Story 528: Maladaptive Daydreaming Can Be a Real Drag

“Hey, where are you?”

“Umm, right here?”

“No, I mean where’s your head gone off to?  You’ve got that faraway look in your eyes that means while your physical body is present, your consciousness has taken a trip to the moon or an island resort or somewhere else the rest of us want to go, too.”

“Oh, right.  Sorry – it was getting hot with the air conditioning broken here again so I was thinking about playing in the snow like when I was a kid, and now I’m freezing.  You got an extra sweater handy?”

“We’re all wearing short sleeves because of the broken air conditioning.”

“Right, right.  Never mind: I should be melting again in a few minutes, then.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Hey there, you finish that report yet?”

“Hm?  Oh, right, that needs to be sent in today, doesn’t it.”

“…Yes, we’ve talked about it several times this week and once this morning…. Oh, I see you’re working on it now, that’s great!  How’s it coming along?”

“It’s… coming along….”

“So, what, you think another page or two left, another hour or two to go?”

“Maybe.  Or it might need, you know, another day.”

“Another day?!  Where’s your mind at?!”

“I’ve been wondering that myself lately – it seems to be taking a lot trips to the beach recently, and we wind up staying there for hours.”

“Ah.  Well, can’t say I blame it.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *  

“Did you set the security alarm before we left the house today?”

“Hm?  I think so, why?”

“Because it’s not beeping as we’re invading our own home.”

“Oh.  I must have drifted off on our way out and thought I’d done it.  Sorry.”

“Drifted off to what?!”

“To what’s going to happen next on Sword Slash when the season premier airs tonight.  They left last season on a cliffhanger and we’ve had to wait more than a year before it finally came back.”

“….”

“Not a fan?”

“We could’ve been burglarized!”

“Eh, no harm done.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“So, it’s looking like they might have to pull all the teeth out…. Are you listening to me?!”

“Hm?  Oh, yeah, teeth – disgusting.”

“I don’t think you are.  Your mind keeps going off places and you’re missing everything that’s going on around you!”

“Sorry; it’s just that I’ve been replaying this scene in my head where my characters finally triumph over the evil they’ve been battling for decades, and I’m trying to iron out the details.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were a writer.”

“…I’m not.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Excuse me.”

“Hm?  Oh, sorry, I’m being a bit rude, I know – it’s just that my mind tends to wander very, very, very often, and I find myself immersed in all sorts of daydreams that it’s hard to snap myself out of them.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, it can be a bit disruptive sometimes – I don’t always get my work done ‘in a timely manner’ or I miss important information that I’ll need later or I completely breeze through a chore that I’ll have to redo because I didn’t do it thoroughly enough or I find out that an event I went to was a blast but I’ll never know because I’d completely tuned out during the whole thing – but honestly, life can be so tedious and painful and pointless at times that escaping from the futility of it all into a comforting world of our own making truly can be a matter of survival in a sense, don’t you think?”

“I suppose when you put it that way, it can be occasionally, yeah.”

“Thank you!  It’s such a relief to finally meet someone who actually understands!”

“Sure.... You can hand over your wallet now.”

“Oh right, we’re in the middle of a robbery – checked out for a few minutes there.”

Story 516: Interdepartmental Brainstorming

             (In an office, Coworker 1 sits at a desk and taps the same computer key over and over with no change in the result)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 sitting at the next desk over) Hey, boss?

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from editing a novel) Sssshhhh... trying to keep that tidbit of knowledge on a minimum distribution basis.

Coworker 1: Really?  I figured everyone else knew you were CEO but me.

Coworker 2: No, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible – what’s up?

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the computer screen and then back at Coworker 2) Would you be able to help me with a spreadsheet?

Coworker 2: No.

Coworker 1: …“No” because you can’t or “No” because you won’t?

Coworker 2: Both.  (Turns to Coworker 1) No matter where you are on the corporate ladder, you can only climb up it by delegating as much of your work as possible.

Coworker 1: This was delegated to me.

