Story 634: Work Is a Distraction for a Workout

             (At a gym, Client enters in a hurry and still dressed in business casual)

Trainer: (Trots over from lounging against the front desk) Hi there!  Thanks so much for coming back.

Client: (Rushed) Yeah, listen, I only came in because I wanted to tell you in-person instead of leaving a phone message: sorry to gym-break-up with you like this, but it’s not you, it’s me.

Trainer: I know.

Client: No, I mean – what, you do?

Trainer: Totally: we never take anything personally in this line of work.  Success or failure is entirely up to you.  (Points to Client in emphasis)

Client: Oh.  OK, then you know that I’m leaving the gym because I just can’t get through the workouts and I’ve hit the wall and peaked long ago and will never get any better than I was at the beginning, right?

Trainer: Yes.

Client: Oh.  Guess we agree on my complete and utter inadequacy, then.  (Turns to leave, stifling a sob)

Trainer: Not so fast!  (Gently turns Client back around and steers the latter through the main training area, past others working with all sorts of equipment) Usually I’d let a client with your views go on your merry little way and focus on the ones here who are actually serious about their commitment to health BUT – (As Client opens mouth to object) I know that you’re a special case.

Client: (Borderline sarcastic) Oh, really?

Trainer: Of course!  And in the spirit of Memorial Day Weekend AND Military Appreciation Month, I’m not going to give up when I know you still have the potential to be all that you can be!

Client: I don’t know – (Briefly holds up a not-very-toned arm) I doubt I could serve our country with this.

Trainer: Not with that attitude!  At any rate: I observe all my clients closely, and you, my friend – (Points at Client again in emphasis) have a head problem.

Client: As in…?

Trainer: You’re stuck in it.  Most people here like having something else to focus on that isn’t work, or family, or their work family, or their lack of real friends, or what-have-you, so having to do a hundred reps of bicep curls or flipping ginormous tires or lunging until their legs turn to jelly tends to block out all that other stuff for a blissful hour or two.  You – (Pokes Client on the shoulder)

Client: Ow.

Trainer: – sorry – have the opposite situation going on.  You’re too focused on the bicep curling and the tire flipping and the leg lunging that you can’t relax.

Client: (Looks around the gym at everyone else lifting, running, squatting, lunging, pulling, and pushing) “Relax”?!

Trainer: Let me put it another way: you’re too focused on how not well you’re doing in the workouts that all you can see is the failure and not the progress.  So, I took the liberty of calling in an… assistant trainer, if you will.

(They stop at an exercise bench where someone else has been waiting)

Assistant: (Waves at Client) Hi!  Nice to see you!

Client: (Blinks at Assistant, then turns to Trainer) Are you telling me that you hired the VP’s administrative assistant from where I work to be a trainer here?!

Trainer: I sure did!  Am.

Client: (To Assistant) So you work here now, too?

Assistant: Sort of: they hired me as a per diem contractor.

Client: For what?

Assistant: To motivate you during workouts!

Client: What?!

Trainer: I know, isn’t it brilliant?  I wonder why no one’s thought of it before?

Client: No, I don’t think either one of you is getting it: I’m listening to all the “Keep going!”s and the “You got this!”s and the “Just 50 more!”s and the “You’re getting stronger with every rep!”s, but at this point they’re only underlining how not well I’m doing, at all.

Trainer: So – (Gestures to Assistant) we hired the Admin here to provide a different kind of motivation: work.

Client: Huh?

Assistant: I’m supposed to keep you distracted with all the projects and deadlines you have waiting for you back at the office, so that way you won’t even notice you’ve gotten through the session until it’s over!

Trainer: Brilliant, I say!

Client: That – I – I don’t know….

Trainer: C’mon, what do you have to lose by trying?

Client: Another month’s membership fee.

Trainer: Not to worry on that end; since this was my idea, you’re not being charged for this session if it doesn’t work.

Client: What, it’ll come out of your paycheck or something?

Trainer: Pretty much, yeah.

Client: Well, now I’ll feel guilty if I still don’t want to come back after today –

Assistant: Do it or I’ll tell the VP you’re an indecisive slacker right before your annual performance review!

(Client runs to the changing room)

Trainer: Oh, you’re good.

Assistant: Thank you – years of experience.

(At the exercise bench, Client is now in gym clothes and lying down, ready to lift)

Trainer: So, where did we leave off last time?

Client: (Embarrassed) Between 70 and 80 pounds.

Trainer: Good – we’re going for 100 now.  (Adds weights onto the bar and lifts it into Client’s hands)

Client: (Straining to hold up the weight as Trainer spots) Um, I don’t know, I’m probably going to drop the bar on myself –

Assistant: (Leans down next to Client’s head) Speaking of bars, did you finish those graphs for this week’s budget meeting yet?

Client: (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) Uh, not yet – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) still waiting for more data – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up)

Assistant: (Taking notes on a large pad and nodding) Um-hm: how many departments still haven’t gotten back to you?

Client: (Expels a big breath while lifting) Uhhhhhh, I don’t know exactly – (Lowers and lifts) I think a few – (Lowers and lifts) are flat-out ignoring me now – (Lowers and lifts) I’ll have to start calling them – (Lowers and lifts) or showing up at their desks – (Lowers and lifts) it’s really annoying (Lowers and lifts with a grunt)

Trainer: That’s enough.  (Takes the bar and puts it back on the rack) You just beat your personal record there, congrats!   (Wipes down the equipment)

Client: (Slowly sits up while rubbing sore hands) Huh.  I suppose I did.

Trainer: Let’s try the treadmill next, yeah?

Client: (Stands) Maybe leg lifts next instead?

Trainer: Nope!  I want some cardio in there now that you’re all warmed up!

Client: (As all three walk to a treadmill) But my stamina stinks.

Trainer: We’ll see about that!  Up you go!

(Client steps onto the treadmill; Trainer sets it to a 10% incline and 5 mph speed)

Client: That fast?!  And high?!

Trainer: Time to be bold!  (Starts the machine)

Client: (Starts running and is immediately almost of out of breath) I dunno – maybe a little slower –

Assistant: (Slides in front of Trainer, still writing notes) Take me through the presentation you have so far.

Client: Oh – uh – well – our fiscal year’s – pretty good – so far – under budget – in most areas – we’ll need to cut back – on expenses – in – (To Trainer who is watching a timer) Can I – take a – quick break?

Assistant: Cut back on what expenses?  You just said we’re under budget.

