Story 639: Summer Solstice Slump

            “You know what I realized that’s getting me a little down?”

“No, what’s that?”

“I waited so long for summer this year.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, this past winter, swe actually had blizzards and everything for once, and it was so, so cold for so long.”

“Yeah?”

“And it was night for two-thirds of the day for six months.”

“Yeah?”

“And I slept for more hours than I went outside for nine months.”

“Yeah?”

“And did I mention it was so cold for so long?”

“Yeah.”

“OK, so now, it’s here.”

“Yeah?”

“Summer.  At long last.  So much Sun, so much warmth, so much time.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, it’s the same amount of time each day, but it feels like more time, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“And then it hit me.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s going the other way now.”

“Yeah – what?”

“Summer Solstice.  First day of summer.  June 21 in this half of the globe.”

“Yeah?”

“I used to look forward to it every year because it’s the start of summer, the beginning of everything good and fun and awesome and relaxing and wonderful.”

“Yeah?”

“And this year I suddenly realized: it’s not really the beginning of the beginning, it’s actually the beginning of the end.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, if Winter Solstice is that happy moment where we start gaining one minute of sunshine each day, then the horrible opposite must be true.”

“Yeah?”

“With Summer Solstice, with lose one minute of sunshine each day.”

“Yeah?  Oh, yeah.”

“Which means, every day of what I thought was amazing summer actually is getting shorter and shorter and shorter with every passing tilt of the planet on its axis!”

“Yeah?”

“It’s spring that’s the sunshine-gainer!  But it rains for almost the entire time, and then we don’t get the awesome weather and the liberating release from school into fun and vacations and parties until the end of it!”

“You haven’t been to school in decades.”

“Not the point!”

“Yeah?”

“Every moment, summer is slipping away from us, and the cruel irony is that we think we’re deep in the heart of it!  It’s so unfair!”

“Yeah?”

“Why does everything good seem to happen when it’s on its way out the door?”

“That’s life, I suppose.”

“That’s a weak argument for an intolerable situation.”

“Well, what can I tell you: it’s always been this way, and you have practically two whole months of not even noticing the earlier sunsets, so if that isn’t summer, then I don’t know what is.”

“Twenty-four-hour sunlight and constant hot weather.”

“I suggest you move to Venus, then.”

“Oh ha-ha; I’m being serious.”

“So am I.”

“I just want a whole season’s worth of constant sunshine to tide me over into the deep freeze with weird warm days thrown in there and the long nights of horrible, horrible late-fall, all-of-winter, and half of spring.”

“Well, even though we’re at the beginning of the end, it’s still light out after 9 p.m., so that’s something in the plus column for you.”

“…I’ll take it.”

Story 629: Easter and Passover = A Lot of Work

             “Can you believe it’s only the beginning of April and we’ve reached 80°F over 10 times already this year?”

“No, but I LOVE IT.”

“I would too, if we hadn’t leap-frogged over spring and straight into summer, then back into winter for another go-around of chilly rain before off into summer again.”

“Well, you know what they say: ‘April chilly rain brings May grass.’”

“…No one has ever said that.”

“Anyway, this all reminds me that it’s my turn to host the family at Easter this year, and I’ve been dreading it for weeks.”

“Oh?  What for?  Don’t you love all the marshmallow candy and colored eggs and giant bunnies and all that other stuff that’s only acceptable at this time of year?  And don’t you always say your family is the only thing that matters in your life or something like that?”

“Well, yes, but there’s also just so dang many of us.”

“True, there are.”

“I can only fit so many on couches and chairs and floors in the living and dining rooms before they start spilling over into my realm, The Kitchen, and that simply won’t do.”

“Aye, no.”

“We have a perfectly fine backyard, but if the chilly rain decides to make an appearance that lovely morn, then forget about anyone going outside.”

“I hear you.”

“And even if the Sun is blazing a balmy 60°, they’ll still all cram themselves into the living room, dining room, and The Kitchen, because no one wants to move.”

“Mm-hm.”

“And yet, when it’s time to clean up – tumbleweeds and crickets.”

“Oh, yes.”

“That’s not entirely true – a few of the regulars pitch in, bless them, but overall it’s the opposite: watching the game, diving into the digital world, or napping.”

