Story 578: Last-Minute Gift Shopping

             (On a Sunday afternoon, Friend 1 stops alongside the living room couch, does a slight leap, and collapses onto it)

 Friend 1: (Closes eyes and full-body stretches) Ahhhhhh…. A day off from work, nothing to do, nowhere to be…. (Slowly re-opens eyes) Am I that boring?

(Cell phone vibrates with a received message; Friend 1 opens the phone and reads)

Message: COME CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS AND FAM!  IT’S NOT A MILESTONE I JUST WANT TO PAR-TAY WOOOOOOOO!!!!  MAIN STREET BANQUET HALL, MARCH 30, SIX PM UNTIL WHENEVER THEY KICK US OUT, BE THERE OR LIVE WITH THE ETERNAL REGRET LOSERS AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  RSVP BY TOMORROW, YOU ALREADY KNOW BY NOW IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS SO DON’T WASTE MY TIME!  AND BRING A GUEST!  BRING TWO GUESTS!  BRING ALL THE OK MOM I KNOW THE HALL ONLY HOLDS A SET AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BUT I WANT THIS SHINDIG TO BE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’!  SO YOU ALL BETTER SHOW UP WHEEEEE!!!!  YES MOTHER YOU ARE THE ONE PAYING FOR ALL THIS BUT IT’S STILL MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO INVITE THE WHOLE TOWN THEN BY THUNDER I’LL (Sent by voice-to-text feature)

Friend 1: Huh.  A birthday party.  Haven’t done one of those since… (Thinks back to grade school) a certain amount of time.  Eh, why not?  (Types response) “Thanks 4 the invite will be there w/guest C U then.”

Message: COOL BRING YOUR DANCING SHOES CAUSE I WANT THAT FLOOR ON FIRE!!!!!   PARTY ANIMAL OUT!

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Calls Friend 2) Hey-hey, doing anything on March 30?

Friend 2: (Paused while running on a park trail to take the call) Oh, you got the invite too?

Friend 1: The birthday party extravaganza?  Yeah – I guess the whole town really was invited.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  It’s a Sunday and nothing else is going on so I said I’d come with a guest.  Wanna come with me and I’ll drive us there?

Friend 1: But I already said I’d come with a guest and I was gonna ask you!

Friend 2: All right, so we’re going together then.

Friend 1: But we each said we’d bring a guest so now we gotta find two extra people to come with us!

Friend 2: No we don’t; we just write back saying never mind on the guests, we’re going together.

Friend 1: But that’s so embarrassing!

Friend 2: Seriously?  Hold on.  (Types and sends a message)  There.  All cleared up in less than a minute, you weirdo.

Friend 1: `K.  Thanks.  Sorry.

Friend 2: So, what were you thinking for a gift?

Friend 1: …Gift?

Friend 2: Yes.  It is a birthday party.

Friend 1: A little presumptuous to invite an entire town and then expect us all to fork over a contribution, don’t you think?  A party’s nothing without guests, so our presence should be sufficient presents, heh-heh.

Friend 2: Whatever; you’ve got over a month so I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And if all else fails: gift card.

Friend 1: (Sighs dramatically) Oh, the etiquette burdens we place on ourselves when this is supposed to be a fun time.

Friend 2: I know, the trials you endure – I’m going back to my run, bye.  (Ends the call and continues with the run)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone onto the couch, leans back, and closes eyes again) I refuse to let this ruin my lazy day.  We’ve got over a month?  Plenty of time…. (Dozes off)

MARCH 29

(Friend 2 is enjoying a pancake breakfast at home when the phone rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while reading the newspaper) Hi!  What’s up?

Friend 1: (A constant din of stressed people is in the background) You know when you have a looming deadline that you keep pushing off and pushing off because you have plenty of time, and then, suddenly, you don’t?

Friend 2: (Stops reading) Where are you?

Friend 1: (Surrounded by frantic shoppers in a warehouse store) Lost in the middle of Ultra Value Super Save Mart.  Now I remember why I don’t come here on Saturdays.  Or ever.

Friend 2: Are you telling me that you had all this time and you still haven’t gotten a gift for the party tomorrow?!

Friend 1: …Not in so many words.

Friend 2: Unbelievable!  You had more than a month!

Friend 1: Oh, and I suppose you went out and picked up a gift the day we got the invite, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Traitor.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not responsible for your lack of planning in… everything, but I’m going to be extremely generous and let you come in on it if you want.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I can’t do that; we got separate invites, I’d look like a total freeloader!

