Story 636: Summer Has Started Three Weeks Early

(On a small beach, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs under an umbrella, facing a bay that eventually goes into an ocean)

Friend 1: (Gestures at the nearly empty beach around them) See?  All the benefits of “The Beach”, with none of the hassle.  None of the crowds, none of the traffic, none of the fees.

Friend 2: (After a few moments staring at the gently lapping waves) None of the lifeguards.

Friend 1: Which is why we’re not swimming.

Friend 2: None of the bathrooms.

Friend 1: Which is why you’re always supposed to go before you leave home.

Friend 2: None of the –

Friend 1: Listen, do you want the experience of “The Beach” without dealing with all that stuff in actually going to “The Beach”, or not?!

Friend 2: It’s just… kind of boring.

Friend 1: How so?  Neither of us really swim at this point in our lives anyway, and we never surfed or paddle boarded or any of those major-athlete shenanigans, so how is this – (Gestures at the beach and water this time) any different?

Friend 2: I guess, but I’d still like the option to go swimming in the actual ocean, you know?

Friend 1: You stand in the shallows for five minutes and go back to reading under the umbrella for the rest of the time we’re there.

Friend 2: Still.  The water’s just different, you know?

Friend 1: Salt water, fresh water, brackish water – cold is cold.

Friend 2: And I do kind of miss some of the crowds.

Friend 1: (Lowers sunglasses to stare at Friend 2 in disbelief) What?!

Friend 2: Well, mainly the kids playing in the sand, making their little castles that won’t last the day, or throwing small balls that always wind up lost at sea, or floating around with their boogie boards, that sort of thing.

Friend 1: You’re always complaining how loud they are and that they’re running around all over the place and ruining your vibe!

Friend 2: I do not.

Friend 1: Ha!

Friend 2: I do not!  I think you’re confusing me with you.

Friend 1: Sure, I complain about them too, but at least I own it!

Friend 2: (Stares out at the water, brow furrowed in thought) Huh.  Maybe I do complain about them more than I thought.

Friend 1: I’ll say no more.  (Sips from a water bottle)

Friend 2: But still, it’s only early June now –

Friend 1: Summer has started for me, yes.

Friend 2: – so all those kids are still in school for another three weeks; couldn’t we have gone to an actual beach and still had peace and quiet?  I mean, I thought that was the whole point of us taking time off and going on a weekday now instead of in summer proper, when everyone will be there, every day, all day long?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 again) I am not paying $20 for the almost-exact same experience that I can get for free.

Friend 2: It’s $20 at that beach now?

Friend 1: Disgustingly, yes.

Friend 2: Per person?

Friend 1: Per car.

Friend 2: Oh, that makes more sense.  What about other beaches?

Friend 1: Slightly less per person, but I wouldn’t put it past them to raise fees once again, in solidarity with everything else inflating.

Friend 2: Hm.  Guess this really is the better option this time of year.

Friend 1: Darn tootin’.  And another thing: the lifeguard beaches don’t even reduce fees for this lull month when most of the crowds aren’t there yet, so if they consider it to be summer now, then so do I.

Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start until June 21.

Friend 1: I said what I said.

(They stare out at the water some more)

Friend 2: I suppose I could stand in the water for five minutes here just as well as anywhere else.

Friend 1: Go for it.

Friend 2: (Points to a section farther down the beach) Ooh, and look!  Seagulls, just like at a real beach!

Friend 1: This is a real beach!

Friend 2: You know what I mean.

Friend 1: (Picks up a trowel that was used to plant the umbrella) All right, would it make you feel better if you dig a massive hole in the sand and then immediately fill it in so you can have five seconds of childhood nostalgia?

Friend 2: Yes please.  (Snatches the trowel out of Friend 1’s hand and starts digging a massive hole in glee).

Friend 1: (Opens a book to read) You know, you can thank me for the other experience that you’re also getting free of charge, and no true summer at “The Beach” is complete without.

Friend 2: (Stops digging to look back at Friend 1) Oh?  And what magical summer experience is that?

Friend 1: Sand everywhere.

Story 626: I Forgot to Spring Ahead This Year

            (On a Sunday morning, Friend 1 groggily awakens to the cell phone vibrating on the nearby lamp table)

Friend 1: (Sloppily grabbing the phone and answering it) Muh-yeh-loh?

Friend 2: (On the phone, standing outside a busy restaurant) So, are you cancelling for today?

Friend 1: Hm-day?

Friend 2: We were supposed to meet for brunch at 10:30 this morning.

Friend 1: Muh-yeh?

Friend 2: Yes.

Friend 1: Wha – (Rubs eyes and clears throat) What time is it?

Friend 2: 10:40.

Friend 1: (Shifts to look at the alarm clock on the lamp table, then shifts back to the pillow) Isn’t.  It’s 9:40.  Still earlier than I wake up on a day off, I’ll have you know.

Friend 2: Are you looking at your alarm clock or at your cell phone clock?

