At 6:30 in the morning, Actor returns home from the gym and immediately prepares an energy drink before embarking upon morning meditation; breathing cycles are harshly interrupted by the cell phone ringing. Actor open an eye to peek at who is calling, then turns off the sounds of chanting monks to answer.
“This better be good – you’re interrupting one of my many daily routines.”
“I can’t keep track of what you do from minute-to-minute; are you up to your 5-mile run yet?” Agent asked.
“No, that’s after breakfast at 7:30, not before!”
“You sure are regimental in, you know, living.”
“I told you, if I’m ever gonna get anywhere in my career I need to live the superstar lifestyle now, so I’ll already have perfection when I ultimately achieve my rightful success and glory! So why’re you calling me this early, we don’t have our daily update until 4:00?”
“`Cause I wanted to let you know ASAP that your success and glory may finally be here: you got the part in the new --------- film.”
Actor almost dropped the phone: “Eh?”
“Congratulations: table read’s in London on Monday, rehearsals start there the following week, then it’s off to Tunisia for six months’ filming. I’d appreciate if you brought me along for at least some of this as your valet or something – I never get to go anywhere fun.”
“But – this is a joke – I blew that audition!”
“Guess that’s what they were looking for, then; just keep doing that and you’ll be fine. Oh, and sign yourself up for some survivalist training or military boot camp or one of those things before you fly out on location, you’re gonna need it.”
Actor bristled slightly: “I thought we’ve already established I am in excellent shape.”
“Oh you are, it’s just that filming will be in a desert and you’re gonna be, you know, wearing all that stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“You know: makeup, prosthetics, couple of wigs, several layers of capes, a few extra limbs – ”
“Hold it, hold it: who told you this?”
“Casting director. Did you even read the character description? You’re playing a full-out creature, 50 lbs of accessories and all.”
“But I thought – everything’s motion-capture now so I assumed – ”’
Agent burst out laughing. “‘Motion capture?!’ Have you ever even seen a
--------- film?!”
“Don’t be snarky: of course I’ve seen his movies, and he has used updated tech!”
“Rarely, and only if something’s not working out in post-production and he can’t get the actors back in time to reshoot. That’s why everyone loves his movies, they look so real! Which means you’re going to be spending 12 hours a day getting buried in material before spending another 12 hours running around in 110°F weather pretending you’re reclaiming your home planet. Have fun!” There was a click as Agent ended the call.
Actor stared at the phone, all sense of serenity gone. “Wait, when do I get to sleep during all that?”
In Tunisia on the first day of filming, Actor enters the makeup trailer at 3:00 in the morning. The makeup artists are wired, having been there for over an hour already.
“Welcome! Have a set!” Lead Makeup Artist gestures to what appears to be a dentist’s chair.
“Uh…” Actor hesitates before being tossed onto the chair by the other makeup artists; then, the work begins.
Four hours later, Actor wakes up from a doze to see in a large mirror that a new face, maroon eyes, towering ears, a mouthful of fangs, three extra arms, and multiple heavy wigs had been added during the interval. Other co-stars also had arrived in the trailer in the meantime and are partially through their less-involved transformations.
Co-Star in the next chair over, almost done with just a wig, minimal makeup, and an extra nose, gives Actor a thumbs-up: “Lookin’ good!”
Actor stares back, frozen in place: “I can’t feel my skin.”
“No worries: they usually streamline the process by the end of filming – you’ll be here an hour or two less by then, I bet.” Co-Star hops out of the chair and leaves the trailer, whistling.
“I hate you now,” Actor whispers to the departing figure’s reflection in the mirror.
Lead Makeup Artist leans toward Actor’s actual ear: “Don’t struggle, please.”
“Huh?”
Three makeup artists flip Actor over and start adding four sets of wings and a prehensile tail.
“Can I take a short break to eat and use the bathroom, please?” Actor manages to choke out while smushed through a hole in the chair.
“Should’ve thought of that before the sun rose, dearie,” Lead Makeup Artist replies while painting a layer of glue all over Actor’s back.
Two hours later, Actor is lifted out of the chair by film crew members, set on a trolley, and wheeled to the costume trailer. Set Costumer looks up and down at Actor, who would be naked if not covered in latex, human hair, horse hair, various species of bird feathers, and sequins, then declares: “This will need some adjustment.”
Actor stands with arms and legs sticking out, from necessity: “Can’t I just go out like this?”
“And waste all this material?!” Proceeds with a mini-army to spend two hours draping and pinning layers of cloth over, around, under, and through Actor, finishing by using a suture kit to lace up thigh-high boots that have mini-rockets attached to the heels.
Set Costumer stands back to take in the view: “Magnificent! My best work yet!”
Actor gingerly starts to move, then freezes: “Do you know if all the stuff the other group put on me’ll stay on when I sweat? All the moisture inside is starting to migrate out.”
“Not my department.” Set Costumer shoves Actor onto the trolley for the waiting film crew members to wheel that outside where Director, co-stars, and remaining film crew members are set up for the movie’s first scene, located in an open area amongst the sand dunes with the noon sun beaming happily upon them all.
Director stares at Actor being tipped off the trolley to baby step onto the ground, then mutters to Assistant: “Find a way to speed up that one’s prep without omitting any of the feathers.” Assistant nods while taking notes; Director then addresses the entire assembly for the first time since rehearsal: “All right, this is Day 1 of filming and we’re already three weeks behind schedule, let’s move!”
Actor blinks rapidly as the surroundings swim slightly, then finds the mark and faces the other co-stars in their positions. The Second Assistant Camera with a slate runs towards the main camera.
“Why Are We Doing This?: Episode -3, Scene 207, Take 1!” Claps the slate and runs off as Director yells “Action!”
Actor takes a deep breath, clenches a primary fist, grits fangs, glares in character at co-stars who also glare back in character, and proclaims:
“…Line?”
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