“True, true.”

“And the blessing of all that food!  Weeks to plan, days to prepare, gone in minutes, still gallons of leftovers I almost have to pay people to get enough out of the house so we manage to have the rest before it spoils.”

“Agreed.”

“Wish I could take the next day off to recover from all that plus the furniture clean-up, but nope!  Back to the office bright and early the next morning, which of course is a Monday, Heaven help me.”

“The soul sighs.”

“So, enough of all that: how’s it with you for Passover this year?”

“Oh, same: entire family’s coming over for seder, which of course is on a weeknight this year.”

“Of course.”

“All that prep, all that food, and we have to wait until after sundown to start so it’s even later by the time we start cleaning up everything and everyone goes home, and then, you guessed it, right back to the office the next day.”

“Always the way.”

“Doing all that work year after year, you start wondering why we even go through the whole thing to begin with.”

 “I know – there must be some reasons for these holidays.”

Story 628: `Tis the Season for Taxes!

             (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha up to on this fine summer’s day?

Sibling 2: It’s still March.

Sibling 1: I said what I said: it’s 80 degrees outside, and I’m wearing shorts and a tank top with the A/C cranked up inside.

Sibling 2: Can’t argue with that.  Whelp, I’m not dressed for the beach, and instead I’m celebrating one of the Rites of Spring in getting all my tax stuff together.

Sibling 1: Oh.  What for?

Sibling 2: For… taxes.

Sibling 1: Why, you owe any?

Sibling 2: Hopefully not this year, but I gotta do them soon since I left it a little late, or else I’ll really owe something.

Sibling 1: What’s the point? 

Sibling 2: “What’s the point?”???

Sibling 1: Yeah, why do double-work?  They’re already taken out of your paychecks for you anyway, right?

Sibling 2: …Are you telling me that you’ve never had your taxes done?!

Sibling 1: Sure I have.

Sibling 2: Oh thank –

Sibling 1: Every paycheck, like I just said.

Sibling 2: ….

Sibling 1: So I don’t get why you’re making more work for yourself when it’s already been taken care of by Payroll.

Sibling 2: I don’t believe what I’m hearing right now.  Are you saying, that in your decades of working life on this planet, you haven’t once filed a tax return?!

Sibling 1: Ooh, they return all the taxes to us?  Wish I’d known about that from the beginning; thanks a lot.

Sibling 2: No, you doofus, you have to report your income to the state and federal government every year and make sure they didn’t over- or under-withhold!

Sibling 1: And why would I do that?  Shouldn’t that be something Payroll should have gotten right the first time?

Sibling 2: Well, ideally, but tax and interest rates constantly change, and there’s also the income from the interest on your bank account, and taxes you paid on loans and other expenses, and the extra income from your never-ending side hustles that never get anywhere, and that one time you actually won the lottery –

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, that was sweet; we had a great family vacation that year, didn’t we?

Sibling 2: Of course, and I’ll treasure the memory always, but ALL OF THAT IS REPORTABLE!

Sibling 1: Jeez, Principal, you make it sound like I’m gonna get detention.

Sibling 2: You’re gonna get the extreme version of that instead!  What about all those times Mom and Dad brought you to their account when you had those part-time jobs in high school?!

Sibling 1: Oh, those?  I thought that was because I was a minor.

Sibling 2: No, numbskull!  Well, partially, but once you graduated adolescence you were supposed to do those on your own!  Every year!  Have you never heard of April 15?!

Sibling 1: Of course I have: the Ides of April, right?

Sibling 2: I wish I could reach through the phone and smack you upside the head right now.

Sibling 1: Rude.

Sibling 2: So in all those years, did you never wonder why you were getting W2 forms from work?!

Sibling 1: Actually yeah, I always did kind of wonder since they don’t apply to me: I’m not a World War 2 veteran, and that was ages ago anyway.

Sibling 2: That’s WW2!

Sibling 1: Oh, right.  Mystery solved, then.

Sibling 2: What about 1040 forms, 1099, 1095, anything?!

Sibling 1: I figured they were all just informational, provided as a courtesy.  Kind of like when you donate to an organization and they send you a summary at the end of the year?  I always wondered how I could claim it on my taxes like they all say I can, since I don’t think work would handle something like that.

