Story 442: Hair in the Eye of the Beholder

 (In Friend 1’s apartment, an alarm radio goes off in the morning)

Radio DJ: – enough of you ungrateful listeners: I come in here at 6 a.m. every weekday on two hours’ sleep and have to scream like a maniac for nearly four hours straight; and my day doesn’t end at 10 a.m., oh no, I’ve still got hours of show planning and ad recordings and all those extra events the station hosts, and all of you at home in your cozy PJs and hot coffee and burnt toast have the nerve to call me lazy?!  You have no idea, no idea –

Friend 1: (Had opened one eye while listening, then slams a hand on the radio button to turn it off) Finally lost it, eh?  About time.

(Slowly goes through morning ablutions, eats a minimal breakfast, then double-takes while passing a mirror on the way out the door)

Friend 1: (Peers closer, tugging on a long lock of hair) Ew, gettin’ a little shaggy and gross there, my friend.  Guess I’ll have to schedule a haircut soon.  (Thinks about everything involved in that ordeal) Ughhhh….  (Leaves for work)

(At an office, Friend 1 walks with Coworker to a conference room)

Friend 1: I can’t take much more of these consultant meetings – I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m interviewing for my own job.

Coworker: I think we are, actually.

Friend 1: Oh.  Well that’s a bummer.

Coworker: Yeah, that’s why I’ve been dressing a little more business and a little less casual lately – (Stops to straighten suit jacket) Do I look all right?

Friend 1: (Also stops and does a quick appraisal) Yes, you look very professional and job-worthy.  How about me?

Coworker: You look fine.

Friend 1: Doesn’t sound as promising, but thanks.

Coworker: You know, not to get too personal but I love what you’ve done with your hair.

Friend 1: Heh?

Coworker: Did you get it done recently, or do you use a certain product?  It looks fantastic.

Friend 1: …Is this some sort of twisted joke to lighten the ominous mood around here?

Coworker: Not at all – it must’ve taken you hours to get that careless tousled look.  I wish my hair could do that; all I’ve got are tight-ringed curls that always look the same, what a nightmare.

Friend 1: …. (Blinks) …Seriously?!

Coworker: Yes!  What’s the matter?

Friend 1: I haven’t washed my hair in over three days!  Brushing does nothing lately!  It needs to be mowed, by a chainsaw!  What on Earth are you going on about?!

Coworker: Oh.  Guess it’s hideous, then.  (Resumes walking to the meeting)

Friend 1: That one’s having a laugh.  (Sees a reflective surface and runs a hand through the mess) Eurgh, it’s feeling greasier by the second.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are in Hour 2 on an advanced trail)

Friend 2: I feel like I could do these trails all day, but if I ever had to do any real hiking, up a mountain or something, I have a sneaking suspicion I wouldn’t make it past the first mile.

Friend 1: Yeah, it’s always best to avoid situations that’d expose our inadequacy.  (Takes off a cap briefly to scratch head)

Friend 2: (Looking over) Oh, wow.

Friend 1: What, it’s not another tick, is it?!

Friend 2: No, nothing like that, it’s just – your hair looks amazing right now, I can’t believe it.

Friend 1: (Stops and stares at Friend 2, who also stops) I thought we’d agreed never to lie to each other.

Friend 2: (Laughs) I’m not, Paranoia: I’d figure with the hat and the sweat it’d be a bit messy, but I think all that’s actually working to make it look nice.  You know, that wavy, windswept, studied indifference look.  Wish I could get mine to do that – right now it’s all stringy and blah.

Friend 1: I don’t get it.

Friend 2: Well, we’ve been walking a long time and I’d rather not take my hat off to show you but –

Friend 1: Not yours, mine!  You’re the second person to say it looks great when I know it’s a disaster!

Friend 2: Doesn’t look like a disaster, though.

