Story 291: Jury Duty, Away We Go!

(Monday morning at the county courthouse.  Members of that week’s jury pool wander their way downstairs to the assembly room to spend the next several hours/days, waiting, waiting, and waiting)

Jury Pool Member 1: (To Jury Pool Member 2) Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?  (Points to an empty chair at a long table)

Jury Pool Member 2: (Briefly looks up from 1,000-page novel) Nope: all yours.

Jury Pool Member 1: Sweet.  (Sits, drops a huge camping bag onto the table, and unpacks a laptop, noise-cancelling headphones, video game console, pedicure tub, submarine sandwich, coffee maker, and an apple) Let me know if I’m in the way.

            Jury Pool Member 3: (To Court Employee at check-in) What do you mean I didn’t have to come in today?!

            Court Employee: Your number’s in the group that’s on-call so you didn’t have to come to the courthouse today; said so clearly on the phone message, Web site, e-mail –

            Jury Pool Member 3: So I took a day off from work for nothing?!

            Court Employee: Appears so.  (Hands back summons form) Enjoy.  Next!

           Jury Pool Member 3: (Stands off to the side of the line, staring at the summons) They didn’t need me to come in today… but work thinks I’m here… I have the rest of the day off… AND NO ONE KNOWS WHERE I AM!!!  (Runs out of the courthouse screaming in victory)

            Court Employee: (To the Jury Pool) Right, everyone’s now marked as “Present” so they don’t get arrested; here’s the video.  (The rest of the room watches a 10-minute video explaining their duties and demonstrating a trial acted out by an improv class, while Court Employee knits a sweater) Great, that's over; any questions?

            Jury Pool Member 4: (Raises hand) Yes, I –

           Court Employee: No?  Good; lunch is at 12:30; bye.  (Never rising from the chair, continues to knit while wheeling self over to the back office to mark off the beginning of another week on the monotony calendar)

            (Four hours later)

            Jury Pool Member 5: (To Jury Pool Member 6) This is the tenth time I’ve been summoned in two years – I think I may start a new career as a professional juror, help out the justice system with my expertise and all that.

           Jury Pool Member 6: I didn’t think it was legal to be summoned so many times in so short a time?

            Jury Pool Member 5: I move around a lot.

         Jury Pool Member 6: Oh, well, I hadn’t been summoned in over six years; I was getting bummed out `cause I thought they didn’t want me to perform my civic duty.

          Jury Pool Member 7: (Leans over to the other two) All I know is, they’d better not call my name to serve on a jury if they know what’s good for them.

            Jury Pool Member 6: What, will your job get mad at you for being here so long?

            Jury Pool Member 7: No – what?  No, I mean, they’d better not call me, `cause I’ll make them pay.  I hate juries.

            Jury Pool Member 5: I don’t know, it might be exciting to serve on one, you know, liven up things for a few minutes.

            Jury Pool Member 7: Ha!  If you don’t keel over from the boredom of “Voir DIEre,” then the sheer amount of lies streaming over you from all directions will surely crush you where you sit.

            Jury Pool Member 6: Well, I’d like a jury of my peers if that were me on trial.

         Jury Pool Member 7: Up until the moment they find you guilty; then you’re plotting your revenge.

            Jury Pool Member 6: Have you had a bad experience with jury duty, then?

           Jury Pool Member 7: Not with jury duty: with trial by jury.  Twelve randos deciding my fate, when they knew nothing about me and believed every story the lawyers on both sides trotted out before them, all the way through the end?  That’s why you don’t hire people based on a two-minute interview and minimal training – you’re asking for disaster.

            Jury Pool Member 5: Wait, if you’ve been on trial, wouldn’t that make you ineligible to serve as a juror?

           Jury Pool Member 7: You would think so.  Ever since I got out, I’ve served 17 times in five counties and haven’t gotten kicked off once.  (Court Employee starts calling names for jury panels; Jury Pool Member 7’s name is read) Son of a – !  Whelp, here we go for trial #18 – time for my nap.

            Jury Pool Member 5: Have you tried emphasizing you’re an ex-con so you can get kicked off by…somebody?

            Jury Pool Member 7: I’ve thought about it, but I’m also sorely tempted by the $40 a day.

