Story 560: Oblivia, And Then There Were...?

          [A semi-parody of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None and all those camp horror movies]

(At night in the woods, five figures sit around a campfire)

Camper 1: So, did anyone else get a weird invitation to come to this campsite and then found a note stabbed to their bunk’s pillow when they got here?  (Others nod and hold up papers with dagger holes in the middle) Thought as much.  Just to make sure we all got the same message – (Opens up another paper with a dagger hole in the middle and reads) “You thought you could get away with it, but you will be judged.  By me.  I will judge you.  Fatally, if that wasn’t clear – ” (Crumples up the paper and tosses it into the fire) it goes on like that for a bit.  I know we’re all strangers to each other, and if this note’s true for all of us then it seems we’re all pretty nasty pieces of work, but considering that there’s no cell phone service out here and all our cars’ tires were slashed somehow after we arrived with no one seeing and the only road in or out is now blocked by a sudden landslide from who-knows-where that happened who-knows-when and I doubt any of us know how to navigate by the stars or even basic cardinal directions to just walk on outta here, then we’re going to have to work together and trust each other to survive.

Camper 2: We’re all gonna die!

Camper 1: Don’t say stuff like that, it’ll start catching!  Anywho, I might as well go first with the trust portion: my crimes are embezzlement, fraud, and egregious telemarketing, and if I’d known that this would be the final result of a lifetime of deceit… yeah, I probably still would’ve done it all again; I made a lot of money.

Camper 2: Well, if my only chance of surviving all this is your physical and emotional support, then here goes: my crime is, in the words of The Bard –

Camper 3: Ugh, Shakespeare, really?

Camper 2: Hush.  In the words of The Bard, my crime is that I am “one that loved not wisely, but too well.”

Camper 3: Ugh, Othello, really?

Camper 4: Talk about inappropriate appropriation.

Camper 2: All right: I run a lonely hearts racket, and after I’ve taken all their money I post embarrassing videos my victims had sent me, for kicks and giggles.  I blur their faces, but they know it’s them.

Camper 3: <Gasp!>  That was you?! 

Camper 2: …Maybe.  There’s so many of us out there; who’s to tell?

Camper 1: (To Camper 3) What’s your story, then?

Camper 3: Oh, I e-mail ransomware viruses to major corporations and make them pay me millions to unlock their systems.  Although, the other day I accidentally attacked my own bank and now I’m locked out of my accounts and it’s been a nightmare getting back in, so I guess the joke’s on me.  I really shouldn’t have received an invite to this whole fiasco, you know – haven’t I been punished enough?

Camper 1: Gross.  (To Camper 4) And you?

Camper 4: Wellllll, I suppose you could say that I make the most of what life has to offer: when I see an opportunity, I grab it with both hands and run away with it, no matter the consequences, no matter the cost –

Camper 1: You’re a porch pirate?

Camper 4: Yeah.  (Briefly holds open one side of a jacket to show an array of accessories) I’ve actually found myself with an excess of smartwatches at the moment, if anyone’s interested.

Camper 1: Maybe later.  (Turns to the fifth figure) And, last but not least: what brings you here?

Oblivia: (Looks up from a game of solitaire that is spread out on the ground) Hm?  Oh: I think I turned off the main road too early – this isn’t the Relaxation Getaway Camp is it?

Camper 1: No, this is the Middle-of-Nowhere Doom Camp.

Oblivia: That’s too bad; probably won’t get my deposit back at this point, either.

Camper 2: Hold on: if you didn’t receive a threatening invitation and supposedly aren’t involved in any of this, how do we know you’re not the one who invited us all here and is planning to kill us, hm?!

Oblivia: (Stares blankly at Camper 2 for a few moments) Oh!  Is this like dinner theater, only an outdoor camp version?  OK, I call dibs on being the last victim!

Camper 2: Are you for real?!

Oblivia: All right, fine, you can be the last victim, then.  I’ll be the detective if no one else wants it.  (The others now stare blankly at Oblivia)  So, anyone here bring s’mores?  `Cause I sure didn’t.

(A masked figure with a roaring chainsaw comes charging out of the woods at them)

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw high) JUSTICE!!!!!

