Story 640: Last Generation/Next Generation: 1776/1808

 (Originally written as a one-act play in 2021) 

            1776 

(In a farmhouse, there is a living area with a large table to the right side and three wooden chairs, two on the right and one on the left; one door at the left that leads outside and one door at the right that leads to the kitchen.  William is pacing the room, and then abruptly opens the outside door)

William: (Shouts outside) Benjamin, get in here!  (Leaves the door open and sits on one of the chairs on the right)

Benjamin: (Slouches in from outside) Yes, Father?

William: Sit down, Son; I want to speak with you.  (Benjamin closes the door and sits on the chair on the left, slumping in the seat) Now, seeing as you are nearly a man and I have barely said five words to you since your birth, you know that me summoning you here must be of great import.

Benjamin: (Borderline sullen) Yes, Father.

William: (Pauses when sensing the sass, then chooses to ignore it) Hm.  So, I have been observing your behavior these past few months, and I can no longer remain silent whilst you engage in activities that are becoming increasingly destructive, both to yourself and to this family.

Benjamin: I do not know of what you speak, Father.

William: (Reaches beside his chair and holds up a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag) Have any idea from whence this came, then?  Are you concerned of late about the welfare of rattlesnakes, perchance?

Benjamin: (Stands abruptly) Give that back!

William: Mind your tone, insolent pup.  (Benjamin slowly sits again) Whilst you are under my roof, you will fear and tremble before me as any child should before their sire!  Now, what is this – (Shakes the flag at Benjamin, then angrily snaps it back to the floor next to his chair) all about?  Tell me it is anything but you getting yourself mixed up with those… treasonous, rabble-rousing, rebellious anarchists!

Benjamin: They are called Patriots, Father!

William: Patriots, my foot!  If they actually were patriots, they would remain loyal to their King!

Benjamin: But when a king is not loyal to his subjects and treats them little better than serfs, what choice do they have but to fight for their freedom, their rights, their dignity?!  That is patriotism, Father – loyalty to one’s country and to the people in it!

William: (Holds his hands over his ears and rocks back and forth) Treason talk!  Treason talk!  La-la-la-la-la-la!

Benjamin: (Makes a sound of disgust) You just do not understand!  You, with your life of comfort and ease, what would you know what the rest of us suffer?

William: (No longer holding his ears) In what house did you grow up?  You seem to forget that, back in my day, I survived not one but two bouts of smallpox, along with having to serve in the French and Indian War, even though I had no interest in fighting over which country took more of the Native peoples’ lands, but did I complain?  No, I did my duty!  Not to mention that this farm is hardly Buckingham Palace, and every day I labor to keep you fed, and clothed, and sheltered!  As a matter of fact, this is the longest amount of time I have sat in one place in over 25 years!

Benjamin: That is all well and good, but relatively speaking, you live a life of luxury.

William: Ha!  You have a funny way of seeing the world – you get that from your mother.

(A woman enters from the door on the right, wiping her sweaty face with a burned apron)

Mary: (Nearly breathless) You called, William?

William: This does not concern you, Mary – back to the kitchen with ye, and do not show your face again unless it is to say that dinner is served!

Mary: Of course!  (Turns and mutters) Tyrant.  (Labors back in the kitchen)

William: And so, Benjamin, I am not familiar with this luxury in which you believe I reside: do explain.

Benjamin: Think on it, Father: whilst thousands live on the streets or out in the woods, scrambling for scraps, we are able to eat wholesome meals every day, and have two entire rooms to call our own.

William: Well-earned, I thank you.

Benjamin: And all that you say you suffer, you know that would be lessened if the taxes on… everything were not so many nor so high!

William: Heh!  Do not remind me of those – barely make enough to prevent us from living in the woods.

Benjamin: And remember when we had to house those soldiers last winter, in our home, whilst we struggled not to freeze to death in the barn?

William: Like it or nay, that was our duty.

Benjamin: It should not have been!  Practically made a servant, on your own property!  Just one of many Intolerable Acts – (William scoffs) yes, Intolerable, I say!  And not being allowed to have our own town meetings; the port of Boston closed; civilians fired upon!  We must break free from our chains of slavery, Father!

William: (Crooks an eyebrow at him) And whilst you are breaking your supposed chains, will you also be breaking the actual chains currently on the actual enslaved people in this country, hm?

Benjamin: (Fidgets) Uh….

William: Well?

Benjamin: (In a small voice) Baby steps.

