Story 469: The Benefits of Owning Your Mistakes

(In a large office)

Coworker 1: (Speaking to the computer monitor while addressing Coworker 2 at the next desk over) It’s great that we get two weeks’ vacation a year, but what if somebody takes them a full week at a time and just wants an extra day here and there to do absolutely nothing, or errands, and doesn’t want to use sick time in case they jinx themselves into getting sick and actually need those days?

Coworker 2: (Trying to solve a differential equation for a school project) Uhhhhh-huhhhhh….

Coworker 1: Just a few extra float days each year is all I’m saying; it’s not like we’re asking for sabbaticals or year-long parental leaves, although those also would be nice – (Reads an e-mail and suddenly chokes) Oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: (Half-looks over) “Oh” what?

Coworker 1: (Types and clicks the mouse frantically) Shoot – shoot – shoot – SHOOT – SHOOT – !

Coworker 2: (Fully looks over) Easy there, chum, you’re skirting the edges of acceptable language and volume.  What happened?

Coworker 1: (With an extremely wan face, turns to Coworker 2) Remember that memo I sent to I.T. last week telling them to turn off the thing for the thing?

Coworker 2: (Looks up briefly to think) …No.

Coworker 1: Well, I did, and they did, and I just now got an e-mail from somebody trying to access the thing, and I just now realized I shouldn’t have told them to turn off the thing because of a lot of people actually’ll still need it, and I also just now realized this is going to mess up so many other things company-wide if it hasn’t already, and I have no idea how to fix it because it can’t be undone, and what am I gonna do???!!!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs and resumes homework) Only thing you can do: own it.

Coworker 1: (Slumps in seat) Ohhhh, that’s going to hurt soooo muchhhh – but you’re saying I should `cause it’s the right thing to do, right?

Coworker 2: “Right thing to do” doesn’t factor into my equations.

Coworker 1: So… what does?

Coworker 2: (Turns back to Coworker 1) If this thing has had as big an impact on the company as you think it does, then there’s no getting out of it being traced back to you.  No amount of whining or groveling will save you from the inevitable backlash, so the only thing you can do now is get ahead of the whole mess and do a proverbial fall your proverbial sword.

Coworker 1: Sounds Shakespearean, but I never read any of that.

Coworker 2: Yeah.  Basically, fess up to what happened, take all responsibility for anything and everything that might have happened or possibly will happen, and report yourself to H.R. or Corporate or whatever.  Everyone will love you for your honesty and self-recrimination, and go out of their way not to punish you.

Coworker 1: (Sniffs back tears) Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Yep.  But you’ve got an extremely narrow window of opportunity to play this golden card, so I say if you’re gonna do it, do it now.

Coworker 1: (Thinks this over, nods, and stands) You’re right; I’m off to trip on my dagger, then!  (Runs to Manager’s office)

Coworker 2: (Briefly looks after Coworker 1) It’s fall on your – ah, forget it.  (Submits the solved problem and returns to working on a doctoral dissertation)

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (On the phone) I’m telling you, they’re getting weirder by the minute –

Coworker 1: (Bursts through the door) I DID IT!

Manager: Speaking of; gotta go.  (Hangs up the phone and stares calmly at Coworker 1) Have a seat.  (Coworker 1 sits decidedly) So, what’s up?

Coworker 1: I messed up big time, Boss!

Manager: Take it down a notch.

Coworker 1: Sorry – I ruined everything for everyone.

Manager: How’s that?

Coworker 1: I told I.T. to turn off the thing for the thing instead of leaving it alone `cause apparently a lot of people are still using the thing –

Manager: I’ll say: I need to use the thing myself later today.

Coworker 1: Well, it’s irrevocably turned off, I did it, and I ruined everything, it was me, all me!  (Lowers head to the desk and sobs hysterically)

Manager: Oh, you’re crying now.  Well, thank you for notifying me as soon as you found out; we’ll figure out how to deal with it, then.  (Starts typing on the computer) Now get out before I get angry.

Coworker 1: (Scurries back to Coworker 2) I’m going to cautious-optimistically say that your suggestion worked – how did you know?

Coworker 2: (Processing an experiment) Trial and error.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Anyway, so far I think I’m all right –

Coworker 3: (Passing by) Hey: heard you took the blame for having I.T. turn off the thing for the thing.

Coworker 1: Yes-I-did-it-all-it-was-me-from-the-very-beginning-I’m-so-sorrrryyy!!!

Coworker 3: OK; just wanted to say don’t worry about it, happens to us all, we’ll figure it out together, no matter what we’ve got your back.  (Lightly slaps said back and leaves)

Coworker 1: …Maybe I should mess up more often.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(In a conference room before a presentation)

Coworker 4: (Standing at a computer terminal) All right, who forgot to update the slides with this quarter’s data?!

