Story 621: When a Real Snowstorm Comes Along

 DAY -2 

(In a chaotic supermarket, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate their shopping carts through the free-for-all in the aisles)

 Friend 1: Did we really need to come here on a Friday night when literally everyone else is here?

Friend 2: (Focused on the refrigerated cases) Huh?  What are you going on about now?

Friend 1: (Gestures to the panicked crowds) I mean, what are we all doing here?  We live in the Northeastern U.S. – we have had snow before, it’s nothing new.

Friend 2: (Grabbing a gallon of milk and dropping it into the cart) Yeah, but not this bad in at least the past 10 years.  This is the first time I could get to the store this week, and who knows how soon the roads’ll be cleared up before we can get here again?  Better to be safe than sorry.

Friend 1: (As they squeeze through the aisle again) Sure, but what do we really need that we don’t already get enough of on our regular supermarket runs each week?

Friend 2: I just said – fine: milk.

Friend 1: I don’t drink it.

Friend 2: (Reaching onto a shelf and grabbing a carton to hold up) Eggs?

Friend 1: Don’t eat them.

Friend 2: (Drops the carton into the cart) Bread?

Friend 1: Got enough for a year.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1’s empty cart) Then what are you doing here?

Friend 1: Had no plans tonight.

Friend 2: (Moves on) If you’re not getting anything for yourself, ditch the cart up front and help me with the rest – otherwise, run for it!

Friend 1: (Stares at the cart, then tosses in a bottle of juice and weaves through the crowd casually) Nothing to see, just trying to fit in…. 

DAY -1 

(At night, Friend 1 is sitting in front of a living room window and looking through binoculars up at the heavens when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Answers by turning on the speaker phone and returns to looking up) Larder still stocked?

Friend 2: (Wrapping water pipes with newspapers) Always.  You have your heat turned up to at least 65°F, the cabinet doors open in front of the pipes, and water dripping from the faucets?

Friend 1: (Without looking away from the atmosphere) Whyyyyyy… would I do something so wasteful?

Friend 2: To keep the pipes from freezing and bursting!

Friend 1: Pff.  Urban legend.

Friend 2: Urban fact!  It’s gonna get as low as 3° overnight!  THREE!  DEGREES!

Friend 1: Sounds like a scam.

Friend 2: For the love of – you live in a condo, think of your neighbors!

Friend 1: Why?  I doubt they give me a second thought, let alone a first.

Friend 2: They’ll give you more than that when they sue you for flooding their units with all the water from your broken pipes!

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers the binoculars) I’ll call you right back. 

30 MINUTES LATER 

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while curled up in a blanket on the couch) Well?

Friend 1: (Back to looking through binoculars up at the night sky) Well, our association e-mailed us the same suggestions you just mentioned, so I’m all done with setting that stuff up, Mom.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Now if your pipes still burst after all that, you know you did everything you could to prevent it.

Friend 1: (Nods while observing) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: What are you up to, anyway?  You’ve had me on speaker both times.

Friend 1: I’m on storm watch.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: If this storm’s supposed to be as epic as everyone claims, I want to see the very first flake of doom as it descends from the heavens.

Friend 2: Not supposed to start until 4 a.m.

Friend 1: (Lowers the binoculars again) I’m going to bed – good night.

Friend 2: Stay warm! 

DAY 1 

(Friend 1 sits up suddenly in bed, flailing in the sheets and blankets)

Friend 1: Oh no, the snow’s everywhere, I’m suffocating!  (Sees the sheets and blankets and stops) Oh.  Just a dream.  Never mind.  (Gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens the blinds – everything outside is covered in white, and heavy snow continues to fall steadily) Oops.  Whelp, that’s what we pay snow removal fees for – they can wake me when it’s time to move my car.  (Closes the blinds, skips back to bed, dives under the sheets and blankets, and immediately falls back asleep) 

DAY 2 

(Friend 1 is cocooned in quilts on the couch and watching a movie when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Pauses the movie and answers the phone) Hey, how’s hibernation going?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at a kitchen table) Not so great – I no sooner shovel out the driveway then I get plowed back in again; unavoidable, but still tiresomely tedious.  I wonder if this is how Sisyphus felt pushing that same rock up that same hill over and over?

