Story 389: Extreme Scavenger Hunt

 DAY 1

 (In a large field, four contestants in activewear are lined up in a row and stretching every which way)

Host: (To the camera) Gooooood morning, folks, and welcome to the first episode of Extreme Scavenger Hunt, where our contestants are eager, our game designers are sadistic, and our audience are lazy voyeurs…. And here are our contestants!

(Host and Camera Operator jog over to the contestant line)

Host: So, briefly tell us all why you’re participating in this exciting and unnecessary competition!  (Holds the microphone out to each in turn)

Contestant 1: Hi, I’m doing this because I’m really good at scavenger hunts, and I really need the prize money.

Host: Well that’s a shame – next?

Contestant 2: I’m doing this for the fame and glory.

Host: Good luck with that – next?

Contestant 3: I’m doing this for the fun of it, and also to prove that being in a wheelchair doesn’t limit my ability to compete like anyone else.  And to make sure of that, I’ve got some portable folding ramps with me right here.  (Pats a large bag)

Host: Now that’s a perfect example of ultimate adaptability – next?

Contestant 4: I signed up `cause I was bored.

Host: Sounds about right – and now, for the distribution of The List!  (An employee hands each Contestant a laminated list) You have 10 items and 10 days to get back here with them – first one back with all 10, or first one back with at least a majority, wins!  The rest can slink off back to wherever you came from.

Contestant 2: What if there’s a tie?

Host: I highly doubt it.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but there’s an even number of items and contestants – what if two of us get back here at the exact same time with the exact same number of items?

Host: The odds of that happening are next to impossible, I assure you.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but it could happen, so what if it does?

Host: Then fight to the death, I don’t know!  (To the rest) Are you all ready?

Contestant 1: (Raises hand holding The List) Are we covered if someone views us as technically “stealing” any of these?  Asking for a friend.

Host: No!  These are all items that are either public property or you can ask permission to take them, and you’re giving pretty much all of them back at the end!

Contestant 3: (Looking at The List) I don’t know, some of these seem a bit iffy –

Host: Too bad!  You all knew what you were getting into when you signed the waiver, you all are committed to getting as many of these as possible in the time allotted, and you all need to get this thing going `cause we’re running into a commercial break so on your marks!

Contestant 1: Do we get extra allowance money in case we run into unforeseen expenses, like needing an extra plane ticket after missing a flight because we’re always late?

Host: Get set!

Contestant 2: (Staring at The List) Hold on – what’s a slide rule?

Host: GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(The Contestants crash into each other, then embark in four different directions)

 DAY 2

 (At a Renaissance Faire)

Host: After a few hiccups, we managed to track down Contestant 1 to this bustling festival – (Holds a phone in the air and scans the area with it) now let’s see, where did we find…. (Wanders around in a circle, then freezes) Oh my Bard.

(Contestant 1 is standing up against a target as amateurs shoot arrows everywhere; most land on the ground, and the last is embedded next to Contestant 1’s ear)

Contestant 1: (Pulls that arrow out of the target) Yesssss!  Finally, this one’ll count as Recently Shot Old-Time Arrow!  Thanks, gentlefolk!  (Starts skipping away while swinging the arrow and is stopped by Host)

Host: You know you could have just bought one –

            Contestant 1: I NEED THE MONEY!

DAY 5

(In a mountain range with an active volcano)

Host: (Whispering while climbing over rocks in a cave) Contestant 4 has been spotted mounting a solo quest to ascend this very peak, so we believe that two items may be acquired in this venture: the Newborn Lava Rock, and the Dragon’s Tear.  Let’s go have a look.

(Host climbs farther into the cave that descends into a treasure-filled lair; Contestant 4 had begun climbing over gold coins and jewels but stops on seeing Host)

Contestant 4: Oh, hey there; what’s up?

Host: We’re here to ask you the same thing.

Contestant 4: Whelp, just came back from snatching up a baby lava rock – (Opens a satchel to briefly hold up a smoking rock with a bandaged hand) and now I’m off to make a dragon cry or something.  These game designers really are a bunch of weirdos, you know that?

