Story 646: The Back-up House Sitter

 FRIDAY 

(On the living room floor in house, Sibling 2 is rolling up clothes into teeny-tiny balls and shoving as many of them as possible into an average-sized suitcase)

Sibling 2: (Using entire body to push the giant pile into all available spaces and then shove the cover down on top) C’mon…. (Quickly zips up the bulging suitcase) Yes!  Ha!  (Suddenly sees a toiletry bag and a pair of dress shoes that were on the floor just out-of-sight) Dangit!  (Starts unzipping the suitcase, then stops to check a text message alert, eyes widening while reading) Oh no – oh no – oh no-no-no-no-no – (Interrupted by the phone ringing, Sibling 2 hesitates slightly before answering it) Hiiiii – oh, there they go.  (Stares at the clothes balls that escaped from the suitcase)

Sibling 1: (Reclined on a couch in an apartment, watching TV and eating potato chips) Huh?

Sibling 2: Never mind – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Not much, just wondering if you’re not busy this weekend and wanted to hang out.

Sibling 2: (Props phone onto shoulder against ear to shove clothes back into the suitcase) Ha-ha, you’re hilarious.

Sibling 1: (Chews) Naw, I mean it – I’m actually off on Saturday and got nothing planned, so you wanna go out to the arcade or the movies or something?

Sibling 2: (Freezes in disbelief) Are you serious right now?!

Sibling 1: (Dumps the rest of the bag’s contents into mouth) Of course.  Nothing different than what we normally do, though it is a little last-minute, sorry.

Sibling 2: (Slowly stands and speaks with control) Tomorrow, you’re driving me to the airport for me to get to the cruise ship.  For my vacation, that I’ve been planning for over a year.

Sibling 1: (Freezes mid-chew, then swallows) That’s tomorrow?

Sibling 2: YES!

Sibling 1: Guess that’s why I’m off from work then, huh.

Sibling 2: I guess so!

Sibling 1: Ah jeez, I thought it was next month, you know, since it’s an end-of-summer vacation and all that.

Sibling 2: This week is the end of summer!  Unofficially.

Sibling 1: (Leans very far back over an arm of the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen, then returns to reclining) Oh yeah – time flies.

Sibling 2: You know, I would say “Unbelievable”, but knowing you, it is believable, and I think the word I’m really looking for is “Typical”.

Sibling 1: (Rips open a bag of popcorn and starts working on that) Whelp, no harm, no foul: now it’s ingrained in my mind to pick you up for the airport run tomorrow – 3 p.m., right?

Sibling 2: (Sighs in relief) Yes, thank you, I do appreciate it.  I’d drive myself if the parking fees didn’t cost almost as much as the flight.

Sibling 1: Yeah – I’d even fly you myself if my pilot’s license hadn’t been revoked.  [Crunch-crunch]

Sibling 2: (Resumes struggling with the suitcase) I don’t even wanna go there.  This trip is costing me a fortune just getting there and back, so I hope it’s worth it.

Sibling 1: Well, I’m glad you’re finally going on this trip; you’ve been wanting to go for years.

Sibling 2: Yeah, I kept letting things get in the way, and then one day I realized I’m not getting any younger and there’ll eventually be a point where I can’t go on trips like this anymore, so I’d better stop putting it off, you know?

Sibling 1: Definitely!  We’re all born with a ticking clock: we just don’t know when it’ll wind down, or if something’ll smash it instead.

Sibling 2: That’s… profoundly disturbing.

Sibling 1: OR: disturbingly profound.

Sibling 2: OK, enough of that: the point is, with the plane costs and the hotel costs and the cruise costs and the excursion costs and all the other costs along the way, I gotta save where I can, although the house sitting part was an unexpected add-on I almost forgot about, and now I just got a message with a last-minute cancellation and I’ve gotta scramble to find someone else.  (Shoves shoes into the suitcase toe-first)

Sibling 1: Hold on: “house sitting”?  (Slurps a drink through a straw)

Sibling 2: Yeah, since I’m gonna be away for over a week, I got some service to take care of the lawn and the plants and make sure the place doesn’t get robbed and all that.  At least I did, up until right before you called about five minutes ago.  (Sits on the closed suitcase to zip it up again)

Sibling 1: (Sits up with a furrowed brow) And you’re paying someone to do that?!

Sibling 2: (Stops zipping) Yes…?

Sibling 1: Dude!  Why?!  I’d do it for you for free!

