Thursday, November 30, 2017

Story 214: Epic Staph Party



            (Scene: Interior of the human body.  There is a microscopic tear in the skin, through which Staphylococcus peeks in)
            Staph: Hello?  Anybody?  Any-bodies?  (Echoes answer)  This is perfect: let the games begin.
            (In an infinitesimally brief amount of time, the entire interior is taken over by Staph and Co., who immediately trash the place)
           Staph: (On the phone, struggling to be heard over the blaring music and screaming party-goers) Nah, I think I’m going to lay off the reproduction for a bit – it’s nearing capacity here already and more guests keep showing up by the nanosecond.  (Doorbell rings) Speaking of which: gotta go!  (Hangs up and greets the newcomers at the non-healing skin tear) Streptococcus, you old rascal!  How’s life been treating you?
            Strep: Terribly, thank goodness.
            Both: Ahahahaha!
            Strep: Seriously, mind if I and my millions of relatives join you?
         Staph: Not at all!  Come right in, you can see nearly everyone who’s anyone is here: the Clostridia naturally had to stop by, and even the Escherichias made an appearance!
            The Escherichias: (Swinging from cell walls) Yippee!
          Strep: Wow, I love what you’ve done with the place.  Definitely the right environment, and full of food!
          Staph: (Chewing) Yeah, you really can’t beat the locale; best one I’ve seen in a long time.  That’s why I spread the word: I don’t mind sharing with you all – plenty to go around, feel free, help yourself, and all that.  We even let those guys over there stick around, isn’t that right, Antibodies?
            (Two Antibodies stand miserably in a corner)
            Staph: Look at them, so cute in their impotence.  (Everything starts getting very hot and the party momentarily stops)  Oh, oh, hold on everyone, our host thinks we’re a virus again!  (Everything soon returns to 98.6°F)  As you were, my lovelies!  (The party resumes)
            Antibody 1: (To Antibody 2) Should I try calling Brain again?
            Antibody 2: You can if you want, but obviously there’s a bit of a disconnect there.
           Antibody 1: Yeah, but if we keep at it then Subconscious has got to eventually tell Conscious what’s going on down here, right?
            Antibody 2: Has it?!
            (A random Cold Pill rushes in at full charge; Antibody 2 holds it back)
            Antibody 2: Don’t even bother.
            Cold Pill: But I must!  It is my sole purpose on this planet!  (Rushes Staph and bounces right off)
            Staph: You’re so cute, too.
(Cold Pill dissolves, purpose unfulfilled; the party rages on)
Meningococcus: The keg’s set up!
            Staph: Perfect!  (They proceed to tap it) So really, if the hosts really thought about where we are all over and all throughout their bodies, I think their heads would literally explode, the poor darlings.
            Meningococcus: I couldn’t agree more.  (Offers a cup) Care for some amino acids?
            Staph: Love to.  (Chugs)
            (From a random area, Antibiotic bursts through the partygoers; Staph spit-takes.  Antibodies 1 and 2 jump up from playing cards off to the side)
            Antibody 2: (Shouts upward) It’s about time!
         Antibiotic: Listen up, punks, this party’s over – FOREVER!  I am shutting this infestation down!
            Bacteria: Boo!
          Staph: All right, everyone, you heard the pill; you can all pus out now.  (To Antibiotic) You may have evicted us this round, but you’ve been used on me one too many times, pal!  Next time we meet, you may the one who’s given what for!  And I am not cleaning this mess up.  (Puses out)
            Antibody 1: Is that true?  Can they really defeat you next time?
           Antibiotic: Oh, probably.  Too much of me is not a good thing, and they certainly love to have a good infection.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Story 213: Thanksgiving E-mail Invite



Hi everybody!  You’re invited to our pre-Thanksgiving Dinner!
When: Sunday, November 19, at 1:00 p.m.
Where: Our House
Please let us know what you dish you’ll be bringing so there are no duplicates!

Guest 1
Replied: Yes (2 guests)
Bringing my famous sweet potato pie!
            Host: Yummy!  Thanks!

Guest 2
Replied: Yes (4 guests)
Do the kids count as a dish? ;-)  Seriously, all I have the strength for is some pre-packaged fruit salad.
            Host: We’ll take it!  We’ll take anything!

Guest 3
Replied: No (0 guests)
Working.   ---- my life.
            Host: You’ll be missed!  We’ll save some leftovers for you!
            Guest 3: Sweet.

Guest 4
Replied: Yes (1 guest)
Was going to bring sweet potato pie, now I’ve got nuthin’.
            Host: Could you bring a turkey? :-)
            Guest 4: Guess I can whip up some cranberry sauce.

Guest 5
Replied: Yes (2 guests)
Also was going to bring sweet potato pie – would french fries be all right?
            Host: Are you being serious?
            Guest 5: Yes.
            Host: Then no.
            Guest 5: How about potato chips?
            Host: How about a turkey? :-)
            Guest 5: I’ll bring hash browns.

Guest 6
Replied: No (Changed from Yes)
Planned on coming, but now my relatives are flying in that weekend.
            Host: They can come too!
            Guest 6: You really don’t want that.
            Host: Yeah, that would be awkward.  For everybody.

Guest 7
Replied: Yes (3 guests)
Dibs on sweet potato pie!
            Host: Honey, that was the first one taken.
            Guest 7: Oh, missed that.  You want regular potato pie?
            Host: How about a turkey? :-)
            Guest 7: We’ll bring brownies.

Guest 8
Replied: Yes (2 guests)
We’re coming!  What do you guys need us to bring?
            Host: How about a turkey? :-)
            Guest 8: Are you trying to tell us that you don’t have the turkey?
            Host: …Maybe.
            Guest 8: Let me get back to you.

Guest 9
Replied: Yes (1 guest)
I can bring a tofurkey if you want.
            Host: We’d rather you didn’t.
            Guest 9: Turducken?
            Host:  That creeps me out.
            Guest 9: How about half a chicken?
            Host: Just bring some wine, please.

Guest 10
Replied: Yes (2 guests)
Sweet potato pie!
            Host: The next person to suggest that is uninvited.
            Guest 10: Is that a “No” then?
            Host: Corn on the cob would be great.

Guest 11
Replied: Yes (5 guests)
We can bring desserts!  Apple pie, pumpkin pie, mincemeat pie, strawberry rhubarb pie, any pie!
            Guest 10: How about sweet potato? :-)
            Host: Does no one read the rest of the replies?!
            Guest 8: I do.  You guys don’t have a turkey.
            Host: Then bring one!
          Guest 8: Why are you hosting a Thanksgiving party when you don’t even have the main entrée?
            Host: We’re just providing the venue!  You guys provide the food!
            Guest 8: That only works in rental halls, not private residences.
            Guest 10: Wait, does this mean I can bring the you-know-what pie, then?
            Host: Go back to sleep.

Guest 12
Replied: Yes (1 guest)
I earned a free frozen turkey at the supermarket if you want it.
            Host: Thank you so much!
            Host: Soooo… does anyone know how to cook one of those things?
           Guest 8: I recommend that we just have a meal of sides and desserts – the turkey is immaterial.
          Host: Yes!  Thank you!  I can’t stand the pressure – this holiday is about the company and the warm feelings and the happiness, dagnabbit!  This will be the best pre-Thanksgiving ever or else!
            Guest 8: That’s the spirit.