Friend 1: Alarm.  Which is set to go off in five minutes, so that’s five minutes of sleep I’ll never get back, I thank you.

Friend 2: You should thank me: check your cell phone clock.

Friend 1: (Sighs and leans back while holding out the cell phone to check the time, staring at it for several seconds without blinking before bringing it back to speak) Must be some glitch – how’d you know my phone’s broken?

Friend 2: It’s not, you dope: the clocks turned ahead an hour at 2 a.m.!

Friend 1: 2 a.m. … this morning?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Why?

Friend 2: Because it’s supposed to save daylight or something!

Friend 1: No, I mean, why today?  Spring’s not until the 20^th.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe it’s to celebrate International Women’s Day here with an hour less of sleep but an hour more of sunshine!  Bottom line: forget about brunch since you’re not even awake yet, and we’ll figure out when to go another time.

Friend 1: (Starts stumbling out of bed) Now, hold on – we missed brunch, but we can move straight into lunch at this point, right?

Friend 2: No, you missed brunch.  I’m going in since I have a reservation and I’m not being cheated out of my brioche French toast that I’ve been looking forward to all week, so – bye.  (Ends the call and goes into the restaurant to have brunch)

(Friend 1 falls back into bed, dropping the phone onto the floor; the alarm clock goes off; Friend 1 reaches back and unplugs it from the wall, making it also drop onto the floor)

Friend 1: Want my hour back zzzzzzzzz….

Story 621: When a Real Snowstorm Comes Along

 DAY -2 

(In a chaotic supermarket, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate their shopping carts through the free-for-all in the aisles)

 Friend 1: Did we really need to come here on a Friday night when literally everyone else is here?

Friend 2: (Focused on the refrigerated cases) Huh?  What are you going on about now?

Friend 1: (Gestures to the panicked crowds) I mean, what are we all doing here?  We live in the Northeastern U.S. – we have had snow before, it’s nothing new.

Friend 2: (Grabbing a gallon of milk and dropping it into the cart) Yeah, but not this bad in at least the past 10 years.  This is the first time I could get to the store this week, and who knows how soon the roads’ll be cleared up before we can get here again?  Better to be safe than sorry.

Friend 1: (As they squeeze through the aisle again) Sure, but what do we really need that we don’t already get enough of on our regular supermarket runs each week?

Friend 2: I just said – fine: milk.

Friend 1: I don’t drink it.

Friend 2: (Reaching onto a shelf and grabbing a carton to hold up) Eggs?

Friend 1: Don’t eat them.

Friend 2: (Drops the carton into the cart) Bread?

Friend 1: Got enough for a year.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1’s empty cart) Then what are you doing here?

Friend 1: Had no plans tonight.

Friend 2: (Moves on) If you’re not getting anything for yourself, ditch the cart up front and help me with the rest – otherwise, run for it!

Friend 1: (Stares at the cart, then tosses in a bottle of juice and weaves through the crowd casually) Nothing to see, just trying to fit in…. 

DAY -1 

(At night, Friend 1 is sitting in front of a living room window and looking through binoculars up at the heavens when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Answers by turning on the speaker phone and returns to looking up) Larder still stocked?

Friend 2: (Wrapping water pipes with newspapers) Always.  You have your heat turned up to at least 65°F, the cabinet doors open in front of the pipes, and water dripping from the faucets?

Friend 1: (Without looking away from the atmosphere) Whyyyyyy… would I do something so wasteful?

Friend 2: To keep the pipes from freezing and bursting!

Friend 1: Pff.  Urban legend.

Friend 2: Urban fact!  It’s gonna get as low as 3° overnight!  THREE!  DEGREES!

Friend 1: Sounds like a scam.

Friend 2: For the love of – you live in a condo, think of your neighbors!

Friend 1: Why?  I doubt they give me a second thought, let alone a first.

Friend 2: They’ll give you more than that when they sue you for flooding their units with all the water from your broken pipes!

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers the binoculars) I’ll call you right back. 

30 MINUTES LATER 

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while curled up in a blanket on the couch) Well?

Friend 1: (Back to looking through binoculars up at the night sky) Well, our association e-mailed us the same suggestions you just mentioned, so I’m all done with setting that stuff up, Mom.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Now if your pipes still burst after all that, you know you did everything you could to prevent it.

Friend 1: (Nods while observing) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: What are you up to, anyway?  You’ve had me on speaker both times.

Friend 1: I’m on storm watch.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: If this storm’s supposed to be as epic as everyone claims, I want to see the very first flake of doom as it descends from the heavens.

Friend 2: Not supposed to start until 4 a.m.

Friend 1: (Lowers the binoculars again) I’m going to bed – good night.

Friend 2: Stay warm! 

