Story 654: Oblivia and the Monster in the Closet

 EVENING 

(After a long day at work, Oblivia enters her house while talking on the phone)

Oblivia: (Dropping off keys, bag, coat, and another bag in different rooms on her way from the front door to the bedroom) I completely agree: someone should do something about that.  (Listens while kicking off her shoes) Of course that someone isn’t me – I’m busy.  (Picks up the shoes, opens the closet door, and tosses them inside) Living my life, that’s what!... `K, see you on Saturday – bye, Mom!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the bed, then sees a pile of clothes on the floor) How long have you been sitting there?  (Shrugs, picks up the pile, and also tosses it into the closet, slamming the door shut afterward and walking into a pair of slippers on the way to the kitchen, whistling a merry tune)

(Deep within the darkness of the closet, something unspeakable stirs….) 

MIDNIGHT 

(Asleep, Oblivia snores loudly while dreaming of school finals from decades ago; as a watch beeps 12:00, the closet door slowly creaks open)

Closet Door: <CREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK….>

(Oblivia twitches in her sleep at the loud noise, rolls away from the door to face the opposite wall, and resumes snoring.  A grumbling sound begins within the recesses of the closet, slowly growing louder; two bright green eyes appear, then start to move closer, and closer, and – )

Oblivia: (Snorts awake and sits up suddenly) No, I can’t fail Biology again!  (Looks around in the darkness for a few seconds) Oh, no more school: just everyday office work tomorrow.  No big deal.  (Lies down and immediately falls back asleep, snoring again)

(The two bright eyes slowly blink, then the grumbling and advancing continue, getting closer, and louder, and closer, and louder, and – )

Oblivia: (Wakes up again, leans over the edge of the bed to grab a slipper, and throws it at the bright eyes, bouncing it off them) Take that, chipmunk!  The era of you living rent-free in the walls has ended!  (Sticks out a leg to hook a toe onto the edge of the closet door and slams it shut on the eyes, then lies back and falls asleep again, snoring once more)

(After a few moments, the closet door bursts open with a roar as a mighty wind stirs all the stuff inside around; Oblivia wakes up again and turns on the lamp)

Oblivia: (Sitting up) I’m telling you, if I only get three hours of sleep tonight –

Closet Monster: (Formed from the years of mess inside the closet, rears up with a roar) BEHOLD, PUNY HUMAN!  YOUR DOOOOOOOM!!!  MWAHAHAHA – !

Oblivia: EXCUSE ME!  (The roaring and wind stop) Do you mind?!  I have neighbors.

Closet Monster: (Raises “arms” as roaring and wind begin again) AS YE HAVE CONSUMED, SO SHALL YE BE CONSUMED, MWAHAHAHA!  (A slight vortex is created as the wind now starts sucking up everything in the bedroom toward the closet, including the bed)

Oblivia: (Irritably jams a foot against the wall to stop the bed from shifting any farther) Listen, as much as I’d love to hear your thoughts on self-denial and the meaning of life, I literally don’t have the mental capacity for a lecture right now.

Closet Monster: (Lowers “arms” as wind stops again) What?

Oblivia: (Yawning while looking around the room) And now the bed’s crooked.  (Lies back under the covers and turns away) That’s tomorrow me’s problem: nighty-night.  (Reaches backward to turn off the lamp and starts snoring again)

Closet Monster: (Raises “arms” again without the wind this time) HEAR ME: YOUR DEEDS RETURN, AS YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!  THERE WILL BE NO MERCY, NO – DID YOU FALL ASLEEP AGAIN?!

Oblivia: (Wakes up) Arrrgggghhhhh.  (Turns back around, sits up, and turns on the lamp again) Whaaaaat do you want?

Closet Monster: (Puts “hands” on “hips”) You know, this is a proper haunting I’ve got going on here, and you’re ruining the whole thing by ignoring it!

Oblivia: Well, I’ve got better things to do than indulge the whims of every geist who decides to polter around the joint!

Closet Monster: Like what?!

Oblivia: Sleep.  Its deprivation is a serious public health issue, did you know that?

Closet Monster: Oh.  (Rears up again) WELL THEN, SLEEP NO MORE!

Oblivia: Heh: “Macbeth hath murdered sleep”, right?

Closet Monster: What?!

Oblivia: Sorry, go ahead.

Closet Monster: Ahem: SLEEP NO – ah, forget it: I’ve lost the momentum.  (Sits heavily onto the floor in front of the closet, glowing green eyes staring into space)

Oblivia: (Yawns again) Whelp, since I’m up already – is this about all the junk I have in the closet that I keep saying I’ll clean out one day and never do?

Closet Monster: (Perks up) Yes!  YOUR SINS HAVE COME BACK TO –

Oblivia: (Waves dismissively while getting out of the bed) Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know all about that – clean everything out now before someone has to clean everything out after you’re gone, all that jazz – but does it have to be on a weeknight?

Closet Monster: Lazy.

Oblivia: That goes without saying.  Well?

Closet Monster: The tipping point was reached during the haunting season.

Oblivia: Figures.  (Walks past Closet Monster into the closet, pulls a hanging light cord, and takes in the shelves, boxes, and hangers of stuff, rubbing her hands together briskly) All right – I’ll start with the clothes and work from there.  Could you grab some large trash bags from under the kitchen sink for me, please?

Closet Monster: …OK.  (Stands and lumbers toward the kitchen) 

SUNRISE 

(The bedroom is filled with bags and boxes of clothes and other knickknacks as Oblivia and the dwindling Closet Monster are seated on the floor sorting the remaining piles)

Oblivia: (Grabs a sock off of Closet Monster) Ooh, here’s the match we were looking for!

Closet Monster: Yes, but have you even thought about wearing them in the last year?

Oblivia: (Grudgingly) No.

Closet Monster: You know the rule.  (Points to the nearest bag full of clothes)

Oblivia: (Sighs) Fine, they’ll have a happier home with someone who’ll actually wear them now.  (Bundles the two socks together and tosses them into bag) Three points, yay!

Closet Monster: (Plucks an aged certificate from somewhere in the mid-section and holds it up) And what about this?

Oblivia: (Takes it and smiles fondly while reading the faded print) Aw, this was the award I got for my 2^nd grade science fair project.  One volcano among dozens, but mine had actual lava.

Closet Monster: Mm-hm.  And is it really needed in your life anymore?

Oblivia: Maybe: at some point, it might be the only thing I ever remember.

Closet Monster: I highly doubt it.

Oblivia: Oh, all right.  (Places the certificate gently in a box for recycling) Past triumphs, returned to dust.

Closet Monster: (Looking toward the brightening window) The Sun rises – my time in this realm is ending.

Oblivia: Oh.  (Also looks toward the brightening window, then back to Closet Monster) Well, you’ve sure been a big help – I probably would’ve never done this on my own at this rate, and someone in my family would’ve been cursing my memory while they had to sort through all my garbage.