Campers 1-4: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  (They flee into the woods in four different directions)

Oblivia: (Still sitting at the campfire; points to the chainsaw) Oh hey, does that thing actually work?

Masked Figure: Huh?  (Shakes head briefly, then runs off into the woods) JUSTICE!!!!!

Oblivia: (Starts poking the fire with a stick) Hm: wonder when the guided hike is supposed to start around here?

(In the woods, Campers 2 and 3 crash into each other)

Camper 2: (Holding bruised head) Ouch!  I don’t wanna die!

Camper 3: (Also holding bruised head) It’s OK: as long as we stick together, we’ll be all right!  I think.

Camper 2: Aw, you still want to stick together even after I posed that video of you ugly-crying about your kindergarten birthday party?

Camper 3: It was my second grade birthday party, and I already hacked your social media accounts to post only controversial opinions from now on, so we’re even.

Camper 2: Oh good; I was afraid things between us would be weird.

(They crouch down behind a large tree upon hearing heavy footsteps approaching)

Camper 3: (Whispering frantically) This is it!  What do we do?!

Camper 2: (Also whispering) Run some more?

Camper 3: (Grabs a large fallen branch) I think the time has come for us to fight back!

Camper 2: You’re so brave!  (Starts to retreat to another tree) I’ll cheer you on from over here.

Camper 3: Uh-uh.  (Hands another branch to Camper 2) You’re my back-up.

Camper 2: (Tentatively takes the branch with two fingers) Um… you sure about that?

(They crouch lower behind the tree as the footsteps get louder; they see Masked Figure through the trees stomping their way, closer, and closer, and – )

Oblivia: (Strolls up behind Camper 2 and Camper 3) Oh hey, maybe you two can help: could you point me in the direction of the lake so I can do some moonlight swimming or fishing or something?

Camper 3: (Turning around to Oblivia) You – !

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw and runs toward the group) JUSTICE!!!!!

Camper 2 and Camper 3: (Dropping the branches and running away) AIIIIIIII!!!!!!

Oblivia: (Watching all three run, then shrugs and walks off in the opposite direction) Gotta be around here somewhere….

(Camper 1 arrives at the main bunkhouse, bursts through the front door, and starts frenziedly searching through possessions and beds)

Camper 1: (Muttering) Where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the – (Opens a closet door and Camper 4 falls out, landing on the floor and clutching four daggers to the chest) OH MY GOSH IT’S HAPPENING!!!

Camper 4: (Spitting out blood) Avenge – me –

Camper 1: I will, I swear it!  But first, tell me – (Grabs Camper 4’s shoulders and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) did you take my shipment of vintage T-shirts I’d been waiting weeks to arrive?!

Camper 4: (Shifty-eyed) …Well, if the box was just sitting right out there in the open –

Camper 1: Never mind: justice has been served.  (Walks away from Camper 4 and back outside)

Camper 4: …Blast….

(As Camper 1 stands on the bunkhouse steps, deep in thought, Camper 2 and Camper 3 run out of the woods nearby)

Camper 3: Oh good, you’re still alive!

Camper 1: I am – one of us didn’t make it.  (Jerks head back toward the interior of the bunkhouse)

Camper 2: Ew, I don’t wanna see that.

Camper 1: (Descends the steps to join the others) So, we need to come up with a plan to save our skins, fast.

Camper 2: How about we dig a giant pit, line the inside with sharpened stakes, and cover the whole thing with a quilt made out of sewn leaves?

Camper 1: With what tools?  And with what time?

Camper 2: You said come up with a plan fast!

Camper 3: Oh, I got it!

Camper 1 and Camper 2: Yeah?!

Camper 3: We call the cops!

Camper 1: Our phones don’t work!

Camper 3: Oh yeah – why’d I think of that, then?

Camper 2: (Hopping up and down on alternating feet) Ooooh-ooooh – he’s gonna be here any minute, I just know it!

(They all freeze in horror, then slowly turn as they hear quick footsteps coming through the woods)

Camper 1: This is it!  And I still have no idea what to do!