Friend 1: (Sipping hot chocolate) Wouldn’t know – I try to avoid that feeling whenever possible.  Wanna borrow my backhoe?

Friend 2: What – where – how on Earth do you even store that?

Friend 1: I know a guy.  (Slurps the drink)

Friend 2: Well, thanks, but I think by now I should be cleared out for good on this storm, since the freezing snow’s finally stopped.

Friend 1: Oh, so you’re working from home today?

Friend 2: Yeah, we got the go-ahead for that since the roads aren’t too clear yet.  What about you?

Friend 1: Heh, we in retail are afforded no such luxury.

Friend 2: So, did the store close again today, then?

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: I know, silly question.

Friend 1: No, I left a detailed message on my manager’s cell phone saying how impossible it is for anyone to safely get anywhere today, so if even the customers can’t get there, why should I, and all that standard boilerplate; I also threw in that another storm is threatening on the horizon, so for everyone’s stake I should stay in my hole where I can’t damage anything.  (Sees an alert) Perfect timing – I got a response just now.

Friend 2: What’s it say?

Friend 1: (Reads the message out loud) “If I have to be here, you have to be here.  And your shift starts at 5 when the roads will be clearer so I don’t want to hear it.” …. I wonder if I can pretend I didn’t receive this?

Friend 2: Nope.  Careful driving tonight!

Friend 1: Elitist! 

DAY 7 

(Friend 2 stares at the heavily sideways-falling snow out the living room window, then calls Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Collapsed on the couch, still wearing a winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots; uses a pinky to answer the phone on speaker and wheezes out) Yes?!

Friend 2: Hey, just checking how you’re holding up with Blizzard #3?

Friend 1: I have cleared off and shoveled out my car no fewer than 200 times this week, and driven through icy snow for more miles than are physically located between home and work, nearly wiping out at least twice every trip and taking the entire highway with me each time – ask no more of me.

Friend 2: (Winces) Ouch.  We go from middling snow for over a decade to back-to-back-to-back blizzards in the space of a week – I think they fed off each other.

Friend 1: (Sliding farther down the couch) They certainly fed off me….

Friend 2: Sorry you still have to drive into work during all this – I haven’t been in the office since before the first storm.

Friend 1: I’m sincerely happy for you.  I’m shocked though that my job actually did close again today due to the roads.

Friend 2: Oh, good!

Friend 1: After I’d already broken off the reconstituted glacier that was covering my car.

Friend 2: Oh, nuts.

Friend 1: (Removes the scarf and drops it onto the floor) Remember when we used to love playing in the snow, even if we had to help shovel the driveway first?

Friend 2: Of course; good times.

Friend 1: (Uses a foot to draw the living room window’s blinds closed) Now, I just hope the power stays on, the pipes don’t freeze, and spring starts tomorrow.

Friend 2: Don’t be greedy.

Story 606: Sentenced to Five Years With a Haunted Smoke Alarm

             (In a noisy courtroom, Judge bangs a gavel furiously)

Judge: Order!  Order, or the next time I have to throw someone out, I’m gonna throw EVERYONE out, understood?!  (Sudden silence) Good.  Now: Defendant, please stand for the verdict.

(Lawyer stands, then pulls up Defendant to stand as the latter simultaneously rolls eyes and head; low murmurs start up again in the courtroom)

Judge: (Holding up a long sheet of paper) To reiterate, I will be reading the verdict due to the entire jury walking out in disgust after submitting it.  (Briefly looks at Defendant over the tops of glasses; Defendant obnoxiously smirks back) On the charges of: Littering; Intent to Litter; Littering With Malice Aforethought; Encouraging Minors to Litter – (Defendant nods in agreement); Never ONCE Using a Recycling Container; Criminal Negligence of a Garbage Can That Was RIGHT THERE; Failure to Honor Carry-in/Carry-Out Programs at County, State, AND National Parks – (Defendant giggles; Judge briefly glares); Attempted Use of a Plastic Bag to Entice a Sea Turtle Into Thinking It Was a Jellyfish – (Courtroom attendees hiss); Throwing Out Banana Peels From a Moving Vehicle; and other charges so numerous and egregious that even your own lawyer testified against you – (Defendant glares at Lawyer; Lawyer shakes head in loathing back) a jury of your peers have found you, the Defendant, Guilty on all counts.

