Story 580: Constantly Cancelled Haircut

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey, come on in!

Sibling 2: (Enters and closes the door) Thanks, but we gotta go soon.

Sibling 1: (Running around grabbing things off of furniture) Sure-sure, just grabbing my keys, and my wallet, and my phone, and the tickets, and a snack, and –

Sibling 2: (Still standing by the door) And this is why I got here 15 minutes earlier than I really needed to.

Sibling 1: Exactly!  (Skids to a stop in front of Sibling 2 while shoving items into pants pockets) You do something different with your hair?

Sibling 2: Hm?  Oh – (Runs a hand self-consciously over the back of the head) yeah, I let it go longer between haircuts this winter – wasn’t paying attention – but I have an appointment to chop it off next Thursday.

Sibling 1: OK.  (Shrugs)  Looks good this way, though.  (Starts running around grabbing things again)

Sibling 2: Really?  (Leans over to look in a wall mirror and fusses with the hair a bit) I figured it looked all shaggy and messy by now.

Sibling 1: (Yelling from the bedroom) Nah, it looks relaxed and natural – besides, shaggy and messy are in!

Sibling 2: (Looks away from the mirror) They are?

Sibling 1: (Hopping up the hallway while tugging on shoes) I have no idea, but it sounds good, right?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) Thanks for the effort, but it’s trickling down the back of my neck and getting annoying so I’m still chopping it off next week.

Sibling 1: (Pulling on a coat) All righty – you gonna donate any of it?

Sibling 2: (Stares at Sibling 1 in disbelief) It’s not that long!  And besides, I doubt anyone’d want it with all the grays streaked through that are increasing by the hour.

Sibling 1: Hey, I wouldn’t turn it down.

Sibling 2: I’ll save it for you, then.  (The two stand there for a few moments) So, you ready now or what?

Sibling 1: Yep – off we go!  (Sibling 2 turns to open the door)  Ooh, wait, the tickets!  (Runs back to the bedroom)

Sibling 2: (Sighs, crosses arms, and leans back against the door) I’ll wait!  (Mutters) I can feel more grays coming out in the past five minutes alone.

NEXT THURSDAY

(In an office, Sibling 2 is working in a cubicle)

Sibling 2: (Typing) “…and that… is why… Casual Friday is a must….”

Coworker: (Stopping by) Hey, you going to the budget meeting coming up soon?

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face Coworker) No, I begged off that one – I have nothing to contribute except my snores.

Coworker: Heh-heh, lucky.  By the way, you growing out your hair or something?

Sibling 2: (Starts to reach up to run a hand self-consciously over the back of the head, but stops and yanks hand back down) No, I just let it go for a bit longer than usual – getting it cut tonight, actually.

Coworker: Heh, I was gonna say: “Get a haircut, hippie!”, ahahahahahaha!  (Laughs very loudly while leaving)

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face the computer; softly) Heh, heh, heh, ya weirdo.  (Types for a few moments before the cell phone rings; Sibling 2 checks the caller ID, frowns slightly, and answers) Hello?

Voice: Hi, this is the ---- ----, calling to let you know that we had a gas leak this afternoon and have to shut down for the next few days, so we unfortunately have to reschedule your appointment tonight.

Sibling 2: Oh yeah, of course – is everyone there all right?

Voice: Oh yes, we’re all fine, thank you: no explosions, so that’s always a plus.  (Sibling 2 double-takes) Does same time next Thursday work for you?

Sibling 2: Umm, let me check…. (Checks a calendar on the phone) That day’s out for me; is the following Saturday morning open?

Voice: …Yes, I can put you in for 10:00.

Sibling 2: Perfect, thanks!  And, good luck with the leak and all that.

Voice: Thank you – we’ll need it.

Sibling 2: What?  (Call ends; Sibling 2 puts away the phone, then briefly runs fingers through longer hair) Just another week won’t do much, right?

NEXT SATURDAY

Voice: (From the speaker of Sibling 2’s cell phone) Hello, this is the ---- ----, how may I help you?

Sibling 2: (Sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning exhaustedly against the toilet, and speaking hoarsely in the general direction of the cell phone on the floor nearby) Hi, I had a 10:00 appointment today –

Voice: “Had”?!

Sibling 2: Yeah, and either I ate poison last night or someone evil at work is spreading the stomach bug undercover, but whatever it was woke me up at 5 a.m. and hasn’t let me be since.

Voice: Yes, well, don’t come in here, then!

Sibling 2: …That’s why I’m calling.

Voice: Of course.

Sibling 2: (Tries to re-tie hair back with a rubber band but the shorter strands keep slipping out) Can we reschedule for next Saturday, please?