Camper 3: Well, he can’t get all of us if we stay in a group, right?  (The other two look balefully at Camper 3) Right?

(The footsteps get louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Emerging from the woods, holding a flashlight and a water bottle) Oh hey, there you all are – I just finished the moderate trail, which was a joke; anyone want to join me on the difficult trail and see if that’s an actual challenge?

Camper 1: (Points to Oblivia) You!

Oblivia: Me, yes?

Camper 1: (As all three approach Oblivia) He’s not after you!  We’ll use you as a body shield.  (Moves to grab her by the shirt collar)

Oblivia: (Instead grabs Camper 1’s wrist and twists, making the latter writhe and nearly fall, and then lets go) Excuse me, but if you all feel that you’re in such distress, then why don’t you just call the cops?

Camper 3: That’s what I said!

Camper 2: There’s no cell service out here!

Oblivia: Yeah, but I think that thing probably still works.  (Points to a nearby payphone)

Camper 3: Oh, that’s why I said what I said!  I just forgot why I’d said it!

(All four run to the payphone)

Camper 1: (Reads the label) Calls are $1.00?!

Camper 2: Anybody got any loose change?

(They all check their pockets)

Camper 1: (Counting coins on an upturned palm) I have 47¢.

Camper 2: I have nothing.

Camper 3: I only have a penny; I had two quarters, but I wound up throwing them in the tip jar for snacks and coffee at the gas station – the bill was over $30, so they were not happy.

Oblivia: I have a $100, but it’s a fake.

Camper 1: Daaaaaaaaaaang iiiiiiiiiiit –

Oblivia: Wait, I have an idea.  (Picks up the receiver and dials a lot of numbers)

Voice: I’m sorry, 9-1-1 does not accept collect calls.

Oblivia: (Hangs up) Worth a shot.

Camper: Wait-wait-wait, what are we doing, 9-1-1’s a free call!  (Picks up the receiver and dials; there is one ring, then silence) What – ?

Masked Figure: (Pops up from behind the payphone, holding up the roaring chainsaw in one hand and a severed wire in the other) AHA!

(The Campers jump and scream)

Oblivia: (To Masked Figure) Wow, you sure are stealthy.

Masked Figure: I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE – (Oblivia lobs the flashlight at Masked Figure’s head and knocks him down) OW!  Hey!

Director: (Bursts out of the woods with several crew members) CUT!  What just happened?!

Actor 1: I dunno, Boss, you told us to keep going no matter what.

Actor 2: Yeah, I thought maybe she was a new hire you brought in to keep us on our toes or add to the authenticity or something.

Oblivia: (In a small voice) What is going on…?

Director: I can’t believe this – we’re thousands over budget on a no-budget slasher, and now we’re on the verge of scrapping the whole thing because we can’t secure the set!

Actor 3: Can’t you just delete the messed-up parts and shoot over those?

Director: You know I’m using 8mm film!

Oblivia: Ooh, old school.

Director: (To Actor 4, who was helped back up to standing by the crew) Are you OK?

Actor 4: (Lifting up the mask and rubbing a growing bruise on the head) I think so, but I still can barely see a thing in this mask.

Director: Don’t worry about that – it makes you lumber around all over the place, which looks great.  (To the others) All right, just keep going and we’ll fix it in post.  (To Oblivia) And you –

Oblivia: Yes?

Director: Just watch, OK?

Oblivia: That’s mainly what I’ve been doing.  It’s been a lot of fun so far – you got any activities like this planned for tomorrow?

Director: We’ve gotta be out of here by tomorrow: our permits expire by then and the Scouts are coming in to hike the bird watch trail!

Oblivia: Oh, that’s too bad.

Director: (Walking back to the woods with the crew members as Actor 4 lowers the mask in place) Pick it up from “I have you now” – aaaaaaaand ACTION!

Masked Figure: (Raises the roaring chainsaw overhead) I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED!

Campers 1-3: (Holding each other in terror) OH NO!

Oblivia: (Yawns) This is getting a bit repetitive – let me know how it ends in the morning, yeah?  Thanks.  (Turns away and walks into the bunkhouse as the other four watch)

Masked Figure: …YAHHHH!!!!

