Story 466: The Drawbacks of Working From Home

(Seated at the kitchen table in a condo, Employee attends a video conference through a laptop)

Manager: So, how’re you finding your first day working from home?

Employee: (Wearing a formal shirt, pajama pants, and slipper socks) It’s been… an adjustment, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.  After decades in retail and offices, the quiet here is a nice change.  Especially since I don’t have any, you know, offspring to run interference with every five seconds.

Manager: (Hangs up on a ringing phone) Yeah.  Well, if it ever gets too quiet for you, your desk here is always available until Corporate finally decides to throw out half the office equipment.

Employee: Thanks, but not having to commute to The City anymore is another nice change.

Manager: You’re telling me.  (Yells at someone off-camera) I don’t care: we’re all working Thanksgiving this year, you hear me?!  (Turns back to Employee) Now, describe your newfound freedom to me completely so I can almost pretend it’s my life.

Employee: Uh, you sound busy so I’m gonna let you go…. (Moves mouse to end the session)

Manager: (Grabs the sides of the computer and zooms forward to the screen) No!  Wait!  I need to live vicariously through you some more!  Take me with you – !  (Is cut off by the session ending)

Employee: (Resuming work) Yeesh – glad I got out of there.

(Works for several minutes, then joins another video conference.  Soon after that starts, the sounds of leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and chainsaws arise from all around the development)

Coworker: 1 (Onscreen) You got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Stares at the open front windows) Sorry about that – be right back.  (Walks into the living room and closes the windows, but the noise increases as the workers get closer; Employee returns to the conference) Better?

Coworker 1: No – now it sounds like they’re slicing your place in half.

Employee: OK, let me see.  (Goes back to the living room, opens the window, and leans out) Hey fellas, could you work on another area of the property for about 15 minutes, please?

Lawn Service Rep: (Lowers chainsaw a smidgen) We’d love to, but the next building over already asked us the same thing, sooo.... Yeah.  They got dibs.  (Raises the chainsaw again and continues decapitating bushes)

Employee: (Closes the window, returns to the table, and puts on a headset) How’s that?

Coworker 1: Much better.  You’re lucky you’re not having work being done inside the place – there’d be no getting away from that pandemonium.

Employee: Well, I was planning on having the bathroom redone.

Coworker 1: Don’t.

(A few hours later, Employee is typing away at a good pace when there is a resounding crash from the ceiling)

Employee: (Reflexively ducks down) What in the world?!  (More crashes shake the ceiling; Employee springs out of the chair, grabs shoes and keys, and trots down the breezeway and upstairs to the unit directly above.  Employee then knocks loudly at the front door in order to be heard over the crashes and the now-blasting music.  The noises stop right before the door opens to show an extremely fit occupant wearing workout clothes)

Resident 1: Whaddya want – I’m in the middle of a film shoot.

Employee: Hi!  I moved in 10 years ago but we’ve never met; I live in the unit directly below yours and work from home –

Resident 1: So do I: got a workout channel.  (Hands over a business card)

Employee: (Stares at the card for a few moments) That’s… great, I’ll have to check it out – meanwhile I’m gonna have to ask you to tone it down, please.

Resident 1: You new to working from home?

Employee: Um, yeah; today, actually.

Resident 1: Been doing it for three years, so to answer your question, no.

Employee: “No”?

Resident 1: No.  (The two stare at each other) You can leave now.

Employee: OK…. (Wanders off in a haze)

Resident 1: (Yells after Employee) And make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe” when you’re on my channel!  (Slams the door, and the music and crashing resume)

(Employee dazedly returns to the unit downstairs and resumes work with the new audio accompaniment, eventually chair dancing to the music.  Several minutes later there is a knock on the door)

Employee: (Now using the headset for a phone call) Can I put you on hold for a minute, please?  Got someone at the door.

Coworker 2: Lunch?

Employee: No!  Hold on.  (Goes to the door and yanks it open) Yes, hello?

Resident 2: Hi – you working from home now?

Employee: Ummmmm, yesssss, that’s a bit intrusive, how did you know?

Resident 2: Your car never left the lot.

Employee: Stalk much?!

Resident 2: Listen, I normally make it a principle never to talk to anyone here, but I have to ask: do you mind not using your Wi-Fi from about 10-3 during the week, huh?

Employee: …What?!

