Story 605: The Hunt for Halloween Retail

             (In a warehouse store, Customer 1 intensely searches through the Halloween displays, going up and down the many aisles with an increasingly furrowed brow)

Customer 1: (Muttering) No – (Another aisle) That’s not it – (Another aisle) Not there – (Another aisle) No – no – no – no –

Employee 1: (Pauses after adding extra broomsticks to a bin at the end of the last aisle as Customer 1 is about to WHOOSH! by) Dooooo you need help finding anything?

Customer 1: (Whirls on Employee 1) Yes: you may regret you asked –

Employee 1: I already do, but go ahead.

Customer 1: I’m looking for something extremely specific, and the company’s site said this was the only store in 700 miles that had it, which is the only reason I left the house today.  (Holds up a phone displaying the incriminating evidence of “In Stock: 2”) It’s the FrankenWolfWitch Door Hanger, and I irrationally MUST HAVE IT.

Employee 1: (Peers closer at the display and grumbles) Traitor online inventory tracking.

Customer 1: I sympathize, but knowledge gained can’t be unlearned or something like that, so how about it?

Employee 1: (Starts typing on a handheld device) Yeah, it’s just that all our Halloween inventory should be out by now, so if you didn’t see it on any of the shelves then it’s Somewhere Else, which never ends well.  (Reads the results) OK, it’s supposed to be in Aisle 17, Bay 6, Shelf 3 – let’s go find out.

Customer 1: By all means: lead the way!                                  

(They arrive at Aisle 17, Bay 6, Shelf 3 and are greeted by a sign for the item with a giant empty space below that)

Customer 1: Figures.

Employee 1: (Attaches the device back onto a utility belt) OK, time for Phase 2.  (Crouches down and pulls out a large drawer full of overstock at the bottom of the bay)

Customer 1: Ooh, mysterious.

Employee 1: (Starts tossing out items backward over shoulders; Customer 1 dodges and ducks) Nope – not it – not even close – how’d this get in here?  (Tosses back a Santa Claus pillow)

Customer 1: (Catching the pillow and holding it close) Maybe it’s kept in the back, or it got put in the wrong spot?  I think it’d be too big for that drawer.

Employee 1: (Turns and stares balefully at Customer 1 for several seconds) You’re absolutely right.  (Stands, kicks the drawer shut, ignores the items now lying all over the floor, leaves the aisle, goes to a nearby back wall, and pulls on it to reveal racks with even more overstock in a darkened space)

Customer 1: (Follows to the edge of the open wall, still holding the pillow) I feel like I’m not supposed to be seeing this.

Employee 1: (Rummaging deeper into the overstock) You’re technically not, but I don’t really care at this point.  (Gets pulled deeper into the abyss) C’mon out, you little dweeb….

Supervisor: (Starts to pass by, backtracks to stare into the gaping hole in the wall, then turns to Customer 1) Dooooo you need help finding anything?

Customer 1: (Flinches as a large item crashes inside) I’m being helped, thank you.

Employee 1: (Stumbles out of the wall; to Supervisor) Yes!  Yes, you can help – we’re looking for FrankenWolfWitch!

Supervisor: Sorry, the what?

Customer 1 and Employee 1: (Holding up their devices) Here.

Supervisor: (Quickly glances at both) Oh, that.  Did you check the overstock drawer?

Employee 1: But of course!

Supervisor: OK, maybe it’s up top, then.

Customer 1: Up… top?  (Supervisor and Employee 1 point to the very tops of the towering shelves; Customer 1 stares up for a few moments, then turns back to both) You know, I don’t really need –

Employee 1: (Pulling on heavy-duty work gloves as Supervisor makes a call) Oh no: computer says it’s in stock, and by golly, we are tracking it down if it’s the last thing we do!  Before closing tonight.

