedding receptions, divorce receptions, retirements, Mitzvahs both Bar and Bat, and a for-real midsummer night party – supposedly, Titania and Oberon are flying in with their fairy crew on that one, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.  There’s no way one person can attend that many events in that short a time period, even if they miraculously were all held within the same geographic area which I’m assuming they’re not – it’s physically impossible.

Sibling 1: You’d think so, but I’ve got everything timed perfectly and it’s guaranteed to work like a charm.  Speaking of which, along with saving me a spot on Saturday, on Sunday could you drive my car from the train station here to the train station in the city so I can pick it up a little after 6:05 p.m., please?

Sibling 2: Hold on: you want me to drive into the city on a Sunday afternoon in the summer?

Sibling 1: Yeah, I’ll owe you one – want me to pick you up an Italian ice from the baby shower or a piece of cake from the wedding?  You’ll have to eat it right away, though – word is the temp’s gonna be 103°F all weekend.

Sibling 2: Wait, wait: after I bring your car to the train station, how’m I supposed to get home then?!

Sibling 1: The train.  Oh right – I’ll give you money for a ticket; how thoughtless of me.

Sibling 2: Why don’t you just take the train back to your car?!

Sibling 1: Because at 6:20 I have to be at some club downtown for the retirement party, and from there I have go to the suburbs for one of the birthday parties for a quick cake-and-ice-cream before going two states over where no trains are to be had for the Midsummer Night Party, Part 2: Puck’s Revenge.  So, I’ll need my car waiting for me there, not here, and wind up paying outrageous parking garage fees for the 1.25 hours I’ll be clubbing before I have to move on, but such is life.

Sibling 2: I’m just surprised there are no funeral repasts thrown in there for good measure.

Sibling 1: There’s the one, but I thought it’d be tacky to mention.

SATURDAY: PARTY #3

(At the first cousins’ backyard barbecue)

Sibling 1: (Bursting onto the scene through the open side gate, bearing aloft a shrimp ring and wearing a sash reading “CONGRATS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!”) Howdy, fam!

Relatives: (Stationed throughout the backyard at tables, lawn games, and the pool; all raise glasses in salute) Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

Cousin: (Rushes over to Sibling 1; they air kiss each other as the former grabs the shrimp ring) Nice to see you – Grandpa was getting antsy.  (Rushes to one of the tables and plops down the shrimp ring before rushing back to the grill)

Grandpa: FI – NALLY!  (Dives in)

(Sibling 2 strolls over to Sibling 1, holding out an unopened water bottle)

Sibling 2: Glad you could make it – thought your timing was off and you’d have to skip this one.

Sibling 1: (Sees the water bottle and shakes head while stripping down to a bathing suit) No thanks – nope, everything is right on schedule and this is the only event today with a diving-sized pool so I’m not wasting another second on personal greetings, byeeeeeee!!!!!  (Kicks off shoes, runs to the in-ground pool, and belly flops into the deep end, splashing everyone inside and out)

Sibling 2: (Shakes head and opens the water bottle to drink from it) Unbelievable.  (Walks over to the pool area and leans on the railing surrounding it; to Sibling 1, who is shaking water out of ears) By the way, where’d you wind up parking so I can save your spot later?

Sibling 1: (After swinging head back and forth a few more times) What?  Oh – parking’s a nightmare around here so I’m about five blocks over, jammed between two trucks.  I haven’t parallel parked in years; it wasn’t pretty, let me tell you.

Sibling 2: So how’m I supposed to save you a spot if there’s no extra room?

Sibling 1: I dunno; park sideways?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) And it’s five blocks away?  In this heat?

Sibling 1: You’re telling me!  The shrimp and I nearly melted on the way here, but at least that was in ice; I was sweating like a storm cloud!  (Nearby kids in the pool get disgusted looks on their faces and start swimming away) Oh, like you showered before you came in here!  That’s what I thought.

Sibling 2: I got a spot right out front and I am not giving that up, for you or for anybody.  Except maybe Grandpa: he’s earned it.