Coworker 2: Oh.  Stinks to be you, then.  (Returns to copy editing)

(Coworker 1’s desk phone rings)

Coworker 1: (Picks up the receiver and cradles it on one shoulder in order to continue typing) Accounts Payable.

Coworker 3: (Voice) Thank goodness you’re at your desk – we have an escalating crisis here, and I’m not handling it very well!

Coworker 1: Huh?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, we’ve got a situation going on and we’ve exhausted all our mental resources so we figured why not ask you next.

Coworker 1: Thanks, I think – am I on speaker phone?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, there are about 10 of us here representing 17 departments.

Coworkers 5-12: (Voices) Hi.

Coworker 9: (Voice) Make that 20 departments – I just got assigned two more this morning, ahahahahaha – !  (Dissolves into sobs)

Coworker 1: Whoa, wait a minute, this sounds like a bit much, I think I should get my manager – (Sees Coworker 2 shaking head and mouthing “No”) hold on – (Covers up the phone’s mouthpiece and whispers to Coworker 2) Why not?  You said I should delegate.

Coworker 2: Yeah, delegate down or lateral – never delegate up if you can help it.  Isn’t there someone else in your department you can dump this on – I mean, assign this to?

Coworker 1: I think they’re all on lunch right now and I’m the only chump working.  (Uncovers the phone) So, how can I help you?

Coworker 3: (Voice) Well, check requests were submitted and approved for purchase orders, and the checks were sent out but now nobody knows where they went!

Coworker 1: Did you check – heh-heh, sorry – with the courier?

Coworker 4: (Voice) First thing we did: documented as delivered, but no checks in sight.

Coworker 1: Maybe they got mailed for deposit right after?

Coworker 5: (Voice) Already looked – no record!

Coworker 1: Still: might’ve gone out and someone forgot to record it.

Coworker 5: (Voice) I’m the one who tracks those!

Coworker 1: OK… and….

Coworker 5: (Voice) I didn’t forget!  There are no checks to be had here!

Coworker 1: (Starts rubbing forehead to ward off a headache) OK, then maybe they were delivered to the wrong department?

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) We asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: No one asked this department.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) …Did you get any checks lately you shouldn’t’ve?

Coworker 1: (Sighs) No.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) Now we asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: OK, OK, if, by chance, they went somewhere else… outside the building… dropped onto the sidewalk… do you want me to look up whether they were deposited by someone else?

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) YES!

Coworker 1: (Holds phone away from ear for a few seconds) All right, send me the invoice numbers and I’ll contact the bank.

Coworker 2: (Voice echoes through Coworker 1’s phone earpiece and Coworker 2’s phone’s speaker) Can you CC me on the e-mails, please?

Coworker 1: (Looks distractedly at Coworker 2) Yeah…. (Covers up the mouthpiece and whispers again) How’d you get on this call, too?!

Coworker 2: (Hits “Mute” on the phone) They conferenced me in – guess it’s important.

Coworker 1: Great, that’s just perfect – (Uncovers the mouthpiece) Once I get the invoice numbers, I’ll get right on it and let you know when I hear back.

Coworker 6: (Voice zooms in) Could you expedite that so we know what happened ASAP?  It’s a lot of money.

Coworker 1: Sure, just…. (Keeps refreshing the e-mail inbox) I need the e-mail first before I can do anything.

Coworker 3: (Voice with sounds of rapid keystrokes underneath) I’m typing as fast as I can!  It’s about 50 invoices!

Coworker 1: WHAT?!  And the checks all just disappeared?!

Coworker 3: (Voice) Yes!  You understand now why we’re all freaking out?!

Coworker 1: (Holding head with one hand and the receiver with the other) Wait, so that many checks would’ve been delivered in a bigger package, then – did you get any boxes dropped off there recently?

Coworker 3: (Typing stops; sounds of rustling papers and heavier objects being dropped; voice) No – just the stationery delivery – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Coworkers 4-12: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Coworker 1: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” what?!

Coworker 7: (Voice) We never actually read the label on this thing.

Coworker 11: (Voice in the distance) Checks always arrive in large envelopes, you know?

