Story 618: Out With the Old, In With the Nothing

            (Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s condo door; after a few moments, Friend 1 opens the door wearing coveralls, a hat, and several layers of dust)

Friend 2: …I’m afraid to ask.

Friend 1: Too late – get in.  (Pulls Friend 2 by the wrist into the condo and locks the door shut behind them both, then looks at the other up-and-down) Where’s your protective gear?

Friend 2: (Gestures to self) You said “Dress for a mess” so these are the most worn-out clothes I have; although – (Also looks Friend 1 up-and-down) it seems I forgot to bring along my gas mask.

Friend 1: What?  Oh, forget it – too late for such trifles now!  Let’s go.  (Leads the way to the bedroom in the back of the unit and opens arms wide once through the doorway) Right!  Here’s how far I got so… far.

(Friend 2 takes in all the boxes, books, clothes, photo albums, files, stuff, stuff, and more stuff all over the floor, the bed, and partway up the walls)

Friend 2: Oh… wow….

Friend 1: I know, isn’t it hideous?  We always complain about accumulating junk we don’t need but we never truly realize how much of it we’ve shoved into our lives.  I haven’t even touched the upper shelves in the closet yet, if you can believe it.

Friend 2: (Nodding resignedly) Oh, I can.  And this is the only room you need to go through, yes, please?

Friend 1: (Starts moving piles of clothes into bigger piles on the bed) Yeah – the good thing about moving from your childhood home straight into a smaller space is that I never got a chance to collect mega-sized possessions.  Could you imagine if I tried to shove a table tennis table in here?

Friend 2: But you don’t play.

Friend 1: No, but if I had a huge house all to myself I’d probably start buying stuff like that just to fill it up.  Oh, the soul-crushing cycle of consumerism!

Friend 2: (Tosses away a dirty sock) Spare me.

Friend 1: Sure.  (Abruptly sits in a small cleared-out area on the floor) So: I need you to help me get rid of the paraphernalia.

Friend 2: (Sits nearby in another small cleared-out area on the floor) What, you mean like old school notebooks and broken trinkets and what-not?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Don’t need me for that – you know what’s a keeper and what’s garbage.

Friend 1: That’s the thing: I’ll think they’re all keepers.  I need you here to be brutal.

Friend 2: Ah.

Friend 1: No matter how much I beg, plead, or complain, if it’s taking up space and is no longer needed in my life, it’s got – to – go.

Friend 2: If you say so.  Is this a New Year’s resolution thing?

Friend 1: Sort of, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.  I read in a few places recently that it’ll be so much easier to have all these knickknacks no one else’ll care about already gone, for those who’ll wind up having to clean out this place after I kick the bucket.

Friend 2: (Looks up from holding a half-used pencil at different angles) Ugh, morbid.

Friend 1: Hey, we all have to face reality at some point.

Friend 2: Yes, and you’re so good at that.

Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t mostly true; this time though I’m actually being proactively thoughtful with my inevitable exit stage left.

Friend 2: And you realize that I’ll probably be the one cleaning out your stuff – in the far, far distant future, of course.

Friend 1: I doubt it: you’re nicer than I am, so the rule usually is that you’ll go to Heaven first and I’ll be stuck here for a much longer sentence.

Friend 2: Thanks, I think.  (Rummages through a nearby pile and pulls out an old toy car) OK, let’s start small with this: Keep, Donate, or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Takes the car with a smile) Aw, I remember getting this from my grandparents when I was 4 years old – I would zoom it all over the house on its never-ending race around the world!... Mom and Dad weren’t too happy about that.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.  So, Keep?

Friend 1: (Fiddles with the car for a few moments, then shakes head definitively and hands the toy back to Friend 2) No, this can go to the Donate pile: it’s time it made someone else happy.  I’ll always cherish the memories, right up until the moment dementia steals them.

Friend 2: Bleak.  (Clears another open space on the floor and sets down the car) This’ll be the Donate pile, then – you got a bag for Garbage?

