Story 649: Required Viewing

            (In a booth at a busy restaurant)

Pal 1: (Digging into a hamburger) Heh – remember when dinners like this used to be $10 instead of $30?

Pal 2: (Digging into a salad) I’m sure several generations ago remember when they were 10ȼ instead of $10.

Pal 1: Yeah, that’s true.  Still: I think it took longer for them to get to that point than it did for us to get to this point.  I mean, we should be the age they are now with these prices, instead of, you know, our actual age now.  I wanted at least another decade of decelerated inflation.

Pal 2: Well, you know: things happen.

Pal 1: They sure do.  (Adds a lot of ketchup to the fries on the side)

(The two eat in silence for a bit)

Pal 2: (After drinking the free water) Speaking of inflation, I’m glad there’s still bargain night at the movie theater, or at this rate I’d never go.

Pal 1: Yeah, I’m always working on those nights, so, oh well.

Pal 2: Ugh.

Pal 1: I still go, though, for something I really wanna see.  Like, I’m going to go see the ----------- movie Saturday morning, and that’ll be my movie for the year.

Pal 2: Oh cool, I’m actually going to see that this week, on the bargain night; it looks good.

Pal 1: It looks amazing.  I’ve been waiting years for it to come out, and now it finally is, and all I’ve gotta say is, they’d better not mess it up.  (Adds more ketchup in emphasis)

Pal 2: I’m sure it’ll be fine; it’s the same people who did the show, right?

Pal 1: (Stops mid-ketchup squeeze and narrows eyes suspiciously at Pal 2) Yeah…?

Pal 2: Yeah, so: there you go.  (Snags a crouton) Wonder what the plot’s gonna be?  I’ve noticed the trailers’ve been a bit hush-hush about the whole thing.

Pal 1: (Gently sets down the ketchup bottle) Are you telling me, that you’re going to see the ----------- movie, and you’ve never actually seen the ----------- show?!

Pal 2: Why, am I supposed to?

Pal 1: (Sits back against the booth, flabbergasted) I don’t believe what I’m hearing!  The show’s been around for 10 seasons, and you’ve never come across a single episode, even by accident?!

Pal 2: (Shrugs) Just never got around to it.

Pal 1: And now you want to watch an entire movie about it?!

Pal 2: Well, yeah, I figured they’d want as big an audience as possible so they’ll not have much insider information stuff so as to appeal to viewers like me.

Pal 1: Ha!  You have no idea what you’re getting into!

(Pal 3 slides into the booth next to Pal 1)

Pal 3: Hey, sorry I’m late, glad you started without me – what’d I miss?

Pal 1: (Points to Pal 2 while the latter is in mid-bite) This one here’s going to see the ------------ movie without having seen the ------------ show!  At!  All!

Pal 3: (To Pal 2) Nah, you can’t do that – you have no idea what you’re getting into.

Pal 1: That’s what I said!

Pal 2: (Finishing the bite) Oh come on, it can’t be that hard to figure out – I’ll read a synopsis or something.

Pal 1: A mere synopsis isn’t going to cut it!  You need to experience it FROM THE VERY BEGINNING to even have the remotest chance of comprehending all the lore!

Pal 2: “The lore”?

Pal 1: Exactly!  The show’s universe, all its characters, their backstories, their motivations, their feelings, how they’re all related to each other, the individual adventures that could’ve filled 20 lifetimes – everything!

Pal 3: (Nodding in agreement) Lore is key.

Pal 2: I don’t know, it sounds like it’ll take a lot of time –

Pal 1: Well then, make the time!  The rest of us didn’t spend years of loyal viewing and show supporting and fanfiction writing just for someone like you to breeze on in and casually “watch the movie” like it’s some superhero flick!

Pal 3: Superhero flicks have a lot of lore, too.

Pal 1: I stand corrected.

(Server appears at their table)

Server: (To Pal 3) Hi, ready to order?

Pal 3: Hi, yeah, sorry to be so late, so I’ll just have the medium rare steak special with fries and string beans and house dressing for the salad with a glass of soda and then the brownie ice cream sundae for dessert, please.

Server: (Writing frantically) `K, coming right up.  (Leaves while still writing)

Pal 3: I love eating here.

Pal 1: Yeah, great, so do we; as I was saying: the lore!

Pal 2: Enough with the lore!  Fine, I’ll try to cram in watching the entire show before I see the movie, happy?

Pal 1: Only if you see all 120 episodes beforehand.

Pal 2: What?!