(On the word “Guilty”, the courtroom erupts in cheers and papers being thrown into the air)

Lawyer: (Discreetly fist pumps) Yes!

Defendant: [Seethes at the world]

Judge: (Banging the gavel rapidly) Order!  Ord- ! (The gavel shatters) Oops.  (Tosses the gavel aside as the courtroom settles down; to Defendant) Before we proceed to sentencing, do you have anything, preferably remorseful, to say for yourself?

Defendant: Your Honor, the only thing I have to say is, the sea turtle can suck it.

Courtroom Attendees: BOOOOOO-EWWWWW!!!!

Judge: (Enraged) “IT”?!

Defendant: (Slightly confused) Plastic.  What’d you think I meant?

Judge: (Sighs while removing glasses) Your tasteless response has been noted.  (Folds hands to make a speech) As a judge with several decades on the bench seeing all kinds of defendants presented in this courtroom, it gives me no pleasure in sentencing my fellow human beings to harsh punishments no matter the crime… but today, I’m gonna enjoy this one.  (With a steely glare at Defendant) For the severity of your many, many crimes and apparent lack of remorse, I sentence you to five years of house arrest –

Courtroom Attendees: [Grumblings of disappointment]

Defendant: Oh no, five years in my own house surrounded by all my stuff and not having to deal with traffic, however will I endure?

Judge: I wasn’t finished: five years of house arrest – (Leans down to smile evilly) WITH A HAUNTED SMOKE ALARM.

Defendant: (Freezes) What?

Judge: One smoke alarm, possessed by a poltergeist with instructions to set it off at random times at all hours of the day and night, 24/7, every – single – day – FOR – FIVE – YEARS!

(The courtroom erupts in cheers again)

Lawyer: (To Defendant) AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Defendant: (Starts panicking) Wait – this isn’t – you can’t – Your Honor, may I approach the bench?!

Judge: No!

Defendant: (Ducks Lawyer’s restraining arms and falls to knees in front of the Judge, hands clasped in appeal) I throw myself on the mercy of the court!  I’ll do all the community service; I’ll pick up every piece of plastic in the ocean; I’ll clean up the entire Great Pacific Garbage Patch with a hand vac; I’ll never litter again – !

Judge: You most certainly won’t!  And there’ll be no reprieve, no time off for good behavior: you’ll be serving all 1,826 nerve-shattering days, from beginning to end, no interruptions.  Enjoy being surrounded by all your stuff – little good may it do your peace of mind for the next half a decade!  (To Bailiff) Take `em away, Bailiff!

Bailiff: (Hauling up Defendant by the arms) Right this way, if you please.

Defendant: (To Judge while being dragged out of the courtroom by Bailiff) No!  You can’t do this, it’s inhuman!  (To Lawyer) And you!  You’re not getting a dime outta me!

Lawyer: Joke’s on you – I volunteered for this gig!

Defendant: (To the courtroom at large) Miscarriage of justice!  I hope none of your garbage gets picked up for a week!  (Is pelted with balled-up pieces of paper on the way out)

Judge: (Smiles in contentment) Sometimes, you get a case that restores your faith in justice being served.  (Puts glasses back on while reading from a docket; addresses the courtroom while gesturing to the balls of paper all over the floor)  Make sure you clean this up or you’ll all get citations – (Courtroom Attendees scramble to clean up the mess) I love my job – next case! 

DAY 913 

(At home, Defendant wakes up suddenly, looking exhausted even though it is mid-morning.  Defendant then creakily gets out of bed, scratching the ankle where a monitor is strapped, and gingerly opens the bedroom door, staring up at the smoke alarm that is mounted on the ceiling; a light flashes briefly back.  Defendant tiptoes down the hallway, never looking away from the smoke alarm all the way to the bathroom; after morning ablutions, Defendant goes to the nearby kitchen still wearing pajamas and a bathrobe and gently gathers a juice glass, cereal bowl, cereal box, and utensils onto a counter that is thickly padded with dishtowels.  Carefully slicing a banana with a butter knife – )

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

(Defendant shakily drops the knife and banana into the bowl, then grabs a broom propped in the corner, walks down the hallway, and after a few attempts hits the button to deactivate the alarm)

Smoke Alarm: BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!  BEEEEEEEEP!!!!

