Story 535: But I Don’t Want to Participate in Mating Season This Year

            (Bird 1 paces on a telephone wire as Bird 2 flies up to land nearby)

Bird 2: Hey-hey, what’s-up-what’s-up?

Bird 1: Oh, not much; just waiting for the fledgling to show her face one of these days, that’s all.

Bird 2: Ah.  How’s the whole “Not letting this one leave the nest” experiment going?

Bird 1: (Stops pacing and sighs) Not as well as I’d like.  I was hoping that not kicking this one out on Day 15 of existence would bring us closer together and give me some non-demanding company over the course of our lives, but it seems to have created a whole bunch of new problems instead.

Bird 2: Oh?  Like what?

Bird 1: (Looks up suddenly) You’ll find out – she’s coming in for a landing right now.

(Bird 3, with a self-made crest no one else sports and what appears to be berry juice drawn in circles around the eyes, lands with a thud on the wire, dislodging a few other birds down the line)

Bird 3: (Looking elsewhere with an air of indifference) `Sup.

Bird 1: (Flaps wings in agitation) And where have you been, hm?

Bird 3: (Preens wing tips) Oh, you know – around.

Bird 2: (Side-stepping down the wire) Yeah, I’m going to take this opportunity to… leave.  (Cannot fly away fast enough)

Bird 1: (Not even acknowledging the exit, continues addressing Bird 2) Uh-huh.  You know very well that this is the first day of mating season –

Bird 3: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Bird 1: – and you’re not going to get any males even wanting to attract your attention and lifelong devotion if you insist on looking like that.  (Waves a wing up and down at Bird 3)

Bird 3: (Finally looks at Bird 1) Good!  Maybe I don’t want any males wanting to attract my attention!

Bird 1: (Gasps in horror) But – but – but – babies!

Bird 3: What about `em?!                                         

Bird 1: How are you supposed to have any if you don’t have males parade around in front of you strutting their stuff?!

Bird 3: Guess I won’t be, then.  (Bird 1 gasps even louder) I’m sure the species will survive a lone female bowing out of the biological cycle just this once.

Bird 1: Swoon!  (Nearly faints off the wire; Bird 3 grabs a wing and steadies her) I have never in all my two years of life ever heard such abominable heresy!  What would your father say – rest his feathered soul – if he could hear you now?!

Bird 3: I’m sure he’d wish he could’ve bowed out of the whole thing, too – it couldn’t have been easy providing for four sets of chicks a year.

Bird 1: Aiiii!!!

Bird 3: I wish you wouldn’t make such a big deal about it: all of my brothers and sisters seem to be content with continuing the family line, so you have plenty of grandkids to ensure our species’ survival.

Bird 1: I can only hope!  They all dispersed after leaving the nest – they never visit, they never send any songs my way!  You, on the other wing, I kept by my side hoping we could remain a family for longer than most, with you, your mate, and your many, many offspring!

Bird 3: Very progressive of you, but clearly misjudged.

Bird 1: (Wrings wings) Ooh, what will I say to all the others when they ask about you and your nonexistent brood?!

Bird 3: I dunno: tell `em a hawk got me or something.

Bird 1: (Stops wringing) Don’t even joke about that!  Although I’m feeling almost as bad as if one did!

Bird 3: Figures.

Bird 1: Just help me to understand: what do you plan on doing with your life if you’re not going to spend it producing more of us, may I ask?

Bird 3: (More animated) I’ve given that a lot of thought, actually: I’ve decided to migrate across the wide East Waters and explore the lands there that the albatrosses are always talking about.

Bird 1: (Beak drops open in astonishment) Migrate across the East Waters?!  We’re not built for that kind of distance, and there’ll be absolutely no food you’ll be able to get until you’ve finally reached the ends of the Earth!  What are you thinking – you’ll never make it!

Bird 3: Ah, there’s a trick, though: you know those huge metal vessels that the humans go around in?

Bird 1: You mean like the one your father – rest his feathered soul – flew into?

