Story 368: (Accidentally) Sending Inappropriate Holiday Cards

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a tuna fish sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Hey, everything OK?

Friend 1: Do you know what date it is?!

Friend 2: Uhhh, yeah, it’s November 30.

Friend 1: (Shoving a supermarket cart down the greeting card aisle; the phone is wedged between a shoulder and an ear) Exactly!  Thanksgiving was so late this year that I have not bought, let alone mailed, one season’s greetings card yet!  Not!  One!

Friend 2: (Resumes sandwich) Relax, there’s plenty of time.

Friend 1: I have no time!

Friend 2: But there’s still almost a whole month until Christmas and Kwanzaa, and it’s even almost two weeks until Hanukkah starts –

Friend 1: I HAVE NO TIME!

Friend 2: Whatever.  Then what are you calling me for?

Friend 1: I need someone who’d understand what I’m going through right now!

Friend 2: Let me know when you find one.  (Disconnects the call and closes eyes while enjoying the rest of the sandwich)

Friend 1: (“Gaaah”s while tossing the phone into the shopping cart, then faces the rows of cards with all the December and early January holidays.  Frantically scans the tab headings while muttering) No time – no time – no time – no time – (Finally sweeps a whole swath of cards and plastic holders into the cart and races to the cash registers at the front of the store) Why must I be burdened with so many loving family and friends?!

 ONE WEEK LATER

            (Friend 1 is relaxing on the living room couch watching a movie)

         Friend 1: Heh-heh, silly audience-insert character – don’t you know the protagonist is really explaining the whole situation to us?  (Pauses the movie to answer the ringing phone) Yo – `sup?

Friend 2: Glad to hear you suddenly have all the time in the world.

Friend 1: What’re you talking about?

Friend 2: Never mind; listen, were you paying attention when you were hysterically mailing all those cards you just had to get at the end of last month?

Friend 1: Last mon – oh, you mean last week.

Friend 2: Still was last month – you had that much time.

Friend 1: Fine, yeah, I kept track of what I sent out; why, you got yours already?

Friend 2: Oh, I sure did.

Friend 1: Great!

Friend 2: And I ain’t your grandkid.

Friend 1: …What’s that?

Friend 2: You sent me a card that said “Happy Hanukkah to My Beloved Grandchild.”

Friend 1: Odd….

Friend 2: What’s even odder is that you handwrote my name inside and called me “Bestie.”

Friend 1: Interesting….

Friend 2: Thanks anyway for the thought, but you might get a few more phone calls like this.  (Disconnects)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto the couch and resumes the movie) Probably a fluke.

(Several states away, Friend 1’s Grandparent opens a card from Friend 1)

Grandparent: (Reads) “Merry Christmas to the Best Teacher I Ever Had.  A+!”  Oh dear, I think that child has lost it.  Bound to happen with this family.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s parents open their card)

Dad: (Reads) “Season’s Greetings to the World’s Best Boss, From All of Us in the Office!”  Wow.

Mom: What disturbs me most is that “Mom and Dad” are handwritten inside.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Aunt opens a card)

Aunt: (Reads) “Mazel Tov on Your Bar Mitzvah!”  I don’t even know where to start.

(Several towns away, Friend 3 opens a card)

Friend 3: (Reads) “Happy Kwanzaa to You and Yours!”  Aw, that’s nice.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Cousin opens a card)

Cousin: (Reads) “Every Christmas Married to You Reminds Me Miracles Really Do Come True”….  Did I miss something?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Yes, how can I help you today?

Friend 1: (Soaking feet in a home pedicure tub) So yeah, a whole bunch of people called, but I am not doing this again.

Friend 2: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 1: The thing with the cards!

Friend 2: Oh, that.  Well, that’s what you get when you rush, especially when it seems you didn’t even have to.

Friend 1: I must say, there was one recipient who did get a holiday- and relationship-appropriate card from me.