Customer 1: Honestly, you’ve gone through more than enough trouble, I can just order it online –

Employee 1: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

(An enormous forklift turns a corner and slowly motors over to the group)

Manager: (Wearing a hard hat, drives the forklift to a stop by the aisle of Halloween shelves originally searched) You rang?

Employee 1: Yes, thank you!   (Grabs a hard hat being held out by Manager, hops onto the forks, and points to the top of the shelves) Take me up!  (Is lifted extremely high into the air)

Customer 1: (Holding the Santa Claus pillow tightly while watching Employee 1) This seems a bit dangerous….

Manager: (Monitoring the progress of Employee 1’s ascent) Nah, everyone here loves this stuff; breaks up the shift.  What’re you folks looking for, anyway?

Customer 1 and Supervisor: (Heads tilting back farther and farther) FrankenWolfWitch.

Manager: (Head also tilts back farther and farther) Heh, you don’t know how many times I’ve written corporate and the manufacturer to change the name of that thing – Frankenstein was the name of the scientist, not the creature, but nobody wants to hear it.

Customer 1: Well, “Creature” is too generic and people probably wouldn’t know which one it meant.

Supervisor: Yeah, and “FrankenCreatureWolfWitch” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

Manager: I know, I know; still.  It bothers me.

(Manager stops the ascending forks for Employee 1 to step off those and onto the top of the shelf)

Customer 2: (Passing by with a shopping cart full of items and rowdy children, and glancing up at Employee 1 for a moment; to Customer 1, while leaving) Whatever it is, it isn’t worth it.

Customer 1: I’m starting to feel that way, but they’ve all put in so much effort already.

Employee 2: (Comes over to look up at Employee 1; addresses Supervisor while neither one looks away from the search above) Does this mean we all have to stay late tonight?

Supervisor: Probably.

Employee 2: Drat.  (Cups mouth to shout up at Employee 1) You can do it!  We believe in you!

Employee 1: (Faintly from above) Thank you!

(Other customers and employees join the crowd to watch)

Customer 3: (To Manager) Hey, since you have that thing out, could you grab the last pack of paper towels at the top of the shelf at the front of the store?

Manager: (Not looking away from Employee 1) Not right now, I’m spotting my team member.

Customer 3: Oh.  OK.  (While walking away) Probably could make that climb, I’m still fit….

Manager: (Takes out a megaphone and points it upward to speak) How’s it going up there?

Employee 1: Any… minute… now….

Customer 4: (Shouts up from the back of the crowd) Could you also toss down another scarecrow if you see it, please?  The ones down here are all messed up!  (Several seconds later, a scarecrow soars off the top of the shelf and floats down into Customer 4’s arms) Thank – you!  (Tosses it into a shopping cart and rushes away)

Manager: (On the megaphone again) Need me to bring you over to another aisle?

Employee 1: I don’t think – wait – wait – I GOT IT!  (Holds up FrankenWolfWitch in triumph as the crowd below cheers and applauds)

Customer 1: (Clapping around the pillow, blinking around tears) It’s a Halloween miracle!

(Employee 1 hops onto the forks and holds on with one hand while being lowered back down to ground level by Manager)

Employee 1: (Hops off the forks to cheers, applause, and approving whistles, and formally presents the FrankenWolfWitch Door Hanger to Customer 1) As requested.

Customer 1: (Tosses the pillow to another customer, who puts it into their own shopping cart, and hugs the door hanger) Oh, thank you, thank you!  You’ve truly gone above and beyond!

Employee 1: (Bows to the crowd) All in a day’s work, my good people!

Manager: (Exits the forklift; to the crowd) Yes, yes, I train all our team members personally.

Supervisor: (Looking down at a handheld device; back up to Employee 1) Hey, so, where’s the other one?

(A sudden silence descends upon the crowd)

Employee 1: …What?

Supervisor: It says “In Stock: 2”, so where’s the other one?

Employee 1: ….

Supervisor: ….

Manager: ….

Customers: ….

Employee 1: …The store ghost must’ve taken it.