Bird 3: Not the ones on land – the ones on the waters.

Bird 1: Oh.  Yes, I’ve seen few of those, here and there.

Bird 3: Well, word is that you find the biggest one leaving land, one that looks like a floating city, snag a safe cubby somewhere along the outer edge, and hang out there until it reaches land on the other side!  Easy food, easy water, easy shelter – just don’t get caught, and be prepared to wind up where you started if it turns out to be a dinner cruise.

Bird 1: (Holds head in wings) My own chick, one I fed with my own digested food and sheltered with my own body against the elements both inside and outside the shell, is not only refusing to take part in the only command issued to us by Nature, but is choosing to embark on the life of a – a – scavenger!

Bird 3: You say that like it’s a bad thing; some of my best friends are scavengers.

Bird 1: (Looks back at Bird 3) You know very well my feelings about your associating with those… carrion feeders.

Bird 3: They’re called “vultures”, Mother!

(Another bird flies toward them and lands on the wire nearby)

Bird 1: (Waves a wing at Bird 3) Ooh!  Ooh!  Here comes a male!  Just give him a chance, please?  For my sake?

Bird 3: (Folds wings across chest and turns head away) Fine.

Bird 4: (Has side-stepped to the other two) Hello, ladies.

Bird 1: Hello, good sir.  (Drags Bird 3 closer) This is my daughter – (Mutters to Bird 3) At least have some manners.

Bird 3: (Without looking at Bird 4) Hey.

Bird 4: (Puffs out chest) So: you both know why I’m here.

Bird 1: Oh yes, tee-hee-hee!

Bird 4: Allow me to… prove my worth to you, then.  Ahem.  (Flings wings open wide to display striking colors and starts to tap dance without tap shoes) Ta – da – da – da, ta – da – da – da – da, da – da – da – da – DA!  Da – da – da – da –

Bird 3: (Finally shakes off Bird 1) All right, that’s enough.  (Starts waving wings at Bird 4) Hey – hey buddy –

Bird 4: – da – da – da – da –

Bird 3: COOL IT!

Bird 4: (Stops suddenly and lowers wings) Not your thing?  I’ve gotten a dozen other varieties I can show you instead – it’s my first mating season, so I’m a little nervous as you probably can tell, heh-heh-heh.

Bird 3: (Grabs Bird 4 around the head) Listen: don’t degrade yourself like this just because everyone makes you think that your only purpose in life is to make multiple versions of yourself!

Bird 4: It’s… not?

Bird 3: (Releases Bird 4’s head) Yes!  You are more than a gene carrier!

Bird 4: Oh, I know: I have to protect and provide for my mate and chicks, too.  Which I think you’ll see I am more than adequate in that area with my next performance, ahem.  (Flings open wings and begins to dance again)

Bird 3: No-no-no!

Bird 4: (Stops dancing and lowers wings) No good?  How about this, then?  (Starts to raise wings again)

Bird 3: (Reaches out to lower Bird 4’s wings) What I mean is, life is more than making babies!

Bird 4: (Slowly blinks) I don’t understand.

Bird 3: Tell me, you’re, what, a few months old, right?

Bird 4: (Puffs out chest again) Just turned six months yesterday.

Bird 3: You have so much of your life ahead of you!  So much of the world to explore, outside of this one square mile we’ve trapped ourselves in!  Yes, it’s dangerous out there, and yes, we won’t be happy all the time, but at least we’ll have lived!  And then, if you still want to have babies after that, by all means, have all the babies you want!  Your dances were amazing; I’m sure any other female would gladly pick you as an acceptable co-parent!

Bird 4: Really?  You think so?

Bird 3: Definitely!  And if after experiencing life you decide not to have babies, that’s fine too!  Plenty of others will pick up the slack; one or two of us won’t be missed in the grand scheme of things!

Bird 4: Wow.  That all sounds pretty awesome now that I think about it.  (Nods definitively) You know what?  That’s exactly what I’m gonna do!

