Story 639: Summer Solstice Slump

            “You know what I realized that’s getting me a little down?”

“No, what’s that?”

“I waited so long for summer this year.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, this past winter, swe actually had blizzards and everything for once, and it was so, so cold for so long.”

“Yeah?”

“And it was night for two-thirds of the day for six months.”

“Yeah?”

“And I slept for more hours than I went outside for nine months.”

“Yeah?”

“And did I mention it was so cold for so long?”

“Yeah.”

“OK, so now, it’s here.”

“Yeah?”

“Summer.  At long last.  So much Sun, so much warmth, so much time.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, it’s the same amount of time each day, but it feels like more time, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“And then it hit me.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s going the other way now.”

“Yeah – what?”

“Summer Solstice.  First day of summer.  June 21 in this half of the globe.”

“Yeah?”

“I used to look forward to it every year because it’s the start of summer, the beginning of everything good and fun and awesome and relaxing and wonderful.”

“Yeah?”

“And this year I suddenly realized: it’s not really the beginning of the beginning, it’s actually the beginning of the end.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, if Winter Solstice is that happy moment where we start gaining one minute of sunshine each day, then the horrible opposite must be true.”

“Yeah?”

“With Summer Solstice, with lose one minute of sunshine each day.”

“Yeah?  Oh, yeah.”

“Which means, every day of what I thought was amazing summer actually is getting shorter and shorter and shorter with every passing tilt of the planet on its axis!”

“Yeah?”

“It’s spring that’s the sunshine-gainer!  But it rains for almost the entire time, and then we don’t get the awesome weather and the liberating release from school into fun and vacations and parties until the end of it!”

“You haven’t been to school in decades.”

“Not the point!”

“Yeah?”

“Every moment, summer is slipping away from us, and the cruel irony is that we think we’re deep in the heart of it!  It’s so unfair!”

“Yeah?”

“Why does everything good seem to happen when it’s on its way out the door?”

“That’s life, I suppose.”

“That’s a weak argument for an intolerable situation.”

“Well, what can I tell you: it’s always been this way, and you have practically two whole months of not even noticing the earlier sunsets, so if that isn’t summer, then I don’t know what is.”

“Twenty-four-hour sunlight and constant hot weather.”

“I suggest you move to Venus, then.”

“Oh ha-ha; I’m being serious.”

“So am I.”

“I just want a whole season’s worth of constant sunshine to tide me over into the deep freeze with weird warm days thrown in there and the long nights of horrible, horrible late-fall, all-of-winter, and half of spring.”

“Well, even though we’re at the beginning of the end, it’s still light out after 9 p.m., so that’s something in the plus column for you.”

“…I’ll take it.”

Story 602: Labor Day = End of Summer Fun

 SUNDAY, AUGUST 24

 (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a very uneven moderate-level trail)

Friend 2: (Pointing to a branching trail) Hey, want to try that one out this time?

Friend 1: (Glances briefly at a trail map) Nah, it leads to the main road, and also’ll take forever to get back to the parking lot; neither scenario I want to deal with, ever.

Friend 2: Oh.  OK.

Friend 1: Feel free to do it without me, though.

Friend 2: (Mildly sarcastic) Maybe another time, thanks.

Friend 1: (Completely serious) But of course.

(They walk for a few minutes in silence)

Friend 2: I can’t believe next week’s September already.

Friend 1: (Through gritted teeth) Don’t remind me.

Friend 2: I can’t believe next Monday is Labor Day.

Friend 1: As.  I.  Said.

Friend 2: Do you have off this year?

Friend 1: (Unclenches teeth) Shockingly, yes.  I think my manager either feels sorry for me working almost every holiday for years and is finally trying to make up for it, or just forgot to put me on that day.

Friend 2: That’s great!  I’d say we should meet up, but I’ll be away with my family for a really-late summer vacation that weekend – do you have any plans?

Friend 1: Nope: I try to make as few of my fellow workers as possible work on Labor Day.

