Story 638: What Can I Give for Father’s Day?

 WEDNESDAY 

“Hi kiddo, what’s up?”

“Hey Dad, just calling to ask what can I give for Father’s Day this Sunday?”

“Oh, gee, thanks, but Father’s Day’s actually the following Sunday.”

“…Dangit!” <CLICK>

“Hello?... This kid, I’m telling you….” 

THE FOLLOWING WEDNESDAY 

“Hi kiddo, what’s up?”

“OK, for real this time: what can I give you for Father’s Day this Sunday?”

“Heh-heh, right, yeah – you don’t have to give me anything: your existence alone is present enough for me.”

“Oh come on!”

“You know, your mother and I try to give you an easier life than we had, and yet you insist on undermining that at every opportunity.”

“I can’t just not give you something on Father’s Day!  It’s up there with birthdays – gifts are obligatory, or else you might as well quit the entire family!”

“What?”

“Please, just tell me you want something that you’d never get for yourself: concert tickets – a motorcycle – a football team?!”

“<Sigh> Fine, you can get me… socks.”

“….”

“….”

“Socks.”

“Yeah, the ones I have are getting worn out and I need new ones for pickleball.  The white athletic kind, you know, that I can wear with my sneakers and pull up over my calves.”

“….”

“….”

“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you.”

“You can be a bit dramatic, but new socks really are what I would like.”

“Very well, Father: if socks are what you want, then socks are what you shall get.”

“Why does that sound like a threat?” 

SUNDAY 

“Happy Father’s Day!”

“Hiiii… What’s… all… this?”

“Socks!  Just like you wanted!”

“But you’re trucking in so many bags here – how many pairs did you get?!”

“A year’s supply, so now none of them will have a chance to wear out!”

“Oh my… thank you?”

“Certainly!  Nothing’s too good for MY FATHER ON FATHER’S DAY!”

“Just one more thing.”

“Anything!”

“Put all of them away somewhere before your mother sees them.”

Story 633: What Can I Give for Mother’s Day?

            “Oh hi honey, what’s up?”

“Well, I’m calling in a panic right now, an absolute panic!”

“Dear me, why’s that?”

“Because Mother’s Day is this Sunday, and I have absolutely no idea what to give you this year!”

“Aw honey, you know you don’t have to give me anything – ”

“Don’t tell me that Mother’s Lie!”

“ – And it really doesn’t matter anyway since Mother’s Day was last Sunday.”

“…What?”

“Mother’s Day already passed, so save this for my birthday instead.”

“No, no, Mother’s Day is this Sunday, it’s the third Sunday of the month!”

“That’s Father’s Day, dear.”

“Since when?!”

“Since whenever both holidays were established here, I think.”

“OK, well, why didn’t you say anything when I didn’t come over on Sunday and didn’t even call you!  All day!”

“Well, one doesn’t like to mention such things; I figured you’d just forgot, and in a way, you did.  But it was an honest mistake – nothing to fret about.”

“This is an even bigger disaster than I thought!  You spent all day at home, alone, staring out the window and thinking I’m the worst child a mother ever had, I could just burst from the shame!”

“Actually, your father and I had a wonderful time whitewater rafting that day, and I’m sorry to say I didn’t even think about you until the following morning.”

“See!  I’m such an awful child that you didn’t even remember you had one on that day of all days!”

“Honey, it’s really not that big a deal; I understand you got a little mixed up on the dates and we’ll just celebrate on another day.  Not this Sunday, though – I’ll be doing one of those cure walks with my book club and it’ll be extremely early in the morning, so that’ll wipe me out for the rest of the day.”

“Fine-fine, but back to the original subject: what do you want?!”

“<Sigh> Brunch would be lovely.”

“No cooperation at all!”  <CLICK>

“Certainly doesn’t get all that drama from my side of the family, I’ll tell you.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Happy Mother’s Day!  Two weeks later!”