Pal 3: (Nudges Pal 1) Don’t forget the prequel series.

Pal 1: Oh, right, I did forget, how could I?

Pal 2: The prequel what?!

Pal 3: Series.  Got released about halfway through the man series, but you have to watch both of them in the order they aired or else stuff that happens later won’t make any sense.

Pal 1: When did that come out, after Season 4?

Pal 3: Season 5.  But it really should’ve come out after Season 4, in my opinion. (To Pal 2) You’ll get it when you reach that episode – it’s pivotal.

Pal 2: (Has been typing notes into a phone) OK, so, after Season 5 of ---------, watch – (Looks back up at Pal 1 and Pal 3) wait, what’s this other show called?

Pa1 1 and Pal 3: ---- -- ----- ----.

Pal 2: (Typing) Oh… kay… and how many seasons is that?

Pal 1: Only three.

Pal 2: (Typing) OK….

Pal 3: Twenty-five episodes each season.

Pal 1: Both shows.

Pal 2: (Pauses typing) Oh.  How long are the episodes in each show, an hour?

Pal 3: Oh no: 20-ish minutes, tops.

Pal 2: (Starts typing again) Good, much more doable.

Pal 1: But, if you have the streaming package with commercials, that bumps them up to half an hour.

Pal 3: Yeah, those add up.  And there were the inter-season specials, those were about 45 minutes, right?

Pal 1: Maybe an hour, hour-and-a-half.

Pal 3: No more than two hours, tops.

Pal 2: (Finishes typing) OK, got it: two shows, average of half-hour episodes, combination of 13 seasons with 25 episodes each season, plus specials, so if I watch nothing else every night for three hours a night starting now, I should finish everything while the movie’s still in the theaters.

Pal 3: (Taking beverage glass and several plates from Server) Thank – you!  (Turns to Pal 2 as Server leaves) And don’t forget the tie-in anime.

Pal 2: (Drops the phone onto the table) The WHAT?!

Pal 1: Eh, I really don’t think that’s necessary.

Pal 3: (Starting on the cornbread) Oh really?  You think the Blue Cloud Redemption Arc that directly impacts Season 7 of ----------- and Season 3 of ---- -- ------ ---- isn’t necessary?  OK.

Pal 1: Wow.  I can’t believe I forgot about that, too.

Pal 3: Maybe you’re the one who should be watching these shows now.

Pal 2: (Sighs and picks up the phone to start typing notes again) You know, for something that’s supposed to be entertaining and relaxing and fun, this feels suspiciously like homework.

Pal 1: Well, we never really leave school behind, do we. 

TWO MONTHS LATER 

(At the same restaurant, Pal 1, Pal 2, and Pal 3 meet up for dinner again in another booth)

Pal 1: (While sliding into the booth; to Pal 2) So!  Did you watch all the shows we told you to before seeing the ------------ movie?

Pal 2: (With bags under eyes and clenched jaw) Yes.

Pal 1: …And?

Pal 2: And it was exactly what I said it would be!  Instead of hundreds of episodes and months of my life, I could have watched absolutely nothing of anything remotely related to the franchise and I still would’ve been able to follow the plot!  In fact, watching all that other stuff made me disappointed that hardly any of it was mentioned in the movie!

Pal 3: (Ripping apart a dinner roll from a basket on the table) Got a point there.

Pal 1: But – but – the lore!

Pal 2: If I hear that word one more time, I will never want to sit through another show ever again.

Pal 3: So, in spite of all that: did you enjoy the movie?

Pal 2: Eh – I thought the shows were better.

Story 648: Home Repair Ignorance Is Not Bliss

             (In a house, Resident sleepily shuffles into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator door with one hand while rubbing eyes with the other)

Refrigerator: <Sounds of parts grinding) [You never vacuumed my coils and now my workings are all clogged up!]

Resident: (Grabbing a juice carton out from the back of the crowded shelf) <Yawn> Quit your moaning; I’ll get on it.  (Lets the door slam shut and shuffles away)

Refrigerator: [And my shelves are a mess!  You have multiple uninvited colonies of microbes living in here, did you know that?!  Hellloooo??!!]

Resident: (Barely staying awake while slumped at the kitchen table, drinking from the carton and eating from a box of cereal) Mm-hmmm…. Right… on it…. 

SIX MONTHS LATER 

(Resident walks in through the front door after work, drops a messenger bag onto the floor, flings off shoes, then stops and sniffs the air)

Resident: Almost smells like something’s on fire.  Interesting.