DAY 1 

(Friend 1 sits up suddenly in bed, flailing in the sheets and blankets)

Friend 1: Oh no, the snow’s everywhere, I’m suffocating!  (Sees the sheets and blankets and stops) Oh.  Just a dream.  Never mind.  (Gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens the blinds – everything outside is covered in white, and heavy snow continues to fall steadily) Oops.  Whelp, that’s what we pay snow removal fees for – they can wake me when it’s time to move my car.  (Closes the blinds, skips back to bed, dives under the sheets and blankets, and immediately falls back asleep) 

DAY 2 

(Friend 1 is cocooned in quilts on the couch and watching a movie when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Pauses the movie and answers the phone) Hey, how’s hibernation going?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at a kitchen table) Not so great – I no sooner shovel out the driveway then I get plowed back in again; unavoidable, but still tiresomely tedious.  I wonder if this is how Sisyphus felt pushing that same rock up that same hill over and over?

Friend 1: (Sipping hot chocolate) Wouldn’t know – I try to avoid that feeling whenever possible.  Wanna borrow my backhoe?

Friend 2: What – where – how on Earth do you even store that?

Friend 1: I know a guy.  (Slurps the drink)

Friend 2: Well, thanks, but I think by now I should be cleared out for good on this storm, since the freezing snow’s finally stopped.

Friend 1: Oh, so you’re working from home today?

Friend 2: Yeah, we got the go-ahead for that since the roads aren’t too clear yet.  What about you?

Friend 1: Heh, we in retail are afforded no such luxury.

Friend 2: So, did the store close again today, then?

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: I know, silly question.

Friend 1: No, I left a detailed message on my manager’s cell phone saying how impossible it is for anyone to safely get anywhere today, so if even the customers can’t get there, why should I, and all that standard boilerplate; I also threw in that another storm is threatening on the horizon, so for everyone’s stake I should stay in my hole where I can’t damage anything.  (Sees an alert) Perfect timing – I got a response just now.

Friend 2: What’s it say?

Friend 1: (Reads the message out loud) “If I have to be here, you have to be here.  And your shift starts at 5 when the roads will be clearer so I don’t want to hear it.” …. I wonder if I can pretend I didn’t receive this?

Friend 2: Nope.  Careful driving tonight!

Friend 1: Elitist! 

DAY 7 

(Friend 2 stares at the heavily sideways-falling snow out the living room window, then calls Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Collapsed on the couch, still wearing a winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots; uses a pinky to answer the phone on speaker and wheezes out) Yes?!

Friend 2: Hey, just checking how you’re holding up with Blizzard #3?

Friend 1: I have cleared off and shoveled out my car no fewer than 200 times this week, and driven through icy snow for more miles than are physically located between home and work, nearly wiping out at least twice every trip and taking the entire highway with me each time – ask no more of me.

Friend 2: (Winces) Ouch.  We go from middling snow for over a decade to back-to-back-to-back blizzards in the space of a week – I think they fed off each other.

Friend 1: (Sliding farther down the couch) They certainly fed off me….

Friend 2: Sorry you still have to drive into work during all this – I haven’t been in the office since before the first storm.

Friend 1: I’m sincerely happy for you.  I’m shocked though that my job actually did close again today due to the roads.

Friend 2: Oh, good!

Friend 1: After I’d already broken off the reconstituted glacier that was covering my car.

Friend 2: Oh, nuts.

Friend 1: (Removes the scarf and drops it onto the floor) Remember when we used to love playing in the snow, even if we had to help shovel the driveway first?

Friend 2: Of course; good times.

Friend 1: (Uses a foot to draw the living room window’s blinds closed) Now, I just hope the power stays on, the pipes don’t freeze, and spring starts tomorrow.

Friend 2: Don’t be greedy.

Story 618: Out With the Old, In With the Nothing

            (Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s condo door; after a few moments, Friend 1 opens the door wearing coveralls, a hat, and several layers of dust)

Friend 2: …I’m afraid to ask.

Friend 1: Too late – get in.  (Pulls Friend 2 by the wrist into the condo and locks the door shut behind them both, then looks at the other up-and-down) Where’s your protective gear?

Friend 2: (Gestures to self) You said “Dress for a mess” so these are the most worn-out clothes I have; although – (Also looks Friend 1 up-and-down) it seems I forgot to bring along my gas mask.

Friend 1: What?  Oh, forget it – too late for such trifles now!  Let’s go.  (Leads the way to the bedroom in the back of the unit and opens arms wide once through the doorway) Right!  Here’s how far I got so… far.

(Friend 2 takes in all the boxes, books, clothes, photo albums, files, stuff, stuff, and more stuff all over the floor, the bed, and partway up the walls)

Friend 2: Oh… wow….

Friend 1: I know, isn’t it hideous?  We always complain about accumulating junk we don’t need but we never truly realize how much of it we’ve shoved into our lives.  I haven’t even touched the upper shelves in the closet yet, if you can believe it.

Friend 2: (Nodding resignedly) Oh, I can.  And this is the only room you need to go through, yes, please?