Voice: Let’s see… no, unfortunately that’s all booked.  Can you do another weeknight?

Sibling 2: (Rubs eyes and scrunches face in thought) Uh, yeah, how about Wednesday?  I should be all clear of this by then.

Voice: …Yes!  I can put you in for 5:30.

Sibling 2: (Gets a panicked look) Yeah-that’s-great-thanks-bye!  (Tries and misses hitting the hang-up button on the phone right before stomach bug loudly returns)

Voice: …Bye.  Gross.  (Calls ends)

NEXT MONTH

(At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey!  Everything all right?

Sibling 2: (Wearing a bulging baseball cap) No.  Can I come in?

Sibling 1: Of course!  (Lets in Sibling 2 and shuts the door) What’s wrong?

Sibling 2: (As they both walk into the living room) Sorry to drop in like this, but it felt ridiculous to say over the phone, and I’ve been driving all around and don’t know who else to go to who wouldn’t laugh in my face when they heard the story, and this has gone on so long that I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t!

Sibling 1: All right, calm down; you’re starting to sound hysterical, and I’m the only one of us allowed to do that.

Sibling 2: I know!  (Collapses onto the couch and covers face with hands)

Sibling 1: (Sits next to Sibling 2) Sooooooo – what’s the matter?

Sibling 2: (Uncovers face) You remember how I was supposed to get my hair cut over a month ago, and it was starting to get long then?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah – we really haven’t seen each since then?  Wow.

Sibling 2: Yeah, sorry about that; time passing me by clearly has become a bad habit with me lately.

Sibling 1: Eh, I forgot about you for a while, too.

Sibling 2: Anyway, the place had a gas leak, and then I had a stomach bug, and then the staff went on strike, and then we had that freak blizzard, and then I had to go to that wake, and then the staff went on strike again, and then –

Sibling 1: Whoa, whoa, wait; are you saying you still haven’t gotten your hair cut in all that time?!

(Sibling 2 looks embarrassedly at Sibling 1, then takes off the cap; long silvery tresses tumble out)

Sibling 1: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sibling 2 glares) Sorry – I know I’m supposed to be the one who doesn’t laugh in your face; I just didn’t expect such… flowing locks.  (Gently pets the mane) It’s really soft.

Sibling 2: (Shakes off Sibling 1) Knock it off!  This has gotten so out of control, and appointments keep getting cancelled over and over and over, and every day there’s more hair, hair, everywhere, I almost wanna cry!

Sibling 1: OK, well, I’m sure another hair salon or barber shop can take care of it – just find a walk-in one and wait.

Sibling 2: I tried!  None of the ones around here take walk-ins; they’re appointment-only!  I feel like I’m cursed by inconvenient scheduling!

Sibling 1: Really?  Not one?  That’s odd.

Sibling 2: You’re telling me!  And now my hair’s so long I can’t cut it myself without it looking even worse!

Sibling 1: (Starts fiddling with the ends) Oh, I wouldn’t say that – I’m sure a chainsaw would do just fine.

Sibling 2: (Buries face in hands again) It’s catching on everything!

Sibling 1: (Thinks for a bit) Want me to braid it?

Sibling 2: (Looks coldly at Sibling 1) I want you to cut it!

Sibling 1: (In realization) Ohhhhh.  But it looks good this way.

Sibling 2: I DON’T CARE!

Sibling 1: Rude.  (Stands and holds out an arm toward the hallway) OK, then: step into my parlor.

Sibling 2: (Stomps to the bathroom, muttering) So embarrassing; I need to ask my own family to cut my hair like I’m a five-year-old –

Sibling 1: (Following) If nothing else, it’s certainly cheaper.

(Later in the bathroom, Sibling 2 with wet hair sits on a chair back up against the sink, which is covered in paper towels; Sibling 1 enters wearing a lead apron and carrying a toolbox)

Sibling 1: All right, Rapunzel, we begin with the pruning shears.  (Quickly snaps them open and shut to demonstrate)

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1’s wrist) No-no-no!  Regular scissors only!

Sibling 1: But those are my good scissors.

Sibling 2: They’ll survive!

Sibling 1: (Grumbles while setting down the shears and going to kitchen) Picky, picky, picky – it’s not like I’d lop off an ear, I know what I’m doing….

Sibling 2: (Yells toward the door) I doubt it!

Sibling 1: (Returns with a pair of scissors) OK, customer-is-always-right, where do you want me to start?

Sibling 2: Just chop off the big chunks first and then trim from there!