(Defendant drops the broom onto the hallway floor, slowly shuffles back to the kitchen, and finishes preparing breakfast)

Defendant: (Props elbows on the counter and holds one hand with the other to keep it steady while eating cereal) Three down, 18-ish to go for the day….

LATER THAT DAY 

(During a video meeting, Defendant is wearing a suit jacket barely buttoned over the bathrobe and still looking a wreck, speaking to faces on a laptop while seated at the padded kitchen counter)

Defendant: …and we still need to figure out when to schedule the inspection prep before the inspectors actually show up this time –

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (As everyone on the meeting winces) Ah!  Sorry; as I was saying – 

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Manager: (Shouting over the alarm) Look, I hate to bring this up, but since we didn’t mind keeping you on even though you’re a convicted felon –

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (Shouting over the alarm) And I am so appreciative you did, `cause I don’t think anyone else would have me just on principle!

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Manager: Yeah, well, then do you mind muting yourself when that thing goes off?!

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: I can’t mute when I’m presenting!

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Manager: Then maybe these meetings should be e-mails going forward, `K?!  Bye!  (Signs off the meeting, followed by everyone else)

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (Stares blearily at the flashing lights in the hallway) Huh.  A silver lining. 

LATER THAT DAY 

(Defendant answers the door, still wearing the pajamas and bathrobe but now no suit jacket)

Friend: (Standing at the door and holding up an ancient tome) Hey – oh, wow, you look awful.

Defendant: Yes-yes, you tell me that every time you stop by – (Nods at the book) Is that it?

Friend: Yeah, it took me ages to track it down; now you’re sure I’m not gonna get in any – (Looks around furtively, then whispers the next two words) legal trouble getting it for you, right?

Defendant: (Grabbing the hefty book out of Friend’s hands) No of course not, it’s just a little light reading for Halloween, spirit of the season, have-fun-thanks-bye!  (Slams the door in Friend’s face)

Friend: (Shakes head while leaving and muttering) Last time I ever do you a favor, litterbug….

(Defendant roughly turns the book’s pages, frantically skimming the headings while walking into the hallway that now has a pentagram inscribed on the floor directly below the smoke alarm, with tall candles strategically placed all around it)

Defendant: (Stops on a page) AHA!  Gotcha!  (Glances from the illustration on the page to the one on the floor and back several times to compare) Not… bad…. (Takes a piece of chalk from a robe pocket and adds a few finishing touches to the pentagram) There.  That should do it.  (Grabs a candle lighter that was lying on the floor, lights the candles, sits cross-legged at the edge of the pentagram, places the open book on the floor within reading distance, and opens arms wide in supplication while addressing the smoke alarm in-between checking the text) “Oh, Darkest Night…. Oh, Foulest Day…. Oh, Creature of the Netherest Netherworld…. Oh – ”

Poltergeist: (Walks up to Defendant from the living room, eating a cookie) You trying to summon me or something?

Defendant: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Jumps up and crashes back against a hallway wall) Stay back, Demon!

Poltergeist: Not a demon.  (Finishes the cookie and licks fingers clean) Judge figured you’d’ve tried this back in Year 1 – me, I’m surprised you lasted this long.

Defendant: (Slides down the wall and onto the floor) Wait, so… everyone knew I’d try to get you to stop?

Poltergeist: Oh yeah – you think you’re the first troublemaker to try that trick?  Nobody’s ever original, I tell you.

Defendant: (Leans head against the wall) All right, I’ll just ask you, then: Can you please stop setting off the smoke alarm, I’m begging you!

Poltergeist: (Crouches down in the hallway and flips through the book a bit, stopping to read one page) Heh, that’s a good one.  (To Defendant) `Fraid not, my friend: I signed an unbreachable contract with Judge, so it’s all day/every day for all five years, and not a second less.

Defendant: (Fighting back tears of exhaustion) What do you even get out of it anyway?