Client: Yeah – in some areas – but not others – those are over –

Assistant: Give me a list of what needs to be cut, then.

Client: Well – (Goes on for 10 minutes)

Trainer: (Stops the timer) Aaaaaand, time!  (Stops the treadmill) Well done, you!  I don’t think you’ve ever gone that long before.

Client: (Collapses sweating and gasping over the machine) I – haven’t?

Trainer: Nope!  And it was literally uphill all the way!

Client: (Starts to slump) Ohhhhh….

Trainer: Right: medicine ball time!

(Trainer drags Client to an open area on the floor as Assistant follows; the two then do sit-ups while throwing a medicine ball to each other)

Assistant: (Crouched next to Client and still taking notes while following with each sit-up) Have you called the vendors yet and told them that our invoicing process is changing?

Client: Not yet – (Sits up and throws) Corporate still hasn’t made it “official” so I can’t – (Catches the ball and lies back down) it’ll probably be next week though – (Sits up and throws) I have a mass e-mail ready to send – (Catches the ball and lies back down, and stays down) I don’t think I can get up again.

Assistant: (Glances over at Trainer who mouths “Twenty more”, then addresses Client again) Well, that really should be done this week, since invoices for the month will go out on Tuesday after the holiday.

Client: (Suddenly sits up and throws) Yeah, and no one actually pays on the day they get the invoice – (Catches the ball and lies back down) so they’ll still get the notice before they have to pay – (Sits up and throws) and it’ll be fresher in their minds if I send it next week.  (Catches and lies back down)

Assistant: (As the other two continue faster and faster) But, it’s best practice, not to mention common courtesy, to send the notice before they receive the invoices, because you just know they’re going to get confused if you send it after, and you just know that someone will pay that same day the one time you don’t want them to, and then we’ll all be up the creek when it was a completely avoidable situation –

Client: (Sitting up, lying down, throwing, and catching even faster) All right – all right – I’ll ask – first thing – tomorrow and – get approval – to send it out – by that afternoon – or Friday – the latest – OK?!

Trainer: (Catches a fastball and raises an arm in triumph) Done!

Client: (Collapses back down on the mat) I certainly am.

Trainer: (Stands with Assistant for them both to look down at Client) Well, I think this experiment went exceptionally well, don’t you agree?

Client: (Breathlessly) Oh yeah – I’m certainly not – stressing about – the workouts – anymore –

Trainer: Perfect!  See you at our usual time on Thursday then, yeah?  (Walks away, tossing the medicine ball into the air and whistling in glee)

Assistant: (Down at Client) See you in the office tomorrow, yeah?  (Walks away, taking notes in glee)

Client: (Still on the floor) Great – now I’ll always – be thinking – about work –

Story 628: `Tis the Season for Taxes!

             (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha up to on this fine summer’s day?

Sibling 2: It’s still March.

Sibling 1: I said what I said: it’s 80 degrees outside, and I’m wearing shorts and a tank top with the A/C cranked up inside.

Sibling 2: Can’t argue with that.  Whelp, I’m not dressed for the beach, and instead I’m celebrating one of the Rites of Spring in getting all my tax stuff together.

Sibling 1: Oh.  What for?

Sibling 2: For… taxes.

Sibling 1: Why, you owe any?

Sibling 2: Hopefully not this year, but I gotta do them soon since I left it a little late, or else I’ll really owe something.

Sibling 1: What’s the point? 

Sibling 2: “What’s the point?”???

Sibling 1: Yeah, why do double-work?  They’re already taken out of your paychecks for you anyway, right?

Sibling 2: …Are you telling me that you’ve never had your taxes done?!

Sibling 1: Sure I have.

Sibling 2: Oh thank –

Sibling 1: Every paycheck, like I just said.

Sibling 2: ….

Sibling 1: So I don’t get why you’re making more work for yourself when it’s already been taken care of by Payroll.

Sibling 2: I don’t believe what I’m hearing right now.  Are you saying, that in your decades of working life on this planet, you haven’t once filed a tax return?!

Sibling 1: Ooh, they return all the taxes to us?  Wish I’d known about that from the beginning; thanks a lot.

Sibling 2: No, you doofus, you have to report your income to the state and federal government every year and make sure they didn’t over- or under-withhold!

Sibling 1: And why would I do that?  Shouldn’t that be something Payroll should have gotten right the first time?

Sibling 2: Well, ideally, but tax and interest rates constantly change, and there’s also the income from the interest on your bank account, and taxes you paid on loans and other expenses, and the extra income from your never-ending side hustles that never get anywhere, and that one time you actually won the lottery –

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, that was sweet; we had a great family vacation that year, didn’t we?

Sibling 2: Of course, and I’ll treasure the memory always, but ALL OF THAT IS REPORTABLE!

Sibling 1: Jeez, Principal, you make it sound like I’m gonna get detention.

Sibling 2: You’re gonna get the extreme version of that instead!  What about all those times Mom and Dad brought you to their account when you had those part-time jobs in high school?!

Sibling 1: Oh, those?  I thought that was because I was a minor.

Sibling 2: No, numbskull!  Well, partially, but once you graduated adolescence you were supposed to do those on your own!  Every year!  Have you never heard of April 15?!

Sibling 1: Of course I have: the Ides of April, right?

Sibling 2: I wish I could reach through the phone and smack you upside the head right now.

Sibling 1: Rude.

Sibling 2: So in all those years, did you never wonder why you were getting W2 forms from work?!

Sibling 1: Actually yeah, I always did kind of wonder since they don’t apply to me: I’m not a World War 2 veteran, and that was ages ago anyway.

Sibling 2: That’s WW2!

Sibling 1: Oh, right.  Mystery solved, then.

Sibling 2: What about 1040 forms, 1099, 1095, anything?!

Sibling 1: I figured they were all just informational, provided as a courtesy.  Kind of like when you donate to an organization and they send you a summary at the end of the year?  I always wondered how I could claim it on my taxes like they all say I can, since I don’t think work would handle something like that.

Sibling 2: This!  This is how you claim it!  You file your tax return and you itemize your deductions so the donations can count toward your refund!

Sibling 1: …Yeah, that’s a lot of words that mean nothing to me, sorry.

Sibling 2: I think I’m losing my mind right now; so since you clearly haven’t filed anything since you left the nest, in all these years have you never gotten any letters saying you need to pay penalties for all the many, many returns you missed?!