Friend 1: (Starts moving piles of clothes into bigger piles on the bed) Yeah – the good thing about moving from your childhood home straight into a smaller space is that I never got a chance to collect mega-sized possessions.  Could you imagine if I tried to shove a table tennis table in here?

Friend 2: But you don’t play.

Friend 1: No, but if I had a huge house all to myself I’d probably start buying stuff like that just to fill it up.  Oh, the soul-crushing cycle of consumerism!

Friend 2: (Tosses away a dirty sock) Spare me.

Friend 1: Sure.  (Abruptly sits in a small cleared-out area on the floor) So: I need you to help me get rid of the paraphernalia.

Friend 2: (Sits nearby in another small cleared-out area on the floor) What, you mean like old school notebooks and broken trinkets and what-not?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Don’t need me for that – you know what’s a keeper and what’s garbage.

Friend 1: That’s the thing: I’ll think they’re all keepers.  I need you here to be brutal.

Friend 2: Ah.

Friend 1: No matter how much I beg, plead, or complain, if it’s taking up space and is no longer needed in my life, it’s got – to – go.

Friend 2: If you say so.  Is this a New Year’s resolution thing?

Friend 1: Sort of, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.  I read in a few places recently that it’ll be so much easier to have all these knickknacks no one else’ll care about already gone, for those who’ll wind up having to clean out this place after I kick the bucket.

Friend 2: (Looks up from holding a half-used pencil at different angles) Ugh, morbid.

Friend 1: Hey, we all have to face reality at some point.

Friend 2: Yes, and you’re so good at that.

Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t mostly true; this time though I’m actually being proactively thoughtful with my inevitable exit stage left.

Friend 2: And you realize that I’ll probably be the one cleaning out your stuff – in the far, far distant future, of course.

Friend 1: I doubt it: you’re nicer than I am, so the rule usually is that you’ll go to Heaven first and I’ll be stuck here for a much longer sentence.

Friend 2: Thanks, I think.  (Rummages through a nearby pile and pulls out an old toy car) OK, let’s start small with this: Keep, Donate, or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Takes the car with a smile) Aw, I remember getting this from my grandparents when I was 4 years old – I would zoom it all over the house on its never-ending race around the world!... Mom and Dad weren’t too happy about that.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.  So, Keep?

Friend 1: (Fiddles with the car for a few moments, then shakes head definitively and hands the toy back to Friend 2) No, this can go to the Donate pile: it’s time it made someone else happy.  I’ll always cherish the memories, right up until the moment dementia steals them.

Friend 2: Bleak.  (Clears another open space on the floor and sets down the car) This’ll be the Donate pile, then – you got a bag for Garbage?

Friend 1: (Holds up a contractor bag) Way ahead of you!

Friend 2: Good.  I guess the Keep items will go back into the closet or wherever, then.

Friend 1: Oh, that pile will be extremely small, don’t you worry.  (Winks)

Friend 2: Of course it will.  (Holds up a stuffed animal that is fraying at the seams) How about this one?

Friend 1: (Gasps) Wobbly!  (Grabs the stuffed animal out of Friend 2’s hand and hugs it close) I can’t believe I forgot all about you!  How thoughtless of me!

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  Donate to make someone else happy, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up guiltily) Uh – well – you can see the condition’s not exactly prime – I wouldn’t want to give someone a used stuffed companion –

Friend 2: So, Garbage?

Friend 1: (On an intake of breath) How-dare-you!

Friend 2: Mm-hm; Keep?

Friend 1: I should think so!  (Reaches up to the bed and props the stuffed animal against a pillow) A few stitches’ll fix you good as new, don’t you worry.

Friend 2: OK, moving along – (Holds up a file folder) This looks like class notes.

Friend 1: Really?  (Takes the folder and skims through the papers) Oh, Psych 101!  I needed that freshman year in college!

Friend 2: Yeah, I think everyone in freshman year in college had to take something like that.  Recycling rather than Garbage for those, then?

Friend 1: (Still skimming through the papers) Just a minute… this is really interesting… I practically blew off this class but now that I’m reading this it’s actually very insightful….

Friend 2: That class was over 20 years ago so most of the information is probably outdated.

Friend 1: (Hands back the folder) OK, Recycling.

Friend 2: (Clears another open space on the floor) Group #4.

Friend 1: What a side benefit to all this: we’re saving the Earth on top of everything else.

Friend 2: It’s very unlikely that we’re saving much of anything.  (Holds up a collage) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2) I’m shocked: do you not recognize your younger self with our high school chums in that display?

Friend 2: (Turns around the collage to look at it closely, then recoils in horror) Ah!  Garbage!  (Tries to shove it into the contractor bag)

Friend 1: (Grabs the collage and tosses it onto the bed) Yoink!

Friend 2: All right, but you’d better not post photos of that anywhere or I’ll never speak to you again.  (Holds up a trinket) Garbage or Donate?

Friend 1: Eh, Donate; should make someone’s day.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder and holds up a fancy pen) This looks used – Garbage?

