Story 657: What Would You Do If You Won the Lottery?

           (In a diner, Friend 1 is seated in a booth and slowly flipping through a book-long menu)

Friend 1: (Stopping on a page) I wonder what they’d do if someone actually ordered the Surf & Turf Special…?

(Friend 2 hurriedly slides into the opposite booth)

Friend 2: Hi – sorry I’m late; lost track of time.

Friend 1: (Closing the menu) Heh, that’s usually my line.

Friend 2: (Rummaging through pockets) Yeah, I was at the supermarket and took longer than I thought picking out something.

Friend 1: Was it between apples and cookies?  That decision gets me every time.

Friend 2: No – this.  (Pulls out two lottery scratch-off tickets and slams them down onto the middle of the table)

Friend 1: (Leans down to stare at the tickets for a few seconds, then looks back up at Friend 2) I’m confused – are you actually your evil twin?

Friend 2: That’s not a real question, but to answer the one you meant: yes, I decided to walk on the wild side for a few seconds of my life.

Friend 1: I see that – why?

Server: (Approaches the table) Hi, ready to order?

Friend 1: No, but if I ask you to come back in a few minutes you’ll have moved on to 50 other tables and we’ll see you in an hour instead, so I’ll have a soda and whatever the soup of the day is, please.

Server: Tomato Basil.

Friend 1: Again?

Server: If you’re here regularly enough, then yes.

Friend 1: …All right, I’ll take it.  Thank you.  (Hands the menu to Server)

Server: (Turns to Friend 2 while taking the menu and writing on a notepad) And for you?

Friend 2: I’ll have a chocolate malt and the Surf & Turf Special, please.  (Hands the menu to Server as Friend 1’s eyebrows jump up)

Server: (Takes the menu while still writing) And how’d you like the Turf cooked?

Friend 2: Rare, please.

Server: Options are medium or well-done.

Friend 2: Oh.  Medium then, please.

Server: (Nods while writing) Upgrade to sweet potato fries?

Friend 2: Sure, why not?

Server: $3 extra.

Friend 2: Oh.  Eh, sure, why not?  I mean – go for it!

Server: (Finishes writing) `K, everything’ll be out soon.  (Leaves for the kitchen)

Friend 1: OK, now I’m worried: are you dying or something?

Friend 2: Well, if you think about it, we’re all dying.  (Friend 1’s eyes widen) I just figured, once in a while, live a little, right?

Friend 1: (Holds up the scratch-off tickets) Wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with these, would it?

Friend 2: Oh right, those.  (Takes them back) Yeah, I was picking up the usual groceries, and I was passing the customer service counter when it suddenly hit me: I have never played the lottery in my entire life.

Friend 1: I doubt that; somebody would’ve given you one of those – (Points to the tickets) at some point, they’re the perfect non-gift gift.

Friend 2: The what?

Friend 1: You pay the money for someone to have a chance to win, and if they don’t it’s like you didn’t give them anything.  Either way, you’re still out 5 bucks.

Friend 2: Oh, yeah, I guess, but I never actually bought one for myself.  So, instead of the state lotto and all those ones where you have to pick your own numbers, since I might’ve changed my mind at that point, I went to the scratch-off machine and got the highest ones they had so if we win we’ll win big, and if we lose it’ll be more fun scratching off the designs than just checking rows of numbers.

Friend 1: OK.  “We”?

Friend 2: Yeah: one for you, one for me.

Friend 1: Aw, thanks.  How much do I owe you?

Friend 2: Forget it – you’re helping me feel less of a loser by playing these with me.

Friend 1: Oh… thanks?

Server: (Comes back with two drinks) Here you go.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Thanks.  (Each takes a glass)

Server: (To Friend 1) And soup of the day actually is French Onion – you still want it?

Friend 1: (After sipping the soda) Um… how much longer would it be if I changed to a burger instead?

Server: Past the time the Surf & Turf’ll be done.

Friend 1: French Onion it is, then.  (Server leaves) So, when’re you going to check the ticket, tonight?

Friend 2: Why not now?  (Takes out a wallet, opens a zippered compartment, removes a quarter, pockets the wallet, and starts scratching one of the tickets) You should do it now, too!  If you want.

Friend 1: No, I’ll wait till you’re done.  (Watches for a few seconds) So, what’ll you do if you win?

Friend 2: (Still scratching the ticket) Ha, probably put it toward groceries.

Friend 1: No, I mean big.  What if you win big, and literally win the lottery?

Friend 2: (Trails off scratching) Huh….

Friend 1: I mean, what’s the biggest prize on there?

Friend 2: A million.

Friend 1: Woo-whee!  Even with taxes taken out, that’s a nice chunk of change!  So what would you do if you actually won it?

Friend 2: (Looks off in thought) I don’t know… invest it, probably.

Friend 1: C’mon, I know you already have retirement funds and all that jazz – Future You’s all set.  This – (Picks up the other ticket and waves it in emphasis) is for Present You.  And once it gets out there that you won, all your fake relatives who didn’t exist until that moment will appear, looking for a slice of that cash pie, so I say, eat it all now before they get anywhere near it!

Friend 2: (Sets down the quarter) Well, really, I should save some of it –

Friend 1: Heck no!  If you didn’t already have a good job, good health insurance, and all that, I’d say yes, invest away.  You don’t have any major debts you haven’t told me about, do you?

Friend 2: No.

Friend 1: Even better.  This – (Waves the ticket again) would be play money, and I say use it on whatever you want as fast as you can, `cause life’s too short and someone else’ll figure out a way to snatch this from you if you don’t spend it all first.

Friend 2: OK, what about you then?

Friend 1: What about me?

Friend 2: Yeah, what would you do if you won the lottery?

Friend 1: (Leans back, stares at the ticket fondly for a few moments, then stares wistfully into space) Retire.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: (Looks back at Friend 2) You think I want to spend my mid-life-to-golden-years still working in retail?  I’d dump it tomorrow if I could.

Friend 2: Sorry, it’s just – we’re nowhere near retirement age.