Crowd: (In understanding) Ahhhhh….

Customer 1: (Shakes head) Typical.

Story 578: Last-Minute Gift Shopping

             (On a Sunday afternoon, Friend 1 stops alongside the living room couch, does a slight leap, and collapses onto it)

 Friend 1: (Closes eyes and full-body stretches) Ahhhhhh…. A day off from work, nothing to do, nowhere to be…. (Slowly re-opens eyes) Am I that boring?

(Cell phone vibrates with a received message; Friend 1 opens the phone and reads)

Message: COME CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS AND FAM!  IT’S NOT A MILESTONE I JUST WANT TO PAR-TAY WOOOOOOOO!!!!  MAIN STREET BANQUET HALL, MARCH 30, SIX PM UNTIL WHENEVER THEY KICK US OUT, BE THERE OR LIVE WITH THE ETERNAL REGRET LOSERS AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  RSVP BY TOMORROW, YOU ALREADY KNOW BY NOW IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS SO DON’T WASTE MY TIME!  AND BRING A GUEST!  BRING TWO GUESTS!  BRING ALL THE OK MOM I KNOW THE HALL ONLY HOLDS A SET AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BUT I WANT THIS SHINDIG TO BE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’!  SO YOU ALL BETTER SHOW UP WHEEEEE!!!!  YES MOTHER YOU ARE THE ONE PAYING FOR ALL THIS BUT IT’S STILL MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO INVITE THE WHOLE TOWN THEN BY THUNDER I’LL (Sent by voice-to-text feature)

Friend 1: Huh.  A birthday party.  Haven’t done one of those since… (Thinks back to grade school) a certain amount of time.  Eh, why not?  (Types response) “Thanks 4 the invite will be there w/guest C U then.”

Message: COOL BRING YOUR DANCING SHOES CAUSE I WANT THAT FLOOR ON FIRE!!!!!   PARTY ANIMAL OUT!

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Calls Friend 2) Hey-hey, doing anything on March 30?

Friend 2: (Paused while running on a park trail to take the call) Oh, you got the invite too?

Friend 1: The birthday party extravaganza?  Yeah – I guess the whole town really was invited.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  It’s a Sunday and nothing else is going on so I said I’d come with a guest.  Wanna come with me and I’ll drive us there?

Friend 1: But I already said I’d come with a guest and I was gonna ask you!

Friend 2: All right, so we’re going together then.

Friend 1: But we each said we’d bring a guest so now we gotta find two extra people to come with us!

Friend 2: No we don’t; we just write back saying never mind on the guests, we’re going together.

Friend 1: But that’s so embarrassing!

Friend 2: Seriously?  Hold on.  (Types and sends a message)  There.  All cleared up in less than a minute, you weirdo.

Friend 1: `K.  Thanks.  Sorry.

Friend 2: So, what were you thinking for a gift?

Friend 1: …Gift?

Friend 2: Yes.  It is a birthday party.

Friend 1: A little presumptuous to invite an entire town and then expect us all to fork over a contribution, don’t you think?  A party’s nothing without guests, so our presence should be sufficient presents, heh-heh.

Friend 2: Whatever; you’ve got over a month so I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And if all else fails: gift card.

Friend 1: (Sighs dramatically) Oh, the etiquette burdens we place on ourselves when this is supposed to be a fun time.

Friend 2: I know, the trials you endure – I’m going back to my run, bye.  (Ends the call and continues with the run)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone onto the couch, leans back, and closes eyes again) I refuse to let this ruin my lazy day.  We’ve got over a month?  Plenty of time…. (Dozes off)

MARCH 29

(Friend 2 is enjoying a pancake breakfast at home when the phone rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while reading the newspaper) Hi!  What’s up?

Friend 1: (A constant din of stressed people is in the background) You know when you have a looming deadline that you keep pushing off and pushing off because you have plenty of time, and then, suddenly, you don’t?