Friend 2: I don’t think anyone would notice, or care.

Friend 1: Of course they would, they all would!  I could never show my face in this town again!

Friend 2: Hardly anyone even knows anyone else in this town anymore.

Friend 1: They’d know this!  Oh, the shame of it all, the shame!

Friend 2: (Rubs temple with free hand) I think you’re going to give me a migraine if I keep listening to this – you want me to come over there and help you pick out something?

Friend 1: (Immediately calms down) Yes.

Friend 2: Give me half an hour.  And thanks for ruining my Saturday.  (Ends the call and finishes breakfast disgruntledly)

Friend 1: (Pockets the cell phone and returns to staring morosely at a display of bath towels) Apparently, it’s what I do….

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Friend 2: (Finds Friend 1 staring morosely at a display of bath mats, surrounded by shoppers continuously hustling and bustling) All right.  I’m here.  Any progress?

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2 with glazed eyes) I progressed from never wanting to have kids to never wanting to be around humans ever again.

Friend 2: That’s not news – any ideas for gifts yet?

Friend 1: Possibly: you think I could get away with sticking a bow on a kitchen trash can?

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 for a few moments) …No.

Friend 1: Then no.  (Turns back to the bath mats, barely flinching when an infant starts a new crying chain with the others throughout the entire store)

Friend 2: OK, how about a home spa kit or something?

Friend 1: (Turns back to Friend 2) Is that what you got?

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: Wouldn’t I be the little copycat, then.

Friend 2: Who cares?!  Get a gift receipt and it can be returned if there are duplicates; your job is done at that point!

Friend 1: If I cared that little about my self-worth, we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we?

Friend 2: You wouldn’t be in this situation, you mean.

Friend 1: Correct.

Friend 2: (Takes a calming breath) All right, instead of the full-out home spa, how about just a foot spa?

Friend 1: Ew.

Friend 2: Hat-gloves-scarf?

Friend 1: Don’t know the size or taste.  And winter’s shockingly almost over.

Friend 2: Carryall bag?

Friend 1: From what I remember, I doubt the guest of honor leaves the house much.

Friend 2: (Shrugs shoulders in exasperation) I don’t know; a first aid kit?!

Friend 1: (Looks up briefly to think on this) Hmmmm….

Friend 2: No, don’t seriously consider that one; you’re driving me nuts, you know that?!

Friend 1: Can’t be helped, unfortunately.

Friend 2: I’m going to say it again, then: gift.  Card.

Friend 1: (Lowers head) At last, I must admit defeat.  Lead on.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They make their way to the front of the store and find gift card displays)

Friend 2: (Gestures to a very large display filled with many companies’ cards) There you go: pick one.

Friend 1: (Reaches out to a card, then pulls back) No, don’t want to limit to one restaurant.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes ice cream cakes.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes clothes.

Friend 2: Arrrggghhhh!!!  (Grabs a generic credit card company gift card and slaps it onto Friend 1’s open hand) Here!  Now go pay for it and get us out of this place.

Friend 1: (Staring at the card, agog) But there’s an activation fee!

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1 by the coat collar and drags the latter to the cash register lines) I’ll pay the extra fee just to end this!

MARCH 30

(Friend 2 pulls into a parking spot at the banquet hall with Friend 1 in the passenger seat; loud music and sounds of revelers are heard pouring out the front door)

Friend 2: (As they both unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the car while holding their gifts) Well, I’m glad your ordeal is over and we can just enjoy ourselves now that the party’s finally here.

Friend 1: Yeah – let’s see if I’ve still got all my dance moves in me.

Friend 2: I’m almost afraid to find out.

(Inside the banquet hall, the whole town is eating, drinking, talking, dancing, and/or hiding in a corner; Friend 1 and Friend 2 find the Guest of Honor standing by the DJ station and zoom over there)

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Hi!  Happy Birthday!  (They simultaneously hold out their gifts)

Guest of Honor: (Turns and sees them) Oh hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  (Hugs them both fiercely as they hold the items out of the way) This is the best birthday ever, oooooooh!  (One last squeeze)

Friend 1: (As all three separate, holds out the gift again) Great-great; here-here.

