(Snow is gently falling from the twilight sky – don’t be fooled, the flakes on the ground are hard as a rock and nearly a foot deep on grass and pavement alike. Dad stands at the living room window, watching the accumulation outside with a maniacal smile)
Dad: (Softly) At last, the world is mine. (Throws on a heavy coat, gloves, and boots and heads to the front door) I’m goin’ out to do my Christmas shopping, bye!
Mom: (Curled up in an armchair, not looking up from the book she is reading) Gotta clean off the car and driveway first.
Dad: AREADY DID IT! (The front door blows shut behind him)
Mom: (Looks up with a confused frown as squealing tires screech along the driveway and down the street) When?
(On the highway, Dad drives between 10 and 15 mph with both the defroster and the radio blasting)
Dad: “Jingle bells”…. (Swerve) “Silver bells”…. (Skid) “Just hear those sleigh bells”…. (Stutter-stop)…. “The bells of Christmas”.... (Swerve-skid) “The bells of St. Mary’s”…. (Slams to a stop in a parking spot at a mall) Sure are a lot of bells this time of year. (Purposefully strides toward the mall entrance and stops just inside a main door, whipping out a list. Looking around, there are some crowds but not as many as are usually there on December 23) Perfect. The storm filtered out the weak. (He goes from store to store, accumulating bags bursting with items as he whistles carols all the while, handing a candy cane to a Santa Claus as he passes by the pop-up North Pole near the elevators. Leaning on the checkout at one store while Cashier 1 rings up the purchase) If anyone asked me what I’d like for Christmas, it’d be for someone to pay off my credit card, know-what-I-mean? (Dad and Cashier 1 simultaneously glance down at the huge pile of stuff he is buying; in a small voice) Don’t judge.
Cashier 1: Not in my job description.
(At a soaps-and-scents store, Dad strolls in, spreads his arms wide, and inhales deeply)
Dad: Aaaaaaaaaaaah – never knew how good this place smelled without the mass of shoppers blocking all my senses.
Associate: Do you need any help?
Dad: For once, no! I can actually see where everything is in here! (Skips from display to display, filling up a basket and zooming to the register)
Cashier 2: Bag? Coupon? Free gift? Free gift wrap?
Dad: Wow, never got asked all that here before.
Cashier 2: Never had enough time to go through the list when we have to ring up 500 customers an hour.
Dad: I’ll take it all then.
(At the nearly empty food court, Dad heads toward a burger place)
Dad: (To Cashier 3) Yes, I’d like a triple-decker well done, all the fries, and two milkshakes – one to go. (Winks)
Cashier 3: (Shutting off the lights) Sorry sir, we’re actually closing early due to the storm, and we never close early this time of year. You’re the first person who’s come by in over two hours. (Lights in the other food kiosks also turn off)
Dad: Point taken. (Walks back to the main mall) Would’ve been nice to have the whole seating area to pick from, though.
(At another store, Dad is reading all the greeting cards)
Mall Loudspeakers: Attention, last-minute shoppers! Due to the horrific conditions outside, we’ve decided to value human lives over any piddling dollars these struggling stores may make and are closing NOW! Go home, you weirdos!
Dad: (Piling up an armful of cards and yelling up at the ceiling) Hey! I haven’t gotten so much shopping done so fast in… ever!
Cashier 4: (Flashing the store’s lights) Bring what you have, please, so I can ring you up and finally get the blazes out of here!
Dad: (Dumps all the cards onto the counter) Oh fine, I was done anyway. (In the parking lot, mountains of ice-snow outnumber the cars as Dad carefully balances his many bags and walks pigeon-toed to one of the closest spots to the mall, where his car is parked. He dumps everything into the trunk, slams the door shut, then looks toward the mall as snow sticks to his eyelashes, the last remaining shoppers and employees stream out, and the interior lights turn off) Best Christmas shopping trip of my life.