Friend 1: And we never will be at this rate.  You should retire, too – we could travel the world without worrying about all the e-mails waiting for us on the first Monday morning back.

Friend 2: Wait, two minutes ago you were telling me to keep my job’s salary and benefits and use this – (Waves the ticket) to play!

Friend 1: I’m modifying the scenario.  If I retire alone, I’ll get bored – who’ll I hang out with if all my friends are still stuck in the daily grind?

Friend 2: All right, fine, we retire – then what?  We can’t live on whatever the amount’ll be after taxes are taken out of $1 million; we probably couldn’t even retire on the full $1 million.

Friend 1: But if we combine the tickets, then it will be $2 million.

Friend 2: It’s still a million each.

Friend 1: Oh right.  (Looks at the ticket again) All right, forget the retirement.

Friend 2: For now?

Friend 1: If that makes you feel better.  (Taps the ticket against the table-top in thought) Maybe we’re going about this all wrong.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Maybe we really should just give it all away.

Friend 2: (Raises an eyebrow) You’re suggesting that?!

Friend 1: (Stops tapping) Think about it: nothing good ever comes from a sudden influx of that much money.  There are too many horror stories of people ruining their lives, and winding up as degenerates, and fending off all the fake relatives.

Friend 2: You already said that one.

Friend 1: Well, it’s worth repeating.  Those stories never have a happy ending, and everyone always winds up wishing they’d never bought the ticket in the first place.

Friend 2: I doubt everyone wishes that – those are just the bad stories you hear about.

Friend 1: And I don’t want to be one of them!

Friend 2: So, what, you want me to take the ticket back? (Holds out a hand)

Friend 1: (Holds the ticket closer as Friend 2 pulls back the hand) No, I just… think we should be smart about it so we don’t become another cautionary tale, that’s all.

Friend 2: OK, how about this: we win a million-ish dollars; we donate 99% of it to local food banks, community services, animal shelters, and the like; the remaining 1% we put toward trips to Iceland and New Zealand so we can say we almost travelled Pole-to-Pole and vertically half-circumnavigated the globe; how’s that sound?

Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments, then nods) Sounds like a plan.  (Fishes a quarter out of a pocket and holds it up) Ready?

Friend 2: Ready!

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 lean over and scratch their tickets in a focused frenzy)

Server: (Arrives with a tray of plates, opens up a stand, and places the tray on it) OK, who ordered the Special again?

Friend 1: (Looks up intensely) We’ll-take-care-of-those-thank-you!  (Goes back to scratching the ticket; Friend 2 never stopped)

Server: Oh… kay…. (Leaves for another table, muttering) I’ll need all that stuff back, you know….

(After several minutes, Friend 1 and Friend 2 finish scratching their tickets and stare at them)

Friend 2: All of mine are one-digit off from the winning numbers.

Friend 1: I think I won.

Friend 2: Really?! 

Friend 1: (Looks closer at the ticket) Wait, no, never mind – mine are all one-digit off, too.

Friend 2: Oh.  Not even a free ticket pity prize?

Friend 1: Nope.  You?

Friend 2: Nope.  This really is a non-gift gift, huh.

Friend 1: Well, it’s the thought that counts.

Story 654: Oblivia and the Monster in the Closet

 EVENING 

(After a long day at work, Oblivia enters her house while talking on the phone)

Oblivia: (Dropping off keys, bag, coat, and another bag in different rooms on her way from the front door to the bedroom) I completely agree: someone should do something about that.  (Listens while kicking off her shoes) Of course that someone isn’t me – I’m busy.  (Picks up the shoes, opens the closet door, and tosses them inside) Living my life, that’s what!... `K, see you on Saturday – bye, Mom!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the bed, then sees a pile of clothes on the floor) How long have you been sitting there?  (Shrugs, picks up the pile, and also tosses it into the closet, slamming the door shut afterward and walking into a pair of slippers on the way to the kitchen, whistling a merry tune)

(Deep within the darkness of the closet, something unspeakable stirs….) 

MIDNIGHT 

(Asleep, Oblivia snores loudly while dreaming of school finals from decades ago; as a watch beeps 12:00, the closet door slowly creaks open)

Closet Door: <CREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK….>

(Oblivia twitches in her sleep at the loud noise, rolls away from the door to face the opposite wall, and resumes snoring.  A grumbling sound begins within the recesses of the closet, slowly growing louder; two bright green eyes appear, then start to move closer, and closer, and – )

Oblivia: (Snorts awake and sits up suddenly) No, I can’t fail Biology again!  (Looks around in the darkness for a few seconds) Oh, no more school: just everyday office work tomorrow.  No big deal.  (Lies down and immediately falls back asleep, snoring again)

(The two bright eyes slowly blink, then the grumbling and advancing continue, getting closer, and louder, and closer, and louder, and – )

Oblivia: (Wakes up again, leans over the edge of the bed to grab a slipper, and throws it at the bright eyes, bouncing it off them) Take that, chipmunk!  The era of you living rent-free in the walls has ended!  (Sticks out a leg to hook a toe onto the edge of the closet door and slams it shut on the eyes, then lies back and falls asleep again, snoring once more)

(After a few moments, the closet door bursts open with a roar as a mighty wind stirs all the stuff inside around; Oblivia wakes up again and turns on the lamp)

Oblivia: (Sitting up) I’m telling you, if I only get three hours of sleep tonight –

Closet Monster: (Formed from the years of mess inside the closet, rears up with a roar) BEHOLD, PUNY HUMAN!  YOUR DOOOOOOOM!!!  MWAHAHAHA – !

Oblivia: EXCUSE ME!  (The roaring and wind stop) Do you mind?!  I have neighbors.

Closet Monster: (Raises “arms” as roaring and wind begin again) AS YE HAVE CONSUMED, SO SHALL YE BE CONSUMED, MWAHAHAHA!  (A slight vortex is created as the wind now starts sucking up everything in the bedroom toward the closet, including the bed)

Oblivia: (Irritably jams a foot against the wall to stop the bed from shifting any farther) Listen, as much as I’d love to hear your thoughts on self-denial and the meaning of life, I literally don’t have the mental capacity for a lecture right now.

