Story 647: End of Regular Summer, Start of Local Summer

             (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hi there!

Friend 2: Hey – just checking if you want to meet up sometime during Labor Day weekend?  You’re off at least one of those days, right?

Friend 1: Just Sunday this year – the irony of working on a holiday specifically called “Labor Day” has slapped me in the face yet again, but I suppose I brought this on myself by remaining in the wonderful world of retail.

Friend 2: Is it more supportive if I boycott where you work that day, or if I spend money there to keep you all employed?

Friend 1: Eh – can’t speak for my coworkers, but I get time-and-a-half either way so makes no difference to me if I’m bored or frazzled while I’m at it.

Friend 2: I’ll just come and visit you, then.

Friend 1: Appreciate it.  I still can’t believe it’s Labor Day already.

Friend 2: Yeah, I know what you mean: there goes another summer for the books.

Friend 1: Uh-huh.  Another summer, out the window.

Friend 2: Hm.

Friend 1: Down the drain.

Friend 2: Hmmm….

Friend 1: Closer to death.

Friend 2: OK, that’s enough: you wanna meet up on Sunday for brunch or one last go at the amusement park or what?

Friend 1: Yeah, I’ll say “Nah” for going anywhere this weekend – everyone else’ll still be there, and I can’t stand everyone else.

Friend 2: Fine: maybe we’ll do something later in the month when it’s Local Summer, all right?

Friend 1: What’s that?

Friend 2: What’s what?

Friend 1: “Local Summer”.  I thought it was summer for everyone this side of the Equator, not just locally.

Friend 2: What?  Wait, you never heard of Local Summer before?

Friend 1: Should I have?

Friend 2: I dunno, I thought it was one of those things everyone knows about.

Friend 1: Then I guess my ignorance is showing, just in time for Back to School.  So, what is it?

Friend 2: Well, you know how everywhere you go, The Shore is jam-packed with tourists every day from Memorial Day to Labor Day?

Friend 1: Yes.  That’s why I never go to The Shore unless I’m staying overnight and can walk everywhere.  And only once a year, because that’s all I can take of that chaos.

Friend 2: So, Local Summer is when the tourists all have gone back to wherever they came from, but the weather’s still decent and a lot of summer stuff’s still open, so the locals now actually get to enjoy their own towns.

Friend 1: Huh.  Makes sense, I guess.  But we’re not technically locals, you know.

Friend 2: We’re close enough: our license plates are from the same state and we know how to behave – we’ll be welcomed with open arms.

Friend 1: Cool.  But the beaches’ll all be closed, right?

Friend 2: Well, there’ll be no lifeguards so you can’t go swimming, but you can still walk around and hang out on them which is what you’d do anyway.

Friend 1: True.

Friend 2: And at that point, they’ll be free!

Friend 1: You just said the magic word.

Friend 2: Parking won’t be free until mid-October –

Friend 1: Darn.

Friend 2: – but we’ll actually be able to find a spot that’s not five miles away from where we want to go, so there’s that.

Friend 1: Sweet.  OK, I’m in – have any place in mind?

Friend 2: I was thinking ------- -------.

Friend 1: I’ve never been anywhere near that place before January or after March – the crowds surrounding it otherwise prevent me from getting too close.

Friend 2: Well, by mid-September, that should no longer be an issue. 

MID-SEPTEMBER 

(Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat as they arrive at ------- ------- in record time with no real traffic; Friend 1 glides the car right into a parking spot on the street near the boardwalk, in the middle of everything they want to visit)

Friend 1: (As they both exit the car, starts spinning around in circles in wonder while heading to the sidewalk) I don’t understand – where is everybody –

(On the nearly-empty beach)

Friend 1: Where is everybody?!

(On the nearly-empty boardwalk)

Friend 1: WHERE IS EVERYBODY???!!!

Friend 2: Back at home, at school, at work – all that matters is: not here.  (Points to the nearly-empty amusement park section on the boardwalk) Wanna go on the spinning teacups first or the roller coaster first?

Friend 1: YES!

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 ride all the rides with no lines, then eat all the boardwalk food they want with no wait, then play multiple rounds of miniature golf with no parties of 10 before or after them, then run up and down the beach with no sunbathers blocking their way, and then walk to all the local shops in town with hardly any shoppers to maneuver around)

Friend 1: (As they both stroll along the quiet main avenue, eating ice cream that was served a minute after they walked into the shop) You know, I think I’m starting to prefer Local Summer to Regular Ol’ Summer.

Friend 2: I figured you would.