Friend 1: How can you say that?!  I haven’t washed it in four days; it hasn’t been styled or even trimmed in over six months; the layers are all grown out and in my eyes; its default mode is oil slick; it looks like garbage and IT FEELS LIKE TRASH!

Friend 2: (Shrugs and continues walking) The combination of all that must be perfect, then.  Although you probably want to wash it more often just for personal hygiene, though.

Friend 1: I’ve been busy!

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (At a hair salon)

Friend 1: (Is led to the hair washing station by a trainee, leans back in the seat, and closes eyes) Ahhhhh, this’ll be a relief, let me tell you.

Trainee: (Laughs obligingly while preparing the shampoo) We aim to please – oh, wow.

Friend 1: (Opens one eye) What?

Trainee: I have to say, your hair looks a-maz-ing like that – you sure you want us to do anything to it?

Friend 1: (Opens other eye) What?!

Trainee: (To Hairdresser passing by) Hey – here’s your 5:30; have you ever seen such locks?

Hairdresser: (Walks over to the other two to look) You know, we’re not supposed to comment on the clients’ appearance – oh, wow.

Trainee: I know, right?!

Hairdresser: Those waves, those layers – (To Friend 1) I have to ask: what’s your secret?

Friend 1: Dirt.

Hairdresser: Hm?

Friend 1: I haven’t washed it in days `cause I was coming here!  To have it washed right now, as a matter of fact!

Hairdresser: Oh.  But those waves….

Friend 1: Untouched by a professional for half a year: what you see before you is the result of extreme negligence and the ravages of time!

Hairdresser: (Pulls out a cell phone) Mind if I take a picture in case other clients want to duplicate this… fantastic look?

Friend 1: (Closes eyes again) Go right ahead.

 THE NEXT DAY

(At a movie theater lobby, Friend 2 sees Friend 1 enter, wearing a hat)

Friend 2: So?  Did you get your hair all fixed to your satisfaction?

Friend 1: I did indeed.  (Whips off the hat to show a short, sharp haircut) It feels wonderful and so freeing – what do you think?

Friend 2: …I think it makes you happy.

Friend 1: That’s a non-answer; you don’t have to love it, but isn’t it at least an improvement over the landfill that was perched on my head before?

Friend 2: Honestly?

Friend 1: Preferably.

Friend 2: I liked it better the way it was before.

Friend 1: Un-freaking-believable.

Story 408: Right Seat, Wrong Theater

 (In a large multiplex, Moviegoer 1 starts down the long hallway, popcorn and ticket stub in hand, toward Theater 2.  Outside Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 sees Moviegoer 2 standing in front of an upcoming blockbuster’s poster and reading the fine print, popcorn and ticket stub also in hand.  The latter sees the former approach and turns in recognition)

Moviegoer 2: Oh, hi there!

Moviegoer 1: Hi!  Oh my gosh, it’s been forever since I’ve seen you – how’ve you been?  (They air hug with the popcorn)

Moviegoer 2: Not bad.  This is actually the first time I’m going to the movies in about, umm, two years?

Moviegoer 1: Wow, really?

Moviegoer 2: Well, I never went much anyway, and then with, you know, everything.

Moviegoer 1: Yeah, everything.

Moviegoer 2: Speaking of which, how’re you doing with… everything?

Moviegoer 1: Oh fine, fine – you?

Moviegoer 2: Same: fine.  (They stare at the muted psychedelic carpet for a few moments) So!

Moviegoer 1: Yes?!

Moviegoer 2: Whatcha going to see?

Moviegoer 1: Oh, the new gore-fest slasher, just in time for Halloween: All I Want Is Blood.  (Holds out the ticket stub to show Moviegoer 2; as they lean in to look, they slowly and unconsciously starting half-circling each other and eventually wind up on opposite sides of where they started)

Moviegoer 2: Nice – I heard that got good reviews.

Moviegoer 1: I know, I can’t wait for the simulated carnage.  You?