Friend 1: (Holds up a contractor bag) Way ahead of you!

Friend 2: Good.  I guess the Keep items will go back into the closet or wherever, then.

Friend 1: Oh, that pile will be extremely small, don’t you worry.  (Winks)

Friend 2: Of course it will.  (Holds up a stuffed animal that is fraying at the seams) How about this one?

Friend 1: (Gasps) Wobbly!  (Grabs the stuffed animal out of Friend 2’s hand and hugs it close) I can’t believe I forgot all about you!  How thoughtless of me!

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  Donate to make someone else happy, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up guiltily) Uh – well – you can see the condition’s not exactly prime – I wouldn’t want to give someone a used stuffed companion –

Friend 2: So, Garbage?

Friend 1: (On an intake of breath) How-dare-you!

Friend 2: Mm-hm; Keep?

Friend 1: I should think so!  (Reaches up to the bed and props the stuffed animal against a pillow) A few stitches’ll fix you good as new, don’t you worry.

Friend 2: OK, moving along – (Holds up a file folder) This looks like class notes.

Friend 1: Really?  (Takes the folder and skims through the papers) Oh, Psych 101!  I needed that freshman year in college!

Friend 2: Yeah, I think everyone in freshman year in college had to take something like that.  Recycling rather than Garbage for those, then?

Friend 1: (Still skimming through the papers) Just a minute… this is really interesting… I practically blew off this class but now that I’m reading this it’s actually very insightful….

Friend 2: That class was over 20 years ago so most of the information is probably outdated.

Friend 1: (Hands back the folder) OK, Recycling.

Friend 2: (Clears another open space on the floor) Group #4.

Friend 1: What a side benefit to all this: we’re saving the Earth on top of everything else.

Friend 2: It’s very unlikely that we’re saving much of anything.  (Holds up a collage) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2) I’m shocked: do you not recognize your younger self with our high school chums in that display?

Friend 2: (Turns around the collage to look at it closely, then recoils in horror) Ah!  Garbage!  (Tries to shove it into the contractor bag)

Friend 1: (Grabs the collage and tosses it onto the bed) Yoink!

Friend 2: All right, but you’d better not post photos of that anywhere or I’ll never speak to you again.  (Holds up a trinket) Garbage or Donate?

Friend 1: Eh, Donate; should make someone’s day.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder and holds up a fancy pen) This looks used – Garbage?

Friend 1: Oh – that was from my first real job – it was kind of a memento – coming of age and all – but the ink’s probably dry –

Friend 2: Garbage.  (Flings it into the open contractor bag, then holds up a photo album) Keep?

Friend 1: Of course.

Friend 2: (Tosses it onto the bed, then holds up a video game cartridge) Donate?

Friend 1: If any system can actually play it now, sure – I kept losing on that one so I’ve no emotional attachment to it.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder, then holds up a diary) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Narrows eyes at it) Hm… read out the first page for me, please?

Friend 2: (Opens the diary and reads) “Dear Diary, No one understands me – ”

Friend 1: BURN IT!

(Several hours later, everything has been sorted into two towering groups of multiple mini-piles on the floor and one smaller pile on the bed, or put into several contractor bags; Friend 1 and Friend 2 creakily stand up and walk over to the door to admire their work)

Friend 2: Well, I have to say, I didn’t think you could bring yourself to clean out this much and this thoroughly, but you did, and I’m proud of you.

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  You were a big help – I didn’t think I could’ve parted with as much if you weren’t here to force me.

Friend 2: Well, that’s what friends are for.

Friend 1: Great friend!

(They smile at each other, then stare at the organized mess for a few moments longer)

Friend 1: So, now I’ve got to haul all these to the garbage and recycling dumpsters and a donation center –

Friend 2: (Turns and leaves) Yeah, not that great a friend.

Story 617: New Year, New… What?

