Story 374: The Friend Who Came to Dinner….

 (In Hour 4 of a dinner with friends, Hosts 1 and 2’s eyes glaze over as their guest continues to sit across from them at the dining room table and shows no indication of leaving)

Friend: (Pouring another glass of soda) I don’t know about you two, but I personally think this year is gonna be just as bad as the last one, if not worse.

Host 1: (Stirs slightly out of a partial doze) Hm, what?

Friend: (Gulps down half a glass) Uh-huh.  And if you really think about it, every year on this planet since its very creation has been the worst: volcanoes, ice ages, earthquakes, disease, the great dinosaur wipe-out, the very chemical make-up of the atmosphere changing over and over again, and then we show up, in all our misery, and decide it’s not enough to make each other miserable, let’s bring all Earth’s species and the planet itself in on the fun while we’re at it!

Host 2: Oh, I don’t know about that –

Friend: (Finishes off the glass and slams it onto the table in emphasis; Hosts 1 and 2 jump slightly in their seats) I do know!  And the generations and generations of people trapped in poverty, abuse, despair, bigotry, war, crime, etc. ad infinitum, nine times out of 10 because of the mere fact they were born into this horror show called Life and their surroundings messed them over right out of the starting gate, makes me wish more and more every day that the whole set of shenanigans never even started in the first place.  (Begins nibbling on fennel)

Host 1: (Reluctant to continue the conversation) Is… there someone you want to talk to about all this?

Friend: (In mid-bite) I’m talking to you, aren’t I?  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…. (Trails off giggling into the fennel)

Host 2: (Stretches around the back of the chair in order to see the clock in the living room) Oh my, didn’t realize it got so late, maybe it’s time you – (Is cut off by noises of a crowd outside running down the street)

Host 1: (Stands) What’s all that?

Friend: (Still holding the fennel) Humanity standing up for justice, possibly sprinkled with a few who ruin the whole thing for everybody?

(Host 1 goes to open the front door while Host 2 hangs back at the table)

Host 2: Sure that’s wise?

Host 1: Rather see what’s up instead of waiting to find out as something crashes through the window.

Friend: (Points the fennel at Host 1) My thoughts exactly.

(Host 1 opens the door to see a screaming crowd running away from a dragon shooting flames at them all the way down the block.  Host 1 swiftly closes and locks the door and turns around to block it as the house slightly shakes with impact tremors)

Host 1: We didn’t serve alcohol tonight, right?  (Host 2 and Friend shake their heads)

Friend: Well, guess this means we should hole up here for the night and keep constant vigil – I volunteer for third shift.

Host 2: No, this means we need to get out of here now before that thing gets us!

Host 1: (Looks out the front window) It seems to have passed us by.

Friend: Good, we hole up here, then.  (Grabs a nutcracker and goes to work on a bowl of walnuts)

Host 2: (Stares agitatedly at Friend, then joins Host 1 at the door) But my show’s coming on soon!

Host 1: (Stares incredulously at Host 2) There’s a little bit more going on at the moment!

Friend: You two don’t mind me; I’ll can keep busy while you go fight the dragon.  (CRACK)

Host 2: I am not fighting a dragon!

Friend: (Chewing) Good point: dragon’s just doing as dragons do, not its fault we’re its natural prey.  Let `em eat us all; I say good riddance to the lot.

Host 2: Arggggghhhhhhh!!!!

Host 1: You two – (A resounding crash is heard from down the street) Now what?!  (Grabs a baseball bat, unlocks the door, and heads out; Host 2 grabs a butter knife from the dining room table and heads out; Friend grabs another piece of fennel and heads out.  The three run into the street and see a screaming crowd from a different direction running away from a spaceship that had crashed onto the middle of the boulevard.  Two figures emerge from the top hatch)

Alien 1: (To Alien 2, broadcasting telepathically) You see?!  I told you we wanted the fourth planet from the star, not the third!

Alien 2: You said land on the blue and green one.

Alien 1: I said not to land on the blue and green one!  (Gestures to the haphazard screaming runners) Now look where you dropped us!  Right in the middle of these planet-ruiners!  You’d better get us out of here soon before we get sucked into their chaos!  (A passerby runs a hand lovingly over the ship; Alien 1 bats the hand away; to Alien 2) LAUNCH!