Friend 2: (Stops reading) Where are you?

Friend 1: (Surrounded by frantic shoppers in a warehouse store) Lost in the middle of Ultra Value Super Save Mart.  Now I remember why I don’t come here on Saturdays.  Or ever.

Friend 2: Are you telling me that you had all this time and you still haven’t gotten a gift for the party tomorrow?!

Friend 1: …Not in so many words.

Friend 2: Unbelievable!  You had more than a month!

Friend 1: Oh, and I suppose you went out and picked up a gift the day we got the invite, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Traitor.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not responsible for your lack of planning in… everything, but I’m going to be extremely generous and let you come in on it if you want.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I can’t do that; we got separate invites, I’d look like a total freeloader!

Friend 2: I don’t think anyone would notice, or care.

Friend 1: Of course they would, they all would!  I could never show my face in this town again!

Friend 2: Hardly anyone even knows anyone else in this town anymore.

Friend 1: They’d know this!  Oh, the shame of it all, the shame!

Friend 2: (Rubs temple with free hand) I think you’re going to give me a migraine if I keep listening to this – you want me to come over there and help you pick out something?

Friend 1: (Immediately calms down) Yes.

Friend 2: Give me half an hour.  And thanks for ruining my Saturday.  (Ends the call and finishes breakfast disgruntledly)

Friend 1: (Pockets the cell phone and returns to staring morosely at a display of bath towels) Apparently, it’s what I do….

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Friend 2: (Finds Friend 1 staring morosely at a display of bath mats, surrounded by shoppers continuously hustling and bustling) All right.  I’m here.  Any progress?

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2 with glazed eyes) I progressed from never wanting to have kids to never wanting to be around humans ever again.

Friend 2: That’s not news – any ideas for gifts yet?

Friend 1: Possibly: you think I could get away with sticking a bow on a kitchen trash can?

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 for a few moments) …No.

Friend 1: Then no.  (Turns back to the bath mats, barely flinching when an infant starts a new crying chain with the others throughout the entire store)

Friend 2: OK, how about a home spa kit or something?

Friend 1: (Turns back to Friend 2) Is that what you got?

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: Wouldn’t I be the little copycat, then.

Friend 2: Who cares?!  Get a gift receipt and it can be returned if there are duplicates; your job is done at that point!

Friend 1: If I cared that little about my self-worth, we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we?

Friend 2: You wouldn’t be in this situation, you mean.

Friend 1: Correct.

Friend 2: (Takes a calming breath) All right, instead of the full-out home spa, how about just a foot spa?

Friend 1: Ew.

Friend 2: Hat-gloves-scarf?

Friend 1: Don’t know the size or taste.  And winter’s shockingly almost over.

Friend 2: Carryall bag?

Friend 1: From what I remember, I doubt the guest of honor leaves the house much.

Friend 2: (Shrugs shoulders in exasperation) I don’t know; a first aid kit?!

Friend 1: (Looks up briefly to think on this) Hmmmm….

Friend 2: No, don’t seriously consider that one; you’re driving me nuts, you know that?!

Friend 1: Can’t be helped, unfortunately.

Friend 2: I’m going to say it again, then: gift.  Card.

Friend 1: (Lowers head) At last, I must admit defeat.  Lead on.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They make their way to the front of the store and find gift card displays)

Friend 2: (Gestures to a very large display filled with many companies’ cards) There you go: pick one.

Friend 1: (Reaches out to a card, then pulls back) No, don’t want to limit to one restaurant.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes ice cream cakes.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes clothes.

Friend 2: Arrrggghhhh!!!  (Grabs a generic credit card company gift card and slaps it onto Friend 1’s open hand) Here!  Now go pay for it and get us out of this place.

Friend 1: (Staring at the card, agog) But there’s an activation fee!

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1 by the coat collar and drags the latter to the cash register lines) I’ll pay the extra fee just to end this!

