(Friend 2 steers the car into the driveway, crunching over ice all the way)
Friend 1: (Exiting from the passenger seat as Friend 2 exits from the driver’s seat) – they tried assigning us numbered spots a while back but some rando would be in mine EVERY SINGLE TIME, and I was getting tired of the daily parking garage rumbles with the crowds and the spotlights and the –
Friend 2: (Slips on the ice and falls on the left side) Whoop!
Friend 1: (Spins around and looks over the top of the car) Where’d you go?
Friend 2: Down here – ugghh….
Friend 1: (Trots pigeon-toed around the car and sees Friend 2 on the ground) Uh-oh – break anything?
Friend 2: No….
Friend 1: Sprain anything?
Friend 2: I don’t think so….
Friend 1: Good: quick, get up. (Grabs Friend 2’s right arm and begins to haul up)
Friend 2: Hey, give me a second, what’s your hurry?
Friend 1: (Pulls Friend 2 to a standing position) C’mon, you gotta get moving before they find you.
Friend 2: Who?
Friend 1: (Briefly points to two approaching figures) Them. (They wave back)
Friend 2: Wha – who are they? (Is led by Friend 1 to the front door of the house) What is going on?
Friend 1: Quick, gimme your key and keep moving your left arm and leg.
Friend 2: (Hands over the house key) What? No, I need to rest them.
Friend 1: NO! (Unlocks the door, shoves Friend 2 inside, and slams and locks the door behind them) That’ll play right into their metaphorical hands, now move! (Starts windmilling Friend 2’s left arm and pushing the left leg forward) March, I say!
Friend 2: (Shakes off Friend 1) I’m going to go lie down. (Enters the living room and sees the two figures from outside now are sitting on the couch) Umm… are you here to steal something?
Pain 1: (Over the sounds of drawers banging open and slamming shut in the kitchen) Nope: we’re here because of what you did to yourself.
Pain 2: We’re natural and expected and meant to be endured for a long, long, long time. (They creepily approach Friend 2, who shrinks back)
Friend 1: (Soars into the living room with an armful of supplies and points a pair of scissors at the figures) Back off, scoundrels! (Rapidly duct tapes ice packs to Friend 2’s arm and leg)
Pain 1: No worries – we’ll just wait over here. (Retreats to a corner with Pain 2, where they both stare patiently at Friend 2)
Friend 1: (Flings the tape and scissors onto the kitchen table; to Friend 2) Right – now, go hop on the stationary bike you never use and pedal 15 miles while lifting the free weights you also never use. (Begins pushing Friend 2 to the basement door)
Friend 2: (Holds onto the wall) Wait, no, I am not working out now, I need to rest my banged-up limbs!
Friend 1: (Hisses) Don’t you see, that’s just what they want! If you stop moving, they’ll catch you!
Friend 2: That’s not how pain works.
Friend 1: Not all the time, I’ll give you that, but this is one of those instances where yes, it does! (Pushes Friend 2 around the living room and windmills the left arm again) Admit it – you haven’t really felt any pain yet after you fell, am-I-right?
Friend 2: (Looks down at left side) Well, I mean, I was winded at first, and then you kept flinging me around everywhere so I haven’t had time to think –
Friend 1: Exactly! They can’t catch you if you’re on the move!
Friend 2: But I can’t move forever; I’ll have to sleep at some point!
Friend 1: That’s what the ice is for!
Friend 2: (Slows down) I don’t know; what if I’m causing more damage by not resting –
(Pain 1 and 2 stealthily approach; Friend 1 grabs a bottle from the kitchen counter and sprays water at them)
Friend 1: Begone! (Pain 1 and 2 scurry back to their corner; to Friend 2) MOVE!
(They march in circles for quite some time)
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
(Friend 2 is lying on the couch while Friend 1 dozes in a chair)
Friend 2: (Checks the ice packs) Oh shoot, the frost is melting all over me. If it wasn’t just water, I’d be really ticked.
Friend 1: (Startles awake) Huh, monsters, what?
Friend 2: No, I was saying the ice packs are melting. I think we’ve done all we can on that end anyway.
Friend 1: (Looks around) Hm, our buddies do seem to be gone; let’s check the damage.
(Friend 2 takes off the duct-taped ice packs to reveal tiny versions of Pain 1 and 2 are latched onto each limb)
Pain 1 and 2: (Tiny voices) Howdy!
Friend 1: (Sighs) Drat. I failed!
Friend 2: Well, they’re much more manageable like this, at least.
Friend 1: (Whips out an ibuprofen bottle and shakes it at them) Not for long!
Pain 1 and 2: (Tiny screams) Aaaaahhhh!!!
Friend 2: Hey, why didn’t you just give me some of those earlier?
Friend 1: I prefer a holistic approach when it comes to pain obliteration.