            (In a courtroom)

           Judge: (Looking out at the sea of faces, muttering under breath) Oh no, why did they call a hundred of them, I’ll never see the outside world again.  (Addressing the crowd) All right, let’s get this started and done as fast as humanly possible.  (Judge, lawyers, plaintiff, defendant, and court employees burst out laughing) Yeah, I needed that.

            (Two hours later)

           Judge: (To Jurors in the Jury Box) Now, the witnesses in this case are as follows: (Reads aloud five names) Do any of you know any of them?  (Juror 3 starts waving a hand) Yes?

           Juror 3: Well, actually, I mean, we work together – actually, I mean, we work in the same department – actually, I mean, we work in the same building – actually, I mean, I saw them once in the parking lot –

             Defense Lawyer: (Stands) Your Honor, I move that this juror be stricken from the courtroom!

             Judge: Granted.  (To Juror 3) You can get out of here now.

            Juror 3: Oh.  Oh, OK; thanks.  (Gathers items to leave and briefly turns to face the other jurors while smiling maliciously; in a low voice) SUCKAAAAAAHHHHHSSSSS!

                Jurors 1-2, 4-12: [Grinding teeth]

            (Back in the assembly room)

            Jury Pool Member 8: I don’t understand.

            Jury Pool Member 9: What, the whole jury selection process?

            Jury Pool Member 8: No, I mean I don’t understand why this couple would still sell the house when the interior decorator was able to get the renovations they’d wanted done?

           Jury Pool Member 9: What I don’t understand is why the same show has been on for the past six hours and not one person in this room, myself included, has had the gumption to change the channel.

            Court Employee: (Enters from the back office, still seated in the chair) All right, everyone – these guys here don’t need you anymore, so you can all go fly a kite.

            Jury Pool: Eh?

           Court Employee: Go home and never come back until we threaten you with jail time again three years from now.

            Jury Pool Member 10: (As everyone scrambles for the check-out line so they can leave) Wow, I’ve never gotten out of here after just one day; it’s a miracle!

          Jury Pool Member 11: Awww, they didn’t even call my name; I’ll never get a chance to determine justice and embody the ideals of democracy, never!

           Jury Pool Member 1: (Still at work and soaking feet; pulls off headphones when sees everyone else leaving) Done already?  But I'm not finished!

Story 290: Shredding Down Memory Lane

She hummed a merry nonsensical tune as she dropped the paper shredder straight onto the living room floor, followed soon after by a several-foot-high pile of receipts, bank statements, credit card statements, and tax records that stretched out across both the years and the hardwood.  Without breaking stride, she plugged in the shredder, switched it on, sat on a chair, and grabbed a bunch of stray pieces that had been around the top of the former pile.

“<La-la-la-la-la-la-la-> What the blazes is this?!”

She stared closer at a credit card statement dated March 3, 2014.

“Why would I pay over $3,000.00 to this rando?!  Was I scammed?  I was totally scammed!  More than five years ago!  And I’m just realizing it now!!!”

She grabbed her phone and selected her sister’s number.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Only everything horrible – do you know why I would have dropped three grand on somebody named – ” she squinted at the page – “XZKR JQSW back in 2014?!  Did somebody rip me off and I completely forgot?!  How am I going to recover that money now?!”

“Three grand in 2014, hm…. Oh, I think those initials are the cruise line from that trip we took with the parentals that year; this probably was one of the payments for it.”

She shook her head and laughed.  “No, that wasn’t 2014, that would make it half a decade ago, and we only just went on that trip… um… two years… no, three… no….”

“Yeah, it was five.”

“…Already?”

“Uh-huh.  And if that amount was such a red flag, you would’ve taken care of it back then.  What brought this up, anyway – you finally shredding all those papers you’ve been hoarding over the millennia?”

“I am spring cleaning.”

“Well, have fun, and try not re-read all your past bills.  Bye!”

“Ta-ta.”

She definitively shred that statement and moved on to the next.

“Aw, this was my first bill for college textbooks.  Wow, were they overinflated.”

“Let’s see, what could UZAG EGLM have been, and why would I have given them several hundred of my hard-earned dollars?... Oh right, that was the first and last time I went skydiving... 13 years ago?!  That can’t be right.”  She checked the other items listed in the statement.  “OK, I guess it’s right.”

“Why on Earth did I spend the same amount of money every month at that video rental store for 10 years straight?... Oh yeah, I joined their club so I could get discounts and borrow movies for nine whole days.  [Sniffs]  I miss that business model.”