Closet Monster: (Lowers “arms” as wind stops again) What?

Oblivia: (Yawning while looking around the room) And now the bed’s crooked.  (Lies back under the covers and turns away) That’s tomorrow me’s problem: nighty-night.  (Reaches backward to turn off the lamp and starts snoring again)

Closet Monster: (Raises “arms” again without the wind this time) HEAR ME: YOUR DEEDS RETURN, AS YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!  THERE WILL BE NO MERCY, NO – DID YOU FALL ASLEEP AGAIN?!

Oblivia: (Wakes up) Arrrgggghhhhh.  (Turns back around, sits up, and turns on the lamp again) Whaaaaat do you want?

Closet Monster: (Puts “hands” on “hips”) You know, this is a proper haunting I’ve got going on here, and you’re ruining the whole thing by ignoring it!

Oblivia: Well, I’ve got better things to do than indulge the whims of every geist who decides to polter around the joint!

Closet Monster: Like what?!

Oblivia: Sleep.  Its deprivation is a serious public health issue, did you know that?

Closet Monster: Oh.  (Rears up again) WELL THEN, SLEEP NO MORE!

Oblivia: Heh: “Macbeth hath murdered sleep”, right?

Closet Monster: What?!

Oblivia: Sorry, go ahead.

Closet Monster: Ahem: SLEEP NO – ah, forget it: I’ve lost the momentum.  (Sits heavily onto the floor in front of the closet, glowing green eyes staring into space)

Oblivia: (Yawns again) Whelp, since I’m up already – is this about all the junk I have in the closet that I keep saying I’ll clean out one day and never do?

Closet Monster: (Perks up) Yes!  YOUR SINS HAVE COME BACK TO –

Oblivia: (Waves dismissively while getting out of the bed) Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know all about that – clean everything out now before someone has to clean everything out after you’re gone, all that jazz – but does it have to be on a weeknight?

Closet Monster: Lazy.

Oblivia: That goes without saying.  Well?

Closet Monster: The tipping point was reached during the haunting season.

Oblivia: Figures.  (Walks past Closet Monster into the closet, pulls a hanging light cord, and takes in the shelves, boxes, and hangers of stuff, rubbing her hands together briskly) All right – I’ll start with the clothes and work from there.  Could you grab some large trash bags from under the kitchen sink for me, please?

Closet Monster: …OK.  (Stands and lumbers toward the kitchen) 

SUNRISE 

(The bedroom is filled with bags and boxes of clothes and other knickknacks as Oblivia and the dwindling Closet Monster are seated on the floor sorting the remaining piles)

Oblivia: (Grabs a sock off of Closet Monster) Ooh, here’s the match we were looking for!

Closet Monster: Yes, but have you even thought about wearing them in the last year?

Oblivia: (Grudgingly) No.

Closet Monster: You know the rule.  (Points to the nearest bag full of clothes)

Oblivia: (Sighs) Fine, they’ll have a happier home with someone who’ll actually wear them now.  (Bundles the two socks together and tosses them into bag) Three points, yay!

Closet Monster: (Plucks an aged certificate from somewhere in the mid-section and holds it up) And what about this?

Oblivia: (Takes it and smiles fondly while reading the faded print) Aw, this was the award I got for my 2^nd grade science fair project.  One volcano among dozens, but mine had actual lava.

Closet Monster: Mm-hm.  And is it really needed in your life anymore?

Oblivia: Maybe: at some point, it might be the only thing I ever remember.

Closet Monster: I highly doubt it.

Oblivia: Oh, all right.  (Places the certificate gently in a box for recycling) Past triumphs, returned to dust.

Closet Monster: (Looking toward the brightening window) The Sun rises – my time in this realm is ending.

Oblivia: Oh.  (Also looks toward the brightening window, then back to Closet Monster) Well, you’ve sure been a big help – I probably would’ve never done this on my own at this rate, and someone in my family would’ve been cursing my memory while they had to sort through all my garbage.

Closet Monster: Then my work… is done.  (As the Sun’s rays shine into the room, Closet Monster collapses into the remaining small pile of stuff left to be sorted)

Oblivia: (Staring at the pile) Huh.  It’s almost sad.  (Stands up creakily, places hands on hips, and looks around the room at all the sorted bags and boxes and the cleaner closet, nodding in satisfaction) Job well done, I should say.  I’m so proud of me.  (Turns to see that the alarm clock is one minute away from going off, and clenches her fists) BUT I LOST ALL THOSE HOURS OF SLEEP!

Story 634: Work Is a Distraction for a Workout

             (At a gym, Client enters in a hurry and still dressed in business casual)

Trainer: (Trots over from lounging against the front desk) Hi there!  Thanks so much for coming back.

Client: (Rushed) Yeah, listen, I only came in because I wanted to tell you in-person instead of leaving a phone message: sorry to gym-break-up with you like this, but it’s not you, it’s me.

Trainer: I know.

Client: No, I mean – what, you do?

Trainer: Totally: we never take anything personally in this line of work.  Success or failure is entirely up to you.  (Points to Client in emphasis)

Client: Oh.  OK, then you know that I’m leaving the gym because I just can’t get through the workouts and I’ve hit the wall and peaked long ago and will never get any better than I was at the beginning, right?

Trainer: Yes.

Client: Oh.  Guess we agree on my complete and utter inadequacy, then.  (Turns to leave, stifling a sob)

Trainer: Not so fast!  (Gently turns Client back around and steers the latter through the main training area, past others working with all sorts of equipment) Usually I’d let a client with your views go on your merry little way and focus on the ones here who are actually serious about their commitment to health BUT – (As Client opens mouth to object) I know that you’re a special case.

Client: (Borderline sarcastic) Oh, really?

Trainer: Of course!  And in the spirit of Memorial Day Weekend AND Military Appreciation Month, I’m not going to give up when I know you still have the potential to be all that you can be!

Client: I don’t know – (Briefly holds up a not-very-toned arm) I doubt I could serve our country with this.