Sibling 1: Got it.  (Sibling 2 leans back as Sibling 1 combs and smooths out the hair) You know, even with all the grays, you’ve really got good color and volume.

Sibling 2: (Through gritted teeth) Thanks.

Sibling 1: Just saying, people who are prematurely bald or lost their hair in other ways would love to have –

Sibling 2: Would-you-just-get-on-with-it?!

Sibling 1: Fine.  (Readies the scissors) You asked for it.

Sibling 1: Huh?

<SNIP!>

ONE HOUR LATER

(Sibling 2 is standing in front of the sink and facing the mirror while finishing shaving hair to a fine fuzz)

Sibling 2: (Sets the razor on the counter, grabs a towel, and vigorously rubs head with it until most of the extra pieces are gone) There!  Now it’s even!

Sibling 1: (Watching from the doorway) Hey, I never claimed to have a cosmetology license.

Sibling 2: No, but you can measure two sides so that they’re even, yes?

Sibling 1: No.

Sibling 2: Well, it’s finally done, and I’m free from all… this!  (Rubs smooth head and neck all around, then snatches up all the paper towels filled with the locks of hair, briefly holding them out to Sibling 1) Here’s your chance – want it?

Sibling 1: No thank you.

Sibling 2: (Dumps the paper towels holding hair into the garbage can) And now, I’m going back to my life without unwanted hair dragging me down!  And if I hear one more comment at work about how I was a flower child reject, I’m gonna start giving all of them free haircuts!  (Walks past Sibling 1)

Sibling 1: Ahem.

Sibling 2: (Turns back) Oh yeah, thanks for all your help, you’ve been a real pal, I’ve gotta go send in my taxes now before I get fined forever, talk to you later, bye!  (Runs out the front door)

Sibling 1: (Shakes head in resignation) I expect too much, I suppose.  (Cleans up the rest of the hair mess and is carrying the toolbox back to the coat closet when loud banging is heard at the front door; Sibling 1 sets down the toolbox and slowly opens the door) I’m sorry, but the salon is closed for the day.

Sibling 2: Hilarious – could you grab my cap that I left on the couch, please?

Sibling 1: Why, whatever could you need it for, now that you’re so “free”?

Sibling 2: Because it’s still winter outside and now my head is freezing!

Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.

Story 555: Flashback Back to School

             (On a park trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate carefully over the uneven terrain)

Friend 2: (Gingerly stepping down a highlands hill) I can’t believe I let you talk me into taking the difficult trail this time.

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree trunk for the descent) C’mon, you can’t stay on the easy-to-moderate trails all your life, you’ve gotta branch out a little – ow!  (Stubs foot on an exposed tree root and nearly falls off the mini-mountain)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh: got another one>

Tree 2: <Sweet> (The two trees’ branches slap each other in triumph)

Friend 2: (Helping Friend 1 regain footing) Still, this is the most exercise I get in a week, so I suppose I should be grateful.

Friend 1: You’re welcome.  (The ground levels out slightly and they continue onward with minimal interruption)

Friend 2: And it’s great coming here after Labor Day, with no more summer state park fees, summer crowds, or summer weather.

Friend 1: But it’s still summer.

Friend 2: Yeah, technically, but you know as soon as Labor Day hits, fun time’s over.

Friend 1: (Takes a swig from a water bottle) Ugh, don’t remind me: I hate this time of year.

Friend 2: Well, sure, I know you love beaches and boardwalks and any excuse to have funnel cake, but you gotta admit that the cooling weather, changing leaves, and absence of shore traffic are definitely perks.

Friend 1: Oh, no doubt; I won’t argue with any of that.

Friend 2: Then what is it?

Friend 1: (Stops walking, stares at an osprey landing on a nesting pole in the distance, and sighs; through gritted teeth) Back.  To.  School.

Friend 2: (Also having stopped walking) You… haven’t gone back to school in over 20 years.

Friend 1: I know.  But the 17 I did during my formative era have been seared into my brain and will never leave, at least until the inevitable dementia’s in full force.  No, scratch that: with my luck, those’ll be the only memories I’ll have at that point.

Friend 2: (As they both start walking again) All right, going back to school after summer break was sad and annoying, but it wasn’t that bad.  We got to see all our friends again.

Friend 1: I saw them in just the right amounts during break, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: Some of the work was interesting.

Friend 1: To you, maybe: I was a terrible student and didn’t need a yearly reminder.

Friend 2: (Winces slightly) …You liked Band!  And Drama Club, don’t forget that!

Friend 1: (Chuckles) True, true.  I miss those geeks; made me feel superior to the nerds in Chess Club.

