Story 562: "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience” Was Not What I Thought It Would Be

 OCTOBER 26

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the hallway door)

Sibling 1: (Trotting to answer the door in excitement) Ooh, here it is, here it is – !  (Unlocks the door and opens it to reveal Sibling 2) Oh.  It’s just you.

Sibling 2: Who else would it be?

Sibling 1: I’m actually expecting a very important package that should delivered at any moment.

Sibling 2: Ah.  More – (Air quotes) “vintage collectible vehicles” that are really toy cars?

Sibling 1: (Embarrassed defiance) Yes.

Sibling 2: You know nobody hand delivers packages anymore; they just leave it on the ground and run for their lives, in some cases literally.

Sibling 1: Maybe not if they knew it was vintage.

Sibling 2: Whatever: can I come in now or what?

Sibling 1: Oh, sorry.  (Stands aside to let in Sibling 2, then closes and locks the door behind them) Got carried away with the conversation there.

Sibling 2: I hear ya.

(They go into the living room and flop onto opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 1: Oh, where are my manners?  (Very formally) Would you like something to drink?

Sibling 2: No thank you, Host; I just came over to give you this.  (Hands Sibling 1 an envelope)

Sibling 1: Money?

Sibling 2: Better.

Sibling 1: Crypto?

Sibling 2: That’s not better.

Sibling 1: A star in the heavens?

Sibling 2: Would you stop guessing and just open it?!

Sibling 1: Okey-dokey.  (Opens the envelope and reads the form inside, then gasps in excited shock) You got us tickets to stay at the Winchester Mystery House® on Halloween night?!

Sibling 2: Well, sort of.

Sibling 1: This is amazing!  I can’t believe you were even able to get these, and are paying for us to fly all the way to San Jose to do it!

Sibling 2: Um, first of all: I never would pay for your plane ticket; and secondly: this isn’t in San Jose.

Sibling 1: But that’s where the house is.  (Gasps again) Did the ghosts relocate it?!

Sibling 2: No, this is a semi-replica of the house that someone did locally.  I saw it online and it caught my eye; since I don’t know when we’d ever get a chance the see the real one and the price was decent, I figured “Why not?”  It’s probably an unlicensed knock-off, but I’ll send a donation to the actual house or some nonprofit and call it even.

Sibling 1: (Reading more from the form) “Overnight stay… self-guided tour… guaranteed ghost sightings….” (To Sibling 2) This all sounds great!

Sibling 2: You sure?  I know it’s basically a cheap imitation of the actual estate and it’s nowhere near as big, but the photos and descriptions seemed to have the highlights, and reviews weren’t too bad.  It’s also not too well-known so we’ll have the whole place to ourselves and not have to deal with unpredictable fellow customers.

Sibling 1: Hey, as long as it’s got the staircases and doors to nowhere, it’ll more than meet my expectations.  (Briefly hugs Sibling 2) Thank you so much, this is the best gift ever, and it’s not even my birthday!

Sibling 2: Aw, you’re welcome, kiddo.  It beats having to deal with trick-or-treaters that night.

Sibling 1: Especially since I never got around to buying any candy for them.

 HALLOWEEN

          (Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drive up to a sprawling mansion as dusk gathers and an occasional wind carries the sound of hammering with it; a sign planted in front of the building reads “The Winchester Mystery House® Experience – Enter If You Dare!”)

Sibling 1: (As both exit the car carrying overnight bags and lean back to look up at the mansion) This is so cool – I mean, it’s definitely much smaller, but they even got the inconsistent architecture right.  (Points to an upper wing in glee) Ooh, ooh, I think that’s one of the doors to nowhere!

Sibling 2: I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough when we fall out of it – come on.

(They walk up to the front door and Sibling 2 takes out a piece of paper with a code to enter on the electronic lock; once unlocked, they enter the large, dark, and echoing house and drop their bags by the front door)

Sibling 1: (Cups hands around mouth) Helllllllloooooooo?????

Sibling 2: (Locks the door behind them) There’d better not be anyone else here.

Sibling 1: Just trying to let the ghosts know we’ve arrived; it’s good manners.

Sibling 2: I know I’ve mentioned this before, but aside from me not believing in them to begin with, the whole ghost part of this experience is a tad exploitative of the family’s tragedy, doncha think?

Sibling 1: Then why’d you get us tickets to come here in the first place?

Sibling 2: Because you always wanted to go, and this one’s not even the real house so the only ghosts we’ll be seeing will be animatronic, optical, plastic, or some combination of those, with a few pre-recorded howls and screams tossed in for good measure.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I was kinda hoping to see Sarah Winchester.

Sibling 2: That’s ghoulish – let her rest in peace, and unless she and any other spirits actually did remain on this mortal plane and decided to travel cross-country, you’ll have to settle for your nowhere stairs or whatever they are.

Sibling 1: Ooh, yes, thanks for reminding me, I wanna see those right away!  (Starts to run for the main staircase and is grabbed by the shirt collar and yanked back by Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: Just a second – we need some lights in here, and it seems our hosts have left us instructions. 

(At a small table near the entrance, there are two electric candles, a stack of papers, a map, a ring of keys, and two handheld cassette tape players)

Sibling 2: (Turns on the candles, hands one to Sibling 1, and uses the other to locate a light switch on the walls but finds none) Great, I guess it’s batteries, flames, or nothing.

Sibling 1: (Holds the candle underneath the chin to cast an eerie light) The original house had electricity and even indoor plumbing, but we get the old-timey experience, wooooooo!

Sibling 2: Did the original house also have an electronic lock on the front door?

Sibling 1: (Lowers the candle) Perhaps they could’ve at least sprung for solar-powered lights, then.

Sibling 2: Yeah.  (Hands the map and a cassette player to Sibling 1 and starts to read the papers) “Welcome, Guests, to ‘The Winchester Mystery House® Experience’!  This is a parody; any resemblance to the actual Winchester Mystery House® is not intentional”…?  (Frowns in confusion)

Sibling 1: (Playing with the cassette tape) Skip all that and get to the good stuff!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head to clear it and skips ahead) Yadda, yadda, yadda; blah, blah, blah – OK, here we go: “The map is your guide, so keep it with you always – ” (Widens eyes and speaks in a spooky voice to Sibling 1) “or you may become lost in the house – FOREVER!”

Sibling 1: (Giggles) So exciting.

Sibling 2: (Smiles and reads more) “You may roam where you wish, but beware the North-Northwest Wing – ” ooh, must be good – “ and watch your step, for who knows where the many rooms and halls and stairs of the house may take you!”

Sibling 1: (Bounces up and down slightly) Oh my gosh, this is almost too much!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah – “For your own safety and for liability purposes, please obey any signage you may see as covered in the waiver you signed – ” Skip!  (Flips through several pages) “Dinner and breakfast are in the icebox in the kitchen; if there is an emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately – ”

Sibling 1: (Weaving the candle through the air to make figure eights of the afterglow) Bo-ring!

Sibling 2: OK, you’ll like this part: “Don’t disturb the ghosts, but they may disturb you!”  Mwahahaha!

Sibling 1: (Stops weaving the candle) Cool.

Sibling 2: “Enjoy your stay, and please leave a review on www. – ” (Tosses the papers back onto the table) I think that covers everything; wanna go explore now?

Sibling 1: YES!  (Grabs the key ring and checks the map) Let’s go upstairs and work our way down!  (Runs up the main staircase)

Sibling 2: (Grabs the other cassette player and follows at a slower pace) Fine by me.