“Hi, honey!  What’s all this out on the front lawn?”

“Well, since you refused to tell me what to get you, I had to make an executive decision and order a traveling circus.”

“You did what?”

“Oh yeah, this company does stuff like this all the time – you don’t still have the sprinkler system installed in the lawn, do you?”

“What?  No, that’s all gone, but – ”

“Great – OK FELLAS, NO SPRINKLER HEADS TO WORRY ABOUT SO JUST AVOID THE WATER AND GAS LINES, ALL RIGHT?”

“Honey, what is going on?!”

“Don’t worry, they just need to know where to set up the big top.”

“On the front lawn?!”

“You know, you’re right – backyard has so much more space.  OK FELLAS, MOVE IT ALL TO THE BACK INSTEAD!”

“Wait-wait-wait – this is all too much; I didn’t want you spending what is clearly a fortune on a performance troupe!”

“Oh, that’s not an issue: the ringmaster owes me a favor.  YOU CAN USE THE HOSE ATTACHED TO THE HOUSE TO FILL UP THE DIVING POOL, AND TELL THE TRAPEZE ARTISTS TO GO AS HIGH UP AS THEY WANT!  Just send me your next month’s water bill – they shouldn’t need your electricity, but let me know if they wind up tapping into it later.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about – oh, all these people, all over the place – wait, no, don’t tell me there’re going to be lions or elephants or horses coming through here too, are there?!”

“Hm?  Oh, no, this is a humans-only circus; don’t need that extra headache.”

“OK.  Do they need me to feed them, then?”

“On your special day?!  No-no-no – the catering trailer should be around any minute now.  You don’t mind if they park and set up on the grass, do you?  I don’t think there’s enough room on the street.”

“You really went through too much trouble, you know.”

“On the contrary: not nearly enough to make up for my horrific oversight and failure as an offspring!”

“Yes, well, I’d actually forgotten all about that until just now.  Let me go get your father and let him know the circus is in our backyard.”

“No need: I see he’s out there now, telling them where to set up the big top.”

“Of course he is.  Well, thank you for the entertaining show – and I’m sure the circus performances will be fun, too.”

“Certainly!  Nothing is too good for MY MOTHER on MOTHER’S DAY!”

“I do have one request.”

“Anything!”

“Next year, stick to brunch.”

Story 622: Valentine’s Day “Gift”

            (In a living room, Spouse 1 is sitting in an armchair reading a book when Spouse 2 enters)

Spouse 2: Hey – do we have plans for Valentine’s Day yet?

Spouse 1: (Lowers the book to stare at Spouse 2) Well, yes: since it’s on a Saturday this year but you still wanted to go out to dinner with every other couple in the world that night, I made a restaurant reservation six months ago.  (Raises the book to start reading again)

Spouse 2: That’s great, thanks, BUT I have another idea for our gift to each other this year.

Spouse 1: (Lowers the book again) Oh?

Spouse 2: Yeah: I’ve been thinking –

Spouse 1: Mm-hm?

Spouse 2: – and you know how my music career’s kind of stalled lately, and the songs just aren’t coming to me and the muse has been failing to show up and all that, so I think the best thing for both of us this year is that we break up.

Spouse 1: (Inflectionless) …What.

Spouse 2: Preferably on Valentine’s Day, for maximum impact.

Spouse 1: (Still inflectionless) …What.

Spouse 2: Yeah, I really think this is the only path for my music right now: everyone knows that the best songs are about how you’re so in love with someone but they have no idea, or they’re already with someone else, or they did you wrong, or it was all perfect and they still broke your heart because they were bored or something, or they went off with your best friend which is basically a double betrayal, or you can’t stand each other anymore but you’re both stuck where you are out of habit, or you’re eternally devoted but the other person just can’t stick around because they’re free like the wind or off like a bird or whatever, and bottom line is, those are the songs that everyone sings along with and cries their hearts out to and plays at weddings and pays lots and lots of money for and are remembered centuries after the songwriters are gone, so the only way I’m going to be able write any of that stuff is if I myself am suffering from the pangs of unjust heartbreak or heartbreak that really is my own fault and can only find solace by pouring out my soul and emotional pain through strings, percussion, woodwinds, brass, and vocal cords.

