Story 368: (Accidentally) Sending Inappropriate Holiday Cards

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a tuna fish sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Hey, everything OK?

Friend 1: Do you know what date it is?!

Friend 2: Uhhh, yeah, it’s November 30.

Friend 1: (Shoving a supermarket cart down the greeting card aisle; the phone is wedged between a shoulder and an ear) Exactly!  Thanksgiving was so late this year that I have not bought, let alone mailed, one season’s greetings card yet!  Not!  One!

Friend 2: (Resumes sandwich) Relax, there’s plenty of time.

Friend 1: I have no time!

Friend 2: But there’s still almost a whole month until Christmas and Kwanzaa, and it’s even almost two weeks until Hanukkah starts –

Friend 1: I HAVE NO TIME!

Friend 2: Whatever.  Then what are you calling me for?

Friend 1: I need someone who’d understand what I’m going through right now!

Friend 2: Let me know when you find one.  (Disconnects the call and closes eyes while enjoying the rest of the sandwich)

Friend 1: (“Gaaah”s while tossing the phone into the shopping cart, then faces the rows of cards with all the December and early January holidays.  Frantically scans the tab headings while muttering) No time – no time – no time – no time – (Finally sweeps a whole swath of cards and plastic holders into the cart and races to the cash registers at the front of the store) Why must I be burdened with so many loving family and friends?!

 ONE WEEK LATER

            (Friend 1 is relaxing on the living room couch watching a movie)

         Friend 1: Heh-heh, silly audience-insert character – don’t you know the protagonist is really explaining the whole situation to us?  (Pauses the movie to answer the ringing phone) Yo – `sup?

Friend 2: Glad to hear you suddenly have all the time in the world.

Friend 1: What’re you talking about?

Friend 2: Never mind; listen, were you paying attention when you were hysterically mailing all those cards you just had to get at the end of last month?

Friend 1: Last mon – oh, you mean last week.

Friend 2: Still was last month – you had that much time.

Friend 1: Fine, yeah, I kept track of what I sent out; why, you got yours already?

Friend 2: Oh, I sure did.

Friend 1: Great!

Friend 2: And I ain’t your grandkid.

Friend 1: …What’s that?

Friend 2: You sent me a card that said “Happy Hanukkah to My Beloved Grandchild.”

Friend 1: Odd….

Friend 2: What’s even odder is that you handwrote my name inside and called me “Bestie.”

Friend 1: Interesting….

Friend 2: Thanks anyway for the thought, but you might get a few more phone calls like this.  (Disconnects)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto the couch and resumes the movie) Probably a fluke.

(Several states away, Friend 1’s Grandparent opens a card from Friend 1)

Grandparent: (Reads) “Merry Christmas to the Best Teacher I Ever Had.  A+!”  Oh dear, I think that child has lost it.  Bound to happen with this family.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s parents open their card)

Dad: (Reads) “Season’s Greetings to the World’s Best Boss, From All of Us in the Office!”  Wow.

Mom: What disturbs me most is that “Mom and Dad” are handwritten inside.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Aunt opens a card)

Aunt: (Reads) “Mazel Tov on Your Bar Mitzvah!”  I don’t even know where to start.

(Several towns away, Friend 3 opens a card)

Friend 3: (Reads) “Happy Kwanzaa to You and Yours!”  Aw, that’s nice.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Cousin opens a card)

Cousin: (Reads) “Every Christmas Married to You Reminds Me Miracles Really Do Come True”….  Did I miss something?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Yes, how can I help you today?

Friend 1: (Soaking feet in a home pedicure tub) So yeah, a whole bunch of people called, but I am not doing this again.

Friend 2: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 1: The thing with the cards!

Friend 2: Oh, that.  Well, that’s what you get when you rush, especially when it seems you didn’t even have to.

Friend 1: I must say, there was one recipient who did get a holiday- and relationship-appropriate card from me.

Friend 2: Congratulations: a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Friend 1: Scorn away – I will triumph.

Friend 2: In what?  It’s over!

Friend 1: In next year.  I’ll send all my cards in August, and we’ll see who’s confused then!

Friend 2: Pretty much everyone, I’d imagine.