Sibling 1: Well if I did, I probably threw them out like the scams they are: everyone knows that a legitimate organization will never send a letter in the mail and will call you instead.

Sibling 2: The phone call’s the scam – the letter’s the real thing!  Usually.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Then, oops.

Sibling 2: Yeah, “oops”: you probably owe a million dollars in penalties by now, and at least five years in jail!

Sibling 1: No, I mean “oops” in that I thought the call about my vehicle’s warranty was the real thing – guess I gotta cancel all my credit cards now.

Sibling 2: They’ve probably been cleaned out for you already.  Listen, I don’t care what you’re doing today, I’m coming over and going through your stuff and your garbage and try to salvage what we can for this year, then make an appointment with Mom and Dad’s accountant to help straighten out this awful mess, and then throw yourself on the mercy of the powers-that-be and hope that they realize you’re too much of a dolt to waste their time prosecuting you once they’ve gotten their money.

Sibling 1: So rude.  And I fail to understand how it’s their money – I’m the one who earned it!

Sibling 2: You like schools?

Sibling 1: Not particularly, but I dealt with them as a necessary evil.

Sibling 2: You like fire departments?

Sibling 1: Um, sure…?

Sibling 2: Libraries?  Parks?  Law enforcement?  Recycling?  Emergency medical – ?

Sibling 1: OK, OK, why are you changing the subject?

Sibling 2: They’re paid for by taxes!

Sibling 1: Really?  I always thought they were financed by extremely rich people wanting the tax write-off.  Ohhh, I get that now, too.

Sibling 2: Argh!

Sibling 1: Huh.  So that means I’m the boss of all of them, right?  Oh, so that’s why those weirdos say “My taxes pay your salary!” 

Sibling 2: Unfortunately, yes.

Sibling 1: I think I’ll start using that line now, too.

Sibling 2: Please don’t.

Sibling 1: Just once?

Sibling 2: Absolutely not.

Sibling 1: Fine.  So, this was fun: I’m going to doze off in my makeshift cabana now.

Sibling 2: Uh-uh, I’m coming over now.

Sibling 1: Ugh, If you insist.

Sibling 2: Since I’m obligated to at least try to keep you out of prison – yes, I do insist.

Sibling 1: All right, I’ll be lounging in the living room when you get here.  You know, this really is a whole lot of fuss for something that should be completely automated at this point in our digital existence. 

Sibling 2: I’d almost agree with you, but we’ve gone so long with this method that the process of converting to any alternative system is just too exhausting to even think about now.

Story 624: How to Get Out of Snow Removal: Lesson 1

             “Ugh, another snowstorm?!  Where do they all come from?!”

“Umm… the troposphere?”

“Ha-ha, my sides are splitting.  I just can’t take the futility of it all, you know?”

“No.”

“You know!  The whole ‘gotta clean off the car and shovel out the driveway’ five billion times, and then once more after the storm finally stops a month later.  And, again when the plows trap us in.  Again.”

“Well, it can’t be helped, and at least you’re physically able to do it.  And have a car and a driveway that need snow removed from them.”

“I know, but I don’t wanna!”

“Almost sorry to say that you have no choice: you’ll still be expected at work the next day, and unless you want to get up at 3 in the morning, you have to clear out everything by tonight and hope the snow doesn’t start up again while you’re asleep.  And I’m not coming over to help – I’ve got my own digging out to do.”

“Exactly!  We’re all trapped in this endless cycle of snow removal!  And what galls me is that it’s absolutely pointless!  We almost destroy ourselves removing the same frozen water over and over again, when if we’d just waited patiently, the Sun would do all the work for us – ohhhhh....”

“‘Ohhhhh,’ what?”

“I just came up with a genius plan.”

“I’m sure you did.”

“Want to hear it?”

“Not particularly – bye.”

“…Absolute genius!” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi, Boss – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> just letting you know I’m calling out sick today < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Really.”

“Oh yeah – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> I got this cough – <Cough – Potato-chip-chew – Cough-Cough-Cough> and a runny nose, and body aches, and I’m whipping up a fever as we speak.”

“You got a doctor’s note?”

“…We need those?”

“Yes.”

“Since when?”

“Always.”

“Oh.  Well, I really am sick < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Mm-hm: with what?”

“Sick of cleaning off my car and driveway over and over when it’s all gonna melt in two days!”

“That’s two days’ pay since the rest of us all manage to get into work without you.”

“Just put me down for Unexpected Paid Time Off or something – ”

“Oh, that you know about?”

“ – in the meantime, I refuse to participate in the perpetual snow removal conspiracy orchestrated by the shovel-scraper-snow-blower league a second longer!”

“Mm-hm: I’m writing you up for this.”

“Buuuuut I can still have the time off, yes? < Potato-chip-chewing noises>”

“Sure, you can have as much time off as you need, waiting for each and every one of those ice crystals to evaporate, until the entire mass is completely vanished from your car and driveway, no rush!”

“Wow, I had no idea you’d be so understanding about all this!... Hello?” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi there.”

“So, how did your snow-removal-by-sunlight experiment go?”

“Exactly as predicted: I’m currently relaxing on the couch, not a care in the world, accepting Nature’s processes and no longer fighting against her forces, allowing my car and driveway to gradually emerge from their frozen blankets millimeter-by-millimeter without me having to move a muscle, and it feel wonderful.”

“Great.  Still have a job?”

“Oh no: they fired me on Day 2 of this.”

“Naturally.”

“BUT, they’re so desperate for help that I should get the call any moment now reluctantly taking me back, with a stern finger-wagging and a grim lecture on how I’d better not do anything like this ever again or that’ll really be it.”

“I believe it.  So, how are the car and driveway doing with the evaporation technique, considering we had snow taller than most people this time around?”

“Oh, let’s see out the window… yes, they should be all clear at some point.”

“About when?”

“…June.”

Story 621: When a Real Snowstorm Comes Along

 DAY -2 

(In a chaotic supermarket, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate their shopping carts through the free-for-all in the aisles)

 Friend 1: Did we really need to come here on a Friday night when literally everyone else is here?

Friend 2: (Focused on the refrigerated cases) Huh?  What are you going on about now?

Friend 1: (Gestures to the panicked crowds) I mean, what are we all doing here?  We live in the Northeastern U.S. – we have had snow before, it’s nothing new.