Host: I’m not legally allowed to comment.  So, how long do you think it’ll take to find the dragon?

Contestant 4: Zero minutes – she’s right over there.  (Points to the sleeping dragon in a far corner of the lair)

Host: Oh.  (Faints)

Contestant 4: You OK?  (Nudges Host with foot) Yeah, you’re fine.  (Resumes climbing over treasure to reach the dragon, takes a saltshaker and a vial out of the satchel, shakes the former over a corner of the dragon’s eye, and uses the vial to catch a tear as the dragon sniffles in sleep) Sweet.  Six down, four to go.  (Turns to leave, then turns back and pokes the dragon in the side before running away)

Dragon: (Wakes up and roars) Ugh, another scavenger hunter?!  I didn’t sign a waiver for this!

(Dragon chases Contestant 4 and Camera Operator out of the cave, tossing Host out afterward)

Host: (Discombobulated; leans in to be updated by Camera Operator; to Contestant 4) Wait, you woke up the dragon on purpose?!  You were the only one who got here while she was sleeping – why on Earth would you do that?!

Contestant 4: (Prepares to rappel down the mountain) If the dragon doesn’t try to incinerate you on the way out, then what’s the point?

 DAY 7

 (At a castle during a thunderstorm)

Host: (Standing in front of the drawbridge) We haven’t bothered checking in with Contestant 2 until now, since that one’s been posting updates constantly online that you’ve all seen; however, there seem to be two items shy of completion and two days from the deadline, so we figured we might as well see some of the shenanigans firsthand.

(Contestant 2 is on a tower roof, surrounded by evil scientists and filming everything on a cell phone)

Contestant 2: (As lighting flashes and thunder booms all around the group) Behold!  I will be the first human being in all of history to successful capture the ever-elusive Lightning in a Bottle!  (Holds a baby bottle aloft as lightning strikes the roof; the entire group is singed a bit) OK, let’s try that again.

Host: Thankfully, Contestant 2’s livestreamed footage was sufficient – (Gestures to the camera) `cause we’re certainly not going up there.  (The camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)

 DAY 8

 (On a space shuttle)

Host: I’m here before lift-off to catch up with Contestant 3, who managed to secure a coveted spot on the first commercial flight to the Moon.  (To Contestant 3) Nervous?

Contestant 3: (In a spacesuit) Only that one of the others already beat me to it!

Host: No, they all applied for special permission to borrow the rocks on display at the Smithsonian.

Contestant 3: Wimps!

(The countdown to launch begins; Host and Camera Operator scurry off the shuttle before it blasts into space)

 DAY 9

 Host: We arranged for footage to be transmitted to us from the Moon’s surface – let’s have a look, shall we?

(Grainy footage shows several spacesuited individuals wandering around the rocky terrain as their microphones transmit their sounds of wonder; Contestant 3 is seen using a Manned Maneuvering Unit to take a small rock and then launch from the Moon’s surface toward the small Earth in the distance)

Contestant 3: I’ll bring this right back after tomorrowwwwwwww….

 DAY 10

 (In the same large field where the contest started)

Host: Well, it’s the day at least one contestant needs to show up with their haul; I realize now that we never gave a specific time, so we could be here all night.  (Looks around at the empty field and mutters) They better show up soon, is all I’m saying.

(Simultaneously, all four contestants arrive at their place of origin: Contestant 1 runs out of a friend’s car while it is still moving; Contestant 2 falls out of a tour bus surrounded by fans taking pictures; Contestant 3 descends from space to hover over the ground on the MMU; and Contestant 4 zooms in on an all-terrain vehicle, laughing all the way.  They crash into each other and Contestant 2’s fans and are all over the place before the judges confiscate their satchels)

Host: Oh bother, they did wind up all getting here at the same time.  Judges?

Lead Judge: (After some deliberation with the others) None of them got the Slide Rule.

Host: So they each have nine items?

Lead Judge: Yeah, and they all crashed here at the same time so it’s a four-way tie.