Coworker 1: (Raises hand wildly) Ooh, ooh, me, it was my turn and I completely forgot, and now I ruined everything for our group, I’m so sorry!!

Coworker 4: OK, calm down, I’ll tell them we’ll send the data later.  Respect your honesty; it takes a lot of guts not to worm your way out of this one.

Coworker 1: (Leans back in chair and folds hands behind head) Yes.  Yes it does.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(In the office common area, a group of coworkers meet in a circle)

Coworker 5: Now I know somebody here dropped the ball in not following policy, and we’re all going to get cited for it even though the rest of us didn’t do it, and I’m so mad I could spit!

Coworker 1: It was me!  I dropped the ball that’ll get all of us in trouble!  I can’t bear my mistake-riddled self; I never do anything right!  (Hunches over, weeping)

Coworker 5: (Pats Coworker 1’s shoulder) Hey, it’s OK, we can work around this, it’s not as bad as I thought at first.  You all right, buddy?

Coworker 1: (Straightens up immediately, dry-eyed) I’ll manage.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(Coworker 6 approaches Coworkers 1’s desk)

Coworker 6: Hey: without this one piece to the project, the whole thing’s gonna fall apart!  What happened?!

Coworker 1: (Has feet propped up on the desk and is snacking on popcorn) Oh, I completely forgot to enter that in; no excuse; I embrace all responsibility for that oversight; please do forgive my egregious error.

Coworker 6: Well, I appreciate that; I’ll try to figure out how to fix this, then.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) So, it seems by doing everything wrong lately, I can do no wrong lately.

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from the computer screen) Does it now.

Manager: (Passing by, to Coworker 1) Yeah, you’re fired.

Coworker 1: (Drops feet back to the ground and spills the popcorn) Huh?!

Manager: You’ve been doing nothing but mistakes lately, and who needs that?  Get your error-prone self out of here.  (Leaves)

(Coworker 1 stares at Coworker 2 in accusatory shock)

Coworker 2: (Preparing to give a commencement speech at a virtual graduation ceremony; to Coworker 1) Never overplay the golden card: it stops working at a certain point.

Story 375: How to Pass the Time Before Your Head Is (Figuratively) Taken Off

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is typing agitatedly away as Coworker 2 approaches carrying a large soft drink)

Coworker 2: Haaaaaaappy Friiiidaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!

Coworker 1: (Without looking up) You know that sentiment unreasonably irritates me – we clearly are not happy and want nothing more than for Friday to end.

Coworker 2: Well, just the business-day part of it for us in the office contingent – I felt the same way you do when I worked weekends in retail; Friday nights were just the worst.

Coworker 1: I believe it: I probably was one of your customers.  (An e-mail pops up – Coworker 1 freezes while reading it) Oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: Uh-oh, sounds like that sinking feeling.  What happened?

Coworker 1: The thing – I sent – I forgot – it needs – I missed – on Monday –

Coworker 2: Let me guess: you submitted something that’s due on Monday and just now were reminded that something else is needed for it but since it’s – (Looks at watch) 4:49 on a Friday afternoon it’s too late to add anything and now you’re doomed?

Coworker 1: (Nods a lot with a panicked face) And the worst part is, I’m not the one who’s going to be presenting it; my manager is.

 Coworker 2: Ooh, double whammy.  Now excuses’ll have to be made for your incompetence, but it’ll just look like your manager can’t supervise employees properly.  You’re gonna get yelled at both for messing up and for making the boss look bad – I don’t envy you one bit.

Coworker 1: (Sinks down onto the desk) What-am-I-gonna-do?!  My head’s gonna get taken off!  Again!

Coworker 2: This has happened before?

Coworker 1: A similarly horrific mistake, yes.

Coworker 2: Well, there’re only two things for it: send your manager an e-mail confessing all, and spend the weekend having the time of your life before facing the end on Monday.

Coworker 1: (Sits up again) How can I even think about enjoying myself when I have this hanging over me?!

Coworker 2: Easy: it’s not going anywhere and there’s nothing to be done about it until three days from now, so why spend your remaining moments of non-punishment miserable?  Go wild, I say.  (Looks at watch again) Speaking of, that very nicely ends my shift – bye.  (Leaves, slurping the drink)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the computer monitor for a few moments, then types a reply e-mail) Metaphorical falling-on-my-sword, commence.  (Selects “Send,” sighs dramatically, logs out of the computer, cleans up the desk, and leaves)

 FRIDAY NIGHT

 (Coworker 1 slowly walks to the train station for the commute home, then stops in the middle of the sidewalk to the annoyance of pedestrians everywhere)

Coworker 1: Wait a minute – this is the self-appointed Greatest City in the World!  Why am I heading home to mentally gnaw on work issues when I’m literally in the middle of all this stuff?!  (Runs to the nearest club)

Pedestrian: You go, office drone!  Take the world and give nothing back!