Trainer: Not with that attitude!  At any rate: I observe all my clients closely, and you, my friend – (Points at Client again in emphasis) have a head problem.

Client: As in…?

Trainer: You’re stuck in it.  Most people here like having something else to focus on that isn’t work, or family, or their work family, or their lack of real friends, or what-have-you, so having to do a hundred reps of bicep curls or flipping ginormous tires or lunging until their legs turn to jelly tends to block out all that other stuff for a blissful hour or two.  You – (Pokes Client on the shoulder)

Client: Ow.

Trainer: – sorry – have the opposite situation going on.  You’re too focused on the bicep curling and the tire flipping and the leg lunging that you can’t relax.

Client: (Looks around the gym at everyone else lifting, running, squatting, lunging, pulling, and pushing) “Relax”?!

Trainer: Let me put it another way: you’re too focused on how not well you’re doing in the workouts that all you can see is the failure and not the progress.  So, I took the liberty of calling in an… assistant trainer, if you will.

(They stop at an exercise bench where someone else has been waiting)

Assistant: (Waves at Client) Hi!  Nice to see you!

Client: (Blinks at Assistant, then turns to Trainer) Are you telling me that you hired the VP’s administrative assistant from where I work to be a trainer here?!

Trainer: I sure did!  Am.

Client: (To Assistant) So you work here now, too?

Assistant: Sort of: they hired me as a per diem contractor.

Client: For what?

Assistant: To motivate you during workouts!

Client: What?!

Trainer: I know, isn’t it brilliant?  I wonder why no one’s thought of it before?

Client: No, I don’t think either one of you is getting it: I’m listening to all the “Keep going!”s and the “You got this!”s and the “Just 50 more!”s and the “You’re getting stronger with every rep!”s, but at this point they’re only underlining how not well I’m doing, at all.

Trainer: So – (Gestures to Assistant) we hired the Admin here to provide a different kind of motivation: work.

Client: Huh?

Assistant: I’m supposed to keep you distracted with all the projects and deadlines you have waiting for you back at the office, so that way you won’t even notice you’ve gotten through the session until it’s over!

Trainer: Brilliant, I say!

Client: That – I – I don’t know….

Trainer: C’mon, what do you have to lose by trying?

Client: Another month’s membership fee.

Trainer: Not to worry on that end; since this was my idea, you’re not being charged for this session if it doesn’t work.

Client: What, it’ll come out of your paycheck or something?

Trainer: Pretty much, yeah.

Client: Well, now I’ll feel guilty if I still don’t want to come back after today –

Assistant: Do it or I’ll tell the VP you’re an indecisive slacker right before your annual performance review!

(Client runs to the changing room)

Trainer: Oh, you’re good.

Assistant: Thank you – years of experience.

(At the exercise bench, Client is now in gym clothes and lying down, ready to lift)

Trainer: So, where did we leave off last time?

Client: (Embarrassed) Between 70 and 80 pounds.

Trainer: Good – we’re going for 100 now.  (Adds weights onto the bar and lifts it into Client’s hands)

Client: (Straining to hold up the weight as Trainer spots) Um, I don’t know, I’m probably going to drop the bar on myself –

Assistant: (Leans down next to Client’s head) Speaking of bars, did you finish those graphs for this week’s budget meeting yet?

Client: (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) Uh, not yet – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) still waiting for more data – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up)

Assistant: (Taking notes on a large pad and nodding) Um-hm: how many departments still haven’t gotten back to you?

Client: (Expels a big breath while lifting) Uhhhhhh, I don’t know exactly – (Lowers and lifts) I think a few – (Lowers and lifts) are flat-out ignoring me now – (Lowers and lifts) I’ll have to start calling them – (Lowers and lifts) or showing up at their desks – (Lowers and lifts) it’s really annoying (Lowers and lifts with a grunt)

Trainer: That’s enough.  (Takes the bar and puts it back on the rack) You just beat your personal record there, congrats!   (Wipes down the equipment)

Client: (Slowly sits up while rubbing sore hands) Huh.  I suppose I did.

Trainer: Let’s try the treadmill next, yeah?

Client: (Stands) Maybe leg lifts next instead?

Trainer: Nope!  I want some cardio in there now that you’re all warmed up!

Client: (As all three walk to a treadmill) But my stamina stinks.

Trainer: We’ll see about that!  Up you go!

(Client steps onto the treadmill; Trainer sets it to a 10% incline and 5 mph speed)

Client: That fast?!  And high?!

Trainer: Time to be bold!  (Starts the machine)

Client: (Starts running and is immediately almost of out of breath) I dunno – maybe a little slower –

Assistant: (Slides in front of Trainer, still writing notes) Take me through the presentation you have so far.

Client: Oh – uh – well – our fiscal year’s – pretty good – so far – under budget – in most areas – we’ll need to cut back – on expenses – in – (To Trainer who is watching a timer) Can I – take a – quick break?

Assistant: Cut back on what expenses?  You just said we’re under budget.

Client: Yeah – in some areas – but not others – those are over –

Assistant: Give me a list of what needs to be cut, then.

Client: Well – (Goes on for 10 minutes)

Trainer: (Stops the timer) Aaaaaand, time!  (Stops the treadmill) Well done, you!  I don’t think you’ve ever gone that long before.

Client: (Collapses sweating and gasping over the machine) I – haven’t?

Trainer: Nope!  And it was literally uphill all the way!

Client: (Starts to slump) Ohhhhh….

Trainer: Right: medicine ball time!

(Trainer drags Client to an open area on the floor as Assistant follows; the two then do sit-ups while throwing a medicine ball to each other)

Assistant: (Crouched next to Client and still taking notes while following with each sit-up) Have you called the vendors yet and told them that our invoicing process is changing?

Client: Not yet – (Sits up and throws) Corporate still hasn’t made it “official” so I can’t – (Catches the ball and lies back down) it’ll probably be next week though – (Sits up and throws) I have a mass e-mail ready to send – (Catches the ball and lies back down, and stays down) I don’t think I can get up again.

Assistant: (Glances over at Trainer who mouths “Twenty more”, then addresses Client again) Well, that really should be done this week, since invoices for the month will go out on Tuesday after the holiday.

