Story 497: First Day of Summer (for Adults)

 (In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reviewing a large pile of paper with a red pencil; stops drawing strikethroughs and slowly looks up to stare into the middle distance) This really is all pointless….

Employee: (Startles Manager out of reverie by popping around the open door and giving it a cursory knock) Hey-Boss-you-got-a-minute?

Manager: (Shoves papers aside and gestures to a chair in front of the desk) Of course, have a seat – and you know you don’t need to call me “Boss,” right?

Employee: (Sits quickly) Yeah-yeah, sure-sure – listen, I was wondering if I could have the rest of the day off today, hm?

Manager: Why, are you feeling sick?

Employee: Of this place, yes.

Manager: Don’t… tell me that.

Employee: Sorry, it’s just that – you know what today is?

Manager: Wednesday.

Employee: Deeper than that.

Manager: …Burger Day in the cafeteria?

Employee: No, not – ooh, I should order one next time – no, I mean today’s the day.  (Manager stares blankly) The First Day of Summer.

Manager: Oh.  Right.  Great.  (They stare at each other some more)  So what?

Employee: Sooo, this used to be one of the top days of the year when I was a kid, and now it’s nothing!

Manager: No it isn’t; it’s Burger Day.

Employee: Deliciously flavored cow parts, vegetables, and bread are poor substitutes for the utter bliss that The First Day of Summer formerly entailed, and I would like to spend the rest of it this year reclaiming that joy, please.

Manager: All right, you’ve got my interest: how so?

Employee: You know!  Riding bikes throughout the countryside!  Swimming in all the pools!  Shooting hoops until midnight!  Running down the middle of an empty residential street screaming at the top of our lungs that SCHOOL!  IS!  OUT!!!!

Manager: Wow.  What an obnoxious child you must have been.

Employee: Probably, but who cared back then?!  I didn’t!

Manager: Clearly.  So, what, you want to leave here and make a public nuisance of yourself to celebrate your so-called freedom from a school you no longer have to attend, is that it?

Employee: Pretty much, yeah.

Manager: Whelp, we’ve got nothing urgent scheduled for the rest of the day, so go ahead and knock off three hours of vacation you’ll never get back this fiscal year.

Employee: (Quietly fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you!

Manager: (Briefly checks cell phone) I’m almost tempted to say “Take me with you,” but you realize the downpour that started last night hasn’t stopped for a moment and isn’t predicted to until at least next month, yes?

Employee: (Stands) No matter – the spirit of eternal youth will endure in the face of all obstacles.  Farewell!  (Skips out the door humming the tune of “No more pencils/ No more books”)

Manager: (Stares down at the red pencil and pile of papers) I must be doing something wrong with my life.

(Outside the office building, Employee bursts through the main doors and stops to breathe in the fresh air)

Employee: Aaaaaaahhhhh…. Freedom from time.  (Skips past the overhang and is immediately drenched but never falters)

(At a recreation center, Receptionist looks up from a textbook as Employee, now dressed in a bathing suit and carrying a soaking wet towel, saunters into the lobby)

Employee: Hello there – I would like to utilize the ginormous public pool on this First Day of Summer, please.

Receptionist: Pool’s 50° Fahrenheit right now and it’s continuously overflowing with the pouring rain out there.

Employee: And your point is?

Receptionist: City didn’t want to pay a lifeguard when there’s an outdoor shower going on.

Employee: Very well, then: onward to bigger and better!  (Saunters out)

Receptionist: (Shakes head and returns to homework) Kids these days.

(On a residential street, a car backing down a driveway suddenly slams on the brakes as Employee, still wearing the bathing suit, splashes by on a bicycle)

Employee: Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!

Driver: (Opens the window and leans out to yell) Nuts – ! (Is drenched and sputters) Aw, nuts!