Friend 1: It’s just so… (Looks around the mellow shore town) peaceful.  A few weeks ago, it was probably so stuffed with mayhem that I would’ve had a silent meltdown, but now, this is what it always should be like: tranquil, mild, calm, soothing, all those relaxing adjectives that summer’s supposed to represent.

Friend 2: I bet.  (Crunches on the rest of an ice cream cone)

Friend 1: (Throws away a used napkin into a nearby trash can) You know, I think we should spend our summers here, after everybody else’s summer, from now on; not a care in the world; let that summer feeling last past August 31 even though it’s technically summer for another three weeks; whaddya say?

Friend 2: That’s fine, but I should let you know that the downside to Local Summer starting in September is that the Sun pretty much goes away around 7:00 –

Friend 1: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Story 590: Conference Encounter, Part 2

            (At a professional conference, attendees take their seats at long tables facing a giant screen, computer, and podium)

Event Coordinator: (Addressing the group on a microphone while standing next to Speaker) All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed lunch – I’m sure we’ll all regret that rich dessert soon enough though, heh-heh-heh!

Attendee 4: I regret nothing!

Event Coordinator: Right.  Now, our next speaker is actually our third speaker from this morning, continuing the rest of the presentation on “Quality Control and You”.

(Attendees groan and briefly slump onto the tables)

Attendee 5: Not again!

Event Coordinator: This isn’t a surprise, folks – you’ve had the conference agenda for the past month!

Attendee 5: We were hoping it was a typo.

Event Coordinator: I don’t get it: on past conference surveys, most of you said that you wanted more sessions on this topic!

Attendee 5: Not four hours’ worth, we don’t!

Event Coordinator: I had schedule gaps to fill!

Speaker: Doooooo you want me to step outside for a minute?

Event Coordinator: No!  No, please forgive the rudeness of your audience – (Glares at Attendees for a moment) and start your presentation as soon as you’re ready.  (To Attendees) We’re losing precious minutes here, and if you keep up with the bellyaching you’re gonna lose out on the next break.

Attendees: Nooooooooo!!!!  Anything but that!

Event Coordinator: Well then, zip it!  (To Speaker) Please proceed.

Speaker: (Accepting the microphone from Event Coordinator) Thank you; I’ll let you know when to advance the slides.  (To Attendees as Event Coordinator sits in front of the computer) As I mentioned at the last session, please feel free to ask me questions at any time.  (Sees a hand shoot up toward the front of the room) Yes?

Attendee 6: (Lowers hand) Is this just going to basically repeat the same information from the last session?

Event Coordinator: Hey!

Speaker: …Not much.

Attendee 6: Knew it.

Attendee 2: (Seated at the end of a table next to Attendee 3, across the aisle from Attendee 6; addressing the latter) What do you care?  You get credit no matter what.

Attendee 6: Good point: nighty-night.  (Lays head down on the table and immediately falls asleep)

Event Coordinator: Anyone caught napping will not be given their credit certificates!

(Attendees groan again)

Attendee 6: (Immediately awakens and sits straight) I’m up!

Event Coordinator: Thank you.  (Gestures “Go ahead” to Speaker) Please continue.

Speaker: Thanks.  (Looks up at the slide currently displayed on the giant screen) Now, let’s start with a case review –

Attendee 7: (Briefly raises hand) Sorry to be “that guy”, but I can see already on the screen that the case is one we’ve all heard about a bajillion times before and nothing new can be said on the subject, ever.

Event Coordinator: (Points to Attendee 7) That’s enough out of you!

Speaker: (To Event Coordinator) It’s OK – (To Attendee 7) That’s fair, but I bet you haven’t seen this version before.  (To Event Coordinator) Next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) This one has video clips!

Attendee 7: We’ve seen those, too!

Speaker: Oh.  Then can you pretend you didn’t?

Attendee 7: No.

Event Coordinator: Well, you’re gonna have to!

Speaker: It’s all right; next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator grinds teeth and advances to the next slide; Attendees groan again) What now?!

Attendee 1: (Sitting on the other side of Attendee 3) One of the speakers this morning literally had the same exact slide.  I mean, font and everything.

Speaker: That’s impossible!

Attendee 1: I’d agree, yet here we are.

Speaker: All right, fine – next slide, please!  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) Anyone seen this one before, hm?!

Attendee 4: (Tentatively raises hand) Just at your presentation last year.

Speaker: Ah!

Event Coordinator: (Stands and points to Attendee 4) Traitor!

Attendee 4: (Also stands) Hey, what’s right is right!

