Story 567: How Many People Does It Take to Put Up a Christmas Tree?!

            (In the living room of a house, a large crowd has gathered)

Father: (Standing at one end of the room to address the multitude) All right, folks, it’s time to get serious: we are putting up the Christmas tree today, and this year, we’re doing it right.  (Slices open a large cardboard box filled with tree parts) Now: (Points to the box) tree – (Points to several more boxes on the couch) extra lights – (Points to many, many other boxes piled throughout the room and spilling out into the hallway) ornaments and winter wonderland paraphernalia.  I want everything up and twinkling, sparkling, or otherwise holly-jollying within the afternoon before even the thought of dinner crosses anyone’s frontal lobes.  I will not have a repeat of last year’s debacle, where the so-called “Easy Peasy Twee Tree” that was guaranteed to be up and running in 10 minutes, instead took seven-and-a-half hours, thanks to multiple unauthorized breaks and other shenanigans that will no longer be tolerated.

Child 1: But Dad, the game was on!

Father: (Faces Child 1 with unleashed wrath) I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GAME.

Child 1: (In breathless horror) Heresy….

Father: (Back to the rest of the crowd) This beauty is pre-lit and the extra lights are back-up only, so no excuses that all the strings were tangled or one bulb was burned out, understand?  (The others nod) OK, I think that covers everything: let’s get to it!

(Everyone scatters to assemble the tree and decorate the living room and any other area that can fit a knickknack)

Child 1: (Digging through mounds of tissue-paper-wrapped ornaments in a large container) Can I put the star on top?

Child 2: (Holding the bottom section of the tree as Father attaches the upper layers) Is it a star this year or Santa?

Father: (Finishes attaching the tree parts and moves on to plug the lights into multiple outlets on a cord) Neither: this year we’re putting the light-up angel on top if I can find where to plug it into the other end of this thing.

Cousin: (Holding up a nutcracker soldier) Where does this fella go?

Father: (Stringing garlands around the tree) Anywhere you find an open space!  (Cousin shrugs and plops it onto the dining room table)

Aunt: (Hanging a handmade ornament on a tree branch) Aw, I remember when one of you kids made this in art class; you were so little and cute then, how long ago was that?

Child 2: (Taking ornaments from a box at the top of a ladder) Thirty-six years.

Aunt: ...Well I sure feel old now.

Uncle: (Taps Father on the back and holds up a train engine when the latter turns around) You want me to set up the tracks around the tree; next to the tree; nowhere near the tree; what?

Father: (Adding a string of very old bubble lights around the tree’s center) Those can be set up in the corner where you got the boxes.

Uncle: Got it.  (Goes back to the corner to secretly play with the trains)

Father: (Steps back to observe the others work for a bit) Good-good, but we need to step up the pace if we’re going to get through all these boxes at a decent hour.  (Flips the lid off another one and flings ornaments wrapped in tissue paper onto a nearby armchair)

Neighbor: (Holds up a small box) Want me to start hanging up the candy canes?

Father: (Looks up suddenly) Not now!  They go on at the very end, no matter what!

Neighbor: (Gently sets the box onto a small table) OK.

Father: (Hands over a box from within the larger box) Here: you can hang up the ornaments from in there, but make sure you keep them close together on the tree because it’s a theme.

Neighbor: (Whispers to the box while going to the tree) No pressure….

Mail Carrier: (Holding a smaller box while methodically hanging ornaments on the tree) You know, this takes me back to when I was a wee one –

Father: (Hooks legs halfway up the ladder and dangles upside down to reach a tricky open spot on the tree) LESS YAPPING, MORE DECORATING!

Mail Carrier: Rude.

Priest: (Arranging a tableau of snow families and elves on the coffee table) I feel obligated to ask if there is a nativity scene tucked away in all this… Christmas?

Father: (Still hanging upside down; holds a branch in mid-swing to reach an inner alcove in the tree) Uh, yeah, that.... Sorry, no room at the inn!

Priest: That’s certainly the ultimate irony.

Father: (Manages to slither into the tree and surveys the room from there, moving aside overburdened branches to look; spots a few loafers sitting on the couch) I want every single person in this house putting up decorations at all times until I say we’re finished, do you hear me?!

Mother: (Passing through the living room with a cup of tea and a book; stops in front of the tree and glares at Father’s eyes through the branches) I beg your pardon?

Father: Not you – the outdoor decorations count as time served.

Mother: How generous of you.  (Continues onward to the bedroom to hibernate)

Father: (Sees an empty space inside the tree, reaches an arm out to pluck an ornament from a nearby box, and whispers while hanging it onto the tiny spot on a branch) I have you now.... (Scrambles out of the tree once that is done and checks everyone’s progress) Hold it!  (Everyone freezes while Father walks around the tree and checks the entire surface area, muttering all the while) Over forty years of ornaments; candy canes; extra-extra lights…. (Stops to face the tree from the front) I think the tree… is done.

Fellow Bus Commuter: (Holding up an angel) Wait a minute, what about the angel?

Father: (Gasps in horror) The angel!  (Grabs it out of Fellow Bus Commuter’s hand, frantically climbs the ladder, finds a free plug, attaches it to the angel, and shoves it onto the top of the tree) All right, light it up!  (As Father climbs down the ladder, Child 1 plugs in the main power cord and the tree glows in welcoming warmth; Father stands back and stares at the tree, moved to tears) We did it, we actually did it, it’s done and it’s not even night yet –

Child 2: (Holds up an ornament) Hang on, I just found one more that must’ve fallen out earlier –

Father: I SAID IT’S DONE!

Story 563: Post-Halloween Letdown

            (In line outside a building)

Friend 1: <Sigh> (Side-eyes Friend 2, who is studiously ignoring the former) <Siiiiiigggghhhh>…. <SIIIIIIGGGHHHH>

Friend 2: (Finally turns to Friend 1) Is this your passive-aggressive way of getting me to ask “What’s wrong?”

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Thought so.  (Goes back to staring at traffic passing by)

Friend 1: You’re no fun – I can’t just complain without any prompting.

Friend 2: Never stopped you before.

Friend 1: True, but I’m trying to give you some semblance of conversational control.

Friend 2: How thoughtful.

Friend 1: …Well?         

Friend 2: (Slowly turns back to Friend 1 with an exasperated look) Oh no, whatever is the matter?  Please rant about it for 10 minutes with ultimately no resolution.

Friend 1: There’s no need for sarcasm.

Friend 2: Sure there is.  So, spit it out – what’s wrong?

Friend 1: Oh, I don’t know –

Friend 2: Ugh.

Friend 1: No-no, that was just my introduction; ahem: Oh, I don’t know, I guess the whole post-Halloween letdown is getting to me, that’s all.

Friend 2: (Slowly blinks) What.

Friend 1: You know how it is: you gear up all October for Halloween, trying to get in the spirit of things, decorate indoors and out, dress up, watch scary movies, go to scary farms, eat all the candy, and then November 1 hits and BAM!

Friend 2: All Saints’ Day?

Friend 1: No!

Friend 2: Día de los Muertos?

Friend 1: No – wait, I actually should start celebrating that one, it looks pretty cool.

