Showing posts with label gift. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gift. Show all posts

Thursday, December 19, 2024

Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Wednesday, September 13, 2023

Story 507: To Get What You Want, Stop Wanting It So Much

(In an office, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver, then picks it up again and slams it down several times) No, I don’t get it; no, I don’t understand!  (Sheepishly turns to Coworker 2) Sorry; I’m done now.

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Didn’t get the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Grits teeth while staring at the phone accusingly) No, I did not.  (Turns back to Coworker 2) I know I don’t have all the qualifications but I certainly worked harder for it!

Coworker 2: So?

Coworker 1: “So?”!  So that means I wanted it more and should’ve gotten it!

Coworker 2: Clearly not: wanting something more only increases your disappointment when you don’t get it.  Plus it reeks of desperation and that usually repels the people in the position to give it to you.

Coworker 1: Oh.  So you’re saying I should’ve “negged” them instead?

Coworker 2: Nah, negging usually repels people even more: putting them down would only further justify their withholding.

Coworker 1: Makes sense.  Any suggestions on what I should do, then?

Coworker 2: (Finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Whelp, I’ve found that appropriating one of the basic tenets of a religion that I don’t practice has changed my life: I came across a quote from Buddhism one day saying that the root of all suffering is desire, and it hit me over the head with how much perfect sense it made.  I stopped wanting things so much, and I’ve never been happier.

Coworker 1: Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Uh-huh.  I then started getting more of what I had wanted, right when I didn’t really want them anymore, so you see the irony.  (Turns back to type actual words on the computer)

Coworker 1: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Nothing else to it?  You don’t also have to meditate, or fast, or anything else that that religion might entail?

Coworker 2: Nah, I’m too lazy and hypocritical for all that integrity.  And it seems to be working without me doing anything else, soooo… yeah.

Coworker 1: (Taps a random key while deep in thought) Hmmmm….

Coworker 2: If you actually are going to start meditating, please do it silently while in my presence; it’s the only payment I demand for my free advice.

Coworker 1: (Stops tapping) Got it.

(In a supermarket warehouse the next day, Coworker 1 pushes a shopping hand truck up and down aisles until reaching an open section where there is a massive giveaway table surrounded by shoppers and staffed by one overwhelmed employee)

Coworker 1: (Reading the details on signs) Ooh, I’ve been wanting this for years, and now it’s free?!  (Sees the crowd and dwindling supplies) Nope; no, they’ll just run out right when I shove my way to the front, and I’ll have aggravated myself for nothing.  Best not to want it at all…. (Turns hand truck back to the aisles and continues shopping, nonchalantly)

(At the checkout)

Cashier: (Finishing scanning Coworker 1’s purchases) Did you get one of the giveaways they had in the center of the store?

Coworker 1: (Chuckles) Oh, no, I passed on all that madness.

Cashier: Would you like one?  (Holds up a giveaway) We all got it, but I don’t want mine and I’m trying to get rid of it.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the giveaway) … If you insist.

(At home the next day, Coworker 1 sits at the kitchen table, holding a cell phone with closed eyes)

Coworker 1: (Muttering) Don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it – (Opens eyes, selects a contact, and places a call) Hi, how’s everything?... Really quick: you know how for my birthday I originally said I wanted that collector’s edition comic book that I’d lost when I was a kid, but you said you were having a really hard time finding it and probably couldn’t get it?... Well, now I don’t want it anymore, so you can just get me a pack of gum or something instead…. You did find it?... Just now, you say?...  What an amazing coincidence!  Never mind, then!... Thanks, you too, bye!  (Ends the call and looks up triumphant, then haunted) This is getting a little scary.

(At the office the next day, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Yeah, wow, that’s great…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver)

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Got the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2 in shock) Yes!  Whatever-their-name-is changed their mind last-minute and turned it down, so it defaulted to me!

Coworker 2: Well, congratulations.

Coworker 1: But I’d already stopped wanting it!

Coworker 2: And hence the irony.

Coworker 1: (Buries head in hands) What am I gonna dooo????