Friend 2: What about the athletes?

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about those dorks!

Friend 2: (Defensively) Hey, I was on the basketball team for three years in high school!

Friend 1: Oh right.  Well, you were OK.

Friend 2: (Shakes head in exasperation) Whatever – point is, for us, school was all right and not the faux-traumatic experience you’re acting like it was.

Friend 1: I’m not saying it was; I’m just saying I hate Back to School.  Every year, all the anxiety and pressure come flooding back in like they never left.

Friend 2: Oh, well, then just… don’t think about it, I guess.

Friend 1: I have yet to hear an instance where that suggestion has ever worked for anything.

(That night, Friend 1 lies in bed, staring at a digital clock on the lamp table)

Friend 1: Mm-hm: at this time 20+ years ago, I was dreading the first day of high school… first day of middle school… (Starts drifting to sleep) elementary school… kindergarten… pre… schooooooolllll….

THE DREAM

(In a never-ending hallway filled with students, Friend 1 stands in the exact center, dressed like a 1990s teenager but still with a 2020s face, carrying a backpack and holding several textbooks with paper bag covers in one arm and an illegible class schedule in the other hand)

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically through the streams of passing students, gigantic lockers, and infinite closed doors as many bells constantly ring) Where’s my classroom?!  WHERE’S MY CLASSROOM????!!!!

(Suddenly seated in the very front row of a classroom, Friend 1 strains to read what is written on the overwhelming chalkboard)

Friend 1: (Squinting) Three times – Brontë, who – apartheid, when – igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic rocks, that – mi chiamo, che – differential equations?!

Teacher: (Standing at the front of the classroom, head almost touching the ceiling and growing every second) Now class, please turn in your reports on the entire science textbook that were due today.

Friend 1: (As all the other students hold out packets of neatly typed reports with perfectly formatted cover sheets) But – but – today is the first day of school – ?

Teacher: (Leans down from the heights to get in Friend 1’s face) THIS WAS YOUR SUMMER READING PROJECT!  YOU HAD MORE THAN TWO MONTHS TO COMPLETE IT!

Friend 1: But – but – a report on a science textbook?

Teacher: THE ENTIRE BOOK!

Friend 1: But – but – I don’t have it –

Teacher: YOU’D BETTER HAVE IT BY TOMORROW OR YOU’LL REPEAT THIS GRADE BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED IT!  (Straightens up and addresses the rest of the room) Now class, let’s begin our study of the American, English, and Russian Civil Wars by simultaneously proving Fermat’s Last Theorem and translating the Constitution of France into Middle English, backwards –

(Friend 1’s eyes snap open as a buzzing cell phone nearly falls off the lamp table)

Friend 1: (Answering the phone) Hellllllllooooooo????

Friend 2: (On a cell phone at an office desk) You sound awful – everything OK?

Friend 1: It is now; what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, I was gonna leave a message just checking on whether you’ve gotten over your “Back to School Phobia” or whatever it is you have going on.

Friend 1: (Lies back and rubs forehead) Actually, I just woke up from a nightmare about the whole thing, and it was probably the worst dream I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Friend 2: Oh, wow, that stinks.

Friend 1: Yeah.  But, in a strange way, I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, it was so ridiculously and unrealistically horrible that now my actual memories aren’t so bad in comparison.

Friend 2: (Leans back in desk chair in triumph) So: I was right.

Friend 1: Don’t rub it in.  Suffice it to say, I am now at peace with Back to School and can look upon that time fondly and enjoy this season at last.

Friend 2: Good, because the reason why I was only going to leave a message instead of having this full-blown conversation is that I figured at this point in the day you’d be at post-school era, adult-world work, so now I think you’re about two hours late.

Friend 1: …I wanna go back to school.

Story 553: Laboring on Labor Day

             “Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh….”

“What are you all stretched out smugly on the couch for?”

“Oh, just reveling in the fact that for the first time in more than 10 years, I get Labor Day off from work.  The actual day, mind you – not some pity day later in the week when fall has unofficially started, no: the actual day.  The last day of lifeguarded pools and beaches is mine, all mine, mwahahahahaha!”

“We already agreed to host Labor Day barbecue at our house this year.”

“…Drat.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *       

            “You know, it’s a real bummer that no matter what the holiday, some of us still have to clock in like it’s a regular ol’ work day.  I made my peace years ago with losing Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Memorial Day, Juneteenth, Fourth of July, my birthday, my partner’s birthday, my children’s birthdays, and World Chocolate Day, but losing Labor Day on top of all those especially sticks in my craw for some reason.  I think it’s the irony of the whole situation, that even on a day specifically designated to give laborers a break, some of us still have to work regardless, or else life as we know it falls apart.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop being bitter about it.”