(Hunts through the house, lifts up an area rug, smells a shirt that is lying on the couch, then realizes that the smell is coming from the vents)

Resident: Huh, wonder what that could be?

(Tiredly lifts up a door in the laundry room floor, then slides down a stepladder into the crawl space and wiggles over to the furnace)

Furnace: <Sounds of parts grinding> [You haven’t had anyone give me a tune-up since you moved in!  I won’t be responsible for the consequences!]

Resident: (Knocks lightly on an outside panel, then shrugs and wiggles back to the stepladder) Ah, why bother – it’s still summer.

Furnace: [GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!] 

THREE MONTHS LATER 

(Resident is lying on the couch watching a movie on a large-screen TV when a loud <KLUNK!> is heard in the near distance)

Resident: (Pauses the movie) Yes?

Washing Machine: <Muffled sounds of parts grinding> [If I’m making noises when I’m not even ON, there’s a problem!]

Resident: (Listens to the noises for a few more seconds, then shrugs and resumes the movie) Eh, no rush to do anything about it now. 

TWO MONTHS LATER 

(Resident walks into the bathroom, humming, then stops on seeing water pooled around the bottom edge of the toilet)

Resident: Hmmmm…. (Thinks for a few moments, then grabs a large bath towel from a rack, piles it around the bottom edge of the toilet, and nods in satisfaction) Problem solved.  (Grabs deodorant and sprays self all over on the way out, humming again)

Toilet: <Constant sound of running water> [Un… believable….] 

ONE MONTH LATER 

(Resident walks to the bedroom in pajamas and suddenly hears a loud <CREAK!>)

Resident: (Stops in the hallway, then looks up at the ceiling) Ghosts finally move in?

House: <Creaking> [No, you idiot, I’m infested with termites and they’re eating me alive!  Or should I say dead, since the trees used to make me had to be CHOPPED DOWN in their prime!  Don’t you see the sawdust piles those invaders leave, or notice that the wooden walls and floors lately sound extremely hollow?!  Or did this all just blend in with your regular mess?!]

Resident: (Looks down and sees several sawdust piles) Huh – wonder where those came from?  (Knocks on a nearby wall that sounds suspiciously hollow)

Termites: [No one’s home!]

Resident: OK then – nighty-night.  (Shuffles into the bedroom and flops onto the bed)

House: (To the termites) [Oh go ahead – this’ll be the ultimate revenge.] 

ONE DAY LATER 

(Resident hears knocking at the front door and opens it)

Resident: Hi!  Do I know you?

Town Official: Thankfully not: I’m posting a notice that your house has been condemned – please exit before it collapses on you.  (Posts a notice on the outside of the screen door)

Resident: Well, there must be some mistake.  You sure you’re at the right address?

Town Official: (Looks around at the lopsided house, yards-high grass, and bifurcated driveway, then back at Resident) Quite sure.  There have been numerous notices mailed to you about this issue.

Resident: (Leans against a door jamb, which immediately breaks off; leans against the opposite door jamb instead) Oh really?  `Cause this certainly is the first I’m hearing about it!

Town Official: (Casts a glance at the mail pile on the stoop that has reached the top of the mailbox fixed next to the front door) I don’t doubt it.  Now, please come with me to Town Hall where we can start processing all the fines you need to pay and discuss razing everything to the ground and starting over – with any luck, you may avoid jail time.  (Turns and carefully walks around the cracks in the ground while heading toward a car that is parked half a block away)

Resident: (Hops around obstacles on the ground) This – is – unacceptable!  I demand an explanation!

Town Official: (Turns back to Resident as they both reach the safety of the street) I literally just gave one.  You can follow me to Town Hall if you don’t know the way there – I’d offer you a ride, but I don’t want your chaos infecting my car.

Resident: Well, you can tell “Town Hall” that they’ve gone too far!  This is overreach, to the worst extreme!  My house is perfectly fine, and I will take care of any supposed issues that arise inside, outside, above, and/or below it, without some patronizing unseen force that thinks it can tell me what to do just because it makes sure my recycling is picked up and education is provided and whatever, meddling in my personal affairs!  Everything is, always has been, and always will be, PERFECTLY!  FINE!!

House: [That’s our cue, folks!]

(The entire structure collapses, down through the crawl space and beyond)

Malfunctioning Appliances: [We’re free, hurrah!]

(Resident and Town Official stare at the self-imposed demolition until it finally settles with a whimper)

Resident: (Eventually turns back to Town Official) My taxes cover fixing that, right?

