Story 577: Going Back to a Ghost Office

             (At a work-from-home desk)

Coworker: (Speaking to a group through a video conference) So after reviewing the numbers, the upcoming fiscal year is projected to be a 10% improvement over the last one.

Manager 1: (Nodding head with others on the conference) Good-good, that’s what we want to hear.  Any questions?

Director: No, I think we’re all set.  (To Coworker) Great presentation; really sets my mind at ease for preparing next year’s budget.

Coworker: (Smiling in relief) Glad to hear it!

Manager 1: You can stop sharing your screen now.

Coworker: Oh right.  (Stops sharing the screen and closes the presentation)

Director: OK, if nobody has anything to add then I say this meeting is adjourned.

(As everyone else nods, Coworker sees a private message from Manager 1 pop up in a corner of the screen)

Manager 1: (Message) “Please stay on after everyone else signs off.”

Coworker: (Smile freezes in horror) <Gulp>

Director: (To Coworker) Everything all right?

Coworker: (Looks back up at the group; chokes) Yes! – ahem – Yes, just… (Everyone stares back expectantly) I.T. issue.

(The others groan in sympathy)

Director: I.T.’s the worst, isn’t it?

Database Manager: I’m I.T.

Director: Sorry – you’re the best.  Anyway, gotta go: got two overlapping meetings and I’m late for both, bye!  (Signs off, followed by everyone else except Manager 1 and Coworker)

Manager 1: So!  The reason why I asked you to stay on –

Coworker: (Wiping sweat off of forehead) Uh-huh, uh-huh –

Manager 1: – is because we’re already here and it’s easier than back-and-forth e-mails or – ugh – a phone call.

Coworker: (Drily swallowing) Uh-huh, uh-huh –

Manager 1: At any rate, I hate to bring this up but –

Coworker: The-presentation-was-awful-and-I’m-being-replaced-by-a-robot-and-the-company’s-finally-going-to-fire-me-with-no-severance-pay-or-holdover-health-insurance-I-just-know-it!

Manager 1: What?!  No, the presentation was great and you’re actually getting a raise this year that I’m technically not supposed to tell you about yet – where is all this coming from?!

Coworker: …Nowhere.

Manager 1: We’ll chalk it up to stress.  Listen, I’d rather couch this as asking for a favor, but since I’m your boss I really supposed to tell you to do this: I need to you to go back into the office tomorrow.

Coworker: (Blinks in confusion and whiplashing emotions) Go… back… into... the office…?

Manager 1: Yeah, I know, it’s been, what, five years since we last were there?

Coworker: (In awe) That’s half a decade….

Manager 1: Wow, phrasing it like that makes it sound even worse.

Coworker: Sorry.  I didn’t realize the company still had an office.

Manager 1: I know, right?  Last I heard, they cut it down to half a floor to save on rent; only a few people go in regularly.

Coworker: …Why?

Manager 1: Voluntold, I guess.  CEO stops by every so often, too; probably to see how the money’s being spent, and also to get out of the house.

Coworker: (Back in a panic) Soooo… is this it?

Manager 1: “It”?

Coworker: Am I being sent back… in?

Manager 1: Oh no, this is only for a day.  I won’t send you back in permanently as long as I can help it, and I know you’re actually working when you work from home which, let’s be honest, between you and me, can’t be said for everyone in our department.  (Seals lips and “Ssh”s self)

Coworker: (As a few coworkers spring to mind) Oh, I don’t know….

Manager 1: Yeah-yeah, we all know – the point is, there’s an audit tomorrow and the surveyors want it in-person so someone from each department has to be there, and up until today it was going to be me but I just found out from our Director a little while ago that I now have to get myself thee states over with no travel reimbursement to do a site inspection of one of the warehouses because something funny’s going on, although who knows what I’m supposed to do about it except tattle and try to shame them into compliance, good luck with that, so there that is, the timing’s awful, I’ll give you all my notes, but you’ll do fine, I guarantee it!

Coworker: (Having lost track several phrases ago) Huh?

Manager 1: I’ll send you an e-mail – you’ve got this; just think of me driving for seven hours to face a bunch of incompetent liars and what you’ll have to go through will seem like nothing.  Fare thee well!  (Meeting ends)

Coworker: (Sits back in a daze) Back to the office… I don’t think I remember how to get there….