William: (Waves him off) Argh, you are all noise.  You whine about trifles and cause a lot of turmoil for everyone, yet have no conception of how to get any of the real work done!  We are fine as we are, Son, and any troubles we face are as temporary as everything else in life, just – leave it be!

Benjamin: (Stands in a passion) Never!  Not whilst we live in oppression under a tyrant!

William: (Also stands) And what exactly do you plan to do with your newfound freedom?  Go toss some more perfectly good tea into the harbor?  (Gasps in horror) You were not part of that shameful display those ridiculous Sons of Liberty partook in, were you?!

Benjamin: (Sits) Only because I missed the planning meeting, to my eternal regret.

William: (Buries his head in his hands while sinking back into his chair) Oh, that I should live to see the day when a son of mine became a common rebel!  Woe is me, that I must be confronted with his wrongheaded behavior, insensible to all reason – (Benjamin rolls his eyes, takes a knife and a stick out of his pockets, and starts whittling) not a single ounce of respect for his aged father, no gratitude, no – (Lowers his hands and sees Benjamin whittling) Are – are you – dare you whittle whilst I am speaking to you?!

Benjamin: (Stands again) Yes, Father, I dare: I dare to stand up for what I believe in, to fight for what is right, for myself and for my fellow Americans –

William: (Clutches his chest in horror) Ah!

Benjamin: – and if that means defying you and everything you represent, then so be it!  (Pockets the knife and stick, stalks to the outside door, opens it, and turns back) I hold no anger in my heart toward you, Father: only pity.  I just hope one day you fully understand how wrong you have been.  (Exits, leaving the door open)

William: And I just hope one day you have a son JUST LIKE YOU! 

1808 

(In a farmhouse, there is a living area with a large table to the right side and three wooden chairs, two on the right and one on the left; one door at the left that leads outside and one door at the right that leads to the kitchen.  Benjamin, older and looking very much like William, is pacing the room, and then abruptly opens the outside door)

Benjamin: (Shouts outside) Thomas, get in here! (Leaves the door open and sits on one of the chairs on the right)

            Thomas: (Slouches in from outside) Yes, Father?

Benjamin: Sit down, Son; I want to speak with you.  (Thomas closes the door and sits on the chair on the left, slumping in the seat) Now, seeing as you are nearly a man and I have barely said five words to you since your birth, you know that me summoning you here must be of great import.

            Thomas: (Borderline sullen) Yes, Father.

Benjamin: (Pauses when sensing the sass, then chooses to ignore it) Hm.  So, I have been observing your behavior these past few months, and I can no longer remain silent whilst you engage in activities that are becoming increasingly destructive, both to yourself and to this family.

            Thomas: I do not know of what you speak, Father.

Benjamin: (Reaches besides his chair and holds up a “No Embargo!” sign) I know a rebel when I see one.

Thomas: (Slumps further) Oh Father, what would you know about tyranny and oppression?                                                                

Benjamin: (Drops the sign, flabbergasted) I – you – I would have you know that I risked my life to make this country free; I was fighting the rule of dictators before you were even born; and I will eat my hat if a son of mine claims to know more about tyranny and oppression than I do!

Thomas: Yes, Father, we know all about you risking everything so that Mother and I would be safe from tyranny and oppression.

(A woman enters from the door on the right, wiping her sweaty face with a burned apron)                        

Martha : (Nearly breathless) You called, Thomas?

            Benjamin: This does not concern you, Martha – back in the kitchen with ye, and do not show your face again unless it is to say that dinner is served!

            Martha: Of course!  (Turns and mutters) Tyrant.  (Labors back in the kitchen))

Thomas: But Father, do you not see that this Embargo Act closing our ports is destroying our economy and crushing our freedoms just as much as those Intolerable Acts did in your youth?

Benjamin: The two hardly can be compared.

Thomas: Well then, what about the Alien and Sedition Acts, directed against our own citizens, hardly 10 years ago!  Were they not the same as those acts that you fought against as tyranny?  And if our own presumably democratic government did it once, it could easily do it again!

Benjamin: And rightfully so, those treasonous, rabble-rousing, rebellious anarchists!  They do not know how lucky they have it!  (Thomas rolls his eyes, takes a knife and a stick out of his pockets, and starts whittling; Benjamin speaks to the middle distance and does not notice what Thomas is doing) You young people today have no idea what it is to suffer under actual oppression!  You should be grateful for what my generation sacrificed so that you could live the life of luxury you do now!  Why, back in my day….

Story 638: What Can I Give for Father’s Day?

 WEDNESDAY 

“Hi kiddo, what’s up?”

“Hey Dad, just calling to ask what can I give for Father’s Day this Sunday?”