Guest of Honor: Oh, you’re so sweet!  I feel bad telling everybody this: Mom wanted me to say “No Gifts” when I sent out the invite since she said everyone being here was enough or something like that, and I totally was going to but when I was finally doing the message I completely forgot to include that part, and now everybody’s coming in with gifts so I’m just telling them to please keep them for yourselves, they’re my “Thank You” for being here!  She’s putting up a banner now to let the rest know as they come in, at least.  (Gestures to a woman on a tall ladder attaching a banner overhead that reads “NO GIFTS!!!!!”; the woman glares at Guest of Honor and shakes her head; Guest of Honor waves at her) Love you!  (Back to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Anyway – so sweet of you.  (Briefly looks toward the front entrance) Oh, there’s more of the family – gotta run!  Make sure to have lots of crackers; we ordered way too many.  (Runs off to greet the new arrivals)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 still are staring at the space Guest of Honor had occupied)

Friend 1: (After a few moments) Soooo… never speak of this again?

Friend 2: That would be best.

Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Story 507: To Get What You Want, Stop Wanting It So Much

(In an office, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver, then picks it up again and slams it down several times) No, I don’t get it; no, I don’t understand!  (Sheepishly turns to Coworker 2) Sorry; I’m done now.

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Didn’t get the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Grits teeth while staring at the phone accusingly) No, I did not.  (Turns back to Coworker 2) I know I don’t have all the qualifications but I certainly worked harder for it!

Coworker 2: So?

Coworker 1: “So?”!  So that means I wanted it more and should’ve gotten it!

Coworker 2: Clearly not: wanting something more only increases your disappointment when you don’t get it.  Plus it reeks of desperation and that usually repels the people in the position to give it to you.

Coworker 1: Oh.  So you’re saying I should’ve “negged” them instead?

Coworker 2: Nah, negging usually repels people even more: putting them down would only further justify their withholding.

Coworker 1: Makes sense.  Any suggestions on what I should do, then?

Coworker 2: (Finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Whelp, I’ve found that appropriating one of the basic tenets of a religion that I don’t practice has changed my life: I came across a quote from Buddhism one day saying that the root of all suffering is desire, and it hit me over the head with how much perfect sense it made.  I stopped wanting things so much, and I’ve never been happier.

Coworker 1: Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Uh-huh.  I then started getting more of what I had wanted, right when I didn’t really want them anymore, so you see the irony.  (Turns back to type actual words on the computer)

Coworker 1: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Nothing else to it?  You don’t also have to meditate, or fast, or anything else that that religion might entail?

Coworker 2: Nah, I’m too lazy and hypocritical for all that integrity.  And it seems to be working without me doing anything else, soooo… yeah.

Coworker 1: (Taps a random key while deep in thought) Hmmmm….

Coworker 2: If you actually are going to start meditating, please do it silently while in my presence; it’s the only payment I demand for my free advice.

Coworker 1: (Stops tapping) Got it.

(In a supermarket warehouse the next day, Coworker 1 pushes a shopping hand truck up and down aisles until reaching an open section where there is a massive giveaway table surrounded by shoppers and staffed by one overwhelmed employee)

Coworker 1: (Reading the details on signs) Ooh, I’ve been wanting this for years, and now it’s free?!  (Sees the crowd and dwindling supplies) Nope; no, they’ll just run out right when I shove my way to the front, and I’ll have aggravated myself for nothing.  Best not to want it at all…. (Turns hand truck back to the aisles and continues shopping, nonchalantly)

(At the checkout)

Cashier: (Finishing scanning Coworker 1’s purchases) Did you get one of the giveaways they had in the center of the store?

Coworker 1: (Chuckles) Oh, no, I passed on all that madness.

Cashier: Would you like one?  (Holds up a giveaway) We all got it, but I don’t want mine and I’m trying to get rid of it.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the giveaway) … If you insist.

(At home the next day, Coworker 1 sits at the kitchen table, holding a cell phone with closed eyes)

Coworker 1: (Muttering) Don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it – (Opens eyes, selects a contact, and places a call) Hi, how’s everything?... Really quick: you know how for my birthday I originally said I wanted that collector’s edition comic book that I’d lost when I was a kid, but you said you were having a really hard time finding it and probably couldn’t get it?... Well, now I don’t want it anymore, so you can just get me a pack of gum or something instead…. You did find it?... Just now, you say?...  What an amazing coincidence!  Never mind, then!... Thanks, you too, bye!  (Ends the call and looks up triumphant, then haunted) This is getting a little scary.