Bird 3: Great!

Bird 4: (Facing the sky) Look out, world!  Here I come!  (Flies away triumphantly, narrowly escaping a nearby hawk)

Bird 1: (Glares at Bird 3) Just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, now you’re recruiting?!

Bird 3: (Laughs) Relax, Mother: I’m flying off to my all-inclusive migration now, so you don’t have to worry about me influencing anyone else.  (Hugs Bird 1, who hugs her back) See you next spring!  (Flies east)

Bird 1: (Sighs while watching Bird 3 recede into the distance) Never thought this’d be the way she’d finally leave the nest.  (Eyes widen in realization) Mother was right: I really did have a fledgling who grew up to be just like me!

Story 534: Easter Washout

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 2: (On phone) Not much – just wanted to wish you and your family a Happy Easter!

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  Normally I’d wish you and your family a Happy Passover at the same time, but apparently the lunar cycles went rogue and we’re not holiday buddies this year.

Friend 2: Oh well, it happens.  So, you still heading out to your cousins’ house for dinner today?

Friend 1: But of course: as long as I never have to host any of these things, I’m happy.

Friend 2: It’s just that all the rain we’ve had this week’s overflowed the creeks and rivers and swamps and there’s flooding everywhere.

Friend 1: Oh.  Right.  The rain.  How I loathe it.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s been a bit of a drag lately – I know we’re coming up on “April showers bring May flowers,” but this is ridiculous.

Friend1: What May flowers?!  It’s been raining nonstop since September so all the flowers who eventually appear will drown!

Friend 2: It hasn’t been that bad –

Friend 1: It has too been that bad!  I didn’t realize this part of the country had transformed into Seattle sometime in the last 10 years, yet here we are!  I was shocked that one day in February we actually had snow when it was zip in that department for a straight 23 months!

Friend 2: Great, no frost; the flowers should be fine, then.

Friend 1: No, no!  This half of the Earth didn’t properly hibernate and reset, so when it’s time for flowers to bloom there’ll be bupkis instead!  The constant deluge will wash all the seeds away, and whatever managed to hang on will wait until July when it’s finally dry enough to emerge, then poke their heads out of the ground for two seconds just in time to shrivel up and die because it now over 100°F in the shade!

Friend 2: It’s not that terrible – I still see plenty of flowers out in the spring.

Friend 1: What spring?!  We get cold rain and warm rain, and that’s it!  And today’s Easter, the holiday of renewal and rebirth, and all I see are no flowers, and sheets and sheets of polluted water!

Friend 2: Well, maybe next week’ll be better since it’ll be the start of April.

Friend 1: The Earth doesn’t know that it’s April next week!  All it knows is it’s got a fever that it’s trying and failing to sweat out!

Friend 2: OK, anyway, you have a Happy Easter regardless of having to row to your family dinner – I’m hanging up now.

Friend 1: Thanks.  If my cousins’ house is now surrounded by a moat though, I am turning around and rowing back home, I don’t care how much chocolate the Easter Bunny has waiting for me.

Friend 2: Wow.  Situation must be worse than I thought.

Friend 1: You have no idea.

Story 486: Easter Blizzard

Relative 1: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to snow on Easter Sunday, right?  Really badly.

Host: (On the phone) I did hear that vile rumor, and I refuse to lend it any credence: unlike the rest of the world, including the Equator, our area’s had zippo snow this winter, and I absolutely reject buying into the circulating gossip that our one and only blizzard this go-round will arrive post-post-season in the middle of April!

Relative 1: Well, believe it or not; either way, nobody’s showing up at your house for dinner that day.

Host: I’ve got 15 pounds of ham here!  And all that charcuterie!

Relative 1: Maybe save it for Mother’s Day?

Host: You’re no help.

 EASTER SUNDAY

(Host wakes up suddenly, jumps out of bed, runs to the window, throws back the curtains, and takes in the winter wonderland continuously buried by sideways snowfall)

Host: Holy heavens – how is he supposed to rise in this?!