Friend 1: Oh – that was from my first real job – it was kind of a memento – coming of age and all – but the ink’s probably dry –

Friend 2: Garbage.  (Flings it into the open contractor bag, then holds up a photo album) Keep?

Friend 1: Of course.

Friend 2: (Tosses it onto the bed, then holds up a video game cartridge) Donate?

Friend 1: If any system can actually play it now, sure – I kept losing on that one so I’ve no emotional attachment to it.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder, then holds up a diary) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Narrows eyes at it) Hm… read out the first page for me, please?

Friend 2: (Opens the diary and reads) “Dear Diary, No one understands me – ”

Friend 1: BURN IT!

(Several hours later, everything has been sorted into two towering groups of multiple mini-piles on the floor and one smaller pile on the bed, or put into several contractor bags; Friend 1 and Friend 2 creakily stand up and walk over to the door to admire their work)

Friend 2: Well, I have to say, I didn’t think you could bring yourself to clean out this much and this thoroughly, but you did, and I’m proud of you.

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  You were a big help – I didn’t think I could’ve parted with as much if you weren’t here to force me.

Friend 2: Well, that’s what friends are for.

Friend 1: Great friend!

(They smile at each other, then stare at the organized mess for a few moments longer)

Friend 1: So, now I’ve got to haul all these to the garbage and recycling dumpsters and a donation center –

Friend 2: (Turns and leaves) Yeah, not that great a friend.

Story 611: Trying to Avoid Being Late for Work

            (In a department store break room, Friend 1 tiptoes through the door, quietly opens a small locker, and tries to stealthily stash a coat and messenger bag into it, getting louder and louder as everything refuses to fit)

Friend 1: (Muttering) Get – in – you –

Manager: (Peeks head around an inner office doorway) Hey: need to talk to you for a minute.

Friend 1: (Pushes a bulge in as another item falls out) Oh, hey, um, actually, I probably should, you know, get on out there – (Stops to pick up an item) they probably need me, you know, out there – (Stops to pick up another item) you know, now – (Stops to pick up another item)

Manager: That’s what I want to talk to you about.  (Looks down briefly as another item falls onto the floor) Leave that for now.  (Goes back into the office)

Friend 1: (Hopping around stuff while mumbling) Oh-kay, thought we were all “Safety First” here…. (Enters the office and sits in a chair facing Manager) So – what’s up?

Manager: Your tardiness rate.

Friend 1: Oh?

Manager: You clocked in just now 15 minutes late for your shift.

Friend 1: Oh?  I thought it was only 10.

Manager: If it was the first or even the third time I’d let it go, but recently you’ve been steadily increasing your lateness minute-by-minute, so that I’m pretty certain one day you’ll clock in right as your shift is done.

Friend 1: …Well that’d be a neat trick.

Manager: This is your first and last official warning; next time, I’m writing you up.

Friend 1: Ah.  I suppose there’s no way at this point you can pretend you didn’t see me come in 10 –

Manager: Fifteen.

Friend 1: Fifteen minutes late, and we’ll let this be a valuable lesson to me?

Manager: You clocked into the system so it’s in the computer forever now.

Friend 1: Right.  Guess next time I should just “forget” to clock in and ask a manager to do it for me, eh?  (Exaggeratedly winks)

Manager: That is completely unethical, and next time you should come in on time!

Friend 1: Got it.  Would you accept the excuse that there was a lot of traffic?

Manager: No, because I know you live about five minutes away.  In fact, traffic actually was lighter today since it’s a holiday and there was no school!

Friend 1: Rats.  (Thinks for a few moments) And getting written up just means my permanent record’s besmirched, correct?

Manager: Three of them means you’re terminated.

Friend 1: Ohhhh….

Manager: This isn’t news: it was in the employee handbook when you were hired ages ago and it’s brought up at meetings at least once a year!

Friend 1: Yeah, but you never think these things actually apply to you, am-I-right?

Manager: (Sighs) If I cared more, I’d ask if anything was going on that’s making you late more and more, but I don’t so I won’t.

Friend 1: Good, `cause I don’t have an answer except that I’m lazy.

Manager: Clearly.  (Holds out a tablet) All right, sign here that we’ve spoken about this, then go out there and salvage what’s left of your shift.

Friend 1: Wait, I thought I wasn’t getting written up yet?!

Manager: Not officially, but we have to document everything, including verbal warnings.

Friend 1: (Signs the tablet) Typical corporate shenanigans. 

THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON 

(In the parking lot at Friend 1’s apartment building, Friend 2 pulls into a spot near Friend 1’s car as the latter is leaning against the vehicle)

Friend 2: (Hurriedly gets out of the car and rushes to Friend 1) Hey, what’s going on, are you all right?  You said it was an emergency.

Friend 1: (Pushes off the car and walks to the driver’s side door) You’re here, great: I need you to rear-end my car.  (Opens the door and starts to get into the driver’s seat)

Friend 2: (Pulls Friend 1 out of the car) Whoa-whoa-whoa – what?!