Sibling 2: (Fidgets with the zipper) Uh, well, I didn’t want to ask, I know you’re busy –

Sibling 1: Not too busy for my own flesh and blood!  And outside of work, I’m really not busy, ever.

Sibling 2: (Fidgeting with the suitcase locks) Well, that’s OK, you’re already doing the airport bit, I didn’t want to bother you with the house too, or bother Mom and Dad, either.

Sibling 1: (Stands and paces in excitement) Nonsense!  It’ll be a vacation for me also, away from the mundanity of my humdrum life!  Just give me a list of what you were gonna have the other folks do and I’ll take care of everything!  Ooh, this’ll be so much fun!

Sibling 2: Uh, I don’t know….

Sibling 1: (Stops pacing) What, you don’t think I can handle it?

Sibling 2: Well, frankly, you didn’t even remember I was going away tomorrow when you are the one taking me there!

Sibling 1: (Waves a hand dismissively) Oh, that – I remembered in general, I just lost track of the specifics.  Now, it’s all settled: get your money back for getting cancelled on, put it toward souvenirs for yourself, and write up what you want me to do at the house and make sure there’s enough dessert that I can get to and I’ll handle the rest, all right, OK, byeeeeeee!!!!  (Ends the call, skips to the bedroom, and throws clothes into an overnight bag)

Sibling 2: (Tosses the phone onto the rug and slumps off the suitcase) I may regret this. 

SATURDAY 

(At an airport drop-off lane for departures, Sibling 1 forces Sibling 2’s car into a space between a giant truck and a giant van)

Sibling 1: (Gets out of the driver side and stares at a plane taking off while Sibling 2 dashes out of the passenger side to grab the bursting suitcase and a carry-on bag from the trunk) You ever wonder why it’s called an “airport” and not an “airplane port”?

Sibling 2: (Pauses briefly while hoisting out the suitcase) What?

Sibling 1: I mean, there’s “train station”; why not “airplane station”?  We’re not flying, the planes are.  And it sounds like it’s a port made up of air rather than a port to the air.

Sibling 2: (Slams the trunk door shut) Yeah, I’m not gonna miss this while I’m gone.  You’ll be OK getting home?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, it’s just rush hour on the turnpike – I tune that all out.

Sibling 2: Thought so.  (They hug, then Sibling 2 starts heading over to one of the entrance doors) I’ll let you know when I get there!

Sibling 1: Thanks!  Have a great time!  And don’t worry about a thing here while you’re gone!  (Waves at Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: (Waves back with a grimace) Thanks!  (Turns away and mutters) I’ll try not to.

(On the line for Security, Sibling 2 is almost up to the screening section when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Answering the call; in a low voice) Hi, everything OK?  You back at the house yet?

Sibling 1: (On the phone at Sibling 2’s front door) Yeah, everything’s fine – just wondering where you leave your house key?

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes in exasperation) I gave you a house key years ago.

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, that’s… somewhere, so I’m looking for the key you leave here, like under a fake rock or a fake tree or something like that.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth) I never leave a key under a fake anything.

Sibling 1: Got it.  You didn’t board yet, right?

Sibling 2: No…?!

Sibling 1: Great – I’ll pop back over there in about an hour and you can just toss the key you used earlier over the security rope –

Sibling 2: (Extremely calm) Go to Mom and Dad and get their key, OK?

Sibling 1: Eh, I don’t want them pitying me.

Sibling 2: I don’t care!

Sibling 1: Well I do.

Sibling 2: You – !

Sibling 1: (Suddenly pulls out a giant ring of keys from a pants pocket) Oh, wait, never mind, key’s right here, forgot I had this whole thing.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth again) Are you sure?

Sibling 1: You bet!  (Props phone on shoulder against ear and starts flipping through the many keys, one by one) It’s alllllll under control….

Sibling 2: Good.  Good-bye.  (Ends the call, then turns to a security agent at a counter) House-sitting family member.

Security Agent: You have my sympathies. 

SUNDAY 

(Text messages)                                                         

                                                                                    Sibling 2:

                                                                                    1:30 a.m.

                                                                                    I landed!

Sibling 1:

1:30 a.m.

Great!

                                                                                    1:31 a.m.

                                                                                    Sorry if I woke you!

1:31 a.m.

Nope, I’m up!

                                                                                    Have a good night, then!

1:32 a.m.

Hah, you mean morning, don’t you? LOL                

                                                                                    1:32 a.m.

                                                                                    I have no idea what time it is

                                                                                    right now

            1:33 a.m.