Sibling 1: But you promised!

Sibling 2: Relax: by the time you get back here, a good percentage of the cars on the street will have given up and gone home – I’m sure you’ll find something closer.  Maybe even right next to my car.  (Turns to walk back to the tables and food) Have fun getting all wrinkly in there before your next gig!

Sibling 1: Oh I will, oathbreaker!  (Sibling 2 waves backward over a shoulder as Sibling 1 leans back to float on the water) Ahhhhhh, this is the life… (Checks waterproof watch) for the next 35 minutes….

SATURDAY – SUNDAY: PARTY #11

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga and drinking mead from a tumbler; to a partygoer wearing a fake donkey’s head) So, are Titania and Oberon showing up tonight or what?

Partygoer: (Muffled voice) Doesn’t look like it.  (Gestures to the fake head) I was hoping this get-up would have them rushing over to resolve everything so all will be well, but nope – we should’ve thrown-in the mixed-up lovers for good measure but our host thought that would’ve been “a bit much”.  Best we can hope for is maybe Puck’ll show up tomorrow to give us the what-for.

Sibling 1: Ah yes: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: I’ll say – I haven’t been able to eat a bite all night with this thing on.

SUNDAY: PARTY #18

(In a banquet hall)

Sibling 1: (In a business casual outfit, devouring a filet mignon while seated at a round table with five other guests) Sure, graduation’s great and all that, but wait until the loans start getting called in – for the rest of your life!  (Everyone including Sibling 1 laugh uproariously, then start weeping silently) Twenty years later; they just don’t stop.  (Sibling 1’s cell phone rings; to the other guests) Excuse me.  (Turns away from the others to answer the call, sniffling) Hey, what’s up?

Sibling 2: (Standing on a train station platform) Enjoying the baby sprinkle?

Sibling 1: Graduation #2, actually – everything OK?

Sibling 2: No, not really: I’m in the city right now, after delivering your car as promised –

Sibling 1: Aw, you’re the best!

Sibling 2: Hm.  So, I’m at the train station, and wouldn’t you know it: the 100+° weather has melted the infrastructure, and all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Takes a bit of filet) Gee, that stinks – what time you think the next train’ll show up?

Sibling 2: I don’t think you’re listening: all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Chews for a bit) Oh.  So you’re stuck there, huh?  That’s too bad.

Sibling 2: Here’s the thing: I have a car right here, so I actually can go home right now.

Sibling 1: Oh, that’s great!

Sibling 2: …It’s your car.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Right.  I need that.

Sibling 2: So, here’s what I propose we do: I come and pick you up wherever you happen to be carousing now, and we both go home.  Now.

Sibling 1: Hang on, I can’t do that, I have… (Counts on fingers) three more events to get to tonight!  (Eyebrows rise in realization) You could drive me to them…?

Sibling 2: No.

Sibling 1: C’mon, it’ll be fun!  You don’t even have to drop me off and wait in the car; you’ll go to the parties with me, and we’ll have a blast!  Why didn’t I think of this earlier?!

Sibling 2: There are two issues with your sudden burst of inspiration: A: I wasn’t invited to any of your remaining shindigs, so that’d be rude; and B: I have a date tonight with either Elizabeth Bennet or Gilgamesh; I haven’t made up my mind who I’m in the mood for yet.

Sibling 1: Nerd.  Those two can wait forever: tonight’s to-dos are one-night only!  And the people running them won’t care if there’s one extra person – they’ll actually thank you for being there to take their food so they won’t have leftovers since there’s always more than can be eaten at these things and no one wants it to go to waste!

Sibling 2: (Sighs, wiping sweat off of brow) Three more parties, you say?

Sibling 1: Yes!  Next one’s a retirement after 60 years, so you know it’s gonna be wild!

Sibling 2: All right: I’ll bring you to that one, and if I can’t take it anymore when your allotted time is up, we’re going back home, got it?

Sibling 1: Absolutely!  But you won’t want to go home at that point, I guarantee it!

