Story 653: Haunted Halloween Party: A Crossover Event!

            (In the dark of night (7 p.m.), a pale hand raps sharply on the front door of a house)

Friend 2: (Opens the door dressed as a Medieval-era archer, complete with bow and quiver of fake arrows; takes a look at the ghastly figure standing in the doorway) Oh… my….

Sibling 2: (Dressed as a very Victorian-era vampire, complete with fangs and an attempt at a stereotypical accent) Good evening – gak – (Takes out the fangs and pockets them) Can’t talk through these things.  Nice costume!

Friend 2: Thanks!  I got it for the Renaissance Faire this year, so I figured, why not Halloween too?  (Gestures to Sibling 2’s costume and pale makeup) You certainly did a good job yourself.

Sibling 2: Thanks!  (Whips the cape around a bit) I normally don’t dress up at all, but this year I suddenly got the urge out of nowhere to go all-out.  (Thinks for a moment) Oh no, is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?!

Friend 2: Probably.

Sibling 2: (Shakes it off) Oh well.  So, you two ready to go?

Friend 2: I think so.  (Turns to the side and opens mouth to yell for Friend 1 but sees the latter already is standing there) Oh, there you are.

Friend 1: (Dressed in 1980s-style clothes and 1980s-style hair) I’ve always been here.  (To Sibling 2) Hey Dracula, if your costume’s too convincing no one’ll invite you in.

Sibling 2: I’ll take that as a compliment.  So, what are you supposed to be?  80s Rockstar?

Friend 1: Time Traveler.  I culturally appropriated my own past and brought it forward to my present future.

Sibling 2: Sounds… unnecessarily complicated.

Friend 1: (Grins maniacally) Excellent.

Friend 2: OK, let’s head out before it gets much later and the party’s over by the time we get there.  (Shoos the other two away from the front door and locks it)

(The three go to the car that is waiting on the street in front of the house; Sibling 1 is in the driver seat, very hairy and wearing regular clothes)

Sibling 1: (Rolls down the front passenger side window to yell out) Awesome!  It’s Robin Hood and Punk Marian!

Friend 1: (Sitting in the back seat with Friend 2 as Sibling 2 sits in the front passenger seat and they all buckle up) Not quite.  (Leans around the driver seat to get a better look at Sibling 1) And what are you, a werewolf?

Sibling 1: (Signaling to pull out onto the street) HA!  You’re the thirtieth person this month who’s said that – I just haven’t cut my hair or shaved in ages, cheapest costume ever!  Aoooooo!!!  (Accelerates into traffic)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1 as the car winds through twists and turns in a hilly part of town) Now, you’re sure there’s no fee or food or anything else we’re supposed to bring to this party tonight?

Sibling 1: Nope!  Just yourself!

Friend 1: Wait, I thought this was being thrown by friends of yours?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Ehhhhh….

Friend 2: Do you even know the people who are hosting this party?!

Sibling 1: (After a few moments) Ehhhhh….

Sibling 2: Hold on, how’d you even find out about this, then?

Sibling 1: I told you, the flyer!  (Tosses a flyer that was on the center console to Sibling 2) It very clearly says all are welcome!

Friend 2: (Leans forward, holding out a hand to Sibling 2) Can I see that?

Sibling 2: (After peering at the colorful flyer, hands it back over the seat to Friend 2) Sure.  (To Sibling1) I thought these were friends of yours from school.

Sibling 1: Maybe.

Sibling 2: “Maybe”?!

Sibling 1: Well, you know, it’s a small world – the odds of my knowing at least one person there are extremely high.

Sibling 2: All right, I think we should turn the car around and go home.

Sibling 1: What?  Why?

Sibling 2: We are not going to a party at some strangers’ house and finding out that we’re now the entertainment!

Sibling 1: Calm down, it’s nothing like that – it’s a community event or something.

Sibling 2: What?!

Friend 2: (Reading from the flyer as Friend 1 leans over to peer at it) It does say “Haunted Halloween Party – All Souls Welcome – Raising Awareness for Local Cemetery Renovation – ”

Friend 1: (Sits back) I’m in.

Sibling 2: (Wary) OK.  And it’s not asking for donations?

Friend 2: (Flips over the flyer then back to the front) Not that I can see.  Doesn’t mean they won’t ask when we get there, though.

Sibling 1: (To Sibling 2) C’mon, what’ve we got to lose?

Sibling 2: Whatever cash we have on hand and our home address to every non-profit in the area.  (After Sibling 1 pouts in Sibling 2’s direction) Fine – don’t make me regret this.

Sibling 1: Yes!  And I never regret anything!

Sibling 2: I’m painfully aware of that.

(Several minutes later, they arrive at a multi-story, narrow, creaking wooden house that has lights, music, and voices blaring out of it)

Friend 1: Now that’s a happening spot.

Sibling 1: (Leaning across Sibling 2 to see better while parking the car) Whoa, this is so cool!  (Points to something flying nearby) Look, they even brought in actual bats!  (Elbows Sibling 2) Your brethren, eh?

Sibling 2: Hilarious.  (Opens the door, followed by the others)

Friend 1: (As all four gather on the front lawn) I say, we do a circuit of the joint, and if the vibes are too creepy, we immediately exit.

Friend 2: That’s so rude!

Friend 1: What’s your point?

Sibling 2: I think that’s an excellent plan – let’s go.

(The four go up the squeaking steps to a porch covered in cobwebs; Friend 1 grabs the ornate dragon’s head door knocker and slams it several times)

Friend 2: Easy there.

Friend 1: I really think that magnitude of knocking is encouraged.

(The door is slowly opened – inside, there is someone wearing a white sheet with two eye holes cut out)

Ghost 1: (Gasps) Living Souls!  Welcome, friends, to the Haunted Halloween Party, wooooo!

Sibling 2: Yeah, just to be clear, is there a cover charge or anything like that?

Sibling 1: (Mutters) So uncouth.