Town Official: I’m sorry: we don’t meddle in personal affairs.

Resident: Guess I deserved that.

Story 647: End of Regular Summer, Start of Local Summer

             (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hi there!

Friend 2: Hey – just checking if you want to meet up sometime during Labor Day weekend?  You’re off at least one of those days, right?

Friend 1: Just Sunday this year – the irony of working on a holiday specifically called “Labor Day” has slapped me in the face yet again, but I suppose I brought this on myself by remaining in the wonderful world of retail.

Friend 2: Is it more supportive if I boycott where you work that day, or if I spend money there to keep you all employed?

Friend 1: Eh – can’t speak for my coworkers, but I get time-and-a-half either way so makes no difference to me if I’m bored or frazzled while I’m at it.

Friend 2: I’ll just come and visit you, then.

Friend 1: Appreciate it.  I still can’t believe it’s Labor Day already.

Friend 2: Yeah, I know what you mean: there goes another summer for the books.

Friend 1: Uh-huh.  Another summer, out the window.

Friend 2: Hm.

Friend 1: Down the drain.

Friend 2: Hmmm….

Friend 1: Closer to death.

Friend 2: OK, that’s enough: you wanna meet up on Sunday for brunch or one last go at the amusement park or what?

Friend 1: Yeah, I’ll say “Nah” for going anywhere this weekend – everyone else’ll still be there, and I can’t stand everyone else.

Friend 2: Fine: maybe we’ll do something later in the month when it’s Local Summer, all right?

Friend 1: What’s that?

Friend 2: What’s what?

Friend 1: “Local Summer”.  I thought it was summer for everyone this side of the Equator, not just locally.

Friend 2: What?  Wait, you never heard of Local Summer before?

Friend 1: Should I have?

Friend 2: I dunno, I thought it was one of those things everyone knows about.

Friend 1: Then I guess my ignorance is showing, just in time for Back to School.  So, what is it?

Friend 2: Well, you know how everywhere you go, The Shore is jam-packed with tourists every day from Memorial Day to Labor Day?

Friend 1: Yes.  That’s why I never go to The Shore unless I’m staying overnight and can walk everywhere.  And only once a year, because that’s all I can take of that chaos.

Friend 2: So, Local Summer is when the tourists all have gone back to wherever they came from, but the weather’s still decent and a lot of summer stuff’s still open, so the locals now actually get to enjoy their own towns.

Friend 1: Huh.  Makes sense, I guess.  But we’re not technically locals, you know.

Friend 2: We’re close enough: our license plates are from the same state and we know how to behave – we’ll be welcomed with open arms.

Friend 1: Cool.  But the beaches’ll all be closed, right?

Friend 2: Well, there’ll be no lifeguards so you can’t go swimming, but you can still walk around and hang out on them which is what you’d do anyway.

Friend 1: True.

Friend 2: And at that point, they’ll be free!

Friend 1: You just said the magic word.

Friend 2: Parking won’t be free until mid-October –

Friend 1: Darn.

Friend 2: – but we’ll actually be able to find a spot that’s not five miles away from where we want to go, so there’s that.

Friend 1: Sweet.  OK, I’m in – have any place in mind?

Friend 2: I was thinking ------- -------.

Friend 1: I’ve never been anywhere near that place before January or after March – the crowds surrounding it otherwise prevent me from getting too close.

Friend 2: Well, by mid-September, that should no longer be an issue. 

MID-SEPTEMBER 

(Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat as they arrive at ------- ------- in record time with no real traffic; Friend 1 glides the car right into a parking spot on the street near the boardwalk, in the middle of everything they want to visit)

Friend 1: (As they both exit the car, starts spinning around in circles in wonder while heading to the sidewalk) I don’t understand – where is everybody –

(On the nearly-empty beach)

Friend 1: Where is everybody?!

(On the nearly-empty boardwalk)

Friend 1: WHERE IS EVERYBODY???!!!

Friend 2: Back at home, at school, at work – all that matters is: not here.  (Points to the nearly-empty amusement park section on the boardwalk) Wanna go on the spinning teacups first or the roller coaster first?

Friend 1: YES!

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 ride all the rides with no lines, then eat all the boardwalk food they want with no wait, then play multiple rounds of miniature golf with no parties of 10 before or after them, then run up and down the beach with no sunbathers blocking their way, and then walk to all the local shops in town with hardly any shoppers to maneuver around)

Friend 1: (As they both stroll along the quiet main avenue, eating ice cream that was served a minute after they walked into the shop) You know, I think I’m starting to prefer Local Summer to Regular Ol’ Summer.

