(At yet another
ordinary-farm-11-months-out-of-the-year/Halloween-extravaganza-in-October, at
night Friend 1 and Friend 2 approach the line with a huge sign reading “Haunted
Woods” at the entrance just as the group ahead of them is allowed to enter – if
they dare….)
Employee:
(Reattaching a rope barrier and shaking shaggy hair out of eyes as the two
arrive, with no one else in line behind them) “Welcome to the Haunted Woods,
where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?
Friend 1: (As
both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each) Yeah,
but what’s with the whole non-disclosure agreement tacked onto the fine print in
there? You all expect corporate
espionage of your mechanical ghosts or something?
Employee:
What? Oh, ahem, that’s just so “the
secrets of these terrifying woods remain unspoiled for generations to come.”
Friend 2: Is
that why the line for this thing is always so short?
Employee: Pretty
much: tonight’s the busiest it’s been all month, especially for a Sunday. Guess the possibility of getting sued is too
much of a scare for most people to handle.
Friend 1 and
Friend 2: (Shuddering) Yeah.
Employee: (Peers
over at the woods’ makeshift exit nearby) Probably’ll only be another few minutes,
then I can let you in; fine print also said we can’t have more than one group
in there at a time.
Friend 1: Sure,
thanks, we’re not going anywhere.
(Mutters to Friend 2) Anything’s better than that hour-long hayride
line.
Friend 2: Well,
I thought the production design and actors’ performances were top-notch and
worth the wait – I loved the artwork in the slaughterhouse, and that zombie
witch was amazing, worked the crowd like a dream!
Friend 1: Yes,
I’ll give them 4.5 stars for effects and 0.5 stars for efficiency.
Friend 2: To be
fair, there had to have been over 100 people on that line.
Friend 1: Then
clearly some process improvement is needed.
(Both turn
suddenly on hearing a faint “Hey! Over
here!” from back by the main area of the
farm where the parking lot, food court, and gift shop were set up; squinting in
the distance, they see a smiling figure waving at them and then pointing to a
wristwatch on the other arm until another figure walks over carrying two
drinks, moves one to hold the edge by the teeth, and uses the now-free hand to
grab the waving figure by the shirt collar and yank the former to sit down at a
picnic table)
Friend 2: That
was weird – I didn’t recognize either of them, did you?
Friend 1: I
don’t think so, but I do know that creep somehow stole my watch from hundreds
of feet away!
Friend 2: (Holds
up Friend 1’s arm that is wearing a watch) You mean this watch?
Friend 1: (As
Friend 2 lets the arm drop) …I retract my previous statement. (Glances back over where the figures can no
longer be seen through the milling crowds) Forget the scripted scares – it’s
our fellow customers who freak me out more than anything else at these places.
Friend 2: I hear
ya.
(They then turn
toward the exit as the group that had been in line ahead of them emerges from
the woods, all of them appearing shaken and eerily quiet)
Friend 1: (To
the group) Great time, huh?
Group: (Turning as
one to Friend 1, eyes widening in horror) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! (They continue
screaming as they run all the way to the parking lot)
Friend 2:
Amazing how you have that effect on people.
Friend 1:
(Shrugs and smiles) It’s a gift.
Employee:
(Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your
time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”
Friend 1: (To
Employee while passing through with Friend 2) Job’s drained the soul out of you
that much, yeah?
Employee: Like
you wouldn’t believe. (Reattaches the
rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring off into the middle distance)
Friend 2: (To
Friend 1) Maybe you should just stop talking to people in general.
Friend 1:
Where’s the fun in that?
(They enter the
Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet)
Friend 2: Whelp,
this sure is a fire hazard if I ever saw one.
Friend 1: Relax,
they’re professionals – it’s probably… I dunno, fake fire or something.
Friend 2: Yeah,
and I bet these are fake trees, too.
Friend 1:
Really?
Friend 2: No!