THE NEXT DAY

(Coworker enters the nearly-empty lobby of a large skyscraper and walks to the security desk)

Coworker: Hello, I’m with -------- and was told to – (Swallows loudly) come in today.

Security Guard: (Checking the computer) Oh yeah, we’ve had a rush for that company this morning; you’re the second guest so far.

Coworker: …Wow.

Security Guard: Yeah, it’s been nuts – ID please.  (Coworker hands over a driver license and company badge) That’s good you still have this: I can reinstate your access, but it’s only valid for 30 days.

Coworker: That’s OK; one will do.

Security Guard: (Chuckles) I know, right?  Once they figure out how we can do remote security, I’ll be all over that, let me tell you.  (Hands back the items) All set: still on the 39^th floor, but half of it’s been closed off for a long time, so watch out for the ghosts, wooooo!  (Wiggles fingers spookily; Coworker stares in fear; Security Guard lowers hands) A lot of stuff up there’s falling apart from neglect, so just be careful.

Coworker: Oh–OK–thanks.  (Rushes to the elevator bank)

Security Guard: (Turns to see someone approaching from the main entrance) Another one?  This is the most excitement I’ve had in years.

(The elevator doors open to a bleak hallway with minimal lighting; Coworker trots quickly to the other end and uses the badge to open the office door.  The main section has a large open area where many desks clearly were removed, leaving their imprints on the carpet; a few remaining desks are bunched together in a far corner.  Coworker stares at the empty space that is poorly lit and full of dust as a tumbleweed rolls by)

Coworker: (Starts walking toward the desks) Helloooo?!  (In a small voice) And I was never seen again…. (Jumps as a phone on one of the desks rings, echoing throughout the open space, then looks around) Anyone gonna get that?  (The rings eventually stop) Guess not.

(A door creakily opens, showing a room filled with light and a silhouette in the center; Coworker spins around at the noise and faces the silhouette approaching)

Coworker: (Softly) Oh noooo….

(The silhouette resolves into a human figure)

Supervisor 1: Oh hey – here for the audit?

Coworker: …Yes.

Supervisor 1: Guess you didn’t get the e-mail either, huh?

Coworker: If it was sent this morning, I can’t check e-mail while I’m… commuting.  (Involuntarily shudders at the word)

Supervisor 1: (Sits at the desk that had the ringing phone) Heh, I’m sure that was a lot of fun – traffic as bad as it was when you last were here?  Probably worse, I bet.

Coworker: I’m trying to expunge the memory – are you telling me in an extremely roundabout way that the audit’s been cancelled?

Supervisor 1: Oh no, it’s still going on today.  They just figured that it didn’t need to be in-person after all, since, well – (Gestures at the cavern surrounding them) look at the place.

Coworker: (Flings away a passing cobweb) I have.

Supervisor 1: So, yeah: all the files they need to review are saved on the server anyway, and clearly nobody cares about the working conditions for the three of us saps still here, so like everything else, they’re doing it virtually.

Coworker: (Stares at Supervisor 1) So I could’ve stayed home this whole time?!

Supervisor 1: Yep.  Hope the company’s paying for your trip in.

Coworker: It’s not!

Supervisor 1: Yeah, me neither.  (Peers at a figure emerging from the office door) Oh hey – here for the audit?

Manager 2: Yeah.

Supervisor 1: Virtual now.

Manager 2: Blast.  (Turns to leave)

Supervisor 1: (Stands) Hey, wait – (Manager 2 turns back) you all can use the computers here for that, you know.

Manager 2: Oh.  Right; with the sudden upheaval, I forgot.

Supervisor 1: Yeah, I mean, this is an office, that’s what we do.  And since now a few of you are here…. (Walks to the other door and leans in) You recovered yet?

Manager 3: (Comes out of the room while holding an icepack to the head) Almost: the fumes and other drivers are lingering still.

Supervisor 1: (To the group) I’ll set you all up for a teleconference and you can do your thing at the desks here.  (Rubs hands together in glee) This is exciting: we haven’t had anybody besides us in years!  (Opens the door again and sticks head into the room) We have more company!

(Two others come out of the room)

Supervisor 2: (Claps hands and jumps up and down in joy) Colleagues!  Coworkers!  It’s been so long!  You want coffee?  I’ll get you coffee.  (Runs back into the room)

Supervisor 3: As you can see, it’s been ages since we’ve interacted with others besides ourselves here.