Know the feeling. Sleep well, and have fun!

                                                                                    1:33 a.m.

                                                                                    Thanks!

                                                                                   

                                                                                    9:45 a.m.

                                                                                    Almost forgot – did you set

                                                                                    the alarm before you went to bed?

 

                                                                                    9:46 a.m.

                                                                                    You awake?

            9:47 a.m.

            ….

                                                                                                9:48 a.m.

                                                                                                Are you OK?

            9:48 a.m.

            K        

                                                                                                9:49 a.m.

                                                                                                Read my earlier message again 

                                                                                                when you’re fully conscious – I’m 

                                                                                                off to dinner, bye!

            10:10 a.m.

            K

 MONDAY 

(Sibling 2 is on an upper deck of a cruise ship as it slowly leaves port at the start of the voyage, leaning on a railing while taking in the view, and then the dials Sibling 1 for a video call)

Sibling 2: Hi!  Sorry, are you at work?

Sibling 1: (Holding the phone extremely close up) Not until tonight!  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: We’re off!  (Pans the phone around to show the receding shoreline and the open sea)

Sibling 1: Wow, the water there is so blue!

Sibling 2: (Faces the phone back to self) I know, right?  I’ll take lots of pictures so it’ll almost be like you’re here!

Sibling 1: Great, `cause I’m sure as heck never getting myself out there!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah.  So, how’s everything at the old homestead?

Sibling 1: (Distractedly) Oh, it’s all good, all good….

Sibling 2: Is anything wrong?

Sibling 1: Oh no, not “wrong”, per se….

Sibling 2: But…?

Sibling 1: Well, while we’re on the subject of water – hypothetically speaking, if there was, say… a leak somewhere –

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and lowers head) Oh no.

Sibling 1: Totally not my hypothetical fault, by the way, but if there was, what kind of person would you call if something like that were to may or may not happen, say?

Sibling 2: (Wearily raises head) A plumber.

Sibling 1: Yes, that’s what I thought – and the number for such a person would be…?

Sibling 2: On the list that’s posted on the fridge.

Sibling 1: Right!  Well, good to know on the off-chance I ever need to call such an individual – which I shouldn’t!  (A towel briefly crosses the screen)

Sibling 2: Just turn the shut-off valve on whatever’s the nearest pipe to the issue and send me the bill later.

Sibling 1: Oh good, thanks – I mean, don’t think about anything here at all, and focus on the great time you’re having on the party ship, bye-bye-bye!  (Ends the call with an off-screen splash)

(Sibling 2 pockets the phone with a sigh and leans head against the railing)

Server: (Holds a tray of glasses out to Sibling 2) Drink?

Sibling 2: (Looks up at Server) No thanks, but right now I wish I did. 

WEDNESDAY 

(On a beach, Sibling 2 stares at the gentle waves from a lounge chair)

Sibling 2: That really is a lot of blue…. (Phone rings; Sibling 2 sits up suddenly and answers) Oh no, what now?

Sibling 1: What, I can’t call just to say “Hi”?

Sibling 2: Not when I’m supposed to be relaxing, and you never call just to say “Hi”.

Sibling 1: True – who does, anyway?

Sibling 2: So, what disaster now?

Sibling 1: Worst case scenario there; I’m only curious where you get your ice cream, that’s all.

Sibling 2: …There was a full gallon in the freezer.

Sibling 1: Yes.  There was.

Sibling 2: I’m sure you’ll figure out how to go on – bye.  (Ends the call and lies back down with eyes closed) I’ll be shocked if there’s any food left in the house by the time I get back. 

FRIDAY 

(Sibling 2 walks through hills of ruins, pondering the ephemerality of life, when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Sighs) Almost wish I didn’t spring for the international plan and just stayed on radio silence this whole time.  (Answers the phone) Everything OK?

Sibling 1: What makes you think something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Gee, I don’t know, precedence?!

Sibling 1: OK, you got me there.  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: Surrounded by an ancient city destroyed by time, and at the moment wishing I could join them.

Sibling 1: Hilarious.  Weather there nice?

Sibling 2: Very hot, but there’s a breeze from the sea every so often.

Sibling 1: Oh good: enjoy it.

Sibling 2: That sounds ominous: why?

Sibling 1: Because by my count, back home we’ve had 15 thunderstorms in seven days, 11 of which have flooded pretty much everything.

Sibling 2: The house flooded?!

Sibling 1: What?  Oh no, the house is fine – everything else around here flooded though, including my car.