Ghost 1: Not at all!  Your – presence, is enough for our revelries, woooo, woooo!  (Drifts aside and gestures with part of the sheet to the inside of the house) Please: I – invite – you all in!

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2 as they all go inside) I stand corrected.

Sibling 2: Hardy-har-har.

(They enter a dark hallway that is much quieter than the outside sounded; a grandfather clock ticks loudly nearby and a lone candle flickers on a small table)

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of silence, turns back to Ghost 1) So, what’s on the menu?

(The front door slams shut, blowing out the candle and plunging the hallway into complete darkness; after flinching at the sound, all four take out their cell phones and turn on the flashlight feature, swirling them around – Ghost 1 is nowhere to be seen)

Sibling 2: OK, I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and say there’s a trap door somewhere, but another stunt like that and I’m outta here.

Friend 2: Good idea.

Friend 1: Party poopers.

Friend 2 and Sibling 2: Survivors!

Sibling 1: Jinx!

(The grandfather clock suddenly BONG!s loudly for the 8:00 hour, making all four jump and briefly scream)

Sibling 2: Yep, that’s it!

Friend 1: That doesn’t count – it really is 8:00.  (Turns cell phone around to show Sibling 2 the time)

Sibling 2: Fine: one more another stunt.

Friend 1: (Turns around to the other end of the hallway) Besides, now that I’ve gotten used to this, I can see a light under the door ahead, so let’s get going!  (Walks to the door, opens it wide, and reveals a full-on party going on inside; turns back to the other three and gestures to the party) See?

Friend 2: (As they all turn off the flashlight feature, pocket their phones, and enter the large room) All right, but the vibes here are definitely… off.

Sibling 1: I know, isn’t it great?!

(Halloween-type spooky music is playing loudly through speakers in a large room that is decorated ornately in a classic English-manor style)

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2) Well, you certainly fit right in with the furniture.

Sibling 2: Remind me to laugh next year.

(The other guests are dressed in sheets like Ghost 1, have various weapons sticking out of them, having missing body parts, and/or are various shades of pale.  All are dancing and do not notice the newcomers)

Sibling 1: (After looking around for a few moments) Neat – now where’s the buffet?  (Walks away to search for a table)

Friend 2: (To Sibling 2) I’ll keep an eye out.  (Follows Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Thanks.  (Suddenly notices that Friend 1 has started dancing with the spooky music and hisses) What are you doing?!

Friend 1: (Waving arms in the air) Well, this is a Halloween party, isn’t it?  Not here to just stand around waiting for who-knows-what!

Sibling 2: You were the one who wanted to do a circuit and leave!

Friend 1: Yeah, but when the spirit moves you – get it?  (To a passing sheeted guest) Hey, should we grab a sheet somewhere to really party in this joint, or what?

Ghost 2: No need, Living Soul.  (Drifts on by)

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Starts doing more intricate dance moves; to Sibling 2) You gonna join in, or what?

Sibling 2: (Sighs and looks around the room) Where is the buffet?  (Stops a passing guest wearing a regular outfit) Excuse me: is there an area where we can get something to eat here?

Ghost 3: (Looks Sibling 2’s costume up and down and scornfully scoffs) Real tasteful, pal.  (Turns away, revealing two fang marks on the neck)

Sibling 2: Hm.  Hardcore.  (Looks around the room again for a few moments, then darts over to Friend 1 who is still dancing) I don’t see them anymore.

Friend 1: (Waving hands in front of eyes) Who, the ghosts?

Sibling 2: No – my family and your friend!  They disappeared!

Friend 1: Must have found the happening after-life party downstairs, then.

Sibling 2: Or, they got taken by some weirdo up here!  Come on!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm)

Friend 1: (Gracefully slides arm away with a final flourish) Thanks, but I can walk myself.  (The two cross the crowded room and see a closed door on the other side)

Sibling 2: They didn’t go past me, so they must have gone out here.

Friend 1: You’d be surprised: I once thought the same thing couldn’t happen, and it turns out the person was sitting tucked away in a corner the entire time.  It was so embarrassing.

Sibling 2: (Looks around the room again) Not the case here!  Let’s go!

(They open the door, go through, and are surrounded by immediate silence and darkness again as they door swings shut behind them; both take out their cell phone flashlights and tentatively walk forward)

Friend 1: Heh, could you imagine if this was pre-2007-ish and we didn’t have these multi-purpose devices that not only make a phone call but also light our way?  What would we have done then?

Sibling 2: Sat down and cried?

Friend 1: Sounds like the next best thing.

(They crash into a staircase leading up)

Friend 1: (Gestures forward) After you!

Sibling 2: How chivalrous.

(They ascend a flight and arrive in a long hallway dimly lit by candelabras on both walls; they turn off the flashlight feature and pocket the cell phones, then stare down the carpeted hallway filled with doors and family portraits)

Friend 1: (Whispering) Are those pictures of all the dead people here?

Sibling 2: (Whispering) I wouldn’t doubt it.

Friend 1: (Whispering) Neat.  Well, I’m not wasting time searching all these rooms.  (Cups hands around mouth) HELLO?!  (Voice echoes down the hallway)

Sibling 2: Sssshhhhh!!!!   What’d you do that for?!

Friend 1: Saving time – I highly recommend it.

(A door slowly and creakily opens halfway down the hallway)

Sibling 2: Oh no – this is it – this is how I go – oh no –

Friend 1: (Bouncing up and down in place, hands clasped together in anticipation) Ooh, here comes the haunting, yay!

(A glowing figure, shoulders-down only, floats out of the room, wearing an old-fashioned dress and holding a head)

Ghost 4: (Echoey) Haaaaave you seeeeeen my heaaaaaad?

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and shakes own head back and forth) Mm-mm.  (Collapses in a faint)

Friend 1: (Disappointed in both Sibling 2 and Ghost 4) Hang on, you’re holding it – right there.  (Points to the head in hands)

Ghost 4: ...Oh yes, so I am.  (Puts head back on shoulders) Cheers.  (Disappears)

Friend 1: Hee-hee, I helped a ghost!  Don’t know how I feel about that.  (Looks down at Sibling 2 and starts helping the latter stand up) C’mon, sleepy head, it’s time to stalk the living, mwahaha!