Friend 2: Aw, that’s sweet.

Friend 1: Patronizing bourgeoisie.

Friend 2: So, you just going to relax at home all day?

Friend 1: Probably, in-between mourning summer’s passing.  I’d invite you to the funeral, but it seems you’re already booked.

Friend 2: Summer’s still around for another month.

Friend 1: No, summer is over with Labor Day.  If you haven’t noticed, Back-To-School is everywhere!

Friend 2: We don’t go to school anymore.

Friend 1: And yet, the sadness and anxiety of leaving summer fun behind and facing almost 10 months of judgment for almost 20 years remains.  You don’t get over something like that.

Friend 2: Well, I sure did – present everyday work anxiety is enough for me to not revisit past ones.  Besides, I thought you liked fall, and apple picking, and Halloween –

Friend 1: (Stops and turns on Friend 2) Don’t say the “H” world before September, I won’t stand for it!

Friend 2: (Continues walking as Friend 1 follows again) Jeez.  That’s everywhere now too, in case you haven’t noticed.

Friend 1: I regretfully have.  And I do like all that stuff, in their proper place and not encroaching on my days of lemonade and flip-flops.

Friend 2: Well, we’ve still got a whole week of August left for all that.

Friend 1: (Stops walking again; Friend 2 also stops) Do we?  Let’s examine the evidence.  (Briefly spreads arms out wide to take in the sky) For instance: this light… is all wrong.

Friend 2: (Looks around) It’s afternoon.

Friend 1: It’s fall light.  The angle’s all wrong for a summer day, and lately sunset is way too early for my liking.

Friend 2: It’s not completely dark until 8:00.

Friend 1: I prefer 9.  And what about that sudden, creeping chill in the air, hm?  Hm??!!

Friend 2: (Starts walking again; Friend 1 also starts again) Whatever: go to a beach or a pool or lie in the shade doing nothing, just please have fun on your last summer day that you actually don’t have to work, all right?

Friend 1: No promises. 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 

(On a beach, Friend 2 relaxes in a chair facing the waves and surrounded by other chairs, umbrellas, several family members playing in the sand, employees removing their companies’ chairs and umbrellas, lifeguards whistling and yelling at swimmers not to go near the rocks, and seagulls stealing junk food they really should not be eating, then takes out a cellphone and places a call)

Friend 1: (Answers while lying on a beach chair in the grass somewhere) I thought you were on a vacation getaway with the fam.

Friend 2: I am – figured while we’re at the beach one last time, I’d check in on how you’re doing on this glorious summer’s day.

Friend 1: Cute.  Well, you’ll be happy to know I sort-of took your advice and am currently lounging near the shore of a local pond, watching the ducks swimming nowhere fast, reading my book, sipping my lemonade, and otherwise doing absolutely nothing.

Friend 2: (Sniffs exaggeratedly) I’m so proud of you.

Friend 1: I’m also doing my utmost best not to remember that Labor Day is the absolute earliest it can ever be on September 1 this year – (Friend 2 ends the call; Friend 1 sets down the phone and sips some lemonade while watching the ducks swim by) You’re right: no point in both of us being bummed out.

Story 565: Raking the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves

 SUNDAY MORNING

           (Homeowner 1 opens the front door of a house, takes in a deep breath of the crisp autumn air, and exhales with a smile)

Homeowner 1: (Partially turning to yell indoors) Honey?

Homeowner 2: (From somewhere deep inside the house) Yeah?

Homeowner 1: I’m gonna go rake the leaves!

Homeowner 2: All right, have fun.  Oh, could you also make sure the gutters are cleared out before you stop for the day, please?  I don’t want a repeat of last year.

Homeowner 1: Consider it done!  (Exits the house, grabs a sturdy rake, several large brown paper bags, and a garbage can, and hauls them to the edge of the leaf-carpeted lawn) At last we meet on the field of battle.  (Looks up at one of the trees on the lawn that still has leaves clinging to the branches, and shakes a fist at it in defiance) Do your worst, foul fiend!

