Story 520: Obligatory Card Season

             (Friend 1 and Friend 2 are seated at the kitchen table in Friend 1’s apartment; Friend 2 sips tea while Friend 1 works through a huge pile of mail)

Friend 1: (Ripping open envelopes, glancing briefly at the contents, and tossing them onto the table) – so then I said, “I get that you’re a manager with no actual break times and the expectation that you’re on-call 24/7, but I refuse to accept your being salaried as my problem when you want to stop for a snack at the exact same time I’m scheduled for dinner break, I don’t care if you only need five minutes.”

Friend 2: (Chokes on the tea) You didn’t actually say that, did you?

Friend 1: No, but I was sorely tempted to – I was hangry and it was getting to me.  (Opens a square red envelope, takes out and opens a greeting card, and widens eyes in horror) Uh-oh.

Friend 2: What, an eviction notice?

Friend 1: No!  Why would you even think that?!

Friend 2: (Slightly picks up one of the tossed-aside letters) Not to be an overly nosy friend, but half of these are bills.

Friend 1: And will be dealt with, all in good time!

Friend 2: Past due.

Friend 1: My time, not theirs!  (Holds up the card) It’s a Christmas card from one of my cousins!

Friend 2: Aw, how nice.

Friend 1: No it isn’t, because I completely forgot to send out mine!  (Rustles through the remainder of the mail pile and pulls out a bunch of red, green, and white decorative square envelopes) Look at all these!  They’re all coming in now, and I have yet to send out a single one!  With the month already almost half over!  (Tosses the cards back onto the table)

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: …I missed Hanukkah, didn’t I.

Friend 2: I wasn’t going to bring it up.

Friend 1: Son of a – !  Happy Hanukkah, by the way; I hope you had a nice one.

Friend 2: Thank you; the family says they hope you have a Merry Christmas.

Friend 1: (Grabs an envelope and holds it up) Your folks sent me a card, too!  (Also tosses it back onto the table, then grabs another one and holds it up) And here’s yours!  (Tosses that back onto the table as well, and rubs face) Is it too late to send out Hanukkah cards for this year, or would that only double-underline my faux pas?

Friend 2: Don’t worry, if you send them out now I promise we won’t return them to sender.

Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a very understanding pal.  (Runs hands through the multicolored pile of joyful wishes) Maybe I should just skip this year completely and they’ll all thank me for having to send out one less card going forward, since I’ll be crossed off the ever-growing list.

Friend 2: Maybe they would secretly, but at family functions your name would forever be mud.

Friend 1: You got that right.  (Sinks head onto the table)

Friend 2: (Finishes the tea and brings the cup to the sink to wash it) Whelp, I would offer to help in the spirit of the season, but I really don’t feel like spending the rest of my Sunday being your correspondence secretary so I’m going to play the guilt card you handed me earlier and leave you to tackle this on your own.

Friend 1: (Sits up again) Fair enough.  As your revel in your freedom this afternoon, think of me and my self-imposed toil.

Friend 2: I’d rather not.  (Leaves)

Friend 1: (Stares at the pile of cards, which seems to have grown when no one was looking) Why do we inflict this chore on ourselves?

ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 is back at the table having gathered boxed cards, stamps, pens, an address book, and run out to the store for more boxed cards when seeing that the current boxes were almost empty)

Friend 1: (Braces self) Right.  Let us begin with the letter “A”.  (Opens the address book to “A”, brings the book closer to stare at the page, then roughly turns pages to skim through the names) What – why have I never noticed that a bunch of these relatives have been dead for years?!... And why has the post office never told me either?!  (Grabs a pen and starts crossing out names) And great, the rest of these moved so now I need to call around for new addresses – this is going to take forever!

TWO HOURS LATER

(Friend 1 is on a roll writing out cards and envelopes)

Friend 1: (Freezes in mid-sealing of an envelope) Wait a minute – is this one still at the same address as the parents?  (Flips back through the address book to an earlier letter in the alphabet) Yep, and I gave them all the same card!  (Unseals the envelope and opens the card) Think anyone’ll notice correction tape?

TWO HOURS LATER

(Friend 1 sits back in the chair and shakes out writer’s-cramped hand)

Friend 1: Done.  It’s done at last.  They can all be satisfied with our mutual obligation for at least one more year.  Now to the easy part.  (Grabs a sheet of stamps as the cell phone rings; answers the call after looking at the ID) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Voice) Just checking on the status of your homework.

Friend 1: (Stamping envelopes absent-mindedly) You’re hilarious.  Yes, I have finally reached the end of the address book for all 732 of my relatives, along with a few friends – you and your family and several others are getting generic “Season’s Greetings” cards at this point, by the way.