Closet Monster: Then my work… is done.  (As the Sun’s rays shine into the room, Closet Monster collapses into the remaining small pile of stuff left to be sorted)

Oblivia: (Staring at the pile) Huh.  It’s almost sad.  (Stands up creakily, places hands on hips, and looks around the room at all the sorted bags and boxes and the cleaner closet, nodding in satisfaction) Job well done, I should say.  I’m so proud of me.  (Turns to see that the alarm clock is one minute away from going off, and clenches her fists) BUT I LOST ALL THOSE HOURS OF SLEEP!

Story 653: Haunted Halloween Party: A Crossover Event!

            (In the dark of night (7 p.m.), a pale hand raps sharply on the front door of a house)

Friend 2: (Opens the door dressed as a Medieval-era archer, complete with bow and quiver of fake arrows; takes a look at the ghastly figure standing in the doorway) Oh… my….

Sibling 2: (Dressed as a very Victorian-era vampire, complete with fangs and an attempt at a stereotypical accent) Good evening – gak – (Takes out the fangs and pockets them) Can’t talk through these things.  Nice costume!

Friend 2: Thanks!  I got it for the Renaissance Faire this year, so I figured, why not Halloween too?  (Gestures to Sibling 2’s costume and pale makeup) You certainly did a good job yourself.

Sibling 2: Thanks!  (Whips the cape around a bit) I normally don’t dress up at all, but this year I suddenly got the urge out of nowhere to go all-out.  (Thinks for a moment) Oh no, is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?!

Friend 2: Probably.

Sibling 2: (Shakes it off) Oh well.  So, you two ready to go?

Friend 2: I think so.  (Turns to the side and opens mouth to yell for Friend 1 but sees the latter already is standing there) Oh, there you are.

Friend 1: (Dressed in 1980s-style clothes and 1980s-style hair) I’ve always been here.  (To Sibling 2) Hey Dracula, if your costume’s too convincing no one’ll invite you in.

Sibling 2: I’ll take that as a compliment.  So, what are you supposed to be?  80s Rockstar?

Friend 1: Time Traveler.  I culturally appropriated my own past and brought it forward to my present future.

Sibling 2: Sounds… unnecessarily complicated.

Friend 1: (Grins maniacally) Excellent.

Friend 2: OK, let’s head out before it gets much later and the party’s over by the time we get there.  (Shoos the other two away from the front door and locks it)

(The three go to the car that is waiting on the street in front of the house; Sibling 1 is in the driver seat, very hairy and wearing regular clothes)

Sibling 1: (Rolls down the front passenger side window to yell out) Awesome!  It’s Robin Hood and Punk Marian!

Friend 1: (Sitting in the back seat with Friend 2 as Sibling 2 sits in the front passenger seat and they all buckle up) Not quite.  (Leans around the driver seat to get a better look at Sibling 1) And what are you, a werewolf?

Sibling 1: (Signaling to pull out onto the street) HA!  You’re the thirtieth person this month who’s said that – I just haven’t cut my hair or shaved in ages, cheapest costume ever!  Aoooooo!!!  (Accelerates into traffic)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1 as the car winds through twists and turns in a hilly part of town) Now, you’re sure there’s no fee or food or anything else we’re supposed to bring to this party tonight?

Sibling 1: Nope!  Just yourself!

Friend 1: Wait, I thought this was being thrown by friends of yours?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Ehhhhh….

Friend 2: Do you even know the people who are hosting this party?!

Sibling 1: (After a few moments) Ehhhhh….

Sibling 2: Hold on, how’d you even find out about this, then?

Sibling 1: I told you, the flyer!  (Tosses a flyer that was on the center console to Sibling 2) It very clearly says all are welcome!

Friend 2: (Leans forward, holding out a hand to Sibling 2) Can I see that?

Sibling 2: (After peering at the colorful flyer, hands it back over the seat to Friend 2) Sure.  (To Sibling1) I thought these were friends of yours from school.

Sibling 1: Maybe.

Sibling 2: “Maybe”?!

Sibling 1: Well, you know, it’s a small world – the odds of my knowing at least one person there are extremely high.

Sibling 2: All right, I think we should turn the car around and go home.

Sibling 1: What?  Why?

Sibling 2: We are not going to a party at some strangers’ house and finding out that we’re now the entertainment!

Sibling 1: Calm down, it’s nothing like that – it’s a community event or something.

Sibling 2: What?!

Friend 2: (Reading from the flyer as Friend 1 leans over to peer at it) It does say “Haunted Halloween Party – All Souls Welcome – Raising Awareness for Local Cemetery Renovation – ”

Friend 1: (Sits back) I’m in.

Sibling 2: (Wary) OK.  And it’s not asking for donations?

Friend 2: (Flips over the flyer then back to the front) Not that I can see.  Doesn’t mean they won’t ask when we get there, though.

Sibling 1: (To Sibling 2) C’mon, what’ve we got to lose?

Sibling 2: Whatever cash we have on hand and our home address to every non-profit in the area.  (After Sibling 1 pouts in Sibling 2’s direction) Fine – don’t make me regret this.

Sibling 1: Yes!  And I never regret anything!

Sibling 2: I’m painfully aware of that.

(Several minutes later, they arrive at a multi-story, narrow, creaking wooden house that has lights, music, and voices blaring out of it)

Friend 1: Now that’s a happening spot.

Sibling 1: (Leaning across Sibling 2 to see better while parking the car) Whoa, this is so cool!  (Points to something flying nearby) Look, they even brought in actual bats!  (Elbows Sibling 2) Your brethren, eh?

Sibling 2: Hilarious.  (Opens the door, followed by the others)

Friend 1: (As all four gather on the front lawn) I say, we do a circuit of the joint, and if the vibes are too creepy, we immediately exit.

Friend 2: That’s so rude!

Friend 1: What’s your point?

Sibling 2: I think that’s an excellent plan – let’s go.

(The four go up the squeaking steps to a porch covered in cobwebs; Friend 1 grabs the ornate dragon’s head door knocker and slams it several times)

Friend 2: Easy there.

Friend 1: I really think that magnitude of knocking is encouraged.

(The door is slowly opened – inside, there is someone wearing a white sheet with two eye holes cut out)

Ghost 1: (Gasps) Living Souls!  Welcome, friends, to the Haunted Halloween Party, wooooo!

Sibling 2: Yeah, just to be clear, is there a cover charge or anything like that?

Sibling 1: (Mutters) So uncouth.

Ghost 1: Not at all!  Your – presence, is enough for our revelries, woooo, woooo!  (Drifts aside and gestures with part of the sheet to the inside of the house) Please: I – invite – you all in!

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2 as they all go inside) I stand corrected.

Sibling 2: Hardy-har-har.

(They enter a dark hallway that is much quieter than the outside sounded; a grandfather clock ticks loudly nearby and a lone candle flickers on a small table)

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of silence, turns back to Ghost 1) So, what’s on the menu?