Coworker 4: (Voice) We ordered stationery recently and this looks just like that box those arrive in, so uncanny –

Coworker 1: (Head is now lying on the desk; muffled into the phone) Does the label say “Accounts Payable” on it?

Coworker 3: (Sounds of ripping packaging; voice) Yes!  Yes!  The checks are all in here, yay!

Coworkers 4-12: (Voices) YAY!

Coworker 1: (Still on the desk) Yay.

Coworker 2: (Turns off “Mute”; voice echoes again) Great job, team, glad that’s all resolved now, keep up the good work!  I have a meeting in five so I’m signing off now, bye!

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYE!

Coworker 1: (Sits up as Coworker 2 lifts the receiver to end the call on that phone; to the others) So, do you need anything else from me?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Nope, we’re all good now, thanks!

Coworker 1: OK.  Bye.

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(Coworker 1 gently hangs up the phone and stares into the middle distance)

Coworker 2: (Smirks at Coworker 1) I’m proud of you.

Coworker 1: I feel like I just ran a mini-marathon without physically moving from this spot.

Coworker 2: And that, is why, you delegate.

Story 507: To Get What You Want, Stop Wanting It So Much

(In an office, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver, then picks it up again and slams it down several times) No, I don’t get it; no, I don’t understand!  (Sheepishly turns to Coworker 2) Sorry; I’m done now.

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Didn’t get the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Grits teeth while staring at the phone accusingly) No, I did not.  (Turns back to Coworker 2) I know I don’t have all the qualifications but I certainly worked harder for it!

Coworker 2: So?

Coworker 1: “So?”!  So that means I wanted it more and should’ve gotten it!

Coworker 2: Clearly not: wanting something more only increases your disappointment when you don’t get it.  Plus it reeks of desperation and that usually repels the people in the position to give it to you.

Coworker 1: Oh.  So you’re saying I should’ve “negged” them instead?

Coworker 2: Nah, negging usually repels people even more: putting them down would only further justify their withholding.

Coworker 1: Makes sense.  Any suggestions on what I should do, then?

Coworker 2: (Finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Whelp, I’ve found that appropriating one of the basic tenets of a religion that I don’t practice has changed my life: I came across a quote from Buddhism one day saying that the root of all suffering is desire, and it hit me over the head with how much perfect sense it made.  I stopped wanting things so much, and I’ve never been happier.

Coworker 1: Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Uh-huh.  I then started getting more of what I had wanted, right when I didn’t really want them anymore, so you see the irony.  (Turns back to type actual words on the computer)

Coworker 1: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Nothing else to it?  You don’t also have to meditate, or fast, or anything else that that religion might entail?

Coworker 2: Nah, I’m too lazy and hypocritical for all that integrity.  And it seems to be working without me doing anything else, soooo… yeah.

Coworker 1: (Taps a random key while deep in thought) Hmmmm….

Coworker 2: If you actually are going to start meditating, please do it silently while in my presence; it’s the only payment I demand for my free advice.

Coworker 1: (Stops tapping) Got it.

(In a supermarket warehouse the next day, Coworker 1 pushes a shopping hand truck up and down aisles until reaching an open section where there is a massive giveaway table surrounded by shoppers and staffed by one overwhelmed employee)

Coworker 1: (Reading the details on signs) Ooh, I’ve been wanting this for years, and now it’s free?!  (Sees the crowd and dwindling supplies) Nope; no, they’ll just run out right when I shove my way to the front, and I’ll have aggravated myself for nothing.  Best not to want it at all…. (Turns hand truck back to the aisles and continues shopping, nonchalantly)

(At the checkout)

Cashier: (Finishing scanning Coworker 1’s purchases) Did you get one of the giveaways they had in the center of the store?

Coworker 1: (Chuckles) Oh, no, I passed on all that madness.

Cashier: Would you like one?  (Holds up a giveaway) We all got it, but I don’t want mine and I’m trying to get rid of it.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the giveaway) … If you insist.

