Story 624: How to Get Out of Snow Removal: Lesson 1

             “Ugh, another snowstorm?!  Where do they all come from?!”

“Umm… the troposphere?”

“Ha-ha, my sides are splitting.  I just can’t take the futility of it all, you know?”

“No.”

“You know!  The whole ‘gotta clean off the car and shovel out the driveway’ five billion times, and then once more after the storm finally stops a month later.  And, again when the plows trap us in.  Again.”

“Well, it can’t be helped, and at least you’re physically able to do it.  And have a car and a driveway that need snow removed from them.”

“I know, but I don’t wanna!”

“Almost sorry to say that you have no choice: you’ll still be expected at work the next day, and unless you want to get up at 3 in the morning, you have to clear out everything by tonight and hope the snow doesn’t start up again while you’re asleep.  And I’m not coming over to help – I’ve got my own digging out to do.”

“Exactly!  We’re all trapped in this endless cycle of snow removal!  And what galls me is that it’s absolutely pointless!  We almost destroy ourselves removing the same frozen water over and over again, when if we’d just waited patiently, the Sun would do all the work for us – ohhhhh....”

“‘Ohhhhh,’ what?”

“I just came up with a genius plan.”

“I’m sure you did.”

“Want to hear it?”

“Not particularly – bye.”

“…Absolute genius!” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi, Boss – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> just letting you know I’m calling out sick today < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Really.”

“Oh yeah – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> I got this cough – <Cough – Potato-chip-chew – Cough-Cough-Cough> and a runny nose, and body aches, and I’m whipping up a fever as we speak.”

“You got a doctor’s note?”

“…We need those?”

“Yes.”

“Since when?”

“Always.”

“Oh.  Well, I really am sick < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Mm-hm: with what?”

“Sick of cleaning off my car and driveway over and over when it’s all gonna melt in two days!”

“That’s two days’ pay since the rest of us all manage to get into work without you.”

“Just put me down for Unexpected Paid Time Off or something – ”

“Oh, that you know about?”

“ – in the meantime, I refuse to participate in the perpetual snow removal conspiracy orchestrated by the shovel-scraper-snow-blower league a second longer!”

“Mm-hm: I’m writing you up for this.”

“Buuuuut I can still have the time off, yes? < Potato-chip-chewing noises>”

“Sure, you can have as much time off as you need, waiting for each and every one of those ice crystals to evaporate, until the entire mass is completely vanished from your car and driveway, no rush!”

“Wow, I had no idea you’d be so understanding about all this!... Hello?” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi there.”

“So, how did your snow-removal-by-sunlight experiment go?”

“Exactly as predicted: I’m currently relaxing on the couch, not a care in the world, accepting Nature’s processes and no longer fighting against her forces, allowing my car and driveway to gradually emerge from their frozen blankets millimeter-by-millimeter without me having to move a muscle, and it feel wonderful.”

“Great.  Still have a job?”

“Oh no: they fired me on Day 2 of this.”

“Naturally.”

“BUT, they’re so desperate for help that I should get the call any moment now reluctantly taking me back, with a stern finger-wagging and a grim lecture on how I’d better not do anything like this ever again or that’ll really be it.”

“I believe it.  So, how are the car and driveway doing with the evaporation technique, considering we had snow taller than most people this time around?”

“Oh, let’s see out the window… yes, they should be all clear at some point.”

“About when?”

“…June.”

Story 611: Trying to Avoid Being Late for Work

            (In a department store break room, Friend 1 tiptoes through the door, quietly opens a small locker, and tries to stealthily stash a coat and messenger bag into it, getting louder and louder as everything refuses to fit)

Friend 1: (Muttering) Get – in – you –

Manager: (Peeks head around an inner office doorway) Hey: need to talk to you for a minute.

Friend 1: (Pushes a bulge in as another item falls out) Oh, hey, um, actually, I probably should, you know, get on out there – (Stops to pick up an item) they probably need me, you know, out there – (Stops to pick up another item) you know, now – (Stops to pick up another item)

Manager: That’s what I want to talk to you about.  (Looks down briefly as another item falls onto the floor) Leave that for now.  (Goes back into the office)

Friend 1: (Hopping around stuff while mumbling) Oh-kay, thought we were all “Safety First” here…. (Enters the office and sits in a chair facing Manager) So – what’s up?

Manager: Your tardiness rate.

Friend 1: Oh?

Manager: You clocked in just now 15 minutes late for your shift.

Friend 1: Oh?  I thought it was only 10.

Manager: If it was the first or even the third time I’d let it go, but recently you’ve been steadily increasing your lateness minute-by-minute, so that I’m pretty certain one day you’ll clock in right as your shift is done.

Friend 1: …Well that’d be a neat trick.

Manager: This is your first and last official warning; next time, I’m writing you up.

Friend 1: Ah.  I suppose there’s no way at this point you can pretend you didn’t see me come in 10 –

Manager: Fifteen.

Friend 1: Fifteen minutes late, and we’ll let this be a valuable lesson to me?

Manager: You clocked into the system so it’s in the computer forever now.

Friend 1: Right.  Guess next time I should just “forget” to clock in and ask a manager to do it for me, eh?  (Exaggeratedly winks)

Manager: That is completely unethical, and next time you should come in on time!

Friend 1: Got it.  Would you accept the excuse that there was a lot of traffic?

Manager: No, because I know you live about five minutes away.  In fact, traffic actually was lighter today since it’s a holiday and there was no school!

Friend 1: Rats.  (Thinks for a few moments) And getting written up just means my permanent record’s besmirched, correct?

Manager: Three of them means you’re terminated.

Friend 1: Ohhhh….

Manager: This isn’t news: it was in the employee handbook when you were hired ages ago and it’s brought up at meetings at least once a year!

Friend 1: Yeah, but you never think these things actually apply to you, am-I-right?

Manager: (Sighs) If I cared more, I’d ask if anything was going on that’s making you late more and more, but I don’t so I won’t.

Friend 1: Good, `cause I don’t have an answer except that I’m lazy.

Manager: Clearly.  (Holds out a tablet) All right, sign here that we’ve spoken about this, then go out there and salvage what’s left of your shift.

Friend 1: Wait, I thought I wasn’t getting written up yet?!

Manager: Not officially, but we have to document everything, including verbal warnings.

Friend 1: (Signs the tablet) Typical corporate shenanigans. 

THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON 

(In the parking lot at Friend 1’s apartment building, Friend 2 pulls into a spot near Friend 1’s car as the latter is leaning against the vehicle)

Friend 2: (Hurriedly gets out of the car and rushes to Friend 1) Hey, what’s going on, are you all right?  You said it was an emergency.