(Some time later, Host is awkwardly shoveling the driveway in a losing battle when the cell phone rings.  Flinging the shovel away and using teeth to tear off a glove, Host unzips several layers of coats to take the phone out of an inner pocket)

Host: (Screaming against the ice-ridden wind) HELLO?!

Relative 1: (Relaxing on an armchair with feet propped up on a cushioned stool in front of a roaring fire, and sipping hot tea) Don’t tell me you’re actually shoveling out your driveway for nonexistent guests.

Host: NOT EVERYONE CANCELLED!

Relative 1: Yeah, bet they’re the same ones who didn’t bother to tell you they were coming in the first place, either.

Host: …IT WAS ASSUMED THEY WERE!

Relative 1: Wait until the snow’s over to shovel it all out; just go back inside and enjoy your ham, `cause I know you cooked it anyway.

Host: IT WAS ALREADY DEFROSTING!

Relative 1: I hear ya.  Whelp, Happy Easter to you – don’t throw out your back.

Host: HAPPY EASTER TO YOU – (The wind almost blows the phone away; Host scrambles to get it back) TOOOOOO!!!!!

Relative 1: (As both end the call) Poor sap.  (Takes a nap)

(After finally realizing that the snow being shoveled is replaced immediately, Host re-enters the house, throws the coats, boots, gloves, and hats into the laundry room, slams the door, and enters the kitchen to check on the ham)

Host: (Opens the oven door) Roast, my lovely, roast.  (Hears the cell phone ringing inside the laundry room) Shoot.  (Slams shut the oven door and flings open the laundry room door to paw through the coats until the phone is found and answered) Hello?

Relative 2: Hey, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the fam and I aren’t going to make it there today.

Host: I figured.

Relative 2: Yeah, just can’t get going today for some reason.  Sorry also for calling so last-minute – everybody else is already there by now, I bet.

Host: (As the house shudders with a giant blast of wind) No, not really.

Relative 2: Ah, well, you always get a few cancellations at these get-togethers, that’s how it goes.  Happy Easter anyway, and Happy Spring!  (Ends the call)

Host: (Stares at the silent phone) Was that one calling from the Sun?!

(Later that afternoon, after ham dinner-for-one, Host lies on the couch while watching the wintry outdoors; the snowdrifts are now climbing up the windows)

Host: (Unwraps a chocolate bunny and bites off the head) My poor pansies.  (CHOMP) Poor birds.  (CHOMP)  Poor trees, poor grass, poor flowers, poor spring babies.  (CHOMP)  Poor ham, poor appetizers, poor desserts.  (Finishes the bunny and smacks lips in satisfaction) Ahhhh… at least one thing went right today.  (Looks again out the window, which is nearly a wall of white) Well, guess we’ll just have to look forward to a summer of 100°F for months on end to make up for this.

Story 426: Never Happy With the Weather

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Bundled up in a snowsuit, several wool hats, and mittens over gloves, and shivering while sipping a coffee; to Friend 2) Sorry, but this was a mistake: we should’ve just had coffee at our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: (Has coat, hat, and gloves draped over a chair and sips a hot cocoa relaxedly) You’re the one who wanted to “break hibernation” for something that wasn’t work.

Friend 1: (Ironically burns tongue) I know, and I thought I could handle the short bursts outdoors from apartment to car to here like usual, but outdoors decided to turn the air conditioning up to the max and not break single-digit Fahrenheit.  I look up at the distant sun in the crystal clear sky, and it laughs at me.

Friend 2: Heard we’re supposed to get a blizzard tomorrow.

Friend 1: I heard that as well, and chose to ignore that abomination.

Friend 2: Snow, ice, and high winds – might get two feet accumulation.

Friend 1: You sound suspiciously schadenfreudedly about that.

Friend 2: You make that up just now?

