Story 428: Not Quite the Part I Auditioned For

 (In a gym, Actor is running on a treadmill while watching a show on the display)

Actor: (Suddenly stops and almost falls off) Wait, that was a cliffhanger?!  (Checks watch) Yeah, I can run for another hour.  (Taps the controls to start the next episode) This better be worth it.

Neighboring Runner: It rarely is.

Actor: I know, right?  (Looks down as cell phone on an arm band rings; pauses the video and slows the treadmill to a walk while answering) Hey, what’s up?

Agent: (On the phone while leaving a conference room) Hey-hey-hey, I’ve got great news for you!  I heard back from the rom-com director today, and you’re in!

Actor: (Muted excitement) YESSSS!!!!!  (Clears throat) That’s, that’s really great news, thanks!

Agent: It gets better: you’re gonna be playing opposite the female lead, you know, the one you’ve been crushing on forever, what’s-her-name.

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh) Well, not really “opposite”; I mean, Best Friend to the male lead would get some screen time with her, I guess; no big deal.

Agent: That’s the best part: you didn’t get the Best Friend role, they decided to go with that stand-up comic everyone wants in all their movies now, you know, what’s-his-name.

Actor: Oh.  Yeah, he’d actually be much better for the part than me, so I can’t be upset.  So, what, I’m Second Best Friend now?

Agent: Even better!

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh again) Don’t tell me the male lead dropped out and I’m now it?

Agent: You’re right, you’re not: you’re playing the Plucky Heroine’s Douchey Boyfriend, yay!

Actor: (Nearly falls off the treadmill again) Whaaaaaat????

Neighboring Runner: You mind relocating your drama somewhere else, please?  I’m trying to hate-watch the series finale of Sword Slash.

Actor: Sorry.  (Shuts off the treadmill, wipes it down, and moves to an unoccupied section of the gym while continuing the conversation in a loud whisper) I don’t understand – why would they cast me as that?!

Agent: I dunno, maybe you gave off a douchey vibe during your audition.

Actor: That wasn’t what I was going for!

Agent: Who cares?  Bottom line is, you now get to be all lovey-dovey with someone you have a thing for, and get paid for it the entire time!

Actor: No I don’t!  I get to be the one who makes her miserable and the audience boos every time I’m on screen!

Agent: Come on, no one actually does that.

Actor: I’ve seen it happen!

Agent: I’m sure it’s all in good fun.

Actor: Whatever – this is a nightmare!

Agent: Don’t exaggerate: it’s just a job, you’ll thank me eventually, now go out there and do your douchiest.

Actor: Argh!

Agent: Oh, one more thing –

Actor: What else could there possibly be?!

Agent: When you start rehearsals, could you get her autograph for me?... Hello?

(At the beginning of filming, the actors and crew are gathered in a coffee house set)

Director: All right everyone, remember the blocking; lighting’s all set up and not moving ever; just do it like you did at the table read and we should get through this with minimal waste and maximum efficiency.  Places!

(Actor and Female Lead go sit on the couch while holding empty coffee cups)

Female Lead: (To Actor) Do you need Makeup again?  You seem a bit sweaty.

Actor: (Briefly touches hairline with a shaking hand) I think it’s the lights – I’ll be fine, thanks.

Director: Action!

(Crew Member holds a clapperboard in front of the camera and shouts out the scene and take number)

Plucky Heroine: You called me a bajillion times last night.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Sips coffee) Well, maybe I wouldn’t’ve had to if you’d answered just once.

Plucky Heroine: I was busy.

Douchey Boyfriend: I bet.  (Slurps coffee a bit too loudly and clears throat)

Plucky Heroine: What is that supposed to mean?

Douchey Boyfriend: It means, I think you were getting busy with that guy you’ve been spending all your spare time with lately, you know, Clive?  Clark?  Clifford?

Plucky Heroine: Brendan?

Douchey Boyfriend: Yeah, that loser.  (Shakily sets the cup down on a nearby table) Guess he’s got something I don’t, huh.

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Stares with wide eyes at Plucky Heroine, speaking with a small voice) I’m sorry.

Director: Cut!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What was that?!

Actor: (Still staring) …Improv?

Director: (To Actor) You: stick to the script!  (To everyone else) Everyone else: pick it up from the next-to-last line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Glares back) You bi – (Twitches jaw) You – mmmmmm – (Closes eyes briefly, runs hand through hair, then points at Plucky Heroine) You b-eautiful human being –

Director: CUT!  (Female Lead throws her hands up in the air)

Actor: (To Director) I’m sorry, but I just don’t think this guy would be calling her a nasty name if he truly wants her to stay his girlfriend!  (Looks intensely at Female Lead) I never would.

