Story 517: You Had One Dish to Bring on Thanksgiving

 WEDNESDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING

 (Relative 1 sits at a kitchen table paying bills on a laptop)

Relative 1: (Squints while leaning closer to the screen) They’re charging me a credit card fee after I’m saving them money by going paperless?!  Rude.  (Cell phone rings; Relative 1 picks up the phone, smiles on seeing the name on the caller ID, and answers) Hi there, Happy Early Thanksgiving, how –

Relative 2: (Has a cell phone propped against an ear and shoulder while pushing an overflowing shopping cart down a supermarket aisle surrounded by frenzied shoppers and constant panicked overhead announcements) I’ll cut right to the chase: seven family members cancelled on me last-minute due to various viruses and now I’m short on side dishes, so instead of salad I’m gonna need you to bring mashed potatoes instead.

Relative 1: Ohhhhh…. (Looks over at bags of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and an empty bowl all lined up on the counter) I was just about the make that up right after I finished depleting my bank account for the month.

Relative 2: Perfect timing, then – return what you didn’t use and get me mashed potatoes!  Please.

Relative 1: Um, I’m not sure you actually want me to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 2: (Tossing boxes of baking soda, flour, and sugar into the cart) What’s to make?  You go to the aisle with the refrigerated cases, get about five or so of the premade packages, and we empty `em into a large bowl and heat it up right before dinner!  I’d get them myself but now I have to make the corn casserole, cranberry sauce, apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and frankly neither I nor my budget can face one more bit of foodstuff on top of all that no matter how trivial it may seem.

Relative 1: But what about the salad?

Relative 2: No one cares about the salad!  I only asked you to bring it because it’s impossible to mess up and pretty much everyone skips it anyway!

Relative 1: Well I never – !

Relative 2: (Dashing the cart up another aisle aiming for the last two pie crusts in a refrigerated display case) Well you have now; no more time to chat; hours behind schedule; see you tomorrow; hugs and kisses; byeeeee!!!  (Drops the phone into the cart and dives into the crowd surrounding the case) MINE!

Relative 1: (Stares at the silent phone, then over at the now-useless salad stuff) So this means I have to go to a supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving?  (Eye starts twitching)

 STILL WEDNESDAY – 9:00 P.M.

 (Relative 1 rummages through the nearly-empty vegetable section of a refrigerated display case in a different, slightly less-crowded supermarket)

Relative 1: Ergghhh… all mashed cauliflower, no mashed potatoes.... (Grabs a box) Maybe I can get away with roasted potatoes?

Relative 2: [Voice in Relative 1’s head] I said “mashed”!!!

Relative 1: (Shudders and replaces the box on the shelf, still holding the door open to stare at the remaining products) So no mashed potatoes – do I need to buy actual potatoes and mash them myself?  (Shudders harder)

Shopper 1: (Zips a shopping cart to a stop next to the door) `Scuse me, can I get in there, please?

Relative 1: Huh?  Oh, yeah.  (Widens the door and steps aside)

Shopper 1: (Scoops boxes into the cart) You know, I couldn’t help overhearing your external monologue – there are boxes of potato flakes in Aisle 7 that you basically just mix and heat up to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 1: (Gasps) Really?!  Just like that?!

Shopper 1: (Still scooping) Yep: no muss, no fuss.

Relative 1: (Runs down the aisle) Thank you – thank you – thank you!

Shopper 1: (Moves on to another case, opens the door, and begins scooping more boxes into the cart) Sure thing – just need milk and butter.

Relative 1: (Skids to a stop and turns back) Eh?

Shopper 1: Oh, and salt, but you probably can get away with seasoning it later.  (Closes the door and speeds off in the opposite direction) Good luck!

Relative 1: (Starts shaking) …Ingredients?!

(In Aisle 7, Relative 1 holds up a box of potato flakes and scrutinizes the minimal instructions)

Relative 1: But what type of milk?  What type of butter?  Why are there no specifics?  (Looks up to the ceiling) Thanksgiving’s gonna be ruined because of MEEEEEE!!!!

Shopper 2: (In mid-rush with an overflowing shopping cart; briefly pauses next to Relative 1) Used to feel the same way: just tell everybody it’s that or nothing, they shut up real fast.  (Resumes sprint as Relative 1 stares after, then back at the box in a panic)

THANKSGIVING – BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT

 (At Relative 2’s house, chaos reigns as multiple dishes are being prepared simultaneously in the kitchen, adults yell at each other in order to be heard, and children yell at each other just because)

Relative 2: (To Relative 3) Could you start carving the turkey while I finish up the mushrooms?

Relative 3: Of course!  (Starts sharpening knives with glee) I live for this.