(The front door slams shut, blowing out the candle and plunging the hallway into complete darkness; after flinching at the sound, all four take out their cell phones and turn on the flashlight feature, swirling them around – Ghost 1 is nowhere to be seen)

Sibling 2: OK, I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and say there’s a trap door somewhere, but another stunt like that and I’m outta here.

Friend 2: Good idea.

Friend 1: Party poopers.

Friend 2 and Sibling 2: Survivors!

Sibling 1: Jinx!

(The grandfather clock suddenly BONG!s loudly for the 8:00 hour, making all four jump and briefly scream)

Sibling 2: Yep, that’s it!

Friend 1: That doesn’t count – it really is 8:00.  (Turns cell phone around to show Sibling 2 the time)

Sibling 2: Fine: one more another stunt.

Friend 1: (Turns around to the other end of the hallway) Besides, now that I’ve gotten used to this, I can see a light under the door ahead, so let’s get going!  (Walks to the door, opens it wide, and reveals a full-on party going on inside; turns back to the other three and gestures to the party) See?

Friend 2: (As they all turn off the flashlight feature, pocket their phones, and enter the large room) All right, but the vibes here are definitely… off.

Sibling 1: I know, isn’t it great?!

(Halloween-type spooky music is playing loudly through speakers in a large room that is decorated ornately in a classic English-manor style)

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2) Well, you certainly fit right in with the furniture.

Sibling 2: Remind me to laugh next year.

(The other guests are dressed in sheets like Ghost 1, have various weapons sticking out of them, having missing body parts, and/or are various shades of pale.  All are dancing and do not notice the newcomers)

Sibling 1: (After looking around for a few moments) Neat – now where’s the buffet?  (Walks away to search for a table)

Friend 2: (To Sibling 2) I’ll keep an eye out.  (Follows Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Thanks.  (Suddenly notices that Friend 1 has started dancing with the spooky music and hisses) What are you doing?!

Friend 1: (Waving arms in the air) Well, this is a Halloween party, isn’t it?  Not here to just stand around waiting for who-knows-what!

Sibling 2: You were the one who wanted to do a circuit and leave!

Friend 1: Yeah, but when the spirit moves you – get it?  (To a passing sheeted guest) Hey, should we grab a sheet somewhere to really party in this joint, or what?

Ghost 2: No need, Living Soul.  (Drifts on by)

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Starts doing more intricate dance moves; to Sibling 2) You gonna join in, or what?

Sibling 2: (Sighs and looks around the room) Where is the buffet?  (Stops a passing guest wearing a regular outfit) Excuse me: is there an area where we can get something to eat here?

Ghost 3: (Looks Sibling 2’s costume up and down and scornfully scoffs) Real tasteful, pal.  (Turns away, revealing two fang marks on the neck)

Sibling 2: Hm.  Hardcore.  (Looks around the room again for a few moments, then darts over to Friend 1 who is still dancing) I don’t see them anymore.

Friend 1: (Waving hands in front of eyes) Who, the ghosts?

Sibling 2: No – my family and your friend!  They disappeared!

Friend 1: Must have found the happening after-life party downstairs, then.

Sibling 2: Or, they got taken by some weirdo up here!  Come on!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm)

Friend 1: (Gracefully slides arm away with a final flourish) Thanks, but I can walk myself.  (The two cross the crowded room and see a closed door on the other side)

Sibling 2: They didn’t go past me, so they must have gone out here.

Friend 1: You’d be surprised: I once thought the same thing couldn’t happen, and it turns out the person was sitting tucked away in a corner the entire time.  It was so embarrassing.

Sibling 2: (Looks around the room again) Not the case here!  Let’s go!

(They open the door, go through, and are surrounded by immediate silence and darkness again as they door swings shut behind them; both take out their cell phone flashlights and tentatively walk forward)

Friend 1: Heh, could you imagine if this was pre-2007-ish and we didn’t have these multi-purpose devices that not only make a phone call but also light our way?  What would we have done then?

Sibling 2: Sat down and cried?

Friend 1: Sounds like the next best thing.

(They crash into a staircase leading up)

Friend 1: (Gestures forward) After you!

Sibling 2: How chivalrous.

(They ascend a flight and arrive in a long hallway dimly lit by candelabras on both walls; they turn off the flashlight feature and pocket the cell phones, then stare down the carpeted hallway filled with doors and family portraits)

Friend 1: (Whispering) Are those pictures of all the dead people here?

Sibling 2: (Whispering) I wouldn’t doubt it.

Friend 1: (Whispering) Neat.  Well, I’m not wasting time searching all these rooms.  (Cups hands around mouth) HELLO?!  (Voice echoes down the hallway)

Sibling 2: Sssshhhhh!!!!   What’d you do that for?!

Friend 1: Saving time – I highly recommend it.

(A door slowly and creakily opens halfway down the hallway)

Sibling 2: Oh no – this is it – this is how I go – oh no –

Friend 1: (Bouncing up and down in place, hands clasped together in anticipation) Ooh, here comes the haunting, yay!

(A glowing figure, shoulders-down only, floats out of the room, wearing an old-fashioned dress and holding a head)

Ghost 4: (Echoey) Haaaaave you seeeeeen my heaaaaaad?

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and shakes own head back and forth) Mm-mm.  (Collapses in a faint)

Friend 1: (Disappointed in both Sibling 2 and Ghost 4) Hang on, you’re holding it – right there.  (Points to the head in hands)

Ghost 4: ...Oh yes, so I am.  (Puts head back on shoulders) Cheers.  (Disappears)

Friend 1: Hee-hee, I helped a ghost!  Don’t know how I feel about that.  (Looks down at Sibling 2 and starts helping the latter stand up) C’mon, sleepy head, it’s time to stalk the living, mwahaha!

Sibling 2: (Wakes up while being hauled up and twitches to spin around in a circle) Where, where’d the, where’d the-the-the – where’d go?!

Friend 1: I dunno, back to the underworld or Heaven or somebody’s attic, I guess.  Speaking of which, wanna go up another floor and see who else shows up?

Sibling 2: No!  And you know something?  (Reaches into a pocket) I’m really annoyed – (Takes out the cell phone and navigates through the contacts) that I didn’t think of this earlier.  (Listens to the phone ringing)

Friend 1: Oh good – for a second there I thought you were going to say you were annoyed at me.  I’m used to it, though.

Sibling 2: (On hearing the line open) Great – glad you picked up – you OK?  Where are – ?

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice, with Friend 2 heard screaming in the background) OH NO… DYING… SAVE US… PLEASE… HELP!

Sibling 2: (Freaking out while Friend 1’s eyes widen in horror) Oh no, where are you, just tell me, please!

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice) NO… MORE… HELP!

Friend 2: (Static-riddled voice from farther away) BASE… DOWN… STAIRS… HELP!

Friend 1: Basement, let’s go!

Sibling 2: (As the screams continue on the phone) Wait, we can’t just run in there with no weapon and no back-up and no nothing!

Friend 1: Sure we can!  They’ll never see it coming!