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 make their way up to the multi-leveled third floor and check the map again; the sound of hammering has gotten louder)

Sibling 1: That’s weird: it doesn’t say where the North-Northwest Wing is.

Sibling 2: Probably because we’re not supposed to go there.

Sibling 1: No, they just said to beware of it, which is a clear invitation to go there first.

Sibling 2: Hm.  Maybe the audio tour’ll help.  (Presses “Play” on the cassette player)

Voice on Tape: Welcome to "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience.”  In 1884, Sarah Winchester –

Sibling 2: (Presses “Stop”) Well that’ll take forever – there isn’t even a way to fast-forward to specific sections of the house if you’re just wandering around.

Sibling 1: Guess we’d have to tour the house in the order they recorded this; maybe I’ll listen to it tomorrow.

Sibling 2: Check-out’s at 10 a.m.

Sibling 1: Wow.  For something that doesn’t get a lot of visitors, they certainly don’t waste any time shooing us out.  So!  (Holds up the map) North-Northwest Wing, North-Northwest Wing… is it our west or actual west?

Sibling 2: I’m guessing our west, since we’re going to it from inside the house.

Sibling 1: Huh, maybe…. (Passes by a window and sees a construction worker hammering on the roof of a nearby wing) Whoa, how authentic!

Sibling 2: (Peers out the window next to Sibling 1) What, that they’re running tours out of place that’s half-built?  Sounds about right.

Sibling 1: No-no-no, I mean this is part of the whole Winchester House’s history: Sarah Winchester kept having rooms built all the time, day and night, to appease the spirits of the victims of the Winchester rifles.  That’s what she spent the family fortune on: a never-ending quest for peace.

Sibling 2: Mm.  Yeah, 24/7 construction sounds like a nightmare.

Sibling 1: (Opening the window) Lemme ask –

Sibling 2: (Trying to stop the window from opening) Aw, leave ‘em alone –

Sibling 1: (To Construction Worker 1) Good sir!  (Construction Worker 1 stops hammering and looks up at Sibling 1) Would you be so kind as to direct us to the North-Northwest Wing?

Construction Worker 1: (Points to another wing) It be that way, but beware –

Sibling 2: (While closing the window) Oh, we’ll be waring our hearts out all over this place, thank-you!  (To Sibling 1) Let’s go and stop bothering the employees, OK?

Sibling 1: I’m sure they just love to help souls in need.

Sibling 2: I bet they do.

Sibling 1: (As they start walking where they were directed) Fantastic: even the clothes were 1800s-style....

(They tread carefully through the darkening house as the sun sets and night descends; a hallway turns to a staircase that ends abruptly at the ceiling when they climb it)

Sibling 1: Yes!  One of the staircases that lead to nowhere, at last!

Sibling 2: Neat.  We probably should go back down then, huh?

Sibling 1: Yeah – we’ll have to stop by here again in the morning though; I can barely see anything with this candle.

Sibling 2: Right.  (Takes out a cell phone, turns on the flashlight feature, and hands it to Sibling 1) Here.

Sibling 1: Thanks, but won’t it drain your battery?

Sibling 2: It will, but I really don’t want to go back outside tonight to get the flashlight from the car, and we can use your phone if we have to.

Sibling 1: (Taps forehead with the phone) Always thinking.

(They eventually arrive at the North-Northwest Wing, which starts with a long corridor)

Sibling 1: Oooooohhhhhh, even the hallway looks haunted.  (Creaking sounds are heard overhead; Sibling 1 ducks slightly) What was that?!  Are the ghosts afoot?!

Sibling 2: My guess is rats are afeet – wanna start actually exploring some of the rooms?

Sibling 1: Oh!  Yeah, I got so thrown off with finding this section that I almost forgot that part.  (Holds the key ring up to the light, flicks through the keys, and reads the labels) “Guest Room 1” – “Guest Room 2” – “Guest Bathroom” – “East Wing Library” –

Sibling 2: Allow me.  (Grabs the key ring and goes through the keys faster as Sibling 2 holds up the light, then groups together several of the keys) Here we go: North-Northwest Wing Rooms.  One says “Music Room”, so that sounds promising.

Sibling 1: (Holds that key as Sibling 2 hands over the ring) A ghostly Beethoven, playing an afterlife sonata.

Sibling 2: Sure.

(They walk down the corridor slowly, hearing noises as they get closer to the door labelled “Music Room”)

Sibling 1: (Whispering) I think the ghosts are inside!

Sibling 2: (Also whispering) OK, just take a deep breath and try not to faint, please – I don’t want to have to carry you four-and-a-half floors back downstairs.

(As they approach the door, muffled voices are heard, along with a single piano note)

Sibling 1: (Still whispering) This is it!  Ghostly music!

Sibling 2: (Still whispering) Great, great, so open the door – (Mutters) let’s see what I paid for.

(Sibling 1 slowly puts the key into the lock, slowly turns it, and puts one hand on the doorknob)

Sibling 1: (Mouths) 1 – 2 – 3!

(Sibling 1 shoves the door open to reveal several construction workers lounging about in comfy chairs and at a grand piano)

Sibling 2: …Hi.

Construction Worker 2: Hello.

Sibling 1: Is… this the Music Room?

Construction Worker 2: `Twill be once we’re done building it.  (Gestures to the partially finished walls) Then, `twill be demolished and built anew, like all the others.

Construction Workers: (Sadly) Aye.

Construction Worker 2: For now though, we use it as a break room.  (Holds out glasses to Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Sherry?

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1 as the latter reaches for a glass) No thank you, so sorry to have disturbed you, please enjoy your break, and… keep up the good work!  (They close and lock the door behind them)

Construction Worker 2: (Sighs) Oh, we will.  Forever.

Construction Workers: Aye.  (Piano note)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 run back down the corridor and out of the North-Northwest Wing, stopping at a staircase to a lower level)

Sibling 2: I didn’t realize there’d be a whole bunch of people actually working while we were staying here!  And taking breaks wherever!  We were supposed to have the place to ourselves!

Sibling 1: I told you, it’s part of the authenticity!

Sibling 2: Yeah, but where else are they gonna be working, in the bathrooms?  (Gasps) In the bedrooms?!

Sibling 1: We’ll find out!  In the meantime, I’m hungry – let’s have dinner.

Sibling 2: Yeah, good idea.

(They use the map to go back downstairs to the first floor and find the kitchen, opening the door to reveal several construction workers building a rack to hold pots in the middle of the room)

Sibling 2: Oh great – I mean, good evening.

Construction Workers: (Briefly pausing) Good evening.

Construction Worker 3: Looking for the ice box?

Sibling 2: Yes please.

Construction Worker 3: (Gestures with a hammer to the far wall) Over there – mind your step.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

(Both tiptoe around construction workers and tools, grab packaged dinners out of the ice box, and begin to exit through another door to the dining room)

Construction Worker 3: (Pops up from the project) Oh, beware –

Sibling 1: (Turns around eagerly) YES?!

Construction Worker 3: A crew is rebuilding the table and chairs in there right now, so `twill be tricky when you sit for your meal.

Sibling 2: (Pushes open the door slightly to reveal hammering, sawing, and sanding; allows the door to close again) We’ll take these upstairs, thank you.