Friend 1: (Pushes off the car and walks to the driver’s side door) You’re here, great: I need you to rear-end my car.  (Opens the door and starts to get into the driver’s seat)

Friend 2: (Pulls Friend 1 out of the car) Whoa-whoa-whoa – what?!

Friend 1: Yeah, I can’t get into too much detail right now, but basically I can’t clock in late for work again so I figured this would be the best excuse to not get written up and I technically wouldn’t be lying.

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: Sooooo – (Gestures to the two cars) you gonna help me out here or what?

Friend 2: Are you out of your mind?!

Friend 1: Yes, I think we established that some time ago.

Friend 2: I’m not going to ruin my car and deal with insurance and the police for something so inane as you wanting an excuse for being late to work!

Friend 1: It’s not inane, I could lose my job – eventually.

Friend 2: That’s a you problem!  Why don’t you just say you got stuck in traffic, like everyone else?!

Friend 1: They’re onto me with that one.  C’mon, aren’t you proud of me that I’ll be telling the truth on this one, strictly speaking?

Friend 2: No, because it’s my car that’ll suffer, and my insurance and license that’ll be slammed since you’re asking me to hit you!

Friend 1: Oh, don’t worry about that: I’ll take all the blame, say I wasn’t looking when I was backing up or something, and our state’s no-fault so it’ll just be our insurance companies duking it out and it’s all legal and no one’ll get hurt.  It’ll be a win-win-win!

Friend 2: Yeah, and meanwhile my rates’ll go up!

Friend 1: …Maybe I can write them a note?

Friend 2: Forget it!  I won’t even entertain the idea of committing perjury for you!

Friend 1: Oh don’t exaggerate – perjury’s only when you’re under oath, so at most it’ll just be fraud.

Friend 2: Not better!

Friend 1: (Tsks and shakes head) You know, you’re putting me in a real bind here.

Friend 2: I’m doing JACK SQUAT!  You’re the one who put yourself in this mess, and with all the time you’ve taken coming up with this asinine plot and having me drive over here, you could’ve been at work for hours by now!

Friend 1: (Thinks on that, then shakes head again) Nah, I still would’ve been at least 20 minutes late.  Wow, the time really is going up every shift.

Friend 2: What’s gotten into you, anyway?  Why is it suddenly so hard to get into work on time?  You’ve done it for decades with no problem until now.

Friend 1: I don’t know; I think maybe I’m going through my seven-year body change, and lately when I’m getting ready for work I realize that I really really really don’t want to be there.

Friend 2: Then either get a new job or get over it, because I am not staging an accident to enable your bad habits.  And what would’ve been your excuse for next time, hm?

Friend 1: I’m working on it.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.

(Another car suddenly backs into Friend 1’s car)

Neighbor: (Jumping out of the driver’s seat and running over to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t see you parked there, are you OK?!

Friend 1: …You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.

Story 605: The Hunt for Halloween Retail

             (In a warehouse store, Customer 1 intensely searches through the Halloween displays, going up and down the many aisles with an increasingly furrowed brow)

Customer 1: (Muttering) No – (Another aisle) That’s not it – (Another aisle) Not there – (Another aisle) No – no – no – no –

Employee 1: (Pauses after adding extra broomsticks to a bin at the end of the last aisle as Customer 1 is about to WHOOSH! by) Dooooo you need help finding anything?

Customer 1: (Whirls on Employee 1) Yes: you may regret you asked –

Employee 1: I already do, but go ahead.

Customer 1: I’m looking for something extremely specific, and the company’s site said this was the only store in 700 miles that had it, which is the only reason I left the house today.  (Holds up a phone displaying the incriminating evidence of “In Stock: 2”) It’s the FrankenWolfWitch Door Hanger, and I irrationally MUST HAVE IT.

Employee 1: (Peers closer at the display and grumbles) Traitor online inventory tracking.

Customer 1: I sympathize, but knowledge gained can’t be unlearned or something like that, so how about it?

Employee 1: (Starts typing on a handheld device) Yeah, it’s just that all our Halloween inventory should be out by now, so if you didn’t see it on any of the shelves then it’s Somewhere Else, which never ends well.  (Reads the results) OK, it’s supposed to be in Aisle 17, Bay 6, Shelf 3 – let’s go find out.

Customer 1: By all means: lead the way!                                  

(They arrive at Aisle 17, Bay 6, Shelf 3 and are greeted by a sign for the item with a giant empty space below that)

Customer 1: Figures.

Employee 1: (Attaches the device back onto a utility belt) OK, time for Phase 2.  (Crouches down and pulls out a large drawer full of overstock at the bottom of the bay)

Customer 1: Ooh, mysterious.

Employee 1: (Starts tossing out items backward over shoulders; Customer 1 dodges and ducks) Nope – not it – not even close – how’d this get in here?  (Tosses back a Santa Claus pillow)

Customer 1: (Catching the pillow and holding it close) Maybe it’s kept in the back, or it got put in the wrong spot?  I think it’d be too big for that drawer.

Employee 1: (Turns and stares balefully at Customer 1 for several seconds) You’re absolutely right.  (Stands, kicks the drawer shut, ignores the items now lying all over the floor, leaves the aisle, goes to a nearby back wall, and pulls on it to reveal racks with even more overstock in a darkened space)

Customer 1: (Follows to the edge of the open wall, still holding the pillow) I feel like I’m not supposed to be seeing this.

Employee 1: (Rummaging deeper into the overstock) You’re technically not, but I don’t really care at this point.  (Gets pulled deeper into the abyss) C’mon out, you little dweeb….

Supervisor: (Starts to pass by, backtracks to stare into the gaping hole in the wall, then turns to Customer 1) Dooooo you need help finding anything?

Customer 1: (Flinches as a large item crashes inside) I’m being helped, thank you.

Employee 1: (Stumbles out of the wall; to Supervisor) Yes!  Yes, you can help – we’re looking for FrankenWolfWitch!

Supervisor: Sorry, the what?

Customer 1 and Employee 1: (Holding up their devices) Here.

Supervisor: (Quickly glances at both) Oh, that.  Did you check the overstock drawer?

Employee 1: But of course!

Supervisor: OK, maybe it’s up top, then.

Customer 1: Up… top?  (Supervisor and Employee 1 point to the very tops of the towering shelves; Customer 1 stares up for a few moments, then turns back to both) You know, I don’t really need –

Employee 1: (Pulling on heavy-duty work gloves as Supervisor makes a call) Oh no: computer says it’s in stock, and by golly, we are tracking it down if it’s the last thing we do!  Before closing tonight.