Sibling 2: Yeah, OK, text me the address where you are now, bye.  (Ends the call, flinching when the voice on the station platform’s loudspeaker announces the same lack of updates from five minutes prior)

Sibling 1: Yessss!!!!  (Texts the banquet hall’s address while turning back to the table, where the other guests are staring back in anticipation) My ride.

Guests: Ah.  (They all return to eating)

SUNDAY: PARTY #19

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 enter a club where the low lights are flashing, the deep music is thrumming, and the guests on the dance floor are bouncing)

Sibling 2: This is the retirement party?!

Sibling 1: I know, right?!  Best Vice President of Sales ever, woooooo!!!  (Raises arms and joins the crowd on the dance floor; Sibling 2 shrugs and does the same)

SUNDAY – MONDAY: PARTY #21

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga again, holding a tumbler in one hand and holding out another to Sibling 2) Mead?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it, then at Sibling 1) I’m driving right after this!

Sibling 1: …Oh yeah.  (Shrugs, then tries to drink out of both tumblers at the same time but spills the mead instead) Oops.

Sibling 2: (Shakes head) You’re hopeless.  So, what’re we all waiting in a creepy circle for?  (Gestures to the partygoers standing in a large circle)

Sibling 1: (Leans in conspiratorially) We’re waiting to see if Puck makes an appearance tonight with his magic and wonder, `cause apparently he’s the one who’ll make this party and without him it’ll be pretty dull and probably over in the next 10 to 15 minutes.

Sibling 2: Ah, I get it: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: (Wearing the donkey head again, points to Sibling 1) Hey, that’s what you said last night!

Sibling 1: I sure did!  (To Sibling 2) See?  I can nerd with the best of them.

Sibling 2: (Smiles affectionately at Sibling 1) OK.  (They stand in silence for a few moments) I have to admit, tonight was a lot more fun than I thought it was going to be, so even though it wasn’t originally on purpose, thanks for bringing me along.

Sibling 1: My pleasure.  (Tries to drink from both tumblers again and fails again) I’ll get this right some time tonight.

Sibling 2: So how did you get invited to so many parties all at once, anyway?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Dunno – guess I just network a lot, and can’t say “No” when it comes to a good time.

Sibling 2: Clearly.  (A bright lights appears in the middle of the circle) What the blazes is that?!

(A person who looks like a satyr appears in the middle of the circle as the partygoers cheer)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s shoulder and jumps repeatedly in excitement, spilling more mead) It’s Puck!  He’s actually here – this is AWESOME!

Puck: (Spreads arms wide open to receive the crowd’s adulation) Let’s get this party started, my midsummer night’s dreams!  (Whips out a boom box from thin air and starts playing 90’s dance music while almost everyone else gathers closer to do the same bouncing that the club guests were doing)

Sibling 2: (Staring in shock at the scene) I think… this is officially the weirdest night of my life.

Sibling 1: (Tosses the empty tumblers onto a nearby table and drags Sibling 2 into the circle to dance) If that’s the case, then we’ve really gotta hang out together more often!

Story 377: You Make a Terrible Relative

 (At a toddler’s birthday party)

Parent: (Greeting Relative in the crowded living room) Thank you so much for coming!

Relative: Sure – listen, I don’t know what the kids are into nowadays so I got the little tyke one of those credit card gift cards they sell at the supermarket.  (Hands over a gift card that has a tiny bow stuck on it) Tell `em “Go to town.”

Parent: (Gingerly takes the card) Oh, thank you – he is only turning 3, and if you weren’t sure what to get you could always call or e-mail me, that’d’ve been fine.

Relative: Yeah, I didn’t think of that.  Guess there’s always next year, right?  (Looks around at family and friends scattered about or romping about the room and furniture) So what’s next; I never know what to do at these things.  Any entertainment stopping by later?

Parent: Please just eat something.

(At a holiday get-together in a house)

Cousin: Oh hi, it’s so nice to see you; how’ve you been?

Relative: Could be worse – you?