Friend 1: Yeah, I can’t get into too much detail right now, but basically I can’t clock in late for work again so I figured this would be the best excuse to not get written up and I technically wouldn’t be lying.

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: Sooooo – (Gestures to the two cars) you gonna help me out here or what?

Friend 2: Are you out of your mind?!

Friend 1: Yes, I think we established that some time ago.

Friend 2: I’m not going to ruin my car and deal with insurance and the police for something so inane as you wanting an excuse for being late to work!

Friend 1: It’s not inane, I could lose my job – eventually.

Friend 2: That’s a you problem!  Why don’t you just say you got stuck in traffic, like everyone else?!

Friend 1: They’re onto me with that one.  C’mon, aren’t you proud of me that I’ll be telling the truth on this one, strictly speaking?

Friend 2: No, because it’s my car that’ll suffer, and my insurance and license that’ll be slammed since you’re asking me to hit you!

Friend 1: Oh, don’t worry about that: I’ll take all the blame, say I wasn’t looking when I was backing up or something, and our state’s no-fault so it’ll just be our insurance companies duking it out and it’s all legal and no one’ll get hurt.  It’ll be a win-win-win!

Friend 2: Yeah, and meanwhile my rates’ll go up!

Friend 1: …Maybe I can write them a note?

Friend 2: Forget it!  I won’t even entertain the idea of committing perjury for you!

Friend 1: Oh don’t exaggerate – perjury’s only when you’re under oath, so at most it’ll just be fraud.

Friend 2: Not better!

Friend 1: (Tsks and shakes head) You know, you’re putting me in a real bind here.

Friend 2: I’m doing JACK SQUAT!  You’re the one who put yourself in this mess, and with all the time you’ve taken coming up with this asinine plot and having me drive over here, you could’ve been at work for hours by now!

Friend 1: (Thinks on that, then shakes head again) Nah, I still would’ve been at least 20 minutes late.  Wow, the time really is going up every shift.

Friend 2: What’s gotten into you, anyway?  Why is it suddenly so hard to get into work on time?  You’ve done it for decades with no problem until now.

Friend 1: I don’t know; I think maybe I’m going through my seven-year body change, and lately when I’m getting ready for work I realize that I really really really don’t want to be there.

Friend 2: Then either get a new job or get over it, because I am not staging an accident to enable your bad habits.  And what would’ve been your excuse for next time, hm?

Friend 1: I’m working on it.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.

(Another car suddenly backs into Friend 1’s car)

Neighbor: (Jumping out of the driver’s seat and running over to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t see you parked there, are you OK?!

Friend 1: …You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.

Story 607: Camping With Vampires: A Crossover Event!

            (In the woods at night, Friend 1, Friend 2, Sibling 1, and Sibling 2 sit around a roaring campfire; Friend 1 checks toasted marshmallows on skewers, Friend 2 and Sibling 2 fan themselves with caps, and Sibling 1 uses a battery-powered fan that sprays water; all four are wearing T-shirts and shorts, and sweating)

Friend 1: (Handing out a skewer each) All righty, these seem to be done – you want to break out the chocolate and crackers or take these plain?

Sibling 2: (Staring at the skewer briefly before looking at Friend 1) I’ll actually answer that question with a question: whose idea was it to meet up for s’mores over a blazing campfire IN 80-DEGREE WEATHER?

Friend 1: (Coolly) It’s October: this is prime Halloween season, and fall started almost a month ago, so naturally, one would assume there’d be at least a chill in the air at this time of the year.

Sibling 2: I don’t know where you’ve been, but except for the occasional major storm or random cold snap, there hasn’t been a regular chill in the air at this time of year for the past 20 years!

Friend 1: (Still coolly) I’m sorry that, unlike you, I refuse to allow reality to hold sway over my life.

Sibling 2: Clearly!

Friend 2: OK, let’s settle down before we all pass out.

Sibling 1: (Holds out the fan to Sibling 2) Want some?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it for a few moments) …Yes please.  (Vigorously sprays water and waves the fan all over before handing it back to Sibling 1)

Friend 2: Now, steady unseasonable heat wave or not, we’re here to have fun, right?

Sibling 1: Yep!  (Takes a big bite out of the toasted marshmallow) Ow!  (Lets it fall out) Oops.

Friend 2: So, since it’s a nonrefundable fee to camp here tonight, let’s have fun and pretend it’s chilly with a full moon out instead of hot and humid with no moon, and get on with the scary stories.  (Starts assembling the marshmallow, chocolate, and crackers)

Friend 1: Thank you.  (Sibling 2 bites into a bar of chocolate and makes a face at Friend 1 who makes a face back) Let us begin: this tale is especially chilling –

Sibling 2: (Around a mouth full of chocolate) HA!

Friend 1: (Briefly glares at Sibling 2) Especially chilling, since it takes place in these very woods.

