Story 578: Last-Minute Gift Shopping

             (On a Sunday afternoon, Friend 1 stops alongside the living room couch, does a slight leap, and collapses onto it)

 Friend 1: (Closes eyes and full-body stretches) Ahhhhhh…. A day off from work, nothing to do, nowhere to be…. (Slowly re-opens eyes) Am I that boring?

(Cell phone vibrates with a received message; Friend 1 opens the phone and reads)

Message: COME CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS AND FAM!  IT’S NOT A MILESTONE I JUST WANT TO PAR-TAY WOOOOOOOO!!!!  MAIN STREET BANQUET HALL, MARCH 30, SIX PM UNTIL WHENEVER THEY KICK US OUT, BE THERE OR LIVE WITH THE ETERNAL REGRET LOSERS AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  RSVP BY TOMORROW, YOU ALREADY KNOW BY NOW IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS SO DON’T WASTE MY TIME!  AND BRING A GUEST!  BRING TWO GUESTS!  BRING ALL THE OK MOM I KNOW THE HALL ONLY HOLDS A SET AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BUT I WANT THIS SHINDIG TO BE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’!  SO YOU ALL BETTER SHOW UP WHEEEEE!!!!  YES MOTHER YOU ARE THE ONE PAYING FOR ALL THIS BUT IT’S STILL MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO INVITE THE WHOLE TOWN THEN BY THUNDER I’LL (Sent by voice-to-text feature)

Friend 1: Huh.  A birthday party.  Haven’t done one of those since… (Thinks back to grade school) a certain amount of time.  Eh, why not?  (Types response) “Thanks 4 the invite will be there w/guest C U then.”

Message: COOL BRING YOUR DANCING SHOES CAUSE I WANT THAT FLOOR ON FIRE!!!!!   PARTY ANIMAL OUT!

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Calls Friend 2) Hey-hey, doing anything on March 30?

Friend 2: (Paused while running on a park trail to take the call) Oh, you got the invite too?

Friend 1: The birthday party extravaganza?  Yeah – I guess the whole town really was invited.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  It’s a Sunday and nothing else is going on so I said I’d come with a guest.  Wanna come with me and I’ll drive us there?

Friend 1: But I already said I’d come with a guest and I was gonna ask you!

Friend 2: All right, so we’re going together then.

Friend 1: But we each said we’d bring a guest so now we gotta find two extra people to come with us!

Friend 2: No we don’t; we just write back saying never mind on the guests, we’re going together.

Friend 1: But that’s so embarrassing!

Friend 2: Seriously?  Hold on.  (Types and sends a message)  There.  All cleared up in less than a minute, you weirdo.

Friend 1: `K.  Thanks.  Sorry.

Friend 2: So, what were you thinking for a gift?

Friend 1: …Gift?

Friend 2: Yes.  It is a birthday party.

Friend 1: A little presumptuous to invite an entire town and then expect us all to fork over a contribution, don’t you think?  A party’s nothing without guests, so our presence should be sufficient presents, heh-heh.

Friend 2: Whatever; you’ve got over a month so I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And if all else fails: gift card.

Friend 1: (Sighs dramatically) Oh, the etiquette burdens we place on ourselves when this is supposed to be a fun time.

Friend 2: I know, the trials you endure – I’m going back to my run, bye.  (Ends the call and continues with the run)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone onto the couch, leans back, and closes eyes again) I refuse to let this ruin my lazy day.  We’ve got over a month?  Plenty of time…. (Dozes off)

MARCH 29

(Friend 2 is enjoying a pancake breakfast at home when the phone rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while reading the newspaper) Hi!  What’s up?

Friend 1: (A constant din of stressed people is in the background) You know when you have a looming deadline that you keep pushing off and pushing off because you have plenty of time, and then, suddenly, you don’t?

Friend 2: (Stops reading) Where are you?

Friend 1: (Surrounded by frantic shoppers in a warehouse store) Lost in the middle of Ultra Value Super Save Mart.  Now I remember why I don’t come here on Saturdays.  Or ever.

Friend 2: Are you telling me that you had all this time and you still haven’t gotten a gift for the party tomorrow?!

Friend 1: …Not in so many words.

Friend 2: Unbelievable!  You had more than a month!