Friend 2: (Grabbing a gallon of milk and dropping it into the cart) Yeah, but not this bad in at least the past 10 years.  This is the first time I could get to the store this week, and who knows how soon the roads’ll be cleared up before we can get here again?  Better to be safe than sorry.

Friend 1: (As they squeeze through the aisle again) Sure, but what do we really need that we don’t already get enough of on our regular supermarket runs each week?

Friend 2: I just said – fine: milk.

Friend 1: I don’t drink it.

Friend 2: (Reaching onto a shelf and grabbing a carton to hold up) Eggs?

Friend 1: Don’t eat them.

Friend 2: (Drops the carton into the cart) Bread?

Friend 1: Got enough for a year.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1’s empty cart) Then what are you doing here?

Friend 1: Had no plans tonight.

Friend 2: (Moves on) If you’re not getting anything for yourself, ditch the cart up front and help me with the rest – otherwise, run for it!

Friend 1: (Stares at the cart, then tosses in a bottle of juice and weaves through the crowd casually) Nothing to see, just trying to fit in…. 

DAY -1 

(At night, Friend 1 is sitting in front of a living room window and looking through binoculars up at the heavens when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Answers by turning on the speaker phone and returns to looking up) Larder still stocked?

Friend 2: (Wrapping water pipes with newspapers) Always.  You have your heat turned up to at least 65°F, the cabinet doors open in front of the pipes, and water dripping from the faucets?

Friend 1: (Without looking away from the atmosphere) Whyyyyyy… would I do something so wasteful?

Friend 2: To keep the pipes from freezing and bursting!

Friend 1: Pff.  Urban legend.

Friend 2: Urban fact!  It’s gonna get as low as 3° overnight!  THREE!  DEGREES!

Friend 1: Sounds like a scam.

Friend 2: For the love of – you live in a condo, think of your neighbors!

Friend 1: Why?  I doubt they give me a second thought, let alone a first.

Friend 2: They’ll give you more than that when they sue you for flooding their units with all the water from your broken pipes!

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers the binoculars) I’ll call you right back. 

30 MINUTES LATER 

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while curled up in a blanket on the couch) Well?

Friend 1: (Back to looking through binoculars up at the night sky) Well, our association e-mailed us the same suggestions you just mentioned, so I’m all done with setting that stuff up, Mom.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Now if your pipes still burst after all that, you know you did everything you could to prevent it.

Friend 1: (Nods while observing) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: What are you up to, anyway?  You’ve had me on speaker both times.

Friend 1: I’m on storm watch.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: If this storm’s supposed to be as epic as everyone claims, I want to see the very first flake of doom as it descends from the heavens.

Friend 2: Not supposed to start until 4 a.m.

Friend 1: (Lowers the binoculars again) I’m going to bed – good night.

Friend 2: Stay warm! 

DAY 1 

(Friend 1 sits up suddenly in bed, flailing in the sheets and blankets)

Friend 1: Oh no, the snow’s everywhere, I’m suffocating!  (Sees the sheets and blankets and stops) Oh.  Just a dream.  Never mind.  (Gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens the blinds – everything outside is covered in white, and heavy snow continues to fall steadily) Oops.  Whelp, that’s what we pay snow removal fees for – they can wake me when it’s time to move my car.  (Closes the blinds, skips back to bed, dives under the sheets and blankets, and immediately falls back asleep) 

DAY 2 

(Friend 1 is cocooned in quilts on the couch and watching a movie when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Pauses the movie and answers the phone) Hey, how’s hibernation going?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at a kitchen table) Not so great – I no sooner shovel out the driveway then I get plowed back in again; unavoidable, but still tiresomely tedious.  I wonder if this is how Sisyphus felt pushing that same rock up that same hill over and over?

Friend 1: (Sipping hot chocolate) Wouldn’t know – I try to avoid that feeling whenever possible.  Wanna borrow my backhoe?

Friend 2: What – where – how on Earth do you even store that?

Friend 1: I know a guy.  (Slurps the drink)

Friend 2: Well, thanks, but I think by now I should be cleared out for good on this storm, since the freezing snow’s finally stopped.

Friend 1: Oh, so you’re working from home today?

Friend 2: Yeah, we got the go-ahead for that since the roads aren’t too clear yet.  What about you?

Friend 1: Heh, we in retail are afforded no such luxury.

Friend 2: So, did the store close again today, then?

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: I know, silly question.

Friend 1: No, I left a detailed message on my manager’s cell phone saying how impossible it is for anyone to safely get anywhere today, so if even the customers can’t get there, why should I, and all that standard boilerplate; I also threw in that another storm is threatening on the horizon, so for everyone’s stake I should stay in my hole where I can’t damage anything.  (Sees an alert) Perfect timing – I got a response just now.

Friend 2: What’s it say?

Friend 1: (Reads the message out loud) “If I have to be here, you have to be here.  And your shift starts at 5 when the roads will be clearer so I don’t want to hear it.” …. I wonder if I can pretend I didn’t receive this?

Friend 2: Nope.  Careful driving tonight!

Friend 1: Elitist! 

DAY 7 

(Friend 2 stares at the heavily sideways-falling snow out the living room window, then calls Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Collapsed on the couch, still wearing a winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots; uses a pinky to answer the phone on speaker and wheezes out) Yes?!

Friend 2: Hey, just checking how you’re holding up with Blizzard #3?

Friend 1: I have cleared off and shoveled out my car no fewer than 200 times this week, and driven through icy snow for more miles than are physically located between home and work, nearly wiping out at least twice every trip and taking the entire highway with me each time – ask no more of me.

Friend 2: (Winces) Ouch.  We go from middling snow for over a decade to back-to-back-to-back blizzards in the space of a week – I think they fed off each other.

Friend 1: (Sliding farther down the couch) They certainly fed off me….

Friend 2: Sorry you still have to drive into work during all this – I haven’t been in the office since before the first storm.

Friend 1: I’m sincerely happy for you.  I’m shocked though that my job actually did close again today due to the roads.

Friend 2: Oh, good!

Friend 1: After I’d already broken off the reconstituted glacier that was covering my car.

Friend 2: Oh, nuts.

Friend 1: (Removes the scarf and drops it onto the floor) Remember when we used to love playing in the snow, even if we had to help shovel the driveway first?

Friend 2: Of course; good times.

Friend 1: (Uses a foot to draw the living room window’s blinds closed) Now, I just hope the power stays on, the pipes don’t freeze, and spring starts tomorrow.

Friend 2: Don’t be greedy.