Customer 1: Honestly, you’ve gone through more than enough trouble, I can just order it online –

Employee 1: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

(An enormous forklift turns a corner and slowly motors over to the group)

Manager: (Wearing a hard hat, drives the forklift to a stop by the aisle of Halloween shelves originally searched) You rang?

Employee 1: Yes, thank you!   (Grabs a hard hat being held out by Manager, hops onto the forks, and points to the top of the shelves) Take me up!  (Is lifted extremely high into the air)

Customer 1: (Holding the Santa Claus pillow tightly while watching Employee 1) This seems a bit dangerous….

Manager: (Monitoring the progress of Employee 1’s ascent) Nah, everyone here loves this stuff; breaks up the shift.  What’re you folks looking for, anyway?

Customer 1 and Supervisor: (Heads tilting back farther and farther) FrankenWolfWitch.

Manager: (Head also tilts back farther and farther) Heh, you don’t know how many times I’ve written corporate and the manufacturer to change the name of that thing – Frankenstein was the name of the scientist, not the creature, but nobody wants to hear it.

Customer 1: Well, “Creature” is too generic and people probably wouldn’t know which one it meant.

Supervisor: Yeah, and “FrankenCreatureWolfWitch” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

Manager: I know, I know; still.  It bothers me.

(Manager stops the ascending forks for Employee 1 to step off those and onto the top of the shelf)

Customer 2: (Passing by with a shopping cart full of items and rowdy children, and glancing up at Employee 1 for a moment; to Customer 1, while leaving) Whatever it is, it isn’t worth it.

Customer 1: I’m starting to feel that way, but they’ve all put in so much effort already.

Employee 2: (Comes over to look up at Employee 1; addresses Supervisor while neither one looks away from the search above) Does this mean we all have to stay late tonight?

Supervisor: Probably.

Employee 2: Drat.  (Cups mouth to shout up at Employee 1) You can do it!  We believe in you!

Employee 1: (Faintly from above) Thank you!

(Other customers and employees join the crowd to watch)

Customer 3: (To Manager) Hey, since you have that thing out, could you grab the last pack of paper towels at the top of the shelf at the front of the store?

Manager: (Not looking away from Employee 1) Not right now, I’m spotting my team member.

Customer 3: Oh.  OK.  (While walking away) Probably could make that climb, I’m still fit….

Manager: (Takes out a megaphone and points it upward to speak) How’s it going up there?

Employee 1: Any… minute… now….

Customer 4: (Shouts up from the back of the crowd) Could you also toss down another scarecrow if you see it, please?  The ones down here are all messed up!  (Several seconds later, a scarecrow soars off the top of the shelf and floats down into Customer 4’s arms) Thank – you!  (Tosses it into a shopping cart and rushes away)

Manager: (On the megaphone again) Need me to bring you over to another aisle?

Employee 1: I don’t think – wait – wait – I GOT IT!  (Holds up FrankenWolfWitch in triumph as the crowd below cheers and applauds)

Customer 1: (Clapping around the pillow, blinking around tears) It’s a Halloween miracle!

(Employee 1 hops onto the forks and holds on with one hand while being lowered back down to ground level by Manager)

Employee 1: (Hops off the forks to cheers, applause, and approving whistles, and formally presents the FrankenWolfWitch Door Hanger to Customer 1) As requested.

Customer 1: (Tosses the pillow to another customer, who puts it into their own shopping cart, and hugs the door hanger) Oh, thank you, thank you!  You’ve truly gone above and beyond!

Employee 1: (Bows to the crowd) All in a day’s work, my good people!

Manager: (Exits the forklift; to the crowd) Yes, yes, I train all our team members personally.

Supervisor: (Looking down at a handheld device; back up to Employee 1) Hey, so, where’s the other one?

(A sudden silence descends upon the crowd)

Employee 1: …What?

Supervisor: It says “In Stock: 2”, so where’s the other one?

Employee 1: ….

Supervisor: ….

Manager: ….

Customers: ….

Employee 1: …The store ghost must’ve taken it.

Crowd: (In understanding) Ahhhhh….

Customer 1: (Shakes head) Typical.

Story 601: Vacation Is Priority

             (In a department store office, Manager is completing an interview with Applicant)

Manager: (Seated at a desk across from Applicant) So, I think that covers everything; you were our last eligible candidate for the position and the others were just awful, so the job’s yours if you want it.

Applicant: Really?  Wow, thanks!  I do, yes – want it, I mean.  Thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  Now, I’ll get all the paperwork sent over to you, but in the meantime, I almost forgot: do you have any questions for me?

Applicant: Yes, as a matter of fact; it’s always a touchy one, I’ve noticed.

Manager: Salary?  It’s hourly and abysmal, I’m afraid.

Applicant: (Chuckles and waves dismissively) No, that’s expected; what I want to know about is: (Becomes very serious) vacation.

Manager: What about it?

Applicant: Exactly: what about it?

Manager: You accumulate it over time; what else is there to know?

Applicant: I want precise details: the number of hours each calendar year; how regularly we are allowed to be out; are there certain dates that are completely blocked off; that sort of thing.

Manager: Well, you’ll get a certain number of hours off per hours worked; I’d have to look up what the rates are for your specific position, but do you really need to know now?  You haven’t even clocked in for a shift yet.

Applicant: I know, but my time off is precious to me and I plan my vacations years in advance.

Manager: “Years”?

Applicant: Yes: I had an unexpected job change this year so that throws off my schedule a bit, but I fully intend to take my Antarctica cruise as scheduled in November.

Manager: (Raises an eyebrow) That’s less than three months from now.

Applicant: I’m aware, yes.

Manager: And how long is this cruise to the South Pole going to take?

Applicant: Well, factoring in flights to and from, I’m blocking out two weeks.

Manager: Two weeks in a month that includes Thanksgiving?

Applicant: Oh, I should be back in plenty of time before then – who wants to deal with those crowds at the airport?

Manager: You do realize you work in retail where our busy season starts immediately after Halloween?

Applicant: I’m sure you’ll all be fine without me; and I believe I should have accumulated enough hours by then, provided I work seven days a week for the next few months.

Manager: We don’t pay overtime; and you’d run yourself ragged for months for a few weeks of rushing from airplanes to ships and freezing in an area where there’s practically nothing?

Applicant: I wouldn’t say “nothing”: there’s a surprising amount of wildlife in an area most people write off as a barren wasteland of snow.  I’m extremely looking forward to witnessing actual penguins in their actual habitat, as long as they’re not eaten by leopard seals right in front of my eyes – I don’t think I’d ever get over it.