Sibling 2: This!  This is how you claim it!  You file your tax return and you itemize your deductions so the donations can count toward your refund!

Sibling 1: …Yeah, that’s a lot of words that mean nothing to me, sorry.

Sibling 2: I think I’m losing my mind right now; so since you clearly haven’t filed anything since you left the nest, in all these years have you never gotten any letters saying you need to pay penalties for all the many, many returns you missed?!

Sibling 1: Well if I did, I probably threw them out like the scams they are: everyone knows that a legitimate organization will never send a letter in the mail and will call you instead.

Sibling 2: The phone call’s the scam – the letter’s the real thing!  Usually.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Then, oops.

Sibling 2: Yeah, “oops”: you probably owe a million dollars in penalties by now, and at least five years in jail!

Sibling 1: No, I mean “oops” in that I thought the call about my vehicle’s warranty was the real thing – guess I gotta cancel all my credit cards now.

Sibling 2: They’ve probably been cleaned out for you already.  Listen, I don’t care what you’re doing today, I’m coming over and going through your stuff and your garbage and try to salvage what we can for this year, then make an appointment with Mom and Dad’s accountant to help straighten out this awful mess, and then throw yourself on the mercy of the powers-that-be and hope that they realize you’re too much of a dolt to waste their time prosecuting you once they’ve gotten their money.

Sibling 1: So rude.  And I fail to understand how it’s their money – I’m the one who earned it!

Sibling 2: You like schools?

Sibling 1: Not particularly, but I dealt with them as a necessary evil.

Sibling 2: You like fire departments?

Sibling 1: Um, sure…?

Sibling 2: Libraries?  Parks?  Law enforcement?  Recycling?  Emergency medical – ?

Sibling 1: OK, OK, why are you changing the subject?

Sibling 2: They’re paid for by taxes!

Sibling 1: Really?  I always thought they were financed by extremely rich people wanting the tax write-off.  Ohhh, I get that now, too.

Sibling 2: Argh!

Sibling 1: Huh.  So that means I’m the boss of all of them, right?  Oh, so that’s why those weirdos say “My taxes pay your salary!” 

Sibling 2: Unfortunately, yes.

Sibling 1: I think I’ll start using that line now, too.

Sibling 2: Please don’t.

Sibling 1: Just once?

Sibling 2: Absolutely not.

Sibling 1: Fine.  So, this was fun: I’m going to doze off in my makeshift cabana now.

Sibling 2: Uh-uh, I’m coming over now.

Sibling 1: Ugh, If you insist.

Sibling 2: Since I’m obligated to at least try to keep you out of prison – yes, I do insist.

Sibling 1: All right, I’ll be lounging in the living room when you get here.  You know, this really is a whole lot of fuss for something that should be completely automated at this point in our digital existence. 

Sibling 2: I’d almost agree with you, but we’ve gone so long with this method that the process of converting to any alternative system is just too exhausting to even think about now.

Story 627: Weather Whiplash

 SATURDAY 

“Morn-ning!”

“Good morning!  I hate to say, but you look awfully dreadful today.”

“Right you are: spent a solid hour digging the old bucket of bolts out from under the ‘bomb cyclone’ or ‘polar vortex’ or ‘thunder snow’ or whatever it is the youth are calling it these days, only to have it all plowed back in by the necessary street clearers immediately afterward and had to start the whole bloomin’ process all over again.”

“Hm.  Blast.”

“Indeed.  You’re just lucky you no longer drive and everyone has to come to you instead, yeah?”

“Well, usually, not being able to drive anymore is quite a hindrance, but I must say on days when there are 15 feet of snow outside and temperatures are in the negative digits, not going anywhere does have its perks.”

“Quite.  Tea?”

“Already had mine, so help yourself.”

“Thanks, but I’ll save it for the return journey; as you can see out the window, those innocent-looking flurries are unceasing in their descent from the heavens, and an additional six feet are predicted by tonight.”

“Oh my.  You’re welcome to stay the night, you know.”

“I packed my bag for just such an occasion.”

“Good thinking.” 

SUNDAY 

“Morn-ning!”

“Good morning!  Ready to do battle once more in rescuing your bucket of bolts from the clutches of the frozen water smothering it?”