Story 320: Driving Accident-Free During the Holidays Through the Power of Music

            (Commercial)

          Narrator: (Voiceover) Ah, December.  The most wonderful time of the year, as the saying goes.  Do you spend most of it like this?  (Cut to five-lane bumper-to-bumper traffic, both directions) Or like this?  (Cut to a line of cars stuck behind one very slow car) Or like this?  (Cut to two cars simultaneously reversing out of spots in a strip mall parking lot and rear-ending each other)

            Driver 1: (Shaking fist out of the window) Look where you’re going, moron!

            Driver 2: (Shaking middle finger out of the window while driving away, leaving behind a trail of car parts) Merry Christmas, ------!

            Driver 1: I don’t think that season’s greeting was entirely genuine.

         Narrator: (Voiceover) Or like this?  (Cut to cars swerving in and out of the lane during a blizzard)

            Driver 3: (Sticking head out of the window) On Dasher!  On Dancer!  On all the rest, whee!

            Driver 4: (Veering off the road) Weirdo!

           Narrator: (Appears on-screen) Well, fret no more, my children: we here at radio station WNAP are here to answer your previously unknown prayers.  Granted, we can’t take away the traffic – or the snow – or the black ice – or the never-ending construction – or the messed-up roads – or the terrible drivers who should have their licenses taken away – BUT, we can make all those things basically irrelevant.  Allow me to demonstrate.  (Walks over to a car, which has an actor simulating driving)

          Actor Driver: (Speaking to an invisible car in front) Press the gas, I know you can do it, I believe in you, gaaarrggghhh!!!  (Slams head onto the steering wheel)

           Narrator: Now, observe the same subject as the environment is altered.  (Leans in through the passenger side window and turns on the radio; gentle Beethoven is heard)

        Actor Driver: (Blaring the horn) Move over, for the love of – oooooohhhhhh….. (Immediately relaxes, eyes glazing over a bit; the grip on the steering wheel lets up)

          Narrator: That’s right, folks: it isn’t medication, it’s not magic, just plain old sympathetic resonance.  Let’s try this out in the field, hm? 

            (Footage from a dashboard cam that is facing the driver)

            Driver 5: (Steering erratically) Grrrr…. (Jabs a button on the center console; soft sitar music is heard) Sighhhh…. (Leans back and begins steering serenely, smoothly and safely changing lanes and then stopping with patience as a crash, car horns, and yelling voices are heard) What a beautiful day.

            Narrator: (In an empty room) But don’t take my word for it: try it yourself the next time you feel your blood boiling as every vehicle on the road seems to go out of its way to torment you.  And almost any musical genre will do, as long as it’s around 60 beats per minute.  Go ahead: feel your heart literally slow down to match as the chaos besieging you on every side no longer seems to matter!  And to top it all off, your driving actually IMPROVES because there’s something running interference between you and the world, and you are now able to take everything in rather than focus on just your own stress and the jerk in front of you.  It truly is the Season of Miracles!

            (Cut to Driver 6, talking to the camera soothingly while driving breezily; Buddhist chants are playing over the speakers]

            Driver 6: I used to dread this time of year, averaging one accident per every five trips – now, I simply glide on and off highways, swim through parking lots, and plow over inches of snow, and I owe it all to the car radio.  Thanks, WNAP!

            Narrator: Thanks to you, our loyal listeners.  And don’t forget: subscribe to us online, and you can then take us wherever you go!  This will come in especially handy as you stand on the hour-long line waiting to buy that one gift for an unappreciative recipient.  Happy Holidays from all of us at WNAP, and keep on gently listening all year long!