Spouse 1: ....

Spouse 2: So, in case I wasn’t completely clear back there, it’s best if you break up with me in this scenario.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Doing that on Valentine’s Day would be ideal, but you can wait until my birthday if you need more time to prepare the script – I’ll use some of it for the lyrics.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Ooh, completely forgot to mention that you’ll get half the royalties in perpetuity – you being the new muse for this award-winning anguish album and all.  And that’ll be my gift to you this year.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Want to practice some inspiration on me now, something like “I finally remembered that I never loved you!” or “I like awake every night wondering ‘Why?’” or “The grass is certainly looking a lot greener with every passing day,” or “You never help set the table!”?  I’m really trying to work on that last one, though, so maybe ignore it for now.  We can workshop all this later, if you want.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: ….

Spouse 1: I made the reservation for 6:30 so we can be home by 9.  (Raises the book to start reading again)

Spouse 2: Aw, hon, you’re the best!

Story 588: Better Not Forget About Mother’s Day

 SATURDAY, MAY 3

            (In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is folding laundry on the living room couch while listening to the radio with the volume turned up to the max)

Sibling 2: (Singing along, also to the max) <AND IIIIIIIIIIIII/ DON’T KNOOOOOOOWWWWW THE WOOOOOOORDS/ OOOOOOOOOOH, I – > (Is interrupted by knocking on the front door and turns briefly to the open windows) Oops.  (Turns off the radio and checks the door’s peephole) Oh good.  (Unlocks and opens the door) Hey there – thought you were one of my neighbors telling me to shut up.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, get that a lot?

Sibling 2: Very funny; come on in.

(Sibling 1 enters but stays in the entranceway as Sibling 2 closes the door)

Sibling1: Thanks.  Sorry to drop in like this –

Sibling 2: Not at all; want something to drink?

Sibling 1: No thanks, I’ll make this quick.  (Shoves hands into pants pockets and starts rocking back and forth in muted excitement) Soooo, I know this is last-minute, but I just saw a billboard on the highway this morning saying that ----- is having a surprise concert in town, as in actually here, next Sunday!  Out of nowhere!

Sibling 2: Really, here?  Why?

Sibling 1: Who knows?!  So, if I somehow can get tickets, you wanna go?

Sibling 2: To a concert next Sunday.

Sibling 1: (Nods and starts lightly bouncing in glee) Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Sibling 2: Next Sunday, as in the second Sunday of May.

Sibling 1: (Nods some more) Yep, all day!

Sibling 2: (Crosses arms) Yeah, do you know what happens on the second Sunday of May in most countries in the world?  Including this one?

Sibling 1: (Stops bouncing and twitches jaw in thought) The… Sun also rises?

Sibling 2: (Suddenly uncrosses arms) It’s Mother’s Day, you dope!

Sibling 1: (Gasps and briefly brings hands to face) Ohhhhh nooooo!  That’s this year?!

Sibling 2: It’s every year!

Sibling 1: Oh right.

Sibling 2: And lemme guess: you forgot to make a reservation for brunch like you said you would after Mother’s Day last year.

Sibling 1: That was last year?!  I thought that was two years ago and you were supposed to make the reservation this year!

Sibling 2: (Looking confused) No… no, I did it last year…?  (Looks off into the distance of memory)

Sibling 1: (Looks off into the same distance) Or were Mom and Dad on that cruise last year and it was actually three… no, four…?

Sibling 2: Five…?

(They suddenly look at each other in horror)

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH – !

FIVE MINUTES LATER

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are sitting on the living room couch next to piles of folded laundry, each holding a glass of water and staring at nothing)

Sibling 2: Well, now that that existential crisis has been put on hold for the moment: what are we going to do about Mother’s Day?

Sibling 1: I guess I can try making a reservation… somewhere, but I think everywhere around here’s been booked for that day since last Thanksgiving.

Sibling 2: Maybe we can try, I dunno, making something instead?

Sibling 1: What, you mean, cooking something?

Sibling 2: Yeah.

Sibling 1: You?!

Sibling 2: Hey!

Sibling 1: Sorry, I mean: Me?!

Sibling 2: Eh, you’re right: we’re both hopeless in that department.  You’re every food delivery service’s best customer, and my gourmet limit is pasta, and maybe brownies if I’m paying attention.

Sibling 1: I always like your brownies.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

Sibling 1: At least you have some variety – best I can do is whip up a sandwich.  (Turns to Sibling 2) Hey, you think she’d like one of those?

Sibling 2: (Stares back in mild disbelief) I think we can do a tad better than that.

Sibling 1: Maybe, but you know Mom, she’ll be happy with whatever we get her, right?  And actually mean it, `cause it’s about the company and not the gift, right?!  Right??!!

Sibling 2: I know, but deep down, she’d be ever so slightly disappointed, not in the gift itself but in its representation of how we turned out in life, and she’d wonder “Where did I go wrong?”

Sibling 1: I often wonder that myself.

Sibling 2: (Stands decisively) OK, I’ve got it: pasta for dinner, brownies for dessert with bakery cookies as back-up in case I burn them, and you – (Points to Sibling 1) get some nice flowers that she can plant in the backyard garden.  Sound good?

Sibling 1: (Also stands) Sounds great!  Cheers!  (They tap glasses and start drinking, then stop with disgusted looks on their faces)

Sibling 2: (Spits water back into the glass) Yeah, I forgot they’re flushing the lines around here again.

Sibling 1: (Also spits the water back into the glass and hands that over to Sibling 2) Still tastes better than when they do it by me.

SUNDAY, MAY 11 – MOTHER’S DAY

(At Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s parents’ house, all four are seated around the dining room table)

Mom: (Finishing pasta with a bright smile) Well, I have to say, this is probably the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had.

Sibling 1: Aw, Ma, you say that every year!

Mom: And I mean it every year!

Dad: Heh-heh, except for that one year we all got food poisoning `cause I’d picked up bad lettuce for the salad; remember that one?

Mom: (Eyes blazing) WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT YEAR!  (Dad freezes; Mom resets and smiles again) Now, I know we just finished dinner, but I’m really looking forward to what you brought for dessert!

Sibling 2: Thanks!  We can have that after we all clean up in here, if you want to plant those flowers out back now.

Mom: Oh no, honey, they need to stay in the vase.  (Points to a vase of flowers in the center of the table)

Sibling 2: (Through clenched teeth at Sibling 1) But they were supposed to be ones that could be planted outside.

Sibling 1: (Slurping up spaghetti remnants) Huh?

Mom: Well, these actually are indoor plants, and they go very nicely with the dining room color scheme.

Sibling 2: (Still at Sibling 1) Again, you had one job to do!  Can’t you tell the difference between outdoor plants and indoor ones?!

Sibling 1: Can you?!

Sibling 2: That’s not the point!

Sibling 1: Hey, you’re lucky I was even able to get these – I went to about 10 places before I found one that actually sold flowers!

Sibling 2: They’re in every supermarket around here, and you couldn’t go five feet this week without falling over a pop-up garden stand!  How have you survived in life this long?!

Sibling 1: Judgey hypocrite!

Sibling 2: Helpless twit!

(They partially stand to lunge across the table and start shoving each other by the shoulders, yelling incomprehensibly)

Dad: (Buttering up a roll and addressing Mom under Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s arms as the battle rages) You know, it’s always nice when we get together as a family, isn’t it?