Friend 2: Congratulations: a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Friend 1: Scorn away – I will triumph.

Friend 2: In what?  It’s over!

Friend 1: In next year.  I’ll send all my cards in August, and we’ll see who’s confused then!

Friend 2: Pretty much everyone, I’d imagine.

Story 272: The Accidental Adventure

            (Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

            Friend 2: (Looking out the window) Sure you still don’t want to try ---------- ----- Park?

            Friend 1: They’re digging up half the place to install who-knows-what and the other half’ll be all muddy with yesterday’s rain.  Least at ----- ---- Park, we can use the paved trails all the way and hop on the roads if the mud takes over.

            Friend 2: Yeah, but this is the off-season; the beaches there are closed.

           Friend 1: And?  We’re not there for the beach: it’s January and we’re not dedicated fishers, or surfers, or dog-walkers.

            Friend 2: The restrooms also will be closed.  (Friend 1 glares at Friend 2) Might be something to think about.

            Friend 1: I think you should’ve gone before we left, like a good child.

            (They drive into the park)

            Friend 2: Oh no, the sign says there’s limited service.

            Friend 1: Of course there is, it’s off-season; didn’t we just have this conversation?

            Friend 2: No, it says there’s limited service because of the government shutdown.

            Friend 1: (Covers right ear with right hand while steering with the left) No politics, la-la-la-la-la!

            Friend 2: It’s not – I’m telling you what the sign says; this technically is a national park so there’s going to be limited service here during the shut –

            Friend 1: (Briefly covers both ears) NO!  POLITICS!

            Friend 2: Obtuse.  I’m just surprised this place is even open at all.

            Friend 1: Whelp, they didn’t seal off the entrance and there’re other cars milling about like us, so we’re going for it!

            (They aim for a parking lot and see a ranger truck and wooden barricades are blocking it)

            Friend 2: Huh, people are still working here – good show.

            Friend 1: Aw man, this was my starting point for the trail!

            Friend 2: Why not just go back to where it starts by the park entrance?

            Friend 1: Go back?  Never!  It’s onward or nothing!  (Speeds off)

            Friend 2: You’re exhausting.

            (They turn onto a lane for another lot that leads through the woods and far off the main road)

            Friend 2: How big is this island?  We’ve been driving on this thing for five minutes and I’ve yet to see any other cars –

            Friend 1: (Leaning forward intensely and gripping the steering wheel) It’s not an island, it’s a peninsula!

            Friend 2: Seriously?!  Ooh, quick, there’s the lot over there!

           Friend 1: (Swerves into the lot and parks with screeching tires) See?  There are other cars here.

           Friend 2: Yes, two whole other cars.  I have no idea where we are now – where’s the trail map?

            Friend 1: (As they exit the car) I never bother with those here: it’s all paved trails, where else are we gonna go, the ocean?

            Friend 2: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean the trail won’t just disappear into the ocean, and then where will we be?!

            Friend 1: We’ll just keep the water on our left as we head back, now stop ruining this for me!  (Finds the trail) You coming or not?

          Friend 2: (Sighs) The moment we get lost, I’m turning around and leaving you with the seagulls.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: Ah, there’s the lighthouse!  The last time I tried to drive over to it I wound up in the middle of a small town and was afraid the Coast Guard was going to kick me out.

           Friend 2: Great, you finally found the ginormous lighthouse that’s been hiding from you all these years, can we go now?

            Friend 1: It took us 45 minutes to drive out here; we are staying at least an hour and a half to get our time’s worth.  I would say money’s worth, but they only charge admission in the summer.

            Friend 2: An hour and – ?  I don’t think I can walk that long in one stretch!

           Friend 1: Lazy.  Go sit on the World War II battery wall and I’ll get you on the way back, then.

          Friend 2: No way you’re not – the woods on the other side look like they’re hiding something up to no good.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: (Pointing to the right side of the trail) Oh look, a random workout station!

            Friend 2: That… certainly is random.