“I would be, if it wasn’t all gone.”

“Sorry?”

“Take a look.”

“…I don’t understand; I can see out the window.”

“Exactly.  The frozen water transformed into water-water overnight and washed everything away.”

“But how is that possible?  We were surrounded by literal walls of snow – that all should take weeks to go away, even with the rain!  And yet I can see the lawn again for the first time in a month!”

“I suppose it helps that the temperature shot up by 50°F overnight as well.”

“Ah.  It did feel a bit stuffy in here when I woke this morning.”

“I took the liberty of turning down the thermostat when I got up.”

“Good move.  So, off you go then, I suppose; into the downpour instead of the blizzard.”

“Seems like it.  You might want to call a plumber at some point, though – the sump pump’s been running all night so the crawl space is probably flooded.”

“I’m sure I won’t be the only one calling.” 

MONDAY 

            “Morn-ning!”

“Oh, good morning!  So nice of you to call, but aren’t you stopping by later?”

“Actually, I’m calling to let you know that I have to cancel for today, sorry.”

“Oh, that’s all right, I can manage – is everything OK?”

“Yes, everything’s fine: the thing is… I decided to spend the day at the beach.”

“Oh.  As in, the beach?”

“Yes, well, we only have the one in this area, and I’m at it.”

“My, that sounds lovely, but I do have to ask: why?”

“Oh, you know, really, why not?”

“I mean, everyone’s free to do as they please if they’re not hurting anyone or themselves, but I can’t help but notice that we’re physically located in the upper region of the northern hemisphere, and we’re temporally located in the middle of March.”

“Yes?”

“Not exactly beach weather, I should think.”

“Have you stuck your head out the window yet today, or checked the news at all?”

“No, sadly: still trying to wrangle an available plumber and it’s been quite draining.”

“Ah, well, then you may not have noticed that summer arrived while you weren’t looking.”

“Sorry?”

“Temperature rocketed to 90°F today.”

“You’re having a laugh.”

“Take a look outside if you don’t believe me.”

“I certainly will…. Oh dear.”

“What is it?”

“The window sill is melting somewhat.”

“That’s rough – you might need a home repair service when all this is done, too.”

“Well, that’s dashed inconvenient – I’m sweating already, and I can only imagine the entire house is warping as we speak.”

“Rotten luck, that [Slurp].”

“Is that a frozen lemonade I hear you slurping out there?”

“You know me too well.  I’d’ve invited you to come along, you know, but I remembered you can’t stand the beach.”

“Gracious no, once you get anywhere near it, that sand is with you forever.  Oh, perfect timing, the ice cream truck is here – yoo-hoo!  Driver!  One small cone with strawberry, please!”

“I’ll leave you to it and come by tomorrow, yeah?”

“Cheers – enjoy the boiling waves!” 

TUESDAY 

“Morn-ning!  Not at the beach today, so I should get there at my usual time!”

“Actually, that’s why I’m calling – you perhaps want to skip again today.”

“That’s all right: the sunburn’s minimal, I’ll be fine!”

“Lovely, but it’s probably not a good idea for anyone to be out on the roads around here today.”

“Oh?  Why not?”

“Well, I did stick my head out the window this morning, and I did check the news, and it seems that this neighborhood is under a tornado warning.”

“Oh dear, really?  And just your neighborhood, is it?”

“Apparently the conditions here and nowhere else are ‘just right’, they said.”

“My word.  Is that why I’m hearing an emergency siren in the distance over the phone?”

“Yes, and seeing how the winds ae blowing everything around and I can see a funnel touching down about five houses away, it’s probably best that I nip down to the crawl space for half a tick.”

“Quite right.”

WEDNESDAY 

“Morn-ning!  You and the neighborhood still in one piece after the twister?”

“Oh good morning; quite all right, thank you – the mailbox was a little stirred up, but fortunately the cyclone continued down the middle of the street and disintegrated after making its point, so all’s well that ends well, and all that.”’

“Jolly good.  So, I’ll come over this morning as per usual then, shall I?”

“If you like, but I don’t mind if you’d prefer dashing off to the beach again.”

“Thanks, but not likely, seeing as it’s 28°F out.”