MARCH 30

(Friend 2 pulls into a parking spot at the banquet hall with Friend 1 in the passenger seat; loud music and sounds of revelers are heard pouring out the front door)

Friend 2: (As they both unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the car while holding their gifts) Well, I’m glad your ordeal is over and we can just enjoy ourselves now that the party’s finally here.

Friend 1: Yeah – let’s see if I’ve still got all my dance moves in me.

Friend 2: I’m almost afraid to find out.

(Inside the banquet hall, the whole town is eating, drinking, talking, dancing, and/or hiding in a corner; Friend 1 and Friend 2 find the Guest of Honor standing by the DJ station and zoom over there)

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Hi!  Happy Birthday!  (They simultaneously hold out their gifts)

Guest of Honor: (Turns and sees them) Oh hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  (Hugs them both fiercely as they hold the items out of the way) This is the best birthday ever, oooooooh!  (One last squeeze)

Friend 1: (As all three separate, holds out the gift again) Great-great; here-here.

Guest of Honor: Oh, you’re so sweet!  I feel bad telling everybody this: Mom wanted me to say “No Gifts” when I sent out the invite since she said everyone being here was enough or something like that, and I totally was going to but when I was finally doing the message I completely forgot to include that part, and now everybody’s coming in with gifts so I’m just telling them to please keep them for yourselves, they’re my “Thank You” for being here!  She’s putting up a banner now to let the rest know as they come in, at least.  (Gestures to a woman on a tall ladder attaching a banner overhead that reads “NO GIFTS!!!!!”; the woman glares at Guest of Honor and shakes her head; Guest of Honor waves at her) Love you!  (Back to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Anyway – so sweet of you.  (Briefly looks toward the front entrance) Oh, there’s more of the family – gotta run!  Make sure to have lots of crackers; we ordered way too many.  (Runs off to greet the new arrivals)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 still are staring at the space Guest of Honor had occupied)

Friend 1: (After a few moments) Soooo… never speak of this again?

Friend 2: That would be best.

Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Story 483: Walking Into a Changed Store

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll along the sidewalk of a strip mall)

Friend 1: You in the mood for pizza today, or sushi?

Friend 2: You know, I’m actually in the mood for Tex-Mex.

Friend 1: …So one of us isn’t going to be happy at lunch.  (Gasps loudly and stops walking, staring at a storefront slightly ahead of the pair)

Friend 2: What, you suddenly remember you’re allergic to cilantro or something?

Friend 1: No, I’ve moved on from The Lunch Dilemma; would you look at that?!  (Points to the storefront)

Friend 2: (Peers at the sign) Oh, yeah, guess it’s still in business; I thought it closed decades ago.

Friend 1: Which means it’s been that long since I last went there and now we must go inside!  (Makes a beeline for the entrance)

Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Whoa, wait a minute, I thought we were going to eat now?  We’ve reached my five-department-store limit and I’m done with shopping for the rest of the year.

Friend 1: (Sputters) This – this – isn’t – shopping!  Don’t you remember coming here at all when we were kids?!  This is an experience!

Friend 2: (Squints while trying to remember, then shakes head in the negative) Nah, all I remember is waiting around for hours while everyone else wandered off doing whatever.

Friend 1: Ah!  You poor, deprived child.  (Guides Friend 2 to the entrance) This store has literally everything; you can spend days – nay, weeks – soaking up the wonders and not have to spend a single cent.

Friend 2: If you say so.

Friend 1: I do – the video arcade alone was a dream.  And you could actually live for real in the housewares section: don’t you remember the camping party we did here?

Friend 2: Whaaaaaat?

Friend 1: Maybe that was just me.  Anyway, you’ll see how great it all is, exactly the way I – (They enter the store and are faced with rows and rows of identical shelves; vaulted, empty walls and ceilings; and an employee vacuuming the one piece of carpet at the entrance) remember.