Friend 1:
Oh. (They reach an intersection where
the path splits three ways) So, which way are we supposed to go to see the
ghosts or the vampires or the werewolves or the whatever in this joint?
Friend 2: It
doesn’t matter: just pick one, get lost for five minutes, and they’ll herd us
on outta here when they feel we’ve had enough fun for the night.
Friend 1: OK…. (Scans
each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s
do that one!
Friend 2: Fine.
(They walk down
the shadowy, fading path)
Friend 1: I’m
telling you though, if I don’t get legitimately scared at least once in here,
I’m getting our money back.
Friend 2: Heh, good
luck with that….
(At the Haunted
Woods line entrance, Employee is brushing fallen leaves off of buzz-cut hair as
Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 approach, with no one else in line behind them)
Sibling 2: (To
Sibling 1) I don’t think I wanna do this one – who makes you sign an NDA for a
glorified walk?!
Sibling 1: That
just means it’s really good! And I
thought you were all about the thrill rides?
Sibling 2: Yes,
rides, where we’re propelled through the air; this is just wandering around
waiting for people to jump out at us and elevate our blood pressure. If I wanted that, I’d just take a walk in the
city.
Sibling 1: (Wiggles
fingers sarcastically at Sibling 2) Ooh, edgy.
Employee:
“Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign
the waivers?
Sibling 1:
Yeppers! (They both hold out their cell
phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each)
Employee:
(Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) `K, go on in – oh, sorry, ahem: “Off you go,
into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”
Sibling 2: Hold
on, is there another group in there already?
Didn’t the forms say we should wait?
Employee: Nah,
you’re the only ones who’ve come here so far tonight. Lots of people skip this one, especially
considering what today is; can’t imagine why.
Sibling 2: Yeah,
don’t remind me.
Sibling 1:
Awesome! (Turns to Sibling 2 in glee) We
can take all the time we want!
Employee:
(Forlornly) Sure, take all the time you want….
Sibling 2: (Looks
askew at Employee while passing through with Sibling 1) OK, thanks, we’ll go on
ahead, then.
Employee:
(Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring into the middle
distance) Go on ahead, then….
Sibling 1: (Back
to Employee) Wait, how much time do we get in there, really?
Employee: (Still
staring into the distance) What is time?
Sibling 2:
(Mutters to Sibling 1 as they enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by
torches every few feet) I think that one’s soul’s been drained by the job.
Sibling 1: (Trotting
ahead in excitement) Yeah-yeah-yeah – (They both reach an intersection where
the path splits three ways) Ummm…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in
the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s go down this one! (Starts running ahead, then turns around and
runs backward for a bit) C’mon, you’re gonna miss all the hauntings if they
just get me!
Sibling 2:
(Shakes head affectionately and jogs briefly to catch up) Would that be a bad
thing?
(They lightly
shove each other and laugh as they walk down the shadowy, fading path)
(At another
intersection, Friend 1 and Friend 2 have slowed down to a trudge)
Friend 1:
(Points to a tree) OK, I know I’ve seen that piece of fungus before.
Friend 2: We
have to be going in circles, but how can we if we’ve been going in a straight
line this whole time?!
Friend 1: I
don’t know! (Grabs Friend 1’s arm in
sudden realization) Is that why we had to sign the NDA?! Are the woods eventually going to… EAT US??!!
Friend 2:
(Coolly plucks off Friend 1’s hand) If we were eaten, then we wouldn’t be able
to tell anyone anything anyway. And the
group ahead of us came out of here just fine.
Friend 1: Huh, I
don’t know about that – they looked to me like ones whose bodies had been
snatched to make new bodies, if you know what I mean.
Friend 2:
Unfortunately, yes. I’m just surprised
we haven’t seen a single employee jumping out of the trees or standing there
ominously or doing something to get us out of here so they could go back
to doing nothing.
Friend 1: I
know! I thought the woods would be
haunted with minimum-wage teenagers trying to liven up their night as soon as
we got in here, and instead we’ve been moseying about, unspooked and
unterrified, for – (Checks the watch and taps its face) an indeterminate length
of time, because apparently my watch battery has expired.