Sibling 2: What about my car?

Sibling 1: Haven’t touched it – it’s high up the driveway so it should be fine.

Sibling 2: “Haven’t touched”…?  I asked you to take it out around the block by Wednesday!

Sibling 1: What, like out for a walk?

Sibling 2: For a drive, doofus!  I don’t want a dead battery by the time I get back!  It was on the list you told me to give you!

Sibling 1: …Oh right, guess I missed that one.

Sibling 2: It’s OK, just – wait, if it’s been constantly pouring rain like you said, I hope you also ignored the part that said to water the plants every other day?

Sibling 1: …Oh my, I see a neighbor needing their car bailed out on the street, gotta go!  (Ends the call)

Sibling 2: (To the ruins) Can I stay here?  (The phone rings again; Sibling 2 answers) What.

Sibling 1: Almost forgot – reason I called: if, hypothetically speaking, there was an oversight one night where the side gate was left open, about how many furry creatures of varying sizes and temperaments are you comfortable with hanging out in the backyard?  In theory?

Sibling 2: …I’m going back to hanging out with a fallen civilization now – bye.  (Ends the call and pockets the phone, then looks out to the horizon) Sing in me, Muse, of helpless relatives…. 

SATURDAY 

            (Text messages)

                                                                                                Sibling 2:

                                                                                                10:30 p.m.

                                                                                                I landed!

            Sibling 1:

            10:30 p.m.

            Yay!  Glad that all went well and you’re

            back safe and sound!

                                                                                                10:31 p.m.

                                                                                               Yes, thankfully!  So, I should be 

                                                                                               done with Customs and getting 

                                                                                               my luggage in about an hour, so 

                                                                                               I’ll wait where you originally

                                                                                               dropped me off, probably by 

                                                                                               11:30, OK?

            10:32 p.m.

            ….

                                                                                                10:33 p.m.

                                                                                                You forgot you also have to

                                                                                                PICK ME UP FROM 

                                                                                                THE AIRPORT, didn’t you

            10:34 p.m.

            OF COURSE NOT!!!

                                                                                                10:34 p.m.

                                                                                                Uh huh

            10:35 p.m.

            Hypothetically speaking, which airport

                                                                                                10:35 p.m.

                                                                                                I have to deplane now –

                                                                                                check the flight details 

                                                                                                I sent you and I’ll call 

                                                                                                when I’m outside – bye

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

(Back at Sibling 2’s house, the suitcase and carry-on bag are tossed aside on the living room floor as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 collapse on opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 2: I don’t think I’ve ever been so drained after getting away from it all.

Sibling 1: Hm.  But you had a good time, though.

Sibling 2: I had a great time.  I’ll tell you all about it and show you photos when I’ve fully reset from the jet lag.

Sibling 1: Cool.

Sibling 2: And I got you some extra souvenirs for watching the house and driving me to and from the airport and all that.

Sibling 1: Sweet.  You didn’t have to, though.

Sibling 2: Yes I did.

Sibling 1: Well, sorry I turned out not to be the best back-up house sitter, but I managed not to burn the place down, so there’s that.

Sibling 2: That you did… not.  (Sighs in contentment and looks around the living room) After such a nice trip, it’s good to be back.  (Chuckles) Kind of afraid to look at how much mail’s waiting for me, though.

Sibling 1: (Eyes widen) Be right back – forgot something in the car.  (Runs out of the room)

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and smiles as the front door opens and there are noises of scrambling and falling items by the mailbox) Yep – good to be back.

Story 645: Nothing Should Last Forever

            “Ahhhhhhhh, I wish I could stay like this forever.”

“Hm?”

“You know, relaxing on beach chairs in the shaded Sun and a gentle breeze, watching the water gently lapping at the shoreline, cool lemonade in hand, listening to the gulls and crows and what-not.”

“Crows?  On the beach?... Oh yeah, they’re here too, imagine that.”

“As I was saying: everything right now is Perfection with a capital ‘P’, and I wish we could stay like this forever.”

“Huh, yeah, no you don’t.”

“EXCUSE me?!  I think I know what I’m talking about?!”

“You sure think you do.”

“OK, All-Mighty Omniscience, whyever would I not want to stay in Paradise forever?!”

“First of all: you said it was ‘Perfection.’”

“Seriously?!”

“And secondly: you’d get tired of it.”

“No I wouldn’t!  I love every single moment we’re in right now!  Well, not this exact moment since you’re ruining it, but all the ones before it and the ones soon to come afterward!”