Friend 2: I figured you would.

Friend 1: It’s just so… (Looks around the mellow shore town) peaceful.  A few weeks ago, it was probably so stuffed with mayhem that I would’ve had a silent meltdown, but now, this is what it always should be like: tranquil, mild, calm, soothing, all those relaxing adjectives that summer’s supposed to represent.

Friend 2: I bet.  (Crunches on the rest of an ice cream cone)

Friend 1: (Throws away a used napkin into a nearby trash can) You know, I think we should spend our summers here, after everybody else’s summer, from now on; not a care in the world; let that summer feeling last past August 31 even though it’s technically summer for another three weeks; whaddya say?

Friend 2: That’s fine, but I should let you know that the downside to Local Summer starting in September is that the Sun pretty much goes away around 7:00 –

Friend 1: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Story 646: The Back-up House Sitter

 FRIDAY 

(On the living room floor in house, Sibling 2 is rolling up clothes into teeny-tiny balls and shoving as many of them as possible into an average-sized suitcase)

Sibling 2: (Using entire body to push the giant pile into all available spaces and then shove the cover down on top) C’mon…. (Quickly zips up the bulging suitcase) Yes!  Ha!  (Suddenly sees a toiletry bag and a pair of dress shoes that were on the floor just out-of-sight) Dangit!  (Starts unzipping the suitcase, then stops to check a text message alert, eyes widening while reading) Oh no – oh no – oh no-no-no-no-no – (Interrupted by the phone ringing, Sibling 2 hesitates slightly before answering it) Hiiiii – oh, there they go.  (Stares at the clothes balls that escaped from the suitcase)

Sibling 1: (Reclined on a couch in an apartment, watching TV and eating potato chips) Huh?

Sibling 2: Never mind – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Not much, just wondering if you’re not busy this weekend and wanted to hang out.

Sibling 2: (Props phone onto shoulder against ear to shove clothes back into the suitcase) Ha-ha, you’re hilarious.

Sibling 1: (Chews) Naw, I mean it – I’m actually off on Saturday and got nothing planned, so you wanna go out to the arcade or the movies or something?

Sibling 2: (Freezes in disbelief) Are you serious right now?!

Sibling 1: (Dumps the rest of the bag’s contents into mouth) Of course.  Nothing different than what we normally do, though it is a little last-minute, sorry.

Sibling 2: (Slowly stands and speaks with control) Tomorrow, you’re driving me to the airport for me to get to the cruise ship.  For my vacation, that I’ve been planning for over a year.

Sibling 1: (Freezes mid-chew, then swallows) That’s tomorrow?

Sibling 2: YES!

Sibling 1: Guess that’s why I’m off from work then, huh.

Sibling 2: I guess so!

Sibling 1: Ah jeez, I thought it was next month, you know, since it’s an end-of-summer vacation and all that.

Sibling 2: This week is the end of summer!  Unofficially.

Sibling 1: (Leans very far back over an arm of the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen, then returns to reclining) Oh yeah – time flies.

Sibling 2: You know, I would say “Unbelievable”, but knowing you, it is believable, and I think the word I’m really looking for is “Typical”.

Sibling 1: (Rips open a bag of popcorn and starts working on that) Whelp, no harm, no foul: now it’s ingrained in my mind to pick you up for the airport run tomorrow – 3 p.m., right?

Sibling 2: (Sighs in relief) Yes, thank you, I do appreciate it.  I’d drive myself if the parking fees didn’t cost almost as much as the flight.

Sibling 1: Yeah – I’d even fly you myself if my pilot’s license hadn’t been revoked.  [Crunch-crunch]

Sibling 2: (Resumes struggling with the suitcase) I don’t even wanna go there.  This trip is costing me a fortune just getting there and back, so I hope it’s worth it.

Sibling 1: Well, I’m glad you’re finally going on this trip; you’ve been wanting to go for years.

Sibling 2: Yeah, I kept letting things get in the way, and then one day I realized I’m not getting any younger and there’ll eventually be a point where I can’t go on trips like this anymore, so I’d better stop putting it off, you know?

Sibling 1: Definitely!  We’re all born with a ticking clock: we just don’t know when it’ll wind down, or if something’ll smash it instead.

Sibling 2: That’s… profoundly disturbing.

Sibling 1: OR: disturbingly profound.