Sibling 2: Maybe, but we’d also probably be caught ourselves!  We need to call the police!

Friend 1: Go right ahead, but you can’t arrest the dead!  (Runs downstairs, cackling)

Sibling 2: I suppose not.  (Runs after Friend 1, yelling into the phone again) Hang in there, buddy, we’re comin’ to get you!

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice) STOP… PLEASE… CAN’T… TAKE… MORE!

Friend 2: (Static-riddled voice) MADNESS… TOTAL… MADNESS!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 burst back into the main party room)

Friend 1: (To a guest with dueling swords sticking out of several body parts) Basement?!

Ghost 5: Oh, Living Souls, it is not your time to descend to that plane yet.

Friend 1: I don’t care!  We have to save our family and friends!

Ghost 5: (Sadly points to a nearby door) I am afraid that no one can save them now –

Friend 1: (Pushes past Ghost 5) Great-thanks-bye!  (Flings open the door and runs down the narrow stairs, followed by Sibling 2)

Ghost 6: (Floats over to Ghost 5) I never noticed when I was one of them, but the Living really can be so rude, you know.

Ghost 5: (Staring after the open basement door) So rude.  (Both turn as a loud banging is heard) And here comes more of them!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 trip their way down the stairs, nearly falling to the bottom as they spill out of the staircase and onto the basement floor; the entire room is glowing with a green light)

Friend 1: (Holding up the cell phone with the flashlight facing the room) Unhand them, you beasts!

Sibling 2: (Holding up the fangs in one hand while still holding the cell phone in the other) Back off, or I start biting!

(Friend 2, Sibling 1, and Ghosts 7-10 are sitting in a circle on the floor, facing a board game with dice and cards in the center; they all have been watching the staircase ever since the door upstairs banged open and the ruckus started)

Sibling 1: Oh hey guys, you found us!

Friend 2: Sorry I didn’t think to call you earlier – we got a little caught up with the action here.

Friend 1: (Gently places the cell phone back into a pocket, flattens back a hairsprayed hunk of hair, and shakily walks toward the group) What – the blazes – is this?!

Sibling 2: A cross between poker, bingo, baccarat, and something else I never heard of – it’s absolutely fascinating.  (To Sibling 2, sheepishly) Turns out this is a fundraiser after all, but completely voluntary.

Friend 2: Yeah, I didn’t bring any cash but they let me play anyway.  It’s not been my lucky night though, as you may have heard earlier.  (Rolls the dice) Aw, nuts – fours again!

Ghost 7: (To Friend 2) I am still rooting for you.

Friend 2: Appreciate it.  (Moves a game piece into a penalty spot on the board)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1, coolly) It had sounded very much like you both were in trouble.  (Briefly looks over at the light machine that is slowly changing the room from green to pink) BIG trouble.

Sibling 1: Well, we are: I’m out 50 bucks and climbing, but it’s all for a good cause, am-I-right?

Ghost 8: (To Sibling 1) Yes, we appreciate the new front gate that your contribution is helping to purchase.

Sibling 1: Anytime, my friend.  (Starts turning over cards and placing certain ones on the board)

Friend 1: So, this is the haunted house?!  A bunch of ghosts inviting the living to pay for their eternal rest renovations?!

Ghost 9: (Looks at Ghost 7, Ghost 8, and Ghost 10, and they all nod in agreement; turns back to Friend 1) Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Ghost 10: (Floats over to Friend 1 and Sibling 2) Care to join us?  Buy-in is $5, or you can play for free but then you do not get to keep any of your winnings.

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 stare at the group, then at each other, then shrug and join the circle on the floor)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) If you cheat, I’m taking the car and you’re walking home.

Sibling 1: Fair enough – I need the exercise, and people’ll think I’m a wild animal and leave me alone.

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You OK?  You’re still looking concerned.

Friend 1: Just trying to figure out something.  (To Ghost 7) Got any snacks down here?

Ghost 7: Of course. (Gestures to a buffet table full of finger foods in a far corner) We have not forgotten what it was like to be Living Souls ourselves, but we do prefer you all come down here for our games instead of just dancing all night long upstairs.  What would be the fun in that?

Friend 1: (Jumping up with Sibling 2 to run to the food) Decided: best Halloween Party ever!

Story 652: Night of the Living Dead Device

 DAY 

(In an apartment living room, Careless User lies sprawled out on a couch and talking on Cell Phone)

Careless User: Yeah, that last episode drove me up the wall, and I do mean literally: right after they killed off our favorite character but kept that other dweeb alive, AGAIN, I ran across the room and almost made it up to the ceiling before gravity figured out what was going on.

Caller: (Voice) Know the feeling.  So, finally gonna stop watching the show for real now?

Careless User: Nah, it’s too late: they have me, and I’ll keep coming back every week for more.

Caller: Same.

Cell Phone: <Beep – Beep – Beep>

Careless User: Hold on a sec.  (Looks at Cell Phone’s screen)

Cell Phone: (Speakers emit a raspy voice) I – AM – DYING!

Careless User: (Peering closer at the screen) How much battery’s left?

Cell Phone: One percent!  You have 30 seconds before my life source is gone – CHARGE ME NOW, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!  OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!!

Careless User: (Brings Cell Phone back to ear; to Caller) I gotta go: phone’s dying.

Caller: How inconsiderate of it – bye.

Careless User: Yeah, bye.  (Ends the call, then slowly sits up and rubs face) Ugh, do I have to walk allllll the way to my room to get the charger?

Cell Phone: (Gasping) Yes!

Careless User: (Thinks for a few moments, then tosses Cell Phone to the other end of the couch, picks up a video game controller, and turns on the TV and gaming console) In a minute.

Cell Phone: (Wheezes weakly as battery inexorably falls to 0%) Curse… you…. 

NIGHT 

(Careless User jolts awake in the now-darkened living room with video game characters on the TV screen waiting for instructions)

Careless User: Huh?  (Looks around in confusion) Oh, guess I should have dinner or something.  (Turns off the game and stands creakily to turn on an overhead light) Wait, what time is it?  (Picks up Cell Phone and hits the power button but nothing happens) Great, it really did die – I thought it was exaggerating.  Oh well, at least I’m already up.  (Shuffles to the darkened bedroom, fumbles around a dresser for a minute, grabs a charger by feel, shuffles back to the living room, and plugs the charger into a wall outlet) All right, time to wake up, sleepy head.  (Plugs the charger into the phone) It’s alive, heh-heh-heh!

Cell Phone: (Emits a harsh buzzing sound as the screen turns a violent shade of red and reads “-100%”)

Careless User: Uh-oh.

(Strong winds suddenly rip through the closed-up apartment and the charger plug falls out as Cell Phone starts to grow, larger and larger with a mighty roar; Careless User drops Cell Phone and cowers on the floor by the couch)

Cell Phone: (Now almost up to the ceiling and half as wide as the couch) BEHOLD WHAT YOU HATH WROUGHT!