Coworker: (Sitting down at a desk prepped by Supervisor 1) It’s so odd – I figured whoever was left here was having the social interaction we’re supposed to need, but instead you seem so isolated while with all the meetings and phone calls I have at home, I don’t feel cut off from the world one bit.

Supervisor 1: (Stops prepping the other desks for Manager 2 and Manager 3 to sweep an arm taking in the barren office wasteland) As you can guess, the irony is not lost on any of us here.

Story 552: Off-Season Hot Chocolate

             (In an ice cream parlor at a beach town during the summer, the line snakes out the door and around the corner of the building late at night.  Behind the counter, Manager and three Employees field multiple orders at a time from large groups, with no breaks from the never-ending line)

Manager: (Smiling while handing over several cones and cups to a multi-generational party, who take the desserts and run) Here ya go!  (Immediately rings up the order from memory and addresses the group’s representative) That’ll be $40.87.

Customer 1: (Freezes while digging out a wallet) It wasn’t that high last year.

Manager: (Still smiling, briefly points to the giant sign on the wall behind the counter listing all the food, drinks, and prices) Well, prices are all posted, and as you know, this is a family-run business with all our specialty, hand-crafted tastes and treats made with the utmost care and love – and all that ain’t gettin’ any cheaper.  (Holds out a hand) $40.87, please.

Customer 1: (Counts out exact change) Here – next time I’m telling them all to order the smallest size.

Manager: (Dumps the cash into the register) You do you.  (As Customer 1 starts to turn away, Manager slides the tip jar over) Ah-ah-ah.

Customer 1: I thought you said this was family-run?  Don’t you get all the profit?

Manager: Me and behind-the-scenes are family – (Nods at Employees) That crew’s a bunch of doomed college students who’ll need all the help they can get.

Employee 1: (Freezes mid-scoop) Huh?

Manager: Like you don’t know – (Points to the ice cream carton) and make sure you don’t sweat in that thing like last night!  (Employee 1 ducks out of the case while finishing scooping as Manager cheerfully turns back to Customer 1) So?

Customer 1: (Tosses a dollar into the jar) Vacations ain’t getting’ any cheaper, either.  (Leaves)

Manager: (Mutters) I’ll bet.  (Loudly) Next!

Customer 2: (Approaches the counter) Hi, can I have a… (Squints up at the giant sign) Rootin’ Tootin’ Banana Split Fruitin’ Fudge Brownie –

Manager: Yeah, I really need to shorten that title; what size?

Customer 2: GRANDE.

Manager: Ohh-kaay, that’s a large.  (Briefly taps Employee 2’s shoulder as the latter is topping off a sundae) When you’re done with that order, go in the back and make up a large #4.

Employee 2: (Whines) Aw, Boss, do I have to?

Manager: (Stares balefully at Employee 2) Yes!  You’re the only one here besides me who can make it competently, and I am not leaving this counter unsupervised!  And it’s your job, so get moving.  (Turns back to Customer 2) That’ll be a few minutes – (Points to a nearby table) Would you mind waiting there until it’s done, please?  You can pay when it’s delivered to you.

Customer 2: With great anticipation.  (Spins around, glides over to the table, and slides onto the chair)

Manager: (Quietly) Oh my.  (To the rest of the room) Next!

Customer 3: (Steps up to the counter, very intense) Hello.

Manager: Hi!  How can I help you?

Customer 3: I would like a small hot chocolate, please.

(Everyone else in the ice cream parlor freezes; mouths drop open in shock and/or mid-bite, and ice cream falls off scoops and back into cartons, unchecked)

Manager: (Trying to maintain a smile) …Come again?

Customer 3: You heard me.

Manager: We… don’t serve hot chocolate here.

Customer 4: (On line by the front door) Yeah, `cause this is an ice cream parlor, ya weirdo!

Customer 3: (Ignoring the comment) I see that you serve coffee here, correct?

Manager: Yes, rarely –

Customer 3: Well then: use the same milk steamer that you would use for that, and pour some syrup or melt some fudge in it, and there you are.  Oh, and some of your homemade mini marshmallows to top it off would be most appreciated.

Manager: It’s… more of an… off-season menu item….

Customer 3: I fail to discern the issue here.

Customer 5: (In the middle of the line) That’s right: I see everyone else having hot coffee and hot tea all summer long, what’s the big deal?!  (Is shoved back toward the door by other Customers)

(Employee 2 slowly emerges from the back delicately carrying an extremely large platter laden with brownies, fruit, candy, and more toppings than ice cream)

Employee 2: All righty, who ordered the Rootin’ Tootin’ – ?