Client: (Suddenly sits up and throws) Yeah, and no one actually pays on the day they get the invoice – (Catches the ball and lies back down) so they’ll still get the notice before they have to pay – (Sits up and throws) and it’ll be fresher in their minds if I send it next week.  (Catches and lies back down)

Assistant: (As the other two continue faster and faster) But, it’s best practice, not to mention common courtesy, to send the notice before they receive the invoices, because you just know they’re going to get confused if you send it after, and you just know that someone will pay that same day the one time you don’t want them to, and then we’ll all be up the creek when it was a completely avoidable situation –

Client: (Sitting up, lying down, throwing, and catching even faster) All right – all right – I’ll ask – first thing – tomorrow and – get approval – to send it out – by that afternoon – or Friday – the latest – OK?!

Trainer: (Catches a fastball and raises an arm in triumph) Done!

Client: (Collapses back down on the mat) I certainly am.

Trainer: (Stands with Assistant for them both to look down at Client) Well, I think this experiment went exceptionally well, don’t you agree?

Client: (Breathlessly) Oh yeah – I’m certainly not – stressing about – the workouts – anymore –

Trainer: Perfect!  See you at our usual time on Thursday then, yeah?  (Walks away, tossing the medicine ball into the air and whistling in glee)

Assistant: (Down at Client) See you in the office tomorrow, yeah?  (Walks away, taking notes in glee)

Client: (Still on the floor) Great – now I’ll always – be thinking – about work –

Story 628: `Tis the Season for Taxes!

             (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha up to on this fine summer’s day?

Sibling 2: It’s still March.

Sibling 1: I said what I said: it’s 80 degrees outside, and I’m wearing shorts and a tank top with the A/C cranked up inside.

Sibling 2: Can’t argue with that.  Whelp, I’m not dressed for the beach, and instead I’m celebrating one of the Rites of Spring in getting all my tax stuff together.

Sibling 1: Oh.  What for?

Sibling 2: For… taxes.

Sibling 1: Why, you owe any?

Sibling 2: Hopefully not this year, but I gotta do them soon since I left it a little late, or else I’ll really owe something.

Sibling 1: What’s the point? 

Sibling 2: “What’s the point?”???

Sibling 1: Yeah, why do double-work?  They’re already taken out of your paychecks for you anyway, right?

Sibling 2: …Are you telling me that you’ve never had your taxes done?!

Sibling 1: Sure I have.

Sibling 2: Oh thank –

Sibling 1: Every paycheck, like I just said.

Sibling 2: ….

Sibling 1: So I don’t get why you’re making more work for yourself when it’s already been taken care of by Payroll.

Sibling 2: I don’t believe what I’m hearing right now.  Are you saying, that in your decades of working life on this planet, you haven’t once filed a tax return?!

Sibling 1: Ooh, they return all the taxes to us?  Wish I’d known about that from the beginning; thanks a lot.

Sibling 2: No, you doofus, you have to report your income to the state and federal government every year and make sure they didn’t over- or under-withhold!

Sibling 1: And why would I do that?  Shouldn’t that be something Payroll should have gotten right the first time?

Sibling 2: Well, ideally, but tax and interest rates constantly change, and there’s also the income from the interest on your bank account, and taxes you paid on loans and other expenses, and the extra income from your never-ending side hustles that never get anywhere, and that one time you actually won the lottery –

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, that was sweet; we had a great family vacation that year, didn’t we?

Sibling 2: Of course, and I’ll treasure the memory always, but ALL OF THAT IS REPORTABLE!

Sibling 1: Jeez, Principal, you make it sound like I’m gonna get detention.

Sibling 2: You’re gonna get the extreme version of that instead!  What about all those times Mom and Dad brought you to their account when you had those part-time jobs in high school?!

Sibling 1: Oh, those?  I thought that was because I was a minor.

Sibling 2: No, numbskull!  Well, partially, but once you graduated adolescence you were supposed to do those on your own!  Every year!  Have you never heard of April 15?!

Sibling 1: Of course I have: the Ides of April, right?

Sibling 2: I wish I could reach through the phone and smack you upside the head right now.

Sibling 1: Rude.

Sibling 2: So in all those years, did you never wonder why you were getting W2 forms from work?!

Sibling 1: Actually yeah, I always did kind of wonder since they don’t apply to me: I’m not a World War 2 veteran, and that was ages ago anyway.

Sibling 2: That’s WW2!

Sibling 1: Oh, right.  Mystery solved, then.

Sibling 2: What about 1040 forms, 1099, 1095, anything?!

Sibling 1: I figured they were all just informational, provided as a courtesy.  Kind of like when you donate to an organization and they send you a summary at the end of the year?  I always wondered how I could claim it on my taxes like they all say I can, since I don’t think work would handle something like that.

Sibling 2: This!  This is how you claim it!  You file your tax return and you itemize your deductions so the donations can count toward your refund!

Sibling 1: …Yeah, that’s a lot of words that mean nothing to me, sorry.

Sibling 2: I think I’m losing my mind right now; so since you clearly haven’t filed anything since you left the nest, in all these years have you never gotten any letters saying you need to pay penalties for all the many, many returns you missed?!

Sibling 1: Well if I did, I probably threw them out like the scams they are: everyone knows that a legitimate organization will never send a letter in the mail and will call you instead.

Sibling 2: The phone call’s the scam – the letter’s the real thing!  Usually.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Then, oops.

Sibling 2: Yeah, “oops”: you probably owe a million dollars in penalties by now, and at least five years in jail!

Sibling 1: No, I mean “oops” in that I thought the call about my vehicle’s warranty was the real thing – guess I gotta cancel all my credit cards now.

Sibling 2: They’ve probably been cleaned out for you already.  Listen, I don’t care what you’re doing today, I’m coming over and going through your stuff and your garbage and try to salvage what we can for this year, then make an appointment with Mom and Dad’s accountant to help straighten out this awful mess, and then throw yourself on the mercy of the powers-that-be and hope that they realize you’re too much of a dolt to waste their time prosecuting you once they’ve gotten their money.