Poltergeist: Entertainment.  It’s all anyone ever really wants, isn’t it?  I was told you’ve been very bad in messing up your planet, both for yourself and for everyone else stuck here with you, so I am taking great pleasure in watching your nerves continue to fray, inch-by-inch.

Defendant: (Holding aching head) Ohhhh….

Poltergeist: It was hysterical when I set it off at 3 in the morning last week: you flew out of bed and crashed right into the wall!  Was that where the door used to be where you grew up or something?

Defendant: (Lowers hands) …What if I converted entirely to solar power?

Poltergeist: (Floats off the floor) Nah, you still gotta serve out your term regardless.  But you’re on the right track for, you know, afterward.

Defendant: (Dazed) Afterward…. I don’t know if my ears’ll ever be quite right again.

Poltergeist: (Waves off Defendant dismissively) You’ll be fine – I usually don’t set if off when you’re right under it.  I mean, this is fun and all, but I’m not a monster.

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (Covers ears and cowers away from the smoke alarm) NOOOOOO!!!!!  You just said!

Poltergeist: (Stares at the smoke alarm, then down at the layer of smoke above the hallway floor) Looks like this one’s for real – you should be more careful when lighting candles in the home, you know?  (Snuffs out all of them)

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Poltergeist: Since this one’s an actual alarm, I’ll take care of it.  (Floats closer to Defendant) You hang in there, buddy: only two-and-a-half years to go, mwahahahahaha!  (Floats up to the ceiling and disappears into the smoke alarm)

Smoke Alarm: SMOKE PREVIOUSLY DETECTED – BEEP-BOOP!

Defendant: (Lowers arms while looking up at the smoke alarm) Thanks, you’re a real pal.  (Passes out on the floor) 

MORNING OF DAY 1,827 

(Defendant answers the front door, still wearing pajamas and a bathrobe and looking a wreck, but now also wearing giant headphones)

Judge: (Standing with Bailiff at the door) Hi there!

Defendant: (Lowers the headphones) …I’m sorry, who are you?

Judge: Always the clown – take it away, Bailiff!

Defendant: Eh?  (Bailiff bends down and removes Defendant’s ankle monitor) Oh.  Forgot all about that.

Bailiff: (Standing again) Most people do.

Judge: Now then: (Puts on glasses and reads from a tablet) “Since Defendant has served all five years of the sentence, punishment is now deemed ‘Paid in Full.’”  (Looks back at Defendant) That means you’re free to go!

Defendant: Go… where?

Judge: Anywhere you want!  As long as you “Leave No Trace” – and don’t commit any other crimes – you can go out and about your business once more!

Defendant: I work from home and have no social life.

Judge: Not my jurisdiction!  Oh, almost forgot.  (Taps a few buttons on the tablet)

Poltergeist: (Flies out of the house; to Defendant) So long, chum – hopefully I’ll never have to see you again!  Onward to the next home appliance haunting!  (Soars into the distance, cackling all the way)

Defendant: So… that’s it?  It’s all over, at last?  The smoke alarm’ll never go off ever again?!

Judge: Well, not unless there’s an actual fire.  Or it’s dirty – make sure to clean it every few months or you’ll get this treatment all over again.  Now: have we learned our lesson, hm?

Defendant: (Rubs temples) You have no idea.  I’m in the middle of inventing a device that neutralizes garbage just to make some of this ordeal worth it.

Judge: Now that’s the kind of rehabilitative attitude we like to hear!  Glad to know our Spirit World Volunteer Program is working out splendidly!

Defendant: I’ll say: if this’d be the typical criminal sentence going forward, I doubt there’d be much crime ever again.

Story 466: The Drawbacks of Working From Home

(Seated at the kitchen table in a condo, Employee attends a video conference through a laptop)

Manager: So, how’re you finding your first day working from home?

Employee: (Wearing a formal shirt, pajama pants, and slipper socks) It’s been… an adjustment, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.  After decades in retail and offices, the quiet here is a nice change.  Especially since I don’t have any, you know, offspring to run interference with every five seconds.

Manager: (Hangs up on a ringing phone) Yeah.  Well, if it ever gets too quiet for you, your desk here is always available until Corporate finally decides to throw out half the office equipment.

Employee: Thanks, but not having to commute to The City anymore is another nice change.