Tree 1: <Buffoon.  Humans always make more work for themselves when if they had just let Nature take its course, this would all be fine for the ground and gone by spring.>

Tree 2: (Across the lawn) <Well, we all know that most of them are lacking the basic instructions on planet stewardship, so we really can’t expect much intuitive knowledge on that front now can we?>

Tree 1: <I suppose not.>

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, speaking to the fallen leaves) You will not defeat me!

Tree 1: <They certainly are entertaining, though.>

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Still raking frantically, in a different section of the front lawn) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: I paid all the bills and made an apple pie – you wanna take a break and have lunch or something?

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to wipe sweat from brow) Nope!  Thanks, but I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Glances over at the growing leaf pile) Maybe you should start bagging those.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses again to look at the pile that is almost at eye level, then shakes head) Later – I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: All right, then.  (Closes the front door) Whatever floats your boat.  (Goes into the kitchen and digs into the pie).

(Homeowner 1 continues to rake frantically at a steady pace as three neighborhood kids pull up to the curb on their bikes)

Kid 1: Hey, nice leaf pile.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly) Thank you!  (Resumes raking)

Kid 2: You mind if we jump in it?

Homeowner 1: (Without stopping) Go right ahead!  (Gestures to the opposite side of the large pile) Plenty of room for you all to romp!

Kid 3: Awesome!

(As they dismount, Kid 1 whistles and waves toward the end of the street; about 20 more kids ride up and dismount, and they all jump into the huge pile at different levels)

Kid 4: (Partially climbs up Tree 2 to jump onto the top of the pile) YIPPEE!  [WHOMP]

Tree 2: <I feel like I should be insulted, but no harm done I suppose.>

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to beam over the spectacle) And just like that, I’ve become the cool neighbor.  (Doubles the raking speed)

SUNDAY EVENING

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, now on the far side of the lawn; the neighborhood kids have long since left, and the Sun is setting) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: You wanna come in for dinner?

Homeowner 1: I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: You’ll have raked the entire neighborhood at this rate.

Homeowner 1: (Stops to look at the pile, which is now 10 feet tall and 7 feet wide) Are you kidding?  This is just from the trees on our lawn, not even counting the imports – I never knew they could shed so much, and there’s still more up there!  (Resumes raking)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh-heh.>

Homeowner 2: Well, make sure you come in some time tonight, then.

Homeowner 1: I still gotta do the gutters after this!

Homeowner 2: The gutters can wait.

Homeowner 1: Oh good, `cause I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Sighs) Good night.  (Closes the front door)

Homeowner 1: (Intensely focused on raking; mutters to the leaves) I have you now….

SATURDAY MORNING

(Several news vans, reporters, crews, and neighbors mass around the front of Homeowner 1’s and 2’s property, surrounding the centerpiece that is the gigantic leaf pile in the center of the lawn)

Reporter: (Addressing a camera over the sound of a nearby leaf blower and in front of kids lined up to jump onto and into the leaf pile) We’re coming to you live from Smalltown, USA, where behind me you can see what could possibly be the new record holder for the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves at an astounding – (Is handed a piece of paper from a crew member, who also is holding a large ruler) 55 feet and 10 inches high, 21 feet and 3 inches wide, and growing.  My goodness.

(The camera swings over to Homeowner 1, who is raking frantically from the backyard to the front as Homeowner 2 watches helplessly)

Homeowner 1: (To Homeowner 2) You know there’re always more back here!  (Rakes uninterrupted)

Reporter: (To the camera as Homeowner 2 approaches the news crew) We have been unable to speak just yet with the homeowner now known affectionately as “The Raker” due to the work in progress, but perhaps we can get an interview with the other party on the scene.  (To Homeowner 2) Excuse me, could we have a few words for the viewers at home?

Homeowner 2: Sure.  Normally I’d cuss you all out for invasion of privacy and say you’re just encouraging him, but I don’t think he even noticed you’re here so go ahead.