Sibling 1: (Swallowing a piece of still-hot marshmallow and gasping) Hey, no one told me we were staying in haunted woods!  I wouldn’t have come, then!

Sibling 2: Relax: all woods are haunted, it’s no big deal.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!  You never told me that all those times we went camping when we were kids!

Sibling 2: Didn’t want to scare you.

Friend 1: Ahem!  May I continue?!

Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.

Sibling 1: Sorry.

Friend 1: Thanks.  As I was saying, this tale takes place in these very woods, which still are haunted to this day.

Sibling 1: (Shivers and pulls out a blanket from one of the tents to snuggle) Ooh, now I’m getting chills.

Friend 1: Awesome.  The creatures that haunt these woods aren’t ghosts, or goblins, or trolls, or werewolves, or dragons, or dinosaurs –

Friend 2: Skip a bit.

Friend 1: Right.  The dreaded creatures that haunt these woods are none other than – VAMPIRES!

Sibling 1: (Trembling all over) Oooooohhhhhhh….

Sibling 2: Odd choice, but OK.

Friend 1: Oh yes, many a camper has been attacked by these fiendish beings, barely escaping with their lives to tell the tale!

Sibling 1: Oh, so they live?

Friend 1: Yes, so they could tell the tale.

Sibling 1: Thought there’d be a body or two.

Friend 1: Ghoulish, but never mind: and so, the helpless victims are taken – in the night!

Sibling 1: Ah!

Friend 1: As they sleep – in their tents!

Sibling 1: AH!

Friend 1: And when they wake, they see… THE MARK!

Sibling 1: AAAAHHHH!  What mark?!

Friend 1: The mark… OF A FANG!

Sibling 1: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!  (Hides under the blanket)

Sibling 2: (Lifts up a corner of the blanket) Get a grip.

Sibling 1: Ssshhh!  (To Friend 1, peeking out from under the blanket) A real fang?!

Friend 1: Oh yes!  The mark of a fang, and the inflammation OF THE DRAINED BLOOD!   MWAHAHAHA!

Sibling 1: Ohhhh noooo!!  (Hides under the blanket again, shivering uncontrollably)

Sibling 2: (To Friend 1) Sooooo, it’s a mosquito?

Friend 1: What?  No, it’s a vampire!

Sibling 2: A vampire with one fang?

Friend 1: …Ye-es, to throw you off the scent!

Sibling 2: So, everyone camping out here would be just fine if they used bug spray and mosquito netting?

Sibling 1: (Throws off the blanket) Really?  Oh.

Friend 1: No, they wouldn’t be just fine, because the vampires laugh at such trifles, and THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU!

Sibling 1: Oh no!  Why’d we ever come here tonight?!

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe we should change to some lighter fare, like werewolves or zombies.

Sibling 2: (Rubbing Sibling 1’s back soothingly) Yes please – I’ve got one: it’s the tale of a wolf who wanted to be a real –

Friend 1: HOLD IT!  (Everyone freezes) I didn’t even finish my vampire story and you’re already cutting in with a different monster?!

Sibling 2: No one’s scared of mosquitoes, OK?!

Friend 1: They’re not mosquitoes!  And you would be scared if you knew how many pints they could drain and viruses they could transmit in a single slurp!

Sibling 1: Viruses, oh!  (Starts to keel over and is propped up by Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: All right, fine, they’re very real-world scary, can we move on to the make-believe stuff now?

Friend 2: I vote “Yes”.

Friend 1: Traitor.

Sibling 1: (Holding onto the blanket for comfort) I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Sibling 2: (Holds out a chocolate bar) Here, have some.

Sibling 1: Ooh, yummy!  (Scarfs it down)

Friend 1: Well, I just have to say, if we all wake up tomorrow morning drained of our entire blood volume, don’t come crying to me!  (The other three give puzzled looks) Never mind – go on with the werewolf saga. 

THE NEXT DAY 

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 walk along a trail through the woods)

Friend 1: (Kicking aside fallen branches lying in the path) You know, I didn’t want to mention it at breakfast, but I believe I fell victim to an attack in the night.

Sibling 2: (Dryly) Really.  (Drinks water out of a bottle)

Friend 1: Uh-huh.  I didn’t want to start a panic or be ridiculed yet again, but I woke up this morning and saw… THE MARK.

(They both stop as Friend 1 holds out a wrist to show a small red bump)

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: While I was sleeping, no less.

Sibling 2: Naturally.  So, what, you want some anti-itch cream?

Friend 1: I suppose you were left untouched last night, then.

Sibling 2: No – (Briefly pulls aside shirt collar to show many bumps) even with mosquito netting and spray, I’m covered in bites; so I’m writing to the manufacturers for refunds, but otherwise you don’t hear me complaining, do you?

Friend 1: (Staring in horror at Sibling 2, whispering) They went for the jugular….