Story 612: Is There a Major Holiday in November I’m Forgetting?

 NOVEMBER 5 

(In a café, Parent 1, Parent 2, and Parent 3 sit at a small round table, hastily downing gingerbread lattes)

Parent 1: I’m so proud of myself this year: I finished all my Christmas shopping today, and it’s not even anywhere near December yet!

Parent 2: Ha!  I finished mine before Halloween!

Parent 3: Amateurs: I finished my Christmas and Hanukkah shopping the day after New Year’s.

Parent 1 and Parent 2: Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh….

Parent 1: So, that’s it?  We have almost two whole months with no extra running around to stores and tracking down sales online, trying to find the last item in stock and freaking out that everything’s late?

Parent 2: I think so!

Parent 3: I don’t know – I feel like we’re missing something.

Parent 1: Something?

Parent 2: Missing?

Parent 3: You know, something major; something between Halloween and Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa.  Can’t put my finger on it, though.

Parent 1, Parent 2, and Parent 3: Hmmmmm….. (All three take a ponderous sip) 

NOVEMBER 12 

Parent 4: (In a kitchen making cookies while talking to a cell phone lying on the counter; every singer’s Christmas/Winter album plays on the radio in the background) And yes, children are a blessing, don’t get me wrong, but when you reach a certain number of them under the age of 18 within the near-immediate family, you just get to the point where you say, “Everyone’s getting gift cards, I don’t care.”

Parent 5: (Peeking in from the front door and holding up a string of colored lights) You really want all of these covering the house this year?

Parent 4: (Pauses in rolling dough to look at Parent 5) I said ALL OF THEM!

Parent 5: OK, yeesh.  (Goes back outside)

Parent 4: (Back to the phone) As I was saying: “You all can buy your own gifts at this point in my life.”

Parent 6: (Also in a kitchen making cookies while talking to a cell phone lying on the counter) Same.

Parent 4: (Looks to the oven after a timer DINGS!) Oooh, great timing, I just finished the snickerdoodle batter.  (Opens the oven door and swaps cookie sheets)

Parent 6: (Stirring batter endlessly in a large bowl) Yeah, I’m working on shortbread cookies right now.

Parent 4: Nice.

Parent 6: It’s funny, when you’re doing something mindless, you start thinking of the oddest things.

Parent 4: (Scraping cookies onto a cooling rack) Like what?

Parent 6: Well… you ever get the feeling you should be working on something else?

Parent 4: Whaddya mean?  We already multitask 24/7.  (Transfers clothes from a washing machine to a dryer and then starts another batch of cookies)

Parent 6: I know, but I have this nagging thought that I’m overlooking something important, and it has to do with food.

Parent 4: Well, once I finish these I’ve gotta start dinner, and then work on the gift baskets for the school’s Santa Bingo, not to mention when am I gonna start wrapping the kids’ presents, so anything else that may or may not be important is just going to have to wait.

Parent 6: (Stirs even slower while staring out into space) Something about a bird….

Parent 4: If it’s a partridge in a pear tree, count me out – call me Scrooge, but if I never hear that song again it’ll be too soon.

Parent 6: I like that one.

Parent 4: So did I, once upon a time.  You any closer to figuring out what it is you forgot yet?

Parent 6: (Attention drifts to a wall calendar with a picture of a giant cornucopia on the top half) It’ll come to me…. 

NOVEMBER 19 

(At a mall, Parent 7 carefully navigates through the crowds, carrying lots of large bags and surrounded by fake snow, decorated fake trees, ornaments, several menorahs, and “Jingle Bells” on a never-ending loop.  On seeing a “Photos With Santa!” section, with a long line leading to Santa Claus on a throne with helper Elves managing the crowd and a faux reindeer coldly looking on, Parent 7 stops to stare at the controlled chaos for a few moments, blocking out the jolly carol and the tormented cries of unjolly toddlers, brow furrowed in sudden confusion)

Parent 7: (Muttering to self) Wait a minute – isn’t there something else that’s supposed to happen before all this?

Santa Claus: Next in line, please!  Only 36 shopping days until Christmas, ho-ho-ho!

Parent 7: (Still muttering, now looking at the floor) Before Christmas…. Something else before Christmas…. What could it be…?  (Looks up in realization) Of course!  How could I forget Pearl Harbor Day?!  So ungrateful of me.  (Thinks for a moment) Grateful…?  (Thinks for a moment, then shakes head and dives back into the fray) 

NOVEMBER 26 

(In an office, Parent 8 sits at a desk that is smothered in winter wonderland decorations and types an e-mail)

Parent 8: (Reading aloud softly while typing) “ – and if I – have to go in there – one more time – you’re gonna get it – ”  (Stops typing) What am I doing?  This isn’t going to my kids.  (Holds down the backspace key)

Manager: (Approaches the desk) Hey, you busy?

Parent 8: (Swings away from the computer to face Manager) Always, but so are you.

Manager: Heh-heh, yeah.  So, I was reviewing everybody’s time sheets and saw you didn’t put in for the holiday tomorrow yet.

Parent 8: (Slow blinks at Manager) “Holiday”?

Manager: Yeah, you still gotta put it into the system like it’s a requested day off, except you select “Holiday” instead of “PTO”, so I’d appreciate it if you did it in the next five minutes so I can approve it before the end of the day, OK?

Parent 8: (Slow blinks again) “Tomorrow”?

Manager: Yes.  Tomorrow.  (Blank stare from Parent 8) November 27.  (Blank stare) Fourth Thursday of November.  (Blank stare) Thanksgiving?!

Parent 8: …Ohhhhh!  (Slowly nods in realization)

Manager: (Slowly nods along) Yeeessss!

Parent 8: Is that still a thing?

Manager: …Yes, it’s a federal holiday so the company actually pays you not to work.  One thing to be thankful for, right, heh-heh-heh?

Parent 8: Mm.  And it’s still every year?

Manager: Put in the request now, please – bye.  (Leaves)

Parent 8: (Turns back to the computer and opens up the Human Resources portal to enter the request, then pauses to look at a “Countdown to Christmas!” calendar that reads “29” for days remaining) Thanksgiving, eh?  Amazed that one’s still hanging in there.

Story 611: Trying to Avoid Being Late for Work

            (In a department store break room, Friend 1 tiptoes through the door, quietly opens a small locker, and tries to stealthily stash a coat and messenger bag into it, getting louder and louder as everything refuses to fit)

Friend 1: (Muttering) Get – in – you –

Manager: (Peeks head around an inner office doorway) Hey: need to talk to you for a minute.