Sibling 2: OK, enough of that: the point is, with the plane costs and the hotel costs and the cruise costs and the excursion costs and all the other costs along the way, I gotta save where I can, although the house sitting part was an unexpected add-on I almost forgot about, and now I just got a message with a last-minute cancellation and I’ve gotta scramble to find someone else.  (Shoves shoes into the suitcase toe-first)

Sibling 1: Hold on: “house sitting”?  (Slurps a drink through a straw)

Sibling 2: Yeah, since I’m gonna be away for over a week, I got some service to take care of the lawn and the plants and make sure the place doesn’t get robbed and all that.  At least I did, up until right before you called about five minutes ago.  (Sits on the closed suitcase to zip it up again)

Sibling 1: (Sits up with a furrowed brow) And you’re paying someone to do that?!

Sibling 2: (Stops zipping) Yes…?

Sibling 1: Dude!  Why?!  I’d do it for you for free!

Sibling 2: (Fidgets with the zipper) Uh, well, I didn’t want to ask, I know you’re busy –

Sibling 1: Not too busy for my own flesh and blood!  And outside of work, I’m really not busy, ever.

Sibling 2: (Fidgeting with the suitcase locks) Well, that’s OK, you’re already doing the airport bit, I didn’t want to bother you with the house too, or bother Mom and Dad, either.

Sibling 1: (Stands and paces in excitement) Nonsense!  It’ll be a vacation for me also, away from the mundanity of my humdrum life!  Just give me a list of what you were gonna have the other folks do and I’ll take care of everything!  Ooh, this’ll be so much fun!

Sibling 2: Uh, I don’t know….

Sibling 1: (Stops pacing) What, you don’t think I can handle it?

Sibling 2: Well, frankly, you didn’t even remember I was going away tomorrow when you are the one taking me there!

Sibling 1: (Waves a hand dismissively) Oh, that – I remembered in general, I just lost track of the specifics.  Now, it’s all settled: get your money back for getting cancelled on, put it toward souvenirs for yourself, and write up what you want me to do at the house and make sure there’s enough dessert that I can get to and I’ll handle the rest, all right, OK, byeeeeeee!!!!  (Ends the call, skips to the bedroom, and throws clothes into an overnight bag)

Sibling 2: (Tosses the phone onto the rug and slumps off the suitcase) I may regret this. 

SATURDAY 

(At an airport drop-off lane for departures, Sibling 1 forces Sibling 2’s car into a space between a giant truck and a giant van)

Sibling 1: (Gets out of the driver side and stares at a plane taking off while Sibling 2 dashes out of the passenger side to grab the bursting suitcase and a carry-on bag from the trunk) You ever wonder why it’s called an “airport” and not an “airplane port”?

Sibling 2: (Pauses briefly while hoisting out the suitcase) What?

Sibling 1: I mean, there’s “train station”; why not “airplane station”?  We’re not flying, the planes are.  And it sounds like it’s a port made up of air rather than a port to the air.

Sibling 2: (Slams the trunk door shut) Yeah, I’m not gonna miss this while I’m gone.  You’ll be OK getting home?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, it’s just rush hour on the turnpike – I tune that all out.

Sibling 2: Thought so.  (They hug, then Sibling 2 starts heading over to one of the entrance doors) I’ll let you know when I get there!

Sibling 1: Thanks!  Have a great time!  And don’t worry about a thing here while you’re gone!  (Waves at Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: (Waves back with a grimace) Thanks!  (Turns away and mutters) I’ll try not to.

(On the line for Security, Sibling 2 is almost up to the screening section when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Answering the call; in a low voice) Hi, everything OK?  You back at the house yet?

Sibling 1: (On the phone at Sibling 2’s front door) Yeah, everything’s fine – just wondering where you leave your house key?

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes in exasperation) I gave you a house key years ago.

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, that’s… somewhere, so I’m looking for the key you leave here, like under a fake rock or a fake tree or something like that.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth) I never leave a key under a fake anything.

Sibling 1: Got it.  You didn’t board yet, right?

Sibling 2: No…?!

Sibling 1: Great – I’ll pop back over there in about an hour and you can just toss the key you used earlier over the security rope –

Sibling 2: (Extremely calm) Go to Mom and Dad and get their key, OK?

Sibling 1: Eh, I don’t want them pitying me.

Sibling 2: I don’t care!

Sibling 1: Well I do.

Sibling 2: You – !