Reporter: Thank you.  Tell me, do you think an end is in sight soon for this amazing pile of arboreal detritus, or will it continue to grow indefinitely until it has consumed the entire neighborhood, and possibly beyond?

Homeowner 2: I don’t know what to think anymore!  I want my lawn back!  (Is distracted by the leaf blower increasing in volume; turns along with the camera to see a neighbor blowing leaves from an adjoining property onto theirs and smiling) WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT??!!  (The neighbor skedaddles; turns with the camera back to Reporter) You see what I mean?!  Between stuff like that, kids jumping in and out of the pile at all hours of the day and night, and all sorts of creatures deciding this is a condominium built just them, I curse the day that pile was first created, you hear me, I curse it!

Reporter: (Nods in sympathy) Understandable.  And your concerns for The Raker?

Homeowner 2: He started this nightmare – he can finish it!  I’m moving!  (Runs back into the house and slams the front door)

Reporter: (Turns back to the camera as Homeowner 1 dumps a mini-pile onto the main attraction) There you have it, folks: dedication, or obsession?  You decide.  (Notices that Homeowner 1 has returned to the front lawn) Ooh, let’s see if we can get a quote from the source.  (Reporter and the camera approach Homeowner 1) Excuse me!  (Homeowner 1 briefly looks up, then resumes raking frantically I was wondering if there was anything you’d like to say on the record regarding your… endeavor?

Homeowner 1: (Eyes blazing with fervor, rakes even faster) I’M ON A ROLL!

Reporter: (Back to the camera as raking, pile-jumping, and Homeowner 2-leaving continue in the background) “On a roll”, indeed.  Thank you for joining us today, and after what we’ve just witnessed, please: Rake Responsibly.

Story 553: Laboring on Labor Day

             “Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh….”

“What are you all stretched out smugly on the couch for?”

“Oh, just reveling in the fact that for the first time in more than 10 years, I get Labor Day off from work.  The actual day, mind you – not some pity day later in the week when fall has unofficially started, no: the actual day.  The last day of lifeguarded pools and beaches is mine, all mine, mwahahahahaha!”

“We already agreed to host Labor Day barbecue at our house this year.”

“…Drat.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *       

            “You know, it’s a real bummer that no matter what the holiday, some of us still have to clock in like it’s a regular ol’ work day.  I made my peace years ago with losing Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Memorial Day, Juneteenth, Fourth of July, my birthday, my partner’s birthday, my children’s birthdays, and World Chocolate Day, but losing Labor Day on top of all those especially sticks in my craw for some reason.  I think it’s the irony of the whole situation, that even on a day specifically designated to give laborers a break, some of us still have to work regardless, or else life as we know it falls apart.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop being bitter about it.”

“Mm-hmm: will you be closing up the incision on this patient now, Doctor, or would you like me to do it?”

“Nah, I got it.  Livin’ the dream, am-I-right?!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I can’t believe I have to spend Labor Day helping people with trying on every piece of clothing we have in the store, and then cleaning up the disgusting messes they leave behind that somehow are more than they brought in with them, plus trying to set up autumn and Halloween displays in-between policing the dressing rooms and the even-filthier restrooms, when I could be relaxing on a deck chair next to an inground pool while barbecue sizzles behind me and impish children roughhouse around me.  It’s just not fair.”

“I thought you weren’t invited to any barbecues this year – that’s why you volunteered to work on Labor Day in the first place?”

“It’s the principle of the thing!”

             *         *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I’ve finally made it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I finally have a job that actually gives us Labor Day off.”

“That’s great!  You’ve been wanting that for years, and it’s happened at last!  Congratulations on the paid holiday!”

“Thanks!”

“So, what’re your big plans for your well-deserved three-day weekend, so long overdue?  It’s the last unofficial day of summer – you can do anything you want, absolutely anything!”

“You’re right!  The world is my oyster, and I can seize the entire day until it’s completely dried up!”

“Exactly!  What adventures will you embark on joyously that day, then?”

“…I have no idea.”