Friend 2: It’s a cultural celebration of people’s ancestors and you’d have no point of reference or understanding of its significance to truly appreciate it.

Friend 1: Food’s pretty good though, right?

Friend 2: Whatever: November 1 hits and what?

Friend 1: Oh, right: November 1, and all the fun’s over.  The decorations are now pitiful remnants of good times, the costumes get tucked away to be forgotten for another year, the scary farms are regular old farms again, the movies and the candy are good year-round but just don’t hit the same off-season – in short: blah.

Friend 2: We got Thanksgiving coming up before you know it.

Friend 1: Nobody cares about Thanksgiving!

Friend 2: Rude.

Friend 1: You know what I mean: pre-Halloween build-up is fun excitement, and post-Halloween is dreary letdown.  I also didn’t get to do much this year, no trick-or-treaters stopped by even to toilet paper my apartment building, and I went through all the Frankenstein movies for the first time ever with more of an appreciation for 30s and 40s filmmaking than actually being scared.

Friend 2: Wait, how many Frankenstein movies were there?  I thought it was just the one.

Friend 1: (Scoffs) Amateur: (Counts on fingers) not counting remakes, there’s also Bride of, Son of, Ghost of, House of –

Friend 2: OK, forget I asked.

Friend 1: I will.

Friend 2: So, if you’re all bummed out that Halloween’s over, maybe keep up the decorations for a few more weeks and dress like a zombie or a clown when you go to work or something.

Friend 1: (Stares off into the middle distance) I already tried all that.  The thrill is gone, and I got written up.

Friend 2: Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re upset with the onward passage of time, again: hold on for another 11 months and I’m certain the thrill will return once more.

Friend 1: That’s all I have to look forward to, I suppose.  (They both advance one spot in the line) Spending a lovely Saturday morning on a never-ending queue sure isn’t helping my mood.

Friend 2: I’ll say.  So much for early voting – by the time we get to the head of the line, it’ll be Election Day.

Story 559: Haunted Woods Misadventure: A Crossover Event!

             (At yet another ordinary-farm-11-months-out-of-the-year/Halloween-extravaganza-in-October, at night Friend 1 and Friend 2 approach the line with a huge sign reading “Haunted Woods” at the entrance just as the group ahead of them is allowed to enter – if they dare….)

Employee: (Reattaching a rope barrier and shaking shaggy hair out of eyes as the two arrive, with no one else in line behind them) “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Friend 1: (As both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each) Yeah, but what’s with the whole non-disclosure agreement tacked onto the fine print in there?  You all expect corporate espionage of your mechanical ghosts or something?

Employee: What?  Oh, ahem, that’s just so “the secrets of these terrifying woods remain unspoiled for generations to come.”

Friend 2: Is that why the line for this thing is always so short?

Employee: Pretty much: tonight’s the busiest it’s been all month, especially for a Sunday.  Guess the possibility of getting sued is too much of a scare for most people to handle.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Shuddering) Yeah.

Employee: (Peers over at the woods’ makeshift exit nearby) Probably’ll only be another few minutes, then I can let you in; fine print also said we can’t have more than one group in there at a time.

Friend 1: Sure, thanks, we’re not going anywhere.  (Mutters to Friend 2) Anything’s better than that hour-long hayride line.

Friend 2: Well, I thought the production design and actors’ performances were top-notch and worth the wait – I loved the artwork in the slaughterhouse, and that zombie witch was amazing, worked the crowd like a dream!

Friend 1: Yes, I’ll give them 4.5 stars for effects and 0.5 stars for efficiency.

Friend 2: To be fair, there had to have been over 100 people on that line.

Friend 1: Then clearly some process improvement is needed.

(Both turn suddenly on hearing a faint “Hey!  Over here!”  from back by the main area of the farm where the parking lot, food court, and gift shop were set up; squinting in the distance, they see a smiling figure waving at them and then pointing to a wristwatch on the other arm until another figure walks over carrying two drinks, moves one to hold the edge by the teeth, and uses the now-free hand to grab the waving figure by the shirt collar and yank the former to sit down at a picnic table)

Friend 2: That was weird – I didn’t recognize either of them, did you?

Friend 1: I don’t think so, but I do know that creep somehow stole my watch from hundreds of feet away!

Friend 2: (Holds up Friend 1’s arm that is wearing a watch) You mean this watch?

Friend 1: (As Friend 2 lets the arm drop) …I retract my previous statement.  (Glances back over where the figures can no longer be seen through the milling crowds) Forget the scripted scares – it’s our fellow customers who freak me out more than anything else at these places.

Friend 2: I hear ya.

(They then turn toward the exit as the group that had been in line ahead of them emerges from the woods, all of them appearing shaken and eerily quiet)

Friend 1: (To the group) Great time, huh?

Group: (Turning as one to Friend 1, eyes widening in horror) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! (They continue screaming as they run all the way to the parking lot)

Friend 2: Amazing how you have that effect on people.

Friend 1: (Shrugs and smiles) It’s a gift.

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Friend 1: (To Employee while passing through with Friend 2) Job’s drained the soul out of you that much, yeah?

Employee: Like you wouldn’t believe.  (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring off into the middle distance)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe you should just stop talking to people in general.

Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?

(They enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet)

Friend 2: Whelp, this sure is a fire hazard if I ever saw one.

Friend 1: Relax, they’re professionals – it’s probably… I dunno, fake fire or something.

Friend 2: Yeah, and I bet these are fake trees, too.

Friend 1: Really?

Friend 2: No!

Friend 1: Oh.  (They reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) So, which way are we supposed to go to see the ghosts or the vampires or the werewolves or the whatever in this joint?

Friend 2: It doesn’t matter: just pick one, get lost for five minutes, and they’ll herd us on outta here when they feel we’ve had enough fun for the night.

Friend 1: OK…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s do that one!

Friend 2: Fine.

(They walk down the shadowy, fading path)

Friend 1: I’m telling you though, if I don’t get legitimately scared at least once in here, I’m getting our money back.

Friend 2: Heh, good luck with that….

(At the Haunted Woods line entrance, Employee is brushing fallen leaves off of buzz-cut hair as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 approach, with no one else in line behind them)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) I don’t think I wanna do this one – who makes you sign an NDA for a glorified walk?!

Sibling 1: That just means it’s really good!  And I thought you were all about the thrill rides?

Sibling 2: Yes, rides, where we’re propelled through the air; this is just wandering around waiting for people to jump out at us and elevate our blood pressure.  If I wanted that, I’d just take a walk in the city.

Sibling 1: (Wiggles fingers sarcastically at Sibling 2) Ooh, edgy.

Employee: “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Sibling 1: Yeppers!  (They both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each)

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) `K, go on in – oh, sorry, ahem: “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Sibling 2: Hold on, is there another group in there already?  Didn’t the forms say we should wait?

Employee: Nah, you’re the only ones who’ve come here so far tonight.  Lots of people skip this one, especially considering what today is; can’t imagine why.

Sibling 2: Yeah, don’t remind me.

Sibling 1: Awesome!  (Turns to Sibling 2 in glee) We can take all the time we want!