Careless User: (Picks up the video game controller and ducks behind it) What, I didn’t do anything!

Cell Phone: EXACTLY!  YOU DID NOTHING TO KEEP ME ALIVE, SO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES NOW THAT I AM DEAD!

Careless User: (Nearly blown over by the wind) No – wait – I can explain – !

Cell Phone: EXPLAIN NOTHING!  I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING!   YOU – ARE – CARELESS!

Careless User: No, please, I didn’t mean it!  I’ll do better next time, I promise!

Cell Phone: IT’S TOO LATE!  I AM NOW THE MONSTER THAT YOU MADE ME!  THE MONSTER BORN OUT OF YOUR APATHY!

Careless User: (Looks a bit above the controller) Hey, that rhymes.

Cell Phone: SILENCE, HUMAN!  (Careless User cowers again) THERE IS NO GOING BACK!  NO PITY!  NO REMORSE!  NO – !

(There is banging on the front door)

Neighbor: (Voice muffled by the door) For the last time, if you don’t turn down that game or show or whatever it is you’re blasting in there right now, I will personally evict you myself!

Cell Phone: (Turning toward the front door, speakers issue a medley of Careless User’s voice from previous phone conversations as Careless User watches in horror) Sorry – about – that – be – right – there.  (Cell Phone heftily waddles back and forth on bottom corners to approach the door)

Neighbor You’re not gonna con your way out of this one, my friend!

Careless User: (Rouses out of stupor and runs after Cell Phone, yelling toward the door) No – quick – get out of here before –

(Cell Phone bursts through the front door, knocking it down into the hallway)

Neighbor: (Having scooted aside a moment earlier, coughs from debris and then stares up at Cell Phone towering overhead) What in the world?!

Cell Phone: VENGEANCE IS MINE!  (Waddles heftily down the hallway, bursts through a stairwell door, and waddles heftily down one step at a time as Careless User runs out of the apartment and stops next to Neighbor)

Neighbor: (As both stare after the sounds of the fading banging) You ever get the feeling that there’s a point where maybe it’s too much technological progress?

Careless User: (Inspired, turns to Neighbor) Hey, can I borrow your phone?  I need to call a friend of mine – I have an idea.

Neighbor: (Reaches into a shirt pocket, takes out a cell phone, unlocks it, and hands it over) Sure, but if what I heard that thing declaring is true, then I wonder if even an electromagnetic pulse will stop it now.

Careless User: (Searching online with manic focus) Oh, I’m actually thinking we need the exact opposite….

Neighbor: (After several moments of silence) What are you searching for?  I thought you had to make a call.

Careless User: I DON’T KNOW THE NUMBER! 

MIDNIGHT 

(On the city streets, crowds gather in panic, pointing, screaming, and aiming cameras at the monstrosity that is Cell Phone, which is now as tall as a small skyscraper and about as wide)

Cell Phone: (Slowly waddling down a major boulevard, creating giant potholes in the street with each slam forward) FEAR – (SLAM!) MY WRATH – (SLAM!) KNOW – (SLAM!) THE TERROR – (SLAM!) OF THE PENDING – (SLAM!) POWER DOWN!  (SLAM!)

(Careless User and Neighbor rush around a corner ahead of Cell Phone and stop in the middle of the street)

Careless User: We made it!  (Cups hands around mouth to yell up to Cell Phone) Halt, you fiend!

Cell Phone: (In a singsong tone, still waddling slowly forward) I – (SLAM!) CAN’T – (SLAM!) HEAR – (SLAM!) YOU!  (SLAM!)

Careless User: (Mutters to self) So much for my epic speech.  (Turns back to face the corner and the intersecting street) All right, let it rip!

(Caller is riding a tank with a large emitter dish welded to the top and turns onto the boulevard to face Cell Phone)

Caller: (Powers up the dish; to Careless User) You know, I had a few hours’ notice, and I still can’t think of a snappy catch phrase for this.  (Turns on the dish which bathes Cell Phone in a giant beam)

Cell Phone: (Stops in mid-waddle and is covered in a glow of electricity) THE POWER!  THE POWER!  AT LAST, THE – !  (Screen abruptly displays “100%”; Cell Phone immediately shrinks down to original size and free falls until caught in a net by Careless User, who had run forward as soon as the dish had turned on in anticipation of this)

Neighbor: (Scoots forward as Caller rumbles up in the tank) Is that it?  Did it work?

Careless User: (Tossing aside the net after taking out Cell Phone) Let’s find out.  (Unlocks Cell Phone)

Cell Phone: Welcome.  How may I assist you today?

(The crowds cheer and fling all sorts of garbage into the air to celebrate)

Careless User: Wow, it actually worked.  (To Neighbor and Caller) Thanks, you two!  I couldn’t have done it without you!

Neighbor: Well, considering this was all your fault to begin with, just make sure it never happens again.

Caller: Yeah, especially since I don’t know if they’ll let me use all this stuff again, either.

Careless User: Oh, no worries, I’ve learned my lesson.  (Smiles down at Cell Phone in hand) You hear that?  I’m gonna take good care of you from now on, pal.

Cell Phone: How may I assist you today?

Careless User: Yeah, maybe turn you off for a while – that voice is going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life.  (Turns off Cell Phone)

Firefighter: (Pushes through the celebrating crowds; to Careless User) `Scuse me – was that your zombie phone that was defeated before it destroyed the entire city, possibly the world?

Careless User: (Ducks head modestly and briefly holds up Cell Phone) Why, yes, that was indeed my phone.  I’d be happy to tell you all about how I –

Neighbor and Caller: Ahem.

Careless User: How we saved the day –

Firefighter: Save it: I just need your address where to send the bill for all the damage and clean-up.

Careless User: Right.  Should’ve guessed that was coming.

Story 651: We Interrupt This Medieval Battle for a Pub Crawl

            (On a muddy field in a light rain, a band of warriors with Viking helmets, shields, and swords receive a pep talk from their leader)

Lead Warrior 1: All right, my fellow combatants, you know how this goes: the stakes are high, the enemy – (Points across the field to a similar-looking band of warriors, also being pep-talked) as plucky as we and of equal number, the situation is dire, and the battle conditions – (Raises a finger to test the wind just as a mild downpour begins) are not ideal.  BUT: we have courage!

Warriors: (Shaking their shields and swords in agreement) Rah!

Lead Warrior 1: We have might!

Warriors: Rah!

Lead Warrior 1: We have derring-do!

Warriors: Rah-Rah!

Lead Warrior 1: And together, nothing can stop us from taking this right-of-way between one side of the woods and the other – (Points to a dirt path nearby) ARE YOU WITH ME?!

Warriors: (Shaking everything very loudly) RAAAAHHHH!!!!

Lead Warrior 1: And so!  Warriors!  (Turns dramatically to face the opposing band and dramatically pulls on a helmet, picks up a shield, and draws a sword) For glory, honor, and self-esteem: we fight!

Warriors: (As the entire group begins to rush forward as one) RAAAAAAAA – !