Manager: You’re telling me.  (Yells at someone off-camera) I don’t care: we’re all working Thanksgiving this year, you hear me?!  (Turns back to Employee) Now, describe your newfound freedom to me completely so I can almost pretend it’s my life.

Employee: Uh, you sound busy so I’m gonna let you go…. (Moves mouse to end the session)

Manager: (Grabs the sides of the computer and zooms forward to the screen) No!  Wait!  I need to live vicariously through you some more!  Take me with you – !  (Is cut off by the session ending)

Employee: (Resuming work) Yeesh – glad I got out of there.

(Works for several minutes, then joins another video conference.  Soon after that starts, the sounds of leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and chainsaws arise from all around the development)

Coworker: 1 (Onscreen) You got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Stares at the open front windows) Sorry about that – be right back.  (Walks into the living room and closes the windows, but the noise increases as the workers get closer; Employee returns to the conference) Better?

Coworker 1: No – now it sounds like they’re slicing your place in half.

Employee: OK, let me see.  (Goes back to the living room, opens the window, and leans out) Hey fellas, could you work on another area of the property for about 15 minutes, please?

Lawn Service Rep: (Lowers chainsaw a smidgen) We’d love to, but the next building over already asked us the same thing, sooo.... Yeah.  They got dibs.  (Raises the chainsaw again and continues decapitating bushes)

Employee: (Closes the window, returns to the table, and puts on a headset) How’s that?

Coworker 1: Much better.  You’re lucky you’re not having work being done inside the place – there’d be no getting away from that pandemonium.

Employee: Well, I was planning on having the bathroom redone.

Coworker 1: Don’t.

(A few hours later, Employee is typing away at a good pace when there is a resounding crash from the ceiling)

Employee: (Reflexively ducks down) What in the world?!  (More crashes shake the ceiling; Employee springs out of the chair, grabs shoes and keys, and trots down the breezeway and upstairs to the unit directly above.  Employee then knocks loudly at the front door in order to be heard over the crashes and the now-blasting music.  The noises stop right before the door opens to show an extremely fit occupant wearing workout clothes)

Resident 1: Whaddya want – I’m in the middle of a film shoot.

Employee: Hi!  I moved in 10 years ago but we’ve never met; I live in the unit directly below yours and work from home –

Resident 1: So do I: got a workout channel.  (Hands over a business card)

Employee: (Stares at the card for a few moments) That’s… great, I’ll have to check it out – meanwhile I’m gonna have to ask you to tone it down, please.

Resident 1: You new to working from home?

Employee: Um, yeah; today, actually.

Resident 1: Been doing it for three years, so to answer your question, no.

Employee: “No”?

Resident 1: No.  (The two stare at each other) You can leave now.

Employee: OK…. (Wanders off in a haze)

Resident 1: (Yells after Employee) And make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe” when you’re on my channel!  (Slams the door, and the music and crashing resume)

(Employee dazedly returns to the unit downstairs and resumes work with the new audio accompaniment, eventually chair dancing to the music.  Several minutes later there is a knock on the door)

Employee: (Now using the headset for a phone call) Can I put you on hold for a minute, please?  Got someone at the door.

Coworker 2: Lunch?

Employee: No!  Hold on.  (Goes to the door and yanks it open) Yes, hello?

Resident 2: Hi – you working from home now?

Employee: Ummmmm, yesssss, that’s a bit intrusive, how did you know?

Resident 2: Your car never left the lot.

Employee: Stalk much?!

Resident 2: Listen, I normally make it a principle never to talk to anyone here, but I have to ask: do you mind not using your Wi-Fi from about 10-3 during the week, huh?

Employee: …What?!

Resident 2: It’s no big deal on weekends, but weekdays I’ve got things to do and now you’re taking up all the bandwidth.

Employee: It’s my signal!

Resident 2: Yeah, but it wasn’t like you were using it half the time until now; all those Internet waves were just going to waste!

Employee: I’m changing my password!  (Slams the door shut)

Resident 2: (Through the keyhole) Hey, no fair, just because your life circumstances changed, the rest of us have to suffer?

Employee: (Freezes, then turns back and flings open the door again) “Rest of us”?!