Mom: (Sipping wine as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drag each other to the living room to wrestle on the floor) Yes, but sometimes I wonder: where did I go wrong?

Story 578: Last-Minute Gift Shopping

             (On a Sunday afternoon, Friend 1 stops alongside the living room couch, does a slight leap, and collapses onto it)

 Friend 1: (Closes eyes and full-body stretches) Ahhhhhh…. A day off from work, nothing to do, nowhere to be…. (Slowly re-opens eyes) Am I that boring?

(Cell phone vibrates with a received message; Friend 1 opens the phone and reads)

Message: COME CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS AND FAM!  IT’S NOT A MILESTONE I JUST WANT TO PAR-TAY WOOOOOOOO!!!!  MAIN STREET BANQUET HALL, MARCH 30, SIX PM UNTIL WHENEVER THEY KICK US OUT, BE THERE OR LIVE WITH THE ETERNAL REGRET LOSERS AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  RSVP BY TOMORROW, YOU ALREADY KNOW BY NOW IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS SO DON’T WASTE MY TIME!  AND BRING A GUEST!  BRING TWO GUESTS!  BRING ALL THE OK MOM I KNOW THE HALL ONLY HOLDS A SET AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BUT I WANT THIS SHINDIG TO BE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’!  SO YOU ALL BETTER SHOW UP WHEEEEE!!!!  YES MOTHER YOU ARE THE ONE PAYING FOR ALL THIS BUT IT’S STILL MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO INVITE THE WHOLE TOWN THEN BY THUNDER I’LL (Sent by voice-to-text feature)

Friend 1: Huh.  A birthday party.  Haven’t done one of those since… (Thinks back to grade school) a certain amount of time.  Eh, why not?  (Types response) “Thanks 4 the invite will be there w/guest C U then.”

Message: COOL BRING YOUR DANCING SHOES CAUSE I WANT THAT FLOOR ON FIRE!!!!!   PARTY ANIMAL OUT!

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Calls Friend 2) Hey-hey, doing anything on March 30?

Friend 2: (Paused while running on a park trail to take the call) Oh, you got the invite too?

Friend 1: The birthday party extravaganza?  Yeah – I guess the whole town really was invited.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  It’s a Sunday and nothing else is going on so I said I’d come with a guest.  Wanna come with me and I’ll drive us there?

Friend 1: But I already said I’d come with a guest and I was gonna ask you!

Friend 2: All right, so we’re going together then.

Friend 1: But we each said we’d bring a guest so now we gotta find two extra people to come with us!

Friend 2: No we don’t; we just write back saying never mind on the guests, we’re going together.

Friend 1: But that’s so embarrassing!

Friend 2: Seriously?  Hold on.  (Types and sends a message)  There.  All cleared up in less than a minute, you weirdo.

Friend 1: `K.  Thanks.  Sorry.

Friend 2: So, what were you thinking for a gift?

Friend 1: …Gift?

Friend 2: Yes.  It is a birthday party.

Friend 1: A little presumptuous to invite an entire town and then expect us all to fork over a contribution, don’t you think?  A party’s nothing without guests, so our presence should be sufficient presents, heh-heh.

Friend 2: Whatever; you’ve got over a month so I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And if all else fails: gift card.

Friend 1: (Sighs dramatically) Oh, the etiquette burdens we place on ourselves when this is supposed to be a fun time.

Friend 2: I know, the trials you endure – I’m going back to my run, bye.  (Ends the call and continues with the run)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone onto the couch, leans back, and closes eyes again) I refuse to let this ruin my lazy day.  We’ve got over a month?  Plenty of time…. (Dozes off)

MARCH 29

(Friend 2 is enjoying a pancake breakfast at home when the phone rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while reading the newspaper) Hi!  What’s up?

Friend 1: (A constant din of stressed people is in the background) You know when you have a looming deadline that you keep pushing off and pushing off because you have plenty of time, and then, suddenly, you don’t?