“Oh man, I can’t believe I spent that much on skorts!  And I only wore them once!”

“Ooh, that was the year we went to --------- National Park on vacation.  That was a blast, feels like it just happened… 25 years ago.”

“Boy, those veterinary bills sure were high.  And we only got eight extra years out of the cat after all that.”

“How come my court bills are on these things seven times?!”

The shredder shuddered to a stop, flashing its overheating light as she was forcing receipts into its gullet.

“Great, this shredder cost a fortune and it suddenly decides to die after waiting – ” glances at a half-shredded receipt – “two years after I bought it!”

Story 289: Spoiler-Avoiders Support Group

            (A gathering of five meets in an empty classroom on a Saturday morning; a circle of chairs is situated in front of a mobile chalkboard)

            Fan Leader: Hello, fellow fans: I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to meet offline today.  I’d also like to thank convenience for the fact that we all turned out to live within a 40-mile radius of each other, instead of being separated by oceans and mountains and stuff.

            Fan 1: I’ll say – I’m just glad to see that all of you guys are actually real.

            Fan Leader: And that.  So, to the grim task that confronts our sorry, much-abused lot.  As you are all painfully aware, this is a momentous year across the fandoms, with not one but two major franchises that have occupied such significant parts of our lives both coming to a definitive end.

            Fan 2: Heh, for now.

          Fan Leader: Prequels, sequels, spin-offs, and reboots don’t count: the true storylines will be over, and all the creative talent involved in them have long since moved on to live theater with a sigh of relief.

         Fan 3: Yeah, I already have tickets to see ----- ----- in Hamlet, even though I’ve seen it a bajillion times with every actor ever, and the ending always still bums me out.

            Fan Leader: Cheers.  Now, the crux of the issue is that, due to our schedules and sad budgets, we can keep up with the TV saga but the movie will have to wait at least five days for us to see it in theaters so we can get the reasonably priced tickets, and, let’s face it, five days are an eternity.   It is times like these that I regret that I am a mere Fan and can never be a Superfan who stood on line for a month to see the pre-midnight premiere.

            Fan 4: I heard that some Superfans were able to see the movie before it was even released – still not sure how they managed that one.

            Fan Leader: They have their wily ways.  Continuing my theme: the other problem that faces us unworthies is this: the fandoms for the two franchises intersect.

          Fan 1: Tell me about it!  I was checking out trailers for the movie and I saw someone randomly posted a comment there about how ----- on the TV show wound up saving ----- and then went to ----- and did -----, a full two weeks before that episode aired!  Why would someone do that?!

         Fan Leader: (Shakes head) Disgusting.  So, since garbage like that will only multiply exponentially in the coming week, we need to formulate a plan of defense.  (Turns to the chalkboard and writes “Strategies to Avoid Spoilers,” then turns back to the group)  I’m open to suggestions, `cause right now I’ve got nothing.

            Fan 2: (Raises hand) Ooh, ooh!  I’ve got one: if you see someone post a spoiler, track down where they live through the IP address, go to their house, and break their fingers.  (Everyone else stares at Fan 2) So they can’t type anything ever again!  C’mon, it’s genius!

            Fan Leader: In theory, yes, it’s the bee’s knees; in reality, it’s psychopathic.  Anyone else?

            Fan 3: I’ve got the perfect solution.

          (Takes a plane to the Canadian Rockies and hikes to the top of a peak facing a lake.  It is a beautiful day, the sun is shining, animals are doing their thing, and there is a mild zephyr soothing all it passes)

            Fan 3: (Inhales fully and exhales satisfactorily, taking in the grand vista) So this is the grand adventure they call Life.  (Sits cross-legged on the ground, closes eyes, and meditates with a small smile)

            (Hikers pass on the nearby trail)

            Hiker 1: So in the movie, how did you feel about what happened to -----?

          Hiker 2: I hated it, so much: how could they just sacrifice themselves for that nobody, and that’s that?  Such a disappointing conclusion for such a strong character.

            Fan 3: (Eyes snap open) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            (Back in the classroom; four are gathered)

            Fan Leader: (Crosses out “1. Isolate self in the middle of nowhere” on the chalkboard) Whelp, apparently there is no “middle of nowhere” when it comes to humanity.  Anybody else?

           Fan 4: Maybe we should just stay offline for the next few days and tell everyone we see to shut up before they say a word?