Sibling 1: So rude.  And I fail to understand how it’s their money – I’m the one who earned it!

Sibling 2: You like schools?

Sibling 1: Not particularly, but I dealt with them as a necessary evil.

Sibling 2: You like fire departments?

Sibling 1: Um, sure…?

Sibling 2: Libraries?  Parks?  Law enforcement?  Recycling?  Emergency medical – ?

Sibling 1: OK, OK, why are you changing the subject?

Sibling 2: They’re paid for by taxes!

Sibling 1: Really?  I always thought they were financed by extremely rich people wanting the tax write-off.  Ohhh, I get that now, too.

Sibling 2: Argh!

Sibling 1: Huh.  So that means I’m the boss of all of them, right?  Oh, so that’s why those weirdos say “My taxes pay your salary!” 

Sibling 2: Unfortunately, yes.

Sibling 1: I think I’ll start using that line now, too.

Sibling 2: Please don’t.

Sibling 1: Just once?

Sibling 2: Absolutely not.

Sibling 1: Fine.  So, this was fun: I’m going to doze off in my makeshift cabana now.

Sibling 2: Uh-uh, I’m coming over now.

Sibling 1: Ugh, If you insist.

Sibling 2: Since I’m obligated to at least try to keep you out of prison – yes, I do insist.

Sibling 1: All right, I’ll be lounging in the living room when you get here.  You know, this really is a whole lot of fuss for something that should be completely automated at this point in our digital existence. 

Sibling 2: I’d almost agree with you, but we’ve gone so long with this method that the process of converting to any alternative system is just too exhausting to even think about now.

Story 624: How to Get Out of Snow Removal: Lesson 1

             “Ugh, another snowstorm?!  Where do they all come from?!”

“Umm… the troposphere?”

“Ha-ha, my sides are splitting.  I just can’t take the futility of it all, you know?”

“No.”

“You know!  The whole ‘gotta clean off the car and shovel out the driveway’ five billion times, and then once more after the storm finally stops a month later.  And, again when the plows trap us in.  Again.”

“Well, it can’t be helped, and at least you’re physically able to do it.  And have a car and a driveway that need snow removed from them.”

“I know, but I don’t wanna!”

“Almost sorry to say that you have no choice: you’ll still be expected at work the next day, and unless you want to get up at 3 in the morning, you have to clear out everything by tonight and hope the snow doesn’t start up again while you’re asleep.  And I’m not coming over to help – I’ve got my own digging out to do.”

“Exactly!  We’re all trapped in this endless cycle of snow removal!  And what galls me is that it’s absolutely pointless!  We almost destroy ourselves removing the same frozen water over and over again, when if we’d just waited patiently, the Sun would do all the work for us – ohhhhh....”

“‘Ohhhhh,’ what?”

“I just came up with a genius plan.”

“I’m sure you did.”

“Want to hear it?”

“Not particularly – bye.”

“…Absolute genius!” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi, Boss – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> just letting you know I’m calling out sick today < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Really.”

“Oh yeah – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> I got this cough – <Cough – Potato-chip-chew – Cough-Cough-Cough> and a runny nose, and body aches, and I’m whipping up a fever as we speak.”

“You got a doctor’s note?”

“…We need those?”

“Yes.”

“Since when?”

“Always.”

“Oh.  Well, I really am sick < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Mm-hm: with what?”

“Sick of cleaning off my car and driveway over and over when it’s all gonna melt in two days!”

“That’s two days’ pay since the rest of us all manage to get into work without you.”

“Just put me down for Unexpected Paid Time Off or something – ”

“Oh, that you know about?”

“ – in the meantime, I refuse to participate in the perpetual snow removal conspiracy orchestrated by the shovel-scraper-snow-blower league a second longer!”

“Mm-hm: I’m writing you up for this.”

“Buuuuut I can still have the time off, yes? < Potato-chip-chewing noises>”

“Sure, you can have as much time off as you need, waiting for each and every one of those ice crystals to evaporate, until the entire mass is completely vanished from your car and driveway, no rush!”

“Wow, I had no idea you’d be so understanding about all this!... Hello?” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi there.”

“So, how did your snow-removal-by-sunlight experiment go?”

“Exactly as predicted: I’m currently relaxing on the couch, not a care in the world, accepting Nature’s processes and no longer fighting against her forces, allowing my car and driveway to gradually emerge from their frozen blankets millimeter-by-millimeter without me having to move a muscle, and it feel wonderful.”

“Great.  Still have a job?”

“Oh no: they fired me on Day 2 of this.”

“Naturally.”

“BUT, they’re so desperate for help that I should get the call any moment now reluctantly taking me back, with a stern finger-wagging and a grim lecture on how I’d better not do anything like this ever again or that’ll really be it.”

“I believe it.  So, how are the car and driveway doing with the evaporation technique, considering we had snow taller than most people this time around?”

“Oh, let’s see out the window… yes, they should be all clear at some point.”

“About when?”

“…June.”

Story 621: When a Real Snowstorm Comes Along

 DAY -2 

(In a chaotic supermarket, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate their shopping carts through the free-for-all in the aisles)

 Friend 1: Did we really need to come here on a Friday night when literally everyone else is here?

Friend 2: (Focused on the refrigerated cases) Huh?  What are you going on about now?

Friend 1: (Gestures to the panicked crowds) I mean, what are we all doing here?  We live in the Northeastern U.S. – we have had snow before, it’s nothing new.

Friend 2: (Grabbing a gallon of milk and dropping it into the cart) Yeah, but not this bad in at least the past 10 years.  This is the first time I could get to the store this week, and who knows how soon the roads’ll be cleared up before we can get here again?  Better to be safe than sorry.

Friend 1: (As they squeeze through the aisle again) Sure, but what do we really need that we don’t already get enough of on our regular supermarket runs each week?

Friend 2: I just said – fine: milk.

Friend 1: I don’t drink it.

Friend 2: (Reaching onto a shelf and grabbing a carton to hold up) Eggs?