Contestant 2: (Whipping off sunglasses; to Host) SEE!  I told you – what now, huh?  What now?!

Host: …Fight to the death?

Lead Judge: Just split the prize money four ways!

Contestant 1: Yesssss!

Lead Judge: And then tax it.

Contestant 1: Boo.

Contestant 3: (Still hovering in mid-air) Excuse me, that’s great and all but could we wrap this up soon?  I gotta get the rock back and I’m running out of propulsion fuel here.

Contestant 4: I think, to be fair, we should just go out there and do the whole thing all over again.

Everyone Else: NO!

Contestant 4: Bummer.  (Revs the ATV engine in sorrow)

Host: (To the camera) There it is, folks: all four contestants won after their valiant and foolhardy struggles, and you all at home got your undeserved entertainment at our expense.  I hope you’re happy!  (Camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)  That’s right: I know you’re all miserable no matter what.  So tune in next week for our new show, Extreme Bingo!  (Starts walking off camera) Would someone please fill me in on what exactly this’ll involve before we start filming this time?!

Story 376: Necessary Accessories

 At 6:30 in the morning, Actor returns home from the gym and immediately prepares an energy drink before embarking upon morning meditation; breathing cycles are harshly interrupted by the cell phone ringing.  Actor open an eye to peek at who is calling, then turns off the sounds of chanting monks to answer.

“This better be good – you’re interrupting one of my many daily routines.”

“I can’t keep track of what you do from minute-to-minute; are you up to your 5-mile run yet?” Agent asked.

“No, that’s after breakfast at 7:30, not before!”

“You sure are regimental in, you know, living.”

“I told you, if I’m ever gonna get anywhere in my career I need to live the superstar lifestyle now, so I’ll already have perfection when I ultimately achieve my rightful success and glory!  So why’re you calling me this early, we don’t have our daily update until 4:00?”

“`Cause I wanted to let you know ASAP that your success and glory may finally be here: you got the part in the new --------- film.”

Actor almost dropped the phone: “Eh?”

“Congratulations: table read’s in London on Monday, rehearsals start there the following week, then it’s off to Tunisia for six months’ filming.  I’d appreciate if you brought me along for at least some of this as your valet or something – I never get to go anywhere fun.”

“But – this is a joke – I blew that audition!”

“Guess that’s what they were looking for, then; just keep doing that and you’ll be fine.  Oh, and sign yourself up for some survivalist training or military boot camp or one of those things before you fly out on location, you’re gonna need it.”

Actor bristled slightly: “I thought we’ve already established I am in excellent shape.”

“Oh you are, it’s just that filming will be in a desert and you’re gonna be, you know, wearing all that stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“You know: makeup, prosthetics, couple of wigs, several layers of capes, a few extra limbs – ”

“Hold it, hold it: who told you this?”

“Casting director.  Did you even read the character description?  You’re playing a full-out creature, 50 lbs of accessories and all.”

“But I thought – everything’s motion-capture now so I assumed – ”’

Agent burst out laughing.  “‘Motion capture?!’  Have you ever even seen a

--------- film?!”

“Don’t be snarky: of course I’ve seen his movies, and he has used updated tech!”

“Rarely, and only if something’s not working out in post-production and he can’t get the actors back in time to reshoot.  That’s why everyone loves his movies, they look so real!  Which means you’re going to be spending 12 hours a day getting buried in material before spending another 12 hours running around in 110°F weather pretending you’re reclaiming your home planet.  Have fun!”  There was a click as Agent ended the call.

Actor stared at the phone, all sense of serenity gone.  “Wait, when do I get to sleep during all that?”

In Tunisia on the first day of filming, Actor enters the makeup trailer at 3:00 in the morning.  The makeup artists are wired, having been there for over an hour already.

“Welcome!  Have a set!”  Lead Makeup Artist gestures to what appears to be a dentist’s chair.

“Uh…” Actor hesitates before being tossed onto the chair by the other makeup artists; then, the work begins.