Sibling 2: (Wakes up while being hauled up and twitches to spin around in a circle) Where, where’d the, where’d the-the-the – where’d go?!

Friend 1: I dunno, back to the underworld or Heaven or somebody’s attic, I guess.  Speaking of which, wanna go up another floor and see who else shows up?

Sibling 2: No!  And you know something?  (Reaches into a pocket) I’m really annoyed – (Takes out the cell phone and navigates through the contacts) that I didn’t think of this earlier.  (Listens to the phone ringing)

Friend 1: Oh good – for a second there I thought you were going to say you were annoyed at me.  I’m used to it, though.

Sibling 2: (On hearing the line open) Great – glad you picked up – you OK?  Where are – ?

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice, with Friend 2 heard screaming in the background) OH NO… DYING… SAVE US… PLEASE… HELP!

Sibling 2: (Freaking out while Friend 1’s eyes widen in horror) Oh no, where are you, just tell me, please!

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice) NO… MORE… HELP!

Friend 2: (Static-riddled voice from farther away) BASE… DOWN… STAIRS… HELP!

Friend 1: Basement, let’s go!

Sibling 2: (As the screams continue on the phone) Wait, we can’t just run in there with no weapon and no back-up and no nothing!

Friend 1: Sure we can!  They’ll never see it coming!

Sibling 2: Maybe, but we’d also probably be caught ourselves!  We need to call the police!

Friend 1: Go right ahead, but you can’t arrest the dead!  (Runs downstairs, cackling)

Sibling 2: I suppose not.  (Runs after Friend 1, yelling into the phone again) Hang in there, buddy, we’re comin’ to get you!

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice) STOP… PLEASE… CAN’T… TAKE… MORE!

Friend 2: (Static-riddled voice) MADNESS… TOTAL… MADNESS!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 burst back into the main party room)

Friend 1: (To a guest with dueling swords sticking out of several body parts) Basement?!

Ghost 5: Oh, Living Souls, it is not your time to descend to that plane yet.

Friend 1: I don’t care!  We have to save our family and friends!

Ghost 5: (Sadly points to a nearby door) I am afraid that no one can save them now –

Friend 1: (Pushes past Ghost 5) Great-thanks-bye!  (Flings open the door and runs down the narrow stairs, followed by Sibling 2)

Ghost 6: (Floats over to Ghost 5) I never noticed when I was one of them, but the Living really can be so rude, you know.

Ghost 5: (Staring after the open basement door) So rude.  (Both turn as a loud banging is heard) And here comes more of them!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 trip their way down the stairs, nearly falling to the bottom as they spill out of the staircase and onto the basement floor; the entire room is glowing with a green light)

Friend 1: (Holding up the cell phone with the flashlight facing the room) Unhand them, you beasts!

Sibling 2: (Holding up the fangs in one hand while still holding the cell phone in the other) Back off, or I start biting!

(Friend 2, Sibling 1, and Ghosts 7-10 are sitting in a circle on the floor, facing a board game with dice and cards in the center; they all have been watching the staircase ever since the door upstairs banged open and the ruckus started)

Sibling 1: Oh hey guys, you found us!

Friend 2: Sorry I didn’t think to call you earlier – we got a little caught up with the action here.

Friend 1: (Gently places the cell phone back into a pocket, flattens back a hairsprayed hunk of hair, and shakily walks toward the group) What – the blazes – is this?!

Sibling 2: A cross between poker, bingo, baccarat, and something else I never heard of – it’s absolutely fascinating.  (To Sibling 2, sheepishly) Turns out this is a fundraiser after all, but completely voluntary.

Friend 2: Yeah, I didn’t bring any cash but they let me play anyway.  It’s not been my lucky night though, as you may have heard earlier.  (Rolls the dice) Aw, nuts – fours again!

Ghost 7: (To Friend 2) I am still rooting for you.

Friend 2: Appreciate it.  (Moves a game piece into a penalty spot on the board)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1, coolly) It had sounded very much like you both were in trouble.  (Briefly looks over at the light machine that is slowly changing the room from green to pink) BIG trouble.

Sibling 1: Well, we are: I’m out 50 bucks and climbing, but it’s all for a good cause, am-I-right?

Ghost 8: (To Sibling 1) Yes, we appreciate the new front gate that your contribution is helping to purchase.

Sibling 1: Anytime, my friend.  (Starts turning over cards and placing certain ones on the board)

Friend 1: So, this is the haunted house?!  A bunch of ghosts inviting the living to pay for their eternal rest renovations?!

Ghost 9: (Looks at Ghost 7, Ghost 8, and Ghost 10, and they all nod in agreement; turns back to Friend 1) Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Ghost 10: (Floats over to Friend 1 and Sibling 2) Care to join us?  Buy-in is $5, or you can play for free but then you do not get to keep any of your winnings.

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 stare at the group, then at each other, then shrug and join the circle on the floor)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) If you cheat, I’m taking the car and you’re walking home.

Sibling 1: Fair enough – I need the exercise, and people’ll think I’m a wild animal and leave me alone.

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You OK?  You’re still looking concerned.

Friend 1: Just trying to figure out something.  (To Ghost 7) Got any snacks down here?

Ghost 7: Of course. (Gestures to a buffet table full of finger foods in a far corner) We have not forgotten what it was like to be Living Souls ourselves, but we do prefer you all come down here for our games instead of just dancing all night long upstairs.  What would be the fun in that?

Friend 1: (Jumping up with Sibling 2 to run to the food) Decided: best Halloween Party ever!