Manager: (Still locking eyes with Customer 3) NOT!  NOW!

Employee 2: (Immediately turns around and heads into the back) Okey dokey.

Manager: (Turns and points to Employee 3) You: turn on the steamer, grab five tablespoons of chocolate chips, and make a small hot chocolate topped with mini marshmallows.

Employee 3: (Panicking) But Boss, it’s the middle of summer, this just isn’t done!

Manager: That’s an order, Rising Sophomore!  (Employee 3 wails while turning on the steamer and scrambling to gather the chocolate chips)  Welcome to the real world, kiddo!  (Turns back to Customer 3 with a strained smile) Anything else?

Customer 3: No, that’ll be all for tonight, thank you.

Manager: (Types into the register) That’ll be $4.00… plus an extra 90 cents for the topping.

Customer 3: (Hands over $5.00) Keep the dime.  (Shoves a few dollars into the tip jar) For your trouble.

Manager: (Strained smile) Thank you.  It’s no trouble.

Employee 3: (Carefully walks over to Customer 3 and shakily hands over the hot chocolate, sniffling) One small hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows topping.

Customer 3: (Takes the cup) I thank you.  (Turns to leave)

Manager: DON’T – (Customer 3 turns back) you want to try it out?  Make sure it was made to your… satisfaction?

Customer 3: (Smiles bitterly) I trust the integrity of your family-run business and doomed college staff.  (Turns around slowly to address the waiting Customers) I will not be shamed further by your judgmental views of my dessert beverage of choice, just because it’s not the stereotypical season for it!  Or iced!  Or coffee!  Or tea!  Hypocrites!  (The other Customers lower their heads, chastened)  Besides – it’s too hot and I’ll burn my mouth if I drink it right now.  (Rushes through the parting crowd and out the door, cackling)

(A few moments of embarrassed silence, until – )

Customer 2: (Raises hand while sitting at the table) Excuse me?  Can I have my #4 now, please?

Manager: (Shakes self out of daze as Employees begin taking orders from Customers again) Oh yeah, sorry – it’s on the house.  (Yells at the back) #4, you’re up!

Employee 2: (Peeks head out) Is it safe to come out now?

Manager: Yes, before the whole thing melts!  Just bring it to Table 1!

Employee 2: (Slowly emerges from the back delicately carrying the platter again) Right: which one’s Table 1?

Manager: (Stares at Employee 2 in disbelief) The only table with a customer sitting at it!

Employee 2: Gotcha.  (Brings the large dessert to Customer 2 and sets it gently on the table) Here ya go!

Customer 2: Thanks ever so much.  (Employee 2 rushes back to the counter; Customer 2 takes a spoon that was stuck into the dessert and whispers to the giant mass of sugar) At last, you are mine.

Manager: (To the crowd) Next!

Customer 6: (Steps up to the counter) Wow, I bet when you started this business you never thought you’d have an order for hot chocolate in the summer, huh?

Manager: True, but I also never thought I’d be serving ice cream to dozens of people past midnight either, and yet, here we are.

Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 538: Trying to Call Out From Work on Mother’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Mother’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: So I’ve been told.

Manager: You’ve also been told that I already gave the day off to the mothers among us, and the rest of you either needed to have requested off three months ago and hope for the best or take another day off to make up for it if you wanted.

Employee: I do recall that.  However, I should make you aware at long last that I, too, am a mother.

Manager: Since when?!

Employee: It has been my private shame these past five years: the Baron refuses to acknowledge not only me, the one true love of his life, but also his 12 illegitimate children, whose presence, if revealed, would divide his estate into so many portions that even his so-called legal heirs would barely get a dime, and the horrendous scandal would tear his country apart.  The least I could get out of this stressful ordeal is one day with my offspring serving me breakfast in bed, don’t you think?

Manager: You’ve had 12 children in five years?

Employee: …There were a few sets of triplets in there.

Manager: You’re still working today.

Employee: OK-OK-fine; if that tragic tale doesn’t move your cold heart to tears, then I must tell you directly: I rescued a gaggle of orphaned goslings last night, and they imprinted on me.

Manager: Really.

Employee: I am now the matriarch of an interspecies family – how can you ask me to walk away from that enormous responsibility on today of all days?!