            (In an apartment living room on New Year’s Eve, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 sit on the couch watching the ball drop in some city broadcast live on TV as they each hold fresh mugs of hot chocolate)

TV: Three!... Two!... One!... HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Controlled chaos reigns on the streets)

(Now New Year’s Day, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 stare vacantly for a few moments at the sparkling ball above the now-lit up year, then simultaneously perk up and tap mugs)

Sibling 1: Happy New Year!

Sibling 2: And a Happy New Year to you, too!

(They take a long sip, slightly burn their tongues, smack their lips in satisfaction, and sigh)

Sibling 2: (Looking into the mug) You know, we’re probably going to regret having something this heavy and this sweet this late in the night.  (Tilts head to think) Or is it now, this early in the morning?

 Sibling 1: (Takes a big gulp and swings the mug away with a flourish) Ahhhhh…. Totally worth it.  (Stares at the mug for a few moments, then over to Sibling 2) It’s funny, I never really thought about this before: you ever get a hangover?

Sibling 2: (After another sip) Hm, once.  Totally not worth it.

Sibling 1: Good to know.  (They watch the storm of confetti and the hugging, kissing, swaying, singing, and general good will on-screen for a bit) You know, I always feel a little different right at the beginning of a new year.

Sibling 2: Oh, really?

Sibling 1: Yeah; I dunno, I feel… renewed, rejuvenated, like anything’s possible and I finally can get my act together.

Sibling 2: Well, that’s… great.

Sibling 1: Yeah.  (Swirls the remaining chocolate in the mug for a bit before looking back at Sibling 2) It’s all gone by the time I wake up New Year’s morning, though.

Sibling 2: I figured.

Sibling 1: (Stares at the far wall) Yep: fall into the same old habits, the same old… rut.  No renewal, no rejuvenation; just back to my old routines like it’s the same year on repeat, and nothing changes for the better.

Sibling 2: Well, that’s not entirely true: you did stick to that workout routine you started a few years ago; that’s something.

Sibling 1: Yeah, but that was in a random March.  If it was in a New Year’s Day, I probably would’ve given up before I even started because the stakes would’ve felt too high.

Sibling 2: Maybe not.

Sibling 1: (Chuckling) Oh, I know me.  (Finishes off the hot chocolate, then gestures with the mug toward the kitchen) You good or you want some more?

Sibling 2: Still nursing mine, but thanks.

Sibling 1: Sure.  (Looks down at the empty mug, then places it off to the side on the floor and slouches back on the couch) I guess I should cut myself off at one – probably’ll wake up in a few hours anyway, cursing my past self and wondering where it all went wrong.

Sibling 2: I thought it was going to be totally worth it?

Sibling 1: My taste buds and brain say “Yes”, but my aging digestive system says “I hate you.”

Sibling 2: Know the feeling.  (Finishes off the hot chocolate and also sets the mug off to the side on the floor and slouches back on the couch as Sibling 1 uses a remote to turn off the TV) So, no New Year’s resolutions this time, huh?

Sibling 1: (Yawning) Well, I’ll just do the usual: try to be a better person, more patient, nicer, volunteer with worthy causes, solve all the world’s problems, prevent the inevitable end of the Universe, that sort of thing – but I always fail on Day 1, so I really don’t know why I bother.  You?

Sibling 2: (Also yawning) The usual: try to do as least damage as possible on my trips around the Sun until my inevitable end.

Sibling 1: (As they stare at each other while lying back on opposite ends of the couch; starting to fall asleep) Wow.  That’s a lofty goal....

Sibling 2: (While drifting off) Well, you know me: aim high.... 

HAPPY NEW ZZZZZZZZ....

Story 570: New Year, New Meh

            (On a park bench on a clear, cold day, Friend 1 sits staring into space)

Friend 2: (Finishes a run, then sits next to Friend 1) So: any reason why you’re not at least attempting to get some exercise today?  I thought one of your New Year’s resolutions was to have healthier habits or something like that.

Friend 1: Oh, it was.