Manager: (Sighs and starts typing notes into a computer) Fine, since the trip’s already booked we’ll work something out; you’ll probably have to work a long stretch without any vacation days after that to make up for it, though.

Applicant: That’s all right, as long as I can take my next vacation in March, we’re all good.

Manager: (Stops typing to stare at Applicant) What’s in March?

Applicant: Oh, I randomly got in the habit a few years ago where I celebrate the vernal equinox by hiking a chunk of the Appalachian Trail; I know, a lot of people do it around then too, but it’s just so rejuvenating, a great way to welcome spring.  Shouldn’t take me more than a month.

Manager: (Blinks slowly at Applicant) You can take three days.

Applicant: Oh.  But I won’t get very far; probably barely make it out of Georgia before I have to head back.

Manager: (Blinks slowly again) Three days.

Applicant: Oh.  OK.  I’ll cut it short this time, I guess.

Manager: Please do.  (Starts typing again)

Applicant: Actually, my ultimate goal is to hike the entire trail, but that takes about five to seven months so I suppose that’ll have to wait until retirement, heh-heh-heh.

Manager: (Mutters while typing) What retirement.

Applicant: What?

Manager: (Stops typing and looks up) What?

Applicant: Well, anyway, after that I plan to spend the spring and summer tubing across all the major rivers in the country – probably need a bunch of (Does air quotes) “three-day weekends” tacked onto whichever days I’m scheduled off each week here –

Manager: (Turns away from the computer to lean on the desk, facing Applicant) Listen, you really should prioritize actually working here first before you start planning extra time off, hm?  You’ll be in a provisional period in the beginning, so you’ll have to demonstrate that you can do the job before you even start earning the extra hours off here.

Applicant: Oh yeah, no sweat: I just want to make sure that it’s guaranteed I can get away from it all at regular intervals.  If not, that’s a dealbreaker, I’m afraid.

Manager: Strange: those who apply to work here usually are more concerned with – oh, I don’t know – a living wage, health insurance, things like that.

Applicant: (Thinks on this for a moment) I suppose most people are fixated on such minutiae, yes.  Personally, all I need to know is how soon and how often I get my allotted “me time”.

Manager: Life isn’t all about vacation, you know.

Applicant: More’s the pity.

Story 591: The Downsides of Dating a Celebrity

 [Disclaimer: This is definitely not inspired by a true story; just a “What If?”]

(At a happening club in a major city, Fan and Friend stand on the fringes of a packed dance floor, taking in the frenetically swaying crowd, the dim swirling lights, and the pulse-pounding music)

Fan: (Looking like a typical nerd with glasses, ponytail, and non-club clothing; yells in Friend’s ear to be heard) I can’t believe I’m really here!  Thank you so much for inviting me to come along – this is gonna be the best night of my life!

Friend: (Dressed for the nightlife; sips from a drink before yelling back) No sweat!  Who knew working hundreds of hours as an unpaid intern in a dead-end career would mildly pay off, so I figured, share the joy when I can, know-what-I-mean?

Fan: Yes, this is awesome!  I never get to go anywhere exciting like this – it’s so much fun!

Friend: Yeah, and on top of that you may get to finally meet your #1 celebrity crush any minute now!  (Checks watch) Yep, he’s late as usual – he thinks it adds to his allure, but then he winds up getting stuck in traffic and it just makes him even later!

Fan: Oh yeah, that!  It’ll be nice just to see him sort-of in-person across the room, late or not!  Who knows, maybe he’ll even see me wave!

Friend: Oh yes, please do restrain yourself!  (They both laugh) Seriously though, I can try to get you close enough for an autograph, and you might even get to say “Hi” if you’re lucky!

Fan: Oh, thanks, but I don’t think I’m brave enough for that!  I’d probably stutter even on the one word!

Friend: Yeah, he has that effect on pretty much everyone these days!  I still can’t see it myself: he’s always been polite the few times we’ve interacted, but other than good looks and charm and that certain something, I really don’t get the appeal!  (Takes another sip)

Fan: I can’t explain it either – (Eyes suddenly widening in glee, she starts moderately hopping up-and-down and pointing at the club entrance while grasping Friend’s shoulder with the other hand; the clubgoers all go bonkers in that direction) Ooh!  Ooh!  There he is, he’s here!

(The clubgoers swam toward the entrance as Celebrity arrives with an entourage; security staff members manage the crowd as the group makes its way through the club)

Celebrity: (Wearing sunglasses and smiling broadly at everyone, shaking random hands and scribbling autographs on held-out photos, T-shirts, and cocktail napkins) Hello everyone!  Hi!  Yes!  Thank you!  Great to see you all!  I failed penmanship in school but no one cares!  This is the best party ever!

Clubgoer: (Toward the back of the crowd) I LOVE YOU!

Celebrity: Yes, I love you all, too!  (The crowd roars in happiness) Now: let’s boogie all!  Night!  Long!  (Dances surrounded by cheering clubgoers as security staff members run interference)

Friend: (To Fan) You sure you don’t want to try getting a little closer?  You just might be able to see the perspiration, and maybe even hear the hyperventilation!

Fan: (With hands clasped in front of her chest, watching Celebrity in muted awe) No, thank you!  This is enough.

Friend: Whelp, at least we got in for free, if nothing else!  (Finishes the drink and gestures at a passing server to request another one) I’ll be right back – need a refill!

Fan: (Nods without looking away from Celebrity) Uh-huh; have fun!

Friend: …Yeah, OK!  (Follows server to get a new drink)

(During the ongoing dance, Fan continues to watch Celebrity with a soft smile on her face.  In mid-move, Celebrity spins around and suddenly freezes on seeing Fan.  He whips off his sunglasses as he and Fan lock eyes for several long moments while time briefly stops for both.  They stare at each other in a perfect moment as the club disappears around them, until Celebrity pockets the sunglasses and urgently makes his way through the crowd to Fan, with security staff members flanking him)

Fan: (In a small voice as Celebrity quickly approaches) Is he actually coming this way…?  (Lowers hands)

Celebrity: (Stops breathlessly in front of Fan) Hi!

Fan: (Squeaks out) Hi!

Celebrity: I’m ------!

Fan: (Beaming brightly as security staff members unobtrusively run a metal detector wand around her and scan her face and fingerprints to run a background check) Yes, I know!  I’m --------!

Celebrity: (Appearing amazed) It’s really you, then!

Fan: (Looks uncertainly from side-to-side, still smiling at Celebrity) It sure is!

Celebrity: (Shakes head quickly to clear it) I mean, it’s you: The One I’ve Been Waiting For All My Life!

Fan: Oh, right!  (Laughs nervously, then stops smiling) For real?