Employee: (Forlornly) Sure, take all the time you want….

Sibling 2: (Looks askew at Employee while passing through with Sibling 1) OK, thanks, we’ll go on ahead, then.

Employee: (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring into the middle distance) Go on ahead, then….

Sibling 1: (Back to Employee) Wait, how much time do we get in there, really?

Employee: (Still staring into the distance) What is time?

Sibling 2: (Mutters to Sibling 1 as they enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet) I think that one’s soul’s been drained by the job.

Sibling 1: (Trotting ahead in excitement) Yeah-yeah-yeah – (They both reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) Ummm…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s go down this one!  (Starts running ahead, then turns around and runs backward for a bit) C’mon, you’re gonna miss all the hauntings if they just get me!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head affectionately and jogs briefly to catch up) Would that be a bad thing?

(They lightly shove each other and laugh as they walk down the shadowy, fading path)

(At another intersection, Friend 1 and Friend 2 have slowed down to a trudge)

Friend 1: (Points to a tree) OK, I know I’ve seen that piece of fungus before.

Friend 2: We have to be going in circles, but how can we if we’ve been going in a straight line this whole time?!

Friend 1: I don’t know!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm in sudden realization) Is that why we had to sign the NDA?!  Are the woods eventually going to… EAT US??!!

Friend 2: (Coolly plucks off Friend 1’s hand) If we were eaten, then we wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anything anyway.  And the group ahead of us came out of here just fine.

Friend 1: Huh, I don’t know about that – they looked to me like ones whose bodies had been snatched to make new bodies, if you know what I mean.

Friend 2: Unfortunately, yes.  I’m just surprised we haven’t seen a single employee jumping out of the trees or standing there ominously or doing something to get us out of here so they could go back to doing nothing.

Friend 1: I know!  I thought the woods would be haunted with minimum-wage teenagers trying to liven up their night as soon as we got in here, and instead we’ve been moseying about, unspooked and unterrified, for – (Checks the watch and taps its face) an indeterminate length of time, because apparently my watch battery has expired.

Friend 2: Great: we can be haunted by the ghost of the dead watch battery, then.

Friend 1: Hey, at this point, I’ll take it.

(They freeze in place at the sudden sound of snapping twigs, then hold each other in fright)

Friend 1: (Whispering as they both look around for where the noises are coming from) Is this it?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Friend 2: (Also whispering) Maybe – unless it’s actually a wild animal that wandered in here and we should run for our lives!

Friend 1: If we run, it’ll just chase us!  We need to stand and fight!

Friend 2: Using what for weapons?!

Friend 1: I don’t know – the power of friendship?!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 round the corner, and all four scream at each other)

Sibling 1: (As they all catch their breaths and force their racing hearts back into their chests) Oh, thank goodness – we thought you were the ghosts!

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) You thought they were the ghosts – (Shakes head abruptly) whatever, there are no ghosts; I’ve seen jack squat of anyone working here since we came in what feels like an hour ago; and the scariest thing we’ve come across is that possum that you freaked out over earlier.

Sibling 1: (Hisses at Sibling 2) You swore you’d never tell anyone about that!

Sibling 2: Anyone we know!

Friend 1: (Having detached from Friend 2) Well, I’m just glad to see someone else in here besides the two of us, because the dearth of terrifying actors in these supposedly haunted woods has been extremely distracting.

Sibling 2: You two must’ve been in here a while, then; the employee out front said no one else was here tonight.

Friend 1: I have a forgettable face.

Friend 2: That’s weird: bypassing the fact that I’ve just been completely ignored, there was another group right before us.

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) Poor sap doesn’t even know who’s coming and going – I was right, guess that job really is that soul-draining.

Friend 1: That’s what I said, too.

Sibling 1: So, you got lost just like us, huh?

Friend 2: (Glaring at Friend 1; through gritted teeth) Yes!

Friend 1: We are not lost; we just… misplaced the exit.

Sibling 2: Well, we’ve been wandering around for I don’t know how long; you mind if we tag along with you and maybe together we can find our way out of here?

Friend 2: I’d say “Yes,” but I doubt any of us could find our way out of a paper bag right now.

Sibling 2: (Takes out a cell phone and taps the screen a few times) I’d gladly give up any semblance of dignity and use GPS to tell us where to go, except now my phone seems to be on the fritz – anyone else?

(The other three take out their phones and tap them uselessly)

Friend 1: Shucks, I can’t even be one of those panicky people and call 9-1-1 to get us airlifted out of here!

Sibling 1: Heh-heh-heh – that’d be pretty sweet.

Sibling 2: No, it wouldn’t!  It’d be so embarrassing!

Sibling 1: Hey, listen, I’m sorry this is turning out to be no fun – you were probably right we shouldn’t have done this, especially on Friday the 13^th.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 look up from their phones suddenly, then at each other in confusion)

Sibling 2: I’m not superstitious; it’s just that everything always goes wrong for me on that day and now I’m being proven right again!  I’ll just stay home for 24 hours when the next one rolls around, that’s all.

Friend 1: Ex – cuuuuse meee….

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 1: You said, “Friday the 13^th”?

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 2: Today’s Sunday the 13^th.

(All four furrow their brows at each other)

Sibling 2: Noooo, today’s Friday.  Have you two lost a weekend in here or something?

Friend 1: Ew, no; Friday the 13^th was last year.  This year was Leap Year so that date skipped Saturday and now it’s Sunday.  (To Friend 2’s raised eyebrows) Yes, I know some things.

Sibling 1: Wait, Leap Year?  That’s next year.

Friend 1: Tell that to this past February 29.  (Laughs in disbelief) I mean, what year do you think it is?

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: 2023.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the other two in shock, then look at each other and laugh in borderline hysteria)

Friend 1: (Wiping a tear from an eye and wagging a finger at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) You, you almost had me for a second; I think it’s the whole atmosphere in here, Halloween and all, very funny.  E for Effort.

Sibling 2: (After sharing a confused look with Sibling 1) So, what year do you think it is?

Friend 1: Yes, you’ve had your fun, it’s still 2024, all year, let’s be adults!

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s eyes widen in shock)

Sibling 1: 2024?!  (Falls to the ground in a brief faint)

Sibling 2: Excuse me – this one’s very susceptible to stress.  (Picks up Sibling 1 and brushes dirt and twigs off the latter) If our phones were working I’d show you the date and knock off this nonsense, but I assure you – (To Sibling 1) especially you – (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) that it’s still 2023, all year.

Friend 1: All year last year.

Sibling 2: OK, fine: so if you’re from – (Air quotes) “The Future”, then who won the next U.S. Presidential Election, hm?

Friend 1: It hasn’t happened yet!

Sibling 2: …Oh right.

Friend 1: And why does everybody always ask something like that to prove the other person’s from the future?  I could just make up anything and you’d never know the difference until it was way too late!

Sibling 2: All right, forget it, I’ll think of something else, just give me a minute!

Friend 1: (Raises a finger with an idea) I’ve got it!  (Holds out the arm with the wristwatch for Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 to see) Look – the date here says “2024” and it’s non-satellite dependent, so there!

Sibling 2: (Looks up from the watch after a few moments) Prank.