Friend 2: (Takes in the shoppers sprinkled throughout the store, listlessly browsing the aisles) Yep: looks like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Hm.  (Backs out of the front door to look at the storefront again, then re-enters) Definitely the same name.

Friend 2: I think you either inflated this place enormously in your mind, or it’s gone the downsize-to-survive route – like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Nonsense.  (Addresses the vacuuming employee, who turns off the machine) Excuse me, where’s the arcade?

Employee: Sorry?

Friend 1: The live-in house?  The live-in restaurant?  The water park?

Employee: I… think those were all before my time here.  (Hands Friend 1 a pamphlet) Would you be interested in signing up for our credit card?  You get an extra 15% off all purchases here for life.

Friend 1: (Stares at the pamphlet in disgust, then hands it back gently) No thank you, child.  (Abruptly walks down a center aisle with Friend 2 trotting to catch up)

Employee: (In a small voice) But I’m in college….

Friend 1: (Picking up random items from the shelves and then restrainedly slamming them back down angrily while muttering) Knickknacks – (Slam) Gewgaws – (Slam) Doodads – (Slam) Tchotchkes – (Slam) Pencils?!

Friend 2: Seems like some useful stuff – (Spots an item on a bottom shelf) ooh, I do need a new sink strainer –

Friend 1: Don’t you dare!  (Friend 2 freezes while picking up the item) I will not feed into this shapeshifting place’s nefarious plot to destroy the wonder that was this magical haven!

Friend 2: Destroy your childhood, you mean.

Friend 1: What?  (Laughs awkwardly and mirthlessly) Nooooo….

Friend 2: You’re just upset that some fixture of your youth that had seemed permanent and where you’d had a good time has completely changed with the years and you can never go back to the way it used to be.  It sounds like it had way too much stuff and was losing money, so it had to adapt or liquidate.

Friend 1: But to adapt to – to – (Grabs an item off the shelf) keychains?!  The indignity of it all!

Friend 2: Hey, people always need keychains.

Friend 1: I don’t!  (Slams it back on the shelf)

Manager: (Approaches in a calming manner) Hello, do you need help with anything here today?

Friend 1: Why yes, thank you: I would like to know when and why everyone here chose to betray their fantabulous origins and become a sellout?!

Friend 2: (Turns away to mutter) Oy.

Manager: Ah, you’re one of those nostalgia kids who used to tear through the place like a tornado with your antics 20 years ago and haven’t been here a day since then, eh?

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open, then closes with clenched teeth) Twenty-five years.

Manager: Yeah, I’m a lifer: corporate restructured, and business has been booming ever since.  I’m just happy I only have to babysit the shoplifters now instead of the actual babies.  (Points to a nearby shopper who is trying to stealthily pocket a candy bar) DOWN!  (The bar is dropped in terror and the almost-perpetrator flees)  Definitely a relief.

Friend 1: Well, I must say, the complete erasure of Toddler Toyland and Accordion Emporium and Go-Kart A-Go-Go –

Manager: Don’t forget Food World Around the World; how I hated that mess.

Friend 1: – greatly detracts from the magnificent Company That Once Was, and Will Never Be Again.

Manager: Whatever you say: we’re making more money now than we ever did back when we had all that chaos, with a tenth of the overhead expense.

Friend 1: (Biting lips to keep from boiling over) So: I have said my piece, and on that note – (Grabs an item from a shelf) I will be purchasing this correction tape dispenser that I can’t find anywhere else and be on my way, never to return.

Manager: Fine by us – have a nice day!  (Walks to the breakroom that can actually be used now)

Friend 2: (As the two wait on the swiftly moving cash register line; nods at the soon-to-be purchase) Not a total loss, then.

Friend 1: Easy for you to say: your world hasn’t been entirely upheaved.

Friend 2: Oh please, it’s only a store.

Friend 1: I know it’s only a store, it’s just – (Stares sharply at the empty space next to the end of the cash register counter) just –

Friend 2: What, you still miss the ambience and joy it brought your lost youth?