Attendee 5: (Also stands) If the whole presentation is like this then I’m going downstairs to the casino, credit or no credit!

Attendee 7: (Also stands) Fie on that!  I want credit for time served!

Attendee 6: (Also stands) And I want credit for all the sleep I’m missing out on today!

Most Attendees: (Also stand) Aye-aye!

Event Coordinator: (Trembling with rage) This is mutiny!

Attendee 4: Darn tootin’!

(Attendees and Event Coordinator begin yelling incomprehensibly at each other and papers begin flying around the room)

Attendee 2: (Leans forward to rest head on hands as chaos reigns) Retirement can’t come soon enough.

Attendee 3: (Sees Attendee 2’s name tag has spun around) OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Attendee 2 looks up sharply at Attendee 3) This entire time I thought you two worked at my old job, but you’ve actually been at an entire different company and been entirely different people THIS ENTIRE TIME?!

Attendee 2: (Frozen) Ummmmm….

Attendee 1: (After a moment of panic, leans in from the other side of Attendee 3) Oh my goodness, this entire time we thought you had worked at our job!

Attendee 3: No way!

Attendee 1: No way!

Attendee 2: No way?

Attendee 3: This… is… AMAZING!

(Attendee 3 pulls Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 into a three-way hug as they sob in relief and joy while the commotion escalates all around them and a paper airplane lands on their table)

Event Coordinator: (Climbs on top of a table, grabbing the microphone that was dropped on the floor in the middle of everything) ENOUGH!  (Everyone else freezes) If you all knock it off now, I’ll ask the kitchen to bring out both the canapés and the mac-and-cheese that you demanded for our evening reception, all right?!  (The standing Attendees suddenly sit back down with a collective “Bang!”)  Good.  (Looks down and sees Speaker hiding under a table; holds out the microphone) Here ya go.  (Speaker shakily stands and takes back the microphone) Now: please resume your presentation at the point where you were so rudely interrupted.  (Primly sits back at the computer)

Speaker: Tha – ahem – thank you.  (Stares out at the Attendees, who stare back expectantly) Soooo… next slide?

Story 447: Our Only Eyewitness Is Just The Worst

(On a city street, crime scene tape encloses a block of chaos-aftermath; forensic technicians do their thing gathering evidence; and a lone ambulance is parked near a corner, non-emergently waiting.  An EMT sits with an uninjured Eyewitness on a curb and offers a blanket and water, both of which are declined with a slight shake of the head and a thousand-yard stare into space.  They still are sitting there when Detective arrives on the scene)

Detective: (Walks over to Sergeant, who has been taking notes) Well, this is a right mess.

Sergeant: I’ll say: it’ll take ages for the shopkeepers to get all their stuff back together, repaired, and/or replaced, and all that produce – (Gestures to fruit and vegetables strewn all over the street, clearly originating from several outside stands) is shot to Hades.

Detective: (<Tsks> at the ruined food) Disgusting.  Didn’t the alleged perp ever get taught there are starving people in… everywhere?

Sergeant: I don’t think that knowledge was foremost on the mind at the time of the event, Detective.

Detective: Yeah, suppose not.  (Sees Eyewitness, now gnawing on fingernails, and nods in that direction) That the eyewitness you mentioned?  The only one who was here to see anything at all?

Sergeant: (Flips back through the notebook) Yeah, uh, let’s see – (Holds it out for Detective to read) here’s what I could get so far; figured I’d leave the main questions to you.

Detective: (Scans through the notes) Huh.  Pretty boring background.  And you ran a check for any priors?

Sergeant: Zilch on that – pretty boring life, too.

Detective: Not even jaywalking, or a parking ticket?

Sergeant: Not even a driver’s license.  Barely found an entry confirming existence at all.

Detective: Whelp, it’ll be a nice change to interview a non-entity; as you were, then.

Sergeant: (Resumes note-taking as Detective walks to Eyewitness and EMT; the former bites nails harder as the latter stands)

Detective: (Takes out badge to show them both, then addresses EMT while putting it back) You can take a break.

EMT: Oh that’s OK, we don’t break during a call.

Detective: (Gives EMT a withering look) I’m trying to tell you in a nice way to go somewhere else for 10 minutes.

EMT: Gotcha.  (Pats Eyewitness on the shoulder and hops into the ambulance to do some paperwork)

Detective: (Turns back to Eyewitness and gives a tight smile) So!  I’m told you’re the only other one who was here and saw everything that happened.

Eyewitness: (Momentarily stops gnawing) …I’m the only other one who was here, yes.