Friend 1: (Pushes a bulge in as another item falls out) Oh, hey, um, actually, I probably should, you know, get on out there – (Stops to pick up an item) they probably need me, you know, out there – (Stops to pick up another item) you know, now – (Stops to pick up another item)

Manager: That’s what I want to talk to you about.  (Looks down briefly as another item falls onto the floor) Leave that for now.  (Goes back into the office)

Friend 1: (Hopping around stuff while mumbling) Oh-kay, thought we were all “Safety First” here…. (Enters the office and sits in a chair facing Manager) So – what’s up?

Manager: Your tardiness rate.

Friend 1: Oh?

Manager: You clocked in just now 15 minutes late for your shift.

Friend 1: Oh?  I thought it was only 10.

Manager: If it was the first or even the third time I’d let it go, but recently you’ve been steadily increasing your lateness minute-by-minute, so that I’m pretty certain one day you’ll clock in right as your shift is done.

Friend 1: …Well that’d be a neat trick.

Manager: This is your first and last official warning; next time, I’m writing you up.

Friend 1: Ah.  I suppose there’s no way at this point you can pretend you didn’t see me come in 10 –

Manager: Fifteen.

Friend 1: Fifteen minutes late, and we’ll let this be a valuable lesson to me?

Manager: You clocked into the system so it’s in the computer forever now.

Friend 1: Right.  Guess next time I should just “forget” to clock in and ask a manager to do it for me, eh?  (Exaggeratedly winks)

Manager: That is completely unethical, and next time you should come in on time!

Friend 1: Got it.  Would you accept the excuse that there was a lot of traffic?

Manager: No, because I know you live about five minutes away.  In fact, traffic actually was lighter today since it’s a holiday and there was no school!

Friend 1: Rats.  (Thinks for a few moments) And getting written up just means my permanent record’s besmirched, correct?

Manager: Three of them means you’re terminated.

Friend 1: Ohhhh….

Manager: This isn’t news: it was in the employee handbook when you were hired ages ago and it’s brought up at meetings at least once a year!

Friend 1: Yeah, but you never think these things actually apply to you, am-I-right?

Manager: (Sighs) If I cared more, I’d ask if anything was going on that’s making you late more and more, but I don’t so I won’t.

Friend 1: Good, `cause I don’t have an answer except that I’m lazy.

Manager: Clearly.  (Holds out a tablet) All right, sign here that we’ve spoken about this, then go out there and salvage what’s left of your shift.

Friend 1: Wait, I thought I wasn’t getting written up yet?!

Manager: Not officially, but we have to document everything, including verbal warnings.

Friend 1: (Signs the tablet) Typical corporate shenanigans. 

THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON 

(In the parking lot at Friend 1’s apartment building, Friend 2 pulls into a spot near Friend 1’s car as the latter is leaning against the vehicle)

Friend 2: (Hurriedly gets out of the car and rushes to Friend 1) Hey, what’s going on, are you all right?  You said it was an emergency.

Friend 1: (Pushes off the car and walks to the driver’s side door) You’re here, great: I need you to rear-end my car.  (Opens the door and starts to get into the driver’s seat)

Friend 2: (Pulls Friend 1 out of the car) Whoa-whoa-whoa – what?!

Friend 1: Yeah, I can’t get into too much detail right now, but basically I can’t clock in late for work again so I figured this would be the best excuse to not get written up and I technically wouldn’t be lying.

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: Sooooo – (Gestures to the two cars) you gonna help me out here or what?

Friend 2: Are you out of your mind?!

Friend 1: Yes, I think we established that some time ago.

Friend 2: I’m not going to ruin my car and deal with insurance and the police for something so inane as you wanting an excuse for being late to work!

Friend 1: It’s not inane, I could lose my job – eventually.

Friend 2: That’s a you problem!  Why don’t you just say you got stuck in traffic, like everyone else?!

Friend 1: They’re onto me with that one.  C’mon, aren’t you proud of me that I’ll be telling the truth on this one, strictly speaking?

Friend 2: No, because it’s my car that’ll suffer, and my insurance and license that’ll be slammed since you’re asking me to hit you!

Friend 1: Oh, don’t worry about that: I’ll take all the blame, say I wasn’t looking when I was backing up or something, and our state’s no-fault so it’ll just be our insurance companies duking it out and it’s all legal and no one’ll get hurt.  It’ll be a win-win-win!

Friend 2: Yeah, and meanwhile my rates’ll go up!

Friend 1: …Maybe I can write them a note?

Friend 2: Forget it!  I won’t even entertain the idea of committing perjury for you!

Friend 1: Oh don’t exaggerate – perjury’s only when you’re under oath, so at most it’ll just be fraud.

Friend 2: Not better!

Friend 1: (Tsks and shakes head) You know, you’re putting me in a real bind here.

Friend 2: I’m doing JACK SQUAT!  You’re the one who put yourself in this mess, and with all the time you’ve taken coming up with this asinine plot and having me drive over here, you could’ve been at work for hours by now!

Friend 1: (Thinks on that, then shakes head again) Nah, I still would’ve been at least 20 minutes late.  Wow, the time really is going up every shift.

Friend 2: What’s gotten into you, anyway?  Why is it suddenly so hard to get into work on time?  You’ve done it for decades with no problem until now.

Friend 1: I don’t know; I think maybe I’m going through my seven-year body change, and lately when I’m getting ready for work I realize that I really really really don’t want to be there.

Friend 2: Then either get a new job or get over it, because I am not staging an accident to enable your bad habits.  And what would’ve been your excuse for next time, hm?

Friend 1: I’m working on it.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.

(Another car suddenly backs into Friend 1’s car)

Neighbor: (Jumping out of the driver’s seat and running over to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t see you parked there, are you OK?!

Friend 1: …You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.

Story 602: Labor Day = End of Summer Fun

 SUNDAY, AUGUST 24

 (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a very uneven moderate-level trail)

Friend 2: (Pointing to a branching trail) Hey, want to try that one out this time?

Friend 1: (Glances briefly at a trail map) Nah, it leads to the main road, and also’ll take forever to get back to the parking lot; neither scenario I want to deal with, ever.

Friend 2: Oh.  OK.

Friend 1: Feel free to do it without me, though.

Friend 2: (Mildly sarcastic) Maybe another time, thanks.