Friend 2: And?

Friend 1: And then I realized: what’s the point?

Friend 2: …Better health?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: …Longer life?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: …Better life?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: Listen, you’re getting on a morbid track here and it’s bumming me out.  Are you feeling all right?

Friend 1: (Finally turns to Friend 2) No, actually: as I stare down the waterslide that is January 2 of a new year, the futility of human endeavors has hit me like a figurative and literal sledgehammer, and I have lost the drive to exercise.  Or move in general.

Friend 2: With anyone else, I’d say you sound like you may have clinical depression and should speak with a mental health professional about how you’re feeling – however, since this is you, I know you’re just being overly dramatic and need to knock it off.

Friend 1: You’re right, but for some reason it’s taking a bit longer than usual to blow over, so bear with me.

Friend 2: (Stands abruptly) Nope!  This is a beautiful day, the start of a new year, where you have so many blessings in your life and whatever you wish was different is in your power to change, and I refuse to waste another second of my precious time on Earth listening to your faux pontifications on how meaningless it all is when I know they’re only symptoms of your self-inflicted boredom.  (Takes a candy bar out of a coat pocket and tosses it to Friend 1) Here – (Friend 1 catches the bar) have some chocolate: it seems to be your go-to for everything else, so it should help out now; I’m out.  (Resumes running)

Friend 1: (Stares at the candy bar for a few moments, slowly unwraps it, takes a bite, and chews thoughtfully while looking out at the ducks paddling around in a nearby pond, the bare trees swaying gently in the wind, the other human parkgoers walking, playing, or relaxing, and the grass hibernating) Worth it.

Story 569: The Pre-New Year Lull

             “Well, that’s it: the ordeal known as The Most Wonderful Time of the Year is finally over, and now at last there is peace on my Earth, and goodwill toward me.”

“That’s the spirit.  So, you gonna relax now that you’re done with entertaining all the relatives?”

“And leave this mess?!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“You know, I had to run around so much visiting everyone for Christmas and Hanukkah parties this year that it’s actually more relaxing to go back to work.”

“I agree: between visiting the kids, the grandkids, the in-laws, and the divorced relatives I still like, I think I tacked 100,000 miles on the car in the space of two days – it’s a phenomenon.”

“I wouldn’t know: I had to take buses, trains, and cabs everywhere.”

[Mutual shudder]

“Yeah, I’ll take driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic over riding with strangers any day.”

“I wish I had that option.  Anyway, after all the hullabaloo of mass transportation and making merry with everyone I’ve ever met in my life, I’m now going to spend my off-hours lounging around doing absolutely nothing.  Figure I should recover just in time for summer.”

“Good on you.  So, any New Year’s Eve parties you got planned for tomorrow night?”

“…NEW YEAR’S EVE IS TOMORROW NIGHT???!!!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“If I even see another baked good, candy cane, roasted roast, or cup of hot cocoa with those cute little marshmallows on top, I will literally burst at the seams.”

“Ew.”

“I know; I feel that gross right now.  I keep telling myself I won’t overdo it this year, but I’m usually saying that in my brain right as my hands are piling up the second plate of appetizers, so it’s already a lost cause at that point.”

“I hear ya: I’m hoping this constantly full feeling for the next two weeks will finally drive home the lesson not to do that ever again, and remind me to send a donation to the local food bank.  The lesson part probably will fail, but hope springs eternal.”

“Nice.”

“You gonna try the diet again this New Year?”

“You know it: healthier food, more water throughout the day, and home workouts with outdoor walk, weather-permitting.”

“That’s great!... Whaaaaat are you doing?”

“January 1 is only a few days away, and if I don’t eat these homemade cookies now they’ll go bad and it’ll be such a waste!”

“….”

“….”

“Need some help with those?”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“So we’ve got a few days left – make any New Year’s resolutions?”

“A few; my usual.”

“Really?  What are they?”

“If I tell you, they won’t come true!”