Alien 2: Don’t have to tell me twice – at least the red one’s nice and quiet.  (They close the hatch, power up the ship, and take off just before a solar flare streams through the night sky, sending a shock wave that knocks out electricity everywhere.  The screaming crowd now runs in all directions; Host 2 sinks down to the ground and rocks slowly while holding their head; and Host 1 defensively holds up the bat while scanning the area)

Friend: (Starts nibbling on the fennel) So – mind if I put on the coffee for dessert?

Story 346: All the Time in the World – Now What?

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

            Friend 1: Sigh.

            Friend 2: No one actually says “Sigh,” you know.

            Friend 1: I wanted to emphasize the sentiment.

            Friend 2: Of what, contentment or disappointment?

            Friend 1: Both.

            Friend 2: You’ve lost me.

          Friend 1: Contentment in knowing that right now, in this moment, we are living The Good Life; disappointment in knowing this moment will end soon and we’ll have to go back to living The Blech Life.

            Friend 2: As with all things – just enjoy this now and let me do the same.

            Friend 1: I suppose.

            (They settle back in their chairs and watch some ducks paddle by)

            Friend 1: [Siiiiiiiiiiigh]

            Friend 2: OK, that’s even worse – what now?

          Friend 1: Just thinking how the Sun’ll set in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

           Friend 2: For the love of – can you just turn your mental gnawing on everything off for two seconds?!

            Friend 1: Yes.  But two seconds is a tiny period of time, so it’s virtually meaningless.

            Friend 2: Argh.

        Friend 1: As is any brief moment of enjoyment we manage to find in this world: ephemeral, evanescent, gone before we barely have a chance to truly appreciate it.  I miss the time in my life before I hit puberty when I didn’t realize all this.

            Friend 2: I miss that time in your life, too.  I’m going to watch funny videos on my phone and ignore you now.  (Does so)

            Friend 1: (Is hypnotized watching the ducks paddle by) [Sigh] If only I had all the time in the world….

ONE YEAR LATER

            Friend 2: (Answers cell phone) Hey, what’s up?

          Friend 1: (On the phone) You’ll never believe this: I got the results back from my physical and the bottom line of all the jargon is that I’m basically immortal.

            Friend 2: You’re right, I’ll never believe that – is today April Fool’s?

            Friend 1: I already got you with that last week; this is real!

          Friend 2: Oh right, I blanked out on that for a minute there.  You know, I’d be mad at you about that whole thing but I have to admit it was pretty funny.  I may steal it to use on my cousin next year, if you don’t mind.

            Friend 1: Not at all – I’m generous with my work.

            Friend 2: So, what’s up?

            Friend 1: Ummmmm… wait a minute… uhhhh… I’ll get it in a second….

            Friend 2: Oh right, you think you’re Dracula or something.

            Friend 1: Not Dracula; immortal!

            Friend 2: Isn’t that the same thing?

          Friend 1: The one is not dependent on the other!  I’m not drinking blood or sleeping during the day, I’m just living forever!  As in, FOREVER.

            Friend 2: That’s neat.  Good for you.

            Friend 1: Is that all you can say?!

          Friend 2: What, so you were given a life expectancy of 100-something years?  That’s great; hope you get to keep your faculties all the way to the end, if you know what I mean.

           Friend 1: You’re not getting it: my doctor found all these weird things in my blood and tissues and brain and what-not that mean nothing in me’ll ever get sick, or decay, or be destroyed!  I’m invincible!  AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER.

             Friend 2: You sure they didn’t mix up your sample with a cockroach’s?

         Friend 1: There is negative billion chance of that ever happening.  Now, having pondered on the ramifications of this for some time, I have accepted my new fate in truly having all the time in the world and therefore can do whatever I once thought impossible due to time constraints.  I can lean every world language now, including those of every species of whale!  I can literally travel to every country on the planet!  I can literally travel to every planet, eventually!  I can dive to the bottom of the Mariana Trench just to say I did it!  I can learn every skill imaginable, becoming the international spy I always wanted to be!  I can even become an Olympic athlete because all it takes is a gazillion hours of training, which I now have!

            Friend 2: Well, it’s a little more than that –

          Friend 1: Where do I even begin with a whole universe of time ahead of me?  Ooh, I know: watching every single episode of that series, you know, Physician Whatsit, from its very first episode in 1963 to the present.