Story 646: The Back-up House Sitter

 FRIDAY 

(On the living room floor in house, Sibling 2 is rolling up clothes into teeny-tiny balls and shoving as many of them as possible into an average-sized suitcase)

Sibling 2: (Using entire body to push the giant pile into all available spaces and then shove the cover down on top) C’mon…. (Quickly zips up the bulging suitcase) Yes!  Ha!  (Suddenly sees a toiletry bag and a pair of dress shoes that were on the floor just out-of-sight) Dangit!  (Starts unzipping the suitcase, then stops to check a text message alert, eyes widening while reading) Oh no – oh no – oh no-no-no-no-no – (Interrupted by the phone ringing, Sibling 2 hesitates slightly before answering it) Hiiiii – oh, there they go.  (Stares at the clothes balls that escaped from the suitcase)

Sibling 1: (Reclined on a couch in an apartment, watching TV and eating potato chips) Huh?

Sibling 2: Never mind – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Not much, just wondering if you’re not busy this weekend and wanted to hang out.

Sibling 2: (Props phone onto shoulder against ear to shove clothes back into the suitcase) Ha-ha, you’re hilarious.

Sibling 1: (Chews) Naw, I mean it – I’m actually off on Saturday and got nothing planned, so you wanna go out to the arcade or the movies or something?

Sibling 2: (Freezes in disbelief) Are you serious right now?!

Sibling 1: (Dumps the rest of the bag’s contents into mouth) Of course.  Nothing different than what we normally do, though it is a little last-minute, sorry.

Sibling 2: (Slowly stands and speaks with control) Tomorrow, you’re driving me to the airport for me to get to the cruise ship.  For my vacation, that I’ve been planning for over a year.

Sibling 1: (Freezes mid-chew, then swallows) That’s tomorrow?

Sibling 2: YES!

Sibling 1: Guess that’s why I’m off from work then, huh.

Sibling 2: I guess so!

Sibling 1: Ah jeez, I thought it was next month, you know, since it’s an end-of-summer vacation and all that.

Sibling 2: This week is the end of summer!  Unofficially.

Sibling 1: (Leans very far back over an arm of the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen, then returns to reclining) Oh yeah – time flies.

Sibling 2: You know, I would say “Unbelievable”, but knowing you, it is believable, and I think the word I’m really looking for is “Typical”.

Sibling 1: (Rips open a bag of popcorn and starts working on that) Whelp, no harm, no foul: now it’s ingrained in my mind to pick you up for the airport run tomorrow – 3 p.m., right?

Sibling 2: (Sighs in relief) Yes, thank you, I do appreciate it.  I’d drive myself if the parking fees didn’t cost almost as much as the flight.

Sibling 1: Yeah – I’d even fly you myself if my pilot’s license hadn’t been revoked.  [Crunch-crunch]

Sibling 2: (Resumes struggling with the suitcase) I don’t even wanna go there.  This trip is costing me a fortune just getting there and back, so I hope it’s worth it.

Sibling 1: Well, I’m glad you’re finally going on this trip; you’ve been wanting to go for years.

Sibling 2: Yeah, I kept letting things get in the way, and then one day I realized I’m not getting any younger and there’ll eventually be a point where I can’t go on trips like this anymore, so I’d better stop putting it off, you know?

Sibling 1: Definitely!  We’re all born with a ticking clock: we just don’t know when it’ll wind down, or if something’ll smash it instead.

Sibling 2: That’s… profoundly disturbing.

Sibling 1: OR: disturbingly profound.

Sibling 2: OK, enough of that: the point is, with the plane costs and the hotel costs and the cruise costs and the excursion costs and all the other costs along the way, I gotta save where I can, although the house sitting part was an unexpected add-on I almost forgot about, and now I just got a message with a last-minute cancellation and I’ve gotta scramble to find someone else.  (Shoves shoes into the suitcase toe-first)

Sibling 1: Hold on: “house sitting”?  (Slurps a drink through a straw)

Sibling 2: Yeah, since I’m gonna be away for over a week, I got some service to take care of the lawn and the plants and make sure the place doesn’t get robbed and all that.  At least I did, up until right before you called about five minutes ago.  (Sits on the closed suitcase to zip it up again)

Sibling 1: (Sits up with a furrowed brow) And you’re paying someone to do that?!

Sibling 2: (Stops zipping) Yes…?

Sibling 1: Dude!  Why?!  I’d do it for you for free!

Sibling 2: (Fidgets with the zipper) Uh, well, I didn’t want to ask, I know you’re busy –

Sibling 1: Not too busy for my own flesh and blood!  And outside of work, I’m really not busy, ever.

Sibling 2: (Fidgeting with the suitcase locks) Well, that’s OK, you’re already doing the airport bit, I didn’t want to bother you with the house too, or bother Mom and Dad, either.

Sibling 1: (Stands and paces in excitement) Nonsense!  It’ll be a vacation for me also, away from the mundanity of my humdrum life!  Just give me a list of what you were gonna have the other folks do and I’ll take care of everything!  Ooh, this’ll be so much fun!

Sibling 2: Uh, I don’t know….

Sibling 1: (Stops pacing) What, you don’t think I can handle it?

Sibling 2: Well, frankly, you didn’t even remember I was going away tomorrow when you are the one taking me there!

Sibling 1: (Waves a hand dismissively) Oh, that – I remembered in general, I just lost track of the specifics.  Now, it’s all settled: get your money back for getting cancelled on, put it toward souvenirs for yourself, and write up what you want me to do at the house and make sure there’s enough dessert that I can get to and I’ll handle the rest, all right, OK, byeeeeeee!!!!  (Ends the call, skips to the bedroom, and throws clothes into an overnight bag)

Sibling 2: (Tosses the phone onto the rug and slumps off the suitcase) I may regret this. 

SATURDAY 

(At an airport drop-off lane for departures, Sibling 1 forces Sibling 2’s car into a space between a giant truck and a giant van)

Sibling 1: (Gets out of the driver side and stares at a plane taking off while Sibling 2 dashes out of the passenger side to grab the bursting suitcase and a carry-on bag from the trunk) You ever wonder why it’s called an “airport” and not an “airplane port”?