Employee: (Continuing down the street; pops a wheelie) I’m flyin’, I’m flyin’, I’m – (Skids into a puddle) oops.  (Struggles to right the bike) All right, then – no hands!   (Releases the handlebar, balances for two seconds, and nosedives into a hedgerow.  After landing, Employee sits up while spitting out leaves) Totally worth it.

(At an outdoor basketball court, passersby carrying umbrellas briefly slow down to stare at Employee, now wearing a T-shirt and shorts, playing a one-person game of HORSE)

Employee: (Spins around several times and tries for a three-point shot; the ball bounces off the rim) Aaaaand nothing but net!  They could go all the way to the championship this year, folks!  (Retrieves the ball, does some fancy dribbles, and shoots again; the ball sails over the backboard and bounces off the fence) Yes!  They win the pennant for the 50^th season in a row!  (Stands with hands on hips in satisfaction as the rain cascades all around) I could go for some ice cream right about now.

 THE NEXT MORNING

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reading aloud while typing a report) “And so, in conclusion, the point is, at the end of all things” – (Stops typing) Why I am saying the same thing over and over?

Employee: (Bursts into the room with a cursory knock again; Manager jumps slightly in chair) Hey-hey-hey, Boss!  Mind if I come in?

Manager: (Still recovering from the jump-scare) Yeah, sure, have a seat.  (Employee slides into the same chair as on the previous day) I’m surprised with your hours in the rain you don’t have all the colds for the year.

Employee: Heh-heh, that’s a myth – I feel great!

Manager: Great.  So, did you enjoy your summer vacation on the company’s dime?

Employee: (With a serene smile) Well, it was only a third of a day celebrating The First Day of Summer, but yes, yes I did.  Eternal Youth in Eternal Summer lives on for another day.

Manager: Fantastic: we have back-to-back meetings with Corporate for the rest of the week and I don’t think they’re happy with our performance this quarter so it’s very likely there’ll be no raises again this year.

Employee: (Serene smile freezes) …I’ll be on the boardwalk if you need me.

Story 483: Walking Into a Changed Store

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll along the sidewalk of a strip mall)

Friend 1: You in the mood for pizza today, or sushi?

Friend 2: You know, I’m actually in the mood for Tex-Mex.

Friend 1: …So one of us isn’t going to be happy at lunch.  (Gasps loudly and stops walking, staring at a storefront slightly ahead of the pair)

Friend 2: What, you suddenly remember you’re allergic to cilantro or something?

Friend 1: No, I’ve moved on from The Lunch Dilemma; would you look at that?!  (Points to the storefront)

Friend 2: (Peers at the sign) Oh, yeah, guess it’s still in business; I thought it closed decades ago.

Friend 1: Which means it’s been that long since I last went there and now we must go inside!  (Makes a beeline for the entrance)

Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Whoa, wait a minute, I thought we were going to eat now?  We’ve reached my five-department-store limit and I’m done with shopping for the rest of the year.

Friend 1: (Sputters) This – this – isn’t – shopping!  Don’t you remember coming here at all when we were kids?!  This is an experience!

Friend 2: (Squints while trying to remember, then shakes head in the negative) Nah, all I remember is waiting around for hours while everyone else wandered off doing whatever.

Friend 1: Ah!  You poor, deprived child.  (Guides Friend 2 to the entrance) This store has literally everything; you can spend days – nay, weeks – soaking up the wonders and not have to spend a single cent.

Friend 2: If you say so.

Friend 1: I do – the video arcade alone was a dream.  And you could actually live for real in the housewares section: don’t you remember the camping party we did here?

Friend 2: Whaaaaaat?

Friend 1: Maybe that was just me.  Anyway, you’ll see how great it all is, exactly the way I – (They enter the store and are faced with rows and rows of identical shelves; vaulted, empty walls and ceilings; and an employee vacuuming the one piece of carpet at the entrance) remember.

Friend 2: (Takes in the shoppers sprinkled throughout the store, listlessly browsing the aisles) Yep: looks like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Hm.  (Backs out of the front door to look at the storefront again, then re-enters) Definitely the same name.