Friend 1: Don’t eat them.

Friend 2: (Drops the carton into the cart) Bread?

Friend 1: Got enough for a year.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1’s empty cart) Then what are you doing here?

Friend 1: Had no plans tonight.

Friend 2: (Moves on) If you’re not getting anything for yourself, ditch the cart up front and help me with the rest – otherwise, run for it!

Friend 1: (Stares at the cart, then tosses in a bottle of juice and weaves through the crowd casually) Nothing to see, just trying to fit in…. 

DAY -1 

(At night, Friend 1 is sitting in front of a living room window and looking through binoculars up at the heavens when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Answers by turning on the speaker phone and returns to looking up) Larder still stocked?

Friend 2: (Wrapping water pipes with newspapers) Always.  You have your heat turned up to at least 65°F, the cabinet doors open in front of the pipes, and water dripping from the faucets?

Friend 1: (Without looking away from the atmosphere) Whyyyyyy… would I do something so wasteful?

Friend 2: To keep the pipes from freezing and bursting!

Friend 1: Pff.  Urban legend.

Friend 2: Urban fact!  It’s gonna get as low as 3° overnight!  THREE!  DEGREES!

Friend 1: Sounds like a scam.

Friend 2: For the love of – you live in a condo, think of your neighbors!

Friend 1: Why?  I doubt they give me a second thought, let alone a first.

Friend 2: They’ll give you more than that when they sue you for flooding their units with all the water from your broken pipes!

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers the binoculars) I’ll call you right back. 

30 MINUTES LATER 

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while curled up in a blanket on the couch) Well?

Friend 1: (Back to looking through binoculars up at the night sky) Well, our association e-mailed us the same suggestions you just mentioned, so I’m all done with setting that stuff up, Mom.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Now if your pipes still burst after all that, you know you did everything you could to prevent it.

Friend 1: (Nods while observing) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: What are you up to, anyway?  You’ve had me on speaker both times.

Friend 1: I’m on storm watch.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: If this storm’s supposed to be as epic as everyone claims, I want to see the very first flake of doom as it descends from the heavens.

Friend 2: Not supposed to start until 4 a.m.

Friend 1: (Lowers the binoculars again) I’m going to bed – good night.

Friend 2: Stay warm! 

DAY 1 

(Friend 1 sits up suddenly in bed, flailing in the sheets and blankets)

Friend 1: Oh no, the snow’s everywhere, I’m suffocating!  (Sees the sheets and blankets and stops) Oh.  Just a dream.  Never mind.  (Gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens the blinds – everything outside is covered in white, and heavy snow continues to fall steadily) Oops.  Whelp, that’s what we pay snow removal fees for – they can wake me when it’s time to move my car.  (Closes the blinds, skips back to bed, dives under the sheets and blankets, and immediately falls back asleep) 

DAY 2 

(Friend 1 is cocooned in quilts on the couch and watching a movie when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Pauses the movie and answers the phone) Hey, how’s hibernation going?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at a kitchen table) Not so great – I no sooner shovel out the driveway then I get plowed back in again; unavoidable, but still tiresomely tedious.  I wonder if this is how Sisyphus felt pushing that same rock up that same hill over and over?

Friend 1: (Sipping hot chocolate) Wouldn’t know – I try to avoid that feeling whenever possible.  Wanna borrow my backhoe?

Friend 2: What – where – how on Earth do you even store that?

Friend 1: I know a guy.  (Slurps the drink)

Friend 2: Well, thanks, but I think by now I should be cleared out for good on this storm, since the freezing snow’s finally stopped.

Friend 1: Oh, so you’re working from home today?

Friend 2: Yeah, we got the go-ahead for that since the roads aren’t too clear yet.  What about you?

Friend 1: Heh, we in retail are afforded no such luxury.

Friend 2: So, did the store close again today, then?

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: I know, silly question.

Friend 1: No, I left a detailed message on my manager’s cell phone saying how impossible it is for anyone to safely get anywhere today, so if even the customers can’t get there, why should I, and all that standard boilerplate; I also threw in that another storm is threatening on the horizon, so for everyone’s stake I should stay in my hole where I can’t damage anything.  (Sees an alert) Perfect timing – I got a response just now.

Friend 2: What’s it say?

Friend 1: (Reads the message out loud) “If I have to be here, you have to be here.  And your shift starts at 5 when the roads will be clearer so I don’t want to hear it.” …. I wonder if I can pretend I didn’t receive this?

Friend 2: Nope.  Careful driving tonight!

Friend 1: Elitist! 

DAY 7 

(Friend 2 stares at the heavily sideways-falling snow out the living room window, then calls Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Collapsed on the couch, still wearing a winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots; uses a pinky to answer the phone on speaker and wheezes out) Yes?!

Friend 2: Hey, just checking how you’re holding up with Blizzard #3?

Friend 1: I have cleared off and shoveled out my car no fewer than 200 times this week, and driven through icy snow for more miles than are physically located between home and work, nearly wiping out at least twice every trip and taking the entire highway with me each time – ask no more of me.

Friend 2: (Winces) Ouch.  We go from middling snow for over a decade to back-to-back-to-back blizzards in the space of a week – I think they fed off each other.

Friend 1: (Sliding farther down the couch) They certainly fed off me….

Friend 2: Sorry you still have to drive into work during all this – I haven’t been in the office since before the first storm.

Friend 1: I’m sincerely happy for you.  I’m shocked though that my job actually did close again today due to the roads.

Friend 2: Oh, good!

Friend 1: After I’d already broken off the reconstituted glacier that was covering my car.

Friend 2: Oh, nuts.

Friend 1: (Removes the scarf and drops it onto the floor) Remember when we used to love playing in the snow, even if we had to help shovel the driveway first?

Friend 2: Of course; good times.

Friend 1: (Uses a foot to draw the living room window’s blinds closed) Now, I just hope the power stays on, the pipes don’t freeze, and spring starts tomorrow.

Friend 2: Don’t be greedy.

Story 612: Is There a Major Holiday in November I’m Forgetting?