Moviegoer 2: (Holds out the ticket stub to show Moviegoer 1) Life, Love, and All That Rigmarole.  It’s a total rom-com, but I heard it leans heavier on the com than on the rom so I figured I’d give it a shot on bargain night.

Moviegoer 1: (Points to the ticket stub) Hey, neat, we have the same seat!  Number.  (Holds out the ticket stub next to the other to show the seat numbers match)

Moviegoer 2: (Looks at both stubs) Well, whaddya know – fate has made… some kind of move, I don’t know.  Your showtime’s starting soon, it looks like.

Moviegoer 1: (Checks watch) Oh yeah, don’t want to miss the trailers, they’re the best part if the movie’s a dud.

Moviegoer 2: Know the feeling.  Whelp, enjoy the movie – maybe we’ll catch up some more on the way out, but if not, have a good night.

Moviegoer 1: (As both walk backward toward the neighboring theater doors) You, too!  Nice talkin’ to you!  (Turns around to walk into Theater 3)

Moviegoer 2: Same here!  (Turns around to walk into Theater 2, muttering) Why do I never remember people’s names?!

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 plops down in the assigned seat and begins munching on the popcorn while watching the continuous commercials.  When the trailers start, Moviegoer 1 checks watch again and frowns at the time)

Moviegoer 1: Huh: more and more trailer time is being devoted to soda ads, I see.

(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 2 enters the darkened room where the trailers have just started, finds the assigned seat after excusing self down a row of seated moviegoers, flops down, begins munching on the popcorn, checks phone, and frowns at the time)

Moviegoer 2: Weird: guess more and more trailers are being shoved in before the showtime start now.  I’ve been out of the multiplex game too long.

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 starts getting bored with the fluffy-goofy trailers and checks phone for updates)

Moviegoer 1: Hmm, this movie’s already got a sequel planned – wonder if that means anyone survives by the end of this one, heh-heh.

Moviegoer 3: (Seated next to Moviegoer 1) Huh?

Moviegoer 1: Just curious whether anyone in this movie’ll make it out alive.

Moviegoer 3: Oh, ha-ha-ha – I’m pretty sure my heart won’t!

Moviegoer 1: Amateur.  If you don’t have the stomach for this kind of thing, you should’ve stayed home!

Moviegoer 3: I know, you’re right, but I can’t help myself: I love these things, it’s almost a compulsion.

Moviegoer 1: Heh, you and me both.  (Eats half the bag of popcorn)

(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 2 cringes as another gore-fest slasher is previewed)

Moviegoer 2: I guess these are all here `cause Halloween’s coming up?

Moviegoer 4: (Seated next to Moviegoer 2) What’s Halloween got to do with it?

Moviegoer 2: …Nothing, apparently.  (The movie begins with no credits – the action starts with a group of nubile campers getting wiped out by a killer lifeguard disguised as a clown) Ugh!  I guess this is the tragic backstory for our heroes?

Moviegoer 4: (Slurps soda) There are no heroes in these things.

Moviegoer 2: Well, that’s certainly true to life.

(In Theater 3, the movie begins with no credits)

Moviegoer 1: FINALLY!

Other Moviegoers: Ssshhh!!!

(The action starts with the main couple’s meet-cute as cosplaying knights at a Renaissance Fair)

Moviegoer 1: (Whispers while finishing off the popcorn) Nerd alert!  They’re gonna be the first to go.

Moviegoer 3: (Already crying; whispers) Oh, I hope so!

(Thirty minutes into each film’s runtime)

(In Theater 2, another faux-teenager gets eviscerated)

Moviegoer 2: (Laughing hysterically) This is such a trip!  And the social commentary is ON POINT!

Moviegoer 4: (Gives Moviegoer 2 the side eye) What?

Moviegoer 2: I feel like we’re drowning in metaphors among all the blood – I’m just rooting for our so-called “Killer” and our so-called “Target” to stop fighting their feelings and just find a way to live happily ever after!  I know it’s inevitable, but there’re always a few complications thrown in that make you wonder, “Oh no, are they ever going to get together by the end?!”