“Oh, gee, thanks, but Father’s Day’s actually the following Sunday.”

“…Dangit!” <CLICK>

“Hello?... This kid, I’m telling you….” 

THE FOLLOWING WEDNESDAY 

“Hi kiddo, what’s up?”

“OK, for real this time: what can I give you for Father’s Day this Sunday?”

“Heh-heh, right, yeah – you don’t have to give me anything: your existence alone is present enough for me.”

“Oh come on!”

“You know, your mother and I try to give you an easier life than we had, and yet you insist on undermining that at every opportunity.”

“I can’t just not give you something on Father’s Day!  It’s up there with birthdays – gifts are obligatory, or else you might as well quit the entire family!”

“What?”

“Please, just tell me you want something that you’d never get for yourself: concert tickets – a motorcycle – a football team?!”

“<Sigh> Fine, you can get me… socks.”

“….”

“….”

“Socks.”

“Yeah, the ones I have are getting worn out and I need new ones for pickleball.  The white athletic kind, you know, that I can wear with my sneakers and pull up over my calves.”

“….”

“….”

“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you.”

“You can be a bit dramatic, but new socks really are what I would like.”

“Very well, Father: if socks are what you want, then socks are what you shall get.”

“Why does that sound like a threat?” 

SUNDAY 

“Happy Father’s Day!”

“Hiiii… What’s… all… this?”

“Socks!  Just like you wanted!”

“But you’re trucking in so many bags here – how many pairs did you get?!”

“A year’s supply, so now none of them will have a chance to wear out!”

“Oh my… thank you?”

“Certainly!  Nothing’s too good for MY FATHER ON FATHER’S DAY!”

“Just one more thing.”

“Anything!”

“Put all of them away somewhere before your mother sees them.”

Story 633: What Can I Give for Mother’s Day?

            “Oh hi honey, what’s up?”

“Well, I’m calling in a panic right now, an absolute panic!”

“Dear me, why’s that?”

“Because Mother’s Day is this Sunday, and I have absolutely no idea what to give you this year!”

“Aw honey, you know you don’t have to give me anything – ”

“Don’t tell me that Mother’s Lie!”

“ – And it really doesn’t matter anyway since Mother’s Day was last Sunday.”

“…What?”

“Mother’s Day already passed, so save this for my birthday instead.”

“No, no, Mother’s Day is this Sunday, it’s the third Sunday of the month!”

“That’s Father’s Day, dear.”

“Since when?!”

“Since whenever both holidays were established here, I think.”

“OK, well, why didn’t you say anything when I didn’t come over on Sunday and didn’t even call you!  All day!”

“Well, one doesn’t like to mention such things; I figured you’d just forgot, and in a way, you did.  But it was an honest mistake – nothing to fret about.”

“This is an even bigger disaster than I thought!  You spent all day at home, alone, staring out the window and thinking I’m the worst child a mother ever had, I could just burst from the shame!”

“Actually, your father and I had a wonderful time whitewater rafting that day, and I’m sorry to say I didn’t even think about you until the following morning.”

“See!  I’m such an awful child that you didn’t even remember you had one on that day of all days!”

“Honey, it’s really not that big a deal; I understand you got a little mixed up on the dates and we’ll just celebrate on another day.  Not this Sunday, though – I’ll be doing one of those cure walks with my book club and it’ll be extremely early in the morning, so that’ll wipe me out for the rest of the day.”

“Fine-fine, but back to the original subject: what do you want?!”

“<Sigh> Brunch would be lovely.”

“No cooperation at all!”  <CLICK>

“Certainly doesn’t get all that drama from my side of the family, I’ll tell you.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Happy Mother’s Day!  Two weeks later!”

“Hi, honey!  What’s all this out on the front lawn?”

“Well, since you refused to tell me what to get you, I had to make an executive decision and order a traveling circus.”

“You did what?”

“Oh yeah, this company does stuff like this all the time – you don’t still have the sprinkler system installed in the lawn, do you?”

“What?  No, that’s all gone, but – ”

“Great – OK FELLAS, NO SPRINKLER HEADS TO WORRY ABOUT SO JUST AVOID THE WATER AND GAS LINES, ALL RIGHT?”

“Honey, what is going on?!”

“Don’t worry, they just need to know where to set up the big top.”

“On the front lawn?!”

“You know, you’re right – backyard has so much more space.  OK FELLAS, MOVE IT ALL TO THE BACK INSTEAD!”

“Wait-wait-wait – this is all too much; I didn’t want you spending what is clearly a fortune on a performance troupe!”