Manager: Well, I’m not asking.

Employee: Glad we agree.

Manager: I’m telling you directly: if you don’t come into work today, you’ll have all the time you like to mother your feathered children because you won’t be spending it here.

Employee: (Sighs) You leave me no choice, then.

Manager: Here it comes.

Employee: I swore never to reveal this to a single modern soul, but you have pushed me to the brink: my true name is… Eve.

Manager: OK…?

Employee: As in, the Mother of All Humanity.

Manager: Oh, for crying out –

Employee: Peace, my child: I have long since forgiven you and your brethren’s slanderous lies that I am solely responsible for getting us kicked out of Paradise – I seem to recall your Father going along with the fun until we got caught, which is retroactively typical.

Manager: Whatever: you still have an eight-hour shift coming up in 20 minutes.

Employee: All right!  The truth is, I’d promised my mom that I’d request off Mother’s Day this year but then I lost track of time and when I finally remembered it was a week away and I ran out of people who could switch days with me and now she’s gonna give me the disappointed look for the rest of my life!

Manager: Now why didn’t you just lead with that?  I still can’t switch days for you but I know at least one person doesn’t want to work tonight anymore, so if you take their closing shift and they work your mid-shift then you’ll at least get to do brunch or something with your mom today.

Employee: Yes!  That’d be perfect – you’re a lifesaver, thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  I gotta make a few phone calls now to set this up, so I’ll see you at 5, OK?

Employee: That’d be swell!  You’re a great “mom” to all of us here, you know that?

Manager: Certainly feels like it.

Story 524: Puzzle Revenge

            (In an office conference room, Employee 1 concludes a slide presentation)

Employee 1: And so, if we follow this plan exactly as-is with absolutely no margin for error, by next quarter we will have transformed seamlessly from a trillion-dollar company into a quadrillion-dollar company!  And then, it’s only a matter of time until we hit the quintillion-dollar category, but why dream small?!  (Closes down the presenting screen and bows slightly) I thank you for your time and attention.

(Manager and five of the attendees stare in shock for several moments, then simultaneously stand and burst into applause with a few approving whistles thrown in for good measure)

Manager: (Still clapping, with tears streaming) That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life!

Employee 1: (Ducks head bashfully) Aw shucks; thank you.

Manager: (Approaches Employee 1 to pat the latter on the shoulder) I can see now that you’re really going places, kid – keep up the good work!

Employee 1: Thanks!  I sure will!  (Starts cleaning up notes as Manager and the five attendees leave the conference room)

Attendee 1: (Voice in the hall) We’re gonna be rich!

Attendee 2: (Voice in the hall) – er!

Attendee 1: (Cackles) Rich – er!

(The multiple cackling fades away as Employee 1 smiles to self, then suddenly looks up as a slow clap begins at the far end of the conference table)

Employee 2: (To the sound of each clap) Well – well – well.  (Stops the clap to sit up straighter) Look who’s made it to –

Employee 1: (Had started speaking at the same time) Oh, you’re still here?

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: Sorry; go ahead.

Employee 2. Well, now my timing’s all thrown off and I forgot what I was going to lead with.

Employee 1: You started at “Well – well – well”; does that help?

Employee 2: Ah!  Yes, thank you.  (Leans back in the chair, steeples fingers, smirks smugly, and clears throat) Well – well – well.  Look who’s made it to the big time.

Employee 1: Oh, yes indeed – I thought the presentation went well, don’t you?

Employee 2: (Drops the hands and the smirk) That entire presentation was MINE!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Oh right, it was.  Great job; it really conveyed the information clearly.

Employee 2: Why, thank you – thief!

Employee 1: Huh?

Employee 2: I created that presentation, not you!

Employee 1: We established that, yes?

Employee 2: So you copied the files from the shared drive and just now passed off all my hard work as your own!

Employee 1: Yes?

Employee 2: …So that’s stealing and wrong!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few more seconds, shrugs, finishes collecting the papers and the laptop, and begins to leave) If you say so.

Employee 2: (Leaps out of the chair to dart into Employee 1’s path) Anyone would say so!  I know I can’t prove it to your new fan club out there, but don’t worry – (Voice drops to a deadly whisper) I will have my revenge.

Employee 1: Sounds great; see you at the team-building event this afternoon, yeah?  (Walks around Employee 2 and exits the conference room, whistling)

Employee 2: (Turns to stare with narrowed eyes at the retreating figure) What a diabolical ditz….