Resident 2: (Blinks a few times) Gotta go.  (Runs down the breezeway past someone holding an open laptop who then slinks away after locking eyes with Employee)

Employee: (Slams the door again and returns to the kitchen table) Unbelievable!

Coworker 2: I’ll say: you’d better check your bank account and credit cards to make sure they’re not compromised.

Employee: Ah!  Sorry-I’ll-have-to-call-you-back!  (Finally disconnects the call and slumps in the chair, then springs up again within a minute as back-up beeps of multiple trucks fill the skies.  The phone also rings through the computer as the trucks’ air brakes loudly deploy and idling engines resound throughout the parking lot) HELLO – YES – HELLO?!

Manager: Ouch, I can hear you fine – you got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Walks into the living room to stare at the massive activity out the window) NO, BUT I THINK MY DEVELOPMENT DECIDED TO RELOCATE ALL THE BUILDINGS HERE TODAY!

Manager: What?

Employee: THERE ARE 300 TRUCKS OUTSIDE AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY’RE DOING!

Manager: That stinks.  Check your mail lately?  They probably sent you a notice about this.

Employee: NO!  AND CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!  THEY’RE RUNNING MACHINES JUST EVERYWHERE, WHY, WHY?!

Manager: (Answering 10 e-mails at once) Hm.  Sounds rough.

(There is a repetitive banging on the ceiling)

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) You mind keeping it down in there?  I’m trying to edit the video and you’re ruining the sound mixing!

Employee: (Looks up) I’M RUINING – ?!  BUZZ OFF!!!

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) Rude.  (Stomps away)

Employee: (Back to the call) IS THIS MY LIFE NOW?!  PEOPLE BARGING INTO MY SPACE ALL DAY EVERY DAY?!  WILL I NEVER HAVE A MOMENT’S PEACE IN MY OWN HOME EVER AGAIN?!

Manager: You know, you’re always welcome to come back to the office here –

Employee: I respectfully decline.

Story 461: Bringing Home the Office

(In an office)

Manager: (Sitting at a desk across from Employee) Well, that’s all settled then: starting Monday, you’ll be joining the ranks of the layabouts who won the lazy lottery and get to – (Does extreme air quotes) “work” from home, yay for you.

Employee: (Shifts uncomfortably in the chair) But I actually like coming into the office –

Manager: (Had turned to the computer to type an angry e-mail while Employee was speaking) Of course, nobody asked me if I wanted half my department slacking off on social media or playing with their kids or doing their laundry or skiing in the Alps while logging in every 30 minutes for show while productivity flushes itself down the economical toilet, ohhhhhh noooooo!!!!  (Rage types faster)

Employee: Well, maybe I can volunteer to stay –

Manager: Buuuuut – (Turns back to Employee) I’m just middle management, whereas upper management has the final say-so, so here we are.  (The two stare at each other for a bit) I guess I’m supposed to say it’s been nice working with you, but I won’t.

Employee: Um, we’re still going to communicate with each other every day though, right?

Manager: Oh yeah, but since it’ll be only e-mails and phone calls and group chats and long-distance what-not, going forward you could be a robot for all I know.  (Tears off a piece of paper from a packet and hands it to Employee) Here’s your ticket.

Employee: (Stares at it for a bit) Ticket… to ride?

Manager: Heh-heh, I wish: it’s from I.T.; they’re going to ship you the work-from-home office set-up you’ll need to install before Monday; it’ll probably show up early Saturday at this point.  Electricity’s on your dime, but I’m told it’s a tax write-off for you freeloaders.

Employee: Oh.  OK.  Are there going to be instructions on how to install the computer and other stuff that comes with it?

Manager: (Laughs hysterically, then stops abruptly) You can go now.  (Employee rushes out the door as Manager returns to pounding the long-suffering keyboard) Wonder if I’ll actually miss any of my underlings once they stop coming here…. [TYPE-TYPE-TYPE-] Probably not.

 EARLY SATURDAY

(Employee, wearing pajamas and hastily tying a robe, answers the insistent knocking at the front door of the house)

Employee: (Rubs sleepy eyes) Yes?

Courier: (Holding up a clipboard) This you?

Employee: (Squints at the text) Um, yes – who are you?

Courier: Delivering your work-from-home office – sign here, please.