Moviegoer 4: There’s something wrong with you.

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 is leaning on one hand and stifling a yawn)

Moviegoer 3: (Leans over the armrest) I have a horrible feeling the older cousin’s not going to make it.

Moviegoer 1: I sure hope not!  What’s it gonna take for someone to get offed in this thing?!  (Moviegoer 3 backs off.  In the movie, Older Cousin is found to have passed away peacefully during the night) OK, it’s a start!

Moviegoer 3: There’s something wrong with you.

(At the climax of each film)

Moviegoer 2: Why are they not hooking up yet?!

Moviegoer 1: Why is no one getting slaughtered yet?!

(Both are shushed and thrown popcorn at by their fellow moviegoers)

(The end credits roll around the same time for each movie; Moviegoer 1’s and 2’s eyes widen as all is revealed)

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 3 starts to leave with the crowd)

Moviegoer 3: (To Moviegoer 1) Well, that was the most emotionally satisfying thing I’ve seen in a long time.

Moviegoer 1: That makes one of us.

(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 4 starts to leave with the crowd)

Moviegoer 4: (To Moviegoer 2) You know, if serial killer hook-ups are your kink, you might want to stay away from old-school horror films like this.

Moviegoer 2: Half that sentence is absolutely true.

(The crowds pour out of Theaters 2 and 3, with Moviegoer 1 and 2 trailing at the back.  Outside the theaters they spot each other and stop, look up at the movie title sign above their respective theater, then back at each other.  They meet in the middle space between each theater)

Moviegoer 1: Soooooo: fate certainly made a move in making sure no one else had our seat, which would’ve tipped us off before the movie started.

Moviegoer 2: You know, it is an absolute travesty that so few films take the five minutes to show opening credits anymore and insist on going straight into the action instead!

Moviegoer 1: Exactly!  I mean, how else is the audience supposed to know they’re watching the right movie?!

Story 375: How to Pass the Time Before Your Head Is (Figuratively) Taken Off

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is typing agitatedly away as Coworker 2 approaches carrying a large soft drink)

Coworker 2: Haaaaaaappy Friiiidaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!

Coworker 1: (Without looking up) You know that sentiment unreasonably irritates me – we clearly are not happy and want nothing more than for Friday to end.

Coworker 2: Well, just the business-day part of it for us in the office contingent – I felt the same way you do when I worked weekends in retail; Friday nights were just the worst.

Coworker 1: I believe it: I probably was one of your customers.  (An e-mail pops up – Coworker 1 freezes while reading it) Oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: Uh-oh, sounds like that sinking feeling.  What happened?

Coworker 1: The thing – I sent – I forgot – it needs – I missed – on Monday –

Coworker 2: Let me guess: you submitted something that’s due on Monday and just now were reminded that something else is needed for it but since it’s – (Looks at watch) 4:49 on a Friday afternoon it’s too late to add anything and now you’re doomed?

Coworker 1: (Nods a lot with a panicked face) And the worst part is, I’m not the one who’s going to be presenting it; my manager is.

 Coworker 2: Ooh, double whammy.  Now excuses’ll have to be made for your incompetence, but it’ll just look like your manager can’t supervise employees properly.  You’re gonna get yelled at both for messing up and for making the boss look bad – I don’t envy you one bit.

Coworker 1: (Sinks down onto the desk) What-am-I-gonna-do?!  My head’s gonna get taken off!  Again!

Coworker 2: This has happened before?

Coworker 1: A similarly horrific mistake, yes.

Coworker 2: Well, there’re only two things for it: send your manager an e-mail confessing all, and spend the weekend having the time of your life before facing the end on Monday.

Coworker 1: (Sits up again) How can I even think about enjoying myself when I have this hanging over me?!