Friend 2: Great:
we can be haunted by the ghost of the dead watch battery, then.
Friend 1: Hey,
at this point, I’ll take it.
(They freeze in
place at the sudden sound of snapping twigs, then hold each other in fright)
Friend 1:
(Whispering as they both look around for where the noises are coming from) Is
this it?! Is the haunting finally
happening?!
Friend 2: (Also
whispering) Maybe – unless it’s actually a wild animal that wandered in here
and we should run for our lives!
Friend 1: If we
run, it’ll just chase us! We need to
stand and fight!
Friend 2: Using
what for weapons?!
Friend 1: I
don’t know – the power of friendship?!
(Sibling 1 and
Sibling 2 round the corner, and all four scream at each other)
Sibling 1: (As
they all catch their breaths and force their racing hearts back into their chests)
Oh, thank goodness – we thought you were the ghosts!
Sibling 2: (To
Sibling 1) You thought they were the ghosts – (Shakes head abruptly)
whatever, there are no ghosts; I’ve seen jack squat of anyone working
here since we came in what feels like an hour ago; and the scariest thing we’ve
come across is that possum that you freaked out over earlier.
Sibling 1:
(Hisses at Sibling 2) You swore you’d never tell anyone about that!
Sibling 2:
Anyone we know!
Friend 1:
(Having detached from Friend 2) Well, I’m just glad to see someone else
in here besides the two of us, because the dearth of terrifying actors in these
supposedly haunted woods has been extremely distracting.
Sibling 2: You
two must’ve been in here a while, then; the employee out front said no one else
was here tonight.
Friend 1: I have
a forgettable face.
Friend 2: That’s
weird: bypassing the fact that I’ve just been completely ignored, there was
another group right before us.
Sibling 2: (To
Sibling 1) Poor sap doesn’t even know who’s coming and going – I was right,
guess that job really is that soul-draining.
Friend 1: That’s
what I said, too.
Sibling 1: So,
you got lost just like us, huh?
Friend 2:
(Glaring at Friend 1; through gritted teeth) Yes!
Friend 1: We are
not lost; we just… misplaced the exit.
Sibling 2: Well,
we’ve been wandering around for I don’t know how long; you mind if we tag along
with you and maybe together we can find our way out of here?
Friend 2: I’d
say “Yes,” but I doubt any of us could find our way out of a paper bag right
now.
Sibling 2:
(Takes out a cell phone and taps the screen a few times) I’d gladly give up any
semblance of dignity and use GPS to tell us where to go, except now my phone
seems to be on the fritz – anyone else?
(The other three
take out their phones and tap them uselessly)
Friend 1: Shucks,
I can’t even be one of those panicky people and call 9-1-1 to get us airlifted
out of here!
Sibling 1:
Heh-heh-heh – that’d be pretty sweet.
Sibling 2: No,
it wouldn’t! It’d be so embarrassing!
Sibling 1: Hey,
listen, I’m sorry this is turning out to be no fun – you were probably right we
shouldn’t have done this, especially on Friday the 13th.
(Friend 1 and
Friend 2 look up from their phones suddenly, then at each other in confusion)
Sibling 2: I’m
not superstitious; it’s just that everything always goes wrong for me on that
day and now I’m being proven right again!
I’ll just stay home for 24 hours when the next one rolls around, that’s
all.
Friend 1: Ex –
cuuuuse meee….
Sibling 1: Yep?
Friend 1: You
said, “Friday the 13th”?
Sibling 1: Yep?
Friend 2:
Today’s Sunday the 13th.
(All four furrow
their brows at each other)
Sibling 2:
Noooo, today’s Friday. Have you
two lost a weekend in here or something?
Friend 1: Ew, no;
Friday the 13th was last year. This year was Leap Year so that date skipped
Saturday and now it’s Sunday. (To Friend
2’s raised eyebrows) Yes, I know some things.