Celebrity: (Smiling ecstatically) Yes!  I knew I would know the moment I saw you that you were The One, and here you are at last, after all my years of loneliness and searching!

Fan: (Starts smiling again) Oh!  Yes, well, here I am!  It’s so nice to meet you!  In person, that is – of course I’ve seen all your movies and that one TV show you did when you were a teenager!  Not that I’m obsessed or anything!  (Holds her arms straight out as a security staff member gives her a brief pat down)  Anyway, nice to meet you, in real life!

Celebrity: Oh, --------!  (Laughs, then leans in intensely) This is more than nice.

Fan: (Almost hypnotized by the stare) Wow.

(Security staff members give thumbs-up to Celebrity, who barely notices)

Celebrity: (Holds out a hand to Fan) Shall we waltz?

Fan: (Taking his hand) Oh, well actually, this music seems to be more of the mosh-pit variety –

Celebrity: (Chuckles, sweeping Fan out onto the dance floor and then pulling her in close) I’m sure there’s an orchestra playing somewhere.

Fan: Oh my.

(Oblivious to the high-decibel instrumentation and the confused and jealous clubgoers all around them, Celebrity and Fan stare deeply into each other’s eyes as the sway and somewhat dance to the music in their heads; both mentally latch onto “The Blue Danube” since that is the only waltz they know.  The clubgoers eventually go back to dancing or filming the two as security staff members follow them around the dance floor to maintain a perimeter of semi-privacy.  Celebrity and Fan dance for a few minutes of imaginary paradise, smiling wider and wider with each passing moment.  Eventually, they gradually slow down to a stop, and then there is that hesitation which just may lead to a kiss….)

Celebrity: So, I’m flying out to Paris in the morning.

Fan: (Shakes herself out of the reverie) Oh.  Really?

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s this new movie I’m working on; you probably heard about it by now – one of those blockbusters that takes place in about 20 different counties, so we all have to actually go out and film in 20 different countries; that whole thing.

Fan: Oh, my.

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s a real drag.  (Shakes hair in emphasis on the last two words) I mean, in this day and age, we’ve got CGI, we’ve got stock footage, we’ve got sets – no one would ever really know we’re not really saying our lines in Rome or Fiji or Tokyo or wherever, you know?

Fan: Tokyo?

Celebrity: Yeah, but it’s all part of the gig, I get it – we all gotta do our part and make the sacrifice for our job – art! – or whatever, right?

Fan: Oh yes, make the sacrifice….

Celebrity: (Takes Fan’s hand again and gazes intensely into her eyes once more) Anyway, what I wanted to ask, my darling –

Fan: (Leans in, almost swooning) Yes?

Celebrity: Would you like to… tag along?

Fan: …What?

Celebrity: I’m sure I could smuggle you onto the payroll as another “assistant” – (Does the air quotes) the world would know the truth, but there’s nothing they could do about it and we wouldn’t care about them, would we, my angel?

Fan: Um… well….

Celebrity: (Briefly sweeps away dramatically) Oh yes, I’m sure you have… family, or… a job, or… something, BUT – (Leans in closer for emphasis) when the Universe finally has the chips falling our way, do you really want to walk away without opening that door, hm?

Fan: (Confused by the mixed metaphors) Um….

Celebrity: (Suddenly concerned) Your passport’s in order and everything, right?  (Fan nods her head) No criminal record that I should know about, right?  (Fan shakes her head) Great!  (Now holding Fan’s hand with both of his own) Say you’ll come with, my dearest, my love, my soul’s other half!  I don’t think I could bear being parted from you for even a day – I don’t care what everyone says, video conferencing isn’t the same, it just isn’t!

Fan: (Looks up to think) Well….

Celebrity: (Falls to his knees) Yes?

Fan: (Looks back down at Celebrity) Well… if this is Fate, then I’m all in!

Celebrity: Yes!  (Stands back up and hugs Fan, lifting her up to spin her around then sets her back down) I’ll call my agent to book everything for you now!  (Slightly turns away to pull out a cellphone and makes the call)

Fan: (Smiling in bliss, turns around and sees Friend) Oh.  Hi there!

Friend: (Holding a new drink and staring at Fan in disbelief) Yeah… hi... what was that all about?

Fan: (Comes a few steps closer) So, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m going to Paris tomorrow, hee-hee-hee!

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: With ------ -----!  (Almost squeals in delight)

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: Ooh, are you gonna be there, too?!  That would be great if we could all go together, it’d be so much fun!

Friend: No, the nonexistent budget for my position doesn’t cover international film shoots; I just work in the local office.

Fan: Aw, too bad.  I’ll make sure to write you, though!

Friend: Yeah, about that: do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?!

Fan: …A plane?

Friend: No, doofus: you’re going to another country with a stranger!  And not just any stranger – a stranger whose every move is followed by the entire world!

Fan: Pff, he’s not a stranger, he’s ------ -----; everyone knows him, and no real dirt’s been turned up on him – yet.

Friend: Yeah, but you don’t know him, not really!  You literally just met him tonight, and this is all his – (Sweeps arms in the general direction of Celebrity) Public Persona, carefully cultivated and maintained for years to the point where he can’t turn it off anymore!  Even I’ve never seen him just be himself, and I’ve worked with him for months!

Fan: Well, it turns out that he’s my The One, and I’m his The One, and neither you nor any of our inevitable naysayers can do anything to thwart our love!

Friend: Love?!  Does he even know your name?!

Fan: Of course he – !  (Thinks for a few moments) Yes!  Yes, I told him!  (Quietly to self) Whew.

Friend: Oh, well, that’s a relief; for a moment there I was worried, but now I know everything will go swimmingly!

Fan: You’re just jealous!

Friend: Of what, the disaster you’re setting yourselves up for, or the paparazzi who’ll be your new best friends?!

Fan: Of OUR LOVE!

Friend: You know, I think you both actually believe that’s what this is.

Fan: (Raises head in injured dignity) One day, you’ll regret everything you’ve said here after we’ve shown how wrong you are, you –

Celebrity: (Holding the phone against his shoulder) `Scuse me, hon – (Fan turns to Celebrity) sorry to interrupt, but my agent’s ordering the plane ticket now and is asking: how do you spell your name?

Fan: (Icily turns back to Friend) I’ll be back in a minute.  If you’re gone by the time we’re done, I’ll make sure to find a spare moment to call you from France.  (Turns back to Celebrity and they walk away from Friend, arms around each other’s shoulders and heads touching)

Friend: (Sarcastically shouting after them) Yeah, yeah – say “Hi” to the Eiffel Tower for me!