Construction Worker 3: Suit yourselves.  (Returns to levelling the rack)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 grab their overnight bags near the front door and use the map to find the Guest Rooms; in that corridor, they gingerly step around more construction and workers spread throughout, the activity and noise increasing in volume the closer they get to the rooms.  At the one labelled “Guest Room 1”, they use the matching key to enter and then close and lock the door behind them)

Sibling 2: (As they drop their bags to the floor and set up the dinners on the bed) Well, at least it’s slightly quieter in here.

Sibling 1: Hm – you think they’ll work all night long, like the real ones did?

Sibling 2: I certainly hope not; I’d like to get some sleep to-

(A loud MOAN is heard from behind the closed closet door; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 hug each other in terror)

Sibling 1: (Whispering frantically) What was that?!  Is that the ghost?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Sibling 2: (Releases Sibling 1 and shakes head in irritation) No – (Another MOAN is heard and Sibling 2 jumps in shock) ahem – no, but I’m sure gonna find out what it is.

Sibling 1: (Hands the cell phone light to Sibling 2) Be careful!  Don’t let the ghost possess your body and terrorize the living!

Sibling 2: There’s no such thing as – never mind.

(Another MOAN is heard; Sibling 2 braces for impact, then flings open the closet door)

Construction Worker 4: (Turns around from working on an exposed pipe in the back wall) Oh, hello.

Sibling 2: OK: get out.

Construction Worker 4: But I was told to get this done tonight.

Sibling 2: It can wait 15 hours – (Points to the hall door) begone.

Construction Worker 4: (Gathers tools and starts to leave as Sibling 2 unlocks the door) The missus will not be pleased to hear of this.

Sibling 2: Then give me her number, I’ll tell her myself!

Construction Worker 4: (Stops in confusion) What number?

Sibling 2: OUT!  (Relocks the door after Construction Worker 4 leaves in a hurry; there are agitated voices in the corridor, and then the hammering, sawing, and sanding increase in volume even more; Sibling 2 collapses onto the bed and stares at the continually creaking ceiling) Mind if I bunk with you tonight?  I really don’t want to go back out into that hallway while they’re still… working.

Sibling 1: Sure!  It’ll be fun, and we can tell each other Halloween scary stories all night long!

Sibling 2: (Smiles softly) Yeah, it’ll be fun.

Sibling 1: (Starts eating the prepared dinner) Just one question: didn’t you pay for two rooms?

Sibling 2: Right now, I’d pay for everybody to leave.

NOVEMBER 1

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 exit the front door with their overnight bags, resetting the electronic lock while construction workers regularly pass by with different-sized ladders)

Sibling 1: (As they walk around gardeners on their way to the car) Well, I had a great time!

Sibling 2: Glad one of us did.  My review of this place will be a bit harsh, so you may want to help me temper the wording before I submit it.

Sibling 1: Of course!  I just think it was awesome we finally got to explore almost-the-real-house, and we saw so many ghosts here!

Sibling 2: (Freezes, then laughs) Wait, you don’t think all these – (Waves a hand at the construction workers busily remodeling and replanting around the house) are actually ghosts, right?  They’re just contractors.  Probably illegally overworked, for all they annoyed me.

Sibling 1: No, they’re the ghosts – see?  (Holds out the papers that had been on the front table) “All noncorporeal entities that you witness are on technically unauthorized ‘loan’ from the Winchester Mystery House®, in order to heighten the experience – they will vanish upon guests’ check-out.”

Sibling 2: (Takes the papers and reads them, then snorts in disbelief) Yeah, and if you believe that – (Suddenly looks up as all construction sounds cease; no construction worker is in sight, anywhere) What...?  Where…?  Who…?

Sibling 1: (Checks watch) 10:00, on the dot!  (Slaps Sibling 2 on the shoulder) This was the best Halloween ever – thanks!  (Gets into the car’s passenger seat)

Sibling 2: (Still staring at the now-empty house) …Does it count as a haunting if I didn’t realize it was happening at the time?

Story 559: Haunted Woods Misadventure: A Crossover Event!

             (At yet another ordinary-farm-11-months-out-of-the-year/Halloween-extravaganza-in-October, at night Friend 1 and Friend 2 approach the line with a huge sign reading “Haunted Woods” at the entrance just as the group ahead of them is allowed to enter – if they dare….)

Employee: (Reattaching a rope barrier and shaking shaggy hair out of eyes as the two arrive, with no one else in line behind them) “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Friend 1: (As both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each) Yeah, but what’s with the whole non-disclosure agreement tacked onto the fine print in there?  You all expect corporate espionage of your mechanical ghosts or something?

Employee: What?  Oh, ahem, that’s just so “the secrets of these terrifying woods remain unspoiled for generations to come.”

Friend 2: Is that why the line for this thing is always so short?

Employee: Pretty much: tonight’s the busiest it’s been all month, especially for a Sunday.  Guess the possibility of getting sued is too much of a scare for most people to handle.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Shuddering) Yeah.

Employee: (Peers over at the woods’ makeshift exit nearby) Probably’ll only be another few minutes, then I can let you in; fine print also said we can’t have more than one group in there at a time.

Friend 1: Sure, thanks, we’re not going anywhere.  (Mutters to Friend 2) Anything’s better than that hour-long hayride line.

Friend 2: Well, I thought the production design and actors’ performances were top-notch and worth the wait – I loved the artwork in the slaughterhouse, and that zombie witch was amazing, worked the crowd like a dream!

Friend 1: Yes, I’ll give them 4.5 stars for effects and 0.5 stars for efficiency.

Friend 2: To be fair, there had to have been over 100 people on that line.

Friend 1: Then clearly some process improvement is needed.

(Both turn suddenly on hearing a faint “Hey!  Over here!”  from back by the main area of the farm where the parking lot, food court, and gift shop were set up; squinting in the distance, they see a smiling figure waving at them and then pointing to a wristwatch on the other arm until another figure walks over carrying two drinks, moves one to hold the edge by the teeth, and uses the now-free hand to grab the waving figure by the shirt collar and yank the former to sit down at a picnic table)

Friend 2: That was weird – I didn’t recognize either of them, did you?

Friend 1: I don’t think so, but I do know that creep somehow stole my watch from hundreds of feet away!

Friend 2: (Holds up Friend 1’s arm that is wearing a watch) You mean this watch?

Friend 1: (As Friend 2 lets the arm drop) …I retract my previous statement.  (Glances back over where the figures can no longer be seen through the milling crowds) Forget the scripted scares – it’s our fellow customers who freak me out more than anything else at these places.

Friend 2: I hear ya.

(They then turn toward the exit as the group that had been in line ahead of them emerges from the woods, all of them appearing shaken and eerily quiet)

Friend 1: (To the group) Great time, huh?

Group: (Turning as one to Friend 1, eyes widening in horror) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! (They continue screaming as they run all the way to the parking lot)

Friend 2: Amazing how you have that effect on people.

Friend 1: (Shrugs and smiles) It’s a gift.

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Friend 1: (To Employee while passing through with Friend 2) Job’s drained the soul out of you that much, yeah?

Employee: Like you wouldn’t believe.  (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring off into the middle distance)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe you should just stop talking to people in general.

Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?

(They enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet)

Friend 2: Whelp, this sure is a fire hazard if I ever saw one.

Friend 1: Relax, they’re professionals – it’s probably… I dunno, fake fire or something.

Friend 2: Yeah, and I bet these are fake trees, too.

Friend 1: Really?

Friend 2: No!

Friend 1: Oh.  (They reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) So, which way are we supposed to go to see the ghosts or the vampires or the werewolves or the whatever in this joint?

