(Sibling 2 walks from the car to the house while carrying a heavy cardboard box and kicks the front door several times)
Sibling 1: (Lazily opens the door) Heeeeeeeey, look who’s breaking and entering!
Sibling 2: Cute – mind if I drop your garbage in there now? (Holds out the box)
Sibling 1: Oh yeah, sure. (Opens the door wider to let in Sibling 2, then locks seven different bolts after closing it)
Sibling 2: (Drops the box with a crash onto the living room floor) Crime here that bad?
Sibling 1: Hm? Oh, no – habit. (Dives toward the box to rip it open and noisily rummage through the contents) You got everything?
Sibling 2: (Strolls over to the almost-fully decorated tree) Pretty much; I had to leave the one with your huge baby photo plastered on Santa’s sleigh behind, `cause Mom wanted “at least one reminder of our darling child on our family tree.” You still go over there to see her and Dad once a week, right?
Sibling 1: Sure do. No worries, I’ll just snatch it right off that sucker next time I’m there, heh-heh-heh.
Sibling 2: Don’t you dare – she’ll think she’s losing her mind when she can’t find it later.
Sibling 1: Not a problem, I’ll do it right in front of her; I’m an honest thief. (Starts taking ornaments from the box to hang on the tree)
Sibling 2: (Watches for a few moments) I dunno, this thing looks pretty full already, are you gonna be able to fit all this new-old stuff on it now, too?
Sibling 1: Yes. (Continues to hang ornaments without hesitation)
Sibling 2: You knew I was bringing over about a hundred of your kiddie ornaments today –
Sibling 1: They’re not “kiddie,” they’re “classic.”
Sibling 2: Whatever – you filled up the tree before you even got to these!
Sibling 1: Nonsense: there’s still plenty of room.
Sibling 2: (Holds one of the branches out a bit) I count three on this branch alone.
Sibling 1: Is there a rule somewhere that there can only be one ornament per branch? (Props an ice pop stick reindeer on a lower branch surrounded by a skating dog and an entire snow family)
Sibling 2: I guess not, but it looks better to space them out more, and you don’t want the whole thing to fall over and break everything.
Sibling 1: All taken care of on that front. (Lifts up several branches to reveal the tree trunk has been reinforced with steel poles, then points to the top to show guy wires leading from there to the four corners of the room)
Sibling 2: All right then.
Sibling 1: So you gonna help me out or what?
Sibling 2: Thought nearly throwing my back out hauling this stuff over here would be enough, but OK. (Takes an knitted nutcracker from the box and squeezes through the laden branches to an emptier spot near the trunk; spits out needles) Where’d you even get all this new stuff anyway?
Sibling 1: (Adds a third star as a tree topper) Oh, here and there.
Sibling 2: (Tries to leave but an arm is now stuck; panics) Um, oh no, help – I think the tree is taking me!
Sibling 1: (Walks over and pulls Sibling 2 out of the tree branches) Whatever happens, never show fear.
Sibling 2: What?
Sibling 1: (Starts hanging a string of embroidered train cars across the tree’s middle) Have a firm hand, show it who’s boss, take no sap!
Sibling 2: Sass?
Sibling 1: I said sap! (Pushes face into the branches) I see you trying to trap us forever in there! Your evil plans are foiled once again!
Sibling 2: You know you’re yelling at something that’s technically dead, don’t you?
Sibling 1: Its sacrifice for our enjoyment is not in vain, so I fail to see why it insists on fighting its fate.
Sibling 2: (Watches as more ornaments are shoved in there) I don’t know, I think you’re smothering whatever’s left. Where’re you even gonna hang the lights?
Sibling 1: (Stares at the tree with eyes widening in horror) Son of a – !
Sibling 2: Maybe it’s a good thing: there’s so much stuff on here the lights’d probably overheat and burn the whole place down.
Sibling 1: But lights are 90% of the effect!
Sibling 2: What about one of your 10 toppers up there, can you light those?
Sibling 1: And how would the rest of the tree look then, hm? I’ll tell you how – like a fool!
Sibling 2: (Holds up an ornament from the box) Well I doubt you could event fit one more macaroni… doll… whatever this thing is you made in kindergarten –
Sibling 1: IT IS THE VIRGIN MOTHER AND CHILD!
Sibling 2: Wow. Then maybe stick them on a table or something.
Sibling 1: And then where would I fit all my Nativity scenes?! (Sweeps an arm toward a side table featuring five Nativity scenes of various size and scope) And Baby Jesus can’t be anywhere near there because He hasn’t been born yet!
Sibling 2: But He can be on the tree?
Sibling 1: Yes, because that’s an ornament! (Grabs the macaroni, climbs a stepladder, and places the piece between two angel tree toppers) There. Now hand me a string of lights while you finish up the rest of the box.
Sibling 2: I think this whole thing’s a fire hazard by now.
Sibling 1: I have seven fire extinguishers sprinkled throughout the place – HAND ME THE LIGHTS!
(Sibling 2 hands over a string of lights and continues jamming ornaments onto the packed tree as Sibling 1 works down, adding lights until both finish their decorating around the same time. Sibling 1 plugs the last string into the wall outlet, and they stand back to view the colorful, bursting tree)
Sibling 2: Well, surprisingly enough, you did it. I wasn’t sure about your hardened dough snowflake from Scouts at the end there, but you managed to fit every ornament from childhood until now onto this tree. Except the one you’re planning to steal later.
Sibling 1: (Sighs contentedly) Indeed. This is the most perfect Christmas tree in the whole wide world.
Sibling 2: I’m sure the one at Rockefeller Center pales in comparison.
Sibling 1: (Tilts head while squinting eyes) Still….
Sibling 2: What?
Sibling 1: Needs tinsel.