Friend 2: (Voice) Fine by me.  Don’t you love this time of year?

Friend 1: You know, it’s often hard to tell if you’re being sincere or sarcastic.  (Suddenly gasps)

Friend 2: (Voice) Oh no, what holiday horror is it now?

Friend 1: I RAN OUT OF STAMPS!

Story 504: Obligation Pile-Up

“Don’t forget you have to pick up the kids after soccer practice tonight.”

“Oh shoot, I already did forget – what time is that?”

“7:00.”

“Shoot, I’m supposed to be on a teleconference for work at 7:00.”

“Why?”

“They want us to work all hours, what do I know?”

“Well, your children will be waiting for you at 7:00.”

“They’re your children too; can’t you pick them up tonight?”

“…I’m still out of the country settling my parents’ estate!”

“Oh right.  That’s still going on?”

“Good-bye.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “Ready for the conference on Thursday?  It’ll be fun to go to the casino afterward, if I don’t fall asleep in the hotel room first.”

“Wait a minute, that’s this Thursday?!”

“Yes, it’s been this Thursday since it was booked last year.”

“Oh no, I thought it was next week!  I told my friend I’d babysit that night, I even wrote it on the calendar, what-am-I-gonna-dooooooo?????”

“You thought to write babysitting on the calendar but not a work conference?”

“Babysitting was a higher priority!  What-am-I-gonna-dooooooo?????!!!!!”

“I dunno, take the kid with you?”

“I – hey, that’s not a bad idea.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Hey, I got the tickets all ready for the show on Friday – I saved them to my phone AND printed copies, so one of them’s bound to work.”

“Right, about the show: could you pick me up at the boardwalk on your way to the theater?”

“Aaaand, why would I be picking you up there instead of at home?”

“I may have agreed to work a shift at the arcade that ends at 7:30 that night.”

“The show starts at 8!”

“…Plenty of time.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “So, I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year and was wondering if you could bring some dessert like cookies or a sheet cake or a chocolate fondue assortment – you know, nothing major.”

“Wait a minute, you’re hosting Thanksgiving this year?  Didn’t you tell me a while ago that you’re defending your doctoral thesis that week?”

“What’s your point?”

“How are you going to prepare all the food when you’re simultaneously preparing your oral defense?!”

“Despite everyone’s insistence to the contrary, I’ve personally found sleep to be highly overrated.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Wanna meet up for dinner this Saturday?”

“Can’t – got the kids’ karate tournament.  What about Sunday?”

“Can’t – got my cousin’s graduation party.  What about next Saturday?”

“Can’t – gotta stay with my grandmother that night while everyone else goes to a wedding.  What about next Sunday?”

“Can’t – gotta work that night for a group project that’s due that Monday, and we all have to wait until that date for stuff to be processed `cause it’s on a schedule.  What about the following Saturday?”

“Can’t – we’ll be in the mountains getting away from it all.  What about the following following Saturday?”

“Can’t – we’ll be at the shore getting away from it all.  What about – ?”

“Gonna cut you off right there and say ‘Can’t’ – how about a weeknight instead?”

“Mondays to Thursdays are permanently booked with sports practice, band practice, and/or clubs for all ages, and Fridays are the only nights where we can actually take a breath but I can make an exception this one time.”

“Forget it – Fridays are the only nights we can take a breath, too.”

Story 471: The Hunt for The Gift

Announcer: Hello everyone, and welcome to The Hunt for The Gift, our annual competition extravaganza to determine who can track down and seize that special gift for that special someone, and who’s going to be told to just buzz off!  It’s certainly exciting to watch it, if not necessarily to live it…. So let the madness begin!

Shopper 1: (At a customer service desk) Hi, do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?

Retailer 1: AHAHAHAHA!!!  Oh, you’re serious.

Shopper 1: Is that a “Yes”?

Retailer 1: We sold out in July.

Shopper 1: So is that a “No”?

Announcer: Let’s check our next contestant, shall we?

Shopper 2: (At a customer service desk) Hi, this is store #20 for me, today alone – I’ve been on The Hunt for the past month-and-a-half.  Do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?

Retailer 2: Stop wasting my time – next!

Shopper 2: Gotcha.  On to store #21!

Announcer: Back to our other contestant!

Shopper 1: (At another store) The Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?

Retailer 3: We never even received a shipment for it to begin with.

Shopper 1: Never?

Retailer 3: Not once.  Our customers hate us this year.

Shopper 1: I’ll say.

Announcer: And the other contestant!

Shopper 2: (On the telephone) Hello, do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money that I can reserve for pick-up today, please?