Sibling 2: (Pauses briefly while hoisting out the suitcase) What?

Sibling 1: I mean, there’s “train station”; why not “airplane station”?  We’re not flying, the planes are.  And it sounds like it’s a port made up of air rather than a port to the air.

Sibling 2: (Slams the trunk door shut) Yeah, I’m not gonna miss this while I’m gone.  You’ll be OK getting home?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, it’s just rush hour on the turnpike – I tune that all out.

Sibling 2: Thought so.  (They hug, then Sibling 2 starts heading over to one of the entrance doors) I’ll let you know when I get there!

Sibling 1: Thanks!  Have a great time!  And don’t worry about a thing here while you’re gone!  (Waves at Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: (Waves back with a grimace) Thanks!  (Turns away and mutters) I’ll try not to.

(On the line for Security, Sibling 2 is almost up to the screening section when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Answering the call; in a low voice) Hi, everything OK?  You back at the house yet?

Sibling 1: (On the phone at Sibling 2’s front door) Yeah, everything’s fine – just wondering where you leave your house key?

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes in exasperation) I gave you a house key years ago.

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, that’s… somewhere, so I’m looking for the key you leave here, like under a fake rock or a fake tree or something like that.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth) I never leave a key under a fake anything.

Sibling 1: Got it.  You didn’t board yet, right?

Sibling 2: No…?!

Sibling 1: Great – I’ll pop back over there in about an hour and you can just toss the key you used earlier over the security rope –

Sibling 2: (Extremely calm) Go to Mom and Dad and get their key, OK?

Sibling 1: Eh, I don’t want them pitying me.

Sibling 2: I don’t care!

Sibling 1: Well I do.

Sibling 2: You – !

Sibling 1: (Suddenly pulls out a giant ring of keys from a pants pocket) Oh, wait, never mind, key’s right here, forgot I had this whole thing.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth again) Are you sure?

Sibling 1: You bet!  (Props phone on shoulder against ear and starts flipping through the many keys, one by one) It’s alllllll under control….

Sibling 2: Good.  Good-bye.  (Ends the call, then turns to a security agent at a counter) House-sitting family member.

Security Agent: You have my sympathies. 

SUNDAY 

(Text messages)                                                         

                                                                                    Sibling 2:

                                                                                    1:30 a.m.

                                                                                    I landed!

Sibling 1:

1:30 a.m.

Great!

                                                                                    1:31 a.m.

                                                                                    Sorry if I woke you!

1:31 a.m.

Nope, I’m up!

                                                                                    Have a good night, then!

1:32 a.m.

Hah, you mean morning, don’t you? LOL                

                                                                                    1:32 a.m.

                                                                                    I have no idea what time it is

                                                                                    right now

            1:33 a.m.

Know the feeling. Sleep well, and have fun!

                                                                                    1:33 a.m.

                                                                                    Thanks!

                                                                                   

                                                                                    9:45 a.m.

                                                                                    Almost forgot – did you set

                                                                                    the alarm before you went to bed?

 

                                                                                    9:46 a.m.

                                                                                    You awake?

            9:47 a.m.

            ….

                                                                                                9:48 a.m.

                                                                                                Are you OK?

            9:48 a.m.

            K        

                                                                                                9:49 a.m.

                                                                                                Read my earlier message again 

                                                                                                when you’re fully conscious – I’m 

                                                                                                off to dinner, bye!

            10:10 a.m.

            K

 MONDAY 

(Sibling 2 is on an upper deck of a cruise ship as it slowly leaves port at the start of the voyage, leaning on a railing while taking in the view, and then the dials Sibling 1 for a video call)

Sibling 2: Hi!  Sorry, are you at work?

Sibling 1: (Holding the phone extremely close up) Not until tonight!  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: We’re off!  (Pans the phone around to show the receding shoreline and the open sea)

Sibling 1: Wow, the water there is so blue!

Sibling 2: (Faces the phone back to self) I know, right?  I’ll take lots of pictures so it’ll almost be like you’re here!

Sibling 1: Great, `cause I’m sure as heck never getting myself out there!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah.  So, how’s everything at the old homestead?

Sibling 1: (Distractedly) Oh, it’s all good, all good….

Sibling 2: Is anything wrong?

Sibling 1: Oh no, not “wrong”, per se….

Sibling 2: But…?

Sibling 1: Well, while we’re on the subject of water – hypothetically speaking, if there was, say… a leak somewhere –

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and lowers head) Oh no.

Sibling 1: Totally not my hypothetical fault, by the way, but if there was, what kind of person would you call if something like that were to may or may not happen, say?

Sibling 2: (Wearily raises head) A plumber.

Sibling 1: Yes, that’s what I thought – and the number for such a person would be…?

Sibling 2: On the list that’s posted on the fridge.

Sibling 1: Right!  Well, good to know on the off-chance I ever need to call such an individual – which I shouldn’t!  (A towel briefly crosses the screen)

Sibling 2: Just turn the shut-off valve on whatever’s the nearest pipe to the issue and send me the bill later.

Sibling 1: Oh good, thanks – I mean, don’t think about anything here at all, and focus on the great time you’re having on the party ship, bye-bye-bye!  (Ends the call with an off-screen splash)

(Sibling 2 pockets the phone with a sigh and leans head against the railing)

Server: (Holds a tray of glasses out to Sibling 2) Drink?

Sibling 2: (Looks up at Server) No thanks, but right now I wish I did. 

WEDNESDAY 

(On a beach, Sibling 2 stares at the gentle waves from a lounge chair)

Sibling 2: That really is a lot of blue…. (Phone rings; Sibling 2 sits up suddenly and answers) Oh no, what now?

Sibling 1: What, I can’t call just to say “Hi”?

Sibling 2: Not when I’m supposed to be relaxing, and you never call just to say “Hi”.

Sibling 1: True – who does, anyway?

Sibling 2: So, what disaster now?