(At home the next day, Coworker 1 sits at the kitchen table, holding a cell phone with closed eyes)

Coworker 1: (Muttering) Don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it – (Opens eyes, selects a contact, and places a call) Hi, how’s everything?... Really quick: you know how for my birthday I originally said I wanted that collector’s edition comic book that I’d lost when I was a kid, but you said you were having a really hard time finding it and probably couldn’t get it?... Well, now I don’t want it anymore, so you can just get me a pack of gum or something instead…. You did find it?... Just now, you say?...  What an amazing coincidence!  Never mind, then!... Thanks, you too, bye!  (Ends the call and looks up triumphant, then haunted) This is getting a little scary.

(At the office the next day, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Yeah, wow, that’s great…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver)

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Got the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2 in shock) Yes!  Whatever-their-name-is changed their mind last-minute and turned it down, so it defaulted to me!

Coworker 2: Well, congratulations.

Coworker 1: But I’d already stopped wanting it!

Coworker 2: And hence the irony.

Coworker 1: (Buries head in hands) What am I gonna dooo????

Coworker 2: Take the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Looks up again) Obviously.  But that isn’t all.  (Reaches into pants pockets, pulls out a bunch of $1 scratch-off tickets, and holds them out to show Coworker 2, who finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Look at these: all winners.

Coworker 2: Sweet.

Coworker 1: (Shoves tickets back into pockets) Those new sneakers I pined after for weeks but could never afford?  Accidentally shipped to my address, in my size, due to a glitch and they’re letting me keep them.

Coworker 2: Nice.

Coworker 1: My dream vacation to Antarctica that I knew would never happen?  Just got offered to me yesterday all expenses paid with my local nerd explorers group because they’re suddenly short a “civilian volunteer”.

Coworker 2: Fortuitous.

Coworker 1: But all these great things are happening to me after I don’t want them anymore!

Coworker 2: And the problem is?

Coworker 1: I’m afraid if I do start wanting them again so that I actually can enjoy them, doesn’t that mean they’ll all be taken away?!

Coworker 2: Doubtful: I think gratitude might be the other half of the equation, so as long as you have that then you should be all set.

Coworker 1: Really?

Coworker 2: Definitely.  I stopped wanting to be CEO of this company years ago and that’s when it finally happened, so I was thankful for it and have been freewheeling ever since.  (Resumes typing)

Coworker 1: …Wait, you’re our CEO?!

Coworker 2: Yep.  You’re doing a great job, by the way; just need to cut down on the phone calls a bit.

Coworker 1: What?!

Coworker 2: Thanks to employees like you, the company basically runs itself; I rarely have to go to meetings anymore, which I made sure to want extra badly so they’d go away.

Coworker 1: But you come in here and work at this dinky desk every day!   Why would you do that when you could be literally anywhere else?!

Coworker 2: Gives me something to do.

Story 475: I Don’t Believe in Friday the 13th

(In an office)

Coworker 1: (Trails off while typing and slowly stares into space within the cubicle) What am I doing?  Why am I here?  Who am I really?  What am – ?!

Coworker 2: (Pops head around the corner) Hey: we’re ordering from the deli downstairs for lunch, you in?

Coworker 1: (Snaps to attention) Yeah, could I have a pastrami on rye with extra pickles and smothered in ketchup, please?

Coworker 2: Unusual, but you bet.  (Starts to slide away, then pops back in again) Oh, you mind also picking it up?  No one else wants to `cause of the date.

Coworker 1: Oh no, is today a memorial or something?

Coworker 2: What?  No, it’s Friday the 13^th.  I’m surprised anyone actually came into the office.

Coworker 1: (Laughs in disbelief) Friday the 13^th?  Seriously, everyone here’s that superstitious?

Coworker 2: Clearly – this building doesn’t even have a thirteenth floor.

Coworker 1: This building was constructed in the early 1900s so your point is outdated.

Coworker 2: Well, whatever.  We all believe in it, so since you clearly don’t, you get the thrill of having to pick up lunch.

Coworker 1: But if everyone believes in today being bad luck, why’d you all even come into work?  Why didn’t you just call out sick?