Female Lead: Dude – the character’s a douche, he doesn’t care about her, he just wants to win!

Actor: Well that’s just mean.

Director: Take it up with the screenwriter – now pick it up from your line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Douchey Boyfriend: You b-----.  (Cringes)

Plucky Heroine: No, you’re the b-----.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Gasps) You take that back!

Plucky Heroine: (Stands and flings the coffee cup away; it lands perfectly in a nearby trash can) Never!  I see now what true love really is, and you’re not it!  (Starts to leave)

Douchey Boyfriend: (Follows her on his knees) No, wait, please come back, I love you!

Female Lead: (Spins around) WHAT?!

Director: WHAT?!  I mean, CUT!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What are you doing?!

Actor: (Looks around the entire room staring back) I might have gotten a little carried away; this scene is so emotional….

Female Actor: Get a grip!

Actor: (To Director) Can we take a break?

Director: Please.  Take five everyone, and somebody get me a massage chair for my pounding headache.

Female Lead: (Helps Actor up from the floor) You need some water or a towel there, buddy?

Actor: (Melting) You’re so kind to me.

Female Lead: Uh-huh.  (Sits them both back on the couch) Look, I know you have a thing for me and I make you nervous –

Actor: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-nooooo....

Female Lead: You nailed this scene in the table read, so just do whatever you did there, here!

Actor: (Staring at the floor) I wasn’t looking at you during the table read.

Female Lead: Aw, that’s so sweet.  (Lowers voice) Look at the wall, look at the boom mic, look at anything that’ll get you through this before next century, got it?!

(Actor nods quickly, still staring at the floor)

Director: (Pushed onto the set while sitting in the massage chair) All right everyone, places!  Action!

(After the movie premiere in a major theater)

Agent: (To Actor) You did great!  If I didn’t know you for reals, I’d’ve thought you were the biggest jerk alive!

Actor: The ultimate compliment in this business.  (They leisurely stroll out of the theater while the main leads answer questions from reporters) Do you think anyone watching tonight noticed my character never once made eye contact with his own girlfriend?

Agent: With the wonders of editing, you can fake anything.

Story 376: Necessary Accessories

 At 6:30 in the morning, Actor returns home from the gym and immediately prepares an energy drink before embarking upon morning meditation; breathing cycles are harshly interrupted by the cell phone ringing.  Actor open an eye to peek at who is calling, then turns off the sounds of chanting monks to answer.

“This better be good – you’re interrupting one of my many daily routines.”

“I can’t keep track of what you do from minute-to-minute; are you up to your 5-mile run yet?” Agent asked.

“No, that’s after breakfast at 7:30, not before!”

“You sure are regimental in, you know, living.”

“I told you, if I’m ever gonna get anywhere in my career I need to live the superstar lifestyle now, so I’ll already have perfection when I ultimately achieve my rightful success and glory!  So why’re you calling me this early, we don’t have our daily update until 4:00?”

“`Cause I wanted to let you know ASAP that your success and glory may finally be here: you got the part in the new --------- film.”

Actor almost dropped the phone: “Eh?”

“Congratulations: table read’s in London on Monday, rehearsals start there the following week, then it’s off to Tunisia for six months’ filming.  I’d appreciate if you brought me along for at least some of this as your valet or something – I never get to go anywhere fun.”

“But – this is a joke – I blew that audition!”

“Guess that’s what they were looking for, then; just keep doing that and you’ll be fine.  Oh, and sign yourself up for some survivalist training or military boot camp or one of those things before you fly out on location, you’re gonna need it.”

Actor bristled slightly: “I thought we’ve already established I am in excellent shape.”

“Oh you are, it’s just that filming will be in a desert and you’re gonna be, you know, wearing all that stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“You know: makeup, prosthetics, couple of wigs, several layers of capes, a few extra limbs – ”

“Hold it, hold it: who told you this?”

“Casting director.  Did you even read the character description?  You’re playing a full-out creature, 50 lbs of accessories and all.”

“But I thought – everything’s motion-capture now so I assumed – ”’

Agent burst out laughing.  “‘Motion capture?!’  Have you ever even seen a

--------- film?!”

“Don’t be snarky: of course I’ve seen his movies, and he has used updated tech!”