Sibling 1: Worst case scenario there; I’m only curious where you get your ice cream, that’s all.

Sibling 2: …There was a full gallon in the freezer.

Sibling 1: Yes.  There was.

Sibling 2: I’m sure you’ll figure out how to go on – bye.  (Ends the call and lies back down with eyes closed) I’ll be shocked if there’s any food left in the house by the time I get back. 

FRIDAY 

(Sibling 2 walks through hills of ruins, pondering the ephemerality of life, when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Sighs) Almost wish I didn’t spring for the international plan and just stayed on radio silence this whole time.  (Answers the phone) Everything OK?

Sibling 1: What makes you think something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Gee, I don’t know, precedence?!

Sibling 1: OK, you got me there.  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: Surrounded by an ancient city destroyed by time, and at the moment wishing I could join them.

Sibling 1: Hilarious.  Weather there nice?

Sibling 2: Very hot, but there’s a breeze from the sea every so often.

Sibling 1: Oh good: enjoy it.

Sibling 2: That sounds ominous: why?

Sibling 1: Because by my count, back home we’ve had 15 thunderstorms in seven days, 11 of which have flooded pretty much everything.

Sibling 2: The house flooded?!

Sibling 1: What?  Oh no, the house is fine – everything else around here flooded though, including my car.

Sibling 2: What about my car?

Sibling 1: Haven’t touched it – it’s high up the driveway so it should be fine.

Sibling 2: “Haven’t touched”…?  I asked you to take it out around the block by Wednesday!

Sibling 1: What, like out for a walk?

Sibling 2: For a drive, doofus!  I don’t want a dead battery by the time I get back!  It was on the list you told me to give you!

Sibling 1: …Oh right, guess I missed that one.

Sibling 2: It’s OK, just – wait, if it’s been constantly pouring rain like you said, I hope you also ignored the part that said to water the plants every other day?

Sibling 1: …Oh my, I see a neighbor needing their car bailed out on the street, gotta go!  (Ends the call)

Sibling 2: (To the ruins) Can I stay here?  (The phone rings again; Sibling 2 answers) What.

Sibling 1: Almost forgot – reason I called: if, hypothetically speaking, there was an oversight one night where the side gate was left open, about how many furry creatures of varying sizes and temperaments are you comfortable with hanging out in the backyard?  In theory?

Sibling 2: …I’m going back to hanging out with a fallen civilization now – bye.  (Ends the call and pockets the phone, then looks out to the horizon) Sing in me, Muse, of helpless relatives…. 

SATURDAY 

            (Text messages)

                                                                                                Sibling 2:

                                                                                                10:30 p.m.

                                                                                                I landed!

            Sibling 1:

            10:30 p.m.

            Yay!  Glad that all went well and you’re

            back safe and sound!

                                                                                                10:31 p.m.

                                                                                               Yes, thankfully!  So, I should be 

                                                                                               done with Customs and getting 

                                                                                               my luggage in about an hour, so 

                                                                                               I’ll wait where you originally

                                                                                               dropped me off, probably by 

                                                                                               11:30, OK?

            10:32 p.m.

            ….

                                                                                                10:33 p.m.

                                                                                                You forgot you also have to

                                                                                                PICK ME UP FROM 

                                                                                                THE AIRPORT, didn’t you

            10:34 p.m.

            OF COURSE NOT!!!

                                                                                                10:34 p.m.

                                                                                                Uh huh

            10:35 p.m.

            Hypothetically speaking, which airport

                                                                                                10:35 p.m.

                                                                                                I have to deplane now –

                                                                                                check the flight details 

                                                                                                I sent you and I’ll call 

                                                                                                when I’m outside – bye

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

(Back at Sibling 2’s house, the suitcase and carry-on bag are tossed aside on the living room floor as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 collapse on opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 2: I don’t think I’ve ever been so drained after getting away from it all.

Sibling 1: Hm.  But you had a good time, though.

Sibling 2: I had a great time.  I’ll tell you all about it and show you photos when I’ve fully reset from the jet lag.

Sibling 1: Cool.

Sibling 2: And I got you some extra souvenirs for watching the house and driving me to and from the airport and all that.

Sibling 1: Sweet.  You didn’t have to, though.

Sibling 2: Yes I did.

Sibling 1: Well, sorry I turned out not to be the best back-up house sitter, but I managed not to burn the place down, so there’s that.

Sibling 2: That you did… not.  (Sighs in contentment and looks around the living room) After such a nice trip, it’s good to be back.  (Chuckles) Kind of afraid to look at how much mail’s waiting for me, though.

Sibling 1: (Eyes widen) Be right back – forgot something in the car.  (Runs out of the room)

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and smiles as the front door opens and there are noises of scrambling and falling items by the mailbox) Yep – good to be back.

Story 637: Trying to Get Back Pain to Go Away

 FRIDAY EVENING 

(In a living room, Sibling 2 is following along with an online workout video playing on a laptop propped up on the couch)

Trainer: (In time with swinging a giant kettlebell) All right! – You got this! – Just one! – More minute!

Sibling 2: (Swinging a much smaller kettlebell) I thought – you said that – five minutes – ago –

(One minute later, a timer on the video “DING!”s and Trainer stops swinging)

Trainer: (Gently sets down the kettlebell and claps enthusiastically through the sweat) WHOO-HOO!!  You made it!  I’m so proud of you, I could cry!  Time to cool down.  (Collapses onto a mat and full-body stretches for a long time)

Sibling 2: (Still swinging the kettlebell on autopilot) I – can’t – stop –

(Later that night, Sibling 2 lies down in bed to sleep)

Sibling 2: (Lying back onto the pillow) Ahhh, there’s nothing like resting after a self-satisfying workout.  It could’ve gone better, but it also could’ve gone much worse.  (Smiles while closing eyes and takes a deep breath; eyes fly open with a sudden back spasm) Uh-oh. 