Friend 2: I think you either inflated this place enormously in your mind, or it’s gone the downsize-to-survive route – like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Nonsense.  (Addresses the vacuuming employee, who turns off the machine) Excuse me, where’s the arcade?

Employee: Sorry?

Friend 1: The live-in house?  The live-in restaurant?  The water park?

Employee: I… think those were all before my time here.  (Hands Friend 1 a pamphlet) Would you be interested in signing up for our credit card?  You get an extra 15% off all purchases here for life.

Friend 1: (Stares at the pamphlet in disgust, then hands it back gently) No thank you, child.  (Abruptly walks down a center aisle with Friend 2 trotting to catch up)

Employee: (In a small voice) But I’m in college….

Friend 1: (Picking up random items from the shelves and then restrainedly slamming them back down angrily while muttering) Knickknacks – (Slam) Gewgaws – (Slam) Doodads – (Slam) Tchotchkes – (Slam) Pencils?!

Friend 2: Seems like some useful stuff – (Spots an item on a bottom shelf) ooh, I do need a new sink strainer –

Friend 1: Don’t you dare!  (Friend 2 freezes while picking up the item) I will not feed into this shapeshifting place’s nefarious plot to destroy the wonder that was this magical haven!

Friend 2: Destroy your childhood, you mean.

Friend 1: What?  (Laughs awkwardly and mirthlessly) Nooooo….

Friend 2: You’re just upset that some fixture of your youth that had seemed permanent and where you’d had a good time has completely changed with the years and you can never go back to the way it used to be.  It sounds like it had way too much stuff and was losing money, so it had to adapt or liquidate.

Friend 1: But to adapt to – to – (Grabs an item off the shelf) keychains?!  The indignity of it all!

Friend 2: Hey, people always need keychains.

Friend 1: I don’t!  (Slams it back on the shelf)

Manager: (Approaches in a calming manner) Hello, do you need help with anything here today?

Friend 1: Why yes, thank you: I would like to know when and why everyone here chose to betray their fantabulous origins and become a sellout?!

Friend 2: (Turns away to mutter) Oy.

Manager: Ah, you’re one of those nostalgia kids who used to tear through the place like a tornado with your antics 20 years ago and haven’t been here a day since then, eh?

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open, then closes with clenched teeth) Twenty-five years.

Manager: Yeah, I’m a lifer: corporate restructured, and business has been booming ever since.  I’m just happy I only have to babysit the shoplifters now instead of the actual babies.  (Points to a nearby shopper who is trying to stealthily pocket a candy bar) DOWN!  (The bar is dropped in terror and the almost-perpetrator flees)  Definitely a relief.

Friend 1: Well, I must say, the complete erasure of Toddler Toyland and Accordion Emporium and Go-Kart A-Go-Go –

Manager: Don’t forget Food World Around the World; how I hated that mess.

Friend 1: – greatly detracts from the magnificent Company That Once Was, and Will Never Be Again.

Manager: Whatever you say: we’re making more money now than we ever did back when we had all that chaos, with a tenth of the overhead expense.

Friend 1: (Biting lips to keep from boiling over) So: I have said my piece, and on that note – (Grabs an item from a shelf) I will be purchasing this correction tape dispenser that I can’t find anywhere else and be on my way, never to return.

Manager: Fine by us – have a nice day!  (Walks to the breakroom that can actually be used now)

Friend 2: (As the two wait on the swiftly moving cash register line; nods at the soon-to-be purchase) Not a total loss, then.

Friend 1: Easy for you to say: your world hasn’t been entirely upheaved.

Friend 2: Oh please, it’s only a store.

Friend 1: I know it’s only a store, it’s just – (Stares sharply at the empty space next to the end of the cash register counter) just –

Friend 2: What, you still miss the ambience and joy it brought your lost youth?

Friend 1: (Still staring at the empty space) No, it’s just that – there used to be an actual castle door right there, and the massive void left behind is freaking me out.