“Yeah, but that only lasts for so long.  Soon enough, you’ll get muscle cramps, or it’ll feel too hot, or it’ll get too cold when the Sun starts setting, or you’ll start getting hungry and want dinner, or you’ll get tired and want to go sleep in your bed.”

“Fine-fine, I get where some of that stuff comes into play, so theoretically, if nothing in our circumstances in this moment could change, then I wish we could stay like this forever.”

“Yeah, no – you’d get bored.”

“I would not!”

“You would too: anyone would if they were stuck in the same position forever.  You didn’t even bring a book to read.”

“Because this time I wanted to truly appreciate the beauty of Nature!”

“And if you never move from this spot ever again, you’d better over-appreciate this exact segment of Nature `cause that’s all you’ll experience for the rest of your existence.  Which apparently is forever, according to you.”

“I – but – Perfection – !”

“There’s no such thing.”

“…You ruin everything, you know that?”

“Here, go watch those dolphins who decided to frolic in the waves all of a sudden.”

“Ooh, dolphins, they’re absolutely Perfect!”

Story 644: Yoga on the Beach Can Be More Stressful Than You’d Think

             (On a beach at sunrise, Student 1 carries a beach towel and trots quickly over to a small group by the shoreline, where Teacher is facing away from the water and the other Students are facing toward the water; all are seated crossed-legged on beach towels, eyes closed and hands facing up on top of knees)

Student 1: (Waving to Teacher while tripping over the shifting sands) Hi!  Sorry – hi!  Sorry I’m late – the walk from the street to here was a lot longer than I thought.

Teacher: (Eyes still closed) No worries – (Gestures to an open binder on the sand nearby) you only missed a minute of meditation but your credit card will be charged the full amount regardless – please sign in and set up your towel anywhere you’d like, then join us in a few moments of stillness before class begins.

Student 1: (Bends down to sign the binder, then backs up while half-bowing several times and trying to avoid the other Students) Sorry – thank you – sorry – Namaste –

Teacher: That’s at the end.

Student 1: Right.  (Quickly opens up the towel and sets it down at the back of the group and rushes into lotus pose to match the others)

Teacher: (After another minute, opens eyes and stands; the rest follow) Now: let’s begin with a Sun Salutation.

(As the Students follow along with the sequences, a large beach cleaning machine noisily travels back-and-forth behind them in two-minute intervals)

Teacher: (Flows into Warrior 1 pose) Ignore that, and focus on the soothing sounds of the gentle ocean waves. 

(As the Students face the ocean during Warrior 1 pose, a jet boat plows across their view as it releases someone parasailing while screaming into the sky)

Teacher: (Flowing to Warrior 2 pose then to triangle pose) Maybe focus on the gulls instead.

(Laughing gulls sweep by close overhead; one neatly swoops down and snatches up a bagel that Student 2 had set on the edge of a towel)

Student 2: (Windmills arms to reach out while still half-upside-down in triangle pose and falls over) Hey!  That’s my breakfast!

Teacher: (Leading the rest of the Students to chair pose) One must secure one’s food at all times when one is one with Nature.

Student 2: (Grumbling while following the others from chair pose to Warrior 3 pose) One’s bagel being stolen sure means I’m out five ones.

(Beach cleaning machine gradually gets closer to the group on each pass as lifeguards run nearby before their shift starts)

Teacher: Now: this is a little tricky on sand, but try for tree pose wherever you can plant your right foot on your left leg; bring hands to prayer.

(Students try to place their right foot on their left ankle, knee, or thigh while standing; several fall over)

Teacher: (Standing straight and still with right foot on left thigh and hands together at heart level) Alas.

Head Lifeguard: (Blows a whistle to stop the jogging group right next to the yoga class) Here’s good: now drop and give me 50!

(Lifeguards drop and give 50 push-ups with loud effort)

Teacher: (Briefly gives Head Lifeguard a withering look, then addresses Students) Same flow, second side. 

(They repeat the previous flow on the opposite side and end at tree pose with the left foot on the right leg; several fall over again)

Teacher: (Standing straight and still with left foot on right thigh and hands together at heart level) Don’t punish yourselves.

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of six!  -----, party of six!>

Teacher: OK!  (Strains to be heard over the rumbling beach cleaning machine, laughing gulls, exercising lifeguards, and crackling loudspeaker) Time for some backbends.

Students: WHAT?!

Teacher: BACK!  BENDS!  Please.