(At the office the next day, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Yeah, wow, that’s great…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver)

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Got the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2 in shock) Yes!  Whatever-their-name-is changed their mind last-minute and turned it down, so it defaulted to me!

Coworker 2: Well, congratulations.

Coworker 1: But I’d already stopped wanting it!

Coworker 2: And hence the irony.

Coworker 1: (Buries head in hands) What am I gonna dooo????

Coworker 2: Take the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Looks up again) Obviously.  But that isn’t all.  (Reaches into pants pockets, pulls out a bunch of $1 scratch-off tickets, and holds them out to show Coworker 2, who finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Look at these: all winners.

Coworker 2: Sweet.

Coworker 1: (Shoves tickets back into pockets) Those new sneakers I pined after for weeks but could never afford?  Accidentally shipped to my address, in my size, due to a glitch and they’re letting me keep them.

Coworker 2: Nice.

Coworker 1: My dream vacation to Antarctica that I knew would never happen?  Just got offered to me yesterday all expenses paid with my local nerd explorers group because they’re suddenly short a “civilian volunteer”.

Coworker 2: Fortuitous.

Coworker 1: But all these great things are happening to me after I don’t want them anymore!

Coworker 2: And the problem is?

Coworker 1: I’m afraid if I do start wanting them again so that I actually can enjoy them, doesn’t that mean they’ll all be taken away?!

Coworker 2: Doubtful: I think gratitude might be the other half of the equation, so as long as you have that then you should be all set.

Coworker 1: Really?

Coworker 2: Definitely.  I stopped wanting to be CEO of this company years ago and that’s when it finally happened, so I was thankful for it and have been freewheeling ever since.  (Resumes typing)

Coworker 1: …Wait, you’re our CEO?!

Coworker 2: Yep.  You’re doing a great job, by the way; just need to cut down on the phone calls a bit.

Coworker 1: What?!

Coworker 2: Thanks to employees like you, the company basically runs itself; I rarely have to go to meetings anymore, which I made sure to want extra badly so they’d go away.

Coworker 1: But you come in here and work at this dinky desk every day!   Why would you do that when you could be literally anywhere else?!

Coworker 2: Gives me something to do.

Story 478: What Would You Like for Valentine’s Day?

“What would you like for Valentine’s Day this year, dear?”

“Oh, you know me, nothing much.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just going out to dinner at a fancy-casual restaurant would be enough.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And maybe some chocolates.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that diamond bracelet I’ve had my eye on for a while – now would be a good time to get that for me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that trip to Mars everyone’s talking about – we should spend the weekend there while we think about colonizing it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you stopped listening to me four sentences ago.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Great.”

“Uh-huh.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “So, what would you like for Valentine’s Day, hon?”

“Oh hon, you know you don’t need to get me anything on a silly mini-holiday to prove your love!”

“Gee, thanks hon – ”

“But if you show up with nothing that day, we’re through.”

“YOU JUST SAID – !”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “So, you want flowers or candy this year for Valentine’s Day?”

“Um, candy would be fine, thanks!  What would you like?”

“The-new-zombie-apocalypse-crime-spree-scavenger-hunt-video-game-that-everyone-wants-so-it-keeps-selling-out – please.”

“That’s… a birthday-tier gift, darling.  Valentine’s Day is just cheap little quick-gifts, or marriage proposals.”

“Oh.  A pack of gum, then.”

“So romantic.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “I have a great idea for Valentine’s Day this year!”

“Awesome!  What is it?”

“Well, since it’s sort-of by a weekend again this year, we should pack our bags and fly out to ----- on Friday and do a whole romantic getaway there!  Whaddya say?”

“I’d say, isn’t that where the Super Bowl’s playing at the exact same time?”

“…What an amazing coincidence!”

“I’ll bet.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “You get me anything for Valentine’s Day this year?”

“Nah; you get me anything?”

“Nope.”

“Good – save our money for the heating bill.”

“Nice.  I always knew we were compatible.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Here: I know every year you always say we shouldn’t exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day, but every year we get each other something anyway.”

“Aw, thanks!  I actually did pick you up a little something – ”

“Knew it!  Let’s see... aw, babe, the deed to the world’s oil reserves, you shouldn’t have!”

“Oh, shush, you; like I said, just a little something.  And mine is… an all-inclusive trip to the Andromeda Galaxy!  Babe, what a nice little jaunt that’ll be!”

“Well, you know, it’s Valentine’s Day – no need to go all out.”