“Mm-hmm: will you be closing up the incision on this patient now, Doctor, or would you like me to do it?”

“Nah, I got it.  Livin’ the dream, am-I-right?!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I can’t believe I have to spend Labor Day helping people with trying on every piece of clothing we have in the store, and then cleaning up the disgusting messes they leave behind that somehow are more than they brought in with them, plus trying to set up autumn and Halloween displays in-between policing the dressing rooms and the even-filthier restrooms, when I could be relaxing on a deck chair next to an inground pool while barbecue sizzles behind me and impish children roughhouse around me.  It’s just not fair.”

“I thought you weren’t invited to any barbecues this year – that’s why you volunteered to work on Labor Day in the first place?”

“It’s the principle of the thing!”

             *         *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I’ve finally made it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I finally have a job that actually gives us Labor Day off.”

“That’s great!  You’ve been wanting that for years, and it’s happened at last!  Congratulations on the paid holiday!”

“Thanks!”

“So, what’re your big plans for your well-deserved three-day weekend, so long overdue?  It’s the last unofficial day of summer – you can do anything you want, absolutely anything!”

“You’re right!  The world is my oyster, and I can seize the entire day until it’s completely dried up!”

“Exactly!  What adventures will you embark on joyously that day, then?”

“…I have no idea.”

Story 551: Vacation Timelessness Holdover

 AUGUST 4

(On the phone)

Friend 1: Oh hi; what’s up?

Friend 2: Hey, sorry to bother you – probably packing for vacation now, right?

Friend 1: Heh-heh-heh: I don’t pack `til morning of.

Friend 2: What if you have an early-morning flight?

Friend 1: Then I pack earlier-morning.  So, no: I’m just hanging around enjoying my pre-vacation day off from work before I have to hustle myself to The Shore and then really relax.

Friend 2: Great!  Well, I was just calling to wish you safe travels, and have fun with your family down there – need me to collect your mail or water your plants or anything?

Friend 1: Mail’s on hold, and you know all my plants ran away to save themselves from my neglect.

Friend 2: True.  OK, have a great time then, and show me some pictures of the overcrowded beaches and boardwalk or something when you get back.

Friend 1: Thanks!  I’m just looking forward to when I enter the Vacation Timelessness state.

Friend 2: The what state?

Friend 1: You probably know the feeling: it takes about a day or so, but at some point on a long trip I start losing track of the days, the weeks, the months, and if I’m real lucky, the hours and minutes.  Wreaks havoc on reservations, but that’s what the other members of my group are for.

Friend 2: I think I know what you mean.  Whelp, enjoy, but don’t get too timeless that you forget to come back home.

Friend 1: Heh-heh-heh – if only….

AUGUST 19

(On the phone)

Friend 1: Oh hi; what’s up?

Manager: Oh, not much.  So: you showing up to work some time today?

Friend 1: Today?

Manager: You took off more days than most people in this economy feel comfortable with, plus cushion days before and after, so you were scheduled to come back to work on the following Monday.

Friend 1: Monday?

Manager: Yes, I generously gave you off both weekend days – don’t know what I was thinking – even let you sleep in today, what a sap I am – so your shift started at 3:00.

Friend 1: 3:00?

Manager: Just get here in the next 30 minutes and make up the lost hour tomorrow, and I won’t write you up – this time.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: Thirty minutes?

SEPTEMBER 2

(In a department store, Friend 2 goes to the customer service desk where Friend 1 is stationed)

Friend 2: Hi!

Friend 1: (With a glazed look) Hello, how can I help you?

Friend 2: …It’s me.

Friend 1: (Shakes self briefly) Yeah, sorry – I’ve been a little out of it lately.

Friend 2: I’ll say: you keep missing meeting up for lunch to show me your vacation photos; I figured I could track you down at work since you’d have to be here at some point and can’t escape.  Saved it for Labor Day, since I knew you’d feel a bit down having to work on the one holiday that should be guaranteed off for all laborers, but I guess someone always has to work for the rest of us to enjoy the day, you know?

Friend 1: (Stares blankly at Friend 2) Labor Day?  When is that this year?

Friend 2: (Stares blankly at Friend 1) Today is Labor Day.

Friend 1: (Shakes self briefly again) Oh, right – I get an extra day off later this week instead – which day…?

Friend 2: Are you feeling all right?

Friend 1: Yeah, 100%, why?

Friend 2: You seem more scatterbrained than usual.