Coworker 2: Easy: it’s not going anywhere and there’s nothing to be done about it until three days from now, so why spend your remaining moments of non-punishment miserable?  Go wild, I say.  (Looks at watch again) Speaking of, that very nicely ends my shift – bye.  (Leaves, slurping the drink)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the computer monitor for a few moments, then types a reply e-mail) Metaphorical falling-on-my-sword, commence.  (Selects “Send,” sighs dramatically, logs out of the computer, cleans up the desk, and leaves)

 FRIDAY NIGHT

 (Coworker 1 slowly walks to the train station for the commute home, then stops in the middle of the sidewalk to the annoyance of pedestrians everywhere)

Coworker 1: Wait a minute – this is the self-appointed Greatest City in the World!  Why am I heading home to mentally gnaw on work issues when I’m literally in the middle of all this stuff?!  (Runs to the nearest club)

Pedestrian: You go, office drone!  Take the world and give nothing back!

(Coworker 1 spends the evening club-hopping, dancing to loud music, eating delicious junk, and riding home on the late train humming that one song that never leaves)

 SATURDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 sleeps late, then makes a gourmet breakfast before heading to the nearest mountain to ski)

Ski Instructor: And how many lessons have you had prior to this?

Coworker 1: None!  (Crouches into a ball before pushing off to head down the entire mountain)

Ski Instructor: Wait, I didn’t teach you how to fall yet!

(Coworker 1 screams all the way, reaches the bottom, stops safely, and tips over onto a small snowbank)

Coworker 1: (Lying on back and staring at the gray sky) Wheeeee….

 SATURDAY EVENING

 (At a movie theater box office)

Cashier: May I help you?

Coworker 1: Yes, I’d like a ticket to the double-double-feature please, along with five tubs of popcorn and seven gallons of soda.  Oh, and all the candy.

Cashier: (Rings up the ticket) Just a reminder the final show doesn’t let out until 3 a.m., and you have to get all that other stuff at the concession stand.

Coworker 1: (Swipes credit card) Right – it’s been so long since I’ve done this, I thought it was all consolidated to one purchase by now.

Cashier: (Hands over the ticket and receipt) Thankfully not.

(Coworker 1 runs to the concession stand, the unconsumed sugar already kicking in, then sits in a theater getting lost in other worlds for the next six hours)

 SUNDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 joins a group doing yoga on a beach)

Coworker 1: (To Yoga Instructor) I saw some dolphins out there on my way over – will they be joining us like the goats do on those farms?

Yoga Instructor: No, they need to stay in the water.

Coworker 1: Cool – maybe I’ll join them later.

(The group members invert their bodies for the next half hour)

 SUNDAY AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 prepares to tandem skydive out of an airplane)

Skydiving Instructor: (Shouting over the rushing wind and the plane’s engine) Just remember: I’ll be doing all the work, so you literally don’t have to do a single thing except not get sick, if you don’t mind!

Coworker 1: No worries!  I figure if something tragic happens we’ll both go out together, isn’t that comforting?!

Skydiving Instructor: Not really!  (They jump, with Coworker 1 laughing and Skydiving Instructor guiding them and praying all the way down; they arrive back on Earth, intact)

Coworker 1: Yippee, let’s do that again!

Skydiving Instructor: Sure, if you’ve got another $300.00.

Coworker 1: Let’s do that again some other time!  (Separates their harness and rolls around on the ground in glee) I feel so alive, hooray!

Skydiving Instructor: That’s great – listen, I’ve got to get back for the next customer’s once-in-a-lifetime experience, so could you speed this up a bit?

 SUNDAY EVENING

(Coworker 1 curls up on the living room couch with a book and blanket; gentle music is playing in the background and lit candles are everywhere)

Coworker 1: (Engrossed in the novel) Aw, those two finally got together, that feels so fulfilling.  (Suddenly looks up and around) Wait a minute, I’m forgetting something aren’t I?... Of course!  Chocolate!  (Springs off the couch to whip up a hot chocolate bomb that’s all the rage this season, then sinks back onto the couch while smacking lips after the first sip) Ahhhhhhh, I have never felt so satisfied in my entire life since the time before I was kicked out of the womb.

 MONDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 wakes in dread, eats breakfast in dread, rides the train in dread, walks to the office in dread, and approaches Manager’s desk in dread)

Coworker 1: Hi.

Manager: Oh hi, did you have a good weekend?

Coworker 1: The best.  How about you?

Manager: Eh, it was all right – had to spend some of it finishing up the presentation for today.

Coworker 1: About that....

Manager: Yeah?

Coworker 1: Did you get my e-mail on Friday?

Manager: Oh yeah, I wrote back but you’d probably already left for the day – it’s OK you forgot that one section, turns out we don’t really need it for this so it’s no big deal.

Coworker 1: …Oh.  Really?

Manager: Yeah, the rest of it can do without it so it doesn’t matter.  You OK?

Coworker 1: I’m fine, why do you ask?

Manager: Well, you looked like you’ve been thinking all weekend I’d take your head off or something like that.

Coworker 1: The thought never crossed my mind.

Story 367: Time Travel Through Film

 I’m finally going to do it: I’m going to be the first time traveler in history 

The first human time traveler, anyway: those pesky quantum particles already beat us to it, but my achievement’ll make up for that in scale.

Don’t laugh in your self-satisfied derision: I’m deadly serious in my endeavor.  Sure, I never did well in any of my science classes; OK, I never had any interest in quantum physics until just now, when I’ll be working all Thanksgiving weekend and spending that time wishing I was a kid on school break again; all right, I’m taking a totally unscientific approach to the whole thing; but really, when has anything great ever been accomplished without a whole lotta heart, plus a whole dose of gut feeling?  Did human beings make it all the way to the Moon using dry old MATH?!

They did?  Onward.

My method is simple: no fancy machines, no complicated serum, no incomprehensible formulae – just simple, exact duplication of events as they previously occurred.  Once that is achieved, the Brain will take care of the rest.

I concluded the best way to do this is through film, since it’s one of the few media that fully immerses the senses of sight and sound, if you have either or both; touch, taste, and smell usually then can be overridden and therefore ignored.

Since nostalgia is the current zeitgeist, the local cinema is showing a classic from the way-back year of 1995, now 25 years ago (?!) in our present day of garbage.  I was a preteen at the time, but this go-around I’ll have to drive myself to the movie theater, `cause my Mommy’ll be out with her friends and refuses to give me a ride.

To prepare, I found the movie’s original trailer online (thanks, technology!) and watched as if I was seeing it on television for the first time.... Hey, spoiler alert, they totally showed the spaceship getting blown up and that was a huge deal in the plot!  I mean, it happens so far away from the camera you can’t really tell it was that ship unless you’ve already seen the movie, but still!  Why would you put something that dramatically pivotal IN THE TRAILER?!

The theater itself has been remodeled several times in the intervening decades, so the experiment will have to begin after I’m seated and the lights have been extinguished.  I’ll also have to resist the temptation to recline the comfy seat, since 1995-era theaters were slight-tilt, hard-cushioned affairs.  Again, the sense of touch will be overridden: fortuitously, the same background popcorn smell forever remains.

The lights dim; the screen shifts from soda commercials to present-day trailers – too modern!  Experiment on pause for the next 20 minutes… 30 minutes….

Car commercial… soda commercial again… ooh, 25^th anniversary retrospective, neat!... So that’s how they filmed the crash sequence, I never realized…. Yes I know they didn’t crash an actual spaceship on an actual alien planet, I just wondered how they did it without so much CGI…. Huh.  Now the effect’s slightly ruined for me for all time.  Didn’t expect that to be one of the outcomes from all this.