THREE MONTHS LATER

(A large crowd has gathered at the front entrance of a hospital, with police and security officers maintaining control.  Their volume and activity increase when a car parks in the employee lot and Fan emerges, hurrying through with officers’ assistance as photos are taken, signs are shaken, and questions are shouted at her)

Crowd Member 1: --------!  Is it true you and ------ ----- secretly got married while he was filming in Reykjavík this year?!

Crowd Member 2: -------!  Is it true that you’re secretly pregnant with ------ -----‘s decuplets?!

Fan: (Turns slightly at that one while still walking) What?!  Is that even physically possible?

Crowd Member 3: --------!  Is it true you were abducted by extraterrestrials 10 years ago and now are trying to get ------ ----- abducted as well?!

Fan: (Not turning back) I can’t believe that one’s still going around.

Crowd Member 4: Will you be his quote-unquote assistant forever?!

Crowd Member 5: What about the fraud charges he’s currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 6: What about the fraud charges you also may be currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 7: Does your “D” in high school Chemistry affect his estimation of you as a suitable life partner?!

Crowd Member 8: Does he know about that shoplifting incident when you were 7?!

Crowd Member 9: Do you know about his shoplifting incident when he was 27?!

Crowd Member 10: Do you know he has a step-father?!

Crowd Member 11: Does he know you have a half-sister?!

Crowd Member 12: Do you know that he may have a love child or children?!

Crowd Member 13: Do you have a love child?!

Crowd Member 14: Are you his love child?!

Fan: (Stops at the hospital’s front doors, then slowly turns around to face the crowd) Listen: I’ve put up with being followed all around the world, and then at the grocery store and while getting a haircut when I got back home, but today is my first day back at work after being on leave, so if you’ll excuse me, I have to go in there and save some lives today!

Crowd Member 15: Ha!  We all know you’re just an administrative assistant!

Fan: Rude.

Crowd Member 16: (To Crowd Member 15) Yeah, she’s on the front lines with everyone else there – she’s a healthcare hero!

Fan: (Smooths hair back a bit) Well, I wouldn’t say “hero” exactly –

Crowd Member 15: (To Crowd Member 16) She’s at the back of the front lines and supports the actual heroes!  She’s got borrowed glory!

Crowd Member 16: She provides vital support, which is more than you’ve ever done with your life!

(They start whacking each other with their signs; the rest of the crowd joins in the fray as Fan rushes into the hospital and up to her department’s office)

Manager: (Seated at a desk, looks up from a computer as Fan hurries in through the door) Hey, look who’s back!  I thought you said you were coming in next week?

Fan: (Dumping personal bags onto a dusty desk) Yeah, well, I was hoping to head off the crowds, but I forgot they know everything about everyone so that failed spectacularly.

Manager: (Goes over to a window and peers down at the front entrance of the building) Ooh, yeah, see what you mean.

Fan: (Sits at the desk and starts up the computer as Manager returns to the other desk) So, thanks again for letting me take all this time off with… no real notice.

Manager: Not at all!  You had a lot of vacation time backed up, and we managed; this also has been the most exciting thing to happen here in years, so I do expect to hear all about it at some point.

Fan: (Smiles) I’ll type up a report just for you.

Manager: (Starts typing) Awesome.  Also, I’d already sent a memo out to the team that they’d better leave you alone when you came back, so I’ll just send a notice that it’s effective immediately instead of next Monday.

Fan: (Looks over at a door with a window, sees team members standing on the other side smiling and waving, and smiles and waves back) Thanks – appreciate it.

Manager: (After sending the e-mail, goes to Fan’s desk as the latter wipes down the computer) Sooo….

Fan: (Looks up at Manager) Yep?

Manager: (Trying to contain excitement) What was it like?!

Fan: What, the professional and amateur stalking or the permanent jet lag?

Manager: Well, those, and, you know – (Sits on the edge of the desk) finding out your celebrity crush was also your soulmate?

Fan: Oh.  That.  Not all it’s cracked up to be.  (Picks up the ringing desk phone)

Manager: (Goes back to desk) Oh.  No hope for the rest of us, then.

Fan: Laboratory, this is --------, how may I help you?

Crowd Member 17: (On the phone) Is it true you work there just to get ------ ----- a regular blood supply so that he can remain forever young?!  (Fan hangs up the phone)

Manager: Did you at least have fun visiting all those different countries?

Fan: (Scrolls through thousands of unread e-mails) Yes, those were all great, everyone who wasn’t harassing us was lovely.  (Turns to Manager) You know when you want something so badly for so long, and then one day you improbably get it, but then it turns out to be not as fulfilling as you’d dreamed it would be?

Manager: (Nods) Every day.

Fan: (Hears her cell phone ringing, then checks the caller ID and slumps) Oh no.

Manager: Ooh, is it him?

Fan: (Reaches toward the screen) I’ll call back later –

Manager: No-no-no, answer it now – use the break room, it’s empty and I won’t let anyone in!  Or listen.  (Puts on a pair of headphones)

Fan: (Stands and goes to the break room) Thanks a lot, really.  (Enters and closes the door)

Manager: (Returns to working on the computer) Sometimes, I wish I was nosy.

Fan: (Answers the call, tiredly) Hi!

Celebrity: (On a sound stage; film crew members and actors bustle all around him) Hi!  How’s your first day back at the old salt mines, heh-heh-heh?

Fan: Well, I just realized that I forgot to put on an away message, but I think everyone figured it out after the first few weeks.

Celebrity Ugh, work e-mail, what a drag, am-I-right?

Fan: …Yeah.

Celebrity: So, sorry to bother you with this while you’re doing work things, but I didn’t want to forget later: I know I said I was going to take you out for your birthday this week, and finally meet your parents and all that home stuff –

Fan: (Gritted teeth) Yes?

Celebrity: BUT, turns out my P.R. people added another stop on the obligatory press junket, so now I have to be a guest on yet another late-night show that same day, and since it’s a three-hour flight both ways –

Fan: I got it.  Maybe next week, then.

Celebrity: Yeah, that’s the thing: we’re starting rehearsals on my next film on Monday, and it’s also tech week for my Broadway debut, and both productions so kindly rearranged their schedules so I could do each, and my current film’s wrapping up production today but the studio’s threatening reshoots and you know how that goes –

Fan: (Briefly closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose) Fine, forget the birthday.

Celebrity: You sure?  I always forget mine, so I’m never certain how other people feel about theirs.

Fan: …So when do you think we can meet up again?

Celebrity: Hold on, let me check – (Scrolls through his phone for a few moments, then gets back on the call) Great: I have a few hours open on February 25!

Fan: (Stares out blankly) February 25.

Celebrity: Uh-huh!

Fan: Of next year.