“Rarely, and only if something’s not working out in post-production and he can’t get the actors back in time to reshoot.  That’s why everyone loves his movies, they look so real!  Which means you’re going to be spending 12 hours a day getting buried in material before spending another 12 hours running around in 110°F weather pretending you’re reclaiming your home planet.  Have fun!”  There was a click as Agent ended the call.

Actor stared at the phone, all sense of serenity gone.  “Wait, when do I get to sleep during all that?”

In Tunisia on the first day of filming, Actor enters the makeup trailer at 3:00 in the morning.  The makeup artists are wired, having been there for over an hour already.

“Welcome!  Have a set!”  Lead Makeup Artist gestures to what appears to be a dentist’s chair.

“Uh…” Actor hesitates before being tossed onto the chair by the other makeup artists; then, the work begins.

Four hours later, Actor wakes up from a doze to see in a large mirror that a new face, maroon eyes, towering ears, a mouthful of fangs, three extra arms, and multiple heavy wigs had been added during the interval.  Other co-stars also had arrived in the trailer in the meantime and are partially through their less-involved transformations.

Co-Star in the next chair over, almost done with just a wig, minimal makeup, and an extra nose, gives Actor a thumbs-up: “Lookin’ good!”

Actor stares back, frozen in place: “I can’t feel my skin.”

“No worries: they usually streamline the process by the end of filming – you’ll be here an hour or two less by then, I bet.”  Co-Star hops out of the chair and leaves the trailer, whistling.

“I hate you now,” Actor whispers to the departing figure’s reflection in the mirror.

Lead Makeup Artist leans toward Actor’s actual ear: “Don’t struggle, please.”

“Huh?”

Three makeup artists flip Actor over and start adding four sets of wings and a prehensile tail.

“Can I take a short break to eat and use the bathroom, please?” Actor manages to choke out while smushed through a hole in the chair.

“Should’ve thought of that before the sun rose, dearie,” Lead Makeup Artist replies while painting a layer of glue all over Actor’s back.

Two hours later, Actor is lifted out of the chair by film crew members, set on a trolley, and wheeled to the costume trailer.  Set Costumer looks up and down at Actor, who would be naked if not covered in latex, human hair, horse hair, various species of bird feathers, and sequins, then declares: “This will need some adjustment.”

Actor stands with arms and legs sticking out, from necessity: “Can’t I just go out like this?”

“And waste all this material?!”  Proceeds with a mini-army to spend two hours draping and pinning layers of cloth over, around, under, and through Actor, finishing by using a suture kit to lace up thigh-high boots that have mini-rockets attached to the heels.

Set Costumer stands back to take in the view: “Magnificent!  My best work yet!”

Actor gingerly starts to move, then freezes: “Do you know if all the stuff the other group put on me’ll stay on when I sweat?  All the moisture inside is starting to migrate out.”

“Not my department.”  Set Costumer shoves Actor onto the trolley for the waiting film crew members to wheel that outside where Director, co-stars, and remaining film crew members are set up for the movie’s first scene, located in an open area amongst the sand dunes with the noon sun beaming happily upon them all.

Director stares at Actor being tipped off the trolley to baby step onto the ground, then mutters to Assistant: “Find a way to speed up that one’s prep without omitting any of the feathers.”  Assistant nods while taking notes; Director then addresses the entire assembly for the first time since rehearsal: “All right, this is Day 1 of filming and we’re already three weeks behind schedule, let’s move!”

Actor blinks rapidly as the surroundings swim slightly, then finds the mark and faces the other co-stars in their positions.  The Second Assistant Camera with a slate runs towards the main camera.

“Why Are We Doing This?: Episode -3, Scene 207, Take 1!”  Claps the slate and runs off as Director yells “Action!”

Actor takes a deep breath, clenches a primary fist, grits fangs, glares in character at co-stars who also glare back in character, and proclaims:

“…Line?”

Story 271: The Tragedy of the Cut Scene

            (In an office, the Editor sits behind a desk as the phone buzzes)

            Editor: (Presses button) Yes?

           Receptionist: (Voiceover) They’re here – should I send them in or tell them you’ve been fired?

            Editor: The former, unfortunately.

            (The Author, Agent, and Ragtag Crew enter; the first two sit on chairs in front of the desk and the others sit all over the floor and remaining furniture)

            Editor: (After everyone has settled in) Do sit down.