Coworker 2: Take the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Looks up again) Obviously.  But that isn’t all.  (Reaches into pants pockets, pulls out a bunch of $1 scratch-off tickets, and holds them out to show Coworker 2, who finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Look at these: all winners.

Coworker 2: Sweet.

Coworker 1: (Shoves tickets back into pockets) Those new sneakers I pined after for weeks but could never afford?  Accidentally shipped to my address, in my size, due to a glitch and they’re letting me keep them.

Coworker 2: Nice.

Coworker 1: My dream vacation to Antarctica that I knew would never happen?  Just got offered to me yesterday all expenses paid with my local nerd explorers group because they’re suddenly short a “civilian volunteer”.

Coworker 2: Fortuitous.

Coworker 1: But all these great things are happening to me after I don’t want them anymore!

Coworker 2: And the problem is?

Coworker 1: I’m afraid if I do start wanting them again so that I actually can enjoy them, doesn’t that mean they’ll all be taken away?!

Coworker 2: Doubtful: I think gratitude might be the other half of the equation, so as long as you have that then you should be all set.

Coworker 1: Really?

Coworker 2: Definitely.  I stopped wanting to be CEO of this company years ago and that’s when it finally happened, so I was thankful for it and have been freewheeling ever since.  (Resumes typing)

Coworker 1: …Wait, you’re our CEO?!

Coworker 2: Yep.  You’re doing a great job, by the way; just need to cut down on the phone calls a bit.

Coworker 1: What?!

Coworker 2: Thanks to employees like you, the company basically runs itself; I rarely have to go to meetings anymore, which I made sure to want extra badly so they’d go away.

Coworker 1: But you come in here and work at this dinky desk every day!   Why would you do that when you could be literally anywhere else?!

Coworker 2: Gives me something to do.

Thursday, February 9, 2023

Story 478: What Would You Like for Valentine’s Day?

“What would you like for Valentine’s Day this year, dear?”

“Oh, you know me, nothing much.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just going out to dinner at a fancy-casual restaurant would be enough.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And maybe some chocolates.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that diamond bracelet I’ve had my eye on for a while – now would be a good time to get that for me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that trip to Mars everyone’s talking about – we should spend the weekend there while we think about colonizing it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you stopped listening to me four sentences ago.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Great.”

“Uh-huh.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “So, what would you like for Valentine’s Day, hon?”

“Oh hon, you know you don’t need to get me anything on a silly mini-holiday to prove your love!”

“Gee, thanks hon – ”

“But if you show up with nothing that day, we’re through.”

“YOU JUST SAID – !”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “So, you want flowers or candy this year for Valentine’s Day?”

“Um, candy would be fine, thanks!  What would you like?”

“The-new-zombie-apocalypse-crime-spree-scavenger-hunt-video-game-that-everyone-wants-so-it-keeps-selling-out – please.”

“That’s… a birthday-tier gift, darling.  Valentine’s Day is just cheap little quick-gifts, or marriage proposals.”

“Oh.  A pack of gum, then.”

“So romantic.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “I have a great idea for Valentine’s Day this year!”

“Awesome!  What is it?”

“Well, since it’s sort-of by a weekend again this year, we should pack our bags and fly out to ----- on Friday and do a whole romantic getaway there!  Whaddya say?”

“I’d say, isn’t that where the Super Bowl’s playing at the exact same time?”

“…What an amazing coincidence!”

“I’ll bet.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “You get me anything for Valentine’s Day this year?”

“Nah; you get me anything?”

“Nope.”

“Good – save our money for the heating bill.”

“Nice.  I always knew we were compatible.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Here: I know every year you always say we shouldn’t exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day, but every year we get each other something anyway.”

“Aw, thanks!  I actually did pick you up a little something – ”

“Knew it!  Let’s see... aw, babe, the deed to the world’s oil reserves, you shouldn’t have!”

“Oh, shush, you; like I said, just a little something.  And mine is… an all-inclusive trip to the Andromeda Galaxy!  Babe, what a nice little jaunt that’ll be!”

“Well, you know, it’s Valentine’s Day – no need to go all out.”