Celebrity: …Uh-huh!  Want me to put it on the calendar so I don’t accidentally book something else in the meantime?

Fan: …No, I think I’ll pass.

Celebrity: Oh.  Maybe March, then?

Fan: You know, after the first day of our… relationship, I barely saw you for more than five minutes at a time, and we were always rushing off somewhere to do something that we never really got to know each other, you know?

Celebrity: What’s there to know?  We’re each other’s The One!

Fan: Yeah, that’s fine for a hot minute, but I need something more substantial for the rest of my life.  Plus it’s a bit hard to connect with you when everyone else is trying to connect with you, too – I should know, since I was one of those “everyone else.”

Celebrity: Bah, I hardly notice them anymore now that you’re here!  (Fan double-takes) And I know, I’m sorry I’m all work-work-work lately – my life didn’t used to be like that until I made it big, and now I’ve got all these projects going on that I can’t pass up opportunities or else they’ll stop coming and then I’ll never be able to find work in the business again, but everything’ll slow down in a few decades, I promise!

Fan: OK.

Celebrity: OK?

Fan: Yes – call me when everything’s slowed down in a few decades, OK?

Celebrity: (Crestfallen) Oh.

Fan: But don’t worry: I’m sure you’ll find someone right away who’ll have your love children or just go out on dates or whatever in your extremely limited spare time.

Celebrity: You were the first person I ever dated!

Fan: No way, really?

Celebrity: Yes!  I’m sure you remember I used to say in all my interviews that I was waiting for The One, and I was, and The One was you!

Fan: Oh.  I thought you exaggerating to look adorable.

Celebrity: I would never!

Fan: Oh.  Well, that’s flattering.  I guess, then… think of this as a learning experience.

Celebrity: Wait, is that it, then?  We’re going to scorn the Will of Fate, and never see each other ever again for the rest of our lives?!

Fan: Well, I’ll certainly see you on the big screen, buddy!

Celebrity: (Sadly) And I’ll see you in my dreams.  (Ends the call and slowly sits on the floor, staring out into the distance)

Fan: (Looks at the phone’s screen and sees the disconnected call) Aw, why’d he have to go and say a thing like that?  (Goes back into the office and sits at her desk)

Manager: (Removes the headphones) So?  Everything good?

Fan: No, actually: we just broke up.

Manager: What?!  Really?!  Maybe it’s not so final – maybe you two just need a little break from all the whirlwind you’ve been through, that’s all.

Fan: Our entire time together was pretty much a break: I basically followed him around and we occasionally got to eat at the same table in a restaurant or have our picture taken next to each other for five seconds.

Manager: Oh.  So pretty much most of the cons and few of the pros of being a celebrity, huh?

Fan: Pretty much.

Manager: Who knows: maybe he’ll try to win you back or something.

Fan: (Hears noises outside and goes to the window to see that the crowd in front of the hospital is leaving) Nope – the public has decreed that it’s over, so it must be over then.

Manager: They’re gone?  Good – for you, and, on a selfish note, some corporate VPs are coming for our quarterly meeting today, so them seeing that mess out front would’ve been really embarrassing.

Fan: That meeting’s today?  Oops.  (Her cell phone rings again)

Manager: (Puts the headphones back on) Take it – hardly any work is getting done here right now, so I’m just rolling with it.

Fan: Thanks.  (Checks the caller ID, raises an eyebrow, and goes back into the break room but does not bother closing the door) Hey!

Friend: (Seated at a desk in an office) Hey: I heard you and ------ ----- just broke up.

Fan: Of course; the whole world has heard by now, I suppose.

Friend: You suppose correctly.  Sorry to hear it.

Fan: Really?  I thought you saw the whole thing as stupid and fake.

Friend: I did, but I’m still sorry you had to go through all that and still not get the guy in the end or whatever.

Fan: Thank you.  It really is all for the best, though.

Friend: So he wasn’t The One after all that, huh.

Fan: It seems not, but at the time I could have sworn he was.  It’s strange: I had liked him from afar for so long, but your opinion of someone really does change once you see their personal hygiene habits.  Also, when you hardly see them at all, it makes you wonder: what’s the point?

Friend: And that’s why I willingly remain single to this day.

Fan: Yeah.  And on top of everything else, I don’t think I can ever watch him on-screen in the same way again after this.  Lesson learned, I guess.

Friend: So I take it that if you had to do it all over again, you would’ve turned him down and avoided the drama and heartache?

Fan: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Story 584: Waiting for the Epic Office Romance to Begin

            (In an office hallway, Manager and Employee 1 walk toward a cubicle)

Manager: (As both stop in front of the cubicle entrance) So, I think that covers everything for orientation – any questions for me before you officially start your first day here?

Employee 1: No, I’m all set and ready to begin the next big chapter in my life where I finally find meaning and purpose through serving others and living up to my fullest potential.

Manager: Well, we just sell office supplies here, so don’t get your hopes up too much, heh-heh-heh, [Sigh].  (Appears momentarily deflated)

Employee 1: Oh, the type of work doesn’t matter: as long as I excel in all things and am surrounded by colleagues who are interesting, funny, and/or emotionally deep, I’m sure to find my soulmate in no time.

Manager: …I’m sorry, what?

Employee 1: You know: throw yourself into the job so you can be the best that you can be, all so that when the time is right you are ready and worthy of passionate love from one of your compatible coworkers, and vice versa.  They’re the only people in your life who ever really understand you.

Manager: Um, OK; it’s not exactly against H.R. policy as long as the individuals are in the same pay grade, but interoffice romances aren’t exactly encouraged around here.

Employee 1: Intra.

Manager: What?

Employee 1: Never mind – why not?

Manager: Because they’re been found to be very… disruptive.  And obnoxious.

Employee 1: Well, no need to fear on that account: I’m very discreet.

Manager: That’s not the – look, just do your job, and socialize with your colleagues only at work-sanctioned events, and everything should be fine, m’kay?

Employee 1: Is that an order?

Manager: It’s a strong recommendation.

Employee 1: I’ll take it under advisement, then.

Manager: Please do.  (Gestures to the workspace inside the cubicle) Your desk.  Decorate the space however you wish, as long as it’s rated G.

Employee 1: (Walks into the cubicle and looks around the blank walls, nodding satisfactorily) An empty canvas for my inner self to shine through.

Manager: Swell; I’ve got a meeting – (Checks watch) two minutes ago, but message me if you need anything otherwise.  (Dashes away)

Employee 1: (Sits on a rolling chair and spins slowly, taking in the ambience) Let the great adventure begin….