Friend 2: It doesn’t matter: just pick one, get lost for five minutes, and they’ll herd us on outta here when they feel we’ve had enough fun for the night.

Friend 1: OK…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s do that one!

Friend 2: Fine.

(They walk down the shadowy, fading path)

Friend 1: I’m telling you though, if I don’t get legitimately scared at least once in here, I’m getting our money back.

Friend 2: Heh, good luck with that….

(At the Haunted Woods line entrance, Employee is brushing fallen leaves off of buzz-cut hair as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 approach, with no one else in line behind them)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) I don’t think I wanna do this one – who makes you sign an NDA for a glorified walk?!

Sibling 1: That just means it’s really good!  And I thought you were all about the thrill rides?

Sibling 2: Yes, rides, where we’re propelled through the air; this is just wandering around waiting for people to jump out at us and elevate our blood pressure.  If I wanted that, I’d just take a walk in the city.

Sibling 1: (Wiggles fingers sarcastically at Sibling 2) Ooh, edgy.

Employee: “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Sibling 1: Yeppers!  (They both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each)

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) `K, go on in – oh, sorry, ahem: “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Sibling 2: Hold on, is there another group in there already?  Didn’t the forms say we should wait?

Employee: Nah, you’re the only ones who’ve come here so far tonight.  Lots of people skip this one, especially considering what today is; can’t imagine why.

Sibling 2: Yeah, don’t remind me.

Sibling 1: Awesome!  (Turns to Sibling 2 in glee) We can take all the time we want!

Employee: (Forlornly) Sure, take all the time you want….

Sibling 2: (Looks askew at Employee while passing through with Sibling 1) OK, thanks, we’ll go on ahead, then.

Employee: (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring into the middle distance) Go on ahead, then….

Sibling 1: (Back to Employee) Wait, how much time do we get in there, really?

Employee: (Still staring into the distance) What is time?

Sibling 2: (Mutters to Sibling 1 as they enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet) I think that one’s soul’s been drained by the job.

Sibling 1: (Trotting ahead in excitement) Yeah-yeah-yeah – (They both reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) Ummm…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s go down this one!  (Starts running ahead, then turns around and runs backward for a bit) C’mon, you’re gonna miss all the hauntings if they just get me!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head affectionately and jogs briefly to catch up) Would that be a bad thing?

(They lightly shove each other and laugh as they walk down the shadowy, fading path)

(At another intersection, Friend 1 and Friend 2 have slowed down to a trudge)

Friend 1: (Points to a tree) OK, I know I’ve seen that piece of fungus before.

Friend 2: We have to be going in circles, but how can we if we’ve been going in a straight line this whole time?!

Friend 1: I don’t know!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm in sudden realization) Is that why we had to sign the NDA?!  Are the woods eventually going to… EAT US??!!

Friend 2: (Coolly plucks off Friend 1’s hand) If we were eaten, then we wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anything anyway.  And the group ahead of us came out of here just fine.

Friend 1: Huh, I don’t know about that – they looked to me like ones whose bodies had been snatched to make new bodies, if you know what I mean.

Friend 2: Unfortunately, yes.  I’m just surprised we haven’t seen a single employee jumping out of the trees or standing there ominously or doing something to get us out of here so they could go back to doing nothing.

Friend 1: I know!  I thought the woods would be haunted with minimum-wage teenagers trying to liven up their night as soon as we got in here, and instead we’ve been moseying about, unspooked and unterrified, for – (Checks the watch and taps its face) an indeterminate length of time, because apparently my watch battery has expired.

Friend 2: Great: we can be haunted by the ghost of the dead watch battery, then.

Friend 1: Hey, at this point, I’ll take it.

(They freeze in place at the sudden sound of snapping twigs, then hold each other in fright)

Friend 1: (Whispering as they both look around for where the noises are coming from) Is this it?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Friend 2: (Also whispering) Maybe – unless it’s actually a wild animal that wandered in here and we should run for our lives!

Friend 1: If we run, it’ll just chase us!  We need to stand and fight!

Friend 2: Using what for weapons?!

Friend 1: I don’t know – the power of friendship?!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 round the corner, and all four scream at each other)

Sibling 1: (As they all catch their breaths and force their racing hearts back into their chests) Oh, thank goodness – we thought you were the ghosts!

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) You thought they were the ghosts – (Shakes head abruptly) whatever, there are no ghosts; I’ve seen jack squat of anyone working here since we came in what feels like an hour ago; and the scariest thing we’ve come across is that possum that you freaked out over earlier.

Sibling 1: (Hisses at Sibling 2) You swore you’d never tell anyone about that!

Sibling 2: Anyone we know!

Friend 1: (Having detached from Friend 2) Well, I’m just glad to see someone else in here besides the two of us, because the dearth of terrifying actors in these supposedly haunted woods has been extremely distracting.

Sibling 2: You two must’ve been in here a while, then; the employee out front said no one else was here tonight.

Friend 1: I have a forgettable face.

Friend 2: That’s weird: bypassing the fact that I’ve just been completely ignored, there was another group right before us.

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) Poor sap doesn’t even know who’s coming and going – I was right, guess that job really is that soul-draining.

Friend 1: That’s what I said, too.

Sibling 1: So, you got lost just like us, huh?

Friend 2: (Glaring at Friend 1; through gritted teeth) Yes!

Friend 1: We are not lost; we just… misplaced the exit.

Sibling 2: Well, we’ve been wandering around for I don’t know how long; you mind if we tag along with you and maybe together we can find our way out of here?

Friend 2: I’d say “Yes,” but I doubt any of us could find our way out of a paper bag right now.

Sibling 2: (Takes out a cell phone and taps the screen a few times) I’d gladly give up any semblance of dignity and use GPS to tell us where to go, except now my phone seems to be on the fritz – anyone else?

(The other three take out their phones and tap them uselessly)

Friend 1: Shucks, I can’t even be one of those panicky people and call 9-1-1 to get us airlifted out of here!

Sibling 1: Heh-heh-heh – that’d be pretty sweet.

Sibling 2: No, it wouldn’t!  It’d be so embarrassing!

Sibling 1: Hey, listen, I’m sorry this is turning out to be no fun – you were probably right we shouldn’t have done this, especially on Friday the 13^th.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 look up from their phones suddenly, then at each other in confusion)

Sibling 2: I’m not superstitious; it’s just that everything always goes wrong for me on that day and now I’m being proven right again!  I’ll just stay home for 24 hours when the next one rolls around, that’s all.

Friend 1: Ex – cuuuuse meee….

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 1: You said, “Friday the 13^th”?

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 2: Today’s Sunday the 13^th.

(All four furrow their brows at each other)

Sibling 2: Noooo, today’s Friday.  Have you two lost a weekend in here or something?

Friend 1: Ew, no; Friday the 13^th was last year.  This year was Leap Year so that date skipped Saturday and now it’s Sunday.  (To Friend 2’s raised eyebrows) Yes, I know some things.

Sibling 1: Wait, Leap Year?  That’s next year.

Friend 1: Tell that to this past February 29.  (Laughs in disbelief) I mean, what year do you think it is?

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: 2023.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the other two in shock, then look at each other and laugh in borderline hysteria)

Friend 1: (Wiping a tear from an eye and wagging a finger at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) You, you almost had me for a second; I think it’s the whole atmosphere in here, Halloween and all, very funny.  E for Effort.