Relative 2: You worry me.  (Counts the full pots, pans, and platters on or in tables, counters, stoves, ovens, broilers, toasters, and microwaves) Hold it – we’re missing one.  (Thinks for a few moments, then slams a hand down on a cutting board in realization) Mashed potatoes!

Relative 4: (Entering the kitchen with an empty appetizer tray to clean) Yeah, is anyone else concerned that cousin’s not here yet?

Relative 2: (Grabs an upright phone sitting on a charger and pounds the keys while grinding teeth) Not – enough – sides!

Relative 4: Just me then?  OK.  (Starts on the towering pile of dishes in the sink)

Relative 2: (Listens to the phone ring, then immediately speaks once the call is answered) WHERE ARE MY MASHED POTATOES?!

Relative 1: Uhhhh…. (Covered in potato flakes and watching a pot on the stove slowly but surely bubble up to overflowing) I think I might’ve misread the instructions….

Relative 2: What instructions?!  You bring them here and we reheat them, HOW CAN YOU MESS UP DOING NOTHING?!

Relative 1: (Stirring the pot faster and faster) Well, the store didn’t have that kind, so I had to get a box of dried-out potatoes instead, and milk, and butter, and they don’t even tell you what type, by the way: 1%?  2%?  Salted?  Unsalted?  And what type of salt, but I skipped that –

Relative 2: YOU COULD’VE BROUGHT THE BOX HERE AND I WOULD’VE MADE THEM!

Relative 1: (Stops stirring; the pot boils over) …You seemed busy.

Relative 2: (Bites on a wooden spoon, then speaks deathly low) Stop whatever you’re doing, get over here now, and bring the box with you.

Relative 1: (Tries using a lid to smother the overflowing pot) OK, I guess I can wrap it up so it doesn’t spill all over the car – traffic’s a nightmare right now though, so it’s probably gonna take me at least an hour –

Relative 2: I SAID GET OVER HERE NOW!  (Slams the phone down onto the charger, takes a breath, and sees Relative 3 hovering in mid-carve while staring at Relative 2) Who told you to stop?!

Relative 3: (Starts slicing again) On it!

Relative 2: (Enters the living room where most of the relatives are gathered, about half of them watching the football game) All right folks, I’ve got good news and bad news.  Good news is: dinner is almost ready.

Relatives: YAY!

Relative 2: Bad news is: there’ll be no mashed potatoes.

Relatives: ARGGGGHHHHH…. (Relative 5 stands up to leave)

Relative 2: (Points to Relative 5) Sit!

Relative 5: (Sits back on the couch, grumbling) But I only wanted to eat the mashed potatoes….

Relative 2: I know, everyone;, it’s a great loss, but we will strive to enjoy the turkey and the 23 other sides without it, I suppose.

Relative 4: (Leans into the living room from the growing pile in the kitchen sink) Wait a second, is the cousin who was supposed to bring it all right?  Did something happen?

Relative 2: Irrelevant to the meal!  (Spins on heel and returns to the kitchen, stopping short in front of the main stove) And now the gravy’s all lumpy, gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

THANKSGIVING – DESSERT HOUR

 (Relative 1 enters Relative 2’s house carefully carrying a large package while everyone else sits at several tables of varying sizes eating pies, cakes, cookies, and candies)

Relative 1: (As everyone turns to the sound of the front door closing) Hi everybody, Happy Thanksgiving!

Relatives: (Waving) Hiiiiiiii!!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 4: You made it!  Are you OK?

Relative 1: (As Relative 2 zooms over from the main table) Yeah, just a little mishap with the mashed potatoes, sorry you had to miss out on those this year.

Relatives: Nah – that’s OK – it’s fine –

Relative 5: It was not fine for me!

Relative 1: (Turns to Relative 2’s glare and holds out the package) So, I ran out to the store again today and managed to snag the last batch of freshly-baked cinnamon buns –

Relative 2: (Snatches the package out of Relative 1’s hands) All is forgiven.

Story 374: The Friend Who Came to Dinner….

 (In Hour 4 of a dinner with friends, Hosts 1 and 2’s eyes glaze over as their guest continues to sit across from them at the dining room table and shows no indication of leaving)

Friend: (Pouring another glass of soda) I don’t know about you two, but I personally think this year is gonna be just as bad as the last one, if not worse.

Host 1: (Stirs slightly out of a partial doze) Hm, what?

Friend: (Gulps down half a glass) Uh-huh.  And if you really think about it, every year on this planet since its very creation has been the worst: volcanoes, ice ages, earthquakes, disease, the great dinosaur wipe-out, the very chemical make-up of the atmosphere changing over and over again, and then we show up, in all our misery, and decide it’s not enough to make each other miserable, let’s bring all Earth’s species and the planet itself in on the fun while we’re at it!