SIX MONTHS LATER

(In a conference room)

Employee 2: (Standing in front of a screen that shows a presentation and advancing to the last slide) And that’s the end – any questions?  (Employee 3 raises a hand) Yes?

Employee 3: (As Employee 4 yanks the other’s hand down) No.

Employee 2: No?

Employee 4: (Glaring at Employee 3) No!

Employee 2: Ohhh-kaay… anyone else?  (No one moves) All right: if you think of anything later, you know where to find me.  (No one moves) Bye.  (Most of the other attendees quickly leave as Employee 2 starts cleaning up; while shutting down the computer, looks up briefly and sees Employee 1 is now standing in front of the station) Oh, hey; I thought everybody had left.

Employee 1: They did.

Employee 2: (Still working on the computer) Heh, yeah.  (Finishes there, then looks again at Employee 1) So, you have any questions about the presentation you didn’t want to ask in front of the others?

Employee 1: No.

Employee 2: (Awkward silence) OK, then what can I help you with?

Employee 1: That was a very good presentation you did today.

Employee 2: Aw, thanks.

Employee 1: I think you’re a very smart person who will go far in life.

Employee 2: Well, that’s a nice thing to say.

Employee 1: You’re also witty, charming, and fun to be with.

Employee 2: …Thanks?

Employee 1: You also are one of the few people on this planet who truly gets me.  I can tell you anything, and you understand completely.  We are like two pieces who finally realize that they fit together perfectly in the jigsaw puzzle of life.

Employee 2: OK, I gotta stop you right there: are you asking me out on a date or something?

Employee 1: …I was building up to that, yes.

Employee 2: You know I’m married!

Employee 1: But you’ve never really felt true love until you finally met me, right?

Employee 2: No!  I am very much in love with my spouse, both then and now!

Employee 1: So the vows of fidelity weren’t sworn in haste because you’d given up on finding your predestined mate, and you don’t regret having sacrificed your one chance of happiness once I entered your life at last?

Employee 2: (Considers the wording for a few moments) Yessss?  Yes.  I don’t regret anything.  Except this conversation.

Employee 1: (Nods) I understand.  (Walks to the conference room door, then turns back) I suppose this now means you’d rather I wasn’t your partner in the office tennis match this Saturday?

Employee 2: Most definitely so; I’ll take care of switching our teams around.

Employee 1: Very well.  Good-bye forever – you have no idea of the grand romance you’re depriving yourself.

Employee 2: I’ll manage my disappointment somehow.  (Employee 1 leaves) Now where on Earth did that all come from?!  I think we’ve spoken twice in all the time I’ve been here!

SIX MONTHS LATER

(Employee 5 is working in a cubicle)

Employee 5: (Clicking around multiple areas on the computer screen) Copy… and… paste… and… send.  Another report down; 639 to go.

Employee 1: (Sticks in head at the cubicle entrance) Hi, can I talk to you for a minute?

Employee 5: (Turns around in chair) Um, sure, yeah.  (Employee 1 enters) What’s up?

Employee 1: Well, I’ve been in this office for a year now, and not gotten very far.

Employee 5: Oh, that’s too bad: it seems like you’ve been doing OK with all the projects they give you and everything.

Employee 1: (Pacing dramatically within the confined space) Yes-yes, all that’s been fine, and my career development has been phenomenal, but the picture’s incomplete without the love of my life who’s supposed to be here, but so far isn’t.

Employee 5: …Sorry?

Employee 1: (Stops pacing and faces Employee 5) Basically, I stopped by today because I’ve gone through the entire department and still no takers, so that leaves you as a last resort.

Employee 5: …Huh?

Employee 1: Perhaps it was always meant to be this way: casual acquaintances who are barely aware of each other’s existence, suddenly thrown together by happenstance and realize they complement each perfectly, and now will have the lifetime of bliss they so richly deserve and others will envy, `till death do they part.

Employee 5: …What?

Employee 1: I personally prefer the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers route, but hey, I’ll take whatever the universe decides to graciously bestow upon me at this point.

Employee 5: …Eh?

Employee 1: I know, this is all so sudden for both of us, but when true love finally shows up and slaps you in the face, you really should start paying attention, am-I-right?

Employee 5: …Who?

(Manager appears in the cubicle entrance)

Manager: (To Employee 5) Are you OK?

Employee 5: …Yes?

Manager: Good.  (Points to Employee 1) You.  In my office.  Now.  (Leaves)

Employee 1: (To Employee 5) Perhaps Fate will allow us to continue this conversation later, but I doubt it.  Farewell, The One Who Got Away.  (Strides out purposefully)

Employee 5: …Where?

(In Manager’s office several minutes later, Employee 1 enters)

Manager: Close the door.

Employee 1: (On closing the door, sees Manager seated at the desk with H.R. Representative seated nearby) Ah.

Manager: Yes, “Ah”: sit.  (Points to the chair in front of the desk; Employee 1 sits calmly) You know what this is about?

Employee 1: My eternal quest for true love that is the right of all human beings?

H.R. Representative: Yes, we’ve received a number of harassment complaints about you regarding that “quest”.

Employee 1: Well, that’s a little harsh: I only approached each person once.

Manager: Yes, the only good parts about this debacle is that you backed off right away every time, and you kept your hands to yourself – otherwise, you’ve created a very disruptive working environment over the past few months, which is exactly what I said would wind up happening if you started this nonsense!

Employee 1: But Your Honor, how else am I going to find my life companion except in an environment of shared loathing such as work?

Manager: I’m not a judge!

Employee 1: Oh.  Gotta say, certainly acting like one right now.

Manager: Bottom line is: go find your soulmate at a bar or an online dating site or in the supermarket like everybody else; apologize to everyone in this office who you’ve bothered with this garbage; and keep everything you say and do here strictly work-related going forward; or else you’re through with this company, understand?!

H.R. Representative: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you.

Manager: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you!

Employee 1: Very well.  I will begin my apology tour at once.  (To H.R. Representative) Please send me the courses and I will complete them promptly.

H.R. Representative: Excellent.  (Starts typing on a tablet)

Employee 1: (To Manager) May I go now?

Manager: Please do.

Employee 1: (Stands, walks to the door, and opens it, but then turns back to Manager) You know, I don’t think we’ve ever clashed like this before; perhaps this is our friends-to-enemies-to-friends again-to-lovers one true romance that has been waiting for us this entire –

Manager: (Points to the door) OUT!

Employee 1: Never mind.  (Leaves)

H.R. Representative: (Pauses in typing) Does that count as violating the remediation terms already?

Manager: (Props elbows on the desk and slumps head into hands) Give one more chance – in a horrible ironic twist, that’s the only employee right now who can fix the copier when it jams.