Four hours later, Actor wakes up from a doze to see in a large mirror that a new face, maroon eyes, towering ears, a mouthful of fangs, three extra arms, and multiple heavy wigs had been added during the interval.  Other co-stars also had arrived in the trailer in the meantime and are partially through their less-involved transformations.

Co-Star in the next chair over, almost done with just a wig, minimal makeup, and an extra nose, gives Actor a thumbs-up: “Lookin’ good!”

Actor stares back, frozen in place: “I can’t feel my skin.”

“No worries: they usually streamline the process by the end of filming – you’ll be here an hour or two less by then, I bet.”  Co-Star hops out of the chair and leaves the trailer, whistling.

“I hate you now,” Actor whispers to the departing figure’s reflection in the mirror.

Lead Makeup Artist leans toward Actor’s actual ear: “Don’t struggle, please.”

“Huh?”

Three makeup artists flip Actor over and start adding four sets of wings and a prehensile tail.

“Can I take a short break to eat and use the bathroom, please?” Actor manages to choke out while smushed through a hole in the chair.

“Should’ve thought of that before the sun rose, dearie,” Lead Makeup Artist replies while painting a layer of glue all over Actor’s back.

Two hours later, Actor is lifted out of the chair by film crew members, set on a trolley, and wheeled to the costume trailer.  Set Costumer looks up and down at Actor, who would be naked if not covered in latex, human hair, horse hair, various species of bird feathers, and sequins, then declares: “This will need some adjustment.”

Actor stands with arms and legs sticking out, from necessity: “Can’t I just go out like this?”

“And waste all this material?!”  Proceeds with a mini-army to spend two hours draping and pinning layers of cloth over, around, under, and through Actor, finishing by using a suture kit to lace up thigh-high boots that have mini-rockets attached to the heels.

Set Costumer stands back to take in the view: “Magnificent!  My best work yet!”

Actor gingerly starts to move, then freezes: “Do you know if all the stuff the other group put on me’ll stay on when I sweat?  All the moisture inside is starting to migrate out.”

“Not my department.”  Set Costumer shoves Actor onto the trolley for the waiting film crew members to wheel that outside where Director, co-stars, and remaining film crew members are set up for the movie’s first scene, located in an open area amongst the sand dunes with the noon sun beaming happily upon them all.

Director stares at Actor being tipped off the trolley to baby step onto the ground, then mutters to Assistant: “Find a way to speed up that one’s prep without omitting any of the feathers.”  Assistant nods while taking notes; Director then addresses the entire assembly for the first time since rehearsal: “All right, this is Day 1 of filming and we’re already three weeks behind schedule, let’s move!”

Actor blinks rapidly as the surroundings swim slightly, then finds the mark and faces the other co-stars in their positions.  The Second Assistant Camera with a slate runs towards the main camera.

“Why Are We Doing This?: Episode -3, Scene 207, Take 1!”  Claps the slate and runs off as Director yells “Action!”

Actor takes a deep breath, clenches a primary fist, grits fangs, glares in character at co-stars who also glare back in character, and proclaims:

“…Line?”

Story 344: Director’s Commentary

            [Disc is loaded into the player; menu appears – Director’s Commentary – ON – Play Movie]

          Director: (Voiceover as opening titles scroll across the screen) So, you may be  somewhat surprised to hear me doing this, after I’d quite vociferously proclaimed on multiple occasions that I would never, ever, EVER do one of these things again.  But, it turns out – money.  You don’t get it with a breached contract, and mine for this film snuck in the whatever disc commentary, sneaky gits.  I valiantly tried to dump this onto the screenwriter, the executive producer, the lead actor, the composer, the caterer, the transportation captain, the president of the fan club – all unanimously told me to shove off, so here we are.

