Story 374: The Friend Who Came to Dinner….

 (In Hour 4 of a dinner with friends, Hosts 1 and 2’s eyes glaze over as their guest continues to sit across from them at the dining room table and shows no indication of leaving)

Friend: (Pouring another glass of soda) I don’t know about you two, but I personally think this year is gonna be just as bad as the last one, if not worse.

Host 1: (Stirs slightly out of a partial doze) Hm, what?

Friend: (Gulps down half a glass) Uh-huh.  And if you really think about it, every year on this planet since its very creation has been the worst: volcanoes, ice ages, earthquakes, disease, the great dinosaur wipe-out, the very chemical make-up of the atmosphere changing over and over again, and then we show up, in all our misery, and decide it’s not enough to make each other miserable, let’s bring all Earth’s species and the planet itself in on the fun while we’re at it!

Host 2: Oh, I don’t know about that –

Friend: (Finishes off the glass and slams it onto the table in emphasis; Hosts 1 and 2 jump slightly in their seats) I do know!  And the generations and generations of people trapped in poverty, abuse, despair, bigotry, war, crime, etc. ad infinitum, nine times out of 10 because of the mere fact they were born into this horror show called Life and their surroundings messed them over right out of the starting gate, makes me wish more and more every day that the whole set of shenanigans never even started in the first place.  (Begins nibbling on fennel)

Host 1: (Reluctant to continue the conversation) Is… there someone you want to talk to about all this?

Friend: (In mid-bite) I’m talking to you, aren’t I?  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…. (Trails off giggling into the fennel)

Host 2: (Stretches around the back of the chair in order to see the clock in the living room) Oh my, didn’t realize it got so late, maybe it’s time you – (Is cut off by noises of a crowd outside running down the street)

Host 1: (Stands) What’s all that?

Friend: (Still holding the fennel) Humanity standing up for justice, possibly sprinkled with a few who ruin the whole thing for everybody?

(Host 1 goes to open the front door while Host 2 hangs back at the table)

Host 2: Sure that’s wise?

Host 1: Rather see what’s up instead of waiting to find out as something crashes through the window.

Friend: (Points the fennel at Host 1) My thoughts exactly.

(Host 1 opens the door to see a screaming crowd running away from a dragon shooting flames at them all the way down the block.  Host 1 swiftly closes and locks the door and turns around to block it as the house slightly shakes with impact tremors)

Host 1: We didn’t serve alcohol tonight, right?  (Host 2 and Friend shake their heads)

Friend: Well, guess this means we should hole up here for the night and keep constant vigil – I volunteer for third shift.

Host 2: No, this means we need to get out of here now before that thing gets us!

Host 1: (Looks out the front window) It seems to have passed us by.

Friend: Good, we hole up here, then.  (Grabs a nutcracker and goes to work on a bowl of walnuts)

Host 2: (Stares agitatedly at Friend, then joins Host 1 at the door) But my show’s coming on soon!

Host 1: (Stares incredulously at Host 2) There’s a little bit more going on at the moment!

Friend: You two don’t mind me; I’ll can keep busy while you go fight the dragon.  (CRACK)

Host 2: I am not fighting a dragon!

Friend: (Chewing) Good point: dragon’s just doing as dragons do, not its fault we’re its natural prey.  Let `em eat us all; I say good riddance to the lot.

Host 2: Arggggghhhhhhh!!!!

Host 1: You two – (A resounding crash is heard from down the street) Now what?!  (Grabs a baseball bat, unlocks the door, and heads out; Host 2 grabs a butter knife from the dining room table and heads out; Friend grabs another piece of fennel and heads out.  The three run into the street and see a screaming crowd from a different direction running away from a spaceship that had crashed onto the middle of the boulevard.  Two figures emerge from the top hatch)

Alien 1: (To Alien 2, broadcasting telepathically) You see?!  I told you we wanted the fourth planet from the star, not the third!

Alien 2: You said land on the blue and green one.

Alien 1: I said not to land on the blue and green one!  (Gestures to the haphazard screaming runners) Now look where you dropped us!  Right in the middle of these planet-ruiners!  You’d better get us out of here soon before we get sucked into their chaos!  (A passerby runs a hand lovingly over the ship; Alien 1 bats the hand away; to Alien 2) LAUNCH!

Alien 2: Don’t have to tell me twice – at least the red one’s nice and quiet.  (They close the hatch, power up the ship, and take off just before a solar flare streams through the night sky, sending a shock wave that knocks out electricity everywhere.  The screaming crowd now runs in all directions; Host 2 sinks down to the ground and rocks slowly while holding their head; and Host 1 defensively holds up the bat while scanning the area)

Friend: (Starts nibbling on the fennel) So – mind if I put on the coffee for dessert?

Story 283: The Moon Did Not Appreciate the Landing

(Approximately 13 billion Earth years after the Big Bang/1,969^th orbit of the Earth during the human Common Era)

Earth: Ahem.  Say there, Moon?

Moon: [Oh, bother me] Hey Earth, how is… everything… with you lately?

Earth: Not so good, and getting worse with each rotation.  As I’m sure you’ve guessed.

Moon: Oh, it’s not so bad; from here I can’t even tell anything’s wrong.  Much.

Earth: Well, it’s better you can’t tell how epically the sentient apex predator experiment on this planet has failed.  Which brings me to why I caught your attention earlier.