Friend 1: Seriously?! 

Friend 2: This is getting us literally nowhere – who cares if we’re in a time warp or something, the bottom line is we’ve gotta get out of here!

Sibling 1: (Looking up at the treetops) You know, I’ve been wondering if this place actually contains a wormhole that forced our particles into quantum entanglement –

Sibling 2: Oh, so now you decide to use your physics degree?!  Can you wormhole us to the direction where we came in, then?!

Sibling 1: (Looks back at Sibling 2) I could try, but the superstrings –

Sibling 2: Not.  Another.  Word.

Friend 1: (Holds up a hand) I have an idea: maybe if we keep taking this path, it’ll dump us out of the woods – somewhere.  Somewhen?

Friend 2: Taking this path is what led us here in the first place!  And now we’re stuck in the past and have to live last year all over again, and I regret everything I did that year, everything!

Friend 1: Or, contrarily – (Gestures at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) they’re stuck in the future, and have now lost a year.  (Turns to the other two) My condolences.

Sibling 2: I refuse to accept –

(All four freeze as they hear snapping twigs; a figure rounds the corner, wearing old-fashioned clothes and carrying a crossbow)

Hunter: Ah, fellow travelers… in strange clothing.  Are ye also seeking deer on this fine Hunter’s Moon night?  (The other four scream and run down the path ahead) Hm.  I do worry about the English sometimes.

(The four stop after a few minutes to catch their breaths)

Friend 1: I don’t believe this!  I’m stuck into a time vortex in the messed-up woods – and I’m out of paid vacation time at work!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 nod in sympathy while bent over, gasping)

Friend 2: (Straightens up) Wait – listen!  (They all strain to hear) I think that’s the crowds from the main part of the farm… (Faint screams are heard) Yes!  Hear that?!  I’ve never been so happy to hear fake terror in all my life!

Sibling 1: Huzzah, we’re saved!  (Starts to run but Sibling 2 grabs the former by the shirt collar and yanks back; Friend 1’s eyes widen in realization)

Sibling 2: Sooooo… what’s going to happen when we all leave here?  We disappear, you disappear, what?

Friend 1: No idea, but I do know one thing – (Points to Sibling 1) it was you!

Sibling 1: Huh?

Friend 1: You were the creep with my watch before we came in here!  I’d never seen you before, but now I see everything!

Sibling 1: “Creep”?!

Friend 2: (Leans in to squint at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 as Friend 1 takes off the watch) Oh yeah, you’re right, it is them.  Different clothes, though – did you two do a quick-change and stalk us in here, then?

Sibling 2: What?  No!

Sibling 1: Yeah, that sounds like way too much effort.

Friend 1: Here.  (Hands the watch to Sibling 1) You both have to come back here in exactly a year from today, and you wear the watch and wave at us from the food court while we’re waiting on line, and then we’ll know this whole time-wormhole-thing is true – and if you don’t do it, it’ll create a paradox and the universe’ll implode or something.

Sibling 1: (Pocketing the watch) Actually, it’s more likely that an alternate universe will be created –

Sibling 2: Thank you, Professor Nerd.  (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) This has been loads of fun, but I think it’s time – (Rolls eyes at the unintentional pun) ugh – we all got the blazes outta here, don’t you agree?

Friend 2: Don’t have to tell me twice!  (They all run to the exit, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 getting ahead of Friend 1 and Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Cups hands around mouth to shout) Remember!  “One year hence!”

Sibling 2: (Shouting back as Sibling 1 gives a thumbs-up) Right, Green Knight!  (Turns a corner with Sibling 1)

Friend 1: (Smiling wildly) Yeah, you got it.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn the same corner soon afterward and run out of the woods; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are nowhere in sight)

Friend 1: (In an awed whisper) They vanished….

Friend 2: Yeah – away from you.  Let’s get out of here; I really wanna go home.

Friend 1: Just a second.  (Shouts at Employee who still is stationed at the head of the empty line) Hey!  (Employee turns with a vacant expression) What year is it?

Employee: (Covers shaggy hair up against ears) Don’t ask me such things – I won’t be sued, I won’t!  (Runs away to the staff break room, “La-la-la!”-ing all the way)

Friend 2: (Holds out cell phone to show Friend 1 the display) OK, phone’s working again, and just in case you were wondering: it’s still Sunday, October 13, 2024.

Friend 1: (Nods once in affirmation) And all is right with the world.

(They jog back to the parking lot, passing the food court and rushing away from the crowds)

Sibling 1: (Running over to them, with Sibling 2 not far behind) Hey-wait-up-wait-up!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn around) Remember us?  It’s been a year, for us anyway!  Here’s your watch!  (Takes off the watch and gives it to Friend 1) I even put in a new battery; no extra charge!

Friend 1: (Examines it closely) Seems legit.  (To Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Well, it’s hard to tell if you’ve aged a year and this actually was for real, or an extremely elaborate set-up to satisfy a very sick sense of humor.

Sibling 1: Hey, it’s Halloween month – anything can happen!

Sibling 2: I have to admit, I doubted we’d see you two and almost didn’t come out tonight, but here you are, exactly as you were when we last saw you a year ago.  Hard to believe.

Friend 2: (Looking lost) Yes.  Considering that for us it was only five minutes ago, I’m not sure how I feel about all this.

Sibling 1: Pretty life-changing, I’d say.  Meeting at a temporal crossroads; avoiding paradoxes to save the universe; the works!

Friend 1: Yeah.  Too bad we all signed an agreement that we’d never talk about it, so there goes our chance at geek fame and fortune.

Sibling 2: Heh-heh, that legalese’ll get ya every time.

Story 555: Flashback Back to School

             (On a park trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate carefully over the uneven terrain)

Friend 2: (Gingerly stepping down a highlands hill) I can’t believe I let you talk me into taking the difficult trail this time.

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree trunk for the descent) C’mon, you can’t stay on the easy-to-moderate trails all your life, you’ve gotta branch out a little – ow!  (Stubs foot on an exposed tree root and nearly falls off the mini-mountain)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh: got another one>

Tree 2: <Sweet> (The two trees’ branches slap each other in triumph)

Friend 2: (Helping Friend 1 regain footing) Still, this is the most exercise I get in a week, so I suppose I should be grateful.

Friend 1: You’re welcome.  (The ground levels out slightly and they continue onward with minimal interruption)

Friend 2: And it’s great coming here after Labor Day, with no more summer state park fees, summer crowds, or summer weather.

Friend 1: But it’s still summer.

Friend 2: Yeah, technically, but you know as soon as Labor Day hits, fun time’s over.

Friend 1: (Takes a swig from a water bottle) Ugh, don’t remind me: I hate this time of year.

Friend 2: Well, sure, I know you love beaches and boardwalks and any excuse to have funnel cake, but you gotta admit that the cooling weather, changing leaves, and absence of shore traffic are definitely perks.

Friend 1: Oh, no doubt; I won’t argue with any of that.

Friend 2: Then what is it?

Friend 1: (Stops walking, stares at an osprey landing on a nesting pole in the distance, and sighs; through gritted teeth) Back.  To.  School.