SUNDAY MORNING 

(Sibling 1 calls Sibling 2, holding the phone between head and shoulder while putting away breakfast items)

Sibling 2: (Answers after a few moments of an open line, sounding strained and a little muffled) `Ellllooo?

Sibling 1: Hey, I found myself with a Sunday where I actually have nothing planned – wanna go bike riding in the park?

Sibling 2: Since when do you bike ride?  Again?

Sibling 1: (Brushing teeth in the bathroom) Yeah, I know, it’s been a minute, but if not now, when, know-what-I-mean?  Figured the ol’ legs should still be up for it, right?  (Swishes and spits into the sink) So: you in?

Sibling 2: Thanks, but… I’llll have to pass… on that….

Sibling 1: (Stops while tying shoes near the front door) Are you OK?

Sibling 2: Not… really….

Sibling 1: (Walks to the living room and starts pacing) You sound like you’re lying on the floor – what happened?

Sibling 2: (Lying on the living room floor in child’s pose with arms next to the sides and two ice packs strapped to the back; the phone also is on the floor, on speaker, next to Sibling 2’s mouth that is smushed up against the laminate) Well, you remember the kettlebell I got and never used?

Sibling 1: …No.

Sibling 2: Of course.  Anyway, it’s only 10 lbs and I use heavier dumbbells all the time –

Sibling 1: What, like 15 lbs?

Sibling 2: Shush – I’m all the way up to a whopping 25 now.

Sibling 1: Good for you!  Anyway?

Sibling 2: Anyway, I found a kettlebell workout series online, so I figured, “Why not?”  So I finally used it.

Sibling 1: And?

Sibling 2: And, do you know how much swinging a kettlebell is involved in a kettlebell workout?

Sibling 1: All of it, I’m guessing.

Sibling 2: Not on this one – I actually wound up with the dumbbells for most of it since they were heavier; the swinging was intermittent.

Sibling 1: OK, sure, and?

Sibling 2: And the swinging got longer and longer with each session.  By Session 5, there was lots and lots and lots of it.  So much, that I think I broke something.

Sibling 1: (Stops pacing and gasps) The TV?!

Sibling 2: No, not the TV!  My back!

Sibling 1: (Gasps louder) You broke your back?!

Sibling 2: No, I’d be talking to you from a hospital if I did that!  What I meant was, I think all that swinging strained my back, and now it’s spasming all over the place.

Sibling 1: Oh no, can you even walk?

Sibling 2: (Slowly sits back onto heels) Yesss, I can walk, I can bend down, I can reach up – I just get these sudden pains that threaten to topple me over.  (Freezes and grabs lower back) Like just now.

Sibling 1: Ouch.  You try ice or something?

Sibling 2: (Taking off the ice packs) I tried everything: ice, heat, twisting, stretching, massaging, yoga videos specifically targeting back pain, the works.  It hasn’t gotten better since it started Friday night, and in some ways, I think it’s gotten worse.  And now I’m afraid to go into the office tomorrow and face-plant on the way to my desk.

Sibling 1: Have you fallen down yet?

Sibling 2: Not yet, but I’m sure it’ll come when I least expect it.  Probably when I’m outside so all my neighbors can watch.

Sibling 1: (Nods with brow furrowed in thought) OK… OK… I’m coming over – I’ve got an idea.

Sibling 2: (Grabs the phone from the floor and takes it off speaker) Oh no, thanks but I’m gonna go to a doctor in a few days if this hasn’t cleared up by then –

Sibling 1: (Grabs keys and sunglasses and breezes out the front door) Nope!  They’ll just prescribe physical therapy and once you’re there, YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE.

Sibling 2: (Slowly stands and walks to the kitchen to lean against a counter) That’s not a bad thing; it helps a lot of people –

Sibling 1: (Hopping into a car) I bet, but not in this case!  Be there in five!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the passenger seat, and zooms away)

Sibling 2: (Holds out the silent phone to stare at for a moment) You live 20 minutes away! 

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER 

(Sibling 2 opens the front door to Sibling 1)

Sibling 1: (Stares agape at Sibling 2 wearing pajamas and slippers) You’re not ready to go?!

Sibling 2: Go where?

Sibling 1: Oh, I forgot to mention: I know someone.

Sibling 2: Don’t we all.

Sibling 1: Someone who can help.

Sibling 2: (Steps back for Sibling 1 to enter and shuts the door) Who, an acupuncturist?

Sibling 1: (Takes off sunglasses) Better – put on some comfortable clothes and shoes and let’s go.

Sibling 2: (Sighs) I’m sure I’m going to regret this.  (Shuffles to the bedroom, closes the door, and a significant time later emerges wearing a T-shirt and gym pants; shuffles back to the front door, then slowly and gingerly sits on the floor to put on sneakers)

Sibling 1: (Staring the entire time) Wow, you weren’t kidding – you’re moving like an old person.

Sibling 2: (Stops mid-lacing to stare at Sibling 1) That’s just rude on so many levels.  (Sibling 1 looks mildly abashed) But I am feeling it right now.

(They slowly leave the house and get into the car, and Sibling 1 drives away)

Sibling 1: We’ll be there soon and this’ll all go away, no sweat.

Sibling 2: (Fiddling with control panel buttons) Sure, sure – hey, how do you turn on the seat warmer in this thing?

Sibling 1: (Accelerating on the highway) It’s over 90°F out.

Sibling 2: I NEED IT!

(At a slightly rundown office complex, Siblings 1 and 2 park as close as possible to one of the entrances and gently walk inside a former warehouse that was turned into a training center)

Sibling 1: (Holding a steadying hand out to Sibling 2) You OK?  Need an arm or something?

Sibling 2: Nah, I should be fine as long as the ground is level.  (Winces and freezes while stepping over the threshold)

Sibling 1: (Roughly grabs Sibling 2’s arm) Don’t worry, I’ve got you!

Sibling 2: (Holding onto the doorframe with the other arm; through gritted teeth) I appreciate it, but do that again and we’re both gonna wind up on the floor.