Retailer 4: Ah yes, we decided that in order for this particular product to remain intact and unsold to other customers currently in the store, we’re requiring that the requester put down one part of their soul at the time of the reservation.  Nonrefundable.

Shopper 2: You want part of my soul just to make the reservation?!

Retailer 4: Yes.

Shopper 2: …Which part?

Announcer: And our other contestant!

Shopper 1: (At another customer service desk) Hi!  Borderline violent shopper here: do you have the Gotta-Have-It –

Retailer 5: Get out.

Announcer: And our other contestant!

Shopper 2: (At home) Huh?  Oh, I finally just told that special someone they’re getting an IOU while it’s being shipped in from the North Pole, and I’m gifting packages of candy to comfort them in the meantime.  I’m now spending the remaining two frantic days of the shopping season on my couch wrapped up in a snug blanket with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, instead of spending that time endlessly struggling amongst the innumerable hordes.

Announcer: Yeah, thanks for playing.  (Cuts off Shopper 2’s video feed) Well folks, there you have it!  In The Hunt for The Gift, pretty much everyone loses!  But isn’t that what this season’s all about?!  Happy Holidays to all – I’m going home now to sleep off my exhaustion.

Story 470: Avoiding Stress This Christmas Season by Avoiding This Christmas Season

“That’s it!  This year, I’m not doing anything for Christmas!  And that includes the entire month of December and post-Thanksgiving November!”

“OK, Scrooge.”

“Listen, I’m not doing this to be mean, greedy, and selfish; I’m just taking a year off from the rat race that is ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.’”

“How do you mean?”

“I’m tired of running around 10 times more than I already run around on a daily basis!  This year, I don’t want to spend half my paycheck and all my free time shopping for presents that aren’t for me!  Or wrapping and decorating and lighting and baking and caroling, all for other people!  Or sitting through concerts I don’t even know how I got invited to support featuring people I don’t even know!  Or sludging through traffic for hundreds of miles to visit people who don’t want to be there, either!”

“I’m sure they actually do want to – ”

“Stress!”

“Oh, you’re still going.”

“So much stress, and for what?!”

“Well, goodwill toward – ”

“No!  This year, I’m going to take care of me for a change: no extra trips, no extra expenses, no extra time I’ll never get back, no extra demands on my attention or affection, just blissful peace and quiet!  A humdrum season, and a serene day off from work!”

“OK, go for it.”

“I – wait, seriously?”

“You seem to really need it, so do it.  You take care of you.”

“Oh.  I figured I’d get more pushback.”

“You’ve already revved yourself up enough; no need for me to add to it.”

 WEEK 1

“Hi!  So, we’re having the Office Holiday Party next Thursday – ”

“Nope!  Spending that night soaking in a bubble bath while listening to smooth jazz.”

“Oh.  We’re taking contributions for food and doing a Secret Santa, though.”

“Even more reason for me to keep my date with the bath.”

 WEEK 2

“Here: I got you a little something for Christmas.”

“Please keep it: I’m not giving anyone anything this year, and I expect the same.”

“Oh.  It’s OK, you don’t have to get me anything – ”

“I refuse both the gift and the guilt.  I also refuse to see the interior of a mall or any kind of retail store for the next six weeks.”

“Wow.  I think I’m kind of jealous – whoever thought you could just not shop this time of year?”

“I did.”

 WEEK 3

“What’s this about you not coming to your cousins’ house this Christmas?!”

“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting this call: I will convey my love and regards to everyone in the entire family and assurances that this is not a reflection upon them, but otherwise no one will see my face or hear my voice this Yuletide.  I reject the whole ordeal this year, and you all have my permission to trash-talk me behind my back the entire day.”

“If you don’t show up, I’m – going to be extremely disappointed.”

“That is unfortunate, but unavoidable.”

“Well, just know that we most certainly are going to talk about you behind your back, but we still love you no matter what.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

 CHRISTMAS DAY

            “Hello?”

“Merry Christmas!  I know you’re in isolation mode, but I had to ask: how’s the serenity?”

“Merry Christmas to you, too!  Yes, while I’m sure you’re currently in Hour 3 of your trek to Grandmother’s House where chaos awaits, I am relaxing on my couch in fluffy pajamas, sipping a cup of hot cocoa, listening to perennial favorites on the radio, and facing an entire day free from the Christmas Onslaught and all its trimmings.”

“Great!  You’re right, we’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and heading for a house filled with 50 humans and 20 cats, dogs, and birds; I’m exhausted already.  So, your set-up sounds like it’s exactly what you wanted: absolute peace and quiet.  How does it feel?”

“…Kind of boring, actually.”