Friend 1: (Completely serious) But of course.

(They walk for a few minutes in silence)

Friend 2: I can’t believe next week’s September already.

Friend 1: (Through gritted teeth) Don’t remind me.

Friend 2: I can’t believe next Monday is Labor Day.

Friend 1: As.  I.  Said.

Friend 2: Do you have off this year?

Friend 1: (Unclenches teeth) Shockingly, yes.  I think my manager either feels sorry for me working almost every holiday for years and is finally trying to make up for it, or just forgot to put me on that day.

Friend 2: That’s great!  I’d say we should meet up, but I’ll be away with my family for a really-late summer vacation that weekend – do you have any plans?

Friend 1: Nope: I try to make as few of my fellow workers as possible work on Labor Day.

Friend 2: Aw, that’s sweet.

Friend 1: Patronizing bourgeoisie.

Friend 2: So, you just going to relax at home all day?

Friend 1: Probably, in-between mourning summer’s passing.  I’d invite you to the funeral, but it seems you’re already booked.

Friend 2: Summer’s still around for another month.

Friend 1: No, summer is over with Labor Day.  If you haven’t noticed, Back-To-School is everywhere!

Friend 2: We don’t go to school anymore.

Friend 1: And yet, the sadness and anxiety of leaving summer fun behind and facing almost 10 months of judgment for almost 20 years remains.  You don’t get over something like that.

Friend 2: Well, I sure did – present everyday work anxiety is enough for me to not revisit past ones.  Besides, I thought you liked fall, and apple picking, and Halloween –

Friend 1: (Stops and turns on Friend 2) Don’t say the “H” world before September, I won’t stand for it!

Friend 2: (Continues walking as Friend 1 follows again) Jeez.  That’s everywhere now too, in case you haven’t noticed.

Friend 1: I regretfully have.  And I do like all that stuff, in their proper place and not encroaching on my days of lemonade and flip-flops.

Friend 2: Well, we’ve still got a whole week of August left for all that.

Friend 1: (Stops walking again; Friend 2 also stops) Do we?  Let’s examine the evidence.  (Briefly spreads arms out wide to take in the sky) For instance: this light… is all wrong.

Friend 2: (Looks around) It’s afternoon.

Friend 1: It’s fall light.  The angle’s all wrong for a summer day, and lately sunset is way too early for my liking.

Friend 2: It’s not completely dark until 8:00.

Friend 1: I prefer 9.  And what about that sudden, creeping chill in the air, hm?  Hm??!!

Friend 2: (Starts walking again; Friend 1 also starts again) Whatever: go to a beach or a pool or lie in the shade doing nothing, just please have fun on your last summer day that you actually don’t have to work, all right?

Friend 1: No promises. 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 

(On a beach, Friend 2 relaxes in a chair facing the waves and surrounded by other chairs, umbrellas, several family members playing in the sand, employees removing their companies’ chairs and umbrellas, lifeguards whistling and yelling at swimmers not to go near the rocks, and seagulls stealing junk food they really should not be eating, then takes out a cellphone and places a call)

Friend 1: (Answers while lying on a beach chair in the grass somewhere) I thought you were on a vacation getaway with the fam.

Friend 2: I am – figured while we’re at the beach one last time, I’d check in on how you’re doing on this glorious summer’s day.

Friend 1: Cute.  Well, you’ll be happy to know I sort-of took your advice and am currently lounging near the shore of a local pond, watching the ducks swimming nowhere fast, reading my book, sipping my lemonade, and otherwise doing absolutely nothing.

Friend 2: (Sniffs exaggeratedly) I’m so proud of you.

Friend 1: I’m also doing my utmost best not to remember that Labor Day is the absolute earliest it can ever be on September 1 this year – (Friend 2 ends the call; Friend 1 sets down the phone and sips some lemonade while watching the ducks swim by) You’re right: no point in both of us being bummed out.

Story 601: Vacation Is Priority

             (In a department store office, Manager is completing an interview with Applicant)

Manager: (Seated at a desk across from Applicant) So, I think that covers everything; you were our last eligible candidate for the position and the others were just awful, so the job’s yours if you want it.

Applicant: Really?  Wow, thanks!  I do, yes – want it, I mean.  Thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  Now, I’ll get all the paperwork sent over to you, but in the meantime, I almost forgot: do you have any questions for me?

Applicant: Yes, as a matter of fact; it’s always a touchy one, I’ve noticed.

Manager: Salary?  It’s hourly and abysmal, I’m afraid.

Applicant: (Chuckles and waves dismissively) No, that’s expected; what I want to know about is: (Becomes very serious) vacation.

Manager: What about it?

Applicant: Exactly: what about it?

Manager: You accumulate it over time; what else is there to know?

Applicant: I want precise details: the number of hours each calendar year; how regularly we are allowed to be out; are there certain dates that are completely blocked off; that sort of thing.

Manager: Well, you’ll get a certain number of hours off per hours worked; I’d have to look up what the rates are for your specific position, but do you really need to know now?  You haven’t even clocked in for a shift yet.

Applicant: I know, but my time off is precious to me and I plan my vacations years in advance.

Manager: “Years”?

Applicant: Yes: I had an unexpected job change this year so that throws off my schedule a bit, but I fully intend to take my Antarctica cruise as scheduled in November.

Manager: (Raises an eyebrow) That’s less than three months from now.

Applicant: I’m aware, yes.

Manager: And how long is this cruise to the South Pole going to take?

Applicant: Well, factoring in flights to and from, I’m blocking out two weeks.

Manager: Two weeks in a month that includes Thanksgiving?

Applicant: Oh, I should be back in plenty of time before then – who wants to deal with those crowds at the airport?

Manager: You do realize you work in retail where our busy season starts immediately after Halloween?

Applicant: I’m sure you’ll all be fine without me; and I believe I should have accumulated enough hours by then, provided I work seven days a week for the next few months.

Manager: We don’t pay overtime; and you’d run yourself ragged for months for a few weeks of rushing from airplanes to ships and freezing in an area where there’s practically nothing?

Applicant: I wouldn’t say “nothing”: there’s a surprising amount of wildlife in an area most people write off as a barren wasteland of snow.  I’m extremely looking forward to witnessing actual penguins in their actual habitat, as long as they’re not eaten by leopard seals right in front of my eyes – I don’t think I’d ever get over it.

Manager: (Sighs and starts typing notes into a computer) Fine, since the trip’s already booked we’ll work something out; you’ll probably have to work a long stretch without any vacation days after that to make up for it, though.