          Friend 1: Want to try it out?  I need to work on my arms.  (Hops onto one of the machines and begins pulling levers)

          Friend 2: That’s OK, I’m getting sufficient exercise at the moment.  (Hears a noise and freezes) Are there bears here?

            Friend 1: (In mid-pull) Huh?  Nah, just about 300 species of migratory birds, but no bears.

            Friend 2: How do you know?

            Friend 1: Said so on the Web site.  (Hops off the machine)

          Friend 2: Well what if that wasn’t updated?  What if bears were driven out of their homes on the mainland and decided to hang out here where it’s peaceful?  These trees aren’t big enough to climb away from them and there’s no one to call for help in time and I would never be able to outrun one and it’ll be a terrible way to die!

            Friend 1: You’re exhausting.  (Continues on the trail)

            Friend 2: That’s my line!

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: Ooh, look over there – ruins!

            Friend 2: Huh?

            Friend 1: (Runs past and climbs up an elevated cement floor in a clearing, spreading arms out) I read this was a testing ground for World War II weapons – they used to fire the big guns here – (Points down, then over to a fenced off area behind them) and there’re old buildings over there where they used to store everything.  You can tell that was important `cause now it’s all condemned.

            Friend 2: (Reads one of the explanatory signs stationed in the area) Hm.  They used to shoot things here until they saw the range was too short and had to pack the whole thing off to another state.  Bet the wildlife here was happy about that.

            Friend 1: (Hops back down to the ground, looking off to the side) Yeah; wonder if that guy is a reenactor or something.

            Friend 2: (Looks up from the sign) What guy?

           Friend 1: (Gestures with head) That guy, with the old-timey uniform.  Think he’s an employee, or a volunteer who does this sort of stuff for kicks?

         (They watch as the guy walks to the condemned area, opens a non-existent door, and disappears from view)

            Friend 2: I’d like to get lost some more now, please.

            Friend 1: Let’s.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            (On a beach)

           Friend 2: All right, how much longer can I stare at the soothing waves and impersonal city skyline?

            Friend 1: (Staring at the waves) Just a little longer….

          Friend 2: (Looks behind them) Oh good, there’s the lighthouse; as long as we keep that in  view, we should be able to make our way back to the car easily.

            Friend 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, good, `cause I lost track of the turn-offs we made ages ago.  Guess I should’ve brought a trail map, huh?

            Friend 2: Sigh.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: So, the lighthouse should be getting bigger as we get closer to it, yes?

            Friend 1: Just keep walking: we are on the trail and the trail will not lead us astray.

            Friend 2: That’s true if we’re walking in the right direction –

            Friend 1: Never question the trail!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: Did we pass that half-collapsed building when we first got here this morning, or did we just pass it five minutes ago?

           Friend 1: (Starts spinning helplessly in the center of a grassy common, surrounded by old Navy buildings converted into marine science labs) I – don’t – know!!!!! (Collapses onto the grass and sobs)

            Friend 2: All right, get up.  (Hauls Friend 1 off the ground and brushes off grass; points to a road) I think that was by the beginning part of the trail that led us here; we can take that back and see if it’ll bring us to the car, OK?

            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.

            Friend 2: (Puts a comforting arm around Friend 1’s shoulder as they walk) Would you like me to make you some hot chocolate when we get back?

            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.

           (They turn a corner and see the car, now surrounded by a massive number of vehicles in the lot)

            Friend 1: (Runs to the car and kisses the windshield) Oh bless you, my baby, I’ll never leave you again!

            Friend 2: Whatever – could you let me in?

          Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Unlocks the doors and the two collapse inside) Wow, my feet sure do hurt.  Good thing we don’t have to walk all the way back home, heh?

            Friend 2: Heh-heh-heh – just drive.

           Friend 1: (Starts the engine, pulls out of the lot onto one of the roads, then slams on the brakes) So… any idea which way now to get out of here?