“Yes, but you’ve gotten me into checking the weather all the time now, and the reliably accurate prediction is that it’ll hit 100°F by noon.”

“Oh.  Today?”

“Indeed.  Why, in the single minute we’ve been talking, the thermometer has jumped to 45°F.”

“…So it has.  Well, I’m still coming over – maybe pass on the tea, though.”

“I fail to grasp the connection.” 

THURSDAY 

“Morn-ning!”

“Good morning!  After you’re all settled, I’ll need your help on a project today.”

“Ooh, sounds fun, what is it?”

“Taping all the windows before the hurricane hits.”

“So it’s definite that it’s going to hit this area?”

“As of this moment; since you insisted on still coming over today, I hope you brought your overnight bag again, seeing as the storm drains are expected to flood and the winds are expected to knock down everything.”

“I didn’t, but I suppose I can always row home, right?”

“I’d rather you didn’t.” 

FRIDAY 

“Morn-ning!”

“Good morning!  All safe and snug at home, then?”

“Indeed I am!  Thank goodness the hurricane turned out to be only a mild torrential downpour instead – that, I can handle.”

“Yes, we’re all grateful, and I hope you’re not planning to come over today, either.”

“Well, just have to dig out the old bucket of bolts from the eight feet of snow we got overnight, so it might take me a bit longer than usual but other than that, I’ll be there.”

“Please don’t: I heard that the roads are a giant wall of mush right now, and if you wait it’ll all have melted away again when it hits 105°F tomorrow.”

“Right you are then, thanks.  Funny way to observe the first day of spring, isn’t it?”

“Quite.”

Story 626: I Forgot to Spring Ahead This Year

            (On a Sunday morning, Friend 1 groggily awakens to the cell phone vibrating on the nearby lamp table)

Friend 1: (Sloppily grabbing the phone and answering it) Muh-yeh-loh?

Friend 2: (On the phone, standing outside a busy restaurant) So, are you cancelling for today?

Friend 1: Hm-day?

Friend 2: We were supposed to meet for brunch at 10:30 this morning.

Friend 1: Muh-yeh?

Friend 2: Yes.

Friend 1: Wha – (Rubs eyes and clears throat) What time is it?

Friend 2: 10:40.

Friend 1: (Shifts to look at the alarm clock on the lamp table, then shifts back to the pillow) Isn’t.  It’s 9:40.  Still earlier than I wake up on a day off, I’ll have you know.

Friend 2: Are you looking at your alarm clock or at your cell phone clock?

Friend 1: Alarm.  Which is set to go off in five minutes, so that’s five minutes of sleep I’ll never get back, I thank you.

Friend 2: You should thank me: check your cell phone clock.

Friend 1: (Sighs and leans back while holding out the cell phone to check the time, staring at it for several seconds without blinking before bringing it back to speak) Must be some glitch – how’d you know my phone’s broken?

Friend 2: It’s not, you dope: the clocks turned ahead an hour at 2 a.m.!

Friend 1: 2 a.m. … this morning?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Why?

Friend 2: Because it’s supposed to save daylight or something!

Friend 1: No, I mean, why today?  Spring’s not until the 20^th.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe it’s to celebrate International Women’s Day here with an hour less of sleep but an hour more of sunshine!  Bottom line: forget about brunch since you’re not even awake yet, and we’ll figure out when to go another time.

Friend 1: (Starts stumbling out of bed) Now, hold on – we missed brunch, but we can move straight into lunch at this point, right?

Friend 2: No, you missed brunch.  I’m going in since I have a reservation and I’m not being cheated out of my brioche French toast that I’ve been looking forward to all week, so – bye.  (Ends the call and goes into the restaurant to have brunch)

(Friend 1 falls back into bed, dropping the phone onto the floor; the alarm clock goes off; Friend 1 reaches back and unplugs it from the wall, making it also drop onto the floor)

Friend 1: Want my hour back zzzzzzzzz….

Story 585: We Are Not Cancelling on Account of Rain

             (At a Little League baseball game, torrents of rain fall on the players, coaches, and umpire on the field, and the family members on the bleachers; players also slip and slide every time they run, throw, swing, hit, and miss)

Coach: (Sloshing over to Umpire standing behind the sinking catcher) Listen, I think we should call the game.