Friend 1: (Looks around to make sure no one else is close by, then leans in toward Friend 2 to stage whisper) Actually, I think I may have a timelessness problem.  Possibly even a syndrome.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: You know how I said when I go on vacation I start losing track of time?

Friend 2: Yeah, the vacation time bit; so?

Friend 1: Well, usually once I come back to reality then the arbitrarily determined days, months, minutes, hours, and all that jazz come horribly crashing back on me and the inevitable march of mortality resumes in my brain, and all is as it has been, even if it isn’t as it should be.

Friend 2: Yeah?

Friend 1: So this time, that… didn’t happen.

Friend 2: You got back weeks ago.

Friend 1: Weeks?

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s probably almost half a month by now.

Friend 1: Month?

Friend 2: Why do you keep repeating what I’m saying?

Friend 1: Because time-related words have ceased to mean anything to me.  I’ve resorted to setting alerts on my phone and leaving notes for myself everywhere just to simply exist in a world where the clock means something to everyone else.  I used to shop for groceries on the same day every week and now only do so when I’ve run out of food.

Friend 2: Why not set an alert or leave yourself a note for that, too?

Friend 1: Gotta draw the line somewhere.  Point is, I’ve become… unmoored in time.  (Eyes widen in realization) I wonder if that means I can now travel through time?!

Friend 2: I doubt it.  Did you get in an accident, hit your head or something while you were away?

Friend 1: Hm?  Oh, no, nothing like that – went dolphin watching one day; they were pretty fun.

Friend 2: Well, what you’re describing sounds a bit serious and you probably should see a doctor to get your brain checked out.

Friend 1: Forget the timelessness bit – I’m afraid what else they’ll find in there.

SEPTEMBER 15

(On the phone)

Friend 2: Hi!  Did you enjoy your birthday dinner with your folks today?

Friend 1: Always – I’m actually calling to let you know I’m cured.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: The timelessness thing.  It’s done; it’s over; I’m back to so-called normal.

Friend 2: Oh… oh!  That’s great!  So, what was it then, did the doctor give you a pill or something?

Friend 1: Didn’t get that far: I had a barrage of scans and blood tests that showed I’m pre-diabetic and peri-lazy, so I got referred to a psychiatrist for next week but I’m cancelling because I got cured in the meantime.

Friend 2: OK, so… how were you cured?

Friend 1: Well, you know this year was the big 4-0 for both of us –

Friend 2: Don’t remind me.

Friend 1: – and at dinner one of my helpful relatives grabbed me by the shoulders right as I was about the blow out the cupcake candles and said “Welcome to Middle Age, chum!”  And that did it.

Friend 2: That was it?  That’s all it took?

Friend 1: Yep.  In the blink of an eye, time got its stranglehold back on my brain, and I now know exactly what day, month, year, etc., etc., it is all over again.

Friend 2: Oh.  Wow.  Kind of a stinky way for it to happen, but whatever works, right?  No more timelessness and feeling unmoored, yay!

Friend 1: Yeah, yay.

Friend 2: What’s the matter now?

Friend 1: …I kind of miss it.

Story 550: I Didn’t Ask for Your Life Story

            “Oh my goodness, hi!”

“Oh!  Hey there.”

“It’s been so long since I last saw you!  How’ve you been?”

“Heh-heh; want the short version?”

“Ha-ha-ha, it’s all good!”

“OK then: my partner and I split up after 47 years and all I got was a lousy case of lice; had to move outta the house into a one-room apartment, and I mean one-room; got demoted at work two years ago for mouthing off at the customers and my salary got demoted right along with me, with both of us yet to recover; broke my collarbone in a freak roller skating accident a few months ago but that’s all better except now it can forecast the weather if you know what I mean; also the warts all came back at once so my dermatologist is furiously working on how to annihilate those – ”

“Ohhhhh….”

“ – the kids don’t talk to me anymore, but I’d stopped talking to my parents around the same age so I had it coming – ”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *

“Hi there!  How’s life treatin’ ya?”

“Ah, not too bad: the usual aches, pains, and debt, same old story.  How about you?”

“Oh, you know, same old story: demanding family, annoying neighbors, chronic joint issues, going back to prison for violating parole – the usual.”

“…What?”

“You know how it is: you kite a few checks, you embezzle a few charitable organizations, you grand theft a few autos, and all of a sudden you’re Public Enemy #39.”

“Ummm….”

“I suppose I should turn myself in, again, but really, if you’re not living on the edge a little, can you even say you’re living at all?”

“I… think that cop car over there is slowing down to speak with you.”