Sibling 2: (After sharing a confused look with Sibling 1) So, what year do you think it is?

Friend 1: Yes, you’ve had your fun, it’s still 2024, all year, let’s be adults!

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s eyes widen in shock)

Sibling 1: 2024?!  (Falls to the ground in a brief faint)

Sibling 2: Excuse me – this one’s very susceptible to stress.  (Picks up Sibling 1 and brushes dirt and twigs off the latter) If our phones were working I’d show you the date and knock off this nonsense, but I assure you – (To Sibling 1) especially you – (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) that it’s still 2023, all year.

Friend 1: All year last year.

Sibling 2: OK, fine: so if you’re from – (Air quotes) “The Future”, then who won the next U.S. Presidential Election, hm?

Friend 1: It hasn’t happened yet!

Sibling 2: …Oh right.

Friend 1: And why does everybody always ask something like that to prove the other person’s from the future?  I could just make up anything and you’d never know the difference until it was way too late!

Sibling 2: All right, forget it, I’ll think of something else, just give me a minute!

Friend 1: (Raises a finger with an idea) I’ve got it!  (Holds out the arm with the wristwatch for Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 to see) Look – the date here says “2024” and it’s non-satellite dependent, so there!

Sibling 2: (Looks up from the watch after a few moments) Prank.

Friend 1: Seriously?! 

Friend 2: This is getting us literally nowhere – who cares if we’re in a time warp or something, the bottom line is we’ve gotta get out of here!

Sibling 1: (Looking up at the treetops) You know, I’ve been wondering if this place actually contains a wormhole that forced our particles into quantum entanglement –

Sibling 2: Oh, so now you decide to use your physics degree?!  Can you wormhole us to the direction where we came in, then?!

Sibling 1: (Looks back at Sibling 2) I could try, but the superstrings –

Sibling 2: Not.  Another.  Word.

Friend 1: (Holds up a hand) I have an idea: maybe if we keep taking this path, it’ll dump us out of the woods – somewhere.  Somewhen?

Friend 2: Taking this path is what led us here in the first place!  And now we’re stuck in the past and have to live last year all over again, and I regret everything I did that year, everything!

Friend 1: Or, contrarily – (Gestures at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) they’re stuck in the future, and have now lost a year.  (Turns to the other two) My condolences.

Sibling 2: I refuse to accept –

(All four freeze as they hear snapping twigs; a figure rounds the corner, wearing old-fashioned clothes and carrying a crossbow)

Hunter: Ah, fellow travelers… in strange clothing.  Are ye also seeking deer on this fine Hunter’s Moon night?  (The other four scream and run down the path ahead) Hm.  I do worry about the English sometimes.

(The four stop after a few minutes to catch their breaths)

Friend 1: I don’t believe this!  I’m stuck into a time vortex in the messed-up woods – and I’m out of paid vacation time at work!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 nod in sympathy while bent over, gasping)

Friend 2: (Straightens up) Wait – listen!  (They all strain to hear) I think that’s the crowds from the main part of the farm… (Faint screams are heard) Yes!  Hear that?!  I’ve never been so happy to hear fake terror in all my life!

Sibling 1: Huzzah, we’re saved!  (Starts to run but Sibling 2 grabs the former by the shirt collar and yanks back; Friend 1’s eyes widen in realization)

Sibling 2: Sooooo… what’s going to happen when we all leave here?  We disappear, you disappear, what?

Friend 1: No idea, but I do know one thing – (Points to Sibling 1) it was you!

Sibling 1: Huh?

Friend 1: You were the creep with my watch before we came in here!  I’d never seen you before, but now I see everything!

Sibling 1: “Creep”?!

Friend 2: (Leans in to squint at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 as Friend 1 takes off the watch) Oh yeah, you’re right, it is them.  Different clothes, though – did you two do a quick-change and stalk us in here, then?

Sibling 2: What?  No!

Sibling 1: Yeah, that sounds like way too much effort.

Friend 1: Here.  (Hands the watch to Sibling 1) You both have to come back here in exactly a year from today, and you wear the watch and wave at us from the food court while we’re waiting on line, and then we’ll know this whole time-wormhole-thing is true – and if you don’t do it, it’ll create a paradox and the universe’ll implode or something.

Sibling 1: (Pocketing the watch) Actually, it’s more likely that an alternate universe will be created –

Sibling 2: Thank you, Professor Nerd.  (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) This has been loads of fun, but I think it’s time – (Rolls eyes at the unintentional pun) ugh – we all got the blazes outta here, don’t you agree?

Friend 2: Don’t have to tell me twice!  (They all run to the exit, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 getting ahead of Friend 1 and Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Cups hands around mouth to shout) Remember!  “One year hence!”

Sibling 2: (Shouting back as Sibling 1 gives a thumbs-up) Right, Green Knight!  (Turns a corner with Sibling 1)

Friend 1: (Smiling wildly) Yeah, you got it.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn the same corner soon afterward and run out of the woods; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are nowhere in sight)

Friend 1: (In an awed whisper) They vanished….

Friend 2: Yeah – away from you.  Let’s get out of here; I really wanna go home.

Friend 1: Just a second.  (Shouts at Employee who still is stationed at the head of the empty line) Hey!  (Employee turns with a vacant expression) What year is it?

Employee: (Covers shaggy hair up against ears) Don’t ask me such things – I won’t be sued, I won’t!  (Runs away to the staff break room, “La-la-la!”-ing all the way)

Friend 2: (Holds out cell phone to show Friend 1 the display) OK, phone’s working again, and just in case you were wondering: it’s still Sunday, October 13, 2024.

Friend 1: (Nods once in affirmation) And all is right with the world.

(They jog back to the parking lot, passing the food court and rushing away from the crowds)

Sibling 1: (Running over to them, with Sibling 2 not far behind) Hey-wait-up-wait-up!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn around) Remember us?  It’s been a year, for us anyway!  Here’s your watch!  (Takes off the watch and gives it to Friend 1) I even put in a new battery; no extra charge!

Friend 1: (Examines it closely) Seems legit.  (To Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Well, it’s hard to tell if you’ve aged a year and this actually was for real, or an extremely elaborate set-up to satisfy a very sick sense of humor.

Sibling 1: Hey, it’s Halloween month – anything can happen!

Sibling 2: I have to admit, I doubted we’d see you two and almost didn’t come out tonight, but here you are, exactly as you were when we last saw you a year ago.  Hard to believe.

Friend 2: (Looking lost) Yes.  Considering that for us it was only five minutes ago, I’m not sure how I feel about all this.

Sibling 1: Pretty life-changing, I’d say.  Meeting at a temporal crossroads; avoiding paradoxes to save the universe; the works!

Friend 1: Yeah.  Too bad we all signed an agreement that we’d never talk about it, so there goes our chance at geek fame and fortune.

Sibling 2: Heh-heh, that legalese’ll get ya every time.

Story 547: So Many Parties, So Little Time

            (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, what’s up?  Shouldn’t you be working right now, like I’m supposed to be?

Sibling 2: I am, but I needed to walk away for a few minutes before I threw my computer over a cubicle wall or something.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, know the feeling.  It’s quite liberating, actually; you should go through with it sometime, like when I –

Sibling 2: Yeah, I don’t think I want to hear the rest of that story: right now I’m sitting at the outdoor koi pond somebody here had the foresight to install a few years ago, and I’m slowly being hypnotized by the lazily swimming fish, wishing I were one of them….