Sibling 1: (Suddenly pulls out a giant ring of keys from a pants pocket) Oh, wait, never mind, key’s right here, forgot I had this whole thing.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth again) Are you sure?

Sibling 1: You bet!  (Props phone on shoulder against ear and starts flipping through the many keys, one by one) It’s alllllll under control….

Sibling 2: Good.  Good-bye.  (Ends the call, then turns to a security agent at a counter) House-sitting family member.

Security Agent: You have my sympathies. 

SUNDAY 

(Text messages)                                                         

                                                                                    Sibling 2:

                                                                                    1:30 a.m.

                                                                                    I landed!

Sibling 1:

1:30 a.m.

Great!

                                                                                    1:31 a.m.

                                                                                    Sorry if I woke you!

1:31 a.m.

Nope, I’m up!

                                                                                    Have a good night, then!

1:32 a.m.

Hah, you mean morning, don’t you? LOL                

                                                                                    1:32 a.m.

                                                                                    I have no idea what time it is

                                                                                    right now

            1:33 a.m.

Know the feeling. Sleep well, and have fun!

                                                                                    1:33 a.m.

                                                                                    Thanks!

                                                                                   

                                                                                    9:45 a.m.

                                                                                    Almost forgot – did you set

                                                                                    the alarm before you went to bed?

 

                                                                                    9:46 a.m.

                                                                                    You awake?

            9:47 a.m.

            ….

                                                                                                9:48 a.m.

                                                                                                Are you OK?

            9:48 a.m.

            K        

                                                                                                9:49 a.m.

                                                                                                Read my earlier message again 

                                                                                                when you’re fully conscious – I’m 

                                                                                                off to dinner, bye!

            10:10 a.m.

            K

 MONDAY 

(Sibling 2 is on an upper deck of a cruise ship as it slowly leaves port at the start of the voyage, leaning on a railing while taking in the view, and then the dials Sibling 1 for a video call)

Sibling 2: Hi!  Sorry, are you at work?

Sibling 1: (Holding the phone extremely close up) Not until tonight!  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: We’re off!  (Pans the phone around to show the receding shoreline and the open sea)

Sibling 1: Wow, the water there is so blue!

Sibling 2: (Faces the phone back to self) I know, right?  I’ll take lots of pictures so it’ll almost be like you’re here!

Sibling 1: Great, `cause I’m sure as heck never getting myself out there!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah.  So, how’s everything at the old homestead?

Sibling 1: (Distractedly) Oh, it’s all good, all good….

Sibling 2: Is anything wrong?

Sibling 1: Oh no, not “wrong”, per se….

Sibling 2: But…?

Sibling 1: Well, while we’re on the subject of water – hypothetically speaking, if there was, say… a leak somewhere –

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and lowers head) Oh no.

Sibling 1: Totally not my hypothetical fault, by the way, but if there was, what kind of person would you call if something like that were to may or may not happen, say?

Sibling 2: (Wearily raises head) A plumber.

Sibling 1: Yes, that’s what I thought – and the number for such a person would be…?

Sibling 2: On the list that’s posted on the fridge.

Sibling 1: Right!  Well, good to know on the off-chance I ever need to call such an individual – which I shouldn’t!  (A towel briefly crosses the screen)

Sibling 2: Just turn the shut-off valve on whatever’s the nearest pipe to the issue and send me the bill later.

Sibling 1: Oh good, thanks – I mean, don’t think about anything here at all, and focus on the great time you’re having on the party ship, bye-bye-bye!  (Ends the call with an off-screen splash)

(Sibling 2 pockets the phone with a sigh and leans head against the railing)

Server: (Holds a tray of glasses out to Sibling 2) Drink?

Sibling 2: (Looks up at Server) No thanks, but right now I wish I did. 

WEDNESDAY 

(On a beach, Sibling 2 stares at the gentle waves from a lounge chair)

Sibling 2: That really is a lot of blue…. (Phone rings; Sibling 2 sits up suddenly and answers) Oh no, what now?

Sibling 1: What, I can’t call just to say “Hi”?

Sibling 2: Not when I’m supposed to be relaxing, and you never call just to say “Hi”.

Sibling 1: True – who does, anyway?

Sibling 2: So, what disaster now?

Sibling 1: Worst case scenario there; I’m only curious where you get your ice cream, that’s all.

Sibling 2: …There was a full gallon in the freezer.

Sibling 1: Yes.  There was.

Sibling 2: I’m sure you’ll figure out how to go on – bye.  (Ends the call and lies back down with eyes closed) I’ll be shocked if there’s any food left in the house by the time I get back. 