OK!  Studio’s logo is up on the screen [Checks watch for start time] – music begins – opening credits – here we go!  Time travel commencing in 3 – 2 – 1 –

Aw, I forgot that actor’s dead now.  And so’s that one.  And so’s that one.  Oh, that one had a stroke recently, that’s a shame.  And that one’s had a nice career comeback, in music though.  And that one….

Hm: special effects’ve held up pretty well, but I can tell now that background’s totally a matte painting….

Ooh, I love this part coming up!  So emotional…. [Sniffs] The noble self-sacrifice gets me every time....

Wow, this takes place in the future but those shoulder pads sure do scream `90s….

I wonder if everyone else on set knew that one was a creep while they were filming this, or if they were all shocked when the truth came out 15 years later….

Oh yeah, I was completely swept up in this B-story – too bad it all comes to nothing in about 20 minutes….

Aaaaaaand here’s the spaceship crash….  Oh wow, the exterior shots really are just models and miniatures.  The editing and directing are fantastic, though….

Didn’t realize that dream sequence was so short – felt a lot longer the first time I saw it….

And that’s it, it’s over, bit abrupt – [Checks watch] – the whole thing was less than two hours?!  Talk about economy of storytelling.

The lights flare on again, the rest of the audience leaves, and I remain in my hard-cushioned, non-reclining seat, reviewing the outcomes of my time travel experiment.

Result: Failure.

Conclusion: Despite external stimuli, the Brain was too much in the present to travel to the past.  However, there were brief moments of near-success, where the present self lost track of time and the sensations of 25 years ago were almost-duplicated.

New Hypothesis: Discover method of total immersion in external stimuli to force the Brain into a past state.

Should only take another 25 years to figure it out.

Story 323: So When Is the Movie Going to Start?

            (Friend 2 enters an empty movie theater, with commercials playing on the screen.  Looking at the ticket stub and then around in confusion, Friend 2 walks down a side aisle and sits on the end seat, then spends the next few minutes taking off gloves, hat, scarf, and coat, and checking the phone with a furrowed brow)

            Friend 2: (Selects contact, waits, and listens to voicemail message) Hi, it’s me, I’m here.  Where are you?  You know what I mean.  Listen, it’s a little after the show’s start time and trailers haven’t even begun, so I’m going out to the lobby to get someone `cause I think something’s not working right, if you get here while I’m gone –

          Friend 1: (To Friend 2 while heading down the aisle, towing a large case on wheels) Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

            Friend 2: (Turns around suddenly to see Friend 1; still speaking into the phone) Uhhhh, never mind, here you are.  Bye.  (Disconnects and stands; several other people now are entering the theater after Friend 1) Hey – everything OK?

            Friend 1: (Slightly out of breath) Oh yeah, everything’s fine!  Super excited to see this one; can’t wait!  Mind if I take the aisle seat?

            Friend 2: Sure.  (Scoops up stuff and moves over to the next seat as Friend 1 plops down the case and begins taking out items) I’m actually going to go find a manager, I think something’s wrong with the film or projector or something –

            Friend 1: (Freezes while taking out a picnic basket) WHAT?!

           Friend 2: I mean, look – (Shows Friend 1 the time on a wristwatch) it’s more than five minutes after showtime, and they haven’t even started the trailers so I think something back there’s, you know, broken.

           Friend 1: (Laughs while opening up a small folding table) Oh, that: no worries, trailers haven’t started on time here in months – oh right, you haven’t been here in a while.  Like the new seats they put in?  (Hits a button on the arm of the seat and it opens up into a mini-bed)

            Friend 2: (Sits again) Yeah, that’s swell – so is the showtime not actually being the showtime anymore the reason why no one else was here at the time of the listed showtime?