(Coworker 1 spends the evening club-hopping, dancing to loud music, eating delicious junk, and riding home on the late train humming that one song that never leaves)

 SATURDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 sleeps late, then makes a gourmet breakfast before heading to the nearest mountain to ski)

Ski Instructor: And how many lessons have you had prior to this?

Coworker 1: None!  (Crouches into a ball before pushing off to head down the entire mountain)

Ski Instructor: Wait, I didn’t teach you how to fall yet!

(Coworker 1 screams all the way, reaches the bottom, stops safely, and tips over onto a small snowbank)

Coworker 1: (Lying on back and staring at the gray sky) Wheeeee….

 SATURDAY EVENING

 (At a movie theater box office)

Cashier: May I help you?

Coworker 1: Yes, I’d like a ticket to the double-double-feature please, along with five tubs of popcorn and seven gallons of soda.  Oh, and all the candy.

Cashier: (Rings up the ticket) Just a reminder the final show doesn’t let out until 3 a.m., and you have to get all that other stuff at the concession stand.

Coworker 1: (Swipes credit card) Right – it’s been so long since I’ve done this, I thought it was all consolidated to one purchase by now.

Cashier: (Hands over the ticket and receipt) Thankfully not.

(Coworker 1 runs to the concession stand, the unconsumed sugar already kicking in, then sits in a theater getting lost in other worlds for the next six hours)

 SUNDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 joins a group doing yoga on a beach)

Coworker 1: (To Yoga Instructor) I saw some dolphins out there on my way over – will they be joining us like the goats do on those farms?

Yoga Instructor: No, they need to stay in the water.

Coworker 1: Cool – maybe I’ll join them later.

(The group members invert their bodies for the next half hour)

 SUNDAY AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 prepares to tandem skydive out of an airplane)

Skydiving Instructor: (Shouting over the rushing wind and the plane’s engine) Just remember: I’ll be doing all the work, so you literally don’t have to do a single thing except not get sick, if you don’t mind!

Coworker 1: No worries!  I figure if something tragic happens we’ll both go out together, isn’t that comforting?!

Skydiving Instructor: Not really!  (They jump, with Coworker 1 laughing and Skydiving Instructor guiding them and praying all the way down; they arrive back on Earth, intact)

Coworker 1: Yippee, let’s do that again!

Skydiving Instructor: Sure, if you’ve got another $300.00.

Coworker 1: Let’s do that again some other time!  (Separates their harness and rolls around on the ground in glee) I feel so alive, hooray!

Skydiving Instructor: That’s great – listen, I’ve got to get back for the next customer’s once-in-a-lifetime experience, so could you speed this up a bit?

 SUNDAY EVENING

(Coworker 1 curls up on the living room couch with a book and blanket; gentle music is playing in the background and lit candles are everywhere)

Coworker 1: (Engrossed in the novel) Aw, those two finally got together, that feels so fulfilling.  (Suddenly looks up and around) Wait a minute, I’m forgetting something aren’t I?... Of course!  Chocolate!  (Springs off the couch to whip up a hot chocolate bomb that’s all the rage this season, then sinks back onto the couch while smacking lips after the first sip) Ahhhhhhh, I have never felt so satisfied in my entire life since the time before I was kicked out of the womb.

 MONDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 wakes in dread, eats breakfast in dread, rides the train in dread, walks to the office in dread, and approaches Manager’s desk in dread)

Coworker 1: Hi.

Manager: Oh hi, did you have a good weekend?

Coworker 1: The best.  How about you?

Manager: Eh, it was all right – had to spend some of it finishing up the presentation for today.

Coworker 1: About that....

Manager: Yeah?

Coworker 1: Did you get my e-mail on Friday?

Manager: Oh yeah, I wrote back but you’d probably already left for the day – it’s OK you forgot that one section, turns out we don’t really need it for this so it’s no big deal.

Coworker 1: …Oh.  Really?

Manager: Yeah, the rest of it can do without it so it doesn’t matter.  You OK?

Coworker 1: I’m fine, why do you ask?

Manager: Well, you looked like you’ve been thinking all weekend I’d take your head off or something like that.

Coworker 1: The thought never crossed my mind.