Resident 2: It’s no big deal on weekends, but weekdays I’ve got things to do and now you’re taking up all the bandwidth.

Employee: It’s my signal!

Resident 2: Yeah, but it wasn’t like you were using it half the time until now; all those Internet waves were just going to waste!

Employee: I’m changing my password!  (Slams the door shut)

Resident 2: (Through the keyhole) Hey, no fair, just because your life circumstances changed, the rest of us have to suffer?

Employee: (Freezes, then turns back and flings open the door again) “Rest of us”?!

Resident 2: (Blinks a few times) Gotta go.  (Runs down the breezeway past someone holding an open laptop who then slinks away after locking eyes with Employee)

Employee: (Slams the door again and returns to the kitchen table) Unbelievable!

Coworker 2: I’ll say: you’d better check your bank account and credit cards to make sure they’re not compromised.

Employee: Ah!  Sorry-I’ll-have-to-call-you-back!  (Finally disconnects the call and slumps in the chair, then springs up again within a minute as back-up beeps of multiple trucks fill the skies.  The phone also rings through the computer as the trucks’ air brakes loudly deploy and idling engines resound throughout the parking lot) HELLO – YES – HELLO?!

Manager: Ouch, I can hear you fine – you got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Walks into the living room to stare at the massive activity out the window) NO, BUT I THINK MY DEVELOPMENT DECIDED TO RELOCATE ALL THE BUILDINGS HERE TODAY!

Manager: What?

Employee: THERE ARE 300 TRUCKS OUTSIDE AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY’RE DOING!

Manager: That stinks.  Check your mail lately?  They probably sent you a notice about this.

Employee: NO!  AND CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!  THEY’RE RUNNING MACHINES JUST EVERYWHERE, WHY, WHY?!

Manager: (Answering 10 e-mails at once) Hm.  Sounds rough.

(There is a repetitive banging on the ceiling)

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) You mind keeping it down in there?  I’m trying to edit the video and you’re ruining the sound mixing!

Employee: (Looks up) I’M RUINING – ?!  BUZZ OFF!!!

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) Rude.  (Stomps away)

Employee: (Back to the call) IS THIS MY LIFE NOW?!  PEOPLE BARGING INTO MY SPACE ALL DAY EVERY DAY?!  WILL I NEVER HAVE A MOMENT’S PEACE IN MY OWN HOME EVER AGAIN?!

Manager: You know, you’re always welcome to come back to the office here –

Employee: I respectfully decline.

Story 461: Bringing Home the Office

(In an office)

Manager: (Sitting at a desk across from Employee) Well, that’s all settled then: starting Monday, you’ll be joining the ranks of the layabouts who won the lazy lottery and get to – (Does extreme air quotes) “work” from home, yay for you.

Employee: (Shifts uncomfortably in the chair) But I actually like coming into the office –

Manager: (Had turned to the computer to type an angry e-mail while Employee was speaking) Of course, nobody asked me if I wanted half my department slacking off on social media or playing with their kids or doing their laundry or skiing in the Alps while logging in every 30 minutes for show while productivity flushes itself down the economical toilet, ohhhhhh noooooo!!!!  (Rage types faster)

Employee: Well, maybe I can volunteer to stay –

Manager: Buuuuut – (Turns back to Employee) I’m just middle management, whereas upper management has the final say-so, so here we are.  (The two stare at each other for a bit) I guess I’m supposed to say it’s been nice working with you, but I won’t.

Employee: Um, we’re still going to communicate with each other every day though, right?

Manager: Oh yeah, but since it’ll be only e-mails and phone calls and group chats and long-distance what-not, going forward you could be a robot for all I know.  (Tears off a piece of paper from a packet and hands it to Employee) Here’s your ticket.

Employee: (Stares at it for a bit) Ticket… to ride?

Manager: Heh-heh, I wish: it’s from I.T.; they’re going to ship you the work-from-home office set-up you’ll need to install before Monday; it’ll probably show up early Saturday at this point.  Electricity’s on your dime, but I’m told it’s a tax write-off for you freeloaders.

Employee: Oh.  OK.  Are there going to be instructions on how to install the computer and other stuff that comes with it?

Manager: (Laughs hysterically, then stops abruptly) You can go now.  (Employee rushes out the door as Manager returns to pounding the long-suffering keyboard) Wonder if I’ll actually miss any of my underlings once they stop coming here…. [TYPE-TYPE-TYPE-] Probably not.