          Fan Leader: Hmm, that’s a possibility.  (Writes “2. Block everyone in life”) Might be a bit tricky to execute; I mean, could we even stay offline for that long?  (Everyone, including Fan Leader, looks at the phone in their hand) Well?

            (There is a knock on the ajar door; the person there is holding a box of tissues)

            Superfan: Excuse me, is this the [Movie] Mourners Support Group?

            Fan Leader: (Gasps in horror) Was that a spoiler?!

           Superfan: No; everybody knows this is final for those characters whose actors’ contracts are up.  At least for the next five years, when the roles are recast.

            Fan Leader: Oh thank goodness; I think your group’s farther down the hall.

            Superfan: (Sniffles) Thanks.  (Starts to leave)

            Fan 1: (Stands) I have to ask: how bad is the emotional damage?

            Superfan: (Looks mournfully at the group) All I can say is: be strong.  (Shuffles off)

           Fan 1: (Sits) Ooh, what’d they mean by that?  Is it the ----- ship?  I bet it’s the ----- ship – I just know the writers are gonna sink it and take us all down with it!

            Fan 2: Yeah, that one doesn’t do anything for me: I’m only a ----- shipper, on the TV show.

            Fan 1: Really?  Those two?  They’re kind of dorky.

            Fan 2: I know, and that’s what makes it so beautiful.  And all the heart eyes!  I just melt every time they stare at each other for hours on end.

           Fan 4: The way the show’s going, though, they’re either going to get killed off or break up like idiots to annoy us all.

            Fan 2: I don’t care at this point: fan service or not, no one can take the first half of Episode #735 away from me.

            Fan Leader: Focus, my darlings!  Now, I’ve started wondering if we actually should go on the offensive here.

            Fan 1: What do you mean?

            Fan Leader: This.  (Writes “3. Flood all social media with spam bots so the sites crash and no one can post anything on anything until after we see the movie.”  Flings down the chalk and grabs wrist) Whew!  That’s a cramp.

            Fan 4: (Ponders with hand on chin) That’s a very tempting scenario for online, but what do we do IRL?

            Fan Leader: (Uncomprehending) “Earl?”

            Fan 4: (With a “duh” inflection) “In Real Life?”

           Fan Leader: No need for sass; when you speak text you’re gonna get misunderstood with the homophones!

            Fan 4: Oh.  Did not realize that.  Smack My Head.

          Fan Leader: Better.  And to answer your question, I think the only solution right now is to cover our ears and hum showtunes everywhere we go for the next 100-something hours.

            Fan 2: Yeah, especially when we get to the theater – with the amount of people talking about it in the lobby while they’re leaving and we’re just coming in, `cause this’ll be the seventeenth time they’ve seen it when it’s just our first, we’ll be at our most vulnerable!

        Fan Leader: That we will.  I have taken the liberty of ordering us all noise cancelling headphones that I instructed be delivered here immediately by drone, so they should help a bit.

            (The door bangs open the rest of the way; the group sharply turns to face the intruder)

            Toxic Fan: Hello, nerds.  Rumor has it you haven’t seen the ----- movie yet.

            Fan Leader: That’s a filthy lie: of course we’ve seen it!  Multiple times!

            Fan 1: Yeah, at least twice a day every day since it’s been out!

           Fan 4: (Holds up phone) I’m watching it right now!  My love for its awesomeness has made me a movie pirate and I will not apologize for my newfound life of crime!

            Toxic Fan: (Saunters over to the group and pulls up a chair to sit) Well, then you won’t mind me staring up a discussion about how at the end they undid –

            Fan Leader: (Stands and points a stun gun at Toxic Fan) GET THE ---- OUT OF HERE!

            Toxic Fan: (Raises hands in surrender and backs towards the door as the other fans also stand) Whoa, easy there partner, just wanted to process all the feels with you guys about how –

           (Fans pelt Toxic Fan with rotten tomatoes until the latter runs out the door.  They then collapse back onto the chairs)

            Fan Leader: I don’t know – is this a lost cause?

           Fan 1: Maybe not.  Maybe we just have to accept that we’ll be spoiled on at least one major plot point before the week is out, and hope we can avoid hearing anything else.

            (They stare at the floor in silence for a few moments)

            Fan 2: You do realize we’re going to have to go through all this again when the last movie in the ----- series comes out in December, right?

Fan Leader: Devotion sure is exhausting.