Sibling 1: Groovy.

Sibling 2: (Shakes self out of trance) Anyway, I’m calling to check what time you want me to pick you up for the barbecue on Saturday.

Sibling 1: Which barbecue on Saturday?

Sibling 2: (Mini-sighs) Our cousins’ barbecue that you got the invitation for last month?  You said you’d bring the shrimp ring, and you know how much Grandpa looks forward to that.

Sibling 1: Oh, you mean our first cousins’ barbecue – I wasn’t sure if you were talking about that one or our second-cousins-once-removed’s barbecue.

Sibling 2: Second cousins – ?  Oh, well, no, we’re not going to that one: we got invited to this one first, and they’re closer in the family tree and distance.

Sibling 1: Well, maybe you’re not going….

Sibling 2: But you’re already going to this one.

Sibling 1: One can go to multiple events in one day, can’t one?

Sibling 2: I guess, but why?

Sibling 1: Party’s a party – I never turn down an invitation for free food, drinks, and/or pool.

Sibling 2: Of course you don’t.

Sibling 1: So, while we’re on the subject, I’m gonna need you to save me a parking spot for when I come back later.

Sibling 2: Oh, so you’ll only be leaving for a little bit?

Sibling 1: Wellllll, definite “a little bit.”

Sibling 2: An hour?

Sibling 1: That barely covers chips and dip!

Sibling 2: OK, how long do you need the spot for, then?

Sibling1: Hm, I’d say a good six hours.

Sibling 2: What?!  The second cousins’ second party isn’t that far away!

Sibling 1: Oh, I forgot to mention – after going to their barbecue, I have nine other parties to make cameo appearances in.

Sibling 2: (Nearly falls off the bench into the koi pond) Nine other parties?!

Sibling 1: Yeah – or is it 10?  No, nine; I’m losing track.  So, 11 total on Saturday – one that’s overnight – I’ve got another 10 on Sunday – another that’s overnight – and then back to work on Monday, yippee!  I’m exhausted already, but whatcha gonna do?

Sibling 2: (Flat tone) You have 21 parties to attend in two days.

Sibling 1: Yep!  Normally I’d just visit each one once, but I heard the first cousins’ one on Saturday’s gonna have s`mores at the end, so I’ll be coming back for those, yum-yum.

Sibling 2: OK, there’re the two barbecues, so what could all those other parties possibly be?!

Sibling 1: Oh, you know, the usual: birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, baby showers, baby sprinkles, wedding showers, wedding receptions, divorce receptions, retirements, Mitzvahs both Bar and Bat, and a for-real midsummer night party – supposedly, Titania and Oberon are flying in with their fairy crew on that one, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.  There’s no way one person can attend that many events in that short a time period, even if they miraculously were all held within the same geographic area which I’m assuming they’re not – it’s physically impossible.

Sibling 1: You’d think so, but I’ve got everything timed perfectly and it’s guaranteed to work like a charm.  Speaking of which, along with saving me a spot on Saturday, on Sunday could you drive my car from the train station here to the train station in the city so I can pick it up a little after 6:05 p.m., please?

Sibling 2: Hold on: you want me to drive into the city on a Sunday afternoon in the summer?

Sibling 1: Yeah, I’ll owe you one – want me to pick you up an Italian ice from the baby shower or a piece of cake from the wedding?  You’ll have to eat it right away, though – word is the temp’s gonna be 103°F all weekend.

Sibling 2: Wait, wait: after I bring your car to the train station, how’m I supposed to get home then?!

Sibling 1: The train.  Oh right – I’ll give you money for a ticket; how thoughtless of me.

Sibling 2: Why don’t you just take the train back to your car?!

Sibling 1: Because at 6:20 I have to be at some club downtown for the retirement party, and from there I have go to the suburbs for one of the birthday parties for a quick cake-and-ice-cream before going two states over where no trains are to be had for the Midsummer Night Party, Part 2: Puck’s Revenge.  So, I’ll need my car waiting for me there, not here, and wind up paying outrageous parking garage fees for the 1.25 hours I’ll be clubbing before I have to move on, but such is life.

Sibling 2: I’m just surprised there are no funeral repasts thrown in there for good measure.

Sibling 1: There’s the one, but I thought it’d be tacky to mention.

SATURDAY: PARTY #3

(At the first cousins’ backyard barbecue)

Sibling 1: (Bursting onto the scene through the open side gate, bearing aloft a shrimp ring and wearing a sash reading “CONGRATS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!”) Howdy, fam!

Relatives: (Stationed throughout the backyard at tables, lawn games, and the pool; all raise glasses in salute) Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

Cousin: (Rushes over to Sibling 1; they air kiss each other as the former grabs the shrimp ring) Nice to see you – Grandpa was getting antsy.  (Rushes to one of the tables and plops down the shrimp ring before rushing back to the grill)

Grandpa: FI – NALLY!  (Dives in)

(Sibling 2 strolls over to Sibling 1, holding out an unopened water bottle)

Sibling 2: Glad you could make it – thought your timing was off and you’d have to skip this one.

Sibling 1: (Sees the water bottle and shakes head while stripping down to a bathing suit) No thanks – nope, everything is right on schedule and this is the only event today with a diving-sized pool so I’m not wasting another second on personal greetings, byeeeeeee!!!!!  (Kicks off shoes, runs to the in-ground pool, and belly flops into the deep end, splashing everyone inside and out)

Sibling 2: (Shakes head and opens the water bottle to drink from it) Unbelievable.  (Walks over to the pool area and leans on the railing surrounding it; to Sibling 1, who is shaking water out of ears) By the way, where’d you wind up parking so I can save your spot later?

Sibling 1: (After swinging head back and forth a few more times) What?  Oh – parking’s a nightmare around here so I’m about five blocks over, jammed between two trucks.  I haven’t parallel parked in years; it wasn’t pretty, let me tell you.

Sibling 2: So how’m I supposed to save you a spot if there’s no extra room?

Sibling 1: I dunno; park sideways?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) And it’s five blocks away?  In this heat?

Sibling 1: You’re telling me!  The shrimp and I nearly melted on the way here, but at least that was in ice; I was sweating like a storm cloud!  (Nearby kids in the pool get disgusted looks on their faces and start swimming away) Oh, like you showered before you came in here!  That’s what I thought.

Sibling 2: I got a spot right out front and I am not giving that up, for you or for anybody.  Except maybe Grandpa: he’s earned it.

Sibling 1: But you promised!

Sibling 2: Relax: by the time you get back here, a good percentage of the cars on the street will have given up and gone home – I’m sure you’ll find something closer.  Maybe even right next to my car.  (Turns to walk back to the tables and food) Have fun getting all wrinkly in there before your next gig!

Sibling 1: Oh I will, oathbreaker!  (Sibling 2 waves backward over a shoulder as Sibling 1 leans back to float on the water) Ahhhhhh, this is the life… (Checks waterproof watch) for the next 35 minutes….

SATURDAY – SUNDAY: PARTY #11

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga and drinking mead from a tumbler; to a partygoer wearing a fake donkey’s head) So, are Titania and Oberon showing up tonight or what?

Partygoer: (Muffled voice) Doesn’t look like it.  (Gestures to the fake head) I was hoping this get-up would have them rushing over to resolve everything so all will be well, but nope – we should’ve thrown-in the mixed-up lovers for good measure but our host thought that would’ve been “a bit much”.  Best we can hope for is maybe Puck’ll show up tomorrow to give us the what-for.