Story 460: Extending Summer Forever

(On a park trail)

Friend 1: I’m mad.

Friend 2: Oh dear, what now?

Friend 1: Whaddya mean, “What now?”  I don’t complain a lot.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: OK, you got me – I complain all the time.

Friend 2: That you do.  So: what now?

Friend 1: (Sighs and gestures at the beauty of nature around them) This.  (Gestures at the two of them) I mean, look at us!

Friend 2: (Looks down without breaking stride) Has something happened that I’m not aware of?

Friend 1: Apparently – we’re wearing long sleeves and long pants, and I can’t stand it!

Friend 2: …Whyyyyy???

Friend 1: Because only two weeks ago we were wearing short sleeves and short pants!  And complaining how hot it was and that we were out here melting!

Friend 2: You certainly were.

Friend 1: That’s beside the point: just because our made-up calendar no longer states “August,” Nature gets it into her head to flip a switch and shut down production!

Friend 2: Other way around, you know: the calendar was made up to reflect the flipping switches of Nature.

Friend 1: Still – two weeks!  And we suddenly have to bundle up in our woolies and watch in helpless horror as all these glorious leaves wither up in beautiful colors and collectively leap to their demise!

Friend 2: (Looks around) Been taking longer and longer to do that each year lately, you notice that?

Friend 1: That’s an unrelated catastrophe; my rant involves the fact that it took forever for us to get to summer, and now, oh well, inexorable march of time marches on, here’s fall all y’all, like it or lump it, and I’m sick of lumping it!

Friend 2: You could always just like it.

Friend 1: Bah!

Friend 2: OK.

Friend 1: I still want to go to the beach!  I still want to have ice cream!  I still want the thrill of the boardwalk!

Friend 2: You still can, you know – those things are around all year long.

Friend 1: Yeah, but not with lifeguards!  Or college-kid-staffed parlors!  Or fireworks!  Or super-long-lines everywhere!

Friend 2: You’re right: some of those’re better this time of year.

Friend 1: You’re no help at all.  It’s also getting too night out too early now.

Friend 2: That, I agree with: I miss sunset being around 9:00 in the evening; now it’s just getting gloomy.

Friend 1: Exactly!  And soon enough, sunset’ll be at 4:30!

Friend 2: Well, by then it’ll be winter so we’ll be hibernating anyway.

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about winter!  I’m not done slandering autumn yet!

Friend 2: Then by all means, continue.

Friend 1: I’ll switch gears instead: summer means the smell of chlorine, and swimming in tidal waves under teenage supervision, and outdoor concerts, and outdoor dining, and staying up all night long without thought of any consequences, and parties with your friends, and vacation all day long even if you’re not going anywhere, and carefree biking through the neighborhood streets, and living just for the endless day, and, and….

Friend 2: And feeling like a kid again?

Friend 1: (Slows to a stop; Friend 2 does likewise) Is that what this is?

Friend 2: A bit, at least for you – sounds like it’s the one season you can time travel back to when you were happier.

Friend 1: I’m happy now!

Friend 2: I said “happier.”

Friend 1: Oh.  I guess.  Point is, I want it to be summer forever.

Friend 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Well, it can’t: the planet has to continue tilting on its axis back and forth as it orbits the Sun; flora and fauna have evolved to match the seasonal changes throughout the world; and you’ll feel better about everything if you just accept that instead of mentally fighting it all the time.

Friend 1: I guess.  Unless….

Friend 2: What could possibly follow that?

Friend 1: Unless I figure out a way to stop the Earth tilting on its axis and straighten out its elliptical orbit so it’s optimal summer for our part of the world all year, every year, forever and ever, and –

Friend 2: And that’s a supervillain origin story if I ever heard one, you realize that?

Friend 1: Only if I fail!

Friend 2: You can be really bonkers sometimes, I have to say.

Friend 1: (Hastily brushes off several fallen leaves) Maybe, but it’s all in good fun.