          Author: All right, I know this won’t be a pleasure meeting since you insisted I bring all of them here.  (Gestures to the Ragtag Crew)

            Ragtag Crew: Yo!

            Editor: Yes, well, the team here at the publishing house has been reviewing your manuscript, and –

           Author: If you want your advance back you can forget it; this one made sure of that.  (Gestures to the Agent)

            Agent: Oh yeah, sweet moolah.

          Editor: No, we love your work, we really do – there’s just one stumbling block we keep running into every time we read it.

            Author: What, the typos?

            Editor: Since you brought it up, you really should have taken care of those before submission, you know.

            Author: Part of my charm.

          Editor: It really isn’t.  However, the stumbling block to which I’m referring is Chapter… (Flips through a proof) 109.  Specifically, the second half – the first half is pure genius.

          Author: Why, thank you.  (Takes the proof and skims the top page) Oh, you mean the flashback scene?

            Editor: (Holds back a grimace) Yes.  That.

            Author: I don’t get it; what’s wrong with it?

           Editor: How can I put this nicely: it absolutely kills the book.  (The Author’s mouth drops open and the Ragtag Crew hisses in union) Every time I get to that part, I want to chuck the whole thing out the window and into an incinerator.  And then perform an exorcism over the ashes, just to be sure.

            Author: (Unseeingly flips through the pages) But – but – but how can you say that?!  This is some of my best work, condensed into 99 pages of sheer bliss!

            Editor: (Leans over the desk to stare intently into the Author’s eyes) It has nothing to do with the rest of the plot.  You could literally slice that entire half-chapter out with a straight edge razor and no one would notice the difference.

            Author: (Disbelievingly) Oh really?

            Editor: Fine, maybe somebody would notice.  How about this: I got an actual migraine trying to figure out whose POV it was being told from, until after five reads I realized it was yours!

            Author: Yeah, isn’t that great?

            Editor: No it is not great; it is unreadable!  (Author, Agent, and Ragtag Crew gasp)

            Ragtag Crew Member: Blasphemy!

            Author: There is no other choice: the scene has to be cut.

            Author: (Stands and slams the 2,000+ page proof onto the table) Unacceptable!  My child will not be mutilated!

            Editor: It’s not even a full chapter.

            Author: Mutilated!

           Editor: We had a feeling you would react that way, so we created a list of ameliorations.  (Picks up a list from the desk and looks it over) Since there are elements of the scene that could be effective elsewhere, here are our proposals: (Points to one of the Ragtag Crew) Reveal of the Unknown Father should be relocated to the middle of Chapter 2 and then subdivided there and throughout Chapters 17-20 and then 99-105 –

            Author: Ugh!

          Editor: (Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Dream Sequence should be real and should move to the Prologue –

            Author: The Prologue is sublimely perfect the way it is now!

           Editor: (Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Surprise Unfaithful Lover should be Best Friend instead; figure out a way to incorporate the former’s personality into the latter’s –

            Author: (Metaphorically foams at the month and whispers) Monster.

           Editor: (Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Oh, and Sudden Reversal also should subdivide so it can happen twice, once in Chapter 88 and another in Chapter 223.

            Author: (Points at that member of the Ragtag Crew as they stand) You will do no such thing!  (Ragtag Crew sits down again; to the Editor) You realize all that would entail months – no, years – of rewrites?!  I’d have to restructure the entire plot to accommodate this – this – cannibalization!

            (Ragtag Crew and the Agent shudder)

            Editor: We prefer the term “repurpose.”  And to answer your question: yes I do and yes it would.

            Author: Aha!

            Editor: Or you could just cut the scene.

            Author: (Stares coldly at the Editor) You foul fiend.  This was your diabolical plan all along, wasn’t it?!

            Editor: Why yes, I believe I made that quite clear several minutes ago.

            Author: (Collects injured dignity and motions for the Agent and Ragtag Crew to stand) Very well, then: you may have won the battle, but I will not rest until I find a way to make my darlings live on in another book, someday, somehow!

            Editor: (Begins writing a letter) That’s fine, do whatever you want, just get them out of this one.

            Author: Hmf!  (Turns to leave with the others; the Ragtag Crew console each other and sob)

            Editor: (Looks up) Oh, and while you’re at it, you might want to consider cutting this one, too – (Gestures to the Agent) absolute deadwood.

            Author: For once, we agree.

            Agent: Hey!

            Author: Have you contributed anything of substance to this scene?

            Agent: ….

            Author: I didn’t think so.