            Friend 1: (Pops open a bottle of champagne and pours out two glasses) Got it in one!  Sorry I didn’t think to tell you earlier: I guess they figured no one shows up on time anyway so why bother starting on time, but now we know it’s not going to start on time so we’re just showing up even later – it’s a vicious self-perpetuating cycle of tardiness.  Blanket?  (Holds out a down quilt)

            Friend 2: No thanks.  You know, this movie is already three hours long, plus trailers whenever they get around to starting, might make it four, so I’m going to go use the bathroom before I regret not doing so in Hour 2.  (Stands again and starts to leave)

            Friend 1: (Takes off shoes and puts on several pairs of slipper socks) But the trailers!  They’re part of the admission price!

            Friend 2: You can fill me in on any good ones later – I doubt I’ll miss much.

          (In the restroom, Friend 2 unconsciously stares at people dressed in towels and robes, then sees that they are waiting in lines for showers and bubble baths)

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            (Friend 2 enters the now-darkened theater and returns to the seat, stepping around Friend 1’s portable grill as the latter turns over two hot dogs)

            Friend 1: (Whispers) Hey there, you only missed most of one trailer, it’s still playing – ooh, did you stop for the complimentary massage?

            Friend 2: (Whispers) No.  (Is caught up in the coat, the hat, the quilt Friend 1 had left on the seat anyway, etc. while trying to sit) I got stuck in the line for one on the way out.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: I think this trailer’s a repeat.

          Friend 1: (In mid-doze while wearing a vibrating neck pillow) Hm?  Oh, no, that’s just the sequel to the other movie they showed earlier.

            Friend 2: You mean the other movie that also hasn’t come out yet?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, you gotta plan your release schedule at least 15 years in advance – these studios have vision, let me tell ya.  (The screen changes) Ah yes, at last.

            Friend 2: What, you mean the movie’s finally going to start?

            Friend 1: No, it’s the cartoon short first – I heard this one’s hilarious.

            Friend 2: (Quietly) Arrrrrrrgggggghhhh….

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Clapping) Yay, short’s over, let’s start this thing.

            Friend 1: (Checking e-mail on phone) Heh-heh, wouldn’t bet on it.

            Friend 2: (Stops mid-clap) Huh?

           Friend 1: They still have to promote the theater chain we’ve already paid to visit, along with all their concession sponsors.  (Watches theater chain and concession commercial) You know, I suddenly have a strange desire for popcorn and soda.

            Friend 2: (Stands and walks around Friend 1 again) I’ll get `em – seems like they’re now just talking about a charity they want us to donate to at the box office, which is a little late at this point.

           Friend 1: Might as well push a worthy cause while you have a captive audience – I admire that.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Sits back in the seat and hands over a popcorn and soda while keeping a set) Seven cashiers and the line still takes forever because everyone keeps adding to their orders – people need to make up their minds while they’re waiting, but no one ever learns!

           Friend 1: Heh-heh, indecisive nerds. (Sets popcorn and soda into corresponding seat holders and sticks feet back into a pedicure bath)

            Fellow Audience Member: Ssh, please!

            Friend 2: Ooh, sorry, did the movie finally start?

          Fellow Audience Member: No – I want to hear my celebrity crushes talking about their new movie.

            Friend 2: (Stares at the screen) Their new movie that isn’t even the one we’re here to see?

            Fellow Audience Member: And your point is?

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Squirms in the seat) If they show one more car commercial when they’re supposed to be showing movie commercials, I am walking out – I don’t care if they don’t give me a refund, I am walking out –

           Friend 1: (Lying almost flat and wearing an eye mask) You know, you really need to learn how to relax more.

           Friend 2: I came here to relax!  And instead I’ve spent almost two hours watching everything else but the one thing I paid to see!

            Friend 1: (Hears a change in music and lifts up the mask) Yes!  Speak no more, my child, the object you have been seeking is here at last and the movie is about to begin!  (Adjusts seat back to sitting, takes a promotional prop out of the case, and holds it as a talisman) Squeee!!!!

          Friend 2: (Stares at the screen in slowly encroaching horror as the opening scenes unfold) Ohhhh noooo….

            Friend 1: (Slightly bouncing in the seat) What’s up?

            Friend 2: I forgot the name of the movie!