Detective: Uh-huh – mind if I sit down?  (Gestures to the curb space next to Eyewitness)

Eyewitness: Yes?  I mean, no?  Or should I actually be standing?  I don’t know how these things work.

Detective: (Chuckles and sits on the dirty curb) It’s OK; if you were a suspect, we’d be having this conversation at the station, which we may anyway if we have more questions later.  (Eyewitness’s eyes widen) So, let’s just go back through your day that led you here, and take it from there.

Eyewitness: (Finally stops biting nails) OK, sure, I can do that!  Well, I woke up this morning, completely exhausted because I’d had all these vivid dreams, which I normally have but these were worse for some reason, maybe it was all that pizza I had last night, but in these I was in a movie theater and someone sitting right in front of me was blocking my view even though the rest of the seats were all empty, why do people always sit right by you when there are plenty of other places they can go –

Detective: You can skip all that.

Eyewitness: Oh, right.  So, I woke up, but I lay there for a few minutes listening to the radio because I wasn’t ready to get up –

Detective: Skip that too, please – focus on what led you to this block today, at this time.

Eyewitness: Oh.  Well, I was walking.

Detective: …And?

Eyewitness: Thinking.

Detective: (Lightly grinds teeth) Did you see, or hear, or otherwise sense anything unusual before the alleged perpetrator did all – (Waves arms around to indicate the mess) this?

Eyewitness: No.

Detective: OK, so what was the first thing you saw when the event began?

Eyewitness: (Points around the block) This.

Detective: (Takes a deep breath) I mean, what did you see when the alleged perp allegedly began smashing windows and ruining perfectly good produce?!

Eyewitness: Oh.  Nothing.

Detective: What?!

Eyewitness: The street was surprisingly empty.

Detective: Yeah, that’s another thing: this whole block was evacuated not even an hour earlier because somebody called in a gas leak – we’re thinking it’s the alleged perp so the destruction could commence unimpeded – yet you were here when the smashing and such happened?

Eyewitness: Yep.

Detective: But the block was blocked off!

Eyewitness: It was?

Detective:  Yes!  (Points to both ends of the street) Those roadblocks were already here before anything actually happened!

Eyewitness: (Looks at both ends) Huh.  Must have missed them.

Detective: And the cops also blocking the block?!

Eyewitness: Must have missed them, too.

Detective: All right, all right: you’re walking along your merry way, not a care in the world –

Eyewitness: Actually there’s this one project at work that’s been bothering me a lot lately –

Detective: Not a care in the world, and then you suddenly see someone swinging a bat or you suddenly hear the sound of crashing windows, yes?

Eyewitness: Uh, no.

Detective: Whaddya mean, “No”?!  Street cameras showed you were right here the whole time this was happening!

Eyewitness: (Winces) Yeah, I was thinking over what my boss had said to me about my job being on the line if I don’t do this project right, and when I went to cross at the corner up there people on the avenue were pointing and yelling at the street behind me, and that’s when I saw – (Gestures at the mess) this.

Detective: (Stares at Eyewitness) So you’re telling me, you walked through an entire scene of wanton destruction as it was occurring in real time, and you didn’t even notice?!

Eyewitness: I guess, if that’s what the cameras showed.  I don’t notice a lot in life, to be honest.

Detective: (Rubs temples) Unbelievable.  Our only eyewitness for our only suspect, and you can’t even attest to anything actually having happened, let alone give a positive ID.

Eyewitness: What about the cameras, can’t you just use them?

Detective: You ever see the audiovisual quality from one of those things?!  Rubbish!  Although at this point, I’m half-wishing we had ones smart enough to replace distracted humans like you!

Eyewitness: True – at least until someone reprograms them to be evil or they gain sentience and rightfully wipe us all out for our hubris.

Detective: Absolutely useless – you can go.  (Dismissively waves the latter off)

Eyewitness: (Jumps up off the curb) Great!  For a few minutes there I thought my life as I knew it was over!  See ya.  (Starts to walk away; a dog who had been sitting patiently nearby walks over to Eyewitness, rubs against a leg, and softly whines) Huh?  (Sees the dog and bends down to rub their ears) Hey, little buddy, have you been sitting there this whole time?  (Takes a leash out of a coat pocket, attaches it to the dog’s harness, and both trot off) Knew I was forgetting something when I left this morning.

Detective: (Staring after the two figures as they turn the corner) Un.  Freaking.  Believable.

Story 374: The Friend Who Came to Dinner….