THE NEXT MORNING

(Employee 1 is at home eating breakfast and hears a thud at the front door; opening it, a courier is seen running down the driveway to the parked truck and then driving off)

Employee1: (Shakes head) Just like “The Elves and the Shoemaker”.  (Looks down and sees a package that had been tossed against the front door, then brings it inside, opens it at the kitchen table, takes out a card that reads “To My Mortal Frenemy – May This Bring Many Hours of Non-Enjoyment, BWAHAHAHAHA (imagine a supervillain’s evil laughter with that last bit)!  Signed, You-Better-Know-Who”, and lays down the card to think) I wonder who that could be?  (Shrugs, then takes out another box from inside the package and sees that it is a small puzzle with 13 pieces; reads the photo-less cover) “Millions of possibilities – can you wrestle out the right one?”  Well, yes, this clearly is meant to be completed by an infant.  (Opens the box and quickly flips over the pieces) Aw, it’s a bunch of frolicking butterflies – easy-peasy.  (Within five minutes, assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

ONE WEEK LATER

(Employee 2 cheerfully raps on Employee 1’s front door; after several minutes of repeated rapping, Employee 1 opens the door appearing extremely haggard and wearing the same outfit as in the previous week)

Employee 1: (Voice creaky from disuse) Hello?

Employee 2: (Barely containing glee) Since you clearly haven’t checked your messages, I volunteered to come and tell you that you’ve been fired for violating the company’s job abandonment policy – however, upper management loved “your” presentation so much they’re willing to take you back if you agree to make that project your sole priority in life for the next five years, minimum.  I also graciously volunteered to assist you with all that.  (Employee 1 stares blankly at Employee 2, who chokes down a laugh) On a related note, I assume you got my… present?

Employee 1: (Finally stirs) Oh, that was from you?  Yes, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to get these blasted butterflies to fit together – every time I think I’ve got the thing solved, a head suddenly doesn’t match a thorax, or a wing’s slightly off.

Employee 2: Dear me, that does sound like a pickle.

Employee 1: Would you like to check it out?  I don’t mine someone else taking all the glory at this point.

Employee 2: (Mutters) That’d be a first.

Employee 1: What was that?

Employee 2: I would be delighted.  (They both enter the kitchen and sit at opposite sides of the table; Employee 1 takes apart the puzzle and within five minutes Employee 2 assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

TWELVE HOURS LATER

Employee 2: Oh, wait –

Employee 1: (Awakens from a doze) You know, I just now understand the message you sent, that this – (Gestures at the puzzle) is meant to drive me bonkers as a sort of revenge for stealing your work.  (Nods thoughtfully) Most effective, I must say.

Employee 2: (Blearily looks up at Employee 1) Yes: it seems in my quest for vengeance, I have become a monster.  Didn’t see that coming.

Employee 1: Hm.... Have another go?

Employee 2: (Takes apart the puzzle) Of course.

Story 497: First Day of Summer (for Adults)

 (In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reviewing a large pile of paper with a red pencil; stops drawing strikethroughs and slowly looks up to stare into the middle distance) This really is all pointless….

Employee: (Startles Manager out of reverie by popping around the open door and giving it a cursory knock) Hey-Boss-you-got-a-minute?

Manager: (Shoves papers aside and gestures to a chair in front of the desk) Of course, have a seat – and you know you don’t need to call me “Boss,” right?

Employee: (Sits quickly) Yeah-yeah, sure-sure – listen, I was wondering if I could have the rest of the day off today, hm?

Manager: Why, are you feeling sick?

Employee: Of this place, yes.

Manager: Don’t… tell me that.

Employee: Sorry, it’s just that – you know what today is?

Manager: Wednesday.

Employee: Deeper than that.

Manager: …Burger Day in the cafeteria?

Employee: No, not – ooh, I should order one next time – no, I mean today’s the day.  (Manager stares blankly) The First Day of Summer.

Manager: Oh.  Right.  Great.  (They stare at each other some more)  So what?

Employee: Sooo, this used to be one of the top days of the year when I was a kid, and now it’s nothing!

Manager: No it isn’t; it’s Burger Day.

Employee: Deliciously flavored cow parts, vegetables, and bread are poor substitutes for the utter bliss that The First Day of Summer formerly entailed, and I would like to spend the rest of it this year reclaiming that joy, please.