Story 510: And the Rains Came

“I love autumn!”

“You do?”

“Oh yes: the colorful leaves, the crisp cool weather, the mums and pumpkins all out on cheerful display – ”

“HA!”

“…I fail to perceive the cause for that outburst.”

“Where have you been the past 20 years?!  We don’t get autumn anymore!”

“We don’t?”

“No!  We get Summer 2.0 and then the Rainy Season, often interchangeably, up to and including winter.”

“But we still get all the stuff I mentioned.”

“Barely!  The leaves don’t noticeably change until November; the weather skips crisp-cool and instead does blazing-freezing; we’re lucky the mums make it to September and the actual start of autumn before they burn up; and the pumpkins are regularly imported due to the rot from the constant rain, rain, rain!”

“Rain’s not all that bad; it’s not as if we have to deal with monsoons every year like some places.”

“You’re right, it isn’t all that bad: the times when it stops once a week and you don’t have to swim to get out of the house, it’s just fine!”

“Well, we’re lucky our area didn’t get hit with the hurricanes this year.”

“That we are; not so lucky are all the other places that did get hit, multiple times.”

“What about the areas suffering from drought and wildfires?”

“All the more reason that it’s so awful we get excess when those places are the ones that need at least their share!”

“I guess.  Still, I like all the decorations that are out for Halloween and autumn in general, those are always fun.”

“When they’re not being swept away down the rising river that used to be the street, sure.”

“All right, so the autumn I’m visualizing is more of the autumn we used to get before the Earth started taking revenge on us; I’ll still enjoy what’s out there, in-between the raindrops.”

“That’s a great attitude, considering the heavens just opened up again for Round 300 and last I heard this downpour won’t end until later in the month at the earliest.”

“Well, it could always be worse.”

“How so?”

“Could be snow.”

Story 509: Off-Season Day at the Beach

(At a sparsely-populated beach on an extremely overcast day, Friend 1 trundles along a cart of supplies to a spot just above the continental shelf, then sets up a chair, towels, and large umbrella in ever-strengthening wind before stretching out on the chair with a book and a sigh)

Friend 1: So peaceful…. (Phone rings; Friend 1 digs through a huge bag of stuff to answer it) Mm-hello?

Friend 2: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to start pouring rain there in less than an hour, right?

Friend 1: (Dons a pair of sunglasses) I choose to spend the last day of summer wringing every ounce of joy out of the primary place I associate with the season, yes.

Friend 2: Fall started around 3 a.m. this morning – last day of summer was yesterday.

Friend 1: Oh.  I thought it was sunset today?

Friend 2: Nope.

Friend 1: Drat.  Well, I had to work yesterday so I wouldn’t’ve been able to come here anyway.  This will be the last observed day of summer, then.

Friend 2: Suit yourself – don’t go swimming since there’re no lifeguards, and even if you just dip your toes in, watch out for the riptides.

Friend 1: Know what?  You’re really harshing my mellow, good-bye.  (Moves to end the call)

Friend 2: And still put on sunscreen – (Call is disconnected)

Friend 1: (Dumps the phone into the bag and ratchets the chair back another notch) Now, where were we…?  (Begins to doze off)

(Surfers drift over through the waves in Friend 1’s view, hovering in that area and continuously getting wiped out)

Surfers: Again!

(A lone lifeguard patrols the beach, blowing the whistle at everyone knee-deep and higher in the water)

Lifeguard: (Several feet away from Friend 1, tweets long and loud and points at a swimmer who is several waves away from the shore) YOU!  OUT!

Swimmer: (Paddles over) But I thought the swimmer on the flags meant we could swim here!

Lifeguard: There’s a line right through it!  And it’s red!  And summer’s over!  And there are no lifeguard stations spaced at regular intervals anywhere!  Or lifeguards!  Is this your first day ever on a beach?!

Swimmer: (Finally out of the water) If there are no lifeguards, who are you, then?