Friend 1: Oh, and I suppose you went out and picked up a gift the day we got the invite, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Traitor.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not responsible for your lack of planning in… everything, but I’m going to be extremely generous and let you come in on it if you want.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I can’t do that; we got separate invites, I’d look like a total freeloader!

Friend 2: I don’t think anyone would notice, or care.

Friend 1: Of course they would, they all would!  I could never show my face in this town again!

Friend 2: Hardly anyone even knows anyone else in this town anymore.

Friend 1: They’d know this!  Oh, the shame of it all, the shame!

Friend 2: (Rubs temple with free hand) I think you’re going to give me a migraine if I keep listening to this – you want me to come over there and help you pick out something?

Friend 1: (Immediately calms down) Yes.

Friend 2: Give me half an hour.  And thanks for ruining my Saturday.  (Ends the call and finishes breakfast disgruntledly)

Friend 1: (Pockets the cell phone and returns to staring morosely at a display of bath towels) Apparently, it’s what I do….

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Friend 2: (Finds Friend 1 staring morosely at a display of bath mats, surrounded by shoppers continuously hustling and bustling) All right.  I’m here.  Any progress?

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2 with glazed eyes) I progressed from never wanting to have kids to never wanting to be around humans ever again.

Friend 2: That’s not news – any ideas for gifts yet?

Friend 1: Possibly: you think I could get away with sticking a bow on a kitchen trash can?

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 for a few moments) …No.

Friend 1: Then no.  (Turns back to the bath mats, barely flinching when an infant starts a new crying chain with the others throughout the entire store)

Friend 2: OK, how about a home spa kit or something?

Friend 1: (Turns back to Friend 2) Is that what you got?

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: Wouldn’t I be the little copycat, then.

Friend 2: Who cares?!  Get a gift receipt and it can be returned if there are duplicates; your job is done at that point!

Friend 1: If I cared that little about my self-worth, we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we?

Friend 2: You wouldn’t be in this situation, you mean.

Friend 1: Correct.

Friend 2: (Takes a calming breath) All right, instead of the full-out home spa, how about just a foot spa?

Friend 1: Ew.

Friend 2: Hat-gloves-scarf?

Friend 1: Don’t know the size or taste.  And winter’s shockingly almost over.

Friend 2: Carryall bag?

Friend 1: From what I remember, I doubt the guest of honor leaves the house much.

Friend 2: (Shrugs shoulders in exasperation) I don’t know; a first aid kit?!

Friend 1: (Looks up briefly to think on this) Hmmmm….

Friend 2: No, don’t seriously consider that one; you’re driving me nuts, you know that?!

Friend 1: Can’t be helped, unfortunately.

Friend 2: I’m going to say it again, then: gift.  Card.

Friend 1: (Lowers head) At last, I must admit defeat.  Lead on.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They make their way to the front of the store and find gift card displays)

Friend 2: (Gestures to a very large display filled with many companies’ cards) There you go: pick one.

Friend 1: (Reaches out to a card, then pulls back) No, don’t want to limit to one restaurant.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes ice cream cakes.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes clothes.

Friend 2: Arrrggghhhh!!!  (Grabs a generic credit card company gift card and slaps it onto Friend 1’s open hand) Here!  Now go pay for it and get us out of this place.

Friend 1: (Staring at the card, agog) But there’s an activation fee!

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1 by the coat collar and drags the latter to the cash register lines) I’ll pay the extra fee just to end this!

MARCH 30

(Friend 2 pulls into a parking spot at the banquet hall with Friend 1 in the passenger seat; loud music and sounds of revelers are heard pouring out the front door)

Friend 2: (As they both unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the car while holding their gifts) Well, I’m glad your ordeal is over and we can just enjoy ourselves now that the party’s finally here.

Friend 1: Yeah – let’s see if I’ve still got all my dance moves in me.

Friend 2: I’m almost afraid to find out.

(Inside the banquet hall, the whole town is eating, drinking, talking, dancing, and/or hiding in a corner; Friend 1 and Friend 2 find the Guest of Honor standing by the DJ station and zoom over there)

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Hi!  Happy Birthday!  (They simultaneously hold out their gifts)

Guest of Honor: (Turns and sees them) Oh hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  (Hugs them both fiercely as they hold the items out of the way) This is the best birthday ever, oooooooh!  (One last squeeze)

Friend 1: (As all three separate, holds out the gift again) Great-great; here-here.