Campers 1-3: WAHHHH!!!!

(Masked Figure chases Campers 1, 2, and 3 into the woods again as Oblivia picks her way through the mess that Camper 1 had made earlier, then trips over Camper 4)

Oblivia: Oops, sorry.  (Sees the daggers sticking out of Actor 5’s chest) You OK?

Actor 5: (Spits out some more red liquid) Actually, could you grab me some water, please?  This stuff tastes disgusting.

Oblivia: Sure.  (Fills up a glass of water and hands it down to Actor 5)

Actor 5: Much obliged.  (Gulps the water, then swishes and spits out the mess back into the glass)

Oblivia: Whelp, I’m going to bed – you gonna be all right down there?

Actor 5: Oh yeah, just... waiting.

Oblivia: Cool-cool.  (Dives onto a bunk without changing into pajamas, tucks the blankets under her chin, and sighs in contentment) Well, that was something different.  I wonder if they’re all having as much fun as I am?

Story 512: Oblivia and the Vampire

            (In a movie theater lobby, Oblivia and Friend make their way to the exit)

Friend: Well, all I can say is I’m glad I only spent $6 on what we just saw because, wow.

Oblivia: (Scraping the bottom of a popcorn bucket to get the remnants) How do you mean?

Friend: For one thing, at least an hour could’ve been trimmed off the runtime since that middle section led absolutely nowhere, and for another, the storyline was predictable and boring!

Oblivia: (Tosses the empty bucket into a garbage can before the two exit the building to hover near the curb) I thought it was all right – I like it when I know how something’s going to end, it gives me a sense of security and lessens my anxiety about fictional characters’ fates.

Friend: Fine – what about the “acting”, emphasis on the air quotes?

Oblivia: Oh, you’re right about that: everyone was pretty much terrible in this one, unfortunately.

Friend: Thank you.

Oblivia: Except for the swing band members who kept randomly popping up – they were hilarious.

Friend: Agree to disagree.  So, need a lift to your car?

Oblivia: Nah; thanks, though: it’s just at the end of that aisle over there.  Gotta get home to the kiddies now?

Friend: Oh no, they’ll be there next week or else I wouldn’t have gone out tonight.  Kind of lonely the weeks they’re not at my house, know-what-I-mean?

Oblivia: Kind of: I’ve lived alone for more than 10 years and it’s mostly fine, but one in a while it gets a little lonely, too.  Maybe I should borrow some kids when I start feeling that way?

Friend: I don’t recommend doing that, ever.  Anyway, this was fun; have a good night; safe getting home!

Oblivia: (Waving as the two part ways) You, too!  (Walks all the way down the nearly empty aisle to reach her car, not noticing a figure leaning against a lamppost almost next to it)

Vampire: (Wearing jeans and a T-shirt clothes; to Oblivia’s back as she is about to open the driver’s side door) Sooooooo….

Oblivia: (Turns around abruptly) Huh?

Vampire: Lonely, are we?  (Makes a show of slowly running tongue over upper fangs)

Oblivia: Heh?

Vampire: (Pauses, then stands up straight) What you were saying to your friend just now.

Oblivia: (Looks up briefly to remember the conversation) Oh, that.  Wait a minute, you eavesdropped on me saying that from almost 1,000 feet away?  That’s a bit rude.

Vampire: …Yeah, it’s kind of hard to turn it off.  Anywho, I possibly could help with you feeling, you know, less lonely.  (Starts moving in closer to Oblivia) Make you feel wanted, instead.  Needed.  Loved.

Oblivia: (Laughs) Thank you very much, but I’m happy with my current religion.

Vampire: What?

Oblivia: Aren’t you a Jehovah’s Witness?

Vampire: (Cackles evilly) Quite the opposite, my dear.

Oblivia: Satanist?

Vampire: No!  That one doesn’t do it for me, either.  Look, what I’m offering is an eternity of never feeling lonely again.

Oblivia: Well, that’s not as much of a problem as you seem to think it is, but how so, then?