Sibling 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Oh please, just – enough with the story, all right?!  We came here to have a good time, and you keep going on about things that aren’t real and pretending they are!

Friend 1: You know, after our little time-warp adventure last Halloween, I would think you’d be a little more open-minded about supernatural shenanigans!

Sibling 2: That was two Halloweens for me, don’t forget, and I’m still pretending that never happened!

Friend 1: We never would’ve met otherwise!

Sibling 2: Which I’ve regretted ever since!

Friend 1: I wasn’t stating it as a benefit, I was stating it as a fact!

Sibling 2: Well, I still regret it!

Friend 1: And yet you still keep showing up when we all plan get-togethers!

Sibling 2: `Cause I’ve got nothing better to do!

(At a lake, Friend 2 and Sibling 1 sit on lounge chairs perched at the end of a dock, facing the calm, sunny water, sipping iced teas, and basically doing nothing; a fish surfaces momentarily to catch an insect)

Sibling 1: (Pointing at the rippling water) Ooh, there’s another one.

Friend 2: Neat. 

(They sip simultaneously)

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) Funny: it sure is peaceful without those two, isn’t it?

Friend 2: (Still staring out at the water) …Just remember: you’re the one who said it.

(On the trail)

Friend 1: – keeps telling me that, but I can’t bring myself to stop, it’s like a compulsion.

Sibling 2: I think your friend is a genius and a saint for sticking with you this long in life.

Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t true.  (Looks around a bit) Where are we going, anyway?

Sibling 2: Beats me; I’ve been following you.

Friend 1: That’s impossible, because I’ve been following you!

Sibling 2: Well –

(They round a corner and see a group of tiny vampires hovering in mid-air; the group turns to face the other two)

Vampire 1: Heh, these are the ones from last night.

Vampire 2: (To Friend 1 and Sibling 2) Come back for seconds?  Hee-hee-hee!

Vampire 3: (Pats rounded belly) You guys go ahead; I’m full.

Sibling 2: What in the world?!

Vampire 4: Get `em!

Friend 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(They turn around and run but the flying vampires catch up easily and latch onto Friend 1’s arms and Sibling 2’s neck)

Vampire 1: (On Sibling 2) Hey, I actually found an open spot!

Vampire 2: (On Friend 1) Go for it!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 helplessly bat at the vampires attached to them as they slowly sink to the ground)

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2) At least… I can say… I… told… you… so.... (Passes out)

Sibling 2: (Fading) Fair… enough…. (Also passes out)

Vampire 3: (Flying up to the group as the others detach from the bodies) So, how were they this go-round?

Vampire 1: (Wiping lips) Eh – leftovers are never as good as the original meal.

(The other three murmur in agreement as they fly away, leaving the other two lying on the ground) 

LATER THAT AFTERNOON 

(Friend 2 and Sibling 1 pack up their respective gear)

Sibling 1: (Checking a watch) I dunno, they’ve been gone for hours – you think we should be worried that a bear got them or something?

Friend 2: (Also checks a watch) In that case, I’d be more worried about the bear.

(Both look up as Friend 1 and Sibling 2 slowly emerge from the woods, looking literally drained and covered in red welts, and listlessly scratching all over)

Sibling 1: Whoa, that must’ve been some trail!

Friend 2: (Rushing over to Friend 1) Oh no, were you two attacked?!

Friend 1: (Dazedly) Yes.

Sibling 1: (Rushing over to Sibling 2; intensely) Was it a bear?!

Sibling 2: (Also dazedly) No bear… actual… vampires….  (Suddenly sits down on the ground, still gently scratching everywhere)

Friend 2: Oh.  That again.  (To Friend 1) Seriously: what was it?

Friend 1: (Looking off into the distance while scratching both arms at the same time) No one would listen… no one would heed the warning… but you’ll learn… you’ll learn…. (Still scratching, stumbles a short distance and starts walking into a tree repeatedly)

Sibling 1: (Quietly to Friend 2 after a few moments) You think maybe it was paintball players?

(Before Friend 2 can respond, Vampires 1-4 fly into the camp clearing)

Vampire 1: Oh, you’re all still here?

Vampire 2: You might wanna move on before nightfall – we need to feed every 12 hours, and sleepers are easiest.

Vampire 3: Although, I skipped the unexpected afternoon tea and I’m hungry again now, so…. (Starts to fly toward Friend 2 and Sibling 1, who are frozen in shock)

Vampire 4: (Holds back Vampire 3) Easy there, buddy; a whole new crew of campers are coming in tonight; let’s not keep drinking from the same well, if you know what I mean.

Vampire 1: Yeah, this bunch has suffered enough, AHAHAHAHA!

(They all laugh nastily as they fly away; Friend 2 and Sibling 1 still stare where the group was as Sibling 2 falls over in a doze and Friend 1 continues to walk into the tree)

Sibling 1: …Doooooo you want to scream first, or should I?

Friend 2: You first: I’ll scream after we get them to the hospital.