Lifeguard: The remnant left to scoop up twits like you!  (Sees the surfers and blows the whistle at them) ALL OF YOU!  SKEDADDLE!  AND RIGHT BY THE ROCKS, NO LESS!  EVERYONE HERE WANTS TO BE LOST AT SEA, I JUST KNOW IT!

Surfers: Chill, fellow beach lover!

(The shouting match drifts inland as the surfers follow the lifeguard away from the water; in the now-empty space, four terns land by Friend 1)

Friend 1: No food – shoo.

Tern 1: (Cackles wildly) <We can smellllll itttttt….>

Tern 2: (Hops closer to Friend 1’s huge bag) <Let me at it – Let me at it – >

(A huge seagull then lands heavily right where Tern 1 is standing, bumping the latter off to the side)

Seagull: <Outta my way, pipsqueak; I want that spot.>

Tern 1: <Oh come on, you have literally the entire beach to stand on!>

Seagull: <Yeah, and I wanna stand here.  Whatcha gonna do about it, huh, wee one?>

Tern 1: <Well, as you may not have noticed, right now there is only one of you, and about 15 and counting of us.>

Seagull: (Side-eyes the growing number of terns landing in a surrounding circle) < …Spot just got boring.>  (Flies off as terns give a battle cry and fly in pursuit)

Friend 1: (Takes out a sandwich) Final–

(A human couple who had been strolling hand-in-hand along the water stop in front of Friend 1’s view; one turns to the other, drops to one knee, and holds up an open ring box while the other immediately bursts into tears)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Friend 1: (In mid-chew) No!  None of that mush right in my sightline of the ocean!  Move along 50 feet to one side or the other, as long as it’s out of my radius!

Proposee: But we need a witness to our magical moment!

Friend 1: (Points to the water) There’s a dolphin over there who I’m sure is more than happy to oblige!

(The two briskly trot to another spot 50 feet away and resume their previous positions)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Proposee: Yes-yes-just-give-me-the-ring-and-you!

Friend 1: (Resumes eating) If I’d wanted a rom-com, I’d’ve brought a TV with me.

(A beachgoer with a metal detector crosses in front of Friend 1, stops suddenly when the detector starts making a lot of noise, throws it aside, and begins shoveling wildly)

Beachgoer: This is it!  I just know it!

Friend 1: No it isn’t!  Decamp!

Beachgoer: (Still shoveling, now in a large hole) But the mother lode is right here!  The detector never lies!

Lifeguard: (Runs over, blowing the whistle shrilly) Hey!  There’s no digging on the beach unless you’re making an impermanent sand castle!

Beachgoer: (Now only head and shoulders above the sand, still shoveling) This isn’t digging, it’s excavating!

Lifeguard: That’s even worse!

Beach Patrol Officer: (Appeared on the scene in the meantime; to Beachgoer) Stop what you’re doing and get out of there now.

Beachgoer: (Strikes something hard at the bottom of the hole) Ooh, I’ve reached buried treasure at last!  (Raises a metal box aloft just in time for Beach Patrol Officer to slap on a pair of handcuffs, then hoist Beachgoer out of the hole with Lifeguard’s assistance)

Lifeguard: (Releases Beachgoer, then stares down at the massive hole) I hope this is an easy fix – I’d hate to see the beach preservation society members start crying again.

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box and trying not to be moved along by Beach Patrol Officer) Wait, I have to know what’s inside!

Beach Patrol Officer: Stolen property, that’s what.

(The two begin a tug-of-war over the box until the terns return very noisily to dive-bomb it)

Terns: <Food!  Food!  Food!  Food!>

Seagull: (Swoops in to knock away a few terns) <Gimme!>

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box as Beach Patrol Officer and Lifeguard try to shoo away the birds) Thieves!  Finders keepers, that’s the rule!

Friend 1: (Stares through everyone to the ocean beyond as the battle rages on with sand being kicked all around and wings and legs and arms flying all over the place while the human yelling and the bird screaming increase in pitch ever higher as the pouring rain begins) So…peaceful….