Friend 2: (Also having stopped walking) You… haven’t gone back to school in over 20 years.

Friend 1: I know.  But the 17 I did during my formative era have been seared into my brain and will never leave, at least until the inevitable dementia’s in full force.  No, scratch that: with my luck, those’ll be the only memories I’ll have at that point.

Friend 2: (As they both start walking again) All right, going back to school after summer break was sad and annoying, but it wasn’t that bad.  We got to see all our friends again.

Friend 1: I saw them in just the right amounts during break, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: Some of the work was interesting.

Friend 1: To you, maybe: I was a terrible student and didn’t need a yearly reminder.

Friend 2: (Winces slightly) …You liked Band!  And Drama Club, don’t forget that!

Friend 1: (Chuckles) True, true.  I miss those geeks; made me feel superior to the nerds in Chess Club.

Friend 2: What about the athletes?

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about those dorks!

Friend 2: (Defensively) Hey, I was on the basketball team for three years in high school!

Friend 1: Oh right.  Well, you were OK.

Friend 2: (Shakes head in exasperation) Whatever – point is, for us, school was all right and not the faux-traumatic experience you’re acting like it was.

Friend 1: I’m not saying it was; I’m just saying I hate Back to School.  Every year, all the anxiety and pressure come flooding back in like they never left.

Friend 2: Oh, well, then just… don’t think about it, I guess.

Friend 1: I have yet to hear an instance where that suggestion has ever worked for anything.

(That night, Friend 1 lies in bed, staring at a digital clock on the lamp table)

Friend 1: Mm-hm: at this time 20+ years ago, I was dreading the first day of high school… first day of middle school… (Starts drifting to sleep) elementary school… kindergarten… pre… schooooooolllll….

THE DREAM

(In a never-ending hallway filled with students, Friend 1 stands in the exact center, dressed like a 1990s teenager but still with a 2020s face, carrying a backpack and holding several textbooks with paper bag covers in one arm and an illegible class schedule in the other hand)

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically through the streams of passing students, gigantic lockers, and infinite closed doors as many bells constantly ring) Where’s my classroom?!  WHERE’S MY CLASSROOM????!!!!

(Suddenly seated in the very front row of a classroom, Friend 1 strains to read what is written on the overwhelming chalkboard)

Friend 1: (Squinting) Three times – Brontë, who – apartheid, when – igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic rocks, that – mi chiamo, che – differential equations?!

Teacher: (Standing at the front of the classroom, head almost touching the ceiling and growing every second) Now class, please turn in your reports on the entire science textbook that were due today.

Friend 1: (As all the other students hold out packets of neatly typed reports with perfectly formatted cover sheets) But – but – today is the first day of school – ?

Teacher: (Leans down from the heights to get in Friend 1’s face) THIS WAS YOUR SUMMER READING PROJECT!  YOU HAD MORE THAN TWO MONTHS TO COMPLETE IT!

Friend 1: But – but – a report on a science textbook?

Teacher: THE ENTIRE BOOK!

Friend 1: But – but – I don’t have it –

Teacher: YOU’D BETTER HAVE IT BY TOMORROW OR YOU’LL REPEAT THIS GRADE BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED IT!  (Straightens up and addresses the rest of the room) Now class, let’s begin our study of the American, English, and Russian Civil Wars by simultaneously proving Fermat’s Last Theorem and translating the Constitution of France into Middle English, backwards –

(Friend 1’s eyes snap open as a buzzing cell phone nearly falls off the lamp table)

Friend 1: (Answering the phone) Hellllllllooooooo????

Friend 2: (On a cell phone at an office desk) You sound awful – everything OK?

Friend 1: It is now; what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, I was gonna leave a message just checking on whether you’ve gotten over your “Back to School Phobia” or whatever it is you have going on.

Friend 1: (Lies back and rubs forehead) Actually, I just woke up from a nightmare about the whole thing, and it was probably the worst dream I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Friend 2: Oh, wow, that stinks.

Friend 1: Yeah.  But, in a strange way, I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, it was so ridiculously and unrealistically horrible that now my actual memories aren’t so bad in comparison.

Friend 2: (Leans back in desk chair in triumph) So: I was right.

Friend 1: Don’t rub it in.  Suffice it to say, I am now at peace with Back to School and can look upon that time fondly and enjoy this season at last.

Friend 2: Good, because the reason why I was only going to leave a message instead of having this full-blown conversation is that I figured at this point in the day you’d be at post-school era, adult-world work, so now I think you’re about two hours late.

Friend 1: …I wanna go back to school.

Story 551: Vacation Timelessness Holdover

 AUGUST 4

(On the phone)

Friend 1: Oh hi; what’s up?

Friend 2: Hey, sorry to bother you – probably packing for vacation now, right?

Friend 1: Heh-heh-heh: I don’t pack `til morning of.

Friend 2: What if you have an early-morning flight?

Friend 1: Then I pack earlier-morning.  So, no: I’m just hanging around enjoying my pre-vacation day off from work before I have to hustle myself to The Shore and then really relax.

Friend 2: Great!  Well, I was just calling to wish you safe travels, and have fun with your family down there – need me to collect your mail or water your plants or anything?

Friend 1: Mail’s on hold, and you know all my plants ran away to save themselves from my neglect.

Friend 2: True.  OK, have a great time then, and show me some pictures of the overcrowded beaches and boardwalk or something when you get back.

Friend 1: Thanks!  I’m just looking forward to when I enter the Vacation Timelessness state.

Friend 2: The what state?

Friend 1: You probably know the feeling: it takes about a day or so, but at some point on a long trip I start losing track of the days, the weeks, the months, and if I’m real lucky, the hours and minutes.  Wreaks havoc on reservations, but that’s what the other members of my group are for.

Friend 2: I think I know what you mean.  Whelp, enjoy, but don’t get too timeless that you forget to come back home.

Friend 1: Heh-heh-heh – if only….

AUGUST 19

(On the phone)

Friend 1: Oh hi; what’s up?

Manager: Oh, not much.  So: you showing up to work some time today?

Friend 1: Today?

Manager: You took off more days than most people in this economy feel comfortable with, plus cushion days before and after, so you were scheduled to come back to work on the following Monday.

Friend 1: Monday?

Manager: Yes, I generously gave you off both weekend days – don’t know what I was thinking – even let you sleep in today, what a sap I am – so your shift started at 3:00.

Friend 1: 3:00?

Manager: Just get here in the next 30 minutes and make up the lost hour tomorrow, and I won’t write you up – this time.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: Thirty minutes?

SEPTEMBER 2

(In a department store, Friend 2 goes to the customer service desk where Friend 1 is stationed)

Friend 2: Hi!

Friend 1: (With a glazed look) Hello, how can I help you?

Friend 2: …It’s me.

Friend 1: (Shakes self briefly) Yeah, sorry – I’ve been a little out of it lately.

Friend 2: I’ll say: you keep missing meeting up for lunch to show me your vacation photos; I figured I could track you down at work since you’d have to be here at some point and can’t escape.  Saved it for Labor Day, since I knew you’d feel a bit down having to work on the one holiday that should be guaranteed off for all laborers, but I guess someone always has to work for the rest of us to enjoy the day, you know?