Friend 1: (Still staring at the empty space) No, it’s just that – there used to be an actual castle door right there, and the massive void left behind is freaking me out.

Story 404: A Midsummer Night’s Autumn

 In the 95°F late August weather, The Employee clocks out of work at 5:00 p.m. and transforms into The Commuter, soon to become The Shopper – there is always some kind of work to be done.

The bus’s air conditioning does battle with the extreme heat and humidity during the ride through the city; the passengers melt off at each stop, the driver nearly joining them every time.

The sun has been setting a minute earlier each day; at night, the heat remains.

The Commuter evaporates into The Shopper while exiting the bus and floats into a department store; the sweat immediately turns to icicles and The Shopper condenses as the overpowered air conditioning blasts the entire building.  The Shopper’s internal thermodynamics are thrown in a state of array and run off screaming.

The Shopper is likewise befuddled: “Is this Halloween?”

The entire store is decorated in various shades of orange, brown, and black; fake falling leaves are everywhere; possibly-fake cobwebs are strung amongst displays.

The Shopper plunges through a pile of football season paraphernalia to grab a shopping cart, and the trek through the store begins.

One item needed is a replacement beach umbrella, which is tucked away in Summer Clearance: “But I’m going there this weekend!  The lifeguards are still on duty!  Why is all the beach stuff shoved out of the season?!”

At the end of an aisle is a few sunscreen bottles; as The Shopper reaches for one, a motion sensor is tripped and a cackling witch flashes its LED eyes at passers-by.  The Shopper jumps only slightly: “Oh, dear.”

Ghosts and goblins line the walls and shelves, and the constant breeze stirs up the haphazardly strewn leaves and strategically strewn hay bales.

At the store’s café, The Shopper stands on line to buy a lemonade.  The frazzled barista finishes the three-course-meal order of the previous customer and turns to The Shopper: “Hello, would you like to try our pumpkin spice coffee, our pumpkin spice scone, and/or our pumpkin spice pumpkin?”

“…Not today, thank you.”

Sipping the lemonade, The Shopper wanders into the holiday section of the store, which has been converted into a haunted house.

“Beware of midnight, bwahahahaha!!!!” an employee dressed as a werewolf at the house’s entrance greets The Shopper.

The latter checks a watch: “But it’s only 7:00.”

The werewolf’s snarling face stares blankly at The Shopper, who continues on to the candy aisle haunted by products not really needed for another two months: “Ooh, sea salt caramels, yoink!”  Into the cart they go.

The ceiling speakers burst into spooky music at random intervals to announce discounts for the fall; as The Shopper enters one aisle covered in school supplies, the banners strung all over the place and the speakers both scream: “Back to School Sale!”

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!”

“You’re telling me,” a child says to The Shopper while being forcefully guided into the aisle by their parent.

Shopping completed, The Shopper transforms once more into The Commuter as the journey home begins.  The sky darkens as night approaches; the temperature is now 88°F; and the sweat resumes its previous activity as the wait for a new bus commences.

The Commuter looks forward to one last day at the beach, filled with sand, surf, and people just everywhere, and a book to read in front of the crashing waves after making the inconvenient trip all the way out there.  While boarding the steaming bus whose air conditioning had surrendered in defeat, The Commuter sees a ginormous sign stretched over the street ahead:

COME SEE OUR THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE NOVEMBER 25!!!

Story 393: Canning for Building Character

 (In the mid-afternoon, the high school Italian Club members meet in an empty classroom)

Advisor: Right: we’re all set for our museum and theater trip next month, so this Saturday is when you start canning outside the supermarket to raise money for your cultural development – make sure you’re either there on time or switch shifts with someone before that day, OK?  (The students nod) OK, have a good rest-of-the-afternoon with whatever homework or sports or other time-fillers you have, ciaaaaooooo!  (The students gather their belongings and gradually leave)

Student: (To Advisor) Um, actually, I was wondering if I could skip this Saturday.  And all the Saturdays, for that matter.  (Advisor stares at Student) Standing around for hours asking total strangers for money they can’t spare really isn’t my thing, you know?