Applicant: That’s all right, as long as I can take my next vacation in March, we’re all good.

Manager: (Stops typing to stare at Applicant) What’s in March?

Applicant: Oh, I randomly got in the habit a few years ago where I celebrate the vernal equinox by hiking a chunk of the Appalachian Trail; I know, a lot of people do it around then too, but it’s just so rejuvenating, a great way to welcome spring.  Shouldn’t take me more than a month.

Manager: (Blinks slowly at Applicant) You can take three days.

Applicant: Oh.  But I won’t get very far; probably barely make it out of Georgia before I have to head back.

Manager: (Blinks slowly again) Three days.

Applicant: Oh.  OK.  I’ll cut it short this time, I guess.

Manager: Please do.  (Starts typing again)

Applicant: Actually, my ultimate goal is to hike the entire trail, but that takes about five to seven months so I suppose that’ll have to wait until retirement, heh-heh-heh.

Manager: (Mutters while typing) What retirement.

Applicant: What?

Manager: (Stops typing and looks up) What?

Applicant: Well, anyway, after that I plan to spend the spring and summer tubing across all the major rivers in the country – probably need a bunch of (Does air quotes) “three-day weekends” tacked onto whichever days I’m scheduled off each week here –

Manager: (Turns away from the computer to lean on the desk, facing Applicant) Listen, you really should prioritize actually working here first before you start planning extra time off, hm?  You’ll be in a provisional period in the beginning, so you’ll have to demonstrate that you can do the job before you even start earning the extra hours off here.

Applicant: Oh yeah, no sweat: I just want to make sure that it’s guaranteed I can get away from it all at regular intervals.  If not, that’s a dealbreaker, I’m afraid.

Manager: Strange: those who apply to work here usually are more concerned with – oh, I don’t know – a living wage, health insurance, things like that.

Applicant: (Thinks on this for a moment) I suppose most people are fixated on such minutiae, yes.  Personally, all I need to know is how soon and how often I get my allotted “me time”.

Manager: Life isn’t all about vacation, you know.

Applicant: More’s the pity.

Story 597: We Interrupt This Work Meeting With Family Chaos

             (At a video conference, each attendee’s computer screen is filled with tiles of everyone seated at their remote work stations, all of them at home but each with a background of a generic corporate wall, fake shelves stuffed with fake books, or the beach)

Manager: Hi everyone, sorry for the last-minute meeting today but I just got word from the higher-ups that the project we originally were told was due in six months is now due on Monday.  (Five faces stare back blankly) I would say this is an unbelievable shock, but we all know by now that it’s neither and we really should have seen it coming, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: Don’t blame yourself: we’re all pretty much used to always-moving deadlines; we’re just stubbornly caught off-guard in resentment every time, that’s all.

Manager: Thanks.

Coworker 2: So when they said “Monday”, did they mean this Monday or some hypothetical Monday in a possible future that may or may not happen?

Manager: …This Monday.

Coworker 2: Drat – thought maybe there was a loophole we could wiggle through.  I withdraw the question.

Manager: You can’t withdraw it if I already answered it.

Coworker 2: Drat.

Coworker 3: (Raises a hand) Does this mean we have to work overtime for the rest of the week?

Manager: This isn’t school so you don’t have to raise your hand, and yes, that’s one of the things I wanted to bring up today: overtime until everything is finished.

Coworker 4: But that’s still cramming hundreds of hours of work into the remaining dozens of hours left in the next few days – it’s physically impossible!

Manager: That’s another of the things I wanted to bring up today: does anyone here have any experience with manipulating time dilation to our advantage? 

(There is a crash from the background of Coworker 5’s screen)

Coworker 5: (Looks off-screen sharply) HEY!  WHAT IS THIS?!  (Muffled voices are heard) I’M COMING OUT THERE NOW!  (Back to the group) So sorry, I have to take care of something real quick, I’m gonna mute the microphone and turn off the camera, be right back, thanks-bye!  (Is seen clicking the mouse a few times and then standing up and running away)

Manager: OK, but your camera’s still –

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) ALL RIGHT, WHAT DID I SAY?!  WHAT DID I SAY??!!

Manager: I think the speaker got turned off instead of the microphone.  Anyway, we’ll keep going: right now, I’d like us all to take a collective breath before doing a deep dive into the numbers pool –

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TWO??!!... GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I DIDN’T START IT!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) WELL WHO DID?!... DON’T POINT AT EACH OTHER!

Off-Screen Voice 2: SHE’S TOUCHING MY HAIR!

Off-Screen Voice 1: HE’S BREATHING ON ME!

Off-Screen Voice 2: I HATE YOU!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I HATE YOU MORE!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) I HATE YOU BOTH EQUALLY RIGHT NOW!

Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) GOOD, NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION, YOU BETTER KNOCK IT OFF THIS INSTANT OR THERE’LL BE NO WATERPARK NEXT WEEK!

Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT – NOT SO FUN NOW, IS IT?!... WELL??!!

Off-Screen Voice 1: …I DIDN’T START IT!

Off-Screen Voice 2: WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE SO ANNOYING?!

Off-Screen Voice 1: AM NOT!

Off-Screen Voice 2: AM TOO!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I’M GONNA BREAK ALL YOUR TOYS!

Off-Screen Voice 2: NOT IF I BREAK ALL YOURS FIRST!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S IT!!!  (Sounds of footsteps and then two separate doors being slammed shut) NOT ANOTHER WORD OUT OF EITHER ONE OF YOU!  I’LL LET YOU OUT AT DINNER TIME, SO SPEND THE REST OF THIS LOVELY SUMMER AFTERNOON THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU DID!  NOW, I’M GOING BACK TO A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING, AND YOU BETTER NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE STRESS TODAY OR ELSE I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT!  I’LL!  DO!!!  (Footsteps as Coworker 5 calmly returns to the desk, takes a slow breath, smoothes back hair, checks the meeting controls, and widens eyes in realization; to the group) Ummm… was my microphone actually on this whole time?

Manager: (Finishes eating popcorn) Oh yeah.  I tried calling your cell phone at the beginning but it went to voicemail.

Coworker 5: (Slowly slumps in the chair) Oh… no.… I just got myself fired, didn’t I.

Manager: Nah – we still need you for the horrendous project, and you and your kids made that seem not so bad anymore.

Coworker 5: …My pleasure.