Vampire: Because you’ll be MINE FOREVER.  (Eyes blazing red and fangs lengthening, begins reaching for Oblivia)

Oblivia: (Grimaces) Ew.  Textbook possessive behavior with a hearty dollop of narcissism to boot.  No thanks!  (Gets into the car, gestures at Vampire to back up a smidgen, and drives off)

Vampire: (Staring at the receding car with arms still outstretched) …WHAT?!

(At home, Oblivia has changed into pajamas and is putting away some clothes lying around her bedroom when she sees something fluttering at the closed window)

Oblivia: Is that a confused bird?  (Peers closer through the glare of the bedroom light on the window at the figure now perched on the outside ledge) Aw, it’s a bat!  You go get all those bloodsucking mosquitos, buddy!  (Bat morphs into Vampire, then falls off the ledge) Oh, you again.  How’d you find out here I live?

Vampire: (Stands while brushing off leaves and dirt) I followed you here, obviously.

Oblivia: And a stalker too; you’re just one big mess, aren’t you?

Vampire: Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot – please allow me to make it up to you.

Oblivia: Sure thing: you can start by leaving since it’s beddy-bye time.

Vampire: (Tries to lean alluringly on the narrow ledge) I was thinking more along the lines of me showing you the wonders of the night.

Oblivia: Is that a new pick-up line?

Vampire: (Stands up) No, it’s – here, I can explain everything if you just invite me in.

Oblivia: Why would I do that?  You’re a stranger.

Vampire: For what I just said!  The wonders of the night!

Oblivia: Yeah, but I’m more of a morning person.

Vampire: You don’t understand – I’m offering you immortality!  You will never grow old, you will never become ill, you will never die!  (In a low voice) Again.

Oblivia: What was that last part?

Vampire: Power over your enemies!

Oblivia: I don’t have any.

Vampire: All the money in the world!

Oblivia: Eh – not worth it after the first two million.

Vampire: Never having to go to work again!

Oblivia: (Slides up the window and leans on the sill) I’m listening.

Vampire: (Also leans on the outside ledge) Freedom to travel anywhere and everywhere you’ve ever wanted to go!  The world will be your oyster that you literally suck dry!

Oblivia: Gross.

Vampire: Well, that is the catch.

Oblivia: What, I gotta eat only oysters now?

Vampire: (Sighs, then adopts an ominous tone) In exchange for all these glorious rewards, you merely need to feast on your former fellow creatures.

Oblivia: (Gasps in horror) You’re a cannibal?!

Vampire: For the love of – I’m a vampire!

Oblivia: You’re a what?

Vampire: Yes, we exist, we’re here to stay, and I have selected you for the honor of joining our loving family.  Clearly out of convenience rather than merit, since no one else was nearby at the time.

Oblivia: No, I mean, what’s a vampire?

Vampire: (Laughs, then stops on seeing the blank look on Oblivia’s face) You’re not serious?

Oblivia: Yeah, are you trying to say you’re a special kind of umpire or something like that?

Vampire: Let me get this straight: you’re telling me, in this day and age, in this part of the world, inundated by pop culture whether you like it or not, you have never heard of the word “vampire”?!

Oblivia: Nope, but I also don’t pick up on much in general, so don’t take it personally.  Did you get special training for this career?

Vampire: (Stares inwardly and shakes head) Unbelievable….

Oblivia: (Stands) Whelp, this was a nice break from the routine, but I gotta go into work early tomorrow, so, bye!  (Slams the window shut, closes the blinds, turns out the light, gets into bed, and falls asleep immediately)

Vampire: (Sits down on a nearby bush, still staring inwardly) Unbelievable….

(In a supermarket parking lot late the next afternoon, Oblivia whistles while wheeling a shopping cart of groceries to her car as the sun sets)

Vampire: (Lands while transforming from bat form immediately after the sun is gone) Heyyyy....

Oblivia: (After tossing the last bag into the trunk) Oh, hey, still not staying as a bat again?

Vampire: No, the bat’s only for transportation!

Oblivia: (Tsks) That’s too bad, I liked that version of you better; such a cute, furry little thing.  (Slams the trunk door shut and wheels the shopping cart to a nearby corral)

Vampire: (Mutedly grinds fangs while trotting along to keep up) Have you considered my proposal at all today?