“That’s birthday wishes – resolutions are all on you.”

“Oh.  Right.”

“Well?”

“Oh, I usually resolve to be kinder, more patient, more generous with my time and help, that sort of thing.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah, it lasts for about five seconds and then I lose my temper and don’t want to help anybody, so my New Year looks like my Old Year almost immediately.”

“Bummer.  Maybe work on that next year.”

“Very funny.  What about you?”

“Oh, I resolve to enjoy the last days of the waning year as we straddle the nebulous not-quite-this-year/not-quite-next-year zone, which means I can do whatever I want and it won’t count because the year’s almost-but-not-yet-over.”

“Ohhhhhh-kaaaaaay, but what about your resolutions for next year?”

“That’s future me’s problem – present me wants to watch this year slowly crash into the next, like a stellar collision of time.”

“So, basically, no resolutions to be a better person.”

“Exactly.  Happy Old Year!”

Story 522: Confess All for the New Year

             (In a church’s closed confessional booth, Priest and Parishioner 1 are kneeling on opposite sides of a screen)

Priest: – say five Our Fathers and two Hail Marys, and do one charitable work.

Parishioner 1: (Crosses self) Oh good; thank you, Father.  (Starts to stand)

Priest: (Holds up a finger) Ah: one charitable work you haven’t already done this past Advent, or were planning in advance for Lent.

Parishioner 1: Shucks – I mean, understood.

Priest: (Lowers hand and nods) Off you go, then.

Parishioner 1: (Stands again) Thanks again, Father – see you at Mass in a bit.

Priest: See you in a bit.  (Parishioner 1 leaves the booth, closing the door on the way out; Priest takes out a cell phone, checks a display, and shakes head) <Tsk> 50-to-0; bless their hearts.  (Puts the phone away, then frowns slightly on hearing the sound of raised voices outside the booth; the door suddenly flies open and Priest sees Penitent standing there with several angry parishioners standing some distance behind)

Penitent: Excuse me, Father, but can I give confession and get absolution and everything even though I’m not a parishioner here?

Priest: …Are you Catholic?

Penitent: (Thinks for half a second) Yeah.

Priest: (Gestures for Penitent to come into the booth) Then I’ll hear your confession and grant absolution.

Penitent: Great!  (Closes the door on the grumbling crowd and kneels) Figured “New Year, New Me” and all that, right?

Priest: Hm.  (Makes the sign of the cross for Penitent) In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit –

Penitent: (Crosses self) Oh yeah, I remember this part: bless me, Father, for I have sinned; it’s been more than 30 years since my first confession – (Pulls out a sheaf of paper from an inner jacket pocket) so I’ve got quite a list –

Priest: Hold on: you don’t need to confess every sin you’ve committed in the past 30 years.

Penitent: I don’t?

Priest: There’s a line of people waiting after you and about – (Briefly checks a wristwatch) 20 minutes before I have to prepare for Mass, so just… consolidate by topic.

Penitent: (Nods) Got it.  (Starts skimming through the papers) OK, here’s a recurring theme: (Looks back up at Priest) I lie, a lot.  And I mean, a lot: I almost wanted to lie to you just now and say I only do it occasionally, it’s that bad.

Priest: (Nods) Mm-hm.

Penitent: (Grabs onto the holes in the screen) It’s a real compulsion, and it’s ruining my life – you gotta help me, Father, how do I stop myself?!

Priest: This is only confession, my child; if you need spiritual guidance, please call the main office to make an appointment and I’ll be happy to speak with you all about it another time.

Penitent: (Lets go of the screen) Never mind.  (Flips through the papers) OK… (Looks back up at Priest) I cheated on my taxes and other stuff I owed for decades and told people I was making a stand against big government, but deep down I was just being cheap.

Priest: (Nods) Uh-huh – not to judge, but I have to warn you that that may catch up with you one day.  Legally speaking.

Penitent: Whaddya mean?