Friend 2: (Stops reading) Where are you?

Friend 1: (Surrounded by frantic shoppers in a warehouse store) Lost in the middle of Ultra Value Super Save Mart.  Now I remember why I don’t come here on Saturdays.  Or ever.

Friend 2: Are you telling me that you had all this time and you still haven’t gotten a gift for the party tomorrow?!

Friend 1: …Not in so many words.

Friend 2: Unbelievable!  You had more than a month!

Friend 1: Oh, and I suppose you went out and picked up a gift the day we got the invite, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Traitor.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not responsible for your lack of planning in… everything, but I’m going to be extremely generous and let you come in on it if you want.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I can’t do that; we got separate invites, I’d look like a total freeloader!

Friend 2: I don’t think anyone would notice, or care.

Friend 1: Of course they would, they all would!  I could never show my face in this town again!

Friend 2: Hardly anyone even knows anyone else in this town anymore.

Friend 1: They’d know this!  Oh, the shame of it all, the shame!

Friend 2: (Rubs temple with free hand) I think you’re going to give me a migraine if I keep listening to this – you want me to come over there and help you pick out something?

Friend 1: (Immediately calms down) Yes.

Friend 2: Give me half an hour.  And thanks for ruining my Saturday.  (Ends the call and finishes breakfast disgruntledly)

Friend 1: (Pockets the cell phone and returns to staring morosely at a display of bath towels) Apparently, it’s what I do….

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Friend 2: (Finds Friend 1 staring morosely at a display of bath mats, surrounded by shoppers continuously hustling and bustling) All right.  I’m here.  Any progress?

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2 with glazed eyes) I progressed from never wanting to have kids to never wanting to be around humans ever again.

Friend 2: That’s not news – any ideas for gifts yet?

Friend 1: Possibly: you think I could get away with sticking a bow on a kitchen trash can?

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 for a few moments) …No.

Friend 1: Then no.  (Turns back to the bath mats, barely flinching when an infant starts a new crying chain with the others throughout the entire store)

Friend 2: OK, how about a home spa kit or something?

Friend 1: (Turns back to Friend 2) Is that what you got?

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: Wouldn’t I be the little copycat, then.

Friend 2: Who cares?!  Get a gift receipt and it can be returned if there are duplicates; your job is done at that point!

Friend 1: If I cared that little about my self-worth, we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we?

Friend 2: You wouldn’t be in this situation, you mean.

Friend 1: Correct.

Friend 2: (Takes a calming breath) All right, instead of the full-out home spa, how about just a foot spa?

Friend 1: Ew.

Friend 2: Hat-gloves-scarf?

Friend 1: Don’t know the size or taste.  And winter’s shockingly almost over.

Friend 2: Carryall bag?

Friend 1: From what I remember, I doubt the guest of honor leaves the house much.

Friend 2: (Shrugs shoulders in exasperation) I don’t know; a first aid kit?!

Friend 1: (Looks up briefly to think on this) Hmmmm….

Friend 2: No, don’t seriously consider that one; you’re driving me nuts, you know that?!

Friend 1: Can’t be helped, unfortunately.

Friend 2: I’m going to say it again, then: gift.  Card.

Friend 1: (Lowers head) At last, I must admit defeat.  Lead on.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They make their way to the front of the store and find gift card displays)

Friend 2: (Gestures to a very large display filled with many companies’ cards) There you go: pick one.

Friend 1: (Reaches out to a card, then pulls back) No, don’t want to limit to one restaurant.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes ice cream cakes.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes clothes.

Friend 2: Arrrggghhhh!!!  (Grabs a generic credit card company gift card and slaps it onto Friend 1’s open hand) Here!  Now go pay for it and get us out of this place.

Friend 1: (Staring at the card, agog) But there’s an activation fee!