Oblivia: (Shoves the cart a few times into a growing stack until it fits) Hm?  I don’t remember you asking me to marry you last night; we haven’t even gotten to the fooling-around stage yet.

Vampire: (Eyes begin blazing red and fangs lengthen again) This is your last chance, Mortal!

Oblivia: (Walking back to the car as Vampire again trots along to keep up) Great, you think you’re a god now; there’s really nowhere else to go from there.

Vampire: (Runs in front of Oblivia to hypnotize her) <Give your soul to me!>

Oblivia: (Stops) Wow.  I think you need to work on that self-esteem issue that’s clearly the root of all your problems.  (Digs into her handbag and hands Vampire a business card) I always find volunteering is a great way to put things in perspective while helping others in need – this organization distributes food and clothing and provides people with job training; I seriously recommend you contact them to help out where you can.  They’re mostly only open during the day, but I’m sure they can find something for you to do that fits your apparently nocturnal schedule.  (Pats Vampire on the shoulder) Best wishes on your life!  (Gets into the car and drives off)

(Vampire stares at the car, then back down at the card as a bat flies over and transforms into Head Vampire)

Head Vampire: Well?  That one was practically a “gimme”, and yet you managed to utterly fail in either converting her to one of us or even making a meal for yourself!  By all rights, I should demote you back to “Trainee” status since remedial education is clearly in order!

Vampire: (Hangs head in shame) I understand.

Head Vampire: And what is that she gave you!

Vampire: (Hands over the card) Here.

Head Vampire: (Starts reading in disgust, then nods thoughtfully) Hm, maybe it is about time we start giving back to the community. 

Vampire: Might help with our image.

Story 372: Oblivia’s New Year 2021

 (At home, Oblivia wears a comfy robe and pajamas and hums while making a cup of coffee and waffles.  She then gleefully carries a tray with her breakfast and sets it on her bed, then snuggles under the covers before turning on a laptop and logging into a video conference)

Manager: (Addressing the four other screens in attendance) So let’s get started – first off, you’ve probably all guessed by now no one’s getting a bonus this year.  (The others mumble in the affirmative) And we’ve lucked out the company doesn’t have lay off anyone – yet – but I was told we have to slash the department’s hours again –

Coworker 1: But my health insurance can’t take any slashing!

Manager: Don’t worry, I’m told that’ll be unaffected – (Mutters underneath biting nails) – for now.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Then yay, shorter work week!

Manager: The workload’s increased and you have even less time to do it in.

Coworker 1: Aw, nuts.

Manager: Now, let’s go over the budget – how’re the numbers for this quarter?

Coworker 2: Abysmal.

Manager: Drat.  How’s Marketing looking?

Oblivia: (Mouth full of toast, gives two thumbs-up) Great!  Practically the best it’s ever been!

Manager: …Are you… wearing your PJs and eating breakfast in bed?

Oblivia: Oh yeah, this is the best set-up I’ve had in years!  I love working from home, don’t you?

Manager: (Slow blink as a screaming toddler runs past in the background) Not particularly.

Coworker 3: Speaking of, year-ago-me can’t believe I’m asking this but any word on when we might be able to come back into the office?

Manager: (Tosses away a cat walking across the desk) What do you think?!

Coworker 3: Just checking – I’m starting to lose feeling in my legs for hours at a time now that I’m working from the couch all day long.

Manager: Oh, boo-hoo!  Remind everyone out there to feel bad for your inconvenience!

Coworker 3: I withdraw my statement.

Manager: Seriously though – get up and take a walk once in a while, you might be working on deep vein thrombosis.

Coworker 3: What?

Oblivia: (Slurps coffee) By the way, anybody got plans for New Year’s Eve?

Manager: Are you kidding?!

Oblivia: I usually wind up staying home, but I like to live vicariously by hearing about what everyone else is doing.

Coworker 1: Staying home.

Coworker 2: Staying home.

Coworker 3: Staying home.

Manager: Staying home, like we’ve been doing all year long!

Coworker 2: I thought it was only since March?

Manager: “Only”?!