Sibling 1: Wait,
Leap Year? That’s next year.
Friend 1: Tell
that to this past February 29. (Laughs
in disbelief) I mean, what year do you think it is?
Sibling 1 and
Sibling 2: 2023.
(Friend 1 and
Friend 2 stare at the other two in shock, then look at each other and laugh in
borderline hysteria)
Friend 1:
(Wiping a tear from an eye and wagging a finger at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2)
You, you almost had me for a second; I think it’s the whole atmosphere in here,
Halloween and all, very funny. E for
Effort.
Sibling 2:
(After sharing a confused look with Sibling 1) So, what year do you
think it is?
Friend 1: Yes,
you’ve had your fun, it’s still 2024, all year, let’s be adults!
(Sibling 1’s and
Sibling 2’s eyes widen in shock)
Sibling 1: 2024?! (Falls to the ground in a brief faint)
Sibling 2:
Excuse me – this one’s very susceptible to stress. (Picks up Sibling 1 and brushes dirt and
twigs off the latter) If our phones were working I’d show you the date and
knock off this nonsense, but I assure you – (To Sibling 1) especially you – (To
Friend 1 and Friend 2) that it’s still 2023, all year.
Friend 1: All
year last year.
Sibling 2: OK,
fine: so if you’re from – (Air quotes) “The Future”, then who won the next U.S.
Presidential Election, hm?
Friend 1: It
hasn’t happened yet!
Sibling 2: …Oh
right.
Friend 1: And
why does everybody always ask something like that to prove the other person’s
from the future? I could just make up
anything and you’d never know the difference until it was way too late!
Sibling 2: All
right, forget it, I’ll think of something else, just give me a minute!
Friend 1:
(Raises a finger with an idea) I’ve got it!
(Holds out the arm with the wristwatch for Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 to
see) Look – the date here says “2024” and it’s non-satellite dependent, so
there!
Sibling 2:
(Looks up from the watch after a few moments) Prank.
Friend 1:
Seriously?!
Friend 2: This
is getting us literally nowhere – who cares if we’re in a time warp or
something, the bottom line is we’ve gotta get out of here!
Sibling 1:
(Looking up at the treetops) You know, I’ve been wondering if this place
actually contains a wormhole that forced our particles into quantum
entanglement –
Sibling 2: Oh,
so now you decide to use your physics degree?! Can you wormhole us to the direction where we
came in, then?!
Sibling 1:
(Looks back at Sibling 2) I could try, but the superstrings –
Sibling 2:
Not. Another. Word.
Friend 1: (Holds
up a hand) I have an idea: maybe if we keep taking this path, it’ll dump us out
of the woods – somewhere. Somewhen?
Friend 2: Taking
this path is what led us here in the first place! And now we’re stuck in the past and have to
live last year all over again, and I regret everything I did that year, everything!
Friend 1: Or,
contrarily – (Gestures at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) they’re stuck in the
future, and have now lost a year. (Turns
to the other two) My condolences.
Sibling 2: I
refuse to accept –
(All four freeze
as they hear snapping twigs; a figure rounds the corner, wearing old-fashioned clothes
and carrying a crossbow)
Hunter: Ah,
fellow travelers… in strange clothing.
Are ye also seeking deer on this fine Hunter’s Moon night? (The other four scream and run down the path
ahead) Hm. I do worry about the English
sometimes.
(The four stop
after a few minutes to catch their breaths)
Friend 1: I
don’t believe this! I’m stuck into a
time vortex in the messed-up woods – and I’m out of paid vacation time at work!
(Sibling 1 and
Sibling 2 nod in sympathy while bent over, gasping)
Friend 2:
(Straightens up) Wait – listen! (They
all strain to hear) I think that’s the crowds from the main part of the farm…
(Faint screams are heard) Yes! Hear
that?! I’ve never been so happy to hear
fake terror in all my life!