Priest: I mean, you may get audited and have to pay fines and back taxes, and maybe even serve time in prison.

Penitent: Oh!  That reminds me – (Flips through a few more sheets, runs a finger down the page, stops at a paragraph and looks back up at Priest) burglary.

Priest: You’ve committed it?

Penitent: Yeah.

Priest: Have you made restitution?

Penitent: Huh?  Oh, well, not directly; I served seven years in the state pen for it, does that count?

Priest: (Sighs quietly) It will have to in this case.

Penitent: That brings me to another thing: while I was inside the priest there kept wanting to hear my confession for it, but my whole defense was based on me saying I didn’t do it, which clearly didn’t work, but if I then confessed saying I did do it then it’d’ve felt like the whole thing was pointless, but now I’m wondering if not confessing was really just doubling down on the sin?

Priest: (Thinks for a few moments) Well, you’re confessing it now, so we’ll leave it at that, then.

Penitent: Awesome!  `Cause I might have to do it again, so if I get caught again I wanted to make sure I should just confess all from the get-go.

Priest: My child, instead please resolve not to break the law for your own gain going forward.

Penitent: Oh, it’s not for me: a buddy of mine really wants to get back at this other dude for –

Priest: (Holds up both hands) Please don’t tell me any more details of your life of crime!

Penitent: (Nods knowingly) Plausible deniability – I get it.

Priest: (Lowers hands and shakes head) No: everything you say here is confidential under the seal of confession, but I don’t want – I don’t need to be told every single detail to grant you absolution, understood?  And please stop committing felonies and misdemeanors.

Penitent: I dunno, Father, how’m I supposed to do that?

Priest: It’s amazingly easy not to do something – it requires literally no effort on your part.

Penitent: (Nods while thinking) You know, you might have something there.  (Flips through more pages as Priest wearily shakes head) Here’s a recent one that’s a real pickle: some frenemy asked me to adopt a cat from the local shelter, but I don’t have supplies and I didn’t really want to take all that on, so I didn’t.

Priest: That’s… not a sin.

Penitent: Really?  Why not?

Priest: You admittedly wouldn’t have been able to take care of the cat, so instead the creature will go to a loving home with people who actually “want to take all that on”.

Penitent: (Scoffs) I doubt it – I was told this cat’s pretty much unadoptable and I was asked as a last resort, so I don’t think that fur baby’s going anywhere good, if you know what I mean.

Priest: (Rubs temples and quietly recites) “Jesus loves me, this I know – ”

Penitent: (Leans closer to the screen) What’s that, Father?

Priest: (Drops hands and looks back at Penitent) Listen, I think you’ve confessed enough for one day –

Penitent: (Holds up the sheaf) But Father, I’m just getting started!

Priest: We’re running out of time, and as I’ve mentioned there are others waiting after you, so let’s wrap this up with the basics: have you committed acts of gluttony?

Penitent: (Tilts head to think) Sometimes.  Really just on Thanksgiving, but don’t we all?

Priest: (Grinds teeth) Envy?

Penitent: Eh.

Priest: Wrath?

Penitent: (Eyes flare) Yeah!

Priest: Lust?

Penitent: (Eyes leer) Oh, yeah!

Priest: Pride?

Penitent: (Smiles smugly) I can say, with all humility, no.  (Priest stares at Penitent, who looks down and mumbles) Maybe a little.

Priest: Sloth?

Penitent: (Looks back up) Hey, so what if I like to sleep in every now and then?  Science backs me up: it’s medically necessary!

Priest: Greed?

Penitent: Is it greedy to take more than my share because other people in my opinion have too much?

Priest: Yes.

Penitent: Then yes.  But I really think I should get more time to cover the decades I skipped –

Priest: No!  You’re done here taking up everyone’s time, including mine!  (Quickly makes the sign of the cross for Penitent, who automatically crosses self in response) I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit – great, now I’m doing this all backwards, I forgot to give you your penance first!