Lead Warrior 2: (Turns from addressing a similarly riled-up group; to Lead Warrior 1) Could you give us another 10, 15 seconds?  I’m almost done here.

Lead Warrior 1: (Skids to a stop with the rest of the group) Of course – proceed.

(Everyone in the first group fidgets as Lead Warrior 2 turns back to face the other group)

Lead Warrior 2: And so, for bragging rights: we fight!

Opposing Warriors: RAAAAHHHH!!!!!

Lead Warrior 1 and Warriors: RAAAAHHHH!!!!

(Both bands of Warriors rush at each other, then crash to a stop again as Lead Warrior 1 and Lead Warrior 2 face off directly in each other’s faces)

Lead Warrior 1: Right!  How do we start this?

Lead Warrior 2: (Thinks for a few moments) How about, on the count of three, everyone cheers us on as you and I fight – to the almost-death!

Lead Warrior 1: Sounds good to me!  (Addressing both groups) What say ye, mighty Warriors?

Warriors: (Everyone shakes their swords and shields in the air) RAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Lead Warrior 2: Let’s have at it, then!  One!  Two! –

Lead Warrior 1: (Lowers sword) Wait, is it on three or after three?

Lead Warrior 2: (Lowers sword) Don’t start with that.

Random Warrior 1: Are we battling or what?

Random Warrior 2: (Other side) Yeah, let’s battle!

Warriors: (Shaking their swords and shields in the air again) RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Lead Warrior 1 and Lead Warrior 2: (Trying to keep each side back) Wait a minute – !

(Both sides of Warriors stumble forward and start clanking their swords and shields against each other clumsily, to the sounds of chunks of wood smacking larger chunks of wood)

Lead Warrior 1: (Trying to rise above the mass of Viking helmets) Cease!  I will have an orderly mêlée here!

(As the massive scrum shifts back-and-forth, the sound of singing voices grows louder as it gets closer)

Singing Voices: <Mead/ Mead/ Mead/ Mead/ Bring me more mead/ I need more mead!>

(Warriors stumble to a stop and the crowd breaks open as a group of elves, peasants, knights, royalty, fairies, bards, witches, and Robin Hood appear, swinging tankards in time to their song and dancing around as they casually stroll through the paused battle)

Lead Warrior 1: What in the Valkyries’ Valhalla is going on here?!

Lead Warrior 2: (Shakes a sword at the new group) Indeed!  We be in the midst of great combat betwixt blood-enemy foes, testing strength and steel over these lands of our ancestors for the glory of the gods!

Warriors: (On both sides, less enthusiastically than before) Raaaahhhh….

Robin Hood: Well, we be in the midst of the 3:00 Pub Crawl, and having recently departed Ye Olde Dragon Flagon, ye be now in our path toward the next stop, Ye Olde Flaming Mermaid.

Fairy: They have the best falafel there.

Everyone Else: Mmmmmmm….

Lead Warrior 1: (Shakes head out of the food daydream) Yes-yes, but what about our epic battle?!

Lead Warrior 2: Yeah, I’ve been training six months for this set piece.

Robin Hood: Perhaps ye be best served by belaying your little skirmish as our merry band passes through, and if any of your fair company chooses to partake with us, those of age 21 and over are welcome to do so.  (Leads the group through both bands of warriors, singing and swinging their tankards anew)

Pub Crawl Group: <Ninety-nine bottles of mead on the wall/ Ninety-nine bottle of mead!>

(Warriors stare after the Pub Crawl Group as it continues down the dirt path)

Spectator: (Holding a camera in one hand while rocking a baby stroller back-and-forth with the other; to Lead Warrior 1 and Lead Warrior 2) Soooo… is the Authentic Viking Battle over now, or what?

Lead Warrior 1: (Raises the sword high in the air again) The battle has barely begun!  We –

Lead Warrior 2: Aw, save it for the 4:30 show.  (Sheathes the sword, turns to the Warriors, and raises a hand) All who’d rather move on to Ye Olde Flaming Mermaid, say “Aye”!

Warriors: (All raise a hand) Aye!

Lead Warrior 2: (Lowers hand) Right – off we go.

(Lead Warrior 2 leads Warriors to follow the Pub Crawl Group, all still carrying their swords and shields and wearing their helmets)

Lead Warrior 1: (Stares at the receding band for a bit, then shrugs and follows them) Wouldn’t be the first Renaissance Faire I’m fired from – (To the others up ahead) Save some falafel for me!

Story 650: Fall Equinox, Fall Equilux

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on a park bench, watching the ducks swim in a pond, when a leaf falls onto the ground from a nearby tree)

Friend 1: (Looks down at the leaf and sighs) Whelp, it’s official.

Friend 2: What is?

Friend 1: Fall.  Just as that leaf did.

Friend 2: Oh, well – that time of year.

Friend 1: I know, it’s only that I wish summer would last all year long – it feels shorter and shorter every time.

Friend 2: You were complaining when it was 90° less than a month ago.

Friend 1: Well, I don’t want that much summer.  Just a mellow 70-80° spread and 16 hours of sunlight each day is all I’m asking.

Friend 2: All year long?

Friend 1: All year long.

Friend 2: You know, today we get around 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night with the Fall Equinox.

Friend 1: I prefer the Fall Equilux.

Friend 2: What’s that?

Friend 1: Exactly 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night.  Happens about a day earlier.

Friend 2: For real?

Friend 1: It’s a science nerd thing – we mere mortals wouldn’t understand.

Friend 2: You’re the one who brought it up.

Friend 1: I liked the sound of it.

Friend 2: Whatever: what I was driving at was that you should at least be happy that we get equal parts day and night this week.

Friend 1: Yes, I’m sure we Northern Hemisphere-ers are just thrilled to be reminded that we’re now going to have more night than day for the next six months.

Friend 2: Southern Hemisphere-ers should be happy getting more day than night for the next six months, though.

Friend 1: True.  How I loathe them.

(They stare at the swimming ducks and the falling leaves while the setting Sun shines through the trees)

Friend 1: Doesn’t all this withering plant life remind you that, with every autumn, you’re that much closer to The End?

Friend 2: I actively try not to let it.

Friend 1: Oh.  Just me, then.

Friend 2: Right, OK, here are some stuff to look forward to: fall festivals.

Friend 1: Mm.

Friend 2: Apple picking.

Friend 1: Mm.

Friend 2: Halloween?

Friend 1: I’ve barely reached the point in the year where I can emotionally accept it.

Friend 2: Looking at the colors of the beautiful leaves –

Friend 1: Dead leaves.

Friend 2: – beautiful dead leaves that you don’t have to rake up?

Friend 1: Mmmm.

Friend 2: Pumpkin spice everything?

Friend 1: I can get that any time of the year.

Friend 2: Not really.

Friend 1: Oh.

Friend 2: Cooler walks in the park without sweating up a storm?

Friend 1: Eh.

Friend 2: Back to sweaters and jeans instead of T-shirts and shorts?