Manager: All right, you’ve got my interest: how so?

Employee: You know!  Riding bikes throughout the countryside!  Swimming in all the pools!  Shooting hoops until midnight!  Running down the middle of an empty residential street screaming at the top of our lungs that SCHOOL!  IS!  OUT!!!!

Manager: Wow.  What an obnoxious child you must have been.

Employee: Probably, but who cared back then?!  I didn’t!

Manager: Clearly.  So, what, you want to leave here and make a public nuisance of yourself to celebrate your so-called freedom from a school you no longer have to attend, is that it?

Employee: Pretty much, yeah.

Manager: Whelp, we’ve got nothing urgent scheduled for the rest of the day, so go ahead and knock off three hours of vacation you’ll never get back this fiscal year.

Employee: (Quietly fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you!

Manager: (Briefly checks cell phone) I’m almost tempted to say “Take me with you,” but you realize the downpour that started last night hasn’t stopped for a moment and isn’t predicted to until at least next month, yes?

Employee: (Stands) No matter – the spirit of eternal youth will endure in the face of all obstacles.  Farewell!  (Skips out the door humming the tune of “No more pencils/ No more books”)

Manager: (Stares down at the red pencil and pile of papers) I must be doing something wrong with my life.

(Outside the office building, Employee bursts through the main doors and stops to breathe in the fresh air)

Employee: Aaaaaaahhhhh…. Freedom from time.  (Skips past the overhang and is immediately drenched but never falters)

(At a recreation center, Receptionist looks up from a textbook as Employee, now dressed in a bathing suit and carrying a soaking wet towel, saunters into the lobby)

Employee: Hello there – I would like to utilize the ginormous public pool on this First Day of Summer, please.

Receptionist: Pool’s 50° Fahrenheit right now and it’s continuously overflowing with the pouring rain out there.

Employee: And your point is?

Receptionist: City didn’t want to pay a lifeguard when there’s an outdoor shower going on.

Employee: Very well, then: onward to bigger and better!  (Saunters out)

Receptionist: (Shakes head and returns to homework) Kids these days.

(On a residential street, a car backing down a driveway suddenly slams on the brakes as Employee, still wearing the bathing suit, splashes by on a bicycle)

Employee: Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!

Driver: (Opens the window and leans out to yell) Nuts – ! (Is drenched and sputters) Aw, nuts!

Employee: (Continuing down the street; pops a wheelie) I’m flyin’, I’m flyin’, I’m – (Skids into a puddle) oops.  (Struggles to right the bike) All right, then – no hands!   (Releases the handlebar, balances for two seconds, and nosedives into a hedgerow.  After landing, Employee sits up while spitting out leaves) Totally worth it.

(At an outdoor basketball court, passersby carrying umbrellas briefly slow down to stare at Employee, now wearing a T-shirt and shorts, playing a one-person game of HORSE)

Employee: (Spins around several times and tries for a three-point shot; the ball bounces off the rim) Aaaaand nothing but net!  They could go all the way to the championship this year, folks!  (Retrieves the ball, does some fancy dribbles, and shoots again; the ball sails over the backboard and bounces off the fence) Yes!  They win the pennant for the 50^th season in a row!  (Stands with hands on hips in satisfaction as the rain cascades all around) I could go for some ice cream right about now.

 THE NEXT MORNING

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reading aloud while typing a report) “And so, in conclusion, the point is, at the end of all things” – (Stops typing) Why I am saying the same thing over and over?

Employee: (Bursts into the room with a cursory knock again; Manager jumps slightly in chair) Hey-hey-hey, Boss!  Mind if I come in?

Manager: (Still recovering from the jump-scare) Yeah, sure, have a seat.  (Employee slides into the same chair as on the previous day) I’m surprised with your hours in the rain you don’t have all the colds for the year.

Employee: Heh-heh, that’s a myth – I feel great!

Manager: Great.  So, did you enjoy your summer vacation on the company’s dime?

Employee: (With a serene smile) Well, it was only a third of a day celebrating The First Day of Summer, but yes, yes I did.  Eternal Youth in Eternal Summer lives on for another day.

Manager: Fantastic: we have back-to-back meetings with Corporate for the rest of the week and I don’t think they’re happy with our performance this quarter so it’s very likely there’ll be no raises again this year.

Employee: (Serene smile freezes) …I’ll be on the boardwalk if you need me.