(Teacher and Students lie on their backs on the towels and then go into bridge pose – a laughing gull suddenly flies through the small gaps that five students in a row have made with their bodies, cackling loudly)

Students 3 – 7: (Simultaneously drop back to the ground): AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Teacher: (Staring at the laughing gull now in the distance) I don’t believe it.  (To Students) PAY NO HEED TO ANY DISTRACTIONS –

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -------, party of 10!  -------, party of 10!>

Teacher: – AND TAKE THREE FIGURATIVE OCEAN BREATHS WHILE LISTENING TO THE ACTUAL OCEAN AS WE HOLD THIS POSE!

(Fallen Students resume the pose and everyone starts taking deep and regular breaths in, then out)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of 22!  -----, party of 22!>

(Beach cleaning machine rumbles to a stop right behind the class)

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Leaning out the driver’s side window) You folks gonna be much longer here?  I gotta finish this section in the next five minutes.

Teacher: (Springs up to stand) YOU KNOW THIS CLASS ENDS AT 9 A.M. EVERY DAY, DUDE!

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: Yeeesh, I’ll come back later, then.  (Noisily continues down the beach past the group)

Teacher: (Gently lies back down on the towel as a noisy propeller plane with an ad banner flies low overhead) AND NOW, CORPSE POSE.

Students: (Simultaneously raise their heads) WHAT???!!!

Teacher: SHAVASANA!

Students: OH, OK.  (They abruptly lie flat, arms and legs relaxed on the ground and eyes closed)

Head Lifeguard: (Blows whistle again; to lifeguards) Burpees!  I want at least 75 burpees from all of you, in the high-tide surf!  (Lifeguards splash into the surf and starting jumping up and dropping down over and over in the water, churning up the waves)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of 42!  -----, party of 42!>

(Jogger with a blaring radio runs through the gaps between the Students’ towels)

Jogger: (Singing along) <PARTY ONNNNN – ALL NIGHT LOOOOOONG!!!>

(A laughing gull lands on Student 1’s bare foot)

Student 1: (Head shoots up to stare at the sedate gull) Ummmm…. (Frantically tries to shake the gull off)

Teacher: (Lifts up head and sees the gull holding onto Student 1’s foot) For the love of – (Reaches into a bag, rips off a piece of bread, and throws it toward the water near the lifeguards; gull flies off Student 1’s foot and is joined by 10 other gulls that suddenly appear as they all noisily fight over the food scraps while avoiding the jumping lifeguards; to Student 1) YOU OK?

Student 1: (Shakily lies back down) I AM NOW, THANKS!

Teacher: GOOD.  (Also lies back down)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < ------, party of 65!  ------, party of 65!>

Head Lifeguard: (Blows whistle again; to lifeguards) Run in place, in the water, five minutes, go!

(Lifeguards go splash-splash-splash-splash-)

(Beach cleaning machine pulls up behind the group from the opposite direction)

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Leans across the passenger seat to yell out the window) Got an ETA now?!

Teacher: (Quickly sits up to lotus pose with hands together at heart level; Students follow) BREATHE IN – BREATHE OUT – NAMASTE – DONE!  (Quickly stands; to Beach Cleaning Machine Driver) HAPPY??!!

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Sadly) Never.  (Resignedly continues the eternal circuit up-and-down the beach)

(Beachgoers in nearby areas start playing different types of music very loudly)

Teacher: (Hands gripped together tightly) THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME FOR SOME SERENITY THIS MORNING; I HOPE IT BROUGHT YOU SOME SEMBLANCE OF PEACE FOR THE DAY!

Student 8: You know –

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < ----, party of one!  ----, party of one!>

Student 8: – I’m actually feeling even more stressed out than when we started –

Teacher: NO REFUNDS!

Story 643: Nothing Bothers Me When I’m on Vacation

             (In an office)

Manager: (Pausing while passing by with a glass of water) What’re you smiling so inanely about?

Vacationer: (Smiling inanely at the computer while slowly typing one key every few seconds) Oh, just thinking that 24 hours from now, I’ll be on the beach, totally relaxed, not a care in the world, that sort of thing.

Manager: Yeah, that’s great – you still have the quarterly budget report to submit before the end of the day since you’ll be gone when it’s due.

Vacationer: (Smiling and typing uninterrupted) No… worries… all… will… be… well….

Manager: Hm.  Wish I could feel that way when I go on vacation; people always act like I’m on-call 24/7 no matter what. 