Umpire: (Chewing gum while never taking eyes off the field) What for?

Coach: …The monsoon we’re in the middle of!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, I’ve seen monsoons; this is nothing.  (To one of the players in the outfield) Number 7: stop fooling around and maintain your position!

Player #7: (Unsteadily getting up from the ground) I’m trying!  (Slips and falls again)

Coach: You see!  We’re gonna start getting sprained ankles and knees and who-knows-what-else any second now, I just know it!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, these kids are all wimps – a mini- ordeal like this is just the thing to toughen `em up.  (A player slides to first base and knocks over the player stationed there, another coach, and a hovering parent like bowling pins) Safe!  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!  (Claps hands twice in approval)

Coach: (Slip-running to first base while yelling at the rest of the field) That’s it!  We’re done!  Everybody pack up and go home!

(Everyone slip-runs to pack up their gear and swim to the cars in the parking lot)

Umpire: (To Coach) Hey!  You don’t have the authority to make that decision!

Coach (Yelling back from the driver’s seat of a departing car) It’s a unanimous decision!  (Hauls away through a newly formed river that has taken over the exit)

Umpire: (Still standing in position in the now-empty field) Weaklings, the whole lot of them.  If they can’t handle a little precipitation during a meaningless event, what’re they gonna do when a real challenge faces them, huh?  (Is drenched by a sudden deluge sloughing off a nearby overhang) Hm….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(On Easter Sunday, a family of four dressed in their best emerges from their house and into the pouring rain)

Parent 1: (Shielding a camera while running to the front lawn) OK, everybody go stand in front of the tree!  (Parent 2, Child 1, and Child 2 slosh through the muddy lawn and stand in front of a tree) Now, smile!  (Parent 1 holds up the camera as the other three grimace)  I said “Smile”!

Parent 2: (Shouting though the downpour) Maybe we should do this inside!

Parent 1: No way; our Easter photos are always outside to show off the wonders of spring and the rebirth of Nature!

Parent 2: You can’t see any of that right now!  The animals are all hiding in their nests, and my flowers have all drowned!

Parent 1: Hey, outdoors is outdoors!  Now quit yapping and show me those pearly whites!  (The other family members grimace wider as Parent 1 takes the picture) Well, I suppose that’ll have to do.  Now, off to Church to celebrate the day, dangit!

Parent 2: (To Child 1 and Child 2) Kids, go inside and change into your playclothes and raingear.

Child 1 and Child 2: Yay!  (They splash back into the house)

Parent 2: (To Parent 1) I, too, will be changing into waterproof and casual clothing.

Parent 1: (Wringing out sleeves) But – but – spring!  Easter!  Rebirth!  April showers to bring out May flowers!

Parent 2: I DON’T CARE!

Parent 1: Well that certainly isn’t in the spirit of the season.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(On a street, two townsfolk sit on a curb, wearing raincoats and getting drenched)

Townsfolk 1: You know what bums me out?

Townsfolk 2: What?

Townsfolk 1: That here we are, stuck in a perpetual shower for the past month, inundated with more water than we could ever use, rivers rising, and towns flooding, and only a few thousand miles away, fires are destroying everything everywhere and could be stopped by this very never-ending rain that seems to like it here and we didn’t really need that much of.

Townsfolk 2: I think that’s what’s called “irony”.

Townsfolk 1: Or just “unfair”.

Townsfolk 2: (Looks down the street) Whelp, here they come.

(Both stand and step back onto the sidewalk to join the rest of the crowd as a parade, including a marching band and motorized floats, blusters around the corner and on the street past them; the participants attempt to march and play against the steady downpour of water and wind up splashing all the spectators)

Townsfolk 1: (Sputtering out water after a float drives by) You think anything’ll grow after the rain finally stops?

Townsfolk 2: (Gives up trying to brush off the new water and allows it to mingle with the old water) “Grow”?

Townsfolk 1: You know: flowers, plants, trees, crops – you think any of it’ll grow after all this?

Townsfolk 2: I think the mold will.

Story 535: But I Don’t Want to Participate in Mating Season This Year

            (Bird 1 paces on a telephone wire as Bird 2 flies up to land nearby)

Bird 2: Hey-hey, what’s-up-what’s-up?