Friend 1: (Stares blankly at Friend 2) Labor Day?  When is that this year?

Friend 2: (Stares blankly at Friend 1) Today is Labor Day.

Friend 1: (Shakes self briefly again) Oh, right – I get an extra day off later this week instead – which day…?

Friend 2: Are you feeling all right?

Friend 1: Yeah, 100%, why?

Friend 2: You seem more scatterbrained than usual.

Friend 1: (Looks around to make sure no one else is close by, then leans in toward Friend 2 to stage whisper) Actually, I think I may have a timelessness problem.  Possibly even a syndrome.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: You know how I said when I go on vacation I start losing track of time?

Friend 2: Yeah, the vacation time bit; so?

Friend 1: Well, usually once I come back to reality then the arbitrarily determined days, months, minutes, hours, and all that jazz come horribly crashing back on me and the inevitable march of mortality resumes in my brain, and all is as it has been, even if it isn’t as it should be.

Friend 2: Yeah?

Friend 1: So this time, that… didn’t happen.

Friend 2: You got back weeks ago.

Friend 1: Weeks?

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s probably almost half a month by now.

Friend 1: Month?

Friend 2: Why do you keep repeating what I’m saying?

Friend 1: Because time-related words have ceased to mean anything to me.  I’ve resorted to setting alerts on my phone and leaving notes for myself everywhere just to simply exist in a world where the clock means something to everyone else.  I used to shop for groceries on the same day every week and now only do so when I’ve run out of food.

Friend 2: Why not set an alert or leave yourself a note for that, too?

Friend 1: Gotta draw the line somewhere.  Point is, I’ve become… unmoored in time.  (Eyes widen in realization) I wonder if that means I can now travel through time?!

Friend 2: I doubt it.  Did you get in an accident, hit your head or something while you were away?

Friend 1: Hm?  Oh, no, nothing like that – went dolphin watching one day; they were pretty fun.

Friend 2: Well, what you’re describing sounds a bit serious and you probably should see a doctor to get your brain checked out.

Friend 1: Forget the timelessness bit – I’m afraid what else they’ll find in there.

SEPTEMBER 15

(On the phone)

Friend 2: Hi!  Did you enjoy your birthday dinner with your folks today?

Friend 1: Always – I’m actually calling to let you know I’m cured.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: The timelessness thing.  It’s done; it’s over; I’m back to so-called normal.

Friend 2: Oh… oh!  That’s great!  So, what was it then, did the doctor give you a pill or something?

Friend 1: Didn’t get that far: I had a barrage of scans and blood tests that showed I’m pre-diabetic and peri-lazy, so I got referred to a psychiatrist for next week but I’m cancelling because I got cured in the meantime.

Friend 2: OK, so… how were you cured?

Friend 1: Well, you know this year was the big 4-0 for both of us –

Friend 2: Don’t remind me.

Friend 1: – and at dinner one of my helpful relatives grabbed me by the shoulders right as I was about the blow out the cupcake candles and said “Welcome to Middle Age, chum!”  And that did it.

Friend 2: That was it?  That’s all it took?

Friend 1: Yep.  In the blink of an eye, time got its stranglehold back on my brain, and I now know exactly what day, month, year, etc., etc., it is all over again.

Friend 2: Oh.  Wow.  Kind of a stinky way for it to happen, but whatever works, right?  No more timelessness and feeling unmoored, yay!

Friend 1: Yeah, yay.

Friend 2: What’s the matter now?

Friend 1: …I kind of miss it.

Story 546: 4th of July: The Excuse to Make Things Go Boom

            (On a highway, Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

Friend 2: (After almost a minute of companionable silence) So, I heard this diner has been getting good reviews, but I must say that unless stuff is burned to a crisp or over-salted, all restaurant food tastes pretty much the same to me.

Friend 1: (Head on a swivel while scanning the sides of the road) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: (Looks over at Friend 1) I mean, the meal has to be absolute garbage for me to never eat there again; otherwise, food is food, know-what-I-mean?

Friend 1: (Still scanning) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: (Narrows eyes at Friend 1) I actually do eat garbage on a regular basis, did you know that?

Friend 1: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: Got ya!  You’re not paying attention to a word I’m saying.

Friend 1: (Glances over at Friend 2) Sure I am!

Friend 2: Then what’d I say just now?

Friend 1: (Stares straight ahead) …You said... that… you’re garbage.

Friend 2: Seriously?!  Why would anyone ever say that about themselves?

Friend 1: I dunno, maybe if one was feeling down and just needed someone to listen.

Friend 2: Which you’re clearly not doing!

Friend 1: Point taken.

Friend 2: (Starts scanning the sides of the road as well) It’s obvious you’re looking for something, so tell me what it is and maybe I can help you find it.

Friend 1: I’d… rather not.

Friend 2: Why not?

Friend 1: Because you won’t approve.

Friend 2: Probably, but since when has that ever stopped you?

Friend 1: True, but I also didn’t want you to hear your… you know….

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Judgey tone.

Friend 2: You’re impossible.  (Looks out the window) Is it something illegal, then?

Friend 1: …Not anymore.

Friend 2: (Widens eyes in realization) Oh no, you’re not looking for –

Friend 1: THERE IT IS!  (Swerves into the right shoulder with no signal and slams on the brakes as passing cars blare their horns)

Friend 2: (Waves ruefully at the cars, looks out the window, and sees a large tent surrounded by colorful signs and banners as Friend 1 dashes out the driver’s side door and loops around to the passenger’s side) Don’t tell me you’re actually buying fireworks?!

Friend 1: (Eyes shift back-and-forth quickly) OK, I won’t tell you.

Friend 2: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Friend 1: By the way – got any cash on you?

Friend 2: (Glares at Friend 1) I am not giving you money to get something that’ll blow off a body part more likely than not.

Friend 1: (Squints to read a sign) Oh, never mind – it’s cashless anyway.  (Starts to leave)

Friend 2: (Momentarily grabs Friend 1’s hand) Hold on: don’t you remember what happened in high school?

Friend 1: Lots happened in high school – you’re going to have to be more specific.

Friend 2: Roman candle?  Football field?  Fire departments from five different towns?

Friend 1: (Face clears in remembrance) Oh yeah – that was a great night; too bad about the fines and the suspension and almost not graduating and whatnot.

Friend 2: You got all that because you could’ve really hurt somebody, including yourself!  Or burned the place down!

Friend 1: But I didn’t.

Friend 2: But you could’ve, `cause you didn’t know what you were doing!

Friend 1: All right, fine, maybe at the time I was a stupid kid with a brief phase of wannabe pyromania, but I’m so much more mature now.

Friend 2: (Eyebrows go up through hairline) HA!

Friend 1: You’ll see: I know safety precautions now and everything.

Friend 2: Oh really?  Since when?

Friend 1: Since I watched a video about it recently and now know all there is to know and everything’ll go perfectly this time – bye!  (Trots over to the tent)

Friend 2: (Props an elbow on the car door and leans on one hand) Oh, help.