Sibling 1: Ah yes: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: I’ll say – I haven’t been able to eat a bite all night with this thing on.

SUNDAY: PARTY #18

(In a banquet hall)

Sibling 1: (In a business casual outfit, devouring a filet mignon while seated at a round table with five other guests) Sure, graduation’s great and all that, but wait until the loans start getting called in – for the rest of your life!  (Everyone including Sibling 1 laugh uproariously, then start weeping silently) Twenty years later; they just don’t stop.  (Sibling 1’s cell phone rings; to the other guests) Excuse me.  (Turns away from the others to answer the call, sniffling) Hey, what’s up?

Sibling 2: (Standing on a train station platform) Enjoying the baby sprinkle?

Sibling 1: Graduation #2, actually – everything OK?

Sibling 2: No, not really: I’m in the city right now, after delivering your car as promised –

Sibling 1: Aw, you’re the best!

Sibling 2: Hm.  So, I’m at the train station, and wouldn’t you know it: the 100+° weather has melted the infrastructure, and all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Takes a bit of filet) Gee, that stinks – what time you think the next train’ll show up?

Sibling 2: I don’t think you’re listening: all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Chews for a bit) Oh.  So you’re stuck there, huh?  That’s too bad.

Sibling 2: Here’s the thing: I have a car right here, so I actually can go home right now.

Sibling 1: Oh, that’s great!

Sibling 2: …It’s your car.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Right.  I need that.

Sibling 2: So, here’s what I propose we do: I come and pick you up wherever you happen to be carousing now, and we both go home.  Now.

Sibling 1: Hang on, I can’t do that, I have… (Counts on fingers) three more events to get to tonight!  (Eyebrows rise in realization) You could drive me to them…?

Sibling 2: No.

Sibling 1: C’mon, it’ll be fun!  You don’t even have to drop me off and wait in the car; you’ll go to the parties with me, and we’ll have a blast!  Why didn’t I think of this earlier?!

Sibling 2: There are two issues with your sudden burst of inspiration: A: I wasn’t invited to any of your remaining shindigs, so that’d be rude; and B: I have a date tonight with either Elizabeth Bennet or Gilgamesh; I haven’t made up my mind who I’m in the mood for yet.

Sibling 1: Nerd.  Those two can wait forever: tonight’s to-dos are one-night only!  And the people running them won’t care if there’s one extra person – they’ll actually thank you for being there to take their food so they won’t have leftovers since there’s always more than can be eaten at these things and no one wants it to go to waste!

Sibling 2: (Sighs, wiping sweat off of brow) Three more parties, you say?

Sibling 1: Yes!  Next one’s a retirement after 60 years, so you know it’s gonna be wild!

Sibling 2: All right: I’ll bring you to that one, and if I can’t take it anymore when your allotted time is up, we’re going back home, got it?

Sibling 1: Absolutely!  But you won’t want to go home at that point, I guarantee it!

Sibling 2: Yeah, OK, text me the address where you are now, bye.  (Ends the call, flinching when the voice on the station platform’s loudspeaker announces the same lack of updates from five minutes prior)

Sibling 1: Yessss!!!!  (Texts the banquet hall’s address while turning back to the table, where the other guests are staring back in anticipation) My ride.

Guests: Ah.  (They all return to eating)

SUNDAY: PARTY #19

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 enter a club where the low lights are flashing, the deep music is thrumming, and the guests on the dance floor are bouncing)

Sibling 2: This is the retirement party?!

Sibling 1: I know, right?!  Best Vice President of Sales ever, woooooo!!!  (Raises arms and joins the crowd on the dance floor; Sibling 2 shrugs and does the same)

SUNDAY – MONDAY: PARTY #21

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga again, holding a tumbler in one hand and holding out another to Sibling 2) Mead?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it, then at Sibling 1) I’m driving right after this!

Sibling 1: …Oh yeah.  (Shrugs, then tries to drink out of both tumblers at the same time but spills the mead instead) Oops.

Sibling 2: (Shakes head) You’re hopeless.  So, what’re we all waiting in a creepy circle for?  (Gestures to the partygoers standing in a large circle)

Sibling 1: (Leans in conspiratorially) We’re waiting to see if Puck makes an appearance tonight with his magic and wonder, `cause apparently he’s the one who’ll make this party and without him it’ll be pretty dull and probably over in the next 10 to 15 minutes.

Sibling 2: Ah, I get it: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: (Wearing the donkey head again, points to Sibling 1) Hey, that’s what you said last night!

Sibling 1: I sure did!  (To Sibling 2) See?  I can nerd with the best of them.

Sibling 2: (Smiles affectionately at Sibling 1) OK.  (They stand in silence for a few moments) I have to admit, tonight was a lot more fun than I thought it was going to be, so even though it wasn’t originally on purpose, thanks for bringing me along.

Sibling 1: My pleasure.  (Tries to drink from both tumblers again and fails again) I’ll get this right some time tonight.

Sibling 2: So how did you get invited to so many parties all at once, anyway?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Dunno – guess I just network a lot, and can’t say “No” when it comes to a good time.

Sibling 2: Clearly.  (A bright lights appears in the middle of the circle) What the blazes is that?!

(A person who looks like a satyr appears in the middle of the circle as the partygoers cheer)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s shoulder and jumps repeatedly in excitement, spilling more mead) It’s Puck!  He’s actually here – this is AWESOME!

Puck: (Spreads arms wide open to receive the crowd’s adulation) Let’s get this party started, my midsummer night’s dreams!  (Whips out a boom box from thin air and starts playing 90’s dance music while almost everyone else gathers closer to do the same bouncing that the club guests were doing)

Sibling 2: (Staring in shock at the scene) I think… this is officially the weirdest night of my life.

Sibling 1: (Tosses the empty tumblers onto a nearby table and drags Sibling 2 into the circle to dance) If that’s the case, then we’ve really gotta hang out together more often!

Story 537: The Ultimate Thrill Ride

             (At an extremely large outdoor amusement park)

Sibling 1: (After purchasing admission and putting on a wristband while handing another over to Sibling 2) I can’t believe how prices just keep going up and up and up from when we went here as kids!  At this rate, inflation’ll never end!

Sibling 2: I can’t believe you make the same observation every time you buy something lately.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Do I?

Sibling 2: Yes.  I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but I just know you’d say it again when we get something to eat and when we go to the arcade and when we do pretty much anything else here, so I decided to head you off at the pass and save myself the aggravation of having to hear it.

Sibling 1: (Mildly miffed) Wow.  I had no idea – is there anything else I do that irritates you while we’re on the subject?

Sibling 2: Well, now that you bring it up –

Sibling 1: Forget it: right now I wanna go on the swings and have a good time, and by gum, I’m gonna!  (Runs to that ride’s line)

Sibling 2: (Strolls after) Sure – no one’s stopping you.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Sibling 1: (As both make their fifth circuit through the amusement park) I think we hit all the highlights we wanted, right?  I still can’t get over how amazingly short the lines are!

Sibling 2: Yep: can’t beat going here on a Thursday in September.

Sibling 1: So, wanna do any repeats before we head back home and collapse in satisfied exhaustion?

Sibling 2: (Looks around) Well… not a repeat, but I’ve always had my eye on that one.  (Points to a space shuttle launchpad)

Sibling 1: (Laughs) Heh, yeah, OK.  (Looks back at Sibling 2) …You’re serious?