“Huh?  Shoot.  Well, it’s been great catching up, but I gotta run – we really should talk more some time soon…!”

“…Yeah.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *

“Oh, hello!  It’s been a while since I saw you last, let me think....”

“Twenty-three years.”

“Twenty-three years, my-my-my, how time flies!  So… how’ve you been?”

“All right.”

“Really?”

“Yeah: not much going on; can’t complain.  You?”

“Oh, I’m fine.”

“That’s good.”

“So….”

“So… see you again in 23 years, then?”

“Sounds great, see you then!”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *

“ – occasionally I can’t see out of one eye, but it’s not constant so I’m not gonna bother doing anything about it; ooh, and my car got repossessed last year, but by gum, I got it back.  I think that’s about it for the major stuff; how’ve you been?”

“Hm?  Oh, good, thanks.”

“Just ‘good?’”

“How on Earth could anyone follow that?!”

“Heh-heh, yeah; I do tend to go on.”

Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 541: I Thought Memorial Day Was for Summer Barbecues?

            (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Hi, just checking: do you have Memorial Day off this year?

Friend 1: Yes!  For the first time in almost 10 years, work finally didn’t schedule me on the most beloved of three-day weekends.  Of course, the one time it happened, it doesn’t matter: holiday’s ruined before it even started.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, my family was going to have an outdoor barbecue with the pool and the volleyball and the cornhole and the fireworks and everything and it was going to be awesome, but the forecast is calling for torrential downpours that day and we can’t do any of that stuff inside so they called it off and now I’m depressed.

Friend 2: Oh.  I actually was checking if you’d like to go to the parade with me that day, and since they’re having it rain or shine it seems you’re now available for it.

Friend 1: …Parade?

Friend 2: Yes, the Memorial Day parade our town’s having.

Friend 1: ….             

Friend 2: It takes over Main Street for three hours every year – surely you’re at least aware of that?

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: You do know what Memorial Day is about, don’t you?!

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: I’ll pick you up at 9:30 that morning – good-bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Lowers the phone and stares into the middle distance) …Our town has a Main Street?

MEMORIAL DAY

(In a steady rainfall, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are wearing raincoats and waving small American flags while standing with others lining the sidewalks of Main Street, watching the floats and musicians parade by and speeches made on a covered dais)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 during a brief break in the festivities) You know, I’m glad you dragged me out here super early on my day off – seeing all the active service members, veterans, and their families, and listening about how much they’ve sacrificed for our freedom and safety really makes me appreciate all the good things in my life and want to hug everyone here.

Friend 2: Glad to hear it.  Sorry you didn’t get to also go to your barbecue.

Friend1: (Shrugs) I suppose there’s always next year, but work’ll probably come to their senses and go back to scheduling me that day again.  (They watch the parade resume and start waving their flags again) I wish I’d been more aware of all this earlier in my life.  Did you know that all of May is National Military Appreciation Month?

Friend 2: (Freezes in mid-flag wave) I… never knew that.  How could I have not have known that?!

Friend 1: (Waves the flag self-satisfiedly) Guess you just learn something new every day, huh.

Friend 2: (Purses lips while waving the flag) How about you never bring that up again, and I’ll never bring up the fact that until last week you thought that Memorial Day existed just so you could go to a barbecue?

Friend 1: Sounds reasonable.

Story 538: Trying to Call Out From Work on Mother’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Mother’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: So I’ve been told.

Manager: You’ve also been told that I already gave the day off to the mothers among us, and the rest of you either needed to have requested off three months ago and hope for the best or take another day off to make up for it if you wanted.

Employee: I do recall that.  However, I should make you aware at long last that I, too, am a mother.

Manager: Since when?!

Employee: It has been my private shame these past five years: the Baron refuses to acknowledge not only me, the one true love of his life, but also his 12 illegitimate children, whose presence, if revealed, would divide his estate into so many portions that even his so-called legal heirs would barely get a dime, and the horrendous scandal would tear his country apart.  The least I could get out of this stressful ordeal is one day with my offspring serving me breakfast in bed, don’t you think?

Manager: You’ve had 12 children in five years?

Employee: …There were a few sets of triplets in there.

Manager: You’re still working today.

Employee: OK-OK-fine; if that tragic tale doesn’t move your cold heart to tears, then I must tell you directly: I rescued a gaggle of orphaned goslings last night, and they imprinted on me.

Manager: Really.

Employee: I am now the matriarch of an interspecies family – how can you ask me to walk away from that enormous responsibility on today of all days?!

Manager: Well, I’m not asking.

Employee: Glad we agree.