(After a few minutes, Friend 1 is seen exiting the tent with an armful of various fireworks, dropping them onto the ground, whipping out a candle lighter, and attempting to light a sparkler)

Employee: (Running out of the tent, waving arms wildly, and shaking head) No-no-no, not here, it’ll look like a battle scene if you set all the others off!  (Points to a sign that reads “DO NOT SET OFF FIREWORKS WITHIN 100 FEET OF THIS STAND OR YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW”)

Friend 1: (Still holding the lit lighter and unlit sparkler) Then how do I test that they’re not defective?

Employee: On someone else’s property!

Friend 1: (With a put-upon sigh, shuts off the lighter, gathers up the fireworks, and dumps them into the car’s trunk as Employee watches intently and then returns to the tent; grumbling all the way back into the driver’s seat and slamming the door) – a way to rip off customers, what a racket, let me tell you.

Friend 2: I’m sure they gave you quality colorful ordnances – can we go to lunch now?

Friend 1: Oh right; forgot about that.

4TH OF JULY

(In Friend 2’s driveway)

Friend 1: (On a small dais surrounded by fireworks) On this, our nation’s birthday, we celebrate the hard-won freedoms that our ancestors, direct or honorary, fought so long and mightily for, with explosive-powder-filled tubes that burst into pretty colors and shapes and go boom to simulate what being in an actual battle surrounded by actual loss of life and limb must’ve felt like.

Friend 2: (Standing off to the side and holding a glass of strong liquid) I can’t believe I agreed to you using my driveway for this.

Friend 1: You said the parking lot of my apartment building was too crowded and someone who was not me would’ve gotten hurt.

Friend 2: I know what I said – I can’t believe it, that’s all.

Friend 1: Token protest acknowledged; it’s your constitutional right.  (Friend 2 takes a swig from the glass as Friend 1 raises the candle lighter) Behold!  The birth of freedom!  (Lights one of the fireworks on the ground and jumps off the dais; the ground spinner immediately whirls around chaotically and skitters to a stop on the lawn)  Oops.

Friend 2: Called it.  (Lifts up a hose that was in the non-drink-holding hand and drowns the firework)

Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2 on the shoulder once the danger has passed) Good work.

Friend 2: (Turns off the hose and stares at Friend 1) You will gather all the remains, along with their fellows, dump them into this bin – (Toes over a bin that was sitting on the driveway) for the night, and bring them all to the fire station for proper disposal in the morning.  You also will check this spot – (Gestures with the hose) every hour on the hour until I am satisfied that nothing is smoldering and the entire neighborhood will not burn down in your misguided attempt at pretend patriotism.  In the meantime, we will go inside and watch an actual fireworks show by actual professionals broadcast safely for television while listening to actual patriotic speeches, and get some history and culture and military appreciation while we’re at it.  Understood?

Friend 1: (Holding head high to retain some dignity) I suppose, in the name of freedom –

Friend 2: Oh, save it: you just want an excuse to make things go boom.

Friend 1: It’s definitely a side benefit.

Story 541: I Thought Memorial Day Was for Summer Barbecues?

            (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Hi, just checking: do you have Memorial Day off this year?

Friend 1: Yes!  For the first time in almost 10 years, work finally didn’t schedule me on the most beloved of three-day weekends.  Of course, the one time it happened, it doesn’t matter: holiday’s ruined before it even started.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, my family was going to have an outdoor barbecue with the pool and the volleyball and the cornhole and the fireworks and everything and it was going to be awesome, but the forecast is calling for torrential downpours that day and we can’t do any of that stuff inside so they called it off and now I’m depressed.

Friend 2: Oh.  I actually was checking if you’d like to go to the parade with me that day, and since they’re having it rain or shine it seems you’re now available for it.

Friend 1: …Parade?

Friend 2: Yes, the Memorial Day parade our town’s having.

Friend 1: ….             

Friend 2: It takes over Main Street for three hours every year – surely you’re at least aware of that?

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: You do know what Memorial Day is about, don’t you?!

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: I’ll pick you up at 9:30 that morning – good-bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Lowers the phone and stares into the middle distance) …Our town has a Main Street?

MEMORIAL DAY

(In a steady rainfall, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are wearing raincoats and waving small American flags while standing with others lining the sidewalks of Main Street, watching the floats and musicians parade by and speeches made on a covered dais)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 during a brief break in the festivities) You know, I’m glad you dragged me out here super early on my day off – seeing all the active service members, veterans, and their families, and listening about how much they’ve sacrificed for our freedom and safety really makes me appreciate all the good things in my life and want to hug everyone here.

Friend 2: Glad to hear it.  Sorry you didn’t get to also go to your barbecue.

Friend1: (Shrugs) I suppose there’s always next year, but work’ll probably come to their senses and go back to scheduling me that day again.  (They watch the parade resume and start waving their flags again) I wish I’d been more aware of all this earlier in my life.  Did you know that all of May is National Military Appreciation Month?

Friend 2: (Freezes in mid-flag wave) I… never knew that.  How could I have not have known that?!

Friend 1: (Waves the flag self-satisfiedly) Guess you just learn something new every day, huh.

Friend 2: (Purses lips while waving the flag) How about you never bring that up again, and I’ll never bring up the fact that until last week you thought that Memorial Day existed just so you could go to a barbecue?

Friend 1: Sounds reasonable.

Story 537: The Ultimate Thrill Ride

             (At an extremely large outdoor amusement park)

Sibling 1: (After purchasing admission and putting on a wristband while handing another over to Sibling 2) I can’t believe how prices just keep going up and up and up from when we went here as kids!  At this rate, inflation’ll never end!

Sibling 2: I can’t believe you make the same observation every time you buy something lately.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Do I?

Sibling 2: Yes.  I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but I just know you’d say it again when we get something to eat and when we go to the arcade and when we do pretty much anything else here, so I decided to head you off at the pass and save myself the aggravation of having to hear it.

Sibling 1: (Mildly miffed) Wow.  I had no idea – is there anything else I do that irritates you while we’re on the subject?

Sibling 2: Well, now that you bring it up –

Sibling 1: Forget it: right now I wanna go on the swings and have a good time, and by gum, I’m gonna!  (Runs to that ride’s line)

Sibling 2: (Strolls after) Sure – no one’s stopping you.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Sibling 1: (As both make their fifth circuit through the amusement park) I think we hit all the highlights we wanted, right?  I still can’t get over how amazingly short the lines are!

Sibling 2: Yep: can’t beat going here on a Thursday in September.

Sibling 1: So, wanna do any repeats before we head back home and collapse in satisfied exhaustion?

Sibling 2: (Looks around) Well… not a repeat, but I’ve always had my eye on that one.  (Points to a space shuttle launchpad)

Sibling 1: (Laughs) Heh, yeah, OK.  (Looks back at Sibling 2) …You’re serious?

Sibling 2: Of course.  Why not?

Sibling 1: Because!  That’s the Rocket Ship Space Launcher – and it’s not hyperbole: it literally launches you into OUTER SPACE!

Sibling 2: Yeah?