 (In Hour 4 of a dinner with friends, Hosts 1 and 2’s eyes glaze over as their guest continues to sit across from them at the dining room table and shows no indication of leaving)

Friend: (Pouring another glass of soda) I don’t know about you two, but I personally think this year is gonna be just as bad as the last one, if not worse.

Host 1: (Stirs slightly out of a partial doze) Hm, what?

Friend: (Gulps down half a glass) Uh-huh.  And if you really think about it, every year on this planet since its very creation has been the worst: volcanoes, ice ages, earthquakes, disease, the great dinosaur wipe-out, the very chemical make-up of the atmosphere changing over and over again, and then we show up, in all our misery, and decide it’s not enough to make each other miserable, let’s bring all Earth’s species and the planet itself in on the fun while we’re at it!

Host 2: Oh, I don’t know about that –

Friend: (Finishes off the glass and slams it onto the table in emphasis; Hosts 1 and 2 jump slightly in their seats) I do know!  And the generations and generations of people trapped in poverty, abuse, despair, bigotry, war, crime, etc. ad infinitum, nine times out of 10 because of the mere fact they were born into this horror show called Life and their surroundings messed them over right out of the starting gate, makes me wish more and more every day that the whole set of shenanigans never even started in the first place.  (Begins nibbling on fennel)

Host 1: (Reluctant to continue the conversation) Is… there someone you want to talk to about all this?

Friend: (In mid-bite) I’m talking to you, aren’t I?  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…. (Trails off giggling into the fennel)

Host 2: (Stretches around the back of the chair in order to see the clock in the living room) Oh my, didn’t realize it got so late, maybe it’s time you – (Is cut off by noises of a crowd outside running down the street)

Host 1: (Stands) What’s all that?

Friend: (Still holding the fennel) Humanity standing up for justice, possibly sprinkled with a few who ruin the whole thing for everybody?

(Host 1 goes to open the front door while Host 2 hangs back at the table)

Host 2: Sure that’s wise?

Host 1: Rather see what’s up instead of waiting to find out as something crashes through the window.

Friend: (Points the fennel at Host 1) My thoughts exactly.

(Host 1 opens the door to see a screaming crowd running away from a dragon shooting flames at them all the way down the block.  Host 1 swiftly closes and locks the door and turns around to block it as the house slightly shakes with impact tremors)

Host 1: We didn’t serve alcohol tonight, right?  (Host 2 and Friend shake their heads)

Friend: Well, guess this means we should hole up here for the night and keep constant vigil – I volunteer for third shift.

Host 2: No, this means we need to get out of here now before that thing gets us!

Host 1: (Looks out the front window) It seems to have passed us by.

Friend: Good, we hole up here, then.  (Grabs a nutcracker and goes to work on a bowl of walnuts)

Host 2: (Stares agitatedly at Friend, then joins Host 1 at the door) But my show’s coming on soon!

Host 1: (Stares incredulously at Host 2) There’s a little bit more going on at the moment!

Friend: You two don’t mind me; I’ll can keep busy while you go fight the dragon.  (CRACK)

Host 2: I am not fighting a dragon!

Friend: (Chewing) Good point: dragon’s just doing as dragons do, not its fault we’re its natural prey.  Let `em eat us all; I say good riddance to the lot.

Host 2: Arggggghhhhhhh!!!!

Host 1: You two – (A resounding crash is heard from down the street) Now what?!  (Grabs a baseball bat, unlocks the door, and heads out; Host 2 grabs a butter knife from the dining room table and heads out; Friend grabs another piece of fennel and heads out.  The three run into the street and see a screaming crowd from a different direction running away from a spaceship that had crashed onto the middle of the boulevard.  Two figures emerge from the top hatch)

Alien 1: (To Alien 2, broadcasting telepathically) You see?!  I told you we wanted the fourth planet from the star, not the third!

Alien 2: You said land on the blue and green one.

Alien 1: I said not to land on the blue and green one!  (Gestures to the haphazard screaming runners) Now look where you dropped us!  Right in the middle of these planet-ruiners!  You’d better get us out of here soon before we get sucked into their chaos!  (A passerby runs a hand lovingly over the ship; Alien 1 bats the hand away; to Alien 2) LAUNCH!

Alien 2: Don’t have to tell me twice – at least the red one’s nice and quiet.  (They close the hatch, power up the ship, and take off just before a solar flare streams through the night sky, sending a shock wave that knocks out electricity everywhere.  The screaming crowd now runs in all directions; Host 2 sinks down to the ground and rocks slowly while holding their head; and Host 1 defensively holds up the bat while scanning the area)

Friend: (Starts nibbling on the fennel) So – mind if I put on the coffee for dessert?