Sibling 1: (Lets go) Sorry.  Don’t know my own strength!

Sibling 2: I wouldn’t call it that.

(They slowly walk into the center, which is a large open space ringed by workout equipment)

Sibling 1: (Greeting the only person there, who walks toward them) Hey!  Thanks for squeezing us in today!

Sibling 2: (Leans toward Sibling 1; in a low voice) There’s no one else here….

Owner: (Shakes Sibling 1’s hand) No worries, there’re only classes here on Sundays so we have about – (Checks a watch) 20 minutes before the next one.  (To Sibling 2) So, you’re the one with the bad back?

Sibling 2: It’s not a bad back, it’s normally fine, just – (Grabs it in a sudden spasm) strained right now, that’s all.

Owner: (Nods knowingly) Mm-hm – office worker?

Sibling 2: Huh?

Owner: Sit at your desk all day?

Sibling 2: That’s not – this was from an intense kettlebell workout, OK!

Owner: (Nods knowingly) Mm-hm.

Sibling 2: I move around all day, you know!  I get up at least every 20 minutes, I walk almost everywhere, I exercise three times a week, I do yoga, I drink plenty of water, I get plenty of sleep – don’t judge me as a sedentary do-nothing!

Owner: (Nods knowingly) Mm-hm.  You don’t have to give an exact number, but you’re over 30 years old, correct?

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) I’m outta here.  (Turns to leave, has a spasm, and freezes in place)

Owner: (Flanking Sibling 2 with Sibling 1) You want this to go away and get your very active life back, yes?

Sibling 2: (Eyes squeezed shut and lips tucked in; nods quickly) Mm-hm!

Owner: Come with me, then.  (Gently takes one of Sibling 2’s arms, slowly turns around the latter, and all three gradually make their way to a long metal table on the other end of the training center) Now: lie down, please.

Sibling 2: Wait, don’t I need to fill out some forms first or something?

Owner: (Chuckles) Not for this!  I’ve seen all I need to know.

Sibling 2: Oh-kaay…. (Lies back onto the table) Ooh, the cold feels good.

Owner: That’s nice – turn over, please.

Sibling 2: Oh.  OK.  (Slowly turns onto stomach; beckons for Sibling 1 to lean down and mutters) Keep an eye everything, would you?

Sibling 1: (As Owner takes off sneakers and socks) Don’t you worry, I’ll be right here beside you the entire time!

Sibling 2: Thanks – (Owner lithely hops onto the table and steps onto Sibling 2’s back) Oof!

Owner: Please remain still and relaxed whilst my full body weight is concentrated upon the muscles surrounding your sacrum.  (Starts carefully walking around Sibling 2’s lower back, wriggling toes in certain spots to massage that area)

Sibling 2: (Gripping straps attached to the table) I don’t know if this hurts or not….

Sibling 1: (Holds out a hand) I can take the pain – wanna crush my hand until it’s over?

Sibling 2: (Stares at the hand) …I’m seriously thinking about it.

(After a few minutes, Owner steps off Sibling 2 and lithely hops off the table)

Owner: There!  All done!  You can sit up now.   (Sibling 2 slowly sits on the edge of the table) How do you feel?

Sibling 2: (Rubs lower back) I’m… not sure….

Owner: Try standing and twisting a bit.

Sibling 2: (Plants feet on the floor and slowly twists from side to side) It seems… OK, but the spasms usually come out of nowhere anyway.

Owner: (Puts socks and sneakers back on) That’s normal, but you may find you’ll have fewer and fewer of them now, if any at all.  It’s my patented technique that I share with no one: what I did just now should permanently heal all of your current muscle issues.  On the off-chance it didn’t though, come back in a few days and we’ll try my other patented technique.  (Affectionally pats one of the straps that Sibling 2 was gripping earlier and gestures to another pair of straps that are at the other end of the table, which are now seen to be arm and leg restraints attached to resistance bands; the restraints are welded to the table and the straps are welded to the nearby wall) We here unofficially refer to this as “The Rack”, but we’re aware that that can come off as a bit… insensitive.

Sibling 2: (Stares for a few moments at the restraints with Sibling 1; suddenly back to Owner) No, I think I’m good – I’ll let you know if I need another… standing session, but I think you made my back feel better for now, so thanks, we’ll be leaving.

Owner: Glad to hear it!  (All three look toward the entrance as people in workout clothes start to come in) Well, it looks like my next class is here, so please call us if you’d like to join as a member.  (Smiling, takes out a card to give to Sibling 2 and then shakes the latter’s hand) All are welcome.  (Shakes Sibling 1’s hand) I’ll be sending you the bill.  Bye!  (Waves at both and jogs to the entrance to greet the class)

Sibling 2: (To a shocked Sibling 1) You can send me the bill.

Sibling 1: (Shakes head to clear it) Yeah, sorry, I thought it would be one of those “The first one’s free” deals.

Sibling 2: (Pocketing the card) Ha, never.

Sibling 1: So, how’s your back feel?

Sibling 2: (Twists again several more times) You know, I don’t want to jinx it, but it really may be better now.

Sibling 1: (As they both walk back to the main entrance past the incoming crowd) That’s great!  I’m so glad when something actually works!

Sibling 2: (Stops suddenly and turns to Sibling 1) Question I was too distracted to ask earlier: (Points a thumb over at Owner with the class) What is that one licensed in for this place, anyway?

Sibling 1: …Gym… ology?

Sibling 2: (As they both start walking to the main entrance again) Yeah, next time, I’m going to an actual doctor first, physical therapy and all.

Sibling 1: Really?  Even with this miracle cure?

Sibling 2: Especially with this miracle cure.  Nothing’s ever that easy.

Sibling 1: Well, you have a little bit of a point with that.

Sibling 2: (Amused) Oh, really?  How so?

Sibling 1: (As they get back into the car) If I’d’ve known that was all you needed, I could’ve saved you the trouble and stood on your back for free!

Sibling 2: I’d rather you didn’t.