Sibling 1: (Huffs in disbelief) I know you’re a daredevil, but even you have to admit that’s taking “thrill seeking” a bit too far!  I’m shocked it’s still in operation – last I heard, a group of riders got stuck in orbit and no one’s heard from them since!

Sibling 2: That’s an urban legend: they touched down in Antarctica a day later.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!

Sibling 2: Everybody was fine – eventually – I don’t see what the big deal is.

Sibling 1: Unbelievable.

Sibling 2: Well, I’m going on it; it you’re too much of a coward to join me, I’ll see you from the Moon, then.  (Starts walking toward the ride)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s arm) Hold on: you realize this might be a little too much for you to handle, right?

Sibling 2: (As Sibling 1 lets go) Are you joking?  Don’t you remember the time I rode the Colossal Cavernous Cretinous Coaster?

Sibling 1: You must’ve been with your buddies on that trip – I’ve never even heard of it!

Sibling 2: (Chuckles while staring off in reminiscence) Few have, for only those deemed worthy in mind, body, and spirit are allowed to even learn of its existence, let alone ride it.

Sibling 1: …For real?

Sibling 2: (Still staring into the distance) It was a thing of beauty: 40 loops; 360° spins every five seconds; more than 80% of the ride is spent upside-down; the cars were reversed at least four times on the tracks; and our bodies completely broke free from gravity’s greedy grasp for a solid minute.  I’ve never experienced anything so transcendent in my entire life, and I doubt I ever will again.

Sibling 1: Oh, please.

Sibling 2: (Turns back to Sibling 1 and points at the launchpad) This one might run a close second though, and I think you should experience something that monumentally profound at least once in your life, too.

Sibling 1: I don’t get why I should: I already went on the Suborbital Slingshot with you today, against my better judgement.

Sibling 2: And you didn’t regret it, right?

Sibling 1: Mildly!  My stomach is still up in the clouds somewhere!

Sibling 2: So you won’t miss it when we go on this one – maybe you’ll get it back on the way down!

Sibling 1: (Sighs in defeat) You owe me.

Sibling 2: (Loops an arm around Sibling 1’s shoulders to lead them both to the ride) What for?  It’s not like I need a guardian or something to go on the ride.  If anything, you’ll owe me for the awesome experience you’re about to have.

(Since there is no line, the Ride Operator leaning against the control panel wakes up and straps Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 into their seats, placing spacesuit helmets over their heads and hooking them up to oxygen tanks)

Ride Operator: (Goes back to the control panel and grabs a loudspeaker) OK, keep all limbs immobile at all times; keep breathing no matter what; and if anything goes wrong, hit the red button on your seat.

Sibling 1: (Through the helmet’s microphone as Ride Operator completes the final pre-flight checks) And how are we supposed to hit the red button if our limbs are immobile at all times?!  (To Sibling 2)  The instructions need a little workshopping, it seems.

Sibling 2: (Bouncing lightly in the seat) Yeah, I wanna get off.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, yeah.  (Turns to Sibling 2 and sees that the latter’s face is extremely pale) Are you kidding?

Sibling 2: (Shakes head slowly back and forth) Nope.

Sibling 1: I don’t believe it – how is this any different from the Colossal Whatever-Whatever Coaster?!

Sibling 2: (Barks out a laugh) That was a baby ride – they had to wake me up when it was over so I would get out.  This?!  Is off the map!

Sibling 1: (Yells over the sound of a massive exhaust release from the ride’s engines) You’re the one who talked me into riding this thing, and now you wanna bail?!  You are not leaving!

Sibling 2: (Squeezes eyes shut as the ride begins to vibrate violently) I regret everything I’ve ever done in my life!

Sibling 1: AND I HATE YOUUUUUU – (Ride launches into space) UUUUUUUU…!!!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 scream as they exit Earth’s atmosphere; the capsule reaches escape velocity, then hovers in semi-orbit above the planet)

Sibling 1: (As they gaze out into the vastness of space) Wow.  Talk about transcendent.

Sibling 2: …Is that Mars?

Sibling 1: I think so.

Sibling 2: Wow. Makes everything planet-side seem rather insignificant and pointless, huh.

Sibling 1: I’ll say.  I’m starting to question the meaning of my whole existence right now.

Sibling 2: Same.

(A spaceship flies up to them and a voice beams into their helmets)

Voice: Earth Creatures: Return to your doomed planet and cease your pollution of the rest of the universe!  This is your final warning!

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: What in the –

(They scream again as the ride begins to free fall and re-enter Earth’s atmosphere)

Sibling 1: (Sees that both of their seats’ red buttons have started flashing) What does that mean?!

Sibling 2: Guess there’s an emergency!  It’s getting a little hot in here, so I think it’s a distinct possibility we may be burning up on re-entry!

Sibling 1: For the love of – so do we both have to hit a button, or does just one of us have to hit a button?!

Sibling 2: I dunno!  (Tries wriggling a thumb to the nearest button) I can’t reach it – what about you?!

Sibling 1: Maybe!  (Reaches thumb to the nearest button) Yeah, I think so!

Sibling 2: At least one of us’ll make it, then!  I would never have forgiven myself if it was me!

Sibling 1: Don’t be so dramatic!  I’m gonna hit it now!

Sibling 2: Go ahead!  And farewell!

Sibling 1: Oh, shut it!  (Hits the button; the ride along with Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 disappear from the sky and reappear back where they started on the launchpad)

Sibling 2: (Frozen in place, along with Sibling 1) Did we just get… beamed up?!

Sibling 1: …I think we technically got beamed down.

(Ride Operator runs over to them, takes off their helmets, and releases their restraints)

Ride Operator: Are you two OK?!

Sibling 1: (Slowly stands) Yeah?  We survived, I think.

Ride Operator: (After helping Sibling 2 stand) Awesome; I forgot before you boarded the ride: could you sign these forms, please?  (Hands over two computer tablets) You can just put your thumbprint on them at this point.

Sibling 1: (As both discombobulatedly do so) Sure, what are we signing?

Ride Operator: Only that you won’t sue the amusement park, the ride manufacturer, and/or me, and that you will never speak a word to anyone else regarding what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, and/or touched while on the ride or all those parties mentioned will sue you, thanks-bye!  (Gently shoves them through the line gate, slams it shut behind them, and shuts down the ride completely, tossing up a sign that reads “Temporarily Closed for Maintenance”)

Sibling 2: (As both stumble down the steps back to solid ground, holding onto each other for support) That… was amazing.

Sibling 1: Now that we’ve safely landed back on Planet Earth, I actually have to agree.  (They eventually start walking more steadily and stop leaning on each other) Sorry I said I hate you.

Sibling 2: That’s OK; sorry I almost abandoned you at the last minute.

Sibling 1: That’s OK.  (They stop and look around at the crowds of families and friends obliviously going about their day, then simultaneously look up at the twilight sky) You think our lives are forever changed after experiencing something like that?

Sibling 2: I do indeed.  One doesn’t touch the stars and remain the same afterward.

Sibling 1: Huh.  (They look back at each other) So now what do we do with ourselves, knowing what we know?

Sibling 2: Hmmm…. (Looks off in thought for a few moments, then back at Sibling 1) Get some ice cream?

Sibling 1: Sweet.