            (Opening establishing shots of the film)

          Director: (V.O.) Hoo-boy, I’d already forgotten this thing’s over three hours long – we shot over 96 hours of footage, so lots of long nights in the editing room.  I think I’ve seen this thing about 300 times by now.  Once more with feeling, eh?  (Sound of carbonated drink being opened) Throat’s already getting dry just thinking about it.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Yeah, that river’s fake… That forest’s fake…. That elephant’s fake…. That king’s fake…. No wait, scratch that, king was real.  Country was fake, though; surprise for him, let me tell you.  (Sound of drinking soda) Aaaaaahhhhh, hate filming crowd scenes – wish those were fake.  Extras are the worst, always wanting to be paid at a higher tier for standing around in the blazing sun for five hours straight, and get a lunch break on top of it.  Wish I had it so easy.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) This scene’s great – steady camera to the rescue!  But seriously, we lost two brave cranes and about 100 yards of track to shoot it, so you’d better appreciate this 60 seconds of cinematic gold…. And it’s over.  I think my point was made, don’t you?  Those trolls online drown out the voices of truth, but legitimate connoisseurs of art would agree that “obscure” is most assuredly not an appropriate adjective for my work.  I defy you to tell me otherwise.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I’ve gotten complaints about this scene because the camera never stops moving, but if you haven’t figured it out by now, the camera is an extension of you, the audience, so you have no one to blame but yourselves…. You see, it’s metaphors upon metaphors…. Wow, what an amazing jump cut that was.  I’m freakin’ awesome.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I can’t believe I kept this scene in – the lighting does nothing, the actors were off their game, the dialogue is poor, the production design is “What?”, the music is jarringly atonal, the plot goes off on a tangent and takes forever to recover from it – you know what, just forget this scene ever happened, it’s utter garbage…. By the way, this one’s on the screenwriter, not me: I was a tyrant on the set, but the one hold over me in that world is that I must film what’s written in the script, and the screenwriter’s reps wouldn’t let me edit any of it out.  So, the scene stuck, and I was powerless to fight it…. Ooh, this is my cameo – I’m the silhouette by the window.  Never mind, you can remember this scene happened now, I insist.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O. with sounds of eating potato chips) I’d like to take this moment to point out that any historical inaccuracies you all have been so kind to point out to me numerous times are intentional – I know what really happened, we all know what really happened, and it was completely underwhelming so I made it look better.  This isn’t a newsreel, folks, this is ART!  (Chokes a bit on the chips)

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) As you may have noticed, costumes are extremely integral towards making this whole bit of make-believe believable, and I have regretted firing the original costume designer halfway through production every day since.  Slacker totally deserved it, but I must admit there is a distinct decline in the overall work in the scenes filmed afterward, of course not chronologically with regards to the plot…. Yes, the threads certainly suffered.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Almost there – (Yawns) – sorry, but I really have seen this thing way too many times to enjoy it anymore.  I always was told that it’s no fun when you’re the one in charge, but I never believed it until it was too late…. By the way, that pen there symbolizes the main character’s struggles with the eternal question of what’s right and wrong.  No one ever got it, so I guess I failed in that respect.  Oh well…. (End credits begin to roll) And that’s the end!  (Sounds of stretching) I think my leg fell asleep.  Thank you all for watching and listening to me drone on for almost 1/6 of a day, and also for giving me your money – much appreciated.  Oh, one last thing: next time you watch a film, always pay attention to the background details – the crew works so long and so hard to make all that stuff, so you’d better appreciate it.  Now that this cinematic epic is over, go ponder everything I just told you…. Whoa, that was a lot of graphic designers on the payroll, I never realized…. Anyways, I hope now I never have to see this thing again…. (Sound of rustling papers) I also have to do the anniversary edition in 10 years?!  Fine, whatever: the art demands.

Story 340: Cooking by Substitution

[Online video titled “Remember to Insert Title Later”; currently has 5,372 views and two likes]

(In a home kitchen, Chef pops up from behind the counter)

Chef: Hello, culinary world, and welcome to the first episode of my new show, “Home Cooking Fancy Meals” – hold up, doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud – “Fancy Meals Using Home Cooking”?  “Fancy Cooking for Home Meals”?  “Fancy Home Cooking Fancy Meals”?  Whatever; I’ll figure it out later.  Now – (Heaves up a 16-quart stock pot from a lower shelf and drops it loudly onto the counter) let’s begin, shall we?