Guest of Honor: Oh, you’re so sweet!  I feel bad telling everybody this: Mom wanted me to say “No Gifts” when I sent out the invite since she said everyone being here was enough or something like that, and I totally was going to but when I was finally doing the message I completely forgot to include that part, and now everybody’s coming in with gifts so I’m just telling them to please keep them for yourselves, they’re my “Thank You” for being here!  She’s putting up a banner now to let the rest know as they come in, at least.  (Gestures to a woman on a tall ladder attaching a banner overhead that reads “NO GIFTS!!!!!”; the woman glares at Guest of Honor and shakes her head; Guest of Honor waves at her) Love you!  (Back to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Anyway – so sweet of you.  (Briefly looks toward the front entrance) Oh, there’s more of the family – gotta run!  Make sure to have lots of crackers; we ordered way too many.  (Runs off to greet the new arrivals)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 still are staring at the space Guest of Honor had occupied)

Friend 1: (After a few moments) Soooo… never speak of this again?

Friend 2: That would be best.

Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Story 518: Post-Thanksgiving Lethargy

 EARLY THANKSGIVING WEEK

             Friend 2: (Answers a cell phone while working at an office desk) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: (On a cell phone in a department store break room) So, you’ll never guess what happened to me today!

Friend 2: You’re right, I won’t, so just tell me.

Friend 1: Well, it turns out for once in this… lovely store, too many people got scheduled to work on Black Friday so my manager asked me first if I wanted the day off since I’ve worked it for decades, so I jumped on that and now I don’t have to work that day!

Friend 2: Wow, that’s great, good for you.

Friend 1: I know, right?  I can scarcely believe it – the entire day after Thanksgiving, all to myself!  I don’t even know where to begin!

Friend 2: If you like, you can join my group this year as we go shopping for all the sales.

Friend 1: Heck no: you all get up at 3:00 in the morning after a holiday, and I’d also rather not spend my free time in the same type of place I already spend 40+ hours a week in, only now it would be 100 times worse with the holiday rush.  I’d actually rather still be working that day; at least then I’d be paid for the aggravation.

Friend 2: Figured I’d offer.  So, any idea what you’d like to do that day instead?

Friend 1: I don’t know; relax, for starters.

Friend 2: Definitely.

Friend 1: Maybe clean up the place a bit.

Friend 2: You?!

Friend 1: Cute.  Maybe go for a walk if it’s not too cold out.  Maybe go to the mountains, maybe the beach.  The possibilities are endless!

Friend 2: Well, whatever you wind up doing that day, have fun, and have a Happy Thanksgiving – I have to go back to work now.

Friend 1: Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!  (Ends the call and clutches the cell phone in glee) This is gonna be great!

 DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

 9:00 A.M.

(Friend 1 wakes up smiling, turns to an alarm clock that is not alarmed, and rolls back with eyes closed)

Friend 1: Just a few more minutes… not like I’m going anywhere….

10:00 A.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats breakfast in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-breakfast nap to aid the digestion….

12:00 NOON

Friend 1: …Maybe another five minutes….

2:00 P.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats lunch in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-lunch nap to aid the digestion... then I’ll start the day for sure….

5:00 P.M.

(Friend 1’s phone rings)

Friend 1: (Gropes around the bedside table in the darkening room to answer the phone) Mmmm-what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone while standing on a never-ending line in a department store) Did you get out of bed at all today?

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Of course I did.

Friend 2: Besides eating.

Friend 1: …Definite “out”.

Friend 2: Unbelievable – I swam upstream through several seas of humanity to finish my gift shopping for the next two years, and you’re lounging about doing absolutely nothing but sleep!

Friend 1: I’ll have you know, sleep is very important to one’s health and should not be neglected, and I needed extra of it to recover from yesterday.

Friend 2: Recover from what?!  Eating too much?!

Friend 1: And drying several dishes, along with one or two utensils, I might add.

Friend 2: Lazy!  You are a lazy, lazy lump!

Friend 1: I resent that!  This is the first Black Friday I’ve had off in over 20 years, and I’ll spend it however I darn well please!  Even if it’s spent in minimal-to-nil activity.

Friend 2: You’re right, I’m sorry – I shouldn’t be so judgmental, you work hard and you deserve to enjoy your day off however you like.

Friend 1: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Well, the group’s almost finished with our last store and then heading out to dinner, so maybe we’ll do lunch or something next weekend, OK?