Penitent: Oh that’s all right, Father, I won’t tell anyone if you skip that part.  (Winks broadly)

Priest: Nothing doing!  Your penance is to say 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys, and do 30 charitable works, including finding that poor cat a forever home if it’s not too late!

Penitent: (Stands suddenly) Whoa, Father, that’s all a bit harsh, don’t you think?!

Priest: On the contrary, I don’t think it’s harsh enough!  Just be thankful I didn’t thrown in reciting 50 rosaries on top of it!

Penitent: (Shoves papers back into the jacket pocket and sighs heavily) Fine, I’ll do what you say, long as it means I’m now all clear to go and sin some more.

Priest: It’s “go and sin no more”!

Penitent: Really?  Well that’s just an unreasonable expectation.  (Opens the door, sees the angry crowd, and turns back around) Ooh, I forgot to add: I cut the line so I could go next; is that a sin, too?

Priest: (Glares at Penitent) Yes, but since you finished confessing and I already granted absolution, you’ll have to save that one for next time.

Penitent: “Next time”?!  You mean I have to keep coming back?!  What kind of racket is this??!!  (Meanwhile, Parishioner 2 has gone around Penitent to enter the booth and slams the door shut; Penitent’s voice is now muffled) I’m suing the Vatican!

Parishioner 2: (Smiles at Priest, kneels, and crosses self as Priest makes the sign of the cross) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned – it’s been one week since my last confession, and my first sin is the many, many uncharitable thoughts I’ve had towards that fellow penitent who left just now.

Priest: (Sighs) That will be my sin to confess as well, my child.

Story 472: New Year, New Me, New Everything

NEW YEAR’S EVE

 “That’s it!  This New Year, I’m finally going to start that big project I keep saying I’m going to start but never do!”

“That’s great!  Good luck!”                     

“I don’t need luck!  I have motivation!”

“OK.”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Woooo-hoooo!!!  First-time project completion, here I come!”

“So, you gonna start that on Tuesday, then?”

“…First-time-project-starting-in-the-New-Year, here I come!”

“Hm.”

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

“That’s it!  This New Year, I’m finally going to broaden my narrow horizons and take that big trip I’ve been wanting to take my entire life!”

“That’s great!  How’d your big project go?”

“What’s that?”

“The big project you’d resolved to start at the beginning of this year.”

“Oh!  Oh that.  Well….”

“Yes?”

“I started it.”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Woooooooo-hoooooooo!!!!  Big trip, here I come!”

“Got a travel agent yet?”

“Dooooo I need one?”

“For a big trip, one would help.  Especially when it’s you who’s going.”

“Sounds like extra work I don’t wanna do – I’m just gonna take off from here and land smack-dab there, yippee!!”

“Oh dear.”

NEW YEAR’S EVE

“That’s it!  This New Year, I’m finally going to sculpt myself into the glorious being I’ve always wanted to be!”

“That’s great!  So, how’d your big trip go?”

“Oh, that.  It didn’t: way too expensive, plus I didn’t really feel like, you know, doing all that stuff that goes with it, like walking through towns and seeing museums and appreciating new cultures and all.”

“Seriously?!”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Woooooooooo-hoooooooooo!!!!!  New Year, New Me, New Everything, here I come!”

“OK, so for this year, are you joining a gym or an online workout program or what?”

“What?”

“You said you’re going to sculpt yourself into the glorious being you’ve always wanted to be, so how are you going to actually do it?”

“Simple: I’m going to will myself into perfect shape, easy-peasy!”

“Never mind.”

NEW YEAR’S EVE

“That’s it!”

“Here we go.”

“This New Year, no more resolutions that I can never keep for some reason!  About three months ago, I resolved to call and visit my family and friends much more than I have lately, and instead of waiting until January 1^st to eventually not do it, I started then and there and it’s worked like a charm!  People actually started liking me again.”