 NOVEMBER 5 

(In a café, Parent 1, Parent 2, and Parent 3 sit at a small round table, hastily downing gingerbread lattes)

Parent 1: I’m so proud of myself this year: I finished all my Christmas shopping today, and it’s not even anywhere near December yet!

Parent 2: Ha!  I finished mine before Halloween!

Parent 3: Amateurs: I finished my Christmas and Hanukkah shopping the day after New Year’s.

Parent 1 and Parent 2: Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh….

Parent 1: So, that’s it?  We have almost two whole months with no extra running around to stores and tracking down sales online, trying to find the last item in stock and freaking out that everything’s late?

Parent 2: I think so!

Parent 3: I don’t know – I feel like we’re missing something.

Parent 1: Something?

Parent 2: Missing?

Parent 3: You know, something major; something between Halloween and Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa.  Can’t put my finger on it, though.

Parent 1, Parent 2, and Parent 3: Hmmmmm….. (All three take a ponderous sip) 

NOVEMBER 12 

Parent 4: (In a kitchen making cookies while talking to a cell phone lying on the counter; every singer’s Christmas/Winter album plays on the radio in the background) And yes, children are a blessing, don’t get me wrong, but when you reach a certain number of them under the age of 18 within the near-immediate family, you just get to the point where you say, “Everyone’s getting gift cards, I don’t care.”

Parent 5: (Peeking in from the front door and holding up a string of colored lights) You really want all of these covering the house this year?

Parent 4: (Pauses in rolling dough to look at Parent 5) I said ALL OF THEM!

Parent 5: OK, yeesh.  (Goes back outside)

Parent 4: (Back to the phone) As I was saying: “You all can buy your own gifts at this point in my life.”

Parent 6: (Also in a kitchen making cookies while talking to a cell phone lying on the counter) Same.

Parent 4: (Looks to the oven after a timer DINGS!) Oooh, great timing, I just finished the snickerdoodle batter.  (Opens the oven door and swaps cookie sheets)

Parent 6: (Stirring batter endlessly in a large bowl) Yeah, I’m working on shortbread cookies right now.

Parent 4: Nice.

Parent 6: It’s funny, when you’re doing something mindless, you start thinking of the oddest things.

Parent 4: (Scraping cookies onto a cooling rack) Like what?

Parent 6: Well… you ever get the feeling you should be working on something else?

Parent 4: Whaddya mean?  We already multitask 24/7.  (Transfers clothes from a washing machine to a dryer and then starts another batch of cookies)

Parent 6: I know, but I have this nagging thought that I’m overlooking something important, and it has to do with food.

Parent 4: Well, once I finish these I’ve gotta start dinner, and then work on the gift baskets for the school’s Santa Bingo, not to mention when am I gonna start wrapping the kids’ presents, so anything else that may or may not be important is just going to have to wait.

Parent 6: (Stirs even slower while staring out into space) Something about a bird….

Parent 4: If it’s a partridge in a pear tree, count me out – call me Scrooge, but if I never hear that song again it’ll be too soon.

Parent 6: I like that one.

Parent 4: So did I, once upon a time.  You any closer to figuring out what it is you forgot yet?

Parent 6: (Attention drifts to a wall calendar with a picture of a giant cornucopia on the top half) It’ll come to me…. 

NOVEMBER 19 

(At a mall, Parent 7 carefully navigates through the crowds, carrying lots of large bags and surrounded by fake snow, decorated fake trees, ornaments, several menorahs, and “Jingle Bells” on a never-ending loop.  On seeing a “Photos With Santa!” section, with a long line leading to Santa Claus on a throne with helper Elves managing the crowd and a faux reindeer coldly looking on, Parent 7 stops to stare at the controlled chaos for a few moments, blocking out the jolly carol and the tormented cries of unjolly toddlers, brow furrowed in sudden confusion)

Parent 7: (Muttering to self) Wait a minute – isn’t there something else that’s supposed to happen before all this?

Santa Claus: Next in line, please!  Only 36 shopping days until Christmas, ho-ho-ho!

Parent 7: (Still muttering, now looking at the floor) Before Christmas…. Something else before Christmas…. What could it be…?  (Looks up in realization) Of course!  How could I forget Pearl Harbor Day?!  So ungrateful of me.  (Thinks for a moment) Grateful…?  (Thinks for a moment, then shakes head and dives back into the fray) 

NOVEMBER 26 

(In an office, Parent 8 sits at a desk that is smothered in winter wonderland decorations and types an e-mail)

Parent 8: (Reading aloud softly while typing) “ – and if I – have to go in there – one more time – you’re gonna get it – ”  (Stops typing) What am I doing?  This isn’t going to my kids.  (Holds down the backspace key)

Manager: (Approaches the desk) Hey, you busy?

Parent 8: (Swings away from the computer to face Manager) Always, but so are you.

Manager: Heh-heh, yeah.  So, I was reviewing everybody’s time sheets and saw you didn’t put in for the holiday tomorrow yet.

Parent 8: (Slow blinks at Manager) “Holiday”?

Manager: Yeah, you still gotta put it into the system like it’s a requested day off, except you select “Holiday” instead of “PTO”, so I’d appreciate it if you did it in the next five minutes so I can approve it before the end of the day, OK?

Parent 8: (Slow blinks again) “Tomorrow”?

Manager: Yes.  Tomorrow.  (Blank stare from Parent 8) November 27.  (Blank stare) Fourth Thursday of November.  (Blank stare) Thanksgiving?!

Parent 8: …Ohhhhh!  (Slowly nods in realization)

Manager: (Slowly nods along) Yeeessss!

Parent 8: Is that still a thing?

Manager: …Yes, it’s a federal holiday so the company actually pays you not to work.  One thing to be thankful for, right, heh-heh-heh?

Parent 8: Mm.  And it’s still every year?

Manager: Put in the request now, please – bye.  (Leaves)

Parent 8: (Turns back to the computer and opens up the Human Resources portal to enter the request, then pauses to look at a “Countdown to Christmas!” calendar that reads “29” for days remaining) Thanksgiving, eh?  Amazed that one’s still hanging in there.