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1 by the coat collar and drags the latter to the cash register lines) I’ll pay the extra fee just to end this!

MARCH 30

(Friend 2 pulls into a parking spot at the banquet hall with Friend 1 in the passenger seat; loud music and sounds of revelers are heard pouring out the front door)

Friend 2: (As they both unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the car while holding their gifts) Well, I’m glad your ordeal is over and we can just enjoy ourselves now that the party’s finally here.

Friend 1: Yeah – let’s see if I’ve still got all my dance moves in me.

Friend 2: I’m almost afraid to find out.

(Inside the banquet hall, the whole town is eating, drinking, talking, dancing, and/or hiding in a corner; Friend 1 and Friend 2 find the Guest of Honor standing by the DJ station and zoom over there)

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Hi!  Happy Birthday!  (They simultaneously hold out their gifts)

Guest of Honor: (Turns and sees them) Oh hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  (Hugs them both fiercely as they hold the items out of the way) This is the best birthday ever, oooooooh!  (One last squeeze)

Friend 1: (As all three separate, holds out the gift again) Great-great; here-here.

Guest of Honor: Oh, you’re so sweet!  I feel bad telling everybody this: Mom wanted me to say “No Gifts” when I sent out the invite since she said everyone being here was enough or something like that, and I totally was going to but when I was finally doing the message I completely forgot to include that part, and now everybody’s coming in with gifts so I’m just telling them to please keep them for yourselves, they’re my “Thank You” for being here!  She’s putting up a banner now to let the rest know as they come in, at least.  (Gestures to a woman on a tall ladder attaching a banner overhead that reads “NO GIFTS!!!!!”; the woman glares at Guest of Honor and shakes her head; Guest of Honor waves at her) Love you!  (Back to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Anyway – so sweet of you.  (Briefly looks toward the front entrance) Oh, there’s more of the family – gotta run!  Make sure to have lots of crackers; we ordered way too many.  (Runs off to greet the new arrivals)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 still are staring at the space Guest of Honor had occupied)

Friend 1: (After a few moments) Soooo… never speak of this again?

Friend 2: That would be best.

Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Story 507: To Get What You Want, Stop Wanting It So Much

(In an office, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver, then picks it up again and slams it down several times) No, I don’t get it; no, I don’t understand!  (Sheepishly turns to Coworker 2) Sorry; I’m done now.

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Didn’t get the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Grits teeth while staring at the phone accusingly) No, I did not.  (Turns back to Coworker 2) I know I don’t have all the qualifications but I certainly worked harder for it!

Coworker 2: So?

Coworker 1: “So?”!  So that means I wanted it more and should’ve gotten it!

Coworker 2: Clearly not: wanting something more only increases your disappointment when you don’t get it.  Plus it reeks of desperation and that usually repels the people in the position to give it to you.

Coworker 1: Oh.  So you’re saying I should’ve “negged” them instead?

Coworker 2: Nah, negging usually repels people even more: putting them down would only further justify their withholding.

Coworker 1: Makes sense.  Any suggestions on what I should do, then?

Coworker 2: (Finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Whelp, I’ve found that appropriating one of the basic tenets of a religion that I don’t practice has changed my life: I came across a quote from Buddhism one day saying that the root of all suffering is desire, and it hit me over the head with how much perfect sense it made.  I stopped wanting things so much, and I’ve never been happier.

Coworker 1: Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Uh-huh.  I then started getting more of what I had wanted, right when I didn’t really want them anymore, so you see the irony.  (Turns back to type actual words on the computer)

Coworker 1: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Nothing else to it?  You don’t also have to meditate, or fast, or anything else that that religion might entail?

Coworker 2: Nah, I’m too lazy and hypocritical for all that integrity.  And it seems to be working without me doing anything else, soooo… yeah.

Coworker 1: (Taps a random key while deep in thought) Hmmmm….

Coworker 2: If you actually are going to start meditating, please do it silently while in my presence; it’s the only payment I demand for my free advice.