           (Cut to a customer standing on line and wearing headphones, listening to string music, and sporting a beatific smile – the camera pulls back to show they are surrounded by people yelling, kids making messes all over with the store’s own merchandise, babies crying, and employees holding their heads and screaming, all of which gradually is drowned out by the swelling strings and the fade to black)

Story 319: I Lost Track of Which Holiday Cards I Sent

            Friend 1: (Sitting at a kitchen table surrounded by boxes of cards, address labels, stamps, and an address book) So, if I calculated this correctly, I can use just the cards from all these boxes from the past two years and not have to spend a dime on a single new card this year!  (Goes to work writing names, semi-personalized messages, and addresses, then labeling, stamping, and sealing; an hour and a half later) I did it?  All the cards are ready to go, and we didn’t even reach double-digits in the month yet?  My work is done, and this is now the post office’s problem, ahahahahaha!  (Raises arms in victory, then looks around the kitchen) Wait, who am I talking to?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (In a supermarket)

          Friend 1: (Shoving a shopping cart down an aisle) Grumble-grumble-work parties, grumble-grumble-why do I get stuck with cupcakes every year, grumble-grumble-grumble-next time maybe I shouldn’t volunteer to make them, grumble-grumble-grumble-

           Friend 2: (Rounding a corner with a shopping cart and almost crashing into Friend 1) Oh, hey!  How’ve you been?

            Friend 1: Miserable.  How’ve you been?

            Friend 2: Wishing I was home and not here, but you know, food.

            Friend 1: Yeah.  Necessary evil.

            Friend 2: Oh, by the way, thanks for the card!  Happy Hanukkah to you, too!

            Friend 1: Uhhh, thanks?  Did you convert?

         Friend 2: No, I thought you were just getting into the spirit of the season and celebrating everything this year.

            Friend 1: What are you – ohhhh, I sent you the wrong holiday.

           Friend 2: No worries; it makes me appreciate the spiritual side of the season more.  I tend to get too focused on the commercialism of it all, know-what-I-mean?

           Friend 1: No, now I’m mad, I thought I checked who I sending what to, and now this means I probably sent somebody who doesn’t celebrate anything remotely religious a baby Jesus card, and now I’m mad!

          Friend 2: I’m sure everybody’s fine with it – we’re all running around like we’ve lost our minds this time of year anyway, and it’s the thought that counts.

            Friend 1: Not to me, it doesn’t!  I demand accuracy!

            Friend 2: (Sighs and begins to leave) Enjoy your holidays.

            Friend 1: Yeah, you too.

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Hi, how’s everything?

         Uncle: (On the phone) Oh, same old: back’s acting up again, closed on the house yesterday, haven’t even started shopping –

            Friend 1: That’s great – listen, did you get a card from me yet?

           Uncle: Oh yes, thank you very much for that!  You should get mine before Christmas – I’m a little behind this year, what with the move –

          Friend 1: Quick question: was it an actual Christmas or general yuletide/wintery-themed card you got?

          Uncle: Umm, I think so, let me check.... (Sound of rustling) Yes, it’s got a bunch of animals and snow on it.  Why do you ask?

         Friend 1: Oh good – I had a bit of a mix-up this year and seem to have sent out somewhat mismatching cards to people.

           Uncle: (Chuckles) Oh, that’s fine: you know, it actually matches the card you sent me last year.

           Friend 1: …What?

           Uncle: Yeah, I have everything out while I’m packing up the place, and I’d kept the cards I got last year, and you’d sent me the same nice card then, I love it!

           Friend 1: …WHAT?!

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 3: (On the phone) Hi, what’s up?

            Friend 1: (On the phone) I’ll be blunt: the card you got from me this year, is it the same as the one I sent you last year, or for a holiday you don’t actually celebrate?

          Friend 3: Oh, heh-heh, you know, I thought it looked familiar.... (Sound of rustling) Yes, I remember that clownish snowball.  Guess you figured it fit my personality, huh?

            Friend 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

THE NEXT DAY

           Friend 4: (To Friend 1, passing on the street) Hi!  I got your card – Happy Kwanzaa to you, too!  I never celebrated it before, but this made me go out and learn more about it, thanks! 

            Friend 1: Glad to help.

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 5: (On the phone) Hi!  I got your card – Merry Christmas to you, too!

            Friend 1: Thanks.  I take it this means you didn’t get the Hanukkah card I thought I sent you.

            Friend 5: No, but I figured it was love all, celebrate all!

           Friend 1: That’s it: next year, I’m buying 1,000 copies of the same “Happy Holidays” card and that’s all I’ll send forever and ever.

           Friend 5: We’ll take that, too.  And if you send it by e-mail, you’ll save on postage!

           Friend 1: Where’s the joy and goodwill and holiness of the season in that?!