“Oh, that’s not an issue: the ringmaster owes me a favor.  YOU CAN USE THE HOSE ATTACHED TO THE HOUSE TO FILL UP THE DIVING POOL, AND TELL THE TRAPEZE ARTISTS TO GO AS HIGH UP AS THEY WANT!  Just send me your next month’s water bill – they shouldn’t need your electricity, but let me know if they wind up tapping into it later.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about – oh, all these people, all over the place – wait, no, don’t tell me there’re going to be lions or elephants or horses coming through here too, are there?!”

“Hm?  Oh, no, this is a humans-only circus; don’t need that extra headache.”

“OK.  Do they need me to feed them, then?”

“On your special day?!  No-no-no – the catering trailer should be around any minute now.  You don’t mind if they park and set up on the grass, do you?  I don’t think there’s enough room on the street.”

“You really went through too much trouble, you know.”

“On the contrary: not nearly enough to make up for my horrific oversight and failure as an offspring!”

“Yes, well, I’d actually forgotten all about that until just now.  Let me go get your father and let him know the circus is in our backyard.”

“No need: I see he’s out there now, telling them where to set up the big top.”

“Of course he is.  Well, thank you for the entertaining show – and I’m sure the circus performances will be fun, too.”

“Certainly!  Nothing is too good for MY MOTHER on MOTHER’S DAY!”

“I do have one request.”

“Anything!”

“Next year, stick to brunch.”

Story 538: Trying to Call Out From Work on Mother’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Mother’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: So I’ve been told.

Manager: You’ve also been told that I already gave the day off to the mothers among us, and the rest of you either needed to have requested off three months ago and hope for the best or take another day off to make up for it if you wanted.

Employee: I do recall that.  However, I should make you aware at long last that I, too, am a mother.

Manager: Since when?!

Employee: It has been my private shame these past five years: the Baron refuses to acknowledge not only me, the one true love of his life, but also his 12 illegitimate children, whose presence, if revealed, would divide his estate into so many portions that even his so-called legal heirs would barely get a dime, and the horrendous scandal would tear his country apart.  The least I could get out of this stressful ordeal is one day with my offspring serving me breakfast in bed, don’t you think?

Manager: You’ve had 12 children in five years?

Employee: …There were a few sets of triplets in there.

Manager: You’re still working today.

Employee: OK-OK-fine; if that tragic tale doesn’t move your cold heart to tears, then I must tell you directly: I rescued a gaggle of orphaned goslings last night, and they imprinted on me.

Manager: Really.

Employee: I am now the matriarch of an interspecies family – how can you ask me to walk away from that enormous responsibility on today of all days?!

Manager: Well, I’m not asking.

Employee: Glad we agree.

Manager: I’m telling you directly: if you don’t come into work today, you’ll have all the time you like to mother your feathered children because you won’t be spending it here.

Employee: (Sighs) You leave me no choice, then.

Manager: Here it comes.

Employee: I swore never to reveal this to a single modern soul, but you have pushed me to the brink: my true name is… Eve.

Manager: OK…?

Employee: As in, the Mother of All Humanity.

Manager: Oh, for crying out –

Employee: Peace, my child: I have long since forgiven you and your brethren’s slanderous lies that I am solely responsible for getting us kicked out of Paradise – I seem to recall your Father going along with the fun until we got caught, which is retroactively typical.

Manager: Whatever: you still have an eight-hour shift coming up in 20 minutes.

Employee: All right!  The truth is, I’d promised my mom that I’d request off Mother’s Day this year but then I lost track of time and when I finally remembered it was a week away and I ran out of people who could switch days with me and now she’s gonna give me the disappointed look for the rest of my life!

Manager: Now why didn’t you just lead with that?  I still can’t switch days for you but I know at least one person doesn’t want to work tonight anymore, so if you take their closing shift and they work your mid-shift then you’ll at least get to do brunch or something with your mom today.

Employee: Yes!  That’d be perfect – you’re a lifesaver, thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  I gotta make a few phone calls now to set this up, so I’ll see you at 5, OK?

Employee: That’d be swell!  You’re a great “mom” to all of us here, you know that?

Manager: Certainly feels like it.

Story 377: You Make a Terrible Relative

 (At a toddler’s birthday party)

Parent: (Greeting Relative in the crowded living room) Thank you so much for coming!

Relative: Sure – listen, I don’t know what the kids are into nowadays so I got the little tyke one of those credit card gift cards they sell at the supermarket.  (Hands over a gift card that has a tiny bow stuck on it) Tell `em “Go to town.”