Bird 1: Oh, not much; just waiting for the fledgling to show her face one of these days, that’s all.

Bird 2: Ah.  How’s the whole “Not letting this one leave the nest” experiment going?

Bird 1: (Stops pacing and sighs) Not as well as I’d like.  I was hoping that not kicking this one out on Day 15 of existence would bring us closer together and give me some non-demanding company over the course of our lives, but it seems to have created a whole bunch of new problems instead.

Bird 2: Oh?  Like what?

Bird 1: (Looks up suddenly) You’ll find out – she’s coming in for a landing right now.

(Bird 3, with a self-made crest no one else sports and what appears to be berry juice drawn in circles around the eyes, lands with a thud on the wire, dislodging a few other birds down the line)

Bird 3: (Looking elsewhere with an air of indifference) `Sup.

Bird 1: (Flaps wings in agitation) And where have you been, hm?

Bird 3: (Preens wing tips) Oh, you know – around.

Bird 2: (Side-stepping down the wire) Yeah, I’m going to take this opportunity to… leave.  (Cannot fly away fast enough)

Bird 1: (Not even acknowledging the exit, continues addressing Bird 2) Uh-huh.  You know very well that this is the first day of mating season –

Bird 3: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Bird 1: – and you’re not going to get any males even wanting to attract your attention and lifelong devotion if you insist on looking like that.  (Waves a wing up and down at Bird 3)

Bird 3: (Finally looks at Bird 1) Good!  Maybe I don’t want any males wanting to attract my attention!

Bird 1: (Gasps in horror) But – but – but – babies!

Bird 3: What about `em?!                                         

Bird 1: How are you supposed to have any if you don’t have males parade around in front of you strutting their stuff?!

Bird 3: Guess I won’t be, then.  (Bird 1 gasps even louder) I’m sure the species will survive a lone female bowing out of the biological cycle just this once.

Bird 1: Swoon!  (Nearly faints off the wire; Bird 3 grabs a wing and steadies her) I have never in all my two years of life ever heard such abominable heresy!  What would your father say – rest his feathered soul – if he could hear you now?!

Bird 3: I’m sure he’d wish he could’ve bowed out of the whole thing, too – it couldn’t have been easy providing for four sets of chicks a year.

Bird 1: Aiiii!!!

Bird 3: I wish you wouldn’t make such a big deal about it: all of my brothers and sisters seem to be content with continuing the family line, so you have plenty of grandkids to ensure our species’ survival.

Bird 1: I can only hope!  They all dispersed after leaving the nest – they never visit, they never send any songs my way!  You, on the other wing, I kept by my side hoping we could remain a family for longer than most, with you, your mate, and your many, many offspring!

Bird 3: Very progressive of you, but clearly misjudged.

Bird 1: (Wrings wings) Ooh, what will I say to all the others when they ask about you and your nonexistent brood?!

Bird 3: I dunno: tell `em a hawk got me or something.

Bird 1: (Stops wringing) Don’t even joke about that!  Although I’m feeling almost as bad as if one did!

Bird 3: Figures.

Bird 1: Just help me to understand: what do you plan on doing with your life if you’re not going to spend it producing more of us, may I ask?

Bird 3: (More animated) I’ve given that a lot of thought, actually: I’ve decided to migrate across the wide East Waters and explore the lands there that the albatrosses are always talking about.

Bird 1: (Beak drops open in astonishment) Migrate across the East Waters?!  We’re not built for that kind of distance, and there’ll be absolutely no food you’ll be able to get until you’ve finally reached the ends of the Earth!  What are you thinking – you’ll never make it!

Bird 3: Ah, there’s a trick, though: you know those huge metal vessels that the humans go around in?

Bird 1: You mean like the one your father – rest his feathered soul – flew into?

Bird 3: Not the ones on land – the ones on the waters.

Bird 1: Oh.  Yes, I’ve seen few of those, here and there.

Bird 3: Well, word is that you find the biggest one leaving land, one that looks like a floating city, snag a safe cubby somewhere along the outer edge, and hang out there until it reaches land on the other side!  Easy food, easy water, easy shelter – just don’t get caught, and be prepared to wind up where you started if it turns out to be a dinner cruise.