Employee: (Signs) What exactly am I signing?

Courier: You really should ask that before you sign something, you know.

Employee: Thanks for the tip.  (Hands back the clipboard)

Courier: It’s the receipt acknowledging delivery.  (Rips off a page from the clipboard and hands it over) Your copy.  (Turns to the backed-in truck that is parked in the driveway) ALL RIGHT, BRING IT ON OUT!

(Employee stares in horror as the open back door of the truck reveals a forklift hauling an entire office onto the driveway, complete with desk, chair, computer set with three monitors, printer, scanner, carpeting, three walls with huge paintings on each, two large armchairs, a couch, and a water cooler)

Employee: What the blazes is this?!

Courier: (Half turns to Employee while directing the forklift driver) Your work-from-home office – want it in the carport or on the front lawn?

Employee: I want it gone!  This must be a mistake – I’m only meant to get a computer!

Courier: You did.  (Points to the computer on the ornate desk)

Employee: But what’s all this other – (Waves arms frantically at the office) stuff?!

Courier: The office – it’s right here on your ticket.  (Points to the paper Employee is holding, then turns fully back to the forklift driver) Set it down in the carport!

Employee: But my car’s in there!

Courier: (Peers behind Employee) Oh yeah – think you can move it?

Employee: Where?!  You’re blocking me in!

Courier: Oh yeah.  (To the forklift driver) Set it down on the front lawn!

Employee: No-no-no, take it back!

Courier: What for?  We don’t need it.

Employee: How’m I supposed to get all this inside the house?!

Courier: Most people we send this to wind up breaking it down or shoving it in somewhere; all I know is, not our jurisdiction, we just deliver.  (The forklift driver sets down the office on the front lawn, then zoom back into the truck) There we go!  Call your I.T. department if you have any questions – we’re off!

Employee: But – !  (The truck drives away; in a small voice) Where do I even begin?

 TEN HOURS LATER

(Employee sweatily plugs the last cable into the last port surrounded by the swarming cables feeding all over the computer and accessories, then collapses on the couch while the rest of the lights and appliances in the house dip with the power drain as all the office equipment pieces start up.  Waking from a short doze, Employee then staggers to the desk and collapses onto the comfy chair while signing into the network and activating apps needed for the new work station.  After navigating in circles for some time, Employee testily picks up a cell phone and places a call)

I.T. Rep: I.T., how may I assist you?

Employee: Hi, I received a work-from-home kit that has literally taken over my living room and kitchen, and something’s not working right.

I.T. Rep: Oh, you’re one of the remote workers for the company now?  My condolences.

Employee: Thank you.  The issue is, I shockingly got everything installed and logged into the network, but try as I might, I can’t seem to find my department’s shared drive.

I.T. Rep.: OK, let’s take a look – mind if I remote in?

Employee: That seems to be the theme of the month, yes.

I.T. Rep: (Works with Employee to remote into the computer) Ah, I see what it is: according to your ticket, you were supposed to receive the “Junior Associate Work-From-Home Kit,” and instead you got the “Executive Work-From-Home Suite.”

Employee: (Flatly) What.

I.T. Rep: Is it true that it’s got a mini-bar with chocolate truffles and flavored water?  I’ve always wanted to see one of those, if you could turn on your webcam a second for me.

Employee: So, what, we can just swap out the computer then, right?

I.T. Rep: Actually, we’re going to have to swap out the whole office: employees at your level aren’t supposed to get all that stuff, like the whirlpool bath and the massage table and the –

Employee: (Has been roaming the office and uncovering all these things tucked away, waiting to unfurl) It took me half a day to get this monstrosity in here, and now you’re telling me I’ve got to take it all out and then put in another one?

I.T. Rep: If it makes you feel any better, the other one is much smaller.

Employee: It doesn’t!  I am keeping this thing I’ve developed love-hate feelings for, and you are going to make this work!

I.T. Rep: (Sighs, then starts typing) I guess I could just promote your job title in the network’s directory and give you top clearance, and that would allow you then to access the drive through this computer as an executive – I’m sure there’s no real harm in doing that….

Employee: (Settles into the whirlpool bath with a bottle of the flavored water and smooth jazz playing over the speakers) I like the way you think.