Coworker 2: …It’s Free Doughnut Friday in the conference room.

Coworker 1: Ah.  Fine, I’ll pick up lunch; just give me all the money.

Coworker 2: Sure thing – you’re the best!  (Puts on a helmet and leaves)

(Coworker 1 shakes head and opens a new e-mail message that reads: “Please redo your portion of the shared file – there was a glitch and none of your edits were saved.  Thanks a bunch!”

Coworker 1: My portion?!  That took me over three hours to do!  (Stares back to where Coworker 2 had been) Hmmmm…. nah, this is just regular annoying bad luck.

(Later, Coworker 1 arrives at the downstairs deli, exhausted)

Cashier!  Hi!  Usually don’t see you around here.

Coworker 1: (Gasping for air and leaning on the counter) I drew – the short straw – in picking up – lunch – today.

Cashier:  Sure.  (Grabs a large bag with the order and leaves it on the counter)  You feeling all right?

Coworker 1: (Hands over the money with shaking arms) The elevator – wasn’t working – had to take the stairs all the way.

Cashier: That stinks.  How many flights?

Coworker 1: All of them.

Cashier: (Takes the money and rings up the order) Well, it is Friday the 13^th –

Coworker 1: Not you, too?

Cashier: (Laughs while handing over change) Only a little bit: the most I do is avoid walking under ladders, but that’s just a good safety habit, I think.

Coworker 1: Yeah.  (Freezes) Uh-oh.

Cashier: What?  Forgot somebody’s order?

Coworker 1: (Tilts head back) I just realized, I now have to walk back up all those stairs.  With extra weight.  This’ll be the most exercise I’ve gotten in years.

Cahier: Yeah.  Or, you could take the freight elevator.

Coworker 1: Huh?

Cashier: (Points to the elevators in the hallway) I’ve been seeing people use that all day.  Guess `cause the other one is broken.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the working elevator) Son of a mmmmfffff.

(Back in the office, Coworker 1 staggers into the breakroom, dumps the food bag onto the table, and collapses onto a chair; Coworker 2 enters soon afterward)

Coworker 2: (Immediately begins going through the bag) Hey: saw you come through our department, everything OK?  You took forever.

Coworker 1: (Staring at the ceiling) The regular elevator were broken, so I took the stairs.

Coworker 2: (With a mouth full of sandwich) That’s too bad – should’ve checked the freight elevator first, I think there was an e-mail about that this morning.

Coworker 1 (With gritted teeth) So I realize.

(Coworker 3 zooms into the breakroom and heads straight for the bag)

Coworker 3: (To Coworker 1) Thanks for picking these up, you’re gonna need it: turns out we all gotta stay tonight until the big project’s done.

Coworker 2: (Still with a full mouth) I thought we had another two weeks for that?

Coworker 3: Gross.  We did, and now we have until tomorrow.  Friday the 13^th strikes again, eh, chums?  (Strolls out with a sandwich)

Coworker 2: (Muffled, to Coworker 1) Told ya.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Sighs from the depths, then takes the bag and pulls out the rest of the sandwiches) …Where’s mine?!

(Late that night, Coworker 1 arrives home and stands in the entranceway, too drained to move.  After a few moments, the phone rings)

Coworker 1: Arrrrrggggghhhhh…. (Answers the call) Whaaaaaaaat?????

Coworker 2: (Voice) Just wanted to let you know that it’s after midnight so Friday the 13^th is officially over and you can relax now.

Coworker 1: Well, thank you; I wouldn’t have gotten a wink of sleep tonight if you hadn’t called me super late to tell me that very piece of nonsense.

Coworker 2: Hey, we all had a garbage day – facts don’t lie.

Coworker 1: I want to, right now, on my bed, and sleep through the entire weekend.  Bad night to you.

Coworker 2: If you’re now convinced of the power of Friday the 13^th, then brace yourself for this tidbit of trivia.

Coworker 1: Oh joy; what now?

Coworker 2: We’ve got another one coming up in nine months.