Friend 1: (Leans forward) Ooh, since you’re still out shopping could you pick me up some wrapping paper and bows and gift bags and tags and ribbons and tape?... Hello?... (Holds out the phone and sees on the display that the call had ended; sets the phone onto the table and lies back on the bed) Maybe another five minutes….

Story 371: Do Your Last-Minute Gift Shopping in Bad Weather

(Snow is gently falling from the twilight sky – don’t be fooled, the flakes on the ground are hard as a rock and nearly a foot deep on grass and pavement alike.  Dad stands at the living room window, watching the accumulation outside with a maniacal smile)

Dad: (Softly) At last, the world is mine.  (Throws on a heavy coat, gloves, and boots and heads to the front door)  I’m goin’ out to do my Christmas shopping, bye!

Mom: (Curled up in an armchair, not looking up from the book she is reading) Gotta clean off the car and driveway first.

Dad: AREADY DID IT!  (The front door blows shut behind him)

Mom: (Looks up with a confused frown as squealing tires screech along the driveway and down the street) When?

(On the highway, Dad drives between 10 and 15 mph with both the defroster and the radio blasting)

Dad: “Jingle bells”…. (Swerve) “Silver bells”…. (Skid) “Just hear those sleigh bells”…. (Stutter-stop)…. “The bells of Christmas”.... (Swerve-skid) “The bells of St. Mary’s”…. (Slams to a stop in a parking spot at a mall) Sure are a lot of bells this time of year.  (Purposefully strides toward the mall entrance and stops just inside a main door, whipping out a list.  Looking around, there are some crowds but not as many as are usually there on December 23) Perfect.  The storm filtered out the weak.  (He goes from store to store, accumulating bags bursting with items as he whistles carols all the while, handing a candy cane to a Santa Claus as he passes by the pop-up North Pole near the elevators.  Leaning on the checkout at one store while Cashier 1 rings up the purchase) If anyone asked me what I’d like for Christmas, it’d be for someone to pay off my credit card, know-what-I-mean?  (Dad and Cashier 1 simultaneously glance down at the huge pile of stuff he is buying; in a small voice) Don’t judge.

Cashier 1: Not in my job description.

(At a soaps-and-scents store, Dad strolls in, spreads his arms wide, and inhales deeply)

Dad: Aaaaaaaaaaaah – never knew how good this place smelled without the mass of shoppers blocking all my senses.

Associate: Do you need any help?

Dad: For once, no!  I can actually see where everything is in here!  (Skips from display to display, filling up a basket and zooming to the register)

Cashier 2: Bag?  Coupon?  Free gift?  Free gift wrap?

Dad: Wow, never got asked all that here before.

Cashier 2: Never had enough time to go through the list when we have to ring up 500 customers an hour.

Dad: I’ll take it all then.

(At the nearly empty food court, Dad heads toward a burger place)

Dad: (To Cashier 3) Yes, I’d like a triple-decker well done, all the fries, and two milkshakes – one to go.  (Winks)

Cashier 3: (Shutting off the lights) Sorry sir, we’re actually closing early due to the storm, and we never close early this time of year.  You’re the first person who’s come by in over two hours.  (Lights in the other food kiosks also turn off)

Dad: Point taken.  (Walks back to the main mall) Would’ve been nice to have the whole seating area to pick from, though.

(At another store, Dad is reading all the greeting cards)

Mall Loudspeakers: Attention, last-minute shoppers!  Due to the horrific conditions outside, we’ve decided to value human lives over any piddling dollars these struggling stores may make and are closing NOW!  Go home, you weirdos!

Dad: (Piling up an armful of cards and yelling up at the ceiling) Hey!  I haven’t gotten so much shopping done so fast in… ever!

Cashier 4: (Flashing the store’s lights) Bring what you have, please, so I can ring you up and finally get the blazes out of here!

Dad: (Dumps all the cards onto the counter) Oh fine, I was done anyway.  (In the parking lot, mountains of ice-snow outnumber the cars as Dad carefully balances his many bags and walks pigeon-toed to one of the closest spots to the mall, where his car is parked.  He dumps everything into the trunk, slams the door shut, then looks toward the mall as snow sticks to his eyelashes, the last remaining shoppers and employees stream out, and the interior lights turn off) Best Christmas shopping trip of my life.