Oblivia: I also wanted to see if you all made resolutions yet.  Mine’re the same every year: eat healthier and read at least one educational book.  I fail every year, though.

Coworker 2: Heh, my resolutions usually are the book thing and lose 20 pounds.  I also fail.

Coworker 1: I resolve in 2021 to be more appreciative for the good things in my life.  Oh, and also wash my hands better, `cause apparently I’m still pretty bad at it.

Coworker 3: I’m resolving to walk every day, and call my family and friends more, and volunteer somewhere at least once a month, and – I’m already exhausted, forget it.

Oblivia: Ooh, I’m gonna add the walking bit, maybe I’ll be able to squeeze that into errands, hm?

Manager: Who cares?!  I’m trying to run a meeting here and no one’s paying attention!  This department barely functioned on a good day and it’s even worse now that everyone’s telecommuting!

Oblivia: I don’t know, I think this has been a successful experiment with all of us not having to deal with each other in-person 40+ hours a week; I’d like to continue it forever if that’s all right.

Manager: It’s not an experiment!  Do you even know what’s going on around you?!

Oblivia: Year-round hibernation?

(Manager clunks head down on the desk)

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(In the same robe and pajamas, Oblivia samples from champagne and desserts while watching television shows leading up to 2021)

News Anchor: – we’ll all certainly be glad to say “Good Riddance” to 2020, and look forward to a hopefully better 2021.

Oblivia: Don’t people say that every year?  (Watches the ball drop)

Crowds: Happy New Year, dagnabbit!  Save us, 2021!

Oblivia: Hm.  It would be ironic if this is the year an asteroid finally does wipe us all out.

Story 261: Chillingly Commonplace Horror Theatre Presents: Terror at a Microscopic Level!

Warning: The following story is not for the faint of stomach!

            Narrator: She thought Evil could not harm her….

            [Shots of haunted woods and disturbed crypts]

            Narrator: She thought she was safe from all nightmares….

            [Shots of bloody fangs and decaying mansions, backed by the sound of a howling werewolf]

            Narrator: SHE – WAS – willfully uninformed.

            [On a creepily sunny day, Oblivia is jogging in the park when she trips over a random rock, falls, and cuts her hand]

           Oblivia: Ow!  Oh well.  (Sucks the wound and jogs right past the conveniently placed running-water bathroom)

          Shadowy Figure: (Peeking around a tree to watch her progress) Heh-heh, what a perfect victim.

            Narrator: She never imagined that danger lurks around every corner….

            [In an office, Oblivia is on the telephone while juggling papers]

           Oblivia: No, I said it was Thursday; why would I have said it was Wednesday when it was Thursday?  (Wipes runny nose with her hand, sniffling loudly) No, I don’t have a cold, and that wouldn’t make me think one day of the week and say another!  (Sniffles louder and wipes her nose again) That doesn’t change the fact that it was still Wednesday!  I mean Thursday, argh!

            Co-Worker: (Holding out a tissue and a bottle of hand sanitizer to her) Please take these, I’m begging you.

            Oblivia: Oh I’m good, thanks.  (Wipes nose yet again and returns to the call) Maybe you need a sick day for your confusion!

            Shadowy Figure: (Leaning out from behind a tall office plant) This is too good.

            Narrator: Nowhere is safe, not even her own home….

            [In her apartment, Oblivia’s friend is reading a magazine in the kitchen.  From the bathroom, the sound of a toilet flush is heard; Oblivia immediately exits and heads to the kitchen to make a sandwich]

            Friend: (Staring at her) Uhhhhh… did you wash your hands?

            Oblivia: What for?  (Assembles the sandwich)

            Friend “What for?”  You were just in the bathroom!

            Oblivia: What’s your point?  (Licks butter off fingers)

         Friend: Ugh!  Ah!  Ugh!  Ugh!  Ugh!  (Flings away the magazine and runs out of the apartment, screaming all the way out of the building)

            Oblivia: Weirdo.  (Eats sandwich)

            [Horror music plays as Shadowy Figure emerges from the darkened hallway]

            Shadowy Figure: Hello there.