Advisor: (Stares some more) You’re the Club President!

Student: A political maneuver I’ve regretted ever since.

 THIS SATURDAY

(Student stands outside the supermarket entrance, information table on the side to lean on, and can in hand)

Student: (Watches shoppers going into and out of the store, does not make a move) Yeah, they’re busy.

Shopper 1: (Pushing a full shopping cart while exiting the store, sees Student, sighs, and takes out a wallet) All right, what is it this time, Trap and Release Feral Fish?

Student: Italian Club.

Shopper: (Shoves a few bills into the can) Good luck gettin’ to Italy this way, kid.  (Leaves)

Student: (Stares down at the can) Ah, Italia….

Shopper 2: (Sees Student on the way into the store and stops) Listen, word of advice: you gotta get in people’s space with this thing, you know?  You gotta hustle, you gotta work for it, or else no one’s gonna give you squat!

Student: Huh?

Shopper 2: Shove that can in everyone’s face!  Demand that they give you money!  Don’t let them pass by without dropping at least $50 into the pot!  Follow them into the store!  Follow them to their car!  Don’t take “No” for an answer!  Make them fear your wrath if they don’t –

Shopper 3: (Pushing a shopping cart from the parking lot to the store entrance) Honey, what did I tell you about bothering strangers?  (Grabs the 8-year-old’s hand and continues to the store entrance; to Student) Sorry about that; we got a talker here.

Student: No worries.

(A store employee exits the building for a cigarette break)

Employee: (Glances at the information table and can) That’s rough.  I used to have do that for Scouts.  How I loathed it.

Student: You usually get a lot of donations when you did this?

Employee: (Shrugs while blowing smoke away from the table and store entrance) Depended on the day, the time, the crowds.  After a few rounds of standing here for eons, bored out of my gourd, one day I just stuck 20 singles in the can and spent the hour reading in the magazine aisle.  (Thinks for a bit) That might’ve been how I got hired here.

Shopper 4: (Walking to the store from the parking lot; to Student) Excuse me?

Student: (Holds out the can) Hi, yeah, wanna donate to enrich young adults’ minds?

Shopper 4: Actually, I was wondering if you could break a hundred?  (Waves a $100 bill)

Student: …I’m not allowed to open this.

Shopper 4: That’s OK, I’ll do it!  (Reaches for the can)

Employee: That better not be another fake hundred you’re trying to pass off here – we have your picture on the bulletin board.

Shopper 4: (Freezes) Well, to tell the truth – (Runs back to the parking lot)

Employee: (Tosses the cigarette into a receptacle; to Student) That one’s a regular nuisance – let the manager know if something like that happens again, m’kay?

Student: Sure, thanks.

Employee: No problem.  Good luck with this – (Nods at the table and can) I’ve gotta get back to the wonderful world of fondled produce.  (Re-enters the store)

Student: (Stares after Employee, then back at the table) Did I just see my future?

Shopper 5: (Pushes a shopping cart into the store without looking at Student) Don’t talk to me.

Student: (After Shopper 5 enters the store) Kind of wish they were all like that.

(Advisor drives up to the sidewalk and leans out the car window)

Advisor: Buon giorno!  Come stai?

Student: Eh.  (Shakes the nearly empty can) Not many takers.  Are you here to relieve me?

Advisor: What?  I’m just checking in – you’ve only been here for 10 minutes!

Student: Long enough to show this enterprise is a failure, don’t you think?

Advisor: Nice try: you’re staying here for your entire shift, and not a second earlier!  (Drives away)

Student: (Looks down at the can, then at the various shoppers entering and exiting the supermarket) I suppose this is a good character-building exercise – too bad it’s wasted on my apathy.