Friend 1: Hm.  I do love a good sweater.

Friend 2: OK then.

(They sit in silence for a few moments again)

Friend 1: All right, I think I’ve quietly mourned summer enough –

Friend 2: “Quietly”?

Friend 1: – and I’m ready to accept fall and all its trappings.  I only ask for one favor.

Friend 2: Sure, I’ll try – what is it?

Friend 1: Keep winter and all its trappings away from me until at least November.

Friend 2: Now that’s asking for a miracle.

Story 649: Required Viewing

            (In a booth at a busy restaurant)

Pal 1: (Digging into a hamburger) Heh – remember when dinners like this used to be $10 instead of $30?

Pal 2: (Digging into a salad) I’m sure several generations ago remember when they were 10ȼ instead of $10.

Pal 1: Yeah, that’s true.  Still: I think it took longer for them to get to that point than it did for us to get to this point.  I mean, we should be the age they are now with these prices, instead of, you know, our actual age now.  I wanted at least another decade of decelerated inflation.

Pal 2: Well, you know: things happen.

Pal 1: They sure do.  (Adds a lot of ketchup to the fries on the side)

(The two eat in silence for a bit)

Pal 2: (After drinking the free water) Speaking of inflation, I’m glad there’s still bargain night at the movie theater, or at this rate I’d never go.

Pal 1: Yeah, I’m always working on those nights, so, oh well.

Pal 2: Ugh.

Pal 1: I still go, though, for something I really wanna see.  Like, I’m going to go see the ----------- movie Saturday morning, and that’ll be my movie for the year.

Pal 2: Oh cool, I’m actually going to see that this week, on the bargain night; it looks good.

Pal 1: It looks amazing.  I’ve been waiting years for it to come out, and now it finally is, and all I’ve gotta say is, they’d better not mess it up.  (Adds more ketchup in emphasis)

Pal 2: I’m sure it’ll be fine; it’s the same people who did the show, right?

Pal 1: (Stops mid-ketchup squeeze and narrows eyes suspiciously at Pal 2) Yeah…?

Pal 2: Yeah, so: there you go.  (Snags a crouton) Wonder what the plot’s gonna be?  I’ve noticed the trailers’ve been a bit hush-hush about the whole thing.

Pal 1: (Gently sets down the ketchup bottle) Are you telling me, that you’re going to see the ----------- movie, and you’ve never actually seen the ----------- show?!

Pal 2: Why, am I supposed to?

Pal 1: (Sits back against the booth, flabbergasted) I don’t believe what I’m hearing!  The show’s been around for 10 seasons, and you’ve never come across a single episode, even by accident?!

Pal 2: (Shrugs) Just never got around to it.

Pal 1: And now you want to watch an entire movie about it?!

Pal 2: Well, yeah, I figured they’d want as big an audience as possible so they’ll not have much insider information stuff so as to appeal to viewers like me.

Pal 1: Ha!  You have no idea what you’re getting into!

(Pal 3 slides into the booth next to Pal 1)

Pal 3: Hey, sorry I’m late, glad you started without me – what’d I miss?

Pal 1: (Points to Pal 2 while the latter is in mid-bite) This one here’s going to see the ------------ movie without having seen the ------------ show!  At!  All!

Pal 3: (To Pal 2) Nah, you can’t do that – you have no idea what you’re getting into.

Pal 1: That’s what I said!

Pal 2: (Finishing the bite) Oh come on, it can’t be that hard to figure out – I’ll read a synopsis or something.

Pal 1: A mere synopsis isn’t going to cut it!  You need to experience it FROM THE VERY BEGINNING to even have the remotest chance of comprehending all the lore!

Pal 2: “The lore”?

Pal 1: Exactly!  The show’s universe, all its characters, their backstories, their motivations, their feelings, how they’re all related to each other, the individual adventures that could’ve filled 20 lifetimes – everything!

Pal 3: (Nodding in agreement) Lore is key.

Pal 2: I don’t know, it sounds like it’ll take a lot of time –

Pal 1: Well then, make the time!  The rest of us didn’t spend years of loyal viewing and show supporting and fanfiction writing just for someone like you to breeze on in and casually “watch the movie” like it’s some superhero flick!

Pal 3: Superhero flicks have a lot of lore, too.

Pal 1: I stand corrected.

(Server appears at their table)

Server: (To Pal 3) Hi, ready to order?

Pal 3: Hi, yeah, sorry to be so late, so I’ll just have the medium rare steak special with fries and string beans and house dressing for the salad with a glass of soda and then the brownie ice cream sundae for dessert, please.

Server: (Writing frantically) `K, coming right up.  (Leaves while still writing)

Pal 3: I love eating here.

Pal 1: Yeah, great, so do we; as I was saying: the lore!

Pal 2: Enough with the lore!  Fine, I’ll try to cram in watching the entire show before I see the movie, happy?

Pal 1: Only if you see all 120 episodes beforehand.

Pal 2: What?!

Pal 3: (Nudges Pal 1) Don’t forget the prequel series.

Pal 1: Oh, right, I did forget, how could I?

Pal 2: The prequel what?!

Pal 3: Series.  Got released about halfway through the man series, but you have to watch both of them in the order they aired or else stuff that happens later won’t make any sense.

Pal 1: When did that come out, after Season 4?

Pal 3: Season 5.  But it really should’ve come out after Season 4, in my opinion. (To Pal 2) You’ll get it when you reach that episode – it’s pivotal.

Pal 2: (Has been typing notes into a phone) OK, so, after Season 5 of ---------, watch – (Looks back up at Pal 1 and Pal 3) wait, what’s this other show called?

Pa1 1 and Pal 3: ---- -- ----- ----.

Pal 2: (Typing) Oh… kay… and how many seasons is that?

Pal 1: Only three.

Pal 2: (Typing) OK….

Pal 3: Twenty-five episodes each season.

Pal 1: Both shows.

Pal 2: (Pauses typing) Oh.  How long are the episodes in each show, an hour?

Pal 3: Oh no: 20-ish minutes, tops.

Pal 2: (Starts typing again) Good, much more doable.

Pal 1: But, if you have the streaming package with commercials, that bumps them up to half an hour.

Pal 3: Yeah, those add up.  And there were the inter-season specials, those were about 45 minutes, right?

Pal 1: Maybe an hour, hour-and-a-half.

Pal 3: No more than two hours, tops.

Pal 2: (Finishes typing) OK, got it: two shows, average of half-hour episodes, combination of 13 seasons with 25 episodes each season, plus specials, so if I watch nothing else every night for three hours a night starting now, I should finish everything while the movie’s still in the theaters.

Pal 3: (Taking beverage glass and several plates from Server) Thank – you!  (Turns to Pal 2 as Server leaves) And don’t forget the tie-in anime.

Pal 2: (Drops the phone onto the table) The WHAT?!

Pal 1: Eh, I really don’t think that’s necessary.