Host 2: Oh, I don’t know about that –

Friend: (Finishes off the glass and slams it onto the table in emphasis; Hosts 1 and 2 jump slightly in their seats) I do know!  And the generations and generations of people trapped in poverty, abuse, despair, bigotry, war, crime, etc. ad infinitum, nine times out of 10 because of the mere fact they were born into this horror show called Life and their surroundings messed them over right out of the starting gate, makes me wish more and more every day that the whole set of shenanigans never even started in the first place.  (Begins nibbling on fennel)

Host 1: (Reluctant to continue the conversation) Is… there someone you want to talk to about all this?

Friend: (In mid-bite) I’m talking to you, aren’t I?  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…. (Trails off giggling into the fennel)

Host 2: (Stretches around the back of the chair in order to see the clock in the living room) Oh my, didn’t realize it got so late, maybe it’s time you – (Is cut off by noises of a crowd outside running down the street)

Host 1: (Stands) What’s all that?

Friend: (Still holding the fennel) Humanity standing up for justice, possibly sprinkled with a few who ruin the whole thing for everybody?

(Host 1 goes to open the front door while Host 2 hangs back at the table)

Host 2: Sure that’s wise?

Host 1: Rather see what’s up instead of waiting to find out as something crashes through the window.

Friend: (Points the fennel at Host 1) My thoughts exactly.

(Host 1 opens the door to see a screaming crowd running away from a dragon shooting flames at them all the way down the block.  Host 1 swiftly closes and locks the door and turns around to block it as the house slightly shakes with impact tremors)

Host 1: We didn’t serve alcohol tonight, right?  (Host 2 and Friend shake their heads)

Friend: Well, guess this means we should hole up here for the night and keep constant vigil – I volunteer for third shift.

Host 2: No, this means we need to get out of here now before that thing gets us!

Host 1: (Looks out the front window) It seems to have passed us by.

Friend: Good, we hole up here, then.  (Grabs a nutcracker and goes to work on a bowl of walnuts)

Host 2: (Stares agitatedly at Friend, then joins Host 1 at the door) But my show’s coming on soon!

Host 1: (Stares incredulously at Host 2) There’s a little bit more going on at the moment!

Friend: You two don’t mind me; I’ll can keep busy while you go fight the dragon.  (CRACK)

Host 2: I am not fighting a dragon!

Friend: (Chewing) Good point: dragon’s just doing as dragons do, not its fault we’re its natural prey.  Let `em eat us all; I say good riddance to the lot.

Host 2: Arggggghhhhhhh!!!!

Host 1: You two – (A resounding crash is heard from down the street) Now what?!  (Grabs a baseball bat, unlocks the door, and heads out; Host 2 grabs a butter knife from the dining room table and heads out; Friend grabs another piece of fennel and heads out.  The three run into the street and see a screaming crowd from a different direction running away from a spaceship that had crashed onto the middle of the boulevard.  Two figures emerge from the top hatch)

Alien 1: (To Alien 2, broadcasting telepathically) You see?!  I told you we wanted the fourth planet from the star, not the third!

Alien 2: You said land on the blue and green one.

Alien 1: I said not to land on the blue and green one!  (Gestures to the haphazard screaming runners) Now look where you dropped us!  Right in the middle of these planet-ruiners!  You’d better get us out of here soon before we get sucked into their chaos!  (A passerby runs a hand lovingly over the ship; Alien 1 bats the hand away; to Alien 2) LAUNCH!

Alien 2: Don’t have to tell me twice – at least the red one’s nice and quiet.  (They close the hatch, power up the ship, and take off just before a solar flare streams through the night sky, sending a shock wave that knocks out electricity everywhere.  The screaming crowd now runs in all directions; Host 2 sinks down to the ground and rocks slowly while holding their head; and Host 1 defensively holds up the bat while scanning the area)

Friend: (Starts nibbling on the fennel) So – mind if I put on the coffee for dessert?

Story 317: No Thanks for What You’re Giving

            (Friend 2 gets into the passenger side of a car driven by Friend 1)

        Friend 2: (Once seated, sees that there are wadded-up tissues everywhere) Ewwwww!!!!!  Are you sick?!

           Friend 1: (Speaks with a clogged head and an interrupted throat) No, I don’t feel sick, it’s probably just allergies.  (Sneezes out the open window and drives)

           Friend 2: (Rolls down the passenger side window all the way – it is 22°F outside) I don’t believe you, and even if it is allergies how can you still want to go to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner?

            Friend 1: (Wipes nose noisily) `S tradition.

          Friend 2: I think they’d understand.  I don’t even want to go now, what with the contamination.

          Friend 1: Would you relax?  It’s all symptoms, no substance – it’s literally all in my head.  (Coughs violently and nearly hits a deer standing on top of a grassy hill) I feel fine!

            Friend 2: (Holding head to shield from a collision) Liar.