“Wow, that’s… great!  Good for you not waiting for some arbitrary date on an arbitrary calendar to change your life, and just going ahead and changing it as soon as you have the chance!”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Wooooooooooooo-hooooooooooooo!!!!!!!  Calling and visiting my – wait a minute, I’m already doing that.”

“Yes!  It’s wonderful!”

“So what’s the point of celebrating New Year then?”

“So we all can feel mentally exhausted together.”

Story 422: Next Year Will Be Different

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

 (At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: Why?

Partygoer 1: …`Cause it’s a new year!  New beginnings, new starts, new initiatives!

Partygoer 2: That’s three ways to say the same thing, and it’ll be none of them.

Partygoer 1: Huh?

Partygoer 2: It’s just another day – the same problems you have right now won’t magically disappear because some arbitrary, human-made, time-telling device says we’ve started a new round of trying to organize the variable, location-dependent seasons into something our puny brains can comprehend.  The only actual real-world impact from tonight is that the Earth has reached the same spot in its orbit where it was last year, which we do every day anyway.  The whole thing is pretty meaningless when you think about it.

Partygoer 1: (Blinks)

Partygoer 2: (Blinks back)

Partygoer 1: Why are you even at this party?

Partygoer 2: Free booze.  (Slurps drink)

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: Woo-boo!  (Throws glitter into the air and spins a noisemaker; to Partygoer 2) You’ll see: next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: Don’t you mean this year now?

Partygoer 1: Oh.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: You again, I see.  So was this year any different from last year?

Partygoer 1: It sure was!  I got a new job and a new house!

Partygoer 2: Wow, that certainly is different.

Partygoer 1: Darn tootin’!  (Spins noisemaker)

Partygoer 2: So: new job to drain your soul and new expenses to drain your bank account?

Partygoer 1: (Looks around shiftily while sipping from a martini glass) Maybe.

Partygoer 2: So: next year you don’t want new beginnings, etc., etc., right?  You already got all that this year so next year shouldn’t be different, right?

Partygoer 1: Well….

Partygoer 2: Go on.

Partygoer 1: I would like a new boss – my current one apparently is an escaped demon.

Partygoer 2: Ah, one of those.

Partygoer 1: And I would like better neighbors – and my mortgage interest rate to go down – and that weird leak to go away – and better –

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 2: Whelp, it’s a new year now: time for everything to automatically change no matter what.

Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker frantically) Woooo-hooooo!  Next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: (Slurps the free booze) You tell `em.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

 (At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: (On crutches) It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: Good heavens, you look awful.  How’s life treating you now?

Partygoer 1: Well, not so great, actually: I keep getting weird injuries; a few relatives passed away; demon boss hired a demon coworker for me to play with; half of my new house collapsed – you know, the usual.

Partygoer 2: I see.

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: (Swings noisemaker with one hand while holding onto crutches with the other) Wooooooo-hooooooo!!!!!  Next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: I don’t doubt it.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s –

Partygoer 2: Come off it, mate; it’s just me here.

Partygoer 1: Oh right, never mind.

Partygoer 2: At least the crutches are gone now.

Partygoer 1: Only because both knees’ve been replaced.

Partygoer 2: Ouch.

Partygoer 1: Yeah; I was out from work for two months with all that so demon boss had time to turn the rest of the office against me and promote demon coworker, who is now demon boss #2.

Partygoer 2: Ew.

Partygoer 1: Still, I have a job, and the house repairs are coming along, even though I’m still technically only living in half of it.

Partygoer 2: Is that so.

Partygoer 1: Ooh, ooh, I almost forgot – I won the lotto this year!

Partygoer 2: Well, that’s great.

Partygoer 1: Yeah!  Except after taxes it was only about, you know, five bucks.  But it felt nice.

Partygoer 2: I see.

Partygoer 1: It’s funny, all these years and I’ve never asked: how’s your year been?

Partygoer 2: Oh, the same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and –

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker until the top half flies off) WOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Partygoer 2: – but I’m sure next year will be different.