Moon: Yeah, sure thing, what’s happening?

Earth: So, you know all that junk that’s been stuck in orbit around me lately?

Moon: Oh, well, one doesn’t like to point out such things, but yeah.  I have been getting a bit concerned about the increasing volume of it, actually: are your inhabitants going to be cleaning all that up soon, then?

Earth: Far from it: I wanted to warn you that those apes-with-airs are planning to climb into some sort of container and shoot themselves right out of my gravity for the sole purpose of landing on you.

Moon: Heh-heh-heh – what?  Are you serious?

Earth: Sadly, yes.

Moon: But how – I don’t understand, that shouldn’t even be theoretically possible, we’re too far away from each other for them to get halfway here!

Earth: Unfortunately, they figured out how to warp my materials to make stuff that’ll carry them fast enough and far enough to get them to you and back here to me without utterly obliviating them.

Moon: I don’t believe it.

Earth: They figured out the math.

Moon: Noooo, not the math!  Earth, how could you let them do this?!

Earth: Don’t pin this on me; they’ve been slowly killing me and every other living creature here for ages now – I’ve been a bit busy trying to maintain homeostasis in the face of that while simultaneously trying to figure out how to wipe them all out with as minimal collateral damage as possible.  They also don’t listen to me much.

Moon: This is a nightmare!

Earth: Tell me about it – I first was hoping that the damage to the air, land, and sea would at least preserve the microbes and the cockroaches, but that’s taking too long so now I’m banking on their insistence upon manipulating their own genetic building blocks to create a virus that would at least sterilize their entire species.  It would fit my sense of justice.

Moon: Oh Earth, you just know if they make it over here, they’ll completely destroy me with their junk!  And they won’t stop with that; you know Mars will be next!

Mars: Huh?

Moon: Go back to sleep; you’ve at least got a few more decades of peace left.

Earth: I’ll tip you off when they point their monstrosity in your direction; all I can say when they begin to break free from me is “Brace yourself.”

Moon: Ohhh, I wish I were a comet on my way out of this solar system!

(After the Moon landing)

Earth: Whelp, the interlopers splashed back down on me, safe and sound.

Moon: Oh, goody for them.

Earth: So, what’s the damage?

Moon: Let’s see, shall we?  They left behind their huge lander, some random pole with a piece of cloth jammed onto my surface, their footprints just everywhere, a bunch of other random garbage, and oh yeah, their flippin’ bacteria!  Which all died in my not-quite atmosphere, but still.

Earth: Bummer.

Moon: And to top it all off, those freaks actually took some of my surface back with them!  They didn’t even ask!

Earth: Heh-heh, “ask.”

Moon: I tell ya, Earth, I don’t know how you’ve put up with those destroyers for as many rotations as you have – I think I would’ve cracked open my surface and swallowed them all up long before now!

Earth: It ain’t easy, and it’s getting worse; a tiny percentage have a clue what’s happening and are trying to make things better, but the rest either overrule them or don’t care.

Moon: Just please don’t tell me they’re planning another trip up here.

Earth: Well….

Moon: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!  I can still see the stuff they used to fly over here, floating for eternity in our orbits!  I swear, the next one of them I see coming my way, I’m breaking orbit and crashing right into you!

Earth: Umm –

Moon: It’s for our own good, Earth!  Problem permanently solved, and we can start over, with us forming a whole new planet!

Earth: See, the thing is, Moon – and it’s a great idea, I’m all for it – the thing is, your crashing into me would definitely put a damper on all life here now, and I have a sneaking suspicion it also would push me out of orbit and we just might – might, mind you – crash into one of our chums out here and/or, perhaps… the Sun?  I’m just thinking worst-case scenario.

Moon: Argh, you’re right.  Although, now that you mention it: hey, Sun!  Hellloooo, Suuuuuunnnnn???!!!

Sun: (Distantly) Oh hi, Earth’s Moon, how are you?

Moon: (Grumbles) Earth’s Moon.  (Yells) Any chance of you going supernova anytime soon?!

Venus: “Supernova?”  Did I hear “supernova???!!!”

Mercury: I heard “supernova!”  What gives, Sun?!

Sun: (Chuckles) No, no supernova destined for me, and right now I’m growing into a red giant that’ll probably swallow up all of you, but that won’t be for awhile – I am still in my prime, you know.

Moon: (Mutters) Spawn of a singularity – (Yells) never mind thank you!

Sun: I can whip up a flare or a prominence, if you like?

Moon: Nope, we’re good here, thanks!  (To Earth) All-powerful star and absolutely no use whatsoever.

Earth: What are we going to do, Moon?  They keep repurposing my elements and shooting them out into space more and more as the years go by, and they’re also planning to send some junk to spy on everything way out there and beyond – and that’s just the beginning, they know once they’ve pretty much killed me they’ll need to track down another rock to infest, what if they find out about –

Moon: Ssh, don’t let them hear you!

Earth: Right.  Maybe they’ll never find it?

Moon: From what we know of them, it’s inevitable they’ll find it.  Maybe we’ll luck out and that invasion force next solar system over will make its way here and take care of the whole problem for us.

Earth: Oh, that would be lovely.  Pluto’s heard that once those folks wipe out the dominant species, they’re super-accommodating to the host planet.