            Friend 2: …Wow, you really are serious about all this, aren’t you?

            Friend 1: I told you, it’s not April Fool’s!  (Disconnects the call firmly)

FIVE YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake, while Friend 1 flips frantically through a large book)

            Friend 2: I thought you wanted to relax now that time means nothing to you?

           Friend 1: How can I relax when I have yet to master the subjunctive of Vedic Sanksrit?!  (Flips more pages)

            Friend 2: (Furrows brow) I don’t think that one’s spoken too much anymore.

            Friend 1: It won’t be at this rate!  (Flips faster)

            Friend 2: (Settles back in the chair to watch the ducks paddle by) [Sigh]

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

            Friend 1: (Answers call in a hurry) Yes?

            Friend 2: Hey, sorry I had to back out of our skydiving trip sort-of last minute, but the arthritis is acting up again.

           Friend 1: Always excuses!  Never mind, you would’ve just slowed me down anyway – after I land back on Earth I’m hopping on the nearest train to begin my third round-the-world trek, which you already backed out of, again!

            Friend 2: Well, we did just get back from the Moon, and you know it’s my kid’s high school graduation –

            Friend 1: No sense of priorities!  You’re letting every opportunity to live pass you by!  (Turns off hologram call and jumps solo out of a plane) Liiiiiiiiiife!!!!

THIRTY YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

           Friend 1: – and I clearly explained the entire history of the U.S. banking system to demonstrate how their plan will lead to yet another recession, and the entire board room stared at me as if I had two heads!  Oh sorry, outdated reference: one of the board members does have two heads, so I guess it reminded me of that old phrase, heh…. Do you ever wonder if everybody on what we used to call Proxima Centauri b think we’re weird for just having one brain? 

             Friend 2: (Wakes up with a half-snore) Huh?  What?

             Friend 1: Forget it.  Oh, and Happy 80^th Birthday, if I missed mentioning that before.

         Friend 2: Oh, thanks.  You know, I really do owe you for helping find the cure for dementia all those years ago – I realized recently I’d’ve been knee-deep in it by now.

           Friend 1: No problem.  It’s amazing how simple it is to find a solution once one has adequate time to devote to the problem, know what I’m saying?  Sorry about the multiple sclerosis, though – working on that one now!  (Continues scrolling through medical texts on a holographic screen)

            Friend 2: That’s OK, I’ll take it over the other one any day.  You gonna stop all that and just watch the water with me now?

            Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Turns off the screen and leans back to watch the water) You know the Earth’ll rotate away from the Sun in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

            Friend 2: Unbelievable.

TWO HUNDRED YEARS LATER

            (In a lecture hall on Mars)

          Friend 1: (Pointing to a presentation on a large screen) And in conclusion, our continued presence in this universe actually will create the very extinction-level event for our insignificant planet that we have been dreading since the beginning of our entire species’ existence!  (The attendees stand, bow at Friend 1, and leave the room)  I miss applause.  (Stares out the panoramic window at tiny Earth, far in the distance) Sigh.  Think I reached the end of this academic avenue: what should I study next?  How to reverse entropy?  Time travel that actually works within this dimension?  Comparative religions of Earth and Venus?  Why fictional romances are so much more satisfying than real-life ones?  (Sighs softly) Why having all the time for everything I could ever want to do feels empty instead of fulfilling?

            Friend 2: Because you never learned to really appreciate anything?

           Friend 1: Huh?  What?  (Wakes up with a half-snore, back on the beach chair facing the lake in the park with Friend 2)

            Friend 2: You were talking in your doze.  And snoring pretty loudly.

         Friend 1: (Looks around, discombobulated) What – how – do you know I just lived several lifetimes’ worth of experiences and intellectual growth, and it was all for nothing!

          Friend 2: Well, welcome back, Dorothy.  Learn any life lessons that you’ll instantly forget?

          Friend 1: (Stares at the ducks as they paddle by) That I really do need to appreciate more in life and focus less on the time that’s passing.

            Friend 2: Good.  (Leans back in the chair and closes eyes)

            Friend 1: And also that space travel is the absolute worst.

            Friend 2: You certainly learned to keep on complaining.