 EARLY SATURDAY

(Employee, wearing pajamas and hastily tying a robe, answers the insistent knocking at the front door of the house)

Employee: (Rubs sleepy eyes) Yes?

Courier: (Holding up a clipboard) This you?

Employee: (Squints at the text) Um, yes – who are you?

Courier: Delivering your work-from-home office – sign here, please.

Employee: (Signs) What exactly am I signing?

Courier: You really should ask that before you sign something, you know.

Employee: Thanks for the tip.  (Hands back the clipboard)

Courier: It’s the receipt acknowledging delivery.  (Rips off a page from the clipboard and hands it over) Your copy.  (Turns to the backed-in truck that is parked in the driveway) ALL RIGHT, BRING IT ON OUT!

(Employee stares in horror as the open back door of the truck reveals a forklift hauling an entire office onto the driveway, complete with desk, chair, computer set with three monitors, printer, scanner, carpeting, three walls with huge paintings on each, two large armchairs, a couch, and a water cooler)

Employee: What the blazes is this?!

Courier: (Half turns to Employee while directing the forklift driver) Your work-from-home office – want it in the carport or on the front lawn?

Employee: I want it gone!  This must be a mistake – I’m only meant to get a computer!

Courier: You did.  (Points to the computer on the ornate desk)

Employee: But what’s all this other – (Waves arms frantically at the office) stuff?!

Courier: The office – it’s right here on your ticket.  (Points to the paper Employee is holding, then turns fully back to the forklift driver) Set it down in the carport!

Employee: But my car’s in there!

Courier: (Peers behind Employee) Oh yeah – think you can move it?

Employee: Where?!  You’re blocking me in!

Courier: Oh yeah.  (To the forklift driver) Set it down on the front lawn!

Employee: No-no-no, take it back!

Courier: What for?  We don’t need it.

Employee: How’m I supposed to get all this inside the house?!

Courier: Most people we send this to wind up breaking it down or shoving it in somewhere; all I know is, not our jurisdiction, we just deliver.  (The forklift driver sets down the office on the front lawn, then zoom back into the truck) There we go!  Call your I.T. department if you have any questions – we’re off!

Employee: But – !  (The truck drives away; in a small voice) Where do I even begin?

 TEN HOURS LATER

(Employee sweatily plugs the last cable into the last port surrounded by the swarming cables feeding all over the computer and accessories, then collapses on the couch while the rest of the lights and appliances in the house dip with the power drain as all the office equipment pieces start up.  Waking from a short doze, Employee then staggers to the desk and collapses onto the comfy chair while signing into the network and activating apps needed for the new work station.  After navigating in circles for some time, Employee testily picks up a cell phone and places a call)

I.T. Rep: I.T., how may I assist you?

Employee: Hi, I received a work-from-home kit that has literally taken over my living room and kitchen, and something’s not working right.

I.T. Rep: Oh, you’re one of the remote workers for the company now?  My condolences.

Employee: Thank you.  The issue is, I shockingly got everything installed and logged into the network, but try as I might, I can’t seem to find my department’s shared drive.

I.T. Rep.: OK, let’s take a look – mind if I remote in?

Employee: That seems to be the theme of the month, yes.

I.T. Rep: (Works with Employee to remote into the computer) Ah, I see what it is: according to your ticket, you were supposed to receive the “Junior Associate Work-From-Home Kit,” and instead you got the “Executive Work-From-Home Suite.”

Employee: (Flatly) What.

I.T. Rep: Is it true that it’s got a mini-bar with chocolate truffles and flavored water?  I’ve always wanted to see one of those, if you could turn on your webcam a second for me.

Employee: So, what, we can just swap out the computer then, right?

I.T. Rep: Actually, we’re going to have to swap out the whole office: employees at your level aren’t supposed to get all that stuff, like the whirlpool bath and the massage table and the –

Employee: (Has been roaming the office and uncovering all these things tucked away, waiting to unfurl) It took me half a day to get this monstrosity in here, and now you’re telling me I’ve got to take it all out and then put in another one?

I.T. Rep: If it makes you feel any better, the other one is much smaller.

Employee: It doesn’t!  I am keeping this thing I’ve developed love-hate feelings for, and you are going to make this work!