Manager: I’m telling you directly: if you don’t come into work today, you’ll have all the time you like to mother your feathered children because you won’t be spending it here.

Employee: (Sighs) You leave me no choice, then.

Manager: Here it comes.

Employee: I swore never to reveal this to a single modern soul, but you have pushed me to the brink: my true name is… Eve.

Manager: OK…?

Employee: As in, the Mother of All Humanity.

Manager: Oh, for crying out –

Employee: Peace, my child: I have long since forgiven you and your brethren’s slanderous lies that I am solely responsible for getting us kicked out of Paradise – I seem to recall your Father going along with the fun until we got caught, which is retroactively typical.

Manager: Whatever: you still have an eight-hour shift coming up in 20 minutes.

Employee: All right!  The truth is, I’d promised my mom that I’d request off Mother’s Day this year but then I lost track of time and when I finally remembered it was a week away and I ran out of people who could switch days with me and now she’s gonna give me the disappointed look for the rest of my life!

Manager: Now why didn’t you just lead with that?  I still can’t switch days for you but I know at least one person doesn’t want to work tonight anymore, so if you take their closing shift and they work your mid-shift then you’ll at least get to do brunch or something with your mom today.

Employee: Yes!  That’d be perfect – you’re a lifesaver, thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  I gotta make a few phone calls now to set this up, so I’ll see you at 5, OK?

Employee: That’d be swell!  You’re a great “mom” to all of us here, you know that?

Manager: Certainly feels like it.

Story 528: Maladaptive Daydreaming Can Be a Real Drag

“Hey, where are you?”

“Umm, right here?”

“No, I mean where’s your head gone off to?  You’ve got that faraway look in your eyes that means while your physical body is present, your consciousness has taken a trip to the moon or an island resort or somewhere else the rest of us want to go, too.”

“Oh, right.  Sorry – it was getting hot with the air conditioning broken here again so I was thinking about playing in the snow like when I was a kid, and now I’m freezing.  You got an extra sweater handy?”

“We’re all wearing short sleeves because of the broken air conditioning.”

“Right, right.  Never mind: I should be melting again in a few minutes, then.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Hey there, you finish that report yet?”

“Hm?  Oh, right, that needs to be sent in today, doesn’t it.”

“…Yes, we’ve talked about it several times this week and once this morning…. Oh, I see you’re working on it now, that’s great!  How’s it coming along?”

“It’s… coming along….”

“So, what, you think another page or two left, another hour or two to go?”

“Maybe.  Or it might need, you know, another day.”

“Another day?!  Where’s your mind at?!”

“I’ve been wondering that myself lately – it seems to be taking a lot trips to the beach recently, and we wind up staying there for hours.”

“Ah.  Well, can’t say I blame it.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *  

“Did you set the security alarm before we left the house today?”

“Hm?  I think so, why?”

“Because it’s not beeping as we’re invading our own home.”

“Oh.  I must have drifted off on our way out and thought I’d done it.  Sorry.”

“Drifted off to what?!”

“To what’s going to happen next on Sword Slash when the season premier airs tonight.  They left last season on a cliffhanger and we’ve had to wait more than a year before it finally came back.”

“….”

“Not a fan?”

“We could’ve been burglarized!”

“Eh, no harm done.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“So, it’s looking like they might have to pull all the teeth out…. Are you listening to me?!”

“Hm?  Oh, yeah, teeth – disgusting.”

“I don’t think you are.  Your mind keeps going off places and you’re missing everything that’s going on around you!”

“Sorry; it’s just that I’ve been replaying this scene in my head where my characters finally triumph over the evil they’ve been battling for decades, and I’m trying to iron out the details.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were a writer.”

“…I’m not.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Excuse me.”

“Hm?  Oh, sorry, I’m being a bit rude, I know – it’s just that my mind tends to wander very, very, very often, and I find myself immersed in all sorts of daydreams that it’s hard to snap myself out of them.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, it can be a bit disruptive sometimes – I don’t always get my work done ‘in a timely manner’ or I miss important information that I’ll need later or I completely breeze through a chore that I’ll have to redo because I didn’t do it thoroughly enough or I find out that an event I went to was a blast but I’ll never know because I’d completely tuned out during the whole thing – but honestly, life can be so tedious and painful and pointless at times that escaping from the futility of it all into a comforting world of our own making truly can be a matter of survival in a sense, don’t you think?”

“I suppose when you put it that way, it can be occasionally, yeah.”

“Thank you!  It’s such a relief to finally meet someone who actually understands!”

“Sure.... You can hand over your wallet now.”

“Oh right, we’re in the middle of a robbery – checked out for a few minutes there.”