(At a toddler’s birthday party)
Parent: (Greeting Relative in the crowded living room) Thank you so much for coming!
Relative: Sure – listen, I don’t know what the kids are into nowadays so I got the little tyke one of those credit card gift cards they sell at the supermarket. (Hands over a gift card that has a tiny bow stuck on it) Tell `em “Go to town.”
Parent: (Gingerly takes the card) Oh, thank you – he is only turning 3, and if you weren’t sure what to get you could always call or e-mail me, that’d’ve been fine.
Relative: Yeah, I didn’t think of that. Guess there’s always next year, right? (Looks around at family and friends scattered about or romping about the room and furniture) So what’s next; I never know what to do at these things. Any entertainment stopping by later?
Parent: Please just eat something.
(At a holiday get-together in a house)
Cousin: Oh hi, it’s so nice to see you; how’ve you been?
Relative: Could be worse – you?
Cousin: I’m good. Remember last time we were all together like this, what was it, somebody’s 90th birthday party?
Relative: I’m gonna be honest with you: these get-togethers and the people in them are all a blur, so I never remember your name or how exactly we’re related.
Cousin: Oh. Our parents are cousins so we have the same great-grandparents – I think that makes us first cousins once removed? Or second cousins? I never know the difference.
Relative: Sounds too distant for me to care; as long as you make me laugh and aren’t too judgy, we’re good.
Cousin: …OK, I’m going to help set the table for dinner – nice talking to you. (Heads to the kitchen)
Relative: Same here. (Spreads across a couch and snacks on crackers and cheese) I’m gonna stay out of the way of setting up or clearing up or cleaning up or any of that – wouldn’t want to presume in someone else’s house. (Grabs the last napkin) Aaaaand I forgot how we’re related again already.
(At a wedding reception)
Relative: (Sitting with other haphazard family members) Hi. (Nods in greeting at each person) How many hours’re left in this thing?
Distant Cousin 1: Well, they just served the pasta and salad so we’ve got quite a bit to go yet.
Distant Cousin 2: You know, technically you can leave whenever you want, heh-heh-heh.
Relative: That is true. (Fiddles with the flowers on the centerpiece) I already sat through the disappointingly long ceremony; you don’t think anyone’d notice me leaving if I got up and walked out right now?
Distant Cousin 3: I’d notice!
Relative: And what’s it to you? You’re 5 years old and this is your first wedding – you haven’t experienced enough of the inane horrors of these things to have an opinion yet. But you will.
Distant Cousin 1: At least stay for the main course, and the happy couple also’ll stop by later to thank us for coming so you should experience that.
Distant Cousin 2: Oh yeah, I see they’re bringing the fancy box with them so I’ll give our gift then.
Relative: What’re you talking about?
Distant Cousin 2: (Holds up an envelope) When they come over, I’ll just drop this in the box.
Relative: What, you got them another “Happy Wedding” card?
(The Distant Cousins stare at Relative)
Distant Cousin 1: It’s the wedding gift.
Relative: I sent them a bunch of wooden spoons ages ago, what more do they want?
Distant Cousin 2: You seriously didn’t bring anything tonight?
Relative: Unless you’ve got a washing machine in there I’m assuming you mean money, and in that case why should I? I didn’t tell them to take on all this expense or start a blessed life together in unified debt!
Distant Cousin 3: You’re supposed to cover your plate.
Relative: That’s rubbish – they invited me!
Distant Cousin 1: They are family.
Relative: Yeah, family just means you think you can impose; tell them to write me out of the will and we’ll be even – ooh, prime rib’s here! (Devours entrĂ©e and ignores the couple when they arrive)
(At home, Relative’s phone rings)
Relative: (Answers while reading a magazine) What’s up?
Mother: It’s your mother – what is this I hear you’re not going to your niece’s graduation?!
Relative: Oh, should I be?
Mother: Yes! She’s your niece!
Relative: Just because one of my siblings decided to have a kid doesn’t make their goings-on any more meaningful to my life.
Mother: You –
Relative: Anyway, I thought it was optional, like “Hey, if you have nothing to do on a weekday and want to sit on uncomfortable bleachers in the baking sun for four hours,” that sort of thing. I planned on cutting work and watching movies that day; it’s marked on my calendar.
Mother: You’d better be there and you’d better bring a gift this time!
Relative: Ugh, what is it with everyone and gifts?! Besides, she just finished school, we’ve all done it, no big deal.
Mother: She’s getting her doctoral degree!
Relative: Oh. Really? Must’ve missed when she started that; good for her.
Mother: You really are clueless – and while we’re at it, would it kill you to visit your grandparents every once in a while?
Relative: …Do you mean literally?
Mother: I can’t believe you come from the same gene pool as the rest of us! (Hangs up)
Relative: (Tosses away the phone while flipping through the magazine some more; mutters to self) Families sure are exhausting.