Cousin: I’m good.  Remember last time we were all together like this, what was it, somebody’s 90^th birthday party?

Relative: I’m gonna be honest with you: these get-togethers and the people in them are all a blur, so I never remember your name or how exactly we’re related.

Cousin: Oh.  Our parents are cousins so we have the same great-grandparents – I think that makes us first cousins once removed?  Or second cousins?  I never know the difference.

Relative: Sounds too distant for me to care; as long as you make me laugh and aren’t too judgy, we’re good.

Cousin: …OK, I’m going to help set the table for dinner – nice talking to you.  (Heads to the kitchen)

Relative: Same here.  (Spreads across a couch and snacks on crackers and cheese) I’m gonna stay out of the way of setting up or clearing up or cleaning up or any of that – wouldn’t want to presume in someone else’s house.  (Grabs the last napkin) Aaaaand I forgot how we’re related again already.

(At a wedding reception)

Relative: (Sitting with other haphazard family members) Hi.  (Nods in greeting at each person)  How many hours’re left in this thing?

Distant Cousin 1: Well, they just served the pasta and salad so we’ve got quite a bit to go yet.

Distant Cousin 2: You know, technically you can leave whenever you want, heh-heh-heh.

Relative: That is true.  (Fiddles with the flowers on the centerpiece) I already sat through the disappointingly long ceremony; you don’t think anyone’d notice me leaving if I got up and walked out right now?

Distant Cousin 3: I’d notice!

Relative: And what’s it to you?  You’re 5 years old and this is your first wedding – you haven’t experienced enough of the inane horrors of these things to have an opinion yet.  But you will.

Distant Cousin 1: At least stay for the main course, and the happy couple also’ll stop by later to thank us for coming so you should experience that.

Distant Cousin 2: Oh yeah, I see they’re bringing the fancy box with them so I’ll give our gift then.

Relative: What’re you talking about?

Distant Cousin 2: (Holds up an envelope) When they come over, I’ll just drop this in the box.

Relative: What, you got them another “Happy Wedding” card?

(The Distant Cousins stare at Relative)

Distant Cousin 1: It’s the wedding gift.

Relative: I sent them a bunch of wooden spoons ages ago, what more do they want?

Distant Cousin 2: You seriously didn’t bring anything tonight?

Relative: Unless you’ve got a washing machine in there I’m assuming you mean money, and in that case why should I?  I didn’t tell them to take on all this expense or start a blessed life together in unified debt!

Distant Cousin 3: You’re supposed to cover your plate.

Relative: That’s rubbish – they invited me!

Distant Cousin 1: They are family.

Relative: Yeah, family just means you think you can impose; tell them to write me out of the will and we’ll be even – ooh, prime rib’s here!  (Devours entrée and ignores the couple when they arrive)

(At home, Relative’s phone rings)

Relative: (Answers while reading a magazine) What’s up?

Mother: It’s your mother – what is this I hear you’re not going to your niece’s graduation?!

Relative: Oh, should I be?

Mother: Yes!  She’s your niece!

Relative: Just because one of my siblings decided to have a kid doesn’t make their goings-on any more meaningful to my life.

Mother: You –

Relative: Anyway, I thought it was optional, like “Hey, if you have nothing to do on a weekday and want to sit on uncomfortable bleachers in the baking sun for four hours,” that sort of thing.  I planned on cutting work and watching movies that day; it’s marked on my calendar.

Mother: You’d better be there and you’d better bring a gift this time!

Relative: Ugh, what is it with everyone and gifts?!  Besides, she just finished school, we’ve all done it, no big deal.

Mother: She’s getting her doctoral degree!

Relative: Oh.  Really?  Must’ve missed when she started that; good for her.

Mother: You really are clueless – and while we’re at it, would it kill you to visit your grandparents every once in a while?

Relative: …Do you mean literally?

Mother: I can’t believe you come from the same gene pool as the rest of us!  (Hangs up)

Relative: (Tosses away the phone while flipping through the magazine some more; mutters to self) Families sure are exhausting.