Parent: (Gingerly takes the card) Oh, thank you – he is only turning 3, and if you weren’t sure what to get you could always call or e-mail me, that’d’ve been fine.

Relative: Yeah, I didn’t think of that.  Guess there’s always next year, right?  (Looks around at family and friends scattered about or romping about the room and furniture) So what’s next; I never know what to do at these things.  Any entertainment stopping by later?

Parent: Please just eat something.

(At a holiday get-together in a house)

Cousin: Oh hi, it’s so nice to see you; how’ve you been?

Relative: Could be worse – you?

Cousin: I’m good.  Remember last time we were all together like this, what was it, somebody’s 90^th birthday party?

Relative: I’m gonna be honest with you: these get-togethers and the people in them are all a blur, so I never remember your name or how exactly we’re related.

Cousin: Oh.  Our parents are cousins so we have the same great-grandparents – I think that makes us first cousins once removed?  Or second cousins?  I never know the difference.

Relative: Sounds too distant for me to care; as long as you make me laugh and aren’t too judgy, we’re good.

Cousin: …OK, I’m going to help set the table for dinner – nice talking to you.  (Heads to the kitchen)

Relative: Same here.  (Spreads across a couch and snacks on crackers and cheese) I’m gonna stay out of the way of setting up or clearing up or cleaning up or any of that – wouldn’t want to presume in someone else’s house.  (Grabs the last napkin) Aaaaand I forgot how we’re related again already.

(At a wedding reception)

Relative: (Sitting with other haphazard family members) Hi.  (Nods in greeting at each person)  How many hours’re left in this thing?

Distant Cousin 1: Well, they just served the pasta and salad so we’ve got quite a bit to go yet.

Distant Cousin 2: You know, technically you can leave whenever you want, heh-heh-heh.

Relative: That is true.  (Fiddles with the flowers on the centerpiece) I already sat through the disappointingly long ceremony; you don’t think anyone’d notice me leaving if I got up and walked out right now?

Distant Cousin 3: I’d notice!

Relative: And what’s it to you?  You’re 5 years old and this is your first wedding – you haven’t experienced enough of the inane horrors of these things to have an opinion yet.  But you will.

Distant Cousin 1: At least stay for the main course, and the happy couple also’ll stop by later to thank us for coming so you should experience that.

Distant Cousin 2: Oh yeah, I see they’re bringing the fancy box with them so I’ll give our gift then.

Relative: What’re you talking about?

Distant Cousin 2: (Holds up an envelope) When they come over, I’ll just drop this in the box.

Relative: What, you got them another “Happy Wedding” card?

(The Distant Cousins stare at Relative)

Distant Cousin 1: It’s the wedding gift.

Relative: I sent them a bunch of wooden spoons ages ago, what more do they want?

Distant Cousin 2: You seriously didn’t bring anything tonight?

Relative: Unless you’ve got a washing machine in there I’m assuming you mean money, and in that case why should I?  I didn’t tell them to take on all this expense or start a blessed life together in unified debt!

Distant Cousin 3: You’re supposed to cover your plate.

Relative: That’s rubbish – they invited me!

Distant Cousin 1: They are family.

Relative: Yeah, family just means you think you can impose; tell them to write me out of the will and we’ll be even – ooh, prime rib’s here!  (Devours entrée and ignores the couple when they arrive)

(At home, Relative’s phone rings)

Relative: (Answers while reading a magazine) What’s up?

Mother: It’s your mother – what is this I hear you’re not going to your niece’s graduation?!

Relative: Oh, should I be?

Mother: Yes!  She’s your niece!

Relative: Just because one of my siblings decided to have a kid doesn’t make their goings-on any more meaningful to my life.

Mother: You –

Relative: Anyway, I thought it was optional, like “Hey, if you have nothing to do on a weekday and want to sit on uncomfortable bleachers in the baking sun for four hours,” that sort of thing.  I planned on cutting work and watching movies that day; it’s marked on my calendar.

Mother: You’d better be there and you’d better bring a gift this time!

Relative: Ugh, what is it with everyone and gifts?!  Besides, she just finished school, we’ve all done it, no big deal.

Mother: She’s getting her doctoral degree!

Relative: Oh.  Really?  Must’ve missed when she started that; good for her.

Mother: You really are clueless – and while we’re at it, would it kill you to visit your grandparents every once in a while?

Relative: …Do you mean literally?

Mother: I can’t believe you come from the same gene pool as the rest of us!  (Hangs up)

Relative: (Tosses away the phone while flipping through the magazine some more; mutters to self) Families sure are exhausting.