(Jump cut to Chef surrounded by vegetables, spices, and knives)

Chef: Our soup recipe calls for kale, but the store was all out when I went there and I am not going back again, so we’ll make do with chard – close enough, and soup’s not gonna complain, am-I-right?  (Begins chopping wildly; chard flies everywhere; this goes on for some time) 

Chef: (Wipes brow) Whoo, that was a workout – if any of you folks out there are ambidextrous, you can multitask by making dinner and having your arm day at the same time.  And on to the beans!  (Starts opening many cans) If the recipe calls for low sodium beans but your local store insists on only stocking triple-digit milligrams of the stuff, just run them under the water for a bit and wash all that heart-clogging salt down the drain, yippee!  (While rinsing beans in a colander, Chef picks up a can and reads the label) Huh, this was a low-sodium one after all – I retract my previous slander.  (Begins dumping beans into the pot) By the way, don’t feel obligated to get the exact type of bean listed in the recipe – when it comes down to it, a bean’s a bean’s a bean, know-what-I-mean, heh-heh-heh?  All the flavor’s gonna be cooked out of them anyway, so who cares if it’s kidney or cannellini?

Off-Screen Voice: That’s the same thing.

Chef: I told you earlier – you don’t exist in this video!

(Jump cut to more can-opening)

Chef: (Struggling with an opener on a small can) Now, you may find that when you start making your fancy meal, you picked up one item by mistake when the recipe calls for another – is it your fault you read “tomato paste” on your shopping list when your smudged handwriting actually said “tomato puree?”  (Finally removes the lid) Well yes, it is, but one makes do.  (Dumps tomato paste into the pot and stirs with resistance) Honestly, I think they just market different ways of chopping up the same vegetable to get you to buy more, don’t you agree?  Comment below!

Off-Screen Voice: Comments’ll say tomato’s a fruit.

Chef: Troll.

(Jump cut to Chef pouring broth into the pot)

Chef: Recipe says “12 ounces of chicken broth”; I got a quart of vegetable broth.  (Leans towards the camera to whisper) I won’t tell if you won’t.

Off-Screen Voice: You just told the world.

Chef: Oh for –

(Jump cut to a line-up of spices)

Chef: Right: fresh garlic, fresh basil, fresh parsley… don’t exist in this kitchen, so we’re using these handy-dandy dried-up versions.  (Begins sprinkling a bit of each into the mixture in the pot, which is now on the stove) And folks, don’t let little things like “teaspoons” and “cloves” and “liters” and whatnot scare you off: let your eye and your heart be the judge – cooking is by feel, dagnabbit!  (A lid on one of the containers falls off into the pot, with a bunch of the spice falling in after) Oops.  Reverse, reverse!  (Begins scooping out the lid and some of the excess spice with a spoon)

(Jump cut to closer view of Chef stirring a reddish mixture in the pot) Doesn’t really match the picture – but it never does, am-I-right?

            Off-Screen Voice: It should at least be close.

            Chef: Nobody asked you!

            Off-Screen Voice: You literally just did.

            (Chef throws a towel at the camera; jump cut to Chef turning down the heat on the stove)

           Chef: So, since it’s reached boiling, we’re now going to turn down the heat to let it simmer for… (Looks at a cookbook) four hours?!  That can’t be right; I’m hungry now!  (Looks closer at the page) Oh, this was supposed to be for a slow cooker.  Well, since I don’t have one, simmering on the stove for half an hour should be just as good if not better, don’t you agree?

            (Jump cut to Chef sitting at a table with a bowl of the soup and a spoon)

          Chef: And now, to taste the final results of all our hard work today!  (Eats a spoonful and smacks lips) Hm.  A bit bland, and more of a stew than a soup, but there you have it!  Fancy meal with all the self-contained trimmings, right in your very own home!  Thank you for watching; if you enjoyed this even a tiny bit, please hit “Like” and “Subscribe” below so I get sponsors and can embed commercials for them, thanks much, I love you all!

            Off-Screen Voice: You forgot the cheese topping.

            Chef: Turn off the camera.