          Oblivia: (Mouth full of sandwich) How’d you get in here?  Front door’s that way.  (Horror music cuts off as she points behind her shoulder)

            Shadowy Figure: What?  No, let me start over: (Horror music resumes) I’ve been with you for ages now, following your every move, and it’s about time I introduced myself.  (Hovers menacingly over her)

            Oblivia: I should say so – stalking someone without at least letting them know about it is just plain rude.

           Shadowy Figure: Well, get used to me being here: since I’m your new best friend, you can call me “Sep.”

            Oblivia: “Sept?”  As in “seven?”

            Shadowy Figure: No, “Sep”-puh, it’s – forget it, I’m Sepsis.

            Oblivia: What the blazes does that even mean?

           Shadowy Figure: I am the culmination of basically all the infections, the end result of their mass accumulation inside you.  (Pokes her shoulder, making her drop some potato chips onto the floor)

          Oblivia: Whatever dude, I’m having lunch right now so you can go accumulate inside someone else until I’m done.  (Picks up the chips and eats them)

            Shadowy Figure: Now that’s just – see what you did right there?

            Oblivia: (Mouth full of chips) What, eat?

           Shadowy Figure: Eat food that had fallen on the filthy floor!  Not to mention all those times you didn’t disinfect the scores of cuts, scrapes, and other breaches of your primary defense system!  And don’t get me started on the non-handwashing!

            Oblivia: Again with the handwashing: you people obsess over that way too much and should mind your own business.  (Brushes crumbs onto the floor and licks fingers)

            Shadowy Figure: You fool, don’t you realize that with your every action YOU INVITED US IN??!!

            Oblivia: Who’s “us?”

         (Shadowy Figure points to the living room where a whole host of Shadowy Figures are lounging around)

            Shadowy Figures: Whaaaa s’up!

            Oblivia: Now how did you guys get in here?  Never mind, just get out now; I want to take a nap.

            Shadowy Figure: Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.  (Horror music plays louder)

            Oblivia: Well you’re not, so I’m going to nap as much as I darn well please; all y’all can lock the door on your way out, m’kay?  (Coughs a lot into her hand, then opens the door for them to leave)

            Shadowy Figure: (Points to her hand) You see!  It’s stuff like that that’s brought on your own DOOM!

            Oblivia: I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t feel particularly doomed.  (Begins shivering)

            Shadowy Figure: (Pulls two other Shadowy Figures out from the crowd) You’ve got influenza –

            Influenza: Hi!  (Is pushed aside)

            Shadowy Figure: – and pneumonia –

            Pneumonia: Yo.  (Is pushed aside)

          Shadowy Figure:  – along with all of them – (Waves at the rest, who wave back) – which weakened you completely, so now, you have ME.  (Lightning flashes and thunder crashes, but there is no rain)

            Oblivia: (Starting to teeter) You, being Sepsis?

           Sepsis: The one and only.  End of the line for you, MWAHAHAHA!  Unless you call 9-1-1 right now.

            Shadowy Figures: Booooo, hissssss!!

            Oblivia: (Pulls phone out of her pocket as she sinks to the floor) But… I never even heard of you…

            Shadowy Figure: Never even – ?!  I kill at least 270,000 people a year!

            Oblivia: Really?

            Shadowy Figure: Yeah.  It’s very serious and sad.  (They stare at the floor for a moment) Still want to be next?

            Oblivia: Ahhhh!!!  (Dials 9-1-1)

            [Cut to Oblivia being wheeled out of a hospital]

            Nurse: You have your discharge instructions?

            Oblivia: Oh yes, and lots of these.  (Holds up a bag of hand sanitizers)

            Nurse: Good.  Be well!

           [Oblivia is driven home by a relative and returns to her apartment bedroom.  As she lies down, ominous music begins to play; she opens her eyes to see Shadowy Figure standing there at the foot of the bed]

            Oblivia: Now what?

           Shadowy Figure: I know you defeated me eventually and all that, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m always here if you find yourself slipping up on the hygiene bit again and – (Is cut off by Oblivia throwing a pillow at it)

           Narrator: Be sure to tune in next time for Chillingly Commonplace Horror Theatre Presents: Jaywalking With Danger.  Until then, pleasant dreams.