 

(On a backed-up parkway the next day, Vacationer’s car inches slowly among the blaring horns, yelling drivers, and blazing heat from the Sun above and the pavement below)

Voice on the Radio: – and would you believe it, yet another accident, this time at Exit 98 and involving 10 cars and a tractor trailer!  Shockingly, only minor injuries have been reported, but folks, this is gonna add at least another hour to the record-breaking ONE-HUNDRED-mile backup on the parkway – my suggestion, take the highways; at this point, the traffic lights have gotta be faster than this sea of molasses –

Vacationer: (Smiling gently while staring through the surrounding chaos, then full-body sighs) Ahhhhhhh… vacation…. (Switches from the radio station to pre-recorded sounds of ocean waves and seagulls) 

 

(In a hotel room later that day, Vacationer flops backward onto a king-sized bed, closes eyes, and smiles even wider)

Vacationer: Sooo… relaxed….

(After a few moments, a loud SLAM! is heard overhead, followed by slightly muffled voices)

Upstairs Voice 1: I told you to wash off your feet before tromping sand all over the place!  Look at this mess!

Upstairs Voice 2: I forgot!

Upstairs Voice 1: Well, DO IT NOW!  This was a nice clean room when we got here, and in the space of five minutes it’s become an absolute pigsty!  And that’s insulting the pigs!

Upstairs Voice 3: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Cries continue as a backing track to the rest of the conversation)

Upstairs Voice 1: Look what you did!  No one’ll get any sleep tonight!

Upstairs Voice 2: Can I have candy now?

Upstairs Voice 1: You’re lucky if I let you have candy EVER AGAIN!

Upstairs Voice 4: I’m goin’ to the mini-golf course – anyone wanna come?

Upstairs Voice 2: (With banging sounds while jumping up and down) Oooh!  Oooh!  Me!  Me!

Upstairs Voice 1: No mini-golf until you wash off this filth!

Upstairs Voice 2: It’s called The Ocean!  It’s Nature, so it’s natural!

Upstairs Voice 1: And it’s polluted with your mess, now WASH!  IT!  OFF!!!

Upstairs Voice 3: (Louder) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Vacationer: (Slowly opens eyes as Upstairs Voices continue without breaks, smile never fading) Sooooooooooo… relaxed…. 

 

(On the beach later that afternoon, Vacationer sits on a recliner near the shoreline and reads a book; an umbrella planted in the sand next to the chair starts rocking back and forth faster and faster as winds pick up speed)

Lifeguard: (Whistles loudly at the nearby swimmers and waves arms gesturing that they come ashore) Everyone out of the water!  Massive thunderstorm off the port bow!  (Points to giant dark clouds filled with rain and lightning that are speeding toward the beach)

(Everyone rushes out of the water, screaming and scooping up their supplies before running inland)

Vacationer: (Looks around at the mass exodus and then at the approaching thunderstorm, then reclines the chair back farther as the rain begins, sighing contentedly) Wonderful: have the place all to myself now.

Laughing Seagull: (Glances at the crowds and at Vacationer before taking flight as far away from the ocean as possible) HA – HA – HA – HAA – HAA – HAA!  [Humans really are the dopiest species on this planet] 

 

(In a restaurant that evening, Vacationer eats at a small table located in the middle of the main floor, surrounded by screaming kids, boisterous adults, frantic servers, and karaoke night)

Vacationer: (Takes a bite out of the entrée and closes eyes in satisfaction as “Happy Birthday” at a nearby table competes with a bachelorette party on stage) Mmm… perfection….  (Gently sips a mocktail as a place setting crashes to the floor nearby) 

 

(On the hotel property during the next sunny day, Vacationer sits on a lounge chair in front of the ground floor room, facing the pool and the common lawn for all the other rooms,  and reading a different book.  A heated cornhole competition is being held directly in front of Vacationer’s chair, the lifeguardless pool is over-capacity with adults and children playing shoulder wars, tag, and catch at the same time, someone strung up a volleyball net on something and began a game where the ball keeps hitting the rooms’ walls and glass sliding doors, and several stereo systems playing different genres of music are blasting from around the property and within the pool)

Vacationer: (Closes eyes and smiles dreamily, setting the book on stomach and folding arms behind head) Hmmm… think I’ll take a nap…. (Chuckles as a volleyball bounces off an elbow)

 

(At the hotel check-in/check-out counter several days later)

Clerk: That settles up your bill, then.  Did you enjoy your stay with us?

Vacationer: (Smile has faded a bit) Extremely.  I just have one complaint, though.