Bird 1: (Holds head in wings) My own chick, one I fed with my own digested food and sheltered with my own body against the elements both inside and outside the shell, is not only refusing to take part in the only command issued to us by Nature, but is choosing to embark on the life of a – a – scavenger!

Bird 3: You say that like it’s a bad thing; some of my best friends are scavengers.

Bird 1: (Looks back at Bird 3) You know very well my feelings about your associating with those… carrion feeders.

Bird 3: They’re called “vultures”, Mother!

(Another bird flies toward them and lands on the wire nearby)

Bird 1: (Waves a wing at Bird 3) Ooh!  Ooh!  Here comes a male!  Just give him a chance, please?  For my sake?

Bird 3: (Folds wings across chest and turns head away) Fine.

Bird 4: (Has side-stepped to the other two) Hello, ladies.

Bird 1: Hello, good sir.  (Drags Bird 3 closer) This is my daughter – (Mutters to Bird 3) At least have some manners.

Bird 3: (Without looking at Bird 4) Hey.

Bird 4: (Puffs out chest) So: you both know why I’m here.

Bird 1: Oh yes, tee-hee-hee!

Bird 4: Allow me to… prove my worth to you, then.  Ahem.  (Flings wings open wide to display striking colors and starts to tap dance without tap shoes) Ta – da – da – da, ta – da – da – da – da, da – da – da – da – DA!  Da – da – da – da –

Bird 3: (Finally shakes off Bird 1) All right, that’s enough.  (Starts waving wings at Bird 4) Hey – hey buddy –

Bird 4: – da – da – da – da –

Bird 3: COOL IT!

Bird 4: (Stops suddenly and lowers wings) Not your thing?  I’ve gotten a dozen other varieties I can show you instead – it’s my first mating season, so I’m a little nervous as you probably can tell, heh-heh-heh.

Bird 3: (Grabs Bird 4 around the head) Listen: don’t degrade yourself like this just because everyone makes you think that your only purpose in life is to make multiple versions of yourself!

Bird 4: It’s… not?

Bird 3: (Releases Bird 4’s head) Yes!  You are more than a gene carrier!

Bird 4: Oh, I know: I have to protect and provide for my mate and chicks, too.  Which I think you’ll see I am more than adequate in that area with my next performance, ahem.  (Flings open wings and begins to dance again)

Bird 3: No-no-no!

Bird 4: (Stops dancing and lowers wings) No good?  How about this, then?  (Starts to raise wings again)

Bird 3: (Reaches out to lower Bird 4’s wings) What I mean is, life is more than making babies!

Bird 4: (Slowly blinks) I don’t understand.

Bird 3: Tell me, you’re, what, a few months old, right?

Bird 4: (Puffs out chest again) Just turned six months yesterday.

Bird 3: You have so much of your life ahead of you!  So much of the world to explore, outside of this one square mile we’ve trapped ourselves in!  Yes, it’s dangerous out there, and yes, we won’t be happy all the time, but at least we’ll have lived!  And then, if you still want to have babies after that, by all means, have all the babies you want!  Your dances were amazing; I’m sure any other female would gladly pick you as an acceptable co-parent!

Bird 4: Really?  You think so?

Bird 3: Definitely!  And if after experiencing life you decide not to have babies, that’s fine too!  Plenty of others will pick up the slack; one or two of us won’t be missed in the grand scheme of things!

Bird 4: Wow.  That all sounds pretty awesome now that I think about it.  (Nods definitively) You know what?  That’s exactly what I’m gonna do!

Bird 3: Great!

Bird 4: (Facing the sky) Look out, world!  Here I come!  (Flies away triumphantly, narrowly escaping a nearby hawk)

Bird 1: (Glares at Bird 3) Just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, now you’re recruiting?!

Bird 3: (Laughs) Relax, Mother: I’m flying off to my all-inclusive migration now, so you don’t have to worry about me influencing anyone else.  (Hugs Bird 1, who hugs her back) See you next spring!  (Flies east)

Bird 1: (Sighs while watching Bird 3 recede into the distance) Never thought this’d be the way she’d finally leave the nest.  (Eyes widen in realization) Mother was right: I really did have a fledgling who grew up to be just like me!