Friend 1: I took the German word for getting enjoyment out of other people’s misery, and English adverbed it.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not thrilled about the storm, I’m just finding the situation amusing because you were recently complaining that last month was too warm and the Earth needed winter.

Friend 1: The Earth does need it, but I don’t!  And I’ll be happy when we hit 90° again.  (Spills some of the coffee while shiveringly sipping it some more)

Friend 2: Uh-huh: give you six months.

 SUMMER

(At a public pool, swimmers are frolicking while Friend 1 and Friend 2 relax on nearby deck chairs)

Friend 1: (Wearing a cropped tank top and short shorts) This was a mistake –

Friend 2: (Wearing a loose cotton T-shirt, baggy shorts, and a wide-brimmed hat) Here we go.

Friend 1: We should’ve just stayed in our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: You said being by the water should cool us off; I thought you were going to suggest the beach with the off-shore breeze, but this is fine, too.

Friend 1: I thought having all this water around would cool us off by osmosis – clearly, I was mistaken!

Friend 2: (Gestures to the pool) Why don’t you just jump in, then?

Friend 1: What, you mean with all the people in there?

Friend 2: You’re ridiculous.

Friend 1: It doesn’t help that outdoors decided to turn the furnace up to the max and break triple-digits Fahrenheit.  I look up at the nearby sun in the hazy sky, and it melts my face off.

Friend 2: Just think, six months ago you would’ve wanted to be as overheated as you are now.

Friend 1: (Blinks at Friend 2) I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 2: I’m sure you don’t.  Going in for a swim now.  (Removes layers for swimsuit underneath and jackknifes off the diving board into the pool)

Friend 1: (Drenched by the outer edges of the resulting splash) Oh, sweet tidal wave – how I’ve longed for ye.

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Wearing two snowsuits, barely able to move; voice is muffled by multiple hats and scarves) This was a mis-

Friend 2: Don’t even start.

 SPRING

(In a public park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are lounging in beach chairs under a shady tree)

Friend 1: (Breathes in contentedly as a warm breeze wafts through the air) Ahhhh….

Friend 2: Is this all right now, Goldilocks?

Friend 1: Hm?

Friend 2: Temp’s in the high 60s; mild to no wind; we don’t have to wear quilts or ice packs…?

Friend 1: Oh.  Yeah, you’re right: this is perfect.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They sit in silence for a few moments)

Friend 1: (Starts shifting around in the chair) Too perfect.

Friend 2: Theeeeere it is.

Story 385: Spring Has Sprung Without Me

(Sibling 2 answers the phone)

Sibling 2: Hey – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Is that the first thing you think of when I call, that something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Yes: you only call me when something’s wrong, otherwise you just e-mail or text or wait `til we meet in person.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I never realized I was so predictably self-absorbed.

Sibling 2: Don’t trouble yourself – so, what’s up?

Sibling 1: Yeah, so you know how you helped me move into the house about a year ago now?

Sibling 2: Wow, it’s almost a year already?  I feel like we did all that last weekend.

Sibling 1: Don’t get me started on time dilation –

Sibling 2: Don’t worry, I won’t.

Sibling 1: I’m calling because I really haven’t been here all that long, and there’s already a mess.

Sibling 2: Isn’t that just left over from the move?

Sibling 1: That was earlier: this is a whole new mess.  The detritus of life, if you will.

Sibling 2: I’d rather not.

Sibling 1: Well, with the weather finally getting nicer, and Passover and Easter greeting us with the promise of renewal, and Ramadan right around the corner –

Sibling 2: Really?  Seems early this year.

Sibling 1: It can fall on any month of the year since it’s based on a lunar calendar, so there is no “early.”  Anyway, back to me: my brain’s finally registering that it is, at last, spring.

Sibling 2: If you say so – I’m still wearing sweaters every other day.

Sibling 1: And with spring, I feel that I should do the time-honored tradition of… Spring Cleaning.

Sibling 2: AHAHAHAHAHA – oh, you’re serious.  Since when do you do Spring Cleaning?  Or any kind of cleaning, for that matter?