Clerk: The other guests?  They were especially awful this week, I know – most of them checked out yesterday, and I can finally hear again without a ringing in my ears.

Vacationer: No, it’s just – this was a vacation.

Clerk: Yes?

Vacationer: And now, it’s over.

Clerk: …Yes?

Vacationer: Well that’s the problem, now isn’t it.

Clerk: Ah, yes: such is life, I suppose.

Vacationer: I suppose.  Farewell, Temporary Paradise, then.  (Carries luggage out of the office, then stops to stare at the shore town’s main avenue and the beach with the Sun shining down on the waves, then breathes in the relaxed air of contentment one last time) If only I could bottle this feeling and take it once daily – I think that would solve pretty much everything.

Story 642: Midsummer or Mid-Summer?

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit in beach chairs facing a lake in a park and read beach-read books)

Friend 1: (Lowers the book to watch a duck land in the water and start taking a bath; to Friend 2) When is Midsummer anyway?

Friend 2: (Without looking up from reading) Northern Hemisphere or Southern?

Friend 1: Ha-ha.  (After a few moments of silence) Northern.

Friend 2: (Sets aside the book and takes out a cell phone) Well, let’s consult the Oracle, shall we?  If I can get a signal out here.  (Searches online for a minute) OK, got it: summer solstice.

Friend 1: What?!  That can’t be right.

Friend 2: (Holds out the phone to Friend 1) Oracle says so right here.

Friend 1: (Takes the phone, skims the online encyclopedia article, and hands the phone back to Friend 2) That makes no sense – why would people celebrate Midsummer at the beginning of summer?!

Friend 2: (Skims through the rest of the article) Says here the festival’s in the middle of the growing season.

Friend 1: Exactly: so why isn’t it called Midgrowing, then?

Friend 2: (Types a bit) I guess “Midsommar” has a nicer ring to it than “Mellanväxt”.

Friend 1: That’s not a real reason.

Friend 2: (Returns to the original article) Says here that it also celebrates the longest day of the year at the beginning of summer.

Friend 1: Yes, again, the beginning of summer, so why isn’t it – hang on – (Takes out a cell phone and types a bit) “Bӧrjan Av Sommaren”?

Friend 2: I dunno; go ask Scandinavian countries centuries ago when it all started.

Friend 1: (Nods and begins typing)

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1’s phone) I was being facetious – that wasn’t an invitation for you to cause an international incident.

Friend 1: Oh fine.  (Grabs the phone back and pockets it) So, going back to my original question: when is the midpoint of summer?

Friend 2: The exact middle of the season itself?

Friend 1: Exactly.

Friend 2: August 7.

Friend 1: (Blinks in shock) Wow – how did you know that precise date off the top of your head?

Friend 2: I read about it during summer vacation when I was 13, and I remembered it ever since.

Friend 1: Rought summer?

Friend 2: You have no idea.

Friend 1: Yeesh.  Well, good to know, thanks.

Friend 2: Why do you want to know, anyway?

Friend 1: (Stares out at the lake as more ducks arrive to bathe) Oh, just curious how much more of this glorious, magical season I have to enjoy, that’s all.

Friend 2: We’re in the middle of July.

Friend 1: (Wistfully) I know.

Friend 2: August 7 is weeks away, and even then you’d still have another month before the start of school that you no longer go to but still use as a benchmark for your year.

Friend 1: (Sighingly) I know.

Friend 2: Then why aren’t you enjoying this – (Waves an arm up at the blazing Sun and the cloudless sky and the chirping birds and the gentle breeze and the swaying trees and the green grass all around them) now?

Friend 1: I would, it’s just… fall will be here soon enough –

Friend 2: Oh, jeez.

Friend 1: And it’s supposed to thunderstorm the rest of the week, and possibly even flood because of all the drought we’ve had lately.

Friend 2: Well… we do… need the rain….

Friend 1: Yes, but must we need it right now?

Friend 2: …Yes….

Friend 1: Doesn’t it know I’m on staycation this week?

Friend 2: I… don’t think “it” cares….

Friend 1: Well then.  The entire summer, gone in a downpour flash.

Friend 2: Not the entire summer.  And not today.

Friend 1: (Grudgingly) No, not today.

Friend 2: (Staring at the ducks with Friend 1 for a few moments) Even though it’s not Midsommar or Mid-Summer, you wanna celebrate regular summer today and go to the promenade by the bay and have some ice cream?

Friend 1: I think that’s the only appropriate response to this situation, yes.