I.T. Rep: (Sighs, then starts typing) I guess I could just promote your job title in the network’s directory and give you top clearance, and that would allow you then to access the drive through this computer as an executive – I’m sure there’s no real harm in doing that….

Employee: (Settles into the whirlpool bath with a bottle of the flavored water and smooth jazz playing over the speakers) I like the way you think.

Story 372: Oblivia’s New Year 2021

 (At home, Oblivia wears a comfy robe and pajamas and hums while making a cup of coffee and waffles.  She then gleefully carries a tray with her breakfast and sets it on her bed, then snuggles under the covers before turning on a laptop and logging into a video conference)

Manager: (Addressing the four other screens in attendance) So let’s get started – first off, you’ve probably all guessed by now no one’s getting a bonus this year.  (The others mumble in the affirmative) And we’ve lucked out the company doesn’t have lay off anyone – yet – but I was told we have to slash the department’s hours again –

Coworker 1: But my health insurance can’t take any slashing!

Manager: Don’t worry, I’m told that’ll be unaffected – (Mutters underneath biting nails) – for now.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Then yay, shorter work week!

Manager: The workload’s increased and you have even less time to do it in.

Coworker 1: Aw, nuts.

Manager: Now, let’s go over the budget – how’re the numbers for this quarter?

Coworker 2: Abysmal.

Manager: Drat.  How’s Marketing looking?

Oblivia: (Mouth full of toast, gives two thumbs-up) Great!  Practically the best it’s ever been!

Manager: …Are you… wearing your PJs and eating breakfast in bed?

Oblivia: Oh yeah, this is the best set-up I’ve had in years!  I love working from home, don’t you?

Manager: (Slow blink as a screaming toddler runs past in the background) Not particularly.

Coworker 3: Speaking of, year-ago-me can’t believe I’m asking this but any word on when we might be able to come back into the office?

Manager: (Tosses away a cat walking across the desk) What do you think?!

Coworker 3: Just checking – I’m starting to lose feeling in my legs for hours at a time now that I’m working from the couch all day long.

Manager: Oh, boo-hoo!  Remind everyone out there to feel bad for your inconvenience!

Coworker 3: I withdraw my statement.

Manager: Seriously though – get up and take a walk once in a while, you might be working on deep vein thrombosis.

Coworker 3: What?

Oblivia: (Slurps coffee) By the way, anybody got plans for New Year’s Eve?

Manager: Are you kidding?!

Oblivia: I usually wind up staying home, but I like to live vicariously by hearing about what everyone else is doing.

Coworker 1: Staying home.

Coworker 2: Staying home.

Coworker 3: Staying home.

Manager: Staying home, like we’ve been doing all year long!

Coworker 2: I thought it was only since March?

Manager: “Only”?!

Oblivia: I also wanted to see if you all made resolutions yet.  Mine’re the same every year: eat healthier and read at least one educational book.  I fail every year, though.

Coworker 2: Heh, my resolutions usually are the book thing and lose 20 pounds.  I also fail.

Coworker 1: I resolve in 2021 to be more appreciative for the good things in my life.  Oh, and also wash my hands better, `cause apparently I’m still pretty bad at it.

Coworker 3: I’m resolving to walk every day, and call my family and friends more, and volunteer somewhere at least once a month, and – I’m already exhausted, forget it.

Oblivia: Ooh, I’m gonna add the walking bit, maybe I’ll be able to squeeze that into errands, hm?

Manager: Who cares?!  I’m trying to run a meeting here and no one’s paying attention!  This department barely functioned on a good day and it’s even worse now that everyone’s telecommuting!

Oblivia: I don’t know, I think this has been a successful experiment with all of us not having to deal with each other in-person 40+ hours a week; I’d like to continue it forever if that’s all right.

Manager: It’s not an experiment!  Do you even know what’s going on around you?!

Oblivia: Year-round hibernation?

(Manager clunks head down on the desk)

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(In the same robe and pajamas, Oblivia samples from champagne and desserts while watching television shows leading up to 2021)

News Anchor: – we’ll all certainly be glad to say “Good Riddance” to 2020, and look forward to a hopefully better 2021.

Oblivia: Don’t people say that every year?  (Watches the ball drop)

Crowds: Happy New Year, dagnabbit!  Save us, 2021!

Oblivia: Hm.  It would be ironic if this is the year an asteroid finally does wipe us all out.