Pal 3: (Starting on the cornbread) Oh really?  You think the Blue Cloud Redemption Arc that directly impacts Season 7 of ----------- and Season 3 of ---- -- ------ ---- isn’t necessary?  OK.

Pal 1: Wow.  I can’t believe I forgot about that, too.

Pal 3: Maybe you’re the one who should be watching these shows now.

Pal 2: (Sighs and picks up the phone to start typing notes again) You know, for something that’s supposed to be entertaining and relaxing and fun, this feels suspiciously like homework.

Pal 1: Well, we never really leave school behind, do we. 

TWO MONTHS LATER 

(At the same restaurant, Pal 1, Pal 2, and Pal 3 meet up for dinner again in another booth)

Pal 1: (While sliding into the booth; to Pal 2) So!  Did you watch all the shows we told you to before seeing the ------------ movie?

Pal 2: (With bags under eyes and clenched jaw) Yes.

Pal 1: …And?

Pal 2: And it was exactly what I said it would be!  Instead of hundreds of episodes and months of my life, I could have watched absolutely nothing of anything remotely related to the franchise and I still would’ve been able to follow the plot!  In fact, watching all that other stuff made me disappointed that hardly any of it was mentioned in the movie!

Pal 3: (Ripping apart a dinner roll from a basket on the table) Got a point there.

Pal 1: But – but – the lore!

Pal 2: If I hear that word one more time, I will never want to sit through another show ever again.

Pal 3: So, in spite of all that: did you enjoy the movie?

Pal 2: Eh – I thought the shows were better.

Story 648: Home Repair Ignorance Is Not Bliss

             (In a house, Resident sleepily shuffles into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator door with one hand while rubbing eyes with the other)

Refrigerator: <Sounds of parts grinding) [You never vacuumed my coils and now my workings are all clogged up!]

Resident: (Grabbing a juice carton out from the back of the crowded shelf) <Yawn> Quit your moaning; I’ll get on it.  (Lets the door slam shut and shuffles away)

Refrigerator: [And my shelves are a mess!  You have multiple uninvited colonies of microbes living in here, did you know that?!  Hellloooo??!!]

Resident: (Barely staying awake while slumped at the kitchen table, drinking from the carton and eating from a box of cereal) Mm-hmmm…. Right… on it…. 

SIX MONTHS LATER 

(Resident walks in through the front door after work, drops a messenger bag onto the floor, flings off shoes, then stops and sniffs the air)

Resident: Almost smells like something’s on fire.  Interesting.

(Hunts through the house, lifts up an area rug, smells a shirt that is lying on the couch, then realizes that the smell is coming from the vents)

Resident: Huh, wonder what that could be?

(Tiredly lifts up a door in the laundry room floor, then slides down a stepladder into the crawl space and wiggles over to the furnace)

Furnace: <Sounds of parts grinding> [You haven’t had anyone give me a tune-up since you moved in!  I won’t be responsible for the consequences!]

Resident: (Knocks lightly on an outside panel, then shrugs and wiggles back to the stepladder) Ah, why bother – it’s still summer.

Furnace: [GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!] 

THREE MONTHS LATER 

(Resident is lying on the couch watching a movie on a large-screen TV when a loud <KLUNK!> is heard in the near distance)

Resident: (Pauses the movie) Yes?

Washing Machine: <Muffled sounds of parts grinding> [If I’m making noises when I’m not even ON, there’s a problem!]

Resident: (Listens to the noises for a few more seconds, then shrugs and resumes the movie) Eh, no rush to do anything about it now. 

TWO MONTHS LATER 

(Resident walks into the bathroom, humming, then stops on seeing water pooled around the bottom edge of the toilet)

Resident: Hmmmm…. (Thinks for a few moments, then grabs a large bath towel from a rack, piles it around the bottom edge of the toilet, and nods in satisfaction) Problem solved.  (Grabs deodorant and sprays self all over on the way out, humming again)

Toilet: <Constant sound of running water> [Un… believable….] 

ONE MONTH LATER 

(Resident walks to the bedroom in pajamas and suddenly hears a loud <CREAK!>)

Resident: (Stops in the hallway, then looks up at the ceiling) Ghosts finally move in?

House: <Creaking> [No, you idiot, I’m infested with termites and they’re eating me alive!  Or should I say dead, since the trees used to make me had to be CHOPPED DOWN in their prime!  Don’t you see the sawdust piles those invaders leave, or notice that the wooden walls and floors lately sound extremely hollow?!  Or did this all just blend in with your regular mess?!]

Resident: (Looks down and sees several sawdust piles) Huh – wonder where those came from?  (Knocks on a nearby wall that sounds suspiciously hollow)

Termites: [No one’s home!]

Resident: OK then – nighty-night.  (Shuffles into the bedroom and flops onto the bed)

House: (To the termites) [Oh go ahead – this’ll be the ultimate revenge.] 

ONE DAY LATER 

(Resident hears knocking at the front door and opens it)

Resident: Hi!  Do I know you?

Town Official: Thankfully not: I’m posting a notice that your house has been condemned – please exit before it collapses on you.  (Posts a notice on the outside of the screen door)

Resident: Well, there must be some mistake.  You sure you’re at the right address?

Town Official: (Looks around at the lopsided house, yards-high grass, and bifurcated driveway, then back at Resident) Quite sure.  There have been numerous notices mailed to you about this issue.

Resident: (Leans against a door jamb, which immediately breaks off; leans against the opposite door jamb instead) Oh really?  `Cause this certainly is the first I’m hearing about it!

Town Official: (Casts a glance at the mail pile on the stoop that has reached the top of the mailbox fixed next to the front door) I don’t doubt it.  Now, please come with me to Town Hall where we can start processing all the fines you need to pay and discuss razing everything to the ground and starting over – with any luck, you may avoid jail time.  (Turns and carefully walks around the cracks in the ground while heading toward a car that is parked half a block away)

Resident: (Hops around obstacles on the ground) This – is – unacceptable!  I demand an explanation!

Town Official: (Turns back to Resident as they both reach the safety of the street) I literally just gave one.  You can follow me to Town Hall if you don’t know the way there – I’d offer you a ride, but I don’t want your chaos infecting my car.

Resident: Well, you can tell “Town Hall” that they’ve gone too far!  This is overreach, to the worst extreme!  My house is perfectly fine, and I will take care of any supposed issues that arise inside, outside, above, and/or below it, without some patronizing unseen force that thinks it can tell me what to do just because it makes sure my recycling is picked up and education is provided and whatever, meddling in my personal affairs!  Everything is, always has been, and always will be, PERFECTLY!  FINE!!

House: [That’s our cue, folks!]

(The entire structure collapses, down through the crawl space and beyond)

Malfunctioning Appliances: [We’re free, hurrah!]

(Resident and Town Official stare at the self-imposed demolition until it finally settles with a whimper)

Resident: (Eventually turns back to Town Official) My taxes cover fixing that, right?

Town Official: I’m sorry: we don’t meddle in personal affairs.

Resident: Guess I deserved that.