Sibling 2: Of course.  Why not?

Sibling 1: Because!  That’s the Rocket Ship Space Launcher – and it’s not hyperbole: it literally launches you into OUTER SPACE!

Sibling 2: Yeah?

Sibling 1: (Huffs in disbelief) I know you’re a daredevil, but even you have to admit that’s taking “thrill seeking” a bit too far!  I’m shocked it’s still in operation – last I heard, a group of riders got stuck in orbit and no one’s heard from them since!

Sibling 2: That’s an urban legend: they touched down in Antarctica a day later.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!

Sibling 2: Everybody was fine – eventually – I don’t see what the big deal is.

Sibling 1: Unbelievable.

Sibling 2: Well, I’m going on it; it you’re too much of a coward to join me, I’ll see you from the Moon, then.  (Starts walking toward the ride)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s arm) Hold on: you realize this might be a little too much for you to handle, right?

Sibling 2: (As Sibling 1 lets go) Are you joking?  Don’t you remember the time I rode the Colossal Cavernous Cretinous Coaster?

Sibling 1: You must’ve been with your buddies on that trip – I’ve never even heard of it!

Sibling 2: (Chuckles while staring off in reminiscence) Few have, for only those deemed worthy in mind, body, and spirit are allowed to even learn of its existence, let alone ride it.

Sibling 1: …For real?

Sibling 2: (Still staring into the distance) It was a thing of beauty: 40 loops; 360° spins every five seconds; more than 80% of the ride is spent upside-down; the cars were reversed at least four times on the tracks; and our bodies completely broke free from gravity’s greedy grasp for a solid minute.  I’ve never experienced anything so transcendent in my entire life, and I doubt I ever will again.

Sibling 1: Oh, please.

Sibling 2: (Turns back to Sibling 1 and points at the launchpad) This one might run a close second though, and I think you should experience something that monumentally profound at least once in your life, too.

Sibling 1: I don’t get why I should: I already went on the Suborbital Slingshot with you today, against my better judgement.

Sibling 2: And you didn’t regret it, right?

Sibling 1: Mildly!  My stomach is still up in the clouds somewhere!

Sibling 2: So you won’t miss it when we go on this one – maybe you’ll get it back on the way down!

Sibling 1: (Sighs in defeat) You owe me.

Sibling 2: (Loops an arm around Sibling 1’s shoulders to lead them both to the ride) What for?  It’s not like I need a guardian or something to go on the ride.  If anything, you’ll owe me for the awesome experience you’re about to have.

(Since there is no line, the Ride Operator leaning against the control panel wakes up and straps Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 into their seats, placing spacesuit helmets over their heads and hooking them up to oxygen tanks)

Ride Operator: (Goes back to the control panel and grabs a loudspeaker) OK, keep all limbs immobile at all times; keep breathing no matter what; and if anything goes wrong, hit the red button on your seat.

Sibling 1: (Through the helmet’s microphone as Ride Operator completes the final pre-flight checks) And how are we supposed to hit the red button if our limbs are immobile at all times?!  (To Sibling 2)  The instructions need a little workshopping, it seems.

Sibling 2: (Bouncing lightly in the seat) Yeah, I wanna get off.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, yeah.  (Turns to Sibling 2 and sees that the latter’s face is extremely pale) Are you kidding?

Sibling 2: (Shakes head slowly back and forth) Nope.

Sibling 1: I don’t believe it – how is this any different from the Colossal Whatever-Whatever Coaster?!

Sibling 2: (Barks out a laugh) That was a baby ride – they had to wake me up when it was over so I would get out.  This?!  Is off the map!

Sibling 1: (Yells over the sound of a massive exhaust release from the ride’s engines) You’re the one who talked me into riding this thing, and now you wanna bail?!  You are not leaving!

Sibling 2: (Squeezes eyes shut as the ride begins to vibrate violently) I regret everything I’ve ever done in my life!

Sibling 1: AND I HATE YOUUUUUU – (Ride launches into space) UUUUUUUU…!!!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 scream as they exit Earth’s atmosphere; the capsule reaches escape velocity, then hovers in semi-orbit above the planet)

Sibling 1: (As they gaze out into the vastness of space) Wow.  Talk about transcendent.

Sibling 2: …Is that Mars?

Sibling 1: I think so.

Sibling 2: Wow. Makes everything planet-side seem rather insignificant and pointless, huh.

Sibling 1: I’ll say.  I’m starting to question the meaning of my whole existence right now.

Sibling 2: Same.

(A spaceship flies up to them and a voice beams into their helmets)

Voice: Earth Creatures: Return to your doomed planet and cease your pollution of the rest of the universe!  This is your final warning!

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: What in the –

(They scream again as the ride begins to free fall and re-enter Earth’s atmosphere)

Sibling 1: (Sees that both of their seats’ red buttons have started flashing) What does that mean?!

Sibling 2: Guess there’s an emergency!  It’s getting a little hot in here, so I think it’s a distinct possibility we may be burning up on re-entry!

Sibling 1: For the love of – so do we both have to hit a button, or does just one of us have to hit a button?!

Sibling 2: I dunno!  (Tries wriggling a thumb to the nearest button) I can’t reach it – what about you?!

Sibling 1: Maybe!  (Reaches thumb to the nearest button) Yeah, I think so!

Sibling 2: At least one of us’ll make it, then!  I would never have forgiven myself if it was me!

Sibling 1: Don’t be so dramatic!  I’m gonna hit it now!

Sibling 2: Go ahead!  And farewell!

Sibling 1: Oh, shut it!  (Hits the button; the ride along with Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 disappear from the sky and reappear back where they started on the launchpad)

Sibling 2: (Frozen in place, along with Sibling 1) Did we just get… beamed up?!

Sibling 1: …I think we technically got beamed down.

(Ride Operator runs over to them, takes off their helmets, and releases their restraints)

Ride Operator: Are you two OK?!

Sibling 1: (Slowly stands) Yeah?  We survived, I think.

Ride Operator: (After helping Sibling 2 stand) Awesome; I forgot before you boarded the ride: could you sign these forms, please?  (Hands over two computer tablets) You can just put your thumbprint on them at this point.

Sibling 1: (As both discombobulatedly do so) Sure, what are we signing?

Ride Operator: Only that you won’t sue the amusement park, the ride manufacturer, and/or me, and that you will never speak a word to anyone else regarding what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, and/or touched while on the ride or all those parties mentioned will sue you, thanks-bye!  (Gently shoves them through the line gate, slams it shut behind them, and shuts down the ride completely, tossing up a sign that reads “Temporarily Closed for Maintenance”)

Sibling 2: (As both stumble down the steps back to solid ground, holding onto each other for support) That… was amazing.

Sibling 1: Now that we’ve safely landed back on Planet Earth, I actually have to agree.  (They eventually start walking more steadily and stop leaning on each other) Sorry I said I hate you.

Sibling 2: That’s OK; sorry I almost abandoned you at the last minute.

Sibling 1: That’s OK.  (They stop and look around at the crowds of families and friends obliviously going about their day, then simultaneously look up at the twilight sky) You think our lives are forever changed after experiencing something like that?

Sibling 2: I do indeed.  One doesn’t touch the stars and remain the same afterward.

Sibling 1: Huh.  (They look back at each other) So now what do we do with ourselves, knowing what we know?

Sibling 2: Hmmm…. (Looks off in thought for a few moments, then back at Sibling 1) Get some ice cream?

Sibling 1: Sweet.