Sibling 1:
Huzzah, we’re saved! (Starts to run but
Sibling 2 grabs the former by the shirt collar and yanks back; Friend 1’s eyes
widen in realization)
Sibling 2:
Sooooo… what’s going to happen when we all leave here? We disappear, you disappear, what?
Friend 1: No
idea, but I do know one thing – (Points to Sibling 1) it was you!
Sibling 1: Huh?
Friend 1: You
were the creep with my watch before we came in here! I’d never seen you before, but now I see
everything!
Sibling 1:
“Creep”?!
Friend 2: (Leans
in to squint at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 as Friend 1 takes off the watch) Oh
yeah, you’re right, it is them.
Different clothes, though – did you two do a quick-change and stalk us
in here, then?
Sibling 2:
What? No!
Sibling 1: Yeah,
that sounds like way too much effort.
Friend 1:
Here. (Hands the watch to Sibling 1) You
both have to come back here in exactly a year from today, and you wear the
watch and wave at us from the food court while we’re waiting on line, and then
we’ll know this whole time-wormhole-thing is true – and if you don’t do it,
it’ll create a paradox and the universe’ll implode or something.
Sibling 1:
(Pocketing the watch) Actually, it’s more likely that an alternate universe
will be created –
Sibling 2: Thank
you, Professor Nerd. (To Friend 1 and
Friend 2) This has been loads of fun, but I think it’s time – (Rolls eyes at
the unintentional pun) ugh – we all got the blazes outta here, don’t you agree?
Friend 2: Don’t
have to tell me twice! (They all run to
the exit, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 getting ahead of Friend 1 and Friend 2)
Friend 1: (Cups
hands around mouth to shout) Remember!
“One year hence!”
Sibling 2:
(Shouting back as Sibling 1 gives a thumbs-up) Right, Green Knight! (Turns a corner with Sibling 1)
Friend 1:
(Smiling wildly) Yeah, you got it.
(Friend 1 and
Friend 2 turn the same corner soon afterward and run out of the woods; Sibling
1 and Sibling 2 are nowhere in sight)
Friend 1: (In an
awed whisper) They vanished….
Friend 2: Yeah –
away from you. Let’s get out of here; I
really wanna go home.
Friend 1: Just a
second. (Shouts at Employee who still is
stationed at the head of the empty line) Hey!
(Employee turns with a vacant expression) What year is it?
Employee: (Covers
shaggy hair up against ears) Don’t ask me such things – I won’t be sued, I
won’t! (Runs away to the staff break room,
“La-la-la!”-ing all the way)
Friend 2: (Holds
out cell phone to show Friend 1 the display) OK, phone’s working again, and
just in case you were wondering: it’s still Sunday, October 13, 2024.
Friend 1: (Nods
once in affirmation) And all is right with the world.
(They jog back
to the parking lot, passing the food court and rushing away from the crowds)
Sibling 1:
(Running over to them, with Sibling 2 not far behind) Hey-wait-up-wait-up! (Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn around) Remember
us? It’s been a year, for us
anyway! Here’s your watch! (Takes off the watch and gives it to Friend
1) I even put in a new battery; no extra charge!
Friend 1:
(Examines it closely) Seems legit. (To
Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Well, it’s hard to tell if you’ve aged a year and this
actually was for real, or an extremely elaborate set-up to satisfy a very sick
sense of humor.
Sibling 1: Hey,
it’s Halloween month – anything can happen!
Sibling 2: I
have to admit, I doubted we’d see you two and almost didn’t come out tonight,
but here you are, exactly as you were when we last saw you a year ago. Hard to believe.
Friend 2:
(Looking lost) Yes. Considering that for
us it was only five minutes ago, I’m not sure how I feel about all this.
Sibling 1:
Pretty life-changing, I’d say. Meeting at
a temporal crossroads; avoiding paradoxes to save the universe; the works!
Friend 1:
Yeah. Too bad we all signed an agreement
that we’d never talk about it, so there goes our chance at geek fame and
fortune.
Sibling 2:
Heh-heh, that legalese’ll get ya every time.