Coworker 1: (Stops tapping) Got it.

(In a supermarket warehouse the next day, Coworker 1 pushes a shopping hand truck up and down aisles until reaching an open section where there is a massive giveaway table surrounded by shoppers and staffed by one overwhelmed employee)

Coworker 1: (Reading the details on signs) Ooh, I’ve been wanting this for years, and now it’s free?!  (Sees the crowd and dwindling supplies) Nope; no, they’ll just run out right when I shove my way to the front, and I’ll have aggravated myself for nothing.  Best not to want it at all…. (Turns hand truck back to the aisles and continues shopping, nonchalantly)

(At the checkout)

Cashier: (Finishing scanning Coworker 1’s purchases) Did you get one of the giveaways they had in the center of the store?

Coworker 1: (Chuckles) Oh, no, I passed on all that madness.

Cashier: Would you like one?  (Holds up a giveaway) We all got it, but I don’t want mine and I’m trying to get rid of it.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the giveaway) … If you insist.

(At home the next day, Coworker 1 sits at the kitchen table, holding a cell phone with closed eyes)

Coworker 1: (Muttering) Don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it – (Opens eyes, selects a contact, and places a call) Hi, how’s everything?... Really quick: you know how for my birthday I originally said I wanted that collector’s edition comic book that I’d lost when I was a kid, but you said you were having a really hard time finding it and probably couldn’t get it?... Well, now I don’t want it anymore, so you can just get me a pack of gum or something instead…. You did find it?... Just now, you say?...  What an amazing coincidence!  Never mind, then!... Thanks, you too, bye!  (Ends the call and looks up triumphant, then haunted) This is getting a little scary.

(At the office the next day, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Yeah, wow, that’s great…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver)

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Got the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2 in shock) Yes!  Whatever-their-name-is changed their mind last-minute and turned it down, so it defaulted to me!

Coworker 2: Well, congratulations.

Coworker 1: But I’d already stopped wanting it!

Coworker 2: And hence the irony.

Coworker 1: (Buries head in hands) What am I gonna dooo????

Coworker 2: Take the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Looks up again) Obviously.  But that isn’t all.  (Reaches into pants pockets, pulls out a bunch of $1 scratch-off tickets, and holds them out to show Coworker 2, who finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Look at these: all winners.

Coworker 2: Sweet.

Coworker 1: (Shoves tickets back into pockets) Those new sneakers I pined after for weeks but could never afford?  Accidentally shipped to my address, in my size, due to a glitch and they’re letting me keep them.

Coworker 2: Nice.

Coworker 1: My dream vacation to Antarctica that I knew would never happen?  Just got offered to me yesterday all expenses paid with my local nerd explorers group because they’re suddenly short a “civilian volunteer”.

Coworker 2: Fortuitous.

Coworker 1: But all these great things are happening to me after I don’t want them anymore!

Coworker 2: And the problem is?

Coworker 1: I’m afraid if I do start wanting them again so that I actually can enjoy them, doesn’t that mean they’ll all be taken away?!

Coworker 2: Doubtful: I think gratitude might be the other half of the equation, so as long as you have that then you should be all set.

Coworker 1: Really?

Coworker 2: Definitely.  I stopped wanting to be CEO of this company years ago and that’s when it finally happened, so I was thankful for it and have been freewheeling ever since.  (Resumes typing)

Coworker 1: …Wait, you’re our CEO?!

Coworker 2: Yep.  You’re doing a great job, by the way; just need to cut down on the phone calls a bit.

Coworker 1: What?!

Coworker 2: Thanks to employees like you, the company basically runs itself; I rarely have to go to meetings anymore, which I made sure to want extra badly so they’d go away.

Coworker 1: But you come in here and work at this dinky desk every day!   Why would you do that when you could be literally anywhere else?!

Coworker 2: Gives me something to do.