Sibling 1: I clean!  It’s just that the bare minimum I used to get away with at home isn’t going to cut it in my life anymore.

Sibling 2: Welcome to the Wonderful World of Home Ownership.

Sibling 1: Too late, I’ve been there for months.  So, you in?

Sibling 2: On what? You’re taking forever to get to the point.

Sibling 1: Helping me Spring Clean the place on Saturday!

Sibling 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh – what time?

Sibling 1: Preferably before 10, and I’ll order pizza for lunch.

Sibling 2: I’ll be there at 8.

 SATURDAY AT 8

(Sibling 1 opens the front door to Sibling 2)

Sibling 1: What’s all this?

Sibling 2: (Carrying a bulging trash bag) Supplies.  I figured you might need extra cleaners, dusters, sponges, buckets –

Sibling 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, this is just cleaning, not clean­-ing.

Sibling 2: …I don’t follow.

Sibling 1: Come inside. 

Sibling 2: (Enters as Sibling 1 closes the door behind them, stares at the living  room, and drops the bag) What – ?!  This is the same mess I left you with when you moved in!

Sibling 1: (Chuckles) How unobservant you are.  That was all boxes of old stuff, which were conspicuously absent when you helped me decorate for the holidays in December.  This – (Spreads arms to encompass the room) – is the accumulation of whole new stuff that pretty much all of us fall victim to in this consumerist world.

Sibling 2: Hardly anyone’s living room looks like this!  You even bought an aquarium and don’t have any fish for it!

Sibling 1: It was a deal at a yard sale.

Sibling 2: You’re actually looking around to bring new junk in?!

Sibling 1: You gonna help me Spring Clean it all or what?

Sibling 2: (Sighs and takes off jacket) Yes, but you’re on your own for the actual cleaning that I thought was going to go on today.

Sibling 1: That’s fine; stuff like that’s a once-a-decade project anyway.

 SIX HOURS LATER

Sibling 2: (Stands in the middle of the now-spacious house, hands on hips, satisfactorily surveying the domain) Well, it’s not perfect, but definitely an improvement over the original monstrosity.

Sibling 1: (While eating, hands a slice of pizza on a plate to Sibling 2) Yeah – I can actually walk a straight line through the place now, thanks.

Sibling 2: Just remember to give away some of those clothes in the closet when you change back over to winter – you don’t need that many shirts.  Or pants.  Or Halloween costumes.

Sibling 1: You never know when an emergency sartorial situation may strike.

Sibling 2: Sure.  You got any soda?

Sibling 1: (Thinks while chewing) I believe there’s a can or two.  (Both walk to the kitchen; Sibling 1 opens the refrigerator door and hunts for a can as Sibling 2 stares in horror)

Sibling 2: What – who – where – how did this happen?!

Sibling 1: What, the food?  (Pops the tab and holds out the can)

Sibling 2: The food that’s everywhere!  This fridge was brand new when you moved in, and now it’s covered in stains and crumbs and I-don’t-want-to-know-what-else!

Sibling 1: (Glances casually at the fridge and runs a finger over a sticky shelf) Huh.  Didn’t notice in the day-to-day.  Guess it could use a wipe here and there.

Sibling 2: It could use a power wash!  Don’t you smell all the horrible, horrible odors combining into one giant STENCH?!

Sibling 1: No, but I have a bad sense of smell, you know that.

Sibling 2: (Storms off, grabs the bag of supplies, brings it into the kitchen, drops it onto the floor, pulls on a pair of gloves, and begins taking items out of the refrigerator and dumping them onto the kitchen table) Get some ice coolers if you can find any in that overflowing closet; get some bags of ice if you don’t have any packs in the freezer; and leave me alone for at least an hour!

Sibling 1: (Stares at the activity for a few moments while drinking the soda, then leaves to get the coolers; mutters to self) Doesn’t seem that bad.  If this is what the season’s gonna have every time though, I think I’ll skip spring next year.