            (At Friend 1’s family’s house)

            Friend 2: You go in first – I don’t want them to think I brought you and your infection here.

            Friend 1: You’re ridiculous.

            (Door opens)

            Cousin 1: Hi!  Happy Thanksgiving – come on in!  (Widens the door for Friend 1 and Friend 2 to enter and face everyone in the living room)

            Everyone: Hiiiiii!!!!

            Friend 1: `Abb-y Tanks-gibing, ebbry-one!

            (Everyone stares at Friend 1 in horror; Grandmother runs in from the kitchen)

            Grandmother: (Points an accusing wooden spoon at Friend 1) Are you sick?!

           Friend 1: (Blowing nose) Heh-heh-heh, no, it’s just allergies or change-of-season; I feel great!  (Sneeze-coughs)

           Grandmother: (To the rest of the room) No kissing, no hugging, no touching that one!  (Uses the wooden spoon to push Friend 1 to the farthest corner of the living room, kicks an Uncle out of a folding chair there, and points to it) Sit!

            Friend 1: Aw, Grandma – (Is whacked on the head by the wooden spoon) Ow!  (Sits)

           Grandmother: You’re lucky this isn’t the porch outside!  (To Friend 2) You!  Stay here, too – we’ll bring you both your food.

            Friend 2: (Whines) But why do I have to stay all the way out here?

            Grandmother: You’re contaminated!

            Friend 2: (To Friend 1) See!

           Grandmother: Go watch the parade and don’t move from this spot – dinner’s now delayed an hour thanks to your shenanigans!  (Returns to the kitchen while everyone moans)

            Friend 1: (Pulls a wine bottle out of a bag) Well, if I’m shoved into this corner then I guess no one’ll be needing this – (Cousin 2 snatches it away) Hey!  Isn’t that “contaminated” now?

            Cousin 2: (While rubbing the bottle all over with a bleach wipe) This is actually the one thing where the contents self-disinfect.

FOUR HOURS LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch next to Friend 1’s chair, which is surrounded by growing piles of tissues, plates of snacks, and “DO NOT CROSS” tape)

          Friend 2: (Staring at the TV) You know, this situation has given me a whole new appreciation for football as a sport.

        Friend 1: (Watching a movie on a phone) Wonderful.  (Sneezes; a passing Aunt sprays disinfectant in the Friends’ direction) That’ll just make me sneeze more!

            Aunt: But it’ll be a clean sneeze.

            Grandmother: OK everyone, sit down, dinner’s ready!

            Uncle: Hee-hee, we’re already sitting down.

            Grandmother: Smart mouths get served last!

          (There is a rush to the two adult tables and the kitchen kiddie table; Friend 1 looks around, then darts to an empty chair at one of the bigger tables)

            Cousin 3: Grand-ma!  My cousin’s trying to break quaran-tine!

           (Wearing oven mitts, Grandmother grabs Friend 1 by the ear and tosses the body back onto the folding chair in the living room)

           Friend 1: (All the way back) Ow – ow – ow – ow – cough – cough – cough – gasp – gasp – cough –

            Grandmother: (Grabs a bunch of cough drops from her apron pocket and flings them at Friend 1) I’d better not hear another sound from this corner or you get nuthin’ from the table, do you hear me?!  (To Friend 2) What would you like for dinner, dear?

            Friend 2: Um, could I have a drumstick and some sides, please?  And a glass of milk?

            Grandmother: Of course.  (Turns to leave)

            Friend 1: Could I have all that too, please?  (Sneezes)

         Grandmother: I’ll think about it.  (To the tables) Now – everyone, take a turn saying what you’re thankful for.

            Aunt: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Uncle: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Cousin 4: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Cousin 5: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Friend 1: (Mutters) Brats.  (Sneezes)

TWO HOURS LATER

            Friend 1: (Wrapped in a blanket and holding a tissue) You think they’ll let me sneak a piece of apple pie from the table?

            Friend 2: How can you even be thinking of food right now – you look like you’re dying!

          Friend 1: Still hungry, which means I’m NOT SICK!  (Shouted at the main table, which the relatives playing cards there ignore)

            Grandmother: (Carrying a coffee urn) Everyone, sit down – dessert!

          (Rush to the two main tables, since one-third of the original company had moved on to the next set of families)

            Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Grab me a chocolate doughnut, would you?  (Coughs a lot)

            Friend 2: Ew, no; I’ll get you some tea.

          Grandmother: Oh no, you don’t – no one from that corner of the room moves until everyone else has left for the night!

            Friend 2: (In a small voice) But I have to go to the bathroom.

          (Everyone digs into the multitude of desserts; Friend 1 watches sullenly, then begins cough-laughing)

            Friend 2: What, aren’t you still bitter?

            Friend 1: Yeah, but joke’s on them: this means I don’t have to help clean up this year.