FRIDAY 

(Sibling 2 walks through hills of ruins, pondering the ephemerality of life, when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Sighs) Almost wish I didn’t spring for the international plan and just stayed on radio silence this whole time.  (Answers the phone) Everything OK?

Sibling 1: What makes you think something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Gee, I don’t know, precedence?!

Sibling 1: OK, you got me there.  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: Surrounded by an ancient city destroyed by time, and at the moment wishing I could join them.

Sibling 1: Hilarious.  Weather there nice?

Sibling 2: Very hot, but there’s a breeze from the sea every so often.

Sibling 1: Oh good: enjoy it.

Sibling 2: That sounds ominous: why?

Sibling 1: Because by my count, back home we’ve had 15 thunderstorms in seven days, 11 of which have flooded pretty much everything.

Sibling 2: The house flooded?!

Sibling 1: What?  Oh no, the house is fine – everything else around here flooded though, including my car.

Sibling 2: What about my car?

Sibling 1: Haven’t touched it – it’s high up the driveway so it should be fine.

Sibling 2: “Haven’t touched”…?  I asked you to take it out around the block by Wednesday!

Sibling 1: What, like out for a walk?

Sibling 2: For a drive, doofus!  I don’t want a dead battery by the time I get back!  It was on the list you told me to give you!

Sibling 1: …Oh right, guess I missed that one.

Sibling 2: It’s OK, just – wait, if it’s been constantly pouring rain like you said, I hope you also ignored the part that said to water the plants every other day?

Sibling 1: …Oh my, I see a neighbor needing their car bailed out on the street, gotta go!  (Ends the call)

Sibling 2: (To the ruins) Can I stay here?  (The phone rings again; Sibling 2 answers) What.

Sibling 1: Almost forgot – reason I called: if, hypothetically speaking, there was an oversight one night where the side gate was left open, about how many furry creatures of varying sizes and temperaments are you comfortable with hanging out in the backyard?  In theory?

Sibling 2: …I’m going back to hanging out with a fallen civilization now – bye.  (Ends the call and pockets the phone, then looks out to the horizon) Sing in me, Muse, of helpless relatives…. 

SATURDAY 

            (Text messages)

                                                                                                Sibling 2:

                                                                                                10:30 p.m.

                                                                                                I landed!

            Sibling 1:

            10:30 p.m.

            Yay!  Glad that all went well and you’re

            back safe and sound!

                                                                                                10:31 p.m.

                                                                                               Yes, thankfully!  So, I should be 

                                                                                               done with Customs and getting 

                                                                                               my luggage in about an hour, so 

                                                                                               I’ll wait where you originally

                                                                                               dropped me off, probably by 

                                                                                               11:30, OK?

            10:32 p.m.

            ….

                                                                                                10:33 p.m.

                                                                                                You forgot you also have to

                                                                                                PICK ME UP FROM 

                                                                                                THE AIRPORT, didn’t you

            10:34 p.m.

            OF COURSE NOT!!!

                                                                                                10:34 p.m.

                                                                                                Uh huh

            10:35 p.m.

            Hypothetically speaking, which airport

                                                                                                10:35 p.m.

                                                                                                I have to deplane now –

                                                                                                check the flight details 

                                                                                                I sent you and I’ll call 

                                                                                                when I’m outside – bye

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

(Back at Sibling 2’s house, the suitcase and carry-on bag are tossed aside on the living room floor as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 collapse on opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 2: I don’t think I’ve ever been so drained after getting away from it all.

Sibling 1: Hm.  But you had a good time, though.

Sibling 2: I had a great time.  I’ll tell you all about it and show you photos when I’ve fully reset from the jet lag.

Sibling 1: Cool.

Sibling 2: And I got you some extra souvenirs for watching the house and driving me to and from the airport and all that.

Sibling 1: Sweet.  You didn’t have to, though.

Sibling 2: Yes I did.

Sibling 1: Well, sorry I turned out not to be the best back-up house sitter, but I managed not to burn the place down, so there’s that.

Sibling 2: That you did… not.  (Sighs in contentment and looks around the living room) After such a nice trip, it’s good to be back.  (Chuckles) Kind of afraid to look at how much mail’s waiting for me, though.

Sibling 1: (Eyes widen) Be right back – forgot something in the car.  (Runs out of the room)

